Gross incident: apologize or ignore?
May 26, 2013 9:50 AM Subscribe
I made a dinner faux pas that I would like to get input on how to handle afterwards.
Last night I went to a small dinner party at the home of friends I have known for years. They are definitely friends and not just acquaintances , but not the kind of friends where I am totally at home being myself on all levels, the way it is with a few rare friends. I mean, it is fun and filled with laughter, but still a bit formal when they entertain. Also, the friendship has drifted a bit in the last year or so for various reasons, and I dont feel as connected to them as I used to, so that also makes me feel a little less comfortable with this. We are all in our 40s. They have a very aesthetic home filled with lovely, cared for things and they are gracious hosts.
So I was eating the delicious meal and I got a bit of something that tasted awful in the otherwise delicious salad. Probably my own taste buds but I had to spit my mouthful into the napkin; I really thought it might be something wrong that got into the lettuce from where they got it at the farmers market and i did not want to swallow that mouthful. I planned to empty/clean the cloth napkin discretely as we left the table.
However, I forgot all about the napkin as the group went to talk in the living room. I am very conscious that when they cleaned up later they found their nice cloth napkin filled with chewed up salad at my plate.
Should I email and apologize or let it go? I started an email saying "sorry I left that lettuce in my napkin" but it sounded ridiculous and even more awkward, so I just sent a normal brief thank you email.
Am I making a mountain out of a (chewed up) lettuce leaf? If you were the host and thought "Gross, anonymous left chewed up salad in the cloth napkin, wtf?" would you want an apology?
Last night I went to a small dinner party at the home of friends I have known for years. They are definitely friends and not just acquaintances , but not the kind of friends where I am totally at home being myself on all levels, the way it is with a few rare friends. I mean, it is fun and filled with laughter, but still a bit formal when they entertain. Also, the friendship has drifted a bit in the last year or so for various reasons, and I dont feel as connected to them as I used to, so that also makes me feel a little less comfortable with this. We are all in our 40s. They have a very aesthetic home filled with lovely, cared for things and they are gracious hosts.
So I was eating the delicious meal and I got a bit of something that tasted awful in the otherwise delicious salad. Probably my own taste buds but I had to spit my mouthful into the napkin; I really thought it might be something wrong that got into the lettuce from where they got it at the farmers market and i did not want to swallow that mouthful. I planned to empty/clean the cloth napkin discretely as we left the table.
However, I forgot all about the napkin as the group went to talk in the living room. I am very conscious that when they cleaned up later they found their nice cloth napkin filled with chewed up salad at my plate.
Should I email and apologize or let it go? I started an email saying "sorry I left that lettuce in my napkin" but it sounded ridiculous and even more awkward, so I just sent a normal brief thank you email.
Am I making a mountain out of a (chewed up) lettuce leaf? If you were the host and thought "Gross, anonymous left chewed up salad in the cloth napkin, wtf?" would you want an apology?
It was just one mouthful of salad, correct? Unless you chewed several bites and spit them ALL in the napkin, I really doubt that they'll care. Just let it go.
posted by lovelygirl at 9:55 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by lovelygirl at 9:55 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
I might vote for ignore. They are probably just as embarrassed that they served a piece of food that was 'off.'
posted by starman at 9:56 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by starman at 9:56 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]
Agree, let it go. If I found it, I'd probably be like "ew" for about a split second, then threw it away and moved on.
posted by foxhat10 at 9:56 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by foxhat10 at 9:56 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ignore it.
posted by zippy at 9:59 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by zippy at 9:59 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
I started an email saying "sorry I left that lettuce in my napkin" but it sounded ridiculous
That's because it's ridiculous. For one, nobody performs post-dinner forensics on napkins with food in it while doing dishes. Even if they did, they probably wouldn't know whose plate it was, and even if they did, there are lots of reasons that people could spit out food. For all they know, there was a bug in it that you politely didn't mention.
posted by empath at 10:12 AM on May 26, 2013 [40 favorites]
That's because it's ridiculous. For one, nobody performs post-dinner forensics on napkins with food in it while doing dishes. Even if they did, they probably wouldn't know whose plate it was, and even if they did, there are lots of reasons that people could spit out food. For all they know, there was a bug in it that you politely didn't mention.
posted by empath at 10:12 AM on May 26, 2013 [40 favorites]
Ignore. They may not have noticed it, and if they did, it's unlikely that they cared or took offense. You handled a bad bit of food in an etiquette-approved manner, and your polite friends, if they noticed at all, would know that.
Also, depending on how they cleared the table, they may have no idea whose napkin it was. When I clear a table, I generally stack up all the plates and pile up all the napkins into a big jumble, and I'd have no way of knowing which guest used which napkin. I certainly wouldn't have inspected the napkins to try to figure it out.
posted by decathecting at 10:14 AM on May 26, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, depending on how they cleared the table, they may have no idea whose napkin it was. When I clear a table, I generally stack up all the plates and pile up all the napkins into a big jumble, and I'd have no way of knowing which guest used which napkin. I certainly wouldn't have inspected the napkins to try to figure it out.
posted by decathecting at 10:14 AM on May 26, 2013 [4 favorites]
Agreed with starman. Calling more attention to it also means calling attention to the fact that they served something inadvertently unpleasant.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:15 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:15 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Etiquette is about making everyone else as comfortable as you can. The odds are they will be more uncomfortable if you apologize for it, especially since you will be making them do work (and putting them in a position to resolve their own etiquette quandary!)
posted by SMPA at 10:16 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by SMPA at 10:16 AM on May 26, 2013 [5 favorites]
It's okay. That's an acceptable use of a napkin. If I found something like that after I had a dinner party, I might think it was a bit odd, but not super gross, and I would never expect an apology.
posted by Specklet at 10:16 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 10:16 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
We use cloth napkins for every meal. I scoop them up and toss them in the washing machine along with all the other laundry, barely looking at them. I would never notice a bite of salad in one. Don't worry about it -- they don't know it happened.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:27 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:27 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ignore it. UNless you were doing an entire chewed up lamb chop in various napkins stuffed into sofas like Jerry did in an old Seinfeld episode, this is absolutely nothing to think twice about. That's what napkins are for.
posted by modernnomad at 10:38 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by modernnomad at 10:38 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
What you did is so not even a faux pas, I would like to challenge your thinking on this. An actual faux pas would be something like "I got drunk and threw up on the dinner table" or "I knocked over my purse and my cocaine stash fell out" or "I went on a long rant about how white supremacists are just misunderstood". What you did could be summarized "I politely used my napkin in the way napkins are supposed to be politely used". You discreetly removed some inedible food from your mouth without drawing attention to yourself or the food. A++++, would etiquette again.
posted by medusa at 11:04 AM on May 26, 2013 [80 favorites]
posted by medusa at 11:04 AM on May 26, 2013 [80 favorites]
Medusa has it -- you did nothing wrong here, not from the beginning to the end.
posted by KathrynT at 11:07 AM on May 26, 2013
posted by KathrynT at 11:07 AM on May 26, 2013
The faux pas would be calling attention to the fact that your hosts accidentally served you salad with something inedible in it. Nothing can come of telling them but embarrassment - you used the napkin properly, the thing to do now is not mention it.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:13 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Space Kitty at 11:13 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nothing wrong with anything you did. Don't bother sending the e-mail. You seem like a very nice person who is considerate of the feelings of others and there's nothing wrong with that either.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:51 AM on May 26, 2013
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:51 AM on May 26, 2013
Also, you may want to reconsider your definition of gross dinner faux pas. Screaming "What the hell is wrong with this lettuce? It's disgusting!" while loudly spitting the offending piece of lettuce back on to your plate and storming out of the room making gagging noises would be a gross faux pas. You behaved politely.
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:55 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:55 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nth "that's part of the normal use of a napkin." I have people over for dinner all the time, I am a cloth napkin user, I would never peek in a used napkin; they just get bundled up and chucked in the washing machine. Even if they did notice it, I would imagine they thought that they accidentally made a salad faux pas -- unexpected bit of pit or foreign object or something. You did nothing at all wrong here.
posted by kmennie at 12:18 PM on May 26, 2013
posted by kmennie at 12:18 PM on May 26, 2013
Oh God please don't mention it! Nobody wants to have to think about and discuss chewed up food. Everything's perfectly fine.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:41 PM on May 26, 2013
posted by Omnomnom at 12:41 PM on May 26, 2013
There is someone in my life who used to make a really big deal out of foods she didn't like. Including getting up from my dinner table and going, "ohmigod" and spitting her mouthful in the trashcan and then saying, "sorry, it seemed too spicy!" I may have had trouble hiding my aghast emotions then and during other meal faux pas in later times so that she either learned how to be polite or her palate has expanded (perhaps both) as she doesn't do that anymore (at least in front of me).
What you did would be considered the polite thing to do. A napkin is there to keep you clean and discretely hiding away a single offending bite of the meal is within the realm of polite society. If you got a bad bite of something a little more substantial, you are supposed to discretely place it back on your plate, you can even disguise it with another piece of unchewed food. However, chewed up lettuce is tricky and would look pretty unappetizing on your plate. I think you did what you needed to do and your hosts do not care.
posted by amanda at 12:53 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
What you did would be considered the polite thing to do. A napkin is there to keep you clean and discretely hiding away a single offending bite of the meal is within the realm of polite society. If you got a bad bite of something a little more substantial, you are supposed to discretely place it back on your plate, you can even disguise it with another piece of unchewed food. However, chewed up lettuce is tricky and would look pretty unappetizing on your plate. I think you did what you needed to do and your hosts do not care.
posted by amanda at 12:53 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
As someone who loves to host and cook for my friends, if this happened at my house and I NOTICED (I usually just grab up the napkins and throw them in the wash, as others have said) I certainly would not ever bring it up to the friend in question, even if my feelings were hurt with the thought that they didn't like something that I served. And anyway, if you ate the rest of your meal and were a polite guest and a friend, I would give you the benefit of the doubt that you know, it was a bad bite or the lettuce was slimy or something - I mean, would you be asking this question if you had spit out a bite of fat or gristle or something? No reasonable host expects you to shake out your napkin over the trash can, I mean, do they?
Incidentally, I used to HATE using cloth napkins in restaurants because my makeup would get on them and then I'd be all concerned about what the waiter thought about me and makeup and having to (maybe) use bleach in the laundry, and on and on, and it's really... just too much. Way too much worry over something so very very small. Let this one go, you just... used your napkin.
posted by polly_dactyl at 1:54 PM on May 26, 2013
Incidentally, I used to HATE using cloth napkins in restaurants because my makeup would get on them and then I'd be all concerned about what the waiter thought about me and makeup and having to (maybe) use bleach in the laundry, and on and on, and it's really... just too much. Way too much worry over something so very very small. Let this one go, you just... used your napkin.
posted by polly_dactyl at 1:54 PM on May 26, 2013
Nthing everyone who says let it go.
I was taught to discreetly spit inedible food on my fork and then put it on the edge of the plate.
posted by brujita at 1:57 PM on May 26, 2013
I was taught to discreetly spit inedible food on my fork and then put it on the edge of the plate.
posted by brujita at 1:57 PM on May 26, 2013
You used the napkin properly. As others have said, they may not have noticed whose napkin it was.
Shaking a crumpled cloth napkin at the table is, to me, a no-no, as I realized upon watching what I spit into it go flying across the table one time at a restaurant.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:05 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Shaking a crumpled cloth napkin at the table is, to me, a no-no, as I realized upon watching what I spit into it go flying across the table one time at a restaurant.
posted by SillyShepherd at 2:05 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Miss Manners would say that you have handled it exactly the way you should have and that anything further would only risk embarrassing your hosts more, assuming they noticed it. If they did notice it, they similarly should mention nothing.
It would have been difficult to empty the napkin discreetly, so that step is not socially required of you.
As with farting, there are some thing it is simply better not to discuss.
posted by dhartung at 4:33 PM on May 26, 2013
It would have been difficult to empty the napkin discreetly, so that step is not socially required of you.
As with farting, there are some thing it is simply better not to discuss.
posted by dhartung at 4:33 PM on May 26, 2013
Oh man, honestly, I came in here hoping to read about some cringe-inducing horrible thing you did at a dinner party so that I could feel a little bit better about myself while I eat my pizza in bed. I am disappointed. Discreetly spitting something inedible into your napkin is totally not a thing*. It would have been more awkward had you managed to sneak away and "empty" your napkin-contents into the trash after dinner. Not a big deal. One of the functions of a napkin is to serve as a receptacle for any inedible bits a diner might encounter in his food.
Don't send an email and don't give this another thought. No worries!
*The summer I was 9 my mom made me go to "charm school," much to my chagrin, so I feel that I have some authority on this matter.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:32 PM on May 26, 2013 [11 favorites]
Don't send an email and don't give this another thought. No worries!
*The summer I was 9 my mom made me go to "charm school," much to my chagrin, so I feel that I have some authority on this matter.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:32 PM on May 26, 2013 [11 favorites]
That is one of the things a napkin is FOR. I always use cloth napkins and I shake them out over the sink for just this reason.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 6:26 PM on May 26, 2013
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 6:26 PM on May 26, 2013
"Hey, remember that time you spit a bite of salad into one of my nice cloth napkins? Yeah, me neither."
posted by oceanjesse at 6:42 PM on May 26, 2013
posted by oceanjesse at 6:42 PM on May 26, 2013
Speaking AS a frequent host, just ignore it. They probably didn't even notice, and if they did they may have assumed anything from "oh, some schmutz from a plate got onto the napkin" or "maybe they dropped something in their lap and this is what it is". Them spitting a mouthful of food into the napkin is way down the list on things I could have thought it was, and even if I did think it was the case, what I would feel is guilty that they felt the need TO do that ("oh, crap, I guess I didn't wash the lettuce as well as I thought").
Let it go. You're fine. If you want to make yourself feel better, send them a lovely thank you for the dinner overall, without mentioning the napkin thing, and then say a Hail Mary or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let it go. You're fine. If you want to make yourself feel better, send them a lovely thank you for the dinner overall, without mentioning the napkin thing, and then say a Hail Mary or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:00 AM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Haha, yeah, when I read "faux pas", I had visions of a friend of a friend's uninvited mystery date who fell backwards into my $400 coffee table, destroying it, and spilling seafood and dips all over the carpet. What you did was using napkins as they're designed. Forget about it!
posted by Diag at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Diag at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dang, that's so discrete, unobtrusive and polite .... if that's the grossest, cruddiest thing that happens at dinners you attend then please invite me because I'd totally enjoy such a gracious event.
Another vote of "you're fine". Say nothing.
posted by mightshould at 1:01 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Another vote of "you're fine". Say nothing.
posted by mightshould at 1:01 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
LOL. Thanks to everyone for putting my mind at ease. I'm cracking up at some of your hilarious answers and grateful to askme's reality- check function. At least I didn't ask the hostess for a new cashmere shawl. (http://ask.metafilter.com/166208/Should-I-pay-to-replace-a-rude-guests-shawl)posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:31 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thanks!
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