You can't go home again
May 20, 2013 10:54 AM Subscribe
For the first time in my adult life, I'm contemplating moving back to my hometown. Have you moved back to your hometown? What was it like?
When I was 17, I left my hometown of Pittsburgh for college in Chicago. I hated Pittsburgh when I lived there - I grew up there in the '90s, when it was still really dark and depressing. I contemplated moving back after I graduated from college, but I ultimately decided that I would have better job opportunities here. Since then, I've settled into a great job, met and moved in with my boyfriend, and made a great circle of friends here. I go back to Pittsburgh a few times a year, but never regretted my decision to come to Chicago.
This past weekend, I took my boyfriend home to visit for the first time. Maybe it was because he was seeing it for the first time, or because I got to spend a lot of time with relatives that I don't often get to see - but I truly loved being there. The city has changed dramatically for the better since I left; cost of living is extremely low and young people are actually sticking around, so the economy is booming and it's become a hip place to be. But more importantly I loved spending time with my family and was struck by how much I had missed. My niece, who was in grade school when I left, is now a teenager. My grandfathers are much older. My sister is now married and they will have children in the next few years. I loved spending time with them and was sad to think about how little I get to see them.
I cried most of the plane ride home. Even when I would take trips back in college, I wouldn't shed more than a few tears on the trip back to Chicago. I was surprised that I had such a strong emotional reaction, but then I realized: maybe being in Pittsburgh is what I really want. Maybe I've been gone too long and I could build a life there that gave me a lot of the great things about my childhood, but let me do my own thing, too.
My boyfriend and I just signed another year-long lease. He was born and raised here and never wants to live anywhere else. And I don't want to jump headfirst into this idea, because I know I may very well change my mind in a few weeks. I'm going back to visit in September (already planned trip, sans boyfriend), so that will be interesting.
How do I even broach this with my boyfriend? Have you moved back to your hometown? Was it everything you thought it would be?
When I was 17, I left my hometown of Pittsburgh for college in Chicago. I hated Pittsburgh when I lived there - I grew up there in the '90s, when it was still really dark and depressing. I contemplated moving back after I graduated from college, but I ultimately decided that I would have better job opportunities here. Since then, I've settled into a great job, met and moved in with my boyfriend, and made a great circle of friends here. I go back to Pittsburgh a few times a year, but never regretted my decision to come to Chicago.
This past weekend, I took my boyfriend home to visit for the first time. Maybe it was because he was seeing it for the first time, or because I got to spend a lot of time with relatives that I don't often get to see - but I truly loved being there. The city has changed dramatically for the better since I left; cost of living is extremely low and young people are actually sticking around, so the economy is booming and it's become a hip place to be. But more importantly I loved spending time with my family and was struck by how much I had missed. My niece, who was in grade school when I left, is now a teenager. My grandfathers are much older. My sister is now married and they will have children in the next few years. I loved spending time with them and was sad to think about how little I get to see them.
I cried most of the plane ride home. Even when I would take trips back in college, I wouldn't shed more than a few tears on the trip back to Chicago. I was surprised that I had such a strong emotional reaction, but then I realized: maybe being in Pittsburgh is what I really want. Maybe I've been gone too long and I could build a life there that gave me a lot of the great things about my childhood, but let me do my own thing, too.
My boyfriend and I just signed another year-long lease. He was born and raised here and never wants to live anywhere else. And I don't want to jump headfirst into this idea, because I know I may very well change my mind in a few weeks. I'm going back to visit in September (already planned trip, sans boyfriend), so that will be interesting.
How do I even broach this with my boyfriend? Have you moved back to your hometown? Was it everything you thought it would be?
There's really nothing inherently wrong with living in the same place you were born. For one thing, it isn't the same place you were born - Pittsburgh in 2013 is, as you've noticed, an enormously different place from Pittsburgh 20 years ago. For another, just being an adult is enormously different than being a kid - you see even the same places through different eyes; that lame little patch of grass is now a fantastic little parklet that you treat as your front lawn. Cost of living is just more of a "grownup" concept to worry about. Et cetera.
For what it's worth, I went to college in Pittsburgh and then moved "back" to my hometown of Philadelphia. But I was raised in the suburbs of Philly-of-the-90s and went "back" to the city core of Philly in the mid-late 2000s, and frankly, there's no comparison - I now live in a different place than the one I grew up in.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, I went to college in Pittsburgh and then moved "back" to my hometown of Philadelphia. But I was raised in the suburbs of Philly-of-the-90s and went "back" to the city core of Philly in the mid-late 2000s, and frankly, there's no comparison - I now live in a different place than the one I grew up in.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:10 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I lived in my hometown briefly in the middle of college (I took a year off) and hated it, but I hated it growing up, too.
To me, it seems if you've never wanted to go back, your emotional reaction on the plane is probably just nostalgia and having had a good time with your relatives. I'd let it ride for a few months and see how you feel next winter.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
To me, it seems if you've never wanted to go back, your emotional reaction on the plane is probably just nostalgia and having had a good time with your relatives. I'd let it ride for a few months and see how you feel next winter.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
My kids (sons, ages ranging from 37-43) all moved back to their hometown, Ithaca, NY, over the last ten years. I had already left, I didn't grow up there, just lived there for 20 years.
They've all got hometown partners and are doing well. One of my sons was involved with a lovely woman from the Pacific Northwest for many years but when it came time to get really serious and think about having babies they realized that grandparents on opposite ends of the country wouldn't be great.
When I visit I love the way that my kids are still friends with people they knew in daycare, and their siblings, and their parents.
posted by mareli at 11:28 AM on May 20, 2013
They've all got hometown partners and are doing well. One of my sons was involved with a lovely woman from the Pacific Northwest for many years but when it came time to get really serious and think about having babies they realized that grandparents on opposite ends of the country wouldn't be great.
When I visit I love the way that my kids are still friends with people they knew in daycare, and their siblings, and their parents.
posted by mareli at 11:28 AM on May 20, 2013
Pittsburgh-centric answer: Grew up in the North Hills of Pittsburgh, left in 1995 after college. Moved back in 2006 to the area, in order to be closer to family and raise children.
Definitely had some weirdness of the "you now feel at home neither in your hometown or anywhere else" variety. But it's still a good town, and a lot of the things that weren't great about it in the 80s and 90s have changed. Also I didn't go back to the same suburb I was from, which probably made a big deal-same broader culture, but not running into people from high school at the market.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:41 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Definitely had some weirdness of the "you now feel at home neither in your hometown or anywhere else" variety. But it's still a good town, and a lot of the things that weren't great about it in the 80s and 90s have changed. Also I didn't go back to the same suburb I was from, which probably made a big deal-same broader culture, but not running into people from high school at the market.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:41 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I grew up in Santa Cruz California, and moved away (to Sacramento) when I was 20. I lived there for a few years, then in San Francisco and around that area for a couple years, and eventually moved back at 28 (I'm 32 now).
I've loved being back. I reconnected with some old friends, and made new ones. I got back into hobbies that used to be important to me that I couldn't do in some other places. I'm near my parents again which is really a fantastic thing now that I have a child. I never want to leave again.
But, I always loved Santa Cruz. I lived in other places for a variety of different practical reasons, but never because I didn't like Santa Cruz. Once I could make my professional situation work in Santa Cruz, I came back home.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 12:04 PM on May 20, 2013
I've loved being back. I reconnected with some old friends, and made new ones. I got back into hobbies that used to be important to me that I couldn't do in some other places. I'm near my parents again which is really a fantastic thing now that I have a child. I never want to leave again.
But, I always loved Santa Cruz. I lived in other places for a variety of different practical reasons, but never because I didn't like Santa Cruz. Once I could make my professional situation work in Santa Cruz, I came back home.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 12:04 PM on May 20, 2013
Treat this trip like a vacation. Everyone gets that feeling on the plane ride home from Hawaii like, "Oh my god, we're wasting our lives. Why don't we move out here and live on the beach?" But then you get home and you remember that one restaurant you really like that's two blocks from your apartment and all the friends you have in your home city that you would never see if you lived in some remote tropical paradise.
Give it six months. If Pittsburgh still feels like a good idea after you've gotten over your recent pleasant experience, consider it an option.
posted by deathpanels at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Give it six months. If Pittsburgh still feels like a good idea after you've gotten over your recent pleasant experience, consider it an option.
posted by deathpanels at 12:06 PM on May 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
My niece, who was in grade school when I left, is now a teenager. My grandfathers are much older. My sister is now married
You say you have a great job, so why not you start financing 3 visits a year or so to reconnect with your family and see if that meets your needs?
I did the drive between Chicago and Pittsburgh comfortably in a little under 7 hrs. recently. So you wouldn't always have to fly if that makes transport less complicated.
Perhaps during this recent visit you were just overwhelmed at having stayed away for years and having lost touch with your family, but significantly more frequent in-person visits could address this problem w/out moving and creating headaches for your relationship.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 12:10 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
You say you have a great job, so why not you start financing 3 visits a year or so to reconnect with your family and see if that meets your needs?
I did the drive between Chicago and Pittsburgh comfortably in a little under 7 hrs. recently. So you wouldn't always have to fly if that makes transport less complicated.
Perhaps during this recent visit you were just overwhelmed at having stayed away for years and having lost touch with your family, but significantly more frequent in-person visits could address this problem w/out moving and creating headaches for your relationship.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 12:10 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Tomorrowful and Chrysostom both make a good point: if your hometown is a major city, you can move to a different part of the city/metropolitan area and be "home" - close enough to family, culturally familiar - without being in the same place you grew up, and all that entails. I both live in, and grew up in, NYC, but I live in a totally different part of the city from the rather more remote corner where I grew up. If I want to go visit my mom, she's half an hour away, but I'm not always running into acquaintances from high school and my world is quite a bit wider than that of people who stuck around the same area, I think.
I don't know whether you should move back to Pittsburgh or not - my two cents, really, is that you're probably just feeling nostalgic after a good trip, so give it some time - but if you ever do go back, moving to an interesting part of town that isn't exactly where you grew up could be a way to get the best of both worlds (or something close to it).
posted by breakin' the law at 12:32 PM on May 20, 2013
I don't know whether you should move back to Pittsburgh or not - my two cents, really, is that you're probably just feeling nostalgic after a good trip, so give it some time - but if you ever do go back, moving to an interesting part of town that isn't exactly where you grew up could be a way to get the best of both worlds (or something close to it).
posted by breakin' the law at 12:32 PM on May 20, 2013
I grew up in a suburb of Pittsburgh, moved to Big Exciting City for a job after college, and just recently moved back to Pittsburgh proper. I did it to be closer to family, and to save money and maybe buy a house (Big Exciting City houses start at around 400k). I do miss my friends in Big Exciting City, but it's AWESOME to be near my family again. I can go to birthday parties and weddings and "just-because" dinners, and since I only live (at most) an hour away, I can GO HOME afterwards and SLEEP IN MY OWN BED.
Being here has hugely improved my quality of life. I see my family more frequently, so I have a better support network there. I have the same job, but in a different, lower-stress industry. My dollar goes further, so I worry less about money.
HOWEVER. My husband also has family around Pittsburgh, so I never had to choose between the relationship and my family. So hold off on any major changes. Figure out your priorities, take the trip in September. See if you still love the city, and then open a discussion with your boyfriend.
posted by specialagentwebb at 12:39 PM on May 20, 2013
Being here has hugely improved my quality of life. I see my family more frequently, so I have a better support network there. I have the same job, but in a different, lower-stress industry. My dollar goes further, so I worry less about money.
HOWEVER. My husband also has family around Pittsburgh, so I never had to choose between the relationship and my family. So hold off on any major changes. Figure out your priorities, take the trip in September. See if you still love the city, and then open a discussion with your boyfriend.
posted by specialagentwebb at 12:39 PM on May 20, 2013
I moved home with my husband and kids and it is the best decision we ever made. This has everything to do with familial relations and nothing to do with the place.
posted by dpx.mfx at 1:06 PM on May 20, 2013
posted by dpx.mfx at 1:06 PM on May 20, 2013
Pittsburgh is a completely different place now, so I'm kinda with you on this (although all of my family has now moved away.) I still love Pittsburgh and I would consider moving for the right offer.
The joke in our family used to be "You can't be serious about something until you go to the library." (Let's go ahead adn update that to Internet.)
So. Can you get a job in Pittsburgh? Can you get a place to live? Let's really think about it.
Here's how I'd broach it with my BF. "Juan, I really loved being back in Pittsburgh and I think I want to move back there. I'm still in the exploratory stages of that decision, and you're an important part of my life so I'd like your input. What do you think about the idea? Would you be interested in embarking on that kind of adventure with me?" It'll open up an interesting dialogue for sure. You might have to live with Juan saying, "No, I don't see that happening for me." And you'll have to factor that into any decision you make.
If you do bring it up with your BF, be prepared to get into a deep discussion about your relationship and where it's going.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2013
The joke in our family used to be "You can't be serious about something until you go to the library." (Let's go ahead adn update that to Internet.)
So. Can you get a job in Pittsburgh? Can you get a place to live? Let's really think about it.
Here's how I'd broach it with my BF. "Juan, I really loved being back in Pittsburgh and I think I want to move back there. I'm still in the exploratory stages of that decision, and you're an important part of my life so I'd like your input. What do you think about the idea? Would you be interested in embarking on that kind of adventure with me?" It'll open up an interesting dialogue for sure. You might have to live with Juan saying, "No, I don't see that happening for me." And you'll have to factor that into any decision you make.
If you do bring it up with your BF, be prepared to get into a deep discussion about your relationship and where it's going.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2013
Moved from DC to LA when I was 33, fulfilling my life-long dream. Contract ended suddenly when I was 40, but the company had plenty of work in the DC area, so back I came. Thought it would be tolerable since I'd be VA-centric in the new position whereas previously I'd always been MD-centric. Novelty wore off after six months, What had I done? Took the first possible transfer back to California, which turned out to be in Silicon Valley. Sixteen years later, and I'm still here!
posted by Rash at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2013
posted by Rash at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2013
I moved myself back home to Chicago after living in New Mexico for six years. Hated the feeling that all of my friends had new lives that I was barely a part of. I still distinctly remember standing in the big windows of Mary's Attic at Clark and Balmoral thinking "you really can't go home again". I moved on just a few months later.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:07 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by FlamingBore at 8:07 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I read the whole question and all of the answers but my initial gut reaction, based just on the initial question, was DON'T DO IT!!! I moved home after college and it tore me a new one for the following reasons:
1) Being too close to relatives who I mostly got along with because of distance,
2) Living in a now economically depressed area, and
3) Not having any friends in the area, not having a clear plan for where I wanted my career/education to go in the area (because there were no feasible resources there for me).
Obviously your question is very different but I think there's something about moving back home that for many people feels very off, even if everything is superficially OK-- you may never reintegrate in the same way. But ultimately it's up to you. I like being home and near (most of) my family, but there's something about being at home that just kind of... arrests my development as a person.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:11 PM on May 21, 2013
1) Being too close to relatives who I mostly got along with because of distance,
2) Living in a now economically depressed area, and
3) Not having any friends in the area, not having a clear plan for where I wanted my career/education to go in the area (because there were no feasible resources there for me).
Obviously your question is very different but I think there's something about moving back home that for many people feels very off, even if everything is superficially OK-- you may never reintegrate in the same way. But ultimately it's up to you. I like being home and near (most of) my family, but there's something about being at home that just kind of... arrests my development as a person.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:11 PM on May 21, 2013
Oh, also, the first time my boyfriend & I visited my hometown together, I definitely saw it through rose-tinted glasses because everything was so novel to him. After a few more visits (and living there together for a little while) it wore off.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:12 PM on May 21, 2013
posted by stoneandstar at 9:12 PM on May 21, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
I hated it. HOWEVER...I was (a) living with my mother, and (b) in a college town where my preferred age range for potential social and romantic partners was notably absent, as the vast majority of people were students under 25 and faculty and staff over 40. Or people I went to high school with, who I had no real desire to reacquaint myself with.
Everything turned out for the best in the end--I started hanging out with the local college science fiction group, made a lot of mostly-younger friends I still hang out with now that they're in their 30s, and ended up marrying one of them last year, now that the seven-year gap in our ages doesn't matter so much. But I felt socially isolated for a lot of those five years.
Your home town is a much, much larger city so I don't think you'll face anything like I faced as long as you make an effort to get out of your familiar digs and see what's out there.
posted by telophase at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2013