You can ALWAYS come home...

July 25, 2009 1:17 PM

Please share your re-nesting experience. Help me avoid getting sucked into the vortex of hometown life.

I am strongly considering re-nesting.

Five years ago, I moved across the country for law school. Leaving home was a great decision and it has served me well. I have much more appropriate boundaries with my parents and I'm a little older, a little wiser and a lot healthier. But I'm a lot more in debt.

I love my adopted city (Philadelphia, PA) but I am not moving forward professionally or financially. Actually, I'm backsliding ever so slightly. For a year now, my father has suggested I move home, live at little or no cost, and use that time to get settled into adulthood by getting into a routine with my student loans, rehabbing my credit, getting some savings put together, and even taking the bar exam. Despite my aversion to living in my hometown (Galveston, TX), I think I am ready to accept that it is my best option. The low cost of living back home, coupled with my father's generosity, means that I can do significantly more - even staying at the $30k that I currently make.

How do I achieve the goals of re-nesting (extreme savings and financial rehab coupled with professional development on the order of taking and passing the bar exam) without getting sucked into hometown life AND without undermining my success by spending my way out of potential hometown blues? What timeline should I be looking at? What rules should I set for myself to make this the most pleasant/productive/positive experience possible? How do I deal with my grief over leaving behind a life (and friends!) I truly enjoy to do what I know, deep down, is the right thing? What do you wish you had known before you (or your children) re-nested? What are your favorite re-nesting resources?

posted by greekphilosophy to work & money (13 comments total)

I lived at home for a few years while saving money to buy a New York city apartment. I don't have any great suggestions as to how to make living at home more palatable, but one of them was that I had this specific goal. If living in Philadelphia, staying with your friends, and practicing law there is your goal, moving back home seems a step in the wrong direction. If you move back, get settled in, and get a job there, it will be even harder to leave. You may want to find an alternative route that keeps you pointed in the direction you want to go. Is there a way to live near Phily but more cheaply? Can you get a roommate, cheaper place, or move farther away? Can you find a way to make more? It is not that uncommon for people to be in debt from school yet find a way to live where they want.
posted by lsemel at 1:32 PM on July 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is a derail, and I apologize for it, but in many ways the Galveston you grew up in is probably not the Galveston that exists today. I sympathize with you: Part of the reason why I moved to G-Town in 2002 when I moved back home to Texas was to avoid living too close to my elderly parents in San Antonio. I wanted to be close by when they needed me, but not so close as to be entangled in their daily lives.

My partner and I moved up to Pearland in 2007 because of his poor health. If we'd stayed, we would have lost our home to Ike. Some of the businesses that were on the Island before have closed and not re-opened, perhaps including many of the places you knew. With the layoffs at UTMB last year, many of their employees were forced to find work in Houston or elsewhere. And of course, a lot of people left. My next door neighbor had already moved to the Valley prior to the storm. The couple across the street moved to Sugar Land; they're restoring their home and plan to sell it and not come back. The lady on the corner stayed with friends for a couple months, then came back to camp out in her upstairs because her downstairs was unlivable. There's thousands of stories like these, and I haven't even started on what happening to the trees...

I guess my point is that when you are their, you'll have a couple of things going on. On the one hand, you'll be "re-nesting" with your folks, and you'll encounter those of your old friends who are still on the Island, etc. On the other hand, you'll also have the cognitive shock of "this is different" and "that is gone" and "something new is here that wasn't here before." You may even find that a social scene exists (downtown coffee houses? actual classy bars?) that perhaps wasn't there when you lived there before.

Hope this helps. Feel free to me-mail me if you like.
posted by Robert Angelo at 1:53 PM on July 25

I re-nested in a way more typical way, right after I graduated from college. It's been two and a half months now, and I'm moving out at the end of the summer. I have a good relationship with my mother, who I live with now, but just by living in the same house she seems to have forgotten about boundaries (she does things like walking into my room without knocking and checking in with me several times a day). It would be absolutely impossible to have any sort of romantic relationship, and I'm always feeling like she's trying to hands-on parent me.
I'm trying to save up for grad school, so there's definitely a financial reason for me to live rent-free at home, but I feel like my personal life has been put on hold. After a lot of thought I decided I'd rather live in the real world, poor, than have a comfortable but in many ways restricted life at my childhood home. I don't want to risk turning into Emily Dickinson at 22.

Think really hard about the emotional and personal cost of this. You're older, so it might be easier to maintain boundaries, but there will always be things you're uncomfortable doing knowing your parent(s) are in the next room. Or the same room, staring at you, always.
posted by oinopaponton at 1:56 PM on July 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

Unless your end goal is to establish your post-doctoral life in Galveston, it seems that moving there could be counterproductive. I know all too well about the siren song of going back home to live with parents, but in my experience (I've done it twice, fool that I am), it's not worth it. Then again, your parents may be respectful of your adult autonomy and conscientious about your boundaries. Mine were neither.

If your plan is to eventually settle down and practice law in Philadelphia, that's where you should live. It might not be as financially comfortable, but the early years rarely are--and you'll avoid the headache of having to relocate once again if you learn the hard way that Galveston is not where you want to be.
posted by balls at 2:10 PM on July 25

Just for some clarity: I should note that neither Philadelphia nor Galveston are my desired destinations. I have enjoyed my time in Philadelphia, but am not interested in putting down deep roots in either location. There is too much out there to see. As much as I like Philadelphia I have a lot more wandering to do before I settle down. Because I know that I am not interested in settling down back in Galveston, I am looking at this as a very targeted arrangement meant to move me forward to whatever adventure comes next for me. Sorry for not being more clear about that.

Additionally, the practice of law is not necessarily my ultimate professional goal. Taking the bar is merely the next step that I should have followed through on after graduation, which at present feels incomplete. It is also something I am finally willing to contemplate doing if it means a greater degree of financial security. But just because I'm willing to do it doesn't mean it is will to have me at present. Even the prospect of temping is unlikely because there are so many licensed attorneys out of work right now. I'd simply like to increase my employability in that area - but that wont happen without at least saving a couple thousand dollars (an impossibility given my current finances).

I have tried a number of things to become more financially stable in Philadelphia - including paring back my expenses, taking on a roommate, and taking on secondary jobs in addition to my 9-5. Those things have been helpful to a point, but they have still failed to propel me forward and within another six months I will find myself having to face a new set of loans to be repaid. While I am no longer sinking, I still remain treading water with the very real possibility that I will start sinking again. And with no margin to fall back on, that's a very uncomfortable place to be.

So I guess ultimately the question isn't one of WHETHER I should do this, but HOW BEST to do this.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:40 PM on July 25

Could you work in Houston, commute from home, and spend a lot of time up there? I'm not a Texan, so I have no idea if that's viable - Google Maps puts it at an hour's drive. But it's the fourth-largest city in America, so there will be stuff to do and people to see and new beginnings to enjoy. Your folks may also want to come along with you! I say you should incorporate them in your life as much as you want - invite them out for dinners, go to the theatre or comedy clubs, walk through your local farmer's markets together. Bring them the life you enjoy now, or would be enjoying if you had more money.
posted by mdonley at 2:58 PM on July 25

See about getting a clerkship in Galveston. If you're making $30K now, I'll guess that you're either clerking at the state level or being taken advantage of by a small firm. Then again, you might be working at something outside the law.

Perhaps your parents know someone who knows someone who can help you land a decent job in Galveston, one that will help propel you forward, financially and professionally.

Additionally, if Galveston is as Robert Angelo says, then you might find your niche there. I moved to Newark, NJ, thinking it'd be a temporary stop along the way. I haven't yet found my niche, but the situation in Newark has me rethinking my career goals. Galveston might do the same for you.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 3:05 PM on July 25

I think this is entirely dependent on your parents and your hometown.

I can tell you a little bit about my experience: I moved home at the end of college. My relationship with my mother is . . . interesting (she's not great with the boundaries, although we get along on many levels). I had to continuously assert myself/my independence and, for the sake of keeping the peace, quickly realized that I had to inform her of my location at all times, which was trying. We lived in suburban New Jersey; all but one of my friends had moved away. It was a really, really lonely place. Even if I had wanted to make new friends there (and "new friends" largely would have been "the kids who were mean to me in high school who stayed in the area"), it would have been difficult. There just wasn't a lot going on there. It was a stagnant place, and quickly became, for me, a stagnant situation.

Have you considered moving to an area with a lower cost of living? There are great college towns in the south and midwest where you can live very cheaply, where there's plenty to do and see. It seems like this would be a good idea if you still feel like you're exploring and not ready to put down permanent roots.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:08 PM on July 25

An important thing that you need to think about in terms of re-nesting is your current realtioship with your father and possibly your ability to assert yourself as an adult to your father.

That sounds aggressive. Here's what I really mean: when I was temporarily staying with my folks, I was miserable not so much because it was all unplanned, but because I lost a lot of the independence that I previously had. Scheduling phone interviews and in-town appointments took a lot of coordination with my father. I had a phone interview cut short from him yelling for me, even after I had warned him I'd be expecting a call and unreachable. Me not being able to afford my own car meant figuring out when these car-shares where feasible. He was kind of unable to fully grasp that I was not there on vacation, but an adult facing a setback and trying to get my life back on track. It resulted in me feeling like I was 16 pretty often, and I felt the need to flee. Quickly. If unprepared, you may find yourself similarly having the urge to leave the otherwise budget-sensible scenario.
posted by piratebowling at 5:12 PM on July 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

I also moved across country to go to law school and had to return home after graduation since I was unemployed. Unlike you though, I took the bar exam immediately after law school and fortunately was employed 6 months after moving home. At that time, housing and rent prices were so high (this was during the peak of the dot com boom and I'm from Silicon Valley) that it made no economic sense to rent. So what I did was put money away every month into a savings account that otherwise would've gone to rent. I ended up buying my own place 3 years later.

Those 3 years were by no means fun. I'd been out of the house since I was 18 and my mom has no boundaries, we sometimes got into the same type of yelling matches we did when I was a teenager. I pretty much stopped answering her questions about where I was going or who I was going with.

How this works out for you is strongly dependent on how determined you are to accomplish your goal(s). I was determined to buy a house and that required a certain amount of sacrifice.

You probably already know this, but think carefully about where you're going to take the Bar. If you don't plan on practicing in TX, then don't waste countless hours and thousands of dollars taking the bar there.
posted by calgirl13 at 6:43 PM on July 25

After going away for college, my number 1 plan panned spectacularly after I graduated and I returned to my hometown and ended up staying with my parents.

Man, was that a nightmare. I got a decent job within a few months and promptly got a nice place in an awesome part of town. Then I got laid off after 2 years. Moved back, but by then my mother had a freak out and left town. I got along splendidly with my dad - it was almost like a roommates situation but we were both really responsible about cleaning up and taking care of the house and garden and whoever got back first would start dinner. I eventually entered a MSc program and my mother moved back in. Things degenerated rapidly. After a bunch of really sucky years, I got the stupid MSc, started a PhD in a different field, got a great scholarship and promptly moved out again.

Have you spoken with both of your parents about the living situation? Will you be having meals with them - who will prepare the meals? Groceries? Are your parents ok with you raiding the fridge? Do you have your own room, or personal 'living space' to potentially entertain? Do you have any habits, vices, or lifestyle choices that your parents don't approve of? Do both of your parents work full time and do they have any hobbies/friends outside of the house or are they at the house all.the.time?

You mentioned that your father offered for you to move back temporarily; have you talked with your mother about this?

1. Hometown blues. It doesn't sound like you have any childhood friends who're super close who're still around. Does Galveston have any societies/professional-groups/hobby-groups/well-known-personages that are related to the field that you want to pursue a career in?
2. Timeline. It depends on what your debt load is and what kind of job (and how much it'll pay) in Galveston. Is there a particular city that would be conducive to your desired career? Save up 3 (or whatever) months of living in that city plus the cost of relocation (and back relocation to Galveston). Once you reach that sum (all the while paying down student debt), take the risk to make your dream come true. Of course, make as many contacts as possible via - gasp! the internat - before taking the plunge.
4. Leaving friends. There's the internet. Facebook, chat, whatever. I missed a lot of people I was close to in college but.. meh.

Good luck! Who knows, you might just find someone who wants you to be their trophy wife in Galveston.
posted by porpoise at 7:42 PM on July 25

Although it sounds like you've already made up your mind, beware that moving back home can be costly in many ways other than finance. I did it as well, for all the same reasons, and I regret it.

You will grow accustomed to a certain standard of living -- nicer house, full-fridge, you might be able to afford a nicer phone, car, etc -- all because you are being supported by your parents. When you do move out, you'll have to take a step back in living standards, so be prepared for this.

Living at parents house also encouages you to be lazier - you can hold out for a good job because you don't need to worry about putting a roof over your head or food on your plate. It will kill your survival instinct and your drive and momentum.

If you are going to do this, just be aware that it's going to be tense, and your parents aren't going to kick you out so you need to find that motivation within yourself. Have a set period of time that you are going to do this.

Find a way to repay your parents for their generosity. Cook dinner, help with tasks around the house, so that you don't feel like a burden.

Your sex life will probably have to be put on hold.

Like you, I also had (still have!) enormous debt. In hindsight, moving back with my parents for that brief period of time after school was a step back. You can find a way to make ends meet -- you might have to work harder, but it's possible, and the freedom and independence and life skills you gain is priceless.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 11:05 PM on July 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

i lived at home for about six months between finishing college and moving to philly and starting grad school.

everyone's family dynamic is different, but for us it was really hard (for all of us) to see me as an adult. even though i was working full time, as were they, when we all got home for the evening, we fell into the same routines that had filled my high school years. with a dad and a son it might be easier to have a "roommate" relationship than a parent/child relationship, and that's what i'd advise.

you each do your own laundry. buy your own food (but of course share meals if you want to!). if you end up with a car, you pay insurance, etc. hopefully you won't have a curfew imposed. pay some kind of rent every month, even if it is a pittance. stuff like that.

you're going into this looking at it as temporary, and that's good. but don't tell any potential employers that. even if "temporary" is two years, they don't need to know that. if they ask why you're back in town, don't say it's so you can save money and pay off your debt (not that you would, but still). "closer to family" is always a good answer.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:42 PM on July 27 [1 favorite has favorites]