How do I kick this person to the curb?
May 10, 2013 2:33 PM Subscribe
I was friends with this woman for a couple of years. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I tried to accomplish this in a nonconfrontational (read: passive aggressive, maybe?) way, but she's still contacting me. Do I need to tell her an actual reason for why I don't really wanna talk to her anymore?
I was introduced to her by a mutual internet friend awhile back when I was bemoaning my lack of friends in London. The relationship was fine at first; we bonded over being expats abroad and crafty stuff, and I saw her every couple of months and that was fine. She has since moved away, so I only see her about once a year. Our respective internet presences were fairly closely intertwined, though, so I was still very aware of what was going on in her life through facebook and stuff. She is quite a needy, negative, sensitive person; bad things are always happening to her because she's American, or because British people are so rude, or because she's so alternative that nobody can handle it, or whatever. There's always drama, and it's never actually her fault, according to her.
The second time we met up after being introduced, we had a really heated discussion about cultural appropriation. She doesn't think it's a thing and is quite "woo woo" about it in a way I find irritating, and I definitely think it's a thing and a really problematic one at that. At the time, I think we kind of agreed to disagree, and she wasn't actively being fucked up, so I think I tried to forget about it.
After she moved away, she got into American Tribal Style belly dancing in a big way, to the point where almost every single one of her facebook posts is about that. I did a bit of pruning so that I wasn't seeing most of what she posted; lots of vaguely South Asian and Middle Eastern inspired clothing and accessories on a load of white women is not really my cup of tea. A few months ago, a picture of her dressed for a dance performance where she was wearing a bindi was used in a tumblr post criticising white people who appropriate the trappings and cultures of Asians (the bindi in particular). She posted a really messed up whinge on facebook moaning about how upset and oppressed she was as a white woman, which received lots of positive attention from her other friends (eg. "You go girl!" "They're just haters!" "But that's cultural appreciation!" etc.). I was grossed out by it, and disillusioned enough with her as a person already, so I unfriended her on facebook and other social networks without another word between us. I haven't really thought about her since.
Fast forward to today, and I see that she's left a comment on one of my flickr photos and favorited two of them. Even though I'd deleted her as a contact, I didn't think to block her. The content of the comment clearly indicates that she didn't pick up on the fact that I'd unfriended her. I had also posted a link to my tumblr in the comments of a photo, and she has now added me on tumblr.
Right, so I could just block her on both of these platforms and move on. But part of me is now feeling bad that I didn't take the time to let her know that I don't want to be friends and why. But what am I meant to say if I'm honest? "Uh, yeah, I find your behaviour really fucked up, plus you're super negative and annoying?" I'm not interested in salvaging the friendship at all. Do I owe her some sort of communication/explanation, or can I simply block her and move on with my life? To be clear, I'm not interested in whether you think cultural appropriation is a legit reason to unfriend someone, just how I should go about responding to her (if that's even necessary) now that it's obvious she didn't get the hint when I unfriended her everywhere.
I was introduced to her by a mutual internet friend awhile back when I was bemoaning my lack of friends in London. The relationship was fine at first; we bonded over being expats abroad and crafty stuff, and I saw her every couple of months and that was fine. She has since moved away, so I only see her about once a year. Our respective internet presences were fairly closely intertwined, though, so I was still very aware of what was going on in her life through facebook and stuff. She is quite a needy, negative, sensitive person; bad things are always happening to her because she's American, or because British people are so rude, or because she's so alternative that nobody can handle it, or whatever. There's always drama, and it's never actually her fault, according to her.
The second time we met up after being introduced, we had a really heated discussion about cultural appropriation. She doesn't think it's a thing and is quite "woo woo" about it in a way I find irritating, and I definitely think it's a thing and a really problematic one at that. At the time, I think we kind of agreed to disagree, and she wasn't actively being fucked up, so I think I tried to forget about it.
After she moved away, she got into American Tribal Style belly dancing in a big way, to the point where almost every single one of her facebook posts is about that. I did a bit of pruning so that I wasn't seeing most of what she posted; lots of vaguely South Asian and Middle Eastern inspired clothing and accessories on a load of white women is not really my cup of tea. A few months ago, a picture of her dressed for a dance performance where she was wearing a bindi was used in a tumblr post criticising white people who appropriate the trappings and cultures of Asians (the bindi in particular). She posted a really messed up whinge on facebook moaning about how upset and oppressed she was as a white woman, which received lots of positive attention from her other friends (eg. "You go girl!" "They're just haters!" "But that's cultural appreciation!" etc.). I was grossed out by it, and disillusioned enough with her as a person already, so I unfriended her on facebook and other social networks without another word between us. I haven't really thought about her since.
Fast forward to today, and I see that she's left a comment on one of my flickr photos and favorited two of them. Even though I'd deleted her as a contact, I didn't think to block her. The content of the comment clearly indicates that she didn't pick up on the fact that I'd unfriended her. I had also posted a link to my tumblr in the comments of a photo, and she has now added me on tumblr.
Right, so I could just block her on both of these platforms and move on. But part of me is now feeling bad that I didn't take the time to let her know that I don't want to be friends and why. But what am I meant to say if I'm honest? "Uh, yeah, I find your behaviour really fucked up, plus you're super negative and annoying?" I'm not interested in salvaging the friendship at all. Do I owe her some sort of communication/explanation, or can I simply block her and move on with my life? To be clear, I'm not interested in whether you think cultural appropriation is a legit reason to unfriend someone, just how I should go about responding to her (if that's even necessary) now that it's obvious she didn't get the hint when I unfriended her everywhere.
I don't understand why this is an issue. You don't see her in person, you don't enjoy her online interaction, you were never friends to begin with... block her like you'd block anyone you don't care to hear from.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:38 PM on May 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:38 PM on May 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
I've had to "unfriend" (pre-Facebook) one person. I didn't tell her why, and I don't regret that, because I felt that my reasons (similar to yours), if shared, would lead only to hurt feelings & anger, not to growth or greater happiness. Granted, that may not have been my decision to make. But I feel better about her occasionally thinking, "Gosh, how weird that pammeke suddenly unfriended me and cut off all contact!" than "Gosh, that was terribly hurtful (or enraging) when pammeke told me that I was an obnoxious, self-centered, fake, blowhard!" YMMV, but I vote to blocking and seeing that as a kindness (to you and to her).
posted by pammeke at 2:44 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by pammeke at 2:44 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
No, you don't owe her an explanation and yes, you should resist the urge to scold her on the way out the door. It's not passive aggressive if you're not trying to influence the other person's reaction, it's just walking away.
posted by headnsouth at 2:46 PM on May 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 2:46 PM on May 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
If you explain yourself you realize you'll be the subject of her next Facebook rant, right?
posted by acidic at 2:49 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by acidic at 2:49 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Don't tell her why you don't want to be friends. This is not a big deal. Your'e offended by things. She's offended by things. When I find myself getting offended by Facebook posts, I know it's time for me to back off Facebook. I have a friend who can be downright vulgar. She prefaces her posts with: This is not politically correct but... and then goes on about denying amnesty and such. I see it as fearful and sad, vulgar and rude. Others see it as the truth and like and comment. I don't understand it but it's not really my business. We all have issues we're crackpots about. There is no reason why you need to explain anything. You don't socialize with her now. Forget about it.
posted by Fairchild at 2:56 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Fairchild at 2:56 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm going to link my answer in yesterday's AskMe about a not-so-great best friend. Search through the Captain Awkward archives for other scripts and ways to handle people who are acting clueless, racist, or just really annoying. The concept that "No" is a complete sentence has been a god-send for me.
posted by spamandkimchi at 3:16 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by spamandkimchi at 3:16 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
There are always going to be annoying people in the world. You can filter/ignore her. You may end up with someone annoying as a coworker or neighbor someday. You will have to learn to ignore their dumbassery and learn to deal. This could be good practice. Begin by filtering or unfriending and saying nothing.
posted by discopolo at 3:22 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 3:22 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
There's nothing to be gained by telling her why you now dislike her. Block her and move on.
posted by theora55 at 3:32 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 3:32 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just ignore her. Some people want a reaction more than a conversation or a friendship. I'd just continue as things are now. If she doesn't lose interest in a few weeks, then escalate to blocking.
I'd think of her reading your tumblr and flickr as being like her overhearing a non-private conversation in a public place between you and somebody else. You may not want her to hear, but you don't have to engage her in the dialogue.
posted by dantodd at 3:41 PM on May 10, 2013
I'd think of her reading your tumblr and flickr as being like her overhearing a non-private conversation in a public place between you and somebody else. You may not want her to hear, but you don't have to engage her in the dialogue.
posted by dantodd at 3:41 PM on May 10, 2013
Block and move on. Also block her on Facebook, not merely unfriend her; block her on any email addresses she might know, and on your phone. No explanations needed, just block and move on.
("American Tribal Style" belly dancing?!? This is really a thing?!? Sheesh. I think I'll just crawl back in my cave now.)
posted by easily confused at 3:42 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
("American Tribal Style" belly dancing?!? This is really a thing?!? Sheesh. I think I'll just crawl back in my cave now.)
posted by easily confused at 3:42 PM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Right, so I could just block her on both of these platforms and move on.
Yes this is what you need to do. There is no benefit to nurturing conflict in this situation, which i what being honest with her would result in. She seems very committed to the Path of Wonky and there is zero chance she would gain any lesson from the confrontation except once again, how oppressed she is.
Flag it and move on.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:43 PM on May 10, 2013
Yes this is what you need to do. There is no benefit to nurturing conflict in this situation, which i what being honest with her would result in. She seems very committed to the Path of Wonky and there is zero chance she would gain any lesson from the confrontation except once again, how oppressed she is.
Flag it and move on.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:43 PM on May 10, 2013
She's obviously clueless; it sounds like that's a big part of why you're un-friending her in the first place. If being featured on that blog didn't prompt any introspection on her part do you really think that anything you say will?
Any time you can do something in a way that will generate less drama or a way that will generate more drama, choose that path of less drama.
posted by DingoMutt at 3:54 PM on May 10, 2013
Any time you can do something in a way that will generate less drama or a way that will generate more drama, choose that path of less drama.
posted by DingoMutt at 3:54 PM on May 10, 2013
If you have a problem with something she's *done*, tell her, if you have a problem with something she *is*, silently fade.
posted by tel3path at 3:55 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 3:55 PM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Way too many fucks given.
If you don't want to talk to this person, do not respond to their messages. If they keep sending messages, too bad for them. Unless she starts showing up at your front door, passively cutting her out of your life is easy. Stop responding and she'll go away.
posted by deathpanels at 4:19 PM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
If you don't want to talk to this person, do not respond to their messages. If they keep sending messages, too bad for them. Unless she starts showing up at your front door, passively cutting her out of your life is easy. Stop responding and she'll go away.
posted by deathpanels at 4:19 PM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
You think she's a hypocrite and inauthentic/dishonest and you don't really want to let this go without letting her know what you think of her. Maybe to teach her a lesson, maybe so she doesn't get away with it (whatever "it" is), maybe because you felt she didn't appreciate the friendship you gave her...could be any of a million things. But it's not really about her or who she is...the reasons have to do with you and your thoughts about her. You don't need her cooperation to deal with them and it's better if you don't involve her in whatever issue you're having. She's clearly got enough of her own.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:28 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by iamkimiam at 4:28 PM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
This may seem obvious, but have you checked the dates and are you sure she left comments after you deleted her from Facebook?
The other thing is, I don't notice my friend counts or my friends in my feed -- people have deleted their accounts and I never noticed. And even if she did notice a lack of you in her feed, maybe she similarly thought you deleted your Facebook. You can block her from everything, but on Tumblr, for example, she won't know she's blocked. If she went straight to your page and messaged (asked) you, you'll just never see it, but she will still have sent it. I assume she has your email - there's nothing that's stopping her from emailing you, unless you really want to set up a filter.
I think you can ignore her, realizing that she probably won't notice and try to reach out from you in a few months or whatever like everything is fine, and you will need to choose to ignore her again. Or, make it clearer -- you might just want to comment on what of her things about cultural appropriation that bothers you so much and be like, "I disagree. I think this is fucked up." And then never respond to her or talk to her again -- she'll figure it out.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:00 PM on May 10, 2013
The other thing is, I don't notice my friend counts or my friends in my feed -- people have deleted their accounts and I never noticed. And even if she did notice a lack of you in her feed, maybe she similarly thought you deleted your Facebook. You can block her from everything, but on Tumblr, for example, she won't know she's blocked. If she went straight to your page and messaged (asked) you, you'll just never see it, but she will still have sent it. I assume she has your email - there's nothing that's stopping her from emailing you, unless you really want to set up a filter.
I think you can ignore her, realizing that she probably won't notice and try to reach out from you in a few months or whatever like everything is fine, and you will need to choose to ignore her again. Or, make it clearer -- you might just want to comment on what of her things about cultural appropriation that bothers you so much and be like, "I disagree. I think this is fucked up." And then never respond to her or talk to her again -- she'll figure it out.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:00 PM on May 10, 2013
Nth'ing "block and forget", with one caveat...
What you've described doesn't really sound like a reason to actively block someone. Yeah, she sounds like a flake; sure, ignore her, but it doesn't make sense that she somehow bothers you so much that you consider the mere reminder of her continued existence as intolerable.
Hell, I still get emails every few weeks from highschool "friends" that I never even liked back then (a good 20 years ago now), and I haven't felt the need to do anything more than simply not read them.
posted by pla at 6:06 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
What you've described doesn't really sound like a reason to actively block someone. Yeah, she sounds like a flake; sure, ignore her, but it doesn't make sense that she somehow bothers you so much that you consider the mere reminder of her continued existence as intolerable.
Hell, I still get emails every few weeks from highschool "friends" that I never even liked back then (a good 20 years ago now), and I haven't felt the need to do anything more than simply not read them.
posted by pla at 6:06 PM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was friends with this woman for a couple of years. I don't want to be her friend anymore.
Then you're already not. Job done.
posted by flabdablet at 10:29 PM on May 10, 2013
Then you're already not. Job done.
posted by flabdablet at 10:29 PM on May 10, 2013
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