Should I have a baby?
April 19, 2013 10:06 AM Subscribe
My partner very much wants to have a baby as soon as possible. I can't decide.
I am 33, she is 32.
We have been together only about 3 months, we moved in together after 6 weeks because we were so sure we were a good fit. I still think we get along great and have no regrets at all.
She asked me if I wanted to have kids, and I said yes I can imagine having a child with her. I really like her but now feel under pressure to decide one way or the other.
I suppose I am asking, how does one such a massive decision?
I think she would be a great mother. I suggested we could possibly do it in a year or so. But she asked if I'd be interested in starting now. Or if not now, she would like to know if I am definitely on board within a year or so. This sounds more pushy in my clumsy prose, than it actually was. But this is the drift. So now I feel under pressure to decide. Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
My head is very numb and confused. Part of me 'suspects' it would be life changing and amazing. As someone else put it, there are "moments when some part of me wonders whether I am not only missing the biological boat but something I cannot even begin to imagine — an entire dimension of human experience undetectable to my senses, like a flatlander scoffing at the theoretical concept of sky."But othertimes, I wonder if I am just following the crowd, as many of my peers are having kids.
One of the problems I'm having is that I sometimes imagine a horrible thing, that if I was being brutally honest, I have the luxury of time, and also (and I don't like myself for thinking this) that in ideal world, I might start a family with someone slightly younger. We are great match personality wise. But I'd lying if the thought had not crossed my mind. But maybe this biological urge for youth is as outdated as an appetite for fat, something once useful , but today, best to ignore in the light of modern day science.
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
I am 33, she is 32.
We have been together only about 3 months, we moved in together after 6 weeks because we were so sure we were a good fit. I still think we get along great and have no regrets at all.
She asked me if I wanted to have kids, and I said yes I can imagine having a child with her. I really like her but now feel under pressure to decide one way or the other.
I suppose I am asking, how does one such a massive decision?
I think she would be a great mother. I suggested we could possibly do it in a year or so. But she asked if I'd be interested in starting now. Or if not now, she would like to know if I am definitely on board within a year or so. This sounds more pushy in my clumsy prose, than it actually was. But this is the drift. So now I feel under pressure to decide. Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
My head is very numb and confused. Part of me 'suspects' it would be life changing and amazing. As someone else put it, there are "moments when some part of me wonders whether I am not only missing the biological boat but something I cannot even begin to imagine — an entire dimension of human experience undetectable to my senses, like a flatlander scoffing at the theoretical concept of sky."But othertimes, I wonder if I am just following the crowd, as many of my peers are having kids.
One of the problems I'm having is that I sometimes imagine a horrible thing, that if I was being brutally honest, I have the luxury of time, and also (and I don't like myself for thinking this) that in ideal world, I might start a family with someone slightly younger. We are great match personality wise. But I'd lying if the thought had not crossed my mind. But maybe this biological urge for youth is as outdated as an appetite for fat, something once useful , but today, best to ignore in the light of modern day science.
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
We have been together only about 3 months, we moved in together after 6 weeks because we were so sure we were a good fit.
Do not start a family now.
I might start a family with someone slightly younger.
Why, as compared to your current partner?
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
For...having a baby? I mean, there's this? But other than that, I think you actually have to talk with your partner.
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:09 AM on April 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
Do not start a family now.
I might start a family with someone slightly younger.
Why, as compared to your current partner?
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
For...having a baby? I mean, there's this? But other than that, I think you actually have to talk with your partner.
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:09 AM on April 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
You two haven't been together long enough. Having a child is serious and permanent, and should ideally be done in a relationship that for all practical purposes WILL be permanent.
For one thing, you need to be DARN sure she isn't just seeing you as a sperm donor.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:11 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
For one thing, you need to be DARN sure she isn't just seeing you as a sperm donor.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:11 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
90 days is too soon to decide that you want children together. It is especially worrisome that you already feel pressured on the issue.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:12 AM on April 19, 2013 [23 favorites]
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:12 AM on April 19, 2013 [23 favorites]
You've been together 3 months... that is a breath of air in your life. It sounds like she feels her biological clock is ticking, but don't let that pressure you into a life-changing decision. If she must have kids now, she deserves to know if you're a partner who will do that with her or not -- but at the same time, it doesn't need to be now now now.
It sounds like you're not opposed to the idea, but 3 months is really soon into a relationship. Maybe find out why she wants to have kids so badly RIGHT now?
And are you the kind of person who wants to get married before having kids? Do you want to marry her? Has the thought even crossed your mind? Take some time to sort that out.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:13 AM on April 19, 2013
It sounds like you're not opposed to the idea, but 3 months is really soon into a relationship. Maybe find out why she wants to have kids so badly RIGHT now?
And are you the kind of person who wants to get married before having kids? Do you want to marry her? Has the thought even crossed your mind? Take some time to sort that out.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:13 AM on April 19, 2013
Or if not now, she would like to know if I am definitely on board within a year or so.
Well, that seems reasonable. A year and three months is much, much longer than three months. By then, you're likely to have a much clearer picture of your future together. Don't decide this now, decide this then.
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
No, in fact, there is a lot of point in waiting the year. That is what you should do.
posted by escabeche at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
Well, that seems reasonable. A year and three months is much, much longer than three months. By then, you're likely to have a much clearer picture of your future together. Don't decide this now, decide this then.
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
No, in fact, there is a lot of point in waiting the year. That is what you should do.
posted by escabeche at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
Please don't start trying to have a child until you are sure you want a child. Children deserve to be wanted.
posted by headnsouth at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
Or if not now, she would like to know if I am definitely on board within a year or so.
Make sure you both understand what the other person means by "on board within a year or so." Does that mean "We'll talk about it in April 2014 and not before then," or does it mean "We'll continue to talk about this and have unprotected sex, and if I'm not pregnant before April 2014, we're going to a fertility clinic"?
Oh, and per the answers above, don't have a baby if you've been with a person less than the gestation period of that baby.
posted by Etrigan at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [34 favorites]
Make sure you both understand what the other person means by "on board within a year or so." Does that mean "We'll talk about it in April 2014 and not before then," or does it mean "We'll continue to talk about this and have unprotected sex, and if I'm not pregnant before April 2014, we're going to a fertility clinic"?
Oh, and per the answers above, don't have a baby if you've been with a person less than the gestation period of that baby.
posted by Etrigan at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [34 favorites]
We have been together only about 3 months
This is shorter than the "probationary period" at most employers. This is shorter than a hockey season. Do not make a baby with this person now. You do not know this person. You can begin to think about a baby when you have decided that this will be a permanent relationship.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [14 favorites]
This is shorter than the "probationary period" at most employers. This is shorter than a hockey season. Do not make a baby with this person now. You do not know this person. You can begin to think about a baby when you have decided that this will be a permanent relationship.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [14 favorites]
It is not often that I am in full agreement with St. Alia of the Bunnies. In this case, I would have written what she did, to the letter.
posted by adamrice at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 10:15 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
The point of waiting for a year is so that you two have a whole year to decide whether you want to remain together for the rest of your lives. There's just a lot of stuff that's not going to come up in the first 3 months of a relationship that'll tell you things about whether you have long term compatibility. You haven't even had to decide whose parents to visit at Thanksgiving yet, fercrissakes.
At 32, her biological clock may be ticking loudly, but it's not ticking so loudly that you should rush into a lifelong commitment. If she can have a baby now, she'll still be able to have one a year from now.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:16 AM on April 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
At 32, her biological clock may be ticking loudly, but it's not ticking so loudly that you should rush into a lifelong commitment. If she can have a baby now, she'll still be able to have one a year from now.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:16 AM on April 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
If you think you might be open to having kids in a year with this partner, ask if you revisit the discussion in six months (maybe you'd feel ready then and pregnancy is long, after all, even if you get pregnant right away). If you think you might want to have kids with "someone younger" and that desire would keep you from moving forward with this partner, you should not be in this relationship.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're together 3 months and you're ambivalent?
Don't have kids.
posted by xingcat at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Don't have kids.
posted by xingcat at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Yes! Have a baby.
No! Don't have a baby.
No online survey is going to make the choice for you. I don't know, man, give yourself a little time and figure out what's in your heart.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013
No! Don't have a baby.
No online survey is going to make the choice for you. I don't know, man, give yourself a little time and figure out what's in your heart.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2013
If you google around the cost of raising a child in the United States to 18/12th grade (i.e. not counting college), you're not going to see a figure under $200,000. To reduce this to very simple terms, I can't think of any $200,000+ commitment I'd sign up for after three months of sorta-considering it. Can you?
posted by griphus at 10:20 AM on April 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by griphus at 10:20 AM on April 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
She's not crazy to want to know if you're willing to consider having children with her. If the answer is 'no', she may leave. Perfectly rational for a woman in her 30s who wants to have children someday.
But it IS a little crazy to want to actually start trying right now. You need to not only "test each other out" for longer, you just need to BE TOGETHER longer. Enjoy the childless time! Set a solid foundation for your future family.
posted by kestrel251 at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
But it IS a little crazy to want to actually start trying right now. You need to not only "test each other out" for longer, you just need to BE TOGETHER longer. Enjoy the childless time! Set a solid foundation for your future family.
posted by kestrel251 at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
I would worry about my partner's mental health if he wanted to have a baby so soon after meeting. On the other hand, it's perfectly acceptable for her to ask if you want kids sometime in the next few years.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by parakeetdog at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Do you really want to have a baby with someone who pushes you into making huge, life changing decisions, quickly?
Take some time. If you aren't moving fast enough for her, then let her find someone who will obey her every command. You will be ready when you are ready.
As far as the age thing- youth does not guarantee fertility. I am 40, with 3 kids, and I could easily have several more babies. Genetically speaking, I am a good breeder. I look 10 years younger than I am and I have a tiny, trim body, just like my mom. Do look at her mother and family history if you want a truer picture of what you are getting into.
I do believe that marriages work out best between people with similar interests and values. My father is 15 years older than my mother. It was not easy being raised by them. They have very little in common. They are happy together but not much fun to be around.
Good luck to you.
posted by myselfasme at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Take some time. If you aren't moving fast enough for her, then let her find someone who will obey her every command. You will be ready when you are ready.
As far as the age thing- youth does not guarantee fertility. I am 40, with 3 kids, and I could easily have several more babies. Genetically speaking, I am a good breeder. I look 10 years younger than I am and I have a tiny, trim body, just like my mom. Do look at her mother and family history if you want a truer picture of what you are getting into.
I do believe that marriages work out best between people with similar interests and values. My father is 15 years older than my mother. It was not easy being raised by them. They have very little in common. They are happy together but not much fun to be around.
Good luck to you.
posted by myselfasme at 10:21 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
There is no way to figure if you are ready to have a kid. There is no magic 8 ball, there is no online test. No one can tell you this. You need to know this on your own.
What I can tell you is that I my opinion 3 months is no where NEAR long enough to be with someone to make this decision. You've known each other for a tiny amount of time. I think that is a crazy short time to know someone and to already be moved in together, but you know, at lesat that isn't FOREVER. You can always move out if the relationship falls apart. A kid is for life. If the relationship falls apart you are still forever tied to them and you forever have the responsibility for that child.
On top of this, having a kid is a big strain on relationships. The healthiest longest forever soul mate relationships take a big hit and sometimes fall apart because of the stress and work that comes with having a kid. Why would you put your three month relationship through that stress?!
Sweet Jesus, please shelve this for a bit.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:22 AM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
What I can tell you is that I my opinion 3 months is no where NEAR long enough to be with someone to make this decision. You've known each other for a tiny amount of time. I think that is a crazy short time to know someone and to already be moved in together, but you know, at lesat that isn't FOREVER. You can always move out if the relationship falls apart. A kid is for life. If the relationship falls apart you are still forever tied to them and you forever have the responsibility for that child.
On top of this, having a kid is a big strain on relationships. The healthiest longest forever soul mate relationships take a big hit and sometimes fall apart because of the stress and work that comes with having a kid. Why would you put your three month relationship through that stress?!
Sweet Jesus, please shelve this for a bit.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:22 AM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Does it even need to said again? This is way too fast to make this decision unless you desperately want to be with her forever, make babies with her, raise them together, live your whole life with her etc. And if you did feel that way, you wouldn't be asking for the Internet's opinion.
You are still getting to know her. Tell her it is too fast to make such a huge commitment and that you really can't be pressured this way. Agree to revisit in 6 months.
She may leave you to find someone who is on her timeline. That is her prerogative.
And if you suspect you don't actually ever want to have a kid with her - or not in the next year or two - then tell her now, because she deserves to have all the information available.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:27 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are still getting to know her. Tell her it is too fast to make such a huge commitment and that you really can't be pressured this way. Agree to revisit in 6 months.
She may leave you to find someone who is on her timeline. That is her prerogative.
And if you suspect you don't actually ever want to have a kid with her - or not in the next year or two - then tell her now, because she deserves to have all the information available.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:27 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't flush condoms, that will be an unpleasant visit from the plumber.
Nthing don't have a kid with this person right now. Do talk it out and try to figure out what her underlying concern is.
posted by momus_window at 10:30 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nthing don't have a kid with this person right now. Do talk it out and try to figure out what her underlying concern is.
posted by momus_window at 10:30 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Her saying, "I want to have kids, and if you don't I'll need to look elsewhere," is not totally unreasonable.
And saying, "I'd like to have children, but I want to make sure it's with the right person, and so I think we should wait a little while, and if nothing has gone wrong, we can have kids in a year," is a perfectly reasonable response.
But the thing is, you're not just trying to make sure the relationship is the right one for children. You're not really sure you want children anyway. You will never really know for sure that you want children until you've got them. This is normal. Having children is a leap of faith.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 10:31 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
And saying, "I'd like to have children, but I want to make sure it's with the right person, and so I think we should wait a little while, and if nothing has gone wrong, we can have kids in a year," is a perfectly reasonable response.
But the thing is, you're not just trying to make sure the relationship is the right one for children. You're not really sure you want children anyway. You will never really know for sure that you want children until you've got them. This is normal. Having children is a leap of faith.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 10:31 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you are not stone cold positive that you want to be morally and legally responsible for the care and upbringing of another human being for 18 years, do not attempt to conceive now. This must be a personal decision. Do not allow yourself to be coerced into it. It's one of the the toughest jobs in the world, despite being the most common. If you want it, if you really, really want it, and you are prepared to set two decades aside to make a brand new person (or two) part of your life, then go ahead.
Otherwise, no.
And if your partner wants to railroad rush you into it despite your misgivings, then you are not compatible. Full stop.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:33 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Otherwise, no.
And if your partner wants to railroad rush you into it despite your misgivings, then you are not compatible. Full stop.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:33 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
What? This is crazy circular thinking. You can't make decisions about the future based on the possibility that you're going to make that decision in the future. No wonder you're confused and numb. This is a sneaky argument that sounds like it makes sense but actually makes none. She's being super unfair here.
You haven't decided yes yet, so there IS a point in waiting the year. You need to wait a year because that's the amount of time you need to gather information to make this decision. Is she a good partner? Does she want to be married first? Can you afford to get married in the way that you both want to be married? Do the two of you fight well together? Do you live well together--that is, can you share burdens equitably, without resentment? Is she going to stay at home to care for the child in the early years? If so, are you ready and willing to be the sole breadwinner? Are you willing to be the stay at home parent? Can you support a child on your incomes? Are there life goals you have that you might have to pass up in order to provide for your child? Do you like her family? Does she like yours? They will most likely want to be involved in your lives if you have kids together.
The fact that you want more time and perhaps a younger partner who would give you that time is a red herring. Do not have a baby with this woman out of a misplaced sense of guilt that she's being wronged by society for being "older" and still childless. She's still pretty damn young. She's panicking now but the big difference between 32 and 33 is not the quality of her eggs, but the ability to have a partner who is fully on board with raising a child with her. I think she needs to take that seriously. You can set a deadline--if in another six months, you still don't know--the two of you will break up and she can start over.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:33 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
What? This is crazy circular thinking. You can't make decisions about the future based on the possibility that you're going to make that decision in the future. No wonder you're confused and numb. This is a sneaky argument that sounds like it makes sense but actually makes none. She's being super unfair here.
You haven't decided yes yet, so there IS a point in waiting the year. You need to wait a year because that's the amount of time you need to gather information to make this decision. Is she a good partner? Does she want to be married first? Can you afford to get married in the way that you both want to be married? Do the two of you fight well together? Do you live well together--that is, can you share burdens equitably, without resentment? Is she going to stay at home to care for the child in the early years? If so, are you ready and willing to be the sole breadwinner? Are you willing to be the stay at home parent? Can you support a child on your incomes? Are there life goals you have that you might have to pass up in order to provide for your child? Do you like her family? Does she like yours? They will most likely want to be involved in your lives if you have kids together.
The fact that you want more time and perhaps a younger partner who would give you that time is a red herring. Do not have a baby with this woman out of a misplaced sense of guilt that she's being wronged by society for being "older" and still childless. She's still pretty damn young. She's panicking now but the big difference between 32 and 33 is not the quality of her eggs, but the ability to have a partner who is fully on board with raising a child with her. I think she needs to take that seriously. You can set a deadline--if in another six months, you still don't know--the two of you will break up and she can start over.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:33 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
Emotional blackmail of the variety your partner is pulling is shitty and does not bode well for a long-term relationship, much less one involving kids.
Run.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:34 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
Run.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:34 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
I have the luxury of time
You really don't. Just because you can father a child in a few years doesn't mean you aren't hurting its probability of being a healthy child. The science on this seems to get more clear-cut with each passing month.
Not saying you should have a kid in the situation you're in right now, because wow, three months, no, but your genetic material isn't getting any younger either. Grow a sense of urgency and get real if you think being a father to a healthy baby is something you might want. Your sperm isn't going to be the huge prize to some hypothetical younger woman several years down the line that you seem to think it will be and your assumption that you can and should just ditch your current girlfriend for a younger model who you seem to think will be more fit to breed is pretty creepy and retrograde.
posted by town of cats at 10:34 AM on April 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
You really don't. Just because you can father a child in a few years doesn't mean you aren't hurting its probability of being a healthy child. The science on this seems to get more clear-cut with each passing month.
Not saying you should have a kid in the situation you're in right now, because wow, three months, no, but your genetic material isn't getting any younger either. Grow a sense of urgency and get real if you think being a father to a healthy baby is something you might want. Your sperm isn't going to be the huge prize to some hypothetical younger woman several years down the line that you seem to think it will be and your assumption that you can and should just ditch your current girlfriend for a younger model who you seem to think will be more fit to breed is pretty creepy and retrograde.
posted by town of cats at 10:34 AM on April 19, 2013 [35 favorites]
Are you serious? Dating 3 months, and you're already fantasizing about trading her in for a younger model?
Shit, man, don't even DATE this woman anymore, much less impregnate her. Or ANYONE. Move on. Wrap it up, like twice.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:37 AM on April 19, 2013 [60 favorites]
Shit, man, don't even DATE this woman anymore, much less impregnate her. Or ANYONE. Move on. Wrap it up, like twice.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:37 AM on April 19, 2013 [60 favorites]
I want to add that wanting to have a child with someone younger than your already-younger-than-you partner doesn't speak brilliantly well of you, but it's enough that you recognize the impulse for what it is. Don't let a desire to not feel shallow drive you to making a bad decision. This woman might not be the right woman even if she were 26 instead of 32, and she isn't magically the right woman just because pretending she is lets you off the hook for being a cliche.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:38 AM on April 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 10:38 AM on April 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also: Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
My fiancee and I are going to get married and have kids. Does the fact that this is, well, a fact mean we're going to get hitched tomorrow and start trying for kids tonight? Absolutely not, because that doesn't make a lick of sense for us.
Knowing you want something in the immediate future and spending your time getting your ducks in a line to make sure that something (especially when it is a helpless, new human being) arrives into the best possible context are not at all mutually exclusive.
posted by griphus at 10:40 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
My fiancee and I are going to get married and have kids. Does the fact that this is, well, a fact mean we're going to get hitched tomorrow and start trying for kids tonight? Absolutely not, because that doesn't make a lick of sense for us.
Knowing you want something in the immediate future and spending your time getting your ducks in a line to make sure that something (especially when it is a helpless, new human being) arrives into the best possible context are not at all mutually exclusive.
posted by griphus at 10:40 AM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
You haven't known this person long enough to buy a sofa together, let alone decide if you want to have a baby with her.
Be in a long term relationship with her. Not months, but perhaps a year or so. Discuss everything about bringing children into the world. How many would you like? Will you both work or will someone stay home with them until they're school aged? How will you fund a home, college, day care, etc?
The fact that you don't feel comfortable discussing this with her adult-to-adult leads me to believe that there are some serious communications issues between you.
I'm also concerned that you're concentrating on youth. 32 isn't old, it's a perfectly excellent age to start a family, you know who you are, you're established in your career and you have your financial ducks in a row.
If you aren't mesmerized by the thought of loving this woman for the rest or your life, if you aren't dazzled by the idea of having children with the love of your life, if the thought of her leaving doesn't fill you with dread, then DON'T have a baby with her.
Unless you can commit to her 100%, having children with her will be the biggest regret of your life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:41 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Be in a long term relationship with her. Not months, but perhaps a year or so. Discuss everything about bringing children into the world. How many would you like? Will you both work or will someone stay home with them until they're school aged? How will you fund a home, college, day care, etc?
The fact that you don't feel comfortable discussing this with her adult-to-adult leads me to believe that there are some serious communications issues between you.
I'm also concerned that you're concentrating on youth. 32 isn't old, it's a perfectly excellent age to start a family, you know who you are, you're established in your career and you have your financial ducks in a row.
If you aren't mesmerized by the thought of loving this woman for the rest or your life, if you aren't dazzled by the idea of having children with the love of your life, if the thought of her leaving doesn't fill you with dread, then DON'T have a baby with her.
Unless you can commit to her 100%, having children with her will be the biggest regret of your life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:41 AM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
For everyone saying three months isn't enough time, sure, most of the time it's not. Some people get married after two weeks and live happily ever after, though. Life is weird.
I wouldn't do this, but I'm not you.
Roxette said it best: Listen to your heart.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:41 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't do this, but I'm not you.
Roxette said it best: Listen to your heart.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 10:41 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think the length of time you've been together is relevent. If you were saying you we're in love with her, you really wanted to have children with her, you just wanted to wait for practical reasons and she didn't - in that case I think it's a different question, regardless of how long you were together. But you don't really know if you want a baby with her, let alone a baby right now.
You are ambivalent about whether you would like to have children with her or someone younger. I don't think that's something you need to rationalise. If that's what you feel, that's what you feel. But while you want some time to figure that out - also ok - she wants this now. And if you're not sure I think you are wasting her time. It's no judgement on her, but for whatever reason she's ready right now for a baby, and it's no judgement on you that you just happen to be the guy she's with. If it was just about having your baby, why would she mind waiting a year?
You're both in a completely different place about this, and I don't think creating a new person should be a compromise. I actually am of the opinion that you should think about ending this and letting her find someone who is ready to be a dad now, and finding someone for yourself who you're passionate about. You "get on great" with her. I get on great with co-workers. I don't want babies with them.
posted by billiebee at 10:42 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are ambivalent about whether you would like to have children with her or someone younger. I don't think that's something you need to rationalise. If that's what you feel, that's what you feel. But while you want some time to figure that out - also ok - she wants this now. And if you're not sure I think you are wasting her time. It's no judgement on her, but for whatever reason she's ready right now for a baby, and it's no judgement on you that you just happen to be the guy she's with. If it was just about having your baby, why would she mind waiting a year?
You're both in a completely different place about this, and I don't think creating a new person should be a compromise. I actually am of the opinion that you should think about ending this and letting her find someone who is ready to be a dad now, and finding someone for yourself who you're passionate about. You "get on great" with her. I get on great with co-workers. I don't want babies with them.
posted by billiebee at 10:42 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I suppose I am asking, how does one such a massive decision?
Generally speaking, having a child is not about making a firm decision per se. While many people give it careful consideration if they are so situated, there are as many who find themselves in a position of parenthood, sometimes multiple times, without an explicit decision made with a clear "start" and "finish" line.
You're not deciding to giving two weeks notice as a childless person and taking a new "parenting" job with a 9 month training period... rather it's a consequence of a natural progression in a relationship combined with luck (or lack thereof, depending on what your perception is), and biology. Now, that progression can be one night, 3 months, 2 years or 20 years, it happens when it does.
This "natural progression" is so incredibly subjective, that no amount of discussion can provide a solution to you. There is no quick and easy answer to the "should I?" baby question. Pro and Con lists don't work for anything other than financials, because as of now, you can only apply your experiences as a childless person which just don't apply to this, and subjective opinions you can form by talking to other parents which just as likely will as will not represent your actual opinion of parenthood.
No amount of anecdotes can prepare you for the joys and tribulations of parenthood. It's a plunge. Not a decision. But you need to ask yourself (and honestly answer yourself) if you trust how deep the pool is and whether you really want to go swimming.
The objective, spectator thing is to say "No. 3 months is too soon." But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to consider all options, both rational and wild, and maintain your personal truth, and your answer lies exactly there.
(I say the above as a someone who married my wife in the first six months of knowing her, and now a parent myself. We've talked about having a second child, and frankly, it's still a decision I don't want to make. I am, however, more than comfortable with giving up on not trying to have another child.)
posted by Debaser626 at 10:42 AM on April 19, 2013
Generally speaking, having a child is not about making a firm decision per se. While many people give it careful consideration if they are so situated, there are as many who find themselves in a position of parenthood, sometimes multiple times, without an explicit decision made with a clear "start" and "finish" line.
You're not deciding to giving two weeks notice as a childless person and taking a new "parenting" job with a 9 month training period... rather it's a consequence of a natural progression in a relationship combined with luck (or lack thereof, depending on what your perception is), and biology. Now, that progression can be one night, 3 months, 2 years or 20 years, it happens when it does.
This "natural progression" is so incredibly subjective, that no amount of discussion can provide a solution to you. There is no quick and easy answer to the "should I?" baby question. Pro and Con lists don't work for anything other than financials, because as of now, you can only apply your experiences as a childless person which just don't apply to this, and subjective opinions you can form by talking to other parents which just as likely will as will not represent your actual opinion of parenthood.
No amount of anecdotes can prepare you for the joys and tribulations of parenthood. It's a plunge. Not a decision. But you need to ask yourself (and honestly answer yourself) if you trust how deep the pool is and whether you really want to go swimming.
The objective, spectator thing is to say "No. 3 months is too soon." But be honest with yourself, allow yourself to consider all options, both rational and wild, and maintain your personal truth, and your answer lies exactly there.
(I say the above as a someone who married my wife in the first six months of knowing her, and now a parent myself. We've talked about having a second child, and frankly, it's still a decision I don't want to make. I am, however, more than comfortable with giving up on not trying to have another child.)
posted by Debaser626 at 10:42 AM on April 19, 2013
I think you should be grateful the giant red flags were waved three months in and GTFO. This woman doesn't want a family with you; this woman wants a baby, full stop. And your feelings and your life are secondary considerations to her.
posted by kmennie at 10:43 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 10:43 AM on April 19, 2013 [18 favorites]
Are you serious? Dating 3 months, and you're already fantasizing about trading her in for a younger model?
I don't think the OP is a bad person for thinking about this in a purely escapist-fantasy kind of way. It would be unfair and creepy if he was actively looking for a younger woman or denying his deep desire to date a younger woman, but this doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds like he's retreating to this thought because she's putting a lot of pressure on him to make a decision he's not ready to make.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:46 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think the OP is a bad person for thinking about this in a purely escapist-fantasy kind of way. It would be unfair and creepy if he was actively looking for a younger woman or denying his deep desire to date a younger woman, but this doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds like he's retreating to this thought because she's putting a lot of pressure on him to make a decision he's not ready to make.
posted by rhythm and booze at 10:46 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Obviously I don't know you and/or your partner, and I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but if I can offer this one piece of advice here it would be this:
If you're going to stay in the relationship for the time being and continue to have sex: use birth control every time, and make sure it's your own. Do not rely on her methods, if she's using any at all.
I'm not saying this to sow seeds of doubt in your relationship or forge any mistrust but until you're sure you're both on the same page about having children...avoid any kind of conception happening at all. It could be accidental, it could be something less than accidental. Given what you've said about your partner's feeling about having kids soon, I just get an uneasy feeling reading all of this...
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:54 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
If you're going to stay in the relationship for the time being and continue to have sex: use birth control every time, and make sure it's your own. Do not rely on her methods, if she's using any at all.
I'm not saying this to sow seeds of doubt in your relationship or forge any mistrust but until you're sure you're both on the same page about having children...avoid any kind of conception happening at all. It could be accidental, it could be something less than accidental. Given what you've said about your partner's feeling about having kids soon, I just get an uneasy feeling reading all of this...
posted by JoeZydeco at 10:54 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
Seems rushed. You had better decide quick, so she can get on with the process of having a baby.
If you don't want a baby, you had best break up.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:07 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you don't want a baby, you had best break up.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:07 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's great that you and her are having a discussion about something so important. It's not great she plans on interpreting any possible "Yes, I think I'd want a baby at some point" as "Let's make baby now." Clearly, if you are leaning towards never wanting a kid, you should tell her and let her move on. But there is no reason for you to have to start trying know if you think you want one but maybe not for a few more years. Perhaps consider going to a couples counselor to talk out the issue. Don't think a counselor is just for bad relationships - they are very useful for keeping discussions productive and it's nice to have a set start/end time for big talks.
Or schedule an awesome vacation that would be totally unreasonable with a kid. Have an adventure you couldn't safely have (or enjoy) with an infant or toddler and spend extra money you won't have with a wee one. Agree to talk about when you might be interested in starting a family after. She may be more inclined to see the benefits of waiting after a nice snorkeling trip in an exotic locale.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:11 AM on April 19, 2013
Or schedule an awesome vacation that would be totally unreasonable with a kid. Have an adventure you couldn't safely have (or enjoy) with an infant or toddler and spend extra money you won't have with a wee one. Agree to talk about when you might be interested in starting a family after. She may be more inclined to see the benefits of waiting after a nice snorkeling trip in an exotic locale.
posted by adorap0621 at 11:11 AM on April 19, 2013
3 months? Oh my. Way too soon to make any kind of decision. I've had flings that lasted longer than three months. You should give some thought as to why you are fast-forwarding each other.
Anyway, if for no other reason, you should wait on getting her pregnant because pregnancy and raising children is the most stressful thing you can do to a relationship. You deserve to enjoy each other (and get to know each other better) without the stress of pregnancy. If my husband and I were still in the first-year, getting-to-know-you stage of our relationship while I was pregnant, we wouldn't be together now. I had a pretty boring pregnancy but I really had my stressed moments. If he didn't know me better, he would have thought that those crazy moments were just how I am.
posted by stowaway at 11:25 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Anyway, if for no other reason, you should wait on getting her pregnant because pregnancy and raising children is the most stressful thing you can do to a relationship. You deserve to enjoy each other (and get to know each other better) without the stress of pregnancy. If my husband and I were still in the first-year, getting-to-know-you stage of our relationship while I was pregnant, we wouldn't be together now. I had a pretty boring pregnancy but I really had my stressed moments. If he didn't know me better, he would have thought that those crazy moments were just how I am.
posted by stowaway at 11:25 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Are you sure she's not pregnant already, and trying to decide what the next step is?
I ask because her request is so far out of left field. For the love of god, do not have a baby three months in. This is how family lawyers make their money, and it's not pretty.
posted by freshwater at 11:52 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
I ask because her request is so far out of left field. For the love of god, do not have a baby three months in. This is how family lawyers make their money, and it's not pretty.
posted by freshwater at 11:52 AM on April 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
It makes sense to me that you're thinking about starting a family with someone younger. It's because you're not ready yet, and being with a woman younger than your current girlfriend would give *both* of you time to figure it all out. You need to be sure that you want this person as a life partner, before you even think about kids. If you can't picture yourself sitting on the porch with her when you're both in your sixties, don't be having kids with her now.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:52 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:52 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've got no problem with people deciding to move in together with someone they've known for a few weeks, or getting married after a few months. If it turns out to have been a bad choice, you can always hit the RESET button on that one.
But you can't undo the choice to have a kid if it turns out you've rushed into it in haste.
"some part of me wonders whether I am not only missing the biological boat but something I cannot even begin to imagine — an entire dimension of human experience undetectable to my senses, like a flatlander scoffing at the theoretical concept of sky"
There's no reason either of those boats needs to sail out to sea in the next year or two. You won't be missing anything by taking things a little slower.
posted by drlith at 11:55 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
But you can't undo the choice to have a kid if it turns out you've rushed into it in haste.
"some part of me wonders whether I am not only missing the biological boat but something I cannot even begin to imagine — an entire dimension of human experience undetectable to my senses, like a flatlander scoffing at the theoretical concept of sky"
There's no reason either of those boats needs to sail out to sea in the next year or two. You won't be missing anything by taking things a little slower.
posted by drlith at 11:55 AM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Rule1] Don't make a decision that will affect you for AT LEAST the next eighteen years based on a 3 month relationship.
Rule 2] Don't have a child you don't 100% want.
SUM: Don't have a child.
posted by Solomon at 12:05 PM on April 19, 2013
Rule 2] Don't have a child you don't 100% want.
SUM: Don't have a child.
posted by Solomon at 12:05 PM on April 19, 2013
We have been together only about 3 months
I didn't really make it past this phrase. No. God no. A baby is permanent, forever and ever and ever and you just don't know this person well enough to saddle another human being with yourselves as parents.
Give it some time.
posted by mibo at 12:05 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I didn't really make it past this phrase. No. God no. A baby is permanent, forever and ever and ever and you just don't know this person well enough to saddle another human being with yourselves as parents.
Give it some time.
posted by mibo at 12:05 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
I would break up with someone who seriously tried to shove this kind of logic in my face. My response would pretty much be along the lines of "if you're going to force me to make my consideration of a decision at a later date a decision now, then the answer is definitely no".
I honestly think in a year you wouldn't regret breaking up with someone who was trying to use this kind of bullshit circular logic mind game crap with you.
posted by emptythought at 12:11 PM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would break up with someone who seriously tried to shove this kind of logic in my face. My response would pretty much be along the lines of "if you're going to force me to make my consideration of a decision at a later date a decision now, then the answer is definitely no".
I honestly think in a year you wouldn't regret breaking up with someone who was trying to use this kind of bullshit circular logic mind game crap with you.
posted by emptythought at 12:11 PM on April 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
It is perfectly reasonable, IMHO, for her to ask you if you want to have kids (and to break up with you if the answer is "no"). It's perfectly reasonable to ask that after three months. It's not reasonable, IMHO, to start the process after three months.
The first few months of almost every relationship are great. You are seeing someone new. The sex is fun and new and exciting. Everything is just... did I mention the sex? Sex can keep terrible relationships going for six months at least (at which point you write an AskMeFi whether you should break up and we say that you should). So, no major, life-changing decisions for you until you've been together at least six months.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:27 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
The first few months of almost every relationship are great. You are seeing someone new. The sex is fun and new and exciting. Everything is just... did I mention the sex? Sex can keep terrible relationships going for six months at least (at which point you write an AskMeFi whether you should break up and we say that you should). So, no major, life-changing decisions for you until you've been together at least six months.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:27 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's odd that you haven't really thought about parenthood seriously before now, and grappled with whether raising a family is something you want to do. If it is something you really want, it's the best thing ever. A lot of people don't want it at all though.
Getting pressured into starting a family that you don't really want is utterly insane.
Seriously considering starting a family with someone you've only known 3 months is still pretty darn nutty. Marrying or having a baby with someone who is a bad match for you will really, really fuck up your life.
IMO you should know someone at least a year before you decide to marry them (or have a baby with them).
Getting pressure about having a baby 3 months into a relationship is a vigorously waving yellow flag about your current partner. It does not indicate the kind of responsible and sound judgement I'd want from the mother of my children. You should at least be uneasy about this.
I agree with the other person that you should be really careful about birth control, and, sorry, not trust your partner if she says it's taken care of.
posted by mattu at 12:28 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Getting pressured into starting a family that you don't really want is utterly insane.
Seriously considering starting a family with someone you've only known 3 months is still pretty darn nutty. Marrying or having a baby with someone who is a bad match for you will really, really fuck up your life.
IMO you should know someone at least a year before you decide to marry them (or have a baby with them).
Getting pressure about having a baby 3 months into a relationship is a vigorously waving yellow flag about your current partner. It does not indicate the kind of responsible and sound judgement I'd want from the mother of my children. You should at least be uneasy about this.
I agree with the other person that you should be really careful about birth control, and, sorry, not trust your partner if she says it's taken care of.
posted by mattu at 12:28 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I got pregnant (by accident) about 5 months into my relationship, and decided to keep the baby. While I don't regret keeping the child per se, it was absolutely terrible timing. I frankly agree that YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON WELL ENOUGH YET. Also, you have no idea how her pregnancy will go - mine were like a chronic illness; I was miserable, I could barely function, I had zero energy for doing any fun activities and I was not myself AT ALL. If I had been with someone I had years of trust and experience with who knew me well enough to understand that this was not "normal" for me, and to work with me in a supportive way, things would have been a million times different. As it is, I am still grieving the fact that my pregnancy and the following year were absolutely the worst time of my entire life, and I missed out on the enjoyment of my daughter's infanthood because I was dealing with humongous issues and stresses related to her father. Just don't do it.
I think it's completley reasonable for her to want children and to want to be sure that you want them too (sometime in the future), but I also agree with all the previous comments that the "if it's ok in a year than we may as well do it now" is utterly crazypants logic and THAT would make me question this woman's maturity in itself.
posted by celtalitha at 12:33 PM on April 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
I think it's completley reasonable for her to want children and to want to be sure that you want them too (sometime in the future), but I also agree with all the previous comments that the "if it's ok in a year than we may as well do it now" is utterly crazypants logic and THAT would make me question this woman's maturity in itself.
posted by celtalitha at 12:33 PM on April 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
Unless you can commit to her 100%, having children with her will be the biggest regret of your life.
That, and you can definitely apply that to another relationship or: mortgage, marriage, large purchase, vacation, etc. If you are not fully committed to being a life partner to someone, please for the love of all that is great and beautiful DO NOT bring in another helpless human being into the world. Think of it this way, if things go south during this child's upbringing, who will get the blame? This breeds resentment, anger, and possibly a screwed-up little person that will become a screwed-up big person.
These are huge repercussions. I agree with upthread that fantasizing about a younger woman is more so the fact that the pressure would be off the table because of the biological clock ticking. However, if you're this ambivalent about children, it usually goes one of two ways.
1: You meet someone who you are absolutely in love with who makes you feel that only your love and bond can be further deepened by the joys of a person that is part of both of you. (still a commitment)
2: You meet someone who never wants to have children which cements your belief that you don't want children either and you become a happily childfree couple who can take extravagant vacations and always be in love.
Please let this woman go, you may get along well, but if the relationship is not important, then you are not important. Children should only ever be brought into a world where they will be 100% loved and cared for and never into an environment of emotional turmoil or discord.
But at this point, I don't believe you will truly be convinced either way unless she shows you her character. This is extremely important if you ever consider having kids in the future.
Tell her you are firm in your position of waiting one year to consider starting to try for a child, and that you do not feel comfortable discussing it even briefly for at least 6 months from that conversation. Take her on vacation as others suggested and see if she lightens up about the issue and becomes easygoing enough that you can get to know her better. Three months is entirely too short of a time to make this HUGE decision and commitment. Right now, she wants a baby. You are considering starting a family. Those are two completely different things. If she's going to strong arm you into the decision of making a child, who's to say you will even have any input in raising the child?
posted by lunastellasol at 12:45 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
That, and you can definitely apply that to another relationship or: mortgage, marriage, large purchase, vacation, etc. If you are not fully committed to being a life partner to someone, please for the love of all that is great and beautiful DO NOT bring in another helpless human being into the world. Think of it this way, if things go south during this child's upbringing, who will get the blame? This breeds resentment, anger, and possibly a screwed-up little person that will become a screwed-up big person.
These are huge repercussions. I agree with upthread that fantasizing about a younger woman is more so the fact that the pressure would be off the table because of the biological clock ticking. However, if you're this ambivalent about children, it usually goes one of two ways.
1: You meet someone who you are absolutely in love with who makes you feel that only your love and bond can be further deepened by the joys of a person that is part of both of you. (still a commitment)
2: You meet someone who never wants to have children which cements your belief that you don't want children either and you become a happily childfree couple who can take extravagant vacations and always be in love.
Please let this woman go, you may get along well, but if the relationship is not important, then you are not important. Children should only ever be brought into a world where they will be 100% loved and cared for and never into an environment of emotional turmoil or discord.
But at this point, I don't believe you will truly be convinced either way unless she shows you her character. This is extremely important if you ever consider having kids in the future.
Tell her you are firm in your position of waiting one year to consider starting to try for a child, and that you do not feel comfortable discussing it even briefly for at least 6 months from that conversation. Take her on vacation as others suggested and see if she lightens up about the issue and becomes easygoing enough that you can get to know her better. Three months is entirely too short of a time to make this HUGE decision and commitment. Right now, she wants a baby. You are considering starting a family. Those are two completely different things. If she's going to strong arm you into the decision of making a child, who's to say you will even have any input in raising the child?
posted by lunastellasol at 12:45 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Conceiving and having a baby are much different than RAISING a child.
You don't even know if you have the same parenting style. Have you talked about religion, if you want a boy or girl, will they go to preschool, will you have daycare, at what age do you think it's appropriate to get a cell phone, will they have to get a job to pay for clothes when they are 16, what will you do about dating???
True most of those seem way far off, but ask any parent, ten years passes in a blink of an eye. You need to make sure you are on the same page as far as all those things and 3 months isn't even enough time to know the person you are with right now.
Even if you think she will be a good mother, you still don't know if you are a good parent match. You really do need to think about things 16 years out because that tells about your parenting style and the boundaries you would set for your child, they don't stay a baby forever. It's pretty easy to parent a baby, you feed it, change it, nap it, burp it. But parenting a toddler or older is much more complicated.
This sounds more pushy in my clumsy prose, than it actually was.
No, it doesn't. She wants you to give her a baby now, you said you weren't sure, and threw out a time, she wants you to put on paper that you will have a baby in a year. This sounds exactly like being pushy.
You can take what I say with a grain of salt, as I will admit, I am never having children. HOWEVER, my husband and I know that we would make great parents. We know we aren't having children because we both realize the responsibility, stress, expenses, and issues that come along with having a child, and we want no part of it.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
You don't even know if you have the same parenting style. Have you talked about religion, if you want a boy or girl, will they go to preschool, will you have daycare, at what age do you think it's appropriate to get a cell phone, will they have to get a job to pay for clothes when they are 16, what will you do about dating???
True most of those seem way far off, but ask any parent, ten years passes in a blink of an eye. You need to make sure you are on the same page as far as all those things and 3 months isn't even enough time to know the person you are with right now.
Even if you think she will be a good mother, you still don't know if you are a good parent match. You really do need to think about things 16 years out because that tells about your parenting style and the boundaries you would set for your child, they don't stay a baby forever. It's pretty easy to parent a baby, you feed it, change it, nap it, burp it. But parenting a toddler or older is much more complicated.
This sounds more pushy in my clumsy prose, than it actually was.
No, it doesn't. She wants you to give her a baby now, you said you weren't sure, and threw out a time, she wants you to put on paper that you will have a baby in a year. This sounds exactly like being pushy.
You can take what I say with a grain of salt, as I will admit, I am never having children. HOWEVER, my husband and I know that we would make great parents. We know we aren't having children because we both realize the responsibility, stress, expenses, and issues that come along with having a child, and we want no part of it.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:56 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Have you known her any amount of time before you started dating? Because if not, she's basically still a stranger now; and even if you did, she's very likely to be on her best behavior. Sure, it might feel like you've looked into the depths of each others souls, but that's the hormones speaking. That shit wears off after a few months.
Stick to waiting a year, and have that awesome vacation. But make it something like backpacking through the wilderness of a third world country, because you'll want to know how you two work together if you feel lost, afraid, sleep deprived and dependent on each other.
If she throws a fit about waiting a year and thus being condemned to conceive at the ripe age of 33, take the hint and run.
posted by akrasia at 1:15 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Stick to waiting a year, and have that awesome vacation. But make it something like backpacking through the wilderness of a third world country, because you'll want to know how you two work together if you feel lost, afraid, sleep deprived and dependent on each other.
If she throws a fit about waiting a year and thus being condemned to conceive at the ripe age of 33, take the hint and run.
posted by akrasia at 1:15 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
no. do not have kids after 3 months of a relationship. honestly, that would be crazy and i have red flags going off over this woman suggesting that. if she can't wait a year then she is not thinking clearly how relationships and healthy families work, imo.
posted by wildflower at 1:20 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 1:20 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I often wondered about this myself – how do you know when you're ready? One can want children in the future, but how do you know when the moment arrives? When it's time to begin?
Not everyone has a choice, of course. For some people, it just happens. Either they did not use birth control, or they subconsciously wanted a family, or a lot of different iterations.
If you're like many of the single men I know, you react to the idea of a baby somewhere between a shrug and abject terror. The responsibility. The weight. Many people spend as much time as they can preventing pregnancy and offspring.
Then came an experience that has been quite formative. A friend of mine – who had known his partner nary over six months – called and was elated. "I'm pregnant!" he sang. He was so excited about it. He was literally over the moon. We went to the bar that night and he was a babbling brook. We talked about its gender, names, which sports teams a he would like, which sports teams a she would like.
He was an "inhabitant" of the bar, as we would say with kindness. Known for rowdiness. Never particularly concerned with things like health or the future. Smart fellow. Good job. Nice family. Party animal.
His partner had become the love of his life. All he talked about that night was the future. Knocking off the bad habits. Running. Marathons. Promotions. A nursery. He left the bar that night early. We stayed for a few hours, drinking in disbelief and cynicism (good friends we were). We were sure he had fallen into a deep hole, of which there was no way out, and simply failed to realise it.
He didn't go to the bar the next night. Or the night after. He became somewhat of a rarity. He lost weight. He got promoted. By the time his daughter arrived, he was literally a different human being. He was in night classes for a CPA. He invited us over for barbecues with the family. His wife was his best friend, and all the thought about was his role as a husband and father.
And (so far) they lived happily ever after.
Whenever I hear people discussing this subject – if they're ready for a baby – I think of my mate. When one is filled with supreme elation and purpose at the thought of starting a family, that is when one should start a family. It was so magical to see – and I've seen it quite a few times since, now that I know what to look for.
If you feel that way, then you should think about starting a family. If that is not how you feel, you may want to really think about where you are in life, and if having a child is the right choice for you.
posted by nickrussell at 1:24 PM on April 19, 2013 [33 favorites]
Not everyone has a choice, of course. For some people, it just happens. Either they did not use birth control, or they subconsciously wanted a family, or a lot of different iterations.
If you're like many of the single men I know, you react to the idea of a baby somewhere between a shrug and abject terror. The responsibility. The weight. Many people spend as much time as they can preventing pregnancy and offspring.
Then came an experience that has been quite formative. A friend of mine – who had known his partner nary over six months – called and was elated. "I'm pregnant!" he sang. He was so excited about it. He was literally over the moon. We went to the bar that night and he was a babbling brook. We talked about its gender, names, which sports teams a he would like, which sports teams a she would like.
He was an "inhabitant" of the bar, as we would say with kindness. Known for rowdiness. Never particularly concerned with things like health or the future. Smart fellow. Good job. Nice family. Party animal.
His partner had become the love of his life. All he talked about that night was the future. Knocking off the bad habits. Running. Marathons. Promotions. A nursery. He left the bar that night early. We stayed for a few hours, drinking in disbelief and cynicism (good friends we were). We were sure he had fallen into a deep hole, of which there was no way out, and simply failed to realise it.
He didn't go to the bar the next night. Or the night after. He became somewhat of a rarity. He lost weight. He got promoted. By the time his daughter arrived, he was literally a different human being. He was in night classes for a CPA. He invited us over for barbecues with the family. His wife was his best friend, and all the thought about was his role as a husband and father.
And (so far) they lived happily ever after.
Whenever I hear people discussing this subject – if they're ready for a baby – I think of my mate. When one is filled with supreme elation and purpose at the thought of starting a family, that is when one should start a family. It was so magical to see – and I've seen it quite a few times since, now that I know what to look for.
If you feel that way, then you should think about starting a family. If that is not how you feel, you may want to really think about where you are in life, and if having a child is the right choice for you.
posted by nickrussell at 1:24 PM on April 19, 2013 [33 favorites]
If you have the slightest doubt, then no. There's nothing worse for a kid to learn than how reluctant his/her father was.
Of course, if you want to marry her and are committed to making the marriage work, then that's a little better. But don't go impregnating her because you might think it's cool and it's no skin off your back since you wont be carrying that load for 9 months and she'll pick up the slack.
Also, if you have the kid, and the relationship doesn't work out, you'll have to carry the stigma of being a not even divorced dad. I'd never date a guy with a kid because even if there's no drama, I'd just rather meet someone who doesn't impregnate some woman after 3 months and get tied to her for the rest of his life. There's something really irresponsible about that.
posted by discopolo at 1:28 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Of course, if you want to marry her and are committed to making the marriage work, then that's a little better. But don't go impregnating her because you might think it's cool and it's no skin off your back since you wont be carrying that load for 9 months and she'll pick up the slack.
Also, if you have the kid, and the relationship doesn't work out, you'll have to carry the stigma of being a not even divorced dad. I'd never date a guy with a kid because even if there's no drama, I'd just rather meet someone who doesn't impregnate some woman after 3 months and get tied to her for the rest of his life. There's something really irresponsible about that.
posted by discopolo at 1:28 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This sounds more pushy in my clumsy prose, than it actually was.
Oh yes it was, and "pushy" is putting it lightly. Crazy is more like it.
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
This is ridiculous. It's one thing for a woman in her 30's to want the man she's dating to be generally on the same page and timeline as her in terms of having children. This is fair and reasonable. It's quite another for her to take your openness to the possibility of children with her as an absolute promise to give her a baby, and if baby in a year is doable then why not now? That's the kind of reasoning a child might apply when asking to receive their birthday present a couple of months early. It's not acceptable reasoning for a grown woman wanting to bring a new life into the world with a man she barely knows.
The fact that your girlfriend is treating a major life decision and commitment so trivially does not speak well of her judgment or mental stability. I would not want someone like that to be a parent and role model to my children, nor would I want to irrevocably tie myself to that person's whims for the next 18 years.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:41 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Oh yes it was, and "pushy" is putting it lightly. Crazy is more like it.
Her argument is that if I do decide yes, then there is not much point in waiting the year.
This is ridiculous. It's one thing for a woman in her 30's to want the man she's dating to be generally on the same page and timeline as her in terms of having children. This is fair and reasonable. It's quite another for her to take your openness to the possibility of children with her as an absolute promise to give her a baby, and if baby in a year is doable then why not now? That's the kind of reasoning a child might apply when asking to receive their birthday present a couple of months early. It's not acceptable reasoning for a grown woman wanting to bring a new life into the world with a man she barely knows.
The fact that your girlfriend is treating a major life decision and commitment so trivially does not speak well of her judgment or mental stability. I would not want someone like that to be a parent and role model to my children, nor would I want to irrevocably tie myself to that person's whims for the next 18 years.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:41 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Once you bring a child into the world, the needs of that child will supersede your own for a very long time. Not just ethically for you to be a good parent, but legally, in terms of you being on the hook for that child's needs. The law doesn't care if you regret your decision; you made a kid, now it's your responsibility.
Are you set to commit to 18 years of financial and emotional support (at a minimum but let's be honest, it's more like 22). Are you set to spend at least that much time co-parenting a child with someone you've known for 90 days?
If she wants to have a child immediately and can't wait till your relationship is more of a sure thing, she needs to leave you out of it and go to a sperm bank, and take on the costs and obligations on her own.
I know that sounds cold, but letting yourself be dragged into this is really really a bad idea. She may be panicking, and she should talk to someone about it, like that old Metafilter favorite, A Counselor. She should not be dragooning her new dude into it.
Oh hey, let me tell you a story. A good friend of mine got talked into signing a "contract" with a girl who wanted a kid but promised she would never hit him up for child support. She got pregnant, and kept her word, and disappeared. However, when that kid was about 12, he found out that she existed and also that her mom was nuts and her home situation was abusive. But he was broke and had his own health issues and couldn't do much for her, though he really wanted to. He died young and wasn't able to leave her with anything, and that contributed a great deal to his misery when he died.
She's a great kid, but she's messed up and has a lot to deal with, and that's because her parents treated the decision to create her with too little respect and didn't think about her needs at all; it was just a cool thing to do, let's make a kid!
Don't do that.
posted by emjaybee at 1:59 PM on April 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Are you set to commit to 18 years of financial and emotional support (at a minimum but let's be honest, it's more like 22). Are you set to spend at least that much time co-parenting a child with someone you've known for 90 days?
If she wants to have a child immediately and can't wait till your relationship is more of a sure thing, she needs to leave you out of it and go to a sperm bank, and take on the costs and obligations on her own.
I know that sounds cold, but letting yourself be dragged into this is really really a bad idea. She may be panicking, and she should talk to someone about it, like that old Metafilter favorite, A Counselor. She should not be dragooning her new dude into it.
Oh hey, let me tell you a story. A good friend of mine got talked into signing a "contract" with a girl who wanted a kid but promised she would never hit him up for child support. She got pregnant, and kept her word, and disappeared. However, when that kid was about 12, he found out that she existed and also that her mom was nuts and her home situation was abusive. But he was broke and had his own health issues and couldn't do much for her, though he really wanted to. He died young and wasn't able to leave her with anything, and that contributed a great deal to his misery when he died.
She's a great kid, but she's messed up and has a lot to deal with, and that's because her parents treated the decision to create her with too little respect and didn't think about her needs at all; it was just a cool thing to do, let's make a kid!
Don't do that.
posted by emjaybee at 1:59 PM on April 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
If you have to ask:
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
Then the answer to:
Should I have a baby?
is not yet.
posted by TheCavorter at 2:25 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is there perhaps some kind of online survey test for this decision?
Then the answer to:
Should I have a baby?
is not yet.
posted by TheCavorter at 2:25 PM on April 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Are you sure that you're not misunderstanding what she's asking you? Are you sure she's not just trying to gauge if you want children in general and therefore are someone she should stay with? Because it really, really sounds to me like you misunderstood what she was asking you.
posted by echo0720 at 3:50 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by echo0720 at 3:50 PM on April 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
3 months? Wow. No, you don't even know each other well at this stage.
posted by pakora1 at 4:26 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by pakora1 at 4:26 PM on April 19, 2013
Oh god. Way. Too. Soon.
posted by Jess the Mess at 4:54 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by Jess the Mess at 4:54 PM on April 19, 2013
Sweet jumpin' jehosephat.... you knew each other for all of **six weeks** before you moved in together, and a bare **additional six weeks** later your partner is already pressuring you to have a child? Please don't!
A child isn't a houseplant that, if you tire of it, will go away; a child is THE biggest, most permanent change you can possibly make. A child needs nurturing and care for many years, and makes a massive emotional AND financial impact on your life. And that doesn't even factor in how a child would tie you to the other prospective parent forever --- that is, a child would tie you to a person YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW (based on that teensy-tiny three months!) until death do you part.
And just for the heck of it: did you know that pressuring their partner to have a child is one of the ways an abuser uses to make sure their partner is permanently tied to them? As is the speedy pressure to move in together, because "it's soooo easy to see so early that it's a true and lasting love."
Please: slow down, back off a little. And make sure there aren't any accidents like broken/leaky condoms or skipped birth control pills.
posted by easily confused at 6:21 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
A child isn't a houseplant that, if you tire of it, will go away; a child is THE biggest, most permanent change you can possibly make. A child needs nurturing and care for many years, and makes a massive emotional AND financial impact on your life. And that doesn't even factor in how a child would tie you to the other prospective parent forever --- that is, a child would tie you to a person YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW (based on that teensy-tiny three months!) until death do you part.
And just for the heck of it: did you know that pressuring their partner to have a child is one of the ways an abuser uses to make sure their partner is permanently tied to them? As is the speedy pressure to move in together, because "it's soooo easy to see so early that it's a true and lasting love."
Please: slow down, back off a little. And make sure there aren't any accidents like broken/leaky condoms or skipped birth control pills.
posted by easily confused at 6:21 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
(maybe it goes without saying) use a condom, do not rely on her taking a pill every morning for birth control.
posted by cupcake1337 at 7:12 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by cupcake1337 at 7:12 PM on April 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Nope. I'd recommend waiting 18 months to two years. Get your relationship into a good groove. Babies will change your relationship in ways you cannot imagine. I say that as someone who just celebrated an eight year anniversary this week... and we now have a seven month old.
posted by smalls at 7:58 PM on April 19, 2013
posted by smalls at 7:58 PM on April 19, 2013
Let me tell you about a friend of mine who bought an engagement ring for his girlfriend, who was totally in love with him until she got pregnant, dumped him, tried to refuse to allow him to see his son and then went to another province implying that she might not come back. She also poisoned the community against him. He's heartbroken, still in school, and dealing with all of this- and the court system- and expenses associated with all of this. He's a good guy. It's a damned shame.
Be careful.
posted by windykites at 9:05 PM on April 19, 2013
Be careful.
posted by windykites at 9:05 PM on April 19, 2013
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
If not, then no.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:32 PM on April 19, 2013
If not, then no.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:32 PM on April 19, 2013
I disagree with the above advice to dump her and run--I know the babylust was incredibly strong in me in my late 20s, early 30s, and if I'd met my husband during that time, I'd probably be thinking, if not saying, the same things your girlfriend is.
What she's going through is pretty nuts, but also normal, if that makes sense. So have some compassion for her sense of urgency. One of the nice/awful things about being in a secure partnership is that we sometimes feel safe to blurt out things like this.
As for deciding whether or not to have a kid--my husband and I are still deciding (in our late 30s). I would agree with above advice to give yourselves a year as a couple--NOT as expectant parents--before you start considering the decision. Get to know each other, weather a few storms together first. You're going to need the practice.
I disagree also that both parents need to be 100% in. Perfection is the enemy of excellence, or so someone says, and I think you can get so bogged down in chasing down the criteria that will make you feel safe and supported and prepared that you never actually get started--or if you do it anyway, you'll get caught up in all this doubt and regret. You don't need to know right now how you're going to manage a teenager. By the time that child is a teenager, you'll have 15 years of experience raising that kid.
Set a date a year from now to revisit the conversation, and not a day before. If you make it as a couple that long, great! If not, well, maybe her ovaries will find satisfaction elsewhere. And if she can't live with that timeline--a totally reasonable timeline--then you know the partnership was a mistake, wish her the best, and let her go so she can find someone else to impregnate her.
posted by elizeh at 9:34 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
What she's going through is pretty nuts, but also normal, if that makes sense. So have some compassion for her sense of urgency. One of the nice/awful things about being in a secure partnership is that we sometimes feel safe to blurt out things like this.
As for deciding whether or not to have a kid--my husband and I are still deciding (in our late 30s). I would agree with above advice to give yourselves a year as a couple--NOT as expectant parents--before you start considering the decision. Get to know each other, weather a few storms together first. You're going to need the practice.
I disagree also that both parents need to be 100% in. Perfection is the enemy of excellence, or so someone says, and I think you can get so bogged down in chasing down the criteria that will make you feel safe and supported and prepared that you never actually get started--or if you do it anyway, you'll get caught up in all this doubt and regret. You don't need to know right now how you're going to manage a teenager. By the time that child is a teenager, you'll have 15 years of experience raising that kid.
Set a date a year from now to revisit the conversation, and not a day before. If you make it as a couple that long, great! If not, well, maybe her ovaries will find satisfaction elsewhere. And if she can't live with that timeline--a totally reasonable timeline--then you know the partnership was a mistake, wish her the best, and let her go so she can find someone else to impregnate her.
posted by elizeh at 9:34 PM on April 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think you should ignore the guilt trips people are laying on you for having a little voice in the back of your head that wonders about starting a family with somebody younger. They're judging you as if you're proud of this and you're bragging that 10 years from now you'll go out and bag a younger babe. It's a thought you're not proud of having, but it's there and you're wondering what to do about it. I'm hardly the first person to say that it's what you do, and not whatever creepy things you may sometimes think, that determines who you really are.
That being said, if you are thinking stuff like that, it does seem to speak to some real ambivalence you feel about starting a family with this woman... And it's natural to feel very ambivalent indeed, if she's trying to talk you into having babies when you probably have stuff at the back of your fridge that's been around longer than you've known her.
If she's going to break up with you because you don't want kids now, let her go. If she has baby fever, that's not an evil or crazy thing... But this is way, way too soon for you to commit to something like that. I am of the opinion that when people decide against having kids, it's almost always a good thing. This world is full of too many people already. Don't make any more, unless you feel very strongly compelled to do so and feel confident you can raise them in a secure and loving home.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:52 AM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
That being said, if you are thinking stuff like that, it does seem to speak to some real ambivalence you feel about starting a family with this woman... And it's natural to feel very ambivalent indeed, if she's trying to talk you into having babies when you probably have stuff at the back of your fridge that's been around longer than you've known her.
If she's going to break up with you because you don't want kids now, let her go. If she has baby fever, that's not an evil or crazy thing... But this is way, way too soon for you to commit to something like that. I am of the opinion that when people decide against having kids, it's almost always a good thing. This world is full of too many people already. Don't make any more, unless you feel very strongly compelled to do so and feel confident you can raise them in a secure and loving home.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:52 AM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Comment deleted; there is no call to accuse girlfriend of being deceptive.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:40 AM on April 20, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 7:40 AM on April 20, 2013
Wait another nine to twelve months and see how you feel. In this situation it's more important that you make the right decision than a quick decision.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:51 AM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:51 AM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Three months seems to early to move in together but what's the worst that could happen? You could only hurt yourselves. You really can't judge the viability of a relationship based on cataloging all thing things you love about a person, you need to know the things about them that you don't love so much, those things take time to come out.
When you are wondering if you want a baby you have to also wonder if you are ready for a baby that might not be perfect, a colicky baby that cries every single night and day, or a baby with a birth defect that requires extra (or full time) care and money. When you really want a baby those ideas don't scare you so much.
posted by InkaLomax at 2:39 PM on April 20, 2013
When you are wondering if you want a baby you have to also wonder if you are ready for a baby that might not be perfect, a colicky baby that cries every single night and day, or a baby with a birth defect that requires extra (or full time) care and money. When you really want a baby those ideas don't scare you so much.
posted by InkaLomax at 2:39 PM on April 20, 2013
and if baby in a year is doable then why not now? That's the kind of reasoning a child might apply when asking to receive their birthday present a couple of months early.
This was the voice tickling me in the back of my head. Thinking this.
In years gone by, I was training to be a summer camp counselor. That whole "if then why not now!" Thing sounds EXACTLY like something a kid would say there when told there was no Nintendo until everyone was done with snack, or there had been gym/outdoor activities or something.
These kids were all younger than 14.
I have very rarely heard a grown ass adult apply this kind of thought process in that way. This would give me serious pause, and be an enormous squick out/turn off.
posted by emptythought at 5:15 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This was the voice tickling me in the back of my head. Thinking this.
In years gone by, I was training to be a summer camp counselor. That whole "if then why not now!" Thing sounds EXACTLY like something a kid would say there when told there was no Nintendo until everyone was done with snack, or there had been gym/outdoor activities or something.
These kids were all younger than 14.
I have very rarely heard a grown ass adult apply this kind of thought process in that way. This would give me serious pause, and be an enormous squick out/turn off.
posted by emptythought at 5:15 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you're having difficulty communicating now, imagine how much harder it will be with a child.
But think of it in these terms, my older sister met a man when she was 18 and prompty became pregnant and engaged. Fast forward 10 years and everyone in our family still hates this guy but are cordial to him because of their children. You might have to end up dealing with your gf's family for the rest of your life because they will want to be involved. Needless to say I no longer have a relationship with my sister because that man has driven a wedge between us: her family and them: his family.
Bringing another person into the world involves other entanglements you may not foresee and familial obligations is one of them. She may choose to raise the child in a way her parents or siblings agree with and you may not. Do you know she will choose your side or consider your concerns? Parenting style is definitely an issue at hand that should at least be considered among the numerous considerations on your plate right now. This is a lot to think about and having a baby should not be a choice made lightly in your particular situation because all the cards aren't on the table so to speak.
also, what emptythought said.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:36 AM on April 21, 2013
But think of it in these terms, my older sister met a man when she was 18 and prompty became pregnant and engaged. Fast forward 10 years and everyone in our family still hates this guy but are cordial to him because of their children. You might have to end up dealing with your gf's family for the rest of your life because they will want to be involved. Needless to say I no longer have a relationship with my sister because that man has driven a wedge between us: her family and them: his family.
Bringing another person into the world involves other entanglements you may not foresee and familial obligations is one of them. She may choose to raise the child in a way her parents or siblings agree with and you may not. Do you know she will choose your side or consider your concerns? Parenting style is definitely an issue at hand that should at least be considered among the numerous considerations on your plate right now. This is a lot to think about and having a baby should not be a choice made lightly in your particular situation because all the cards aren't on the table so to speak.
also, what emptythought said.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:36 AM on April 21, 2013
I'm going to share something my gynecologist shared with me recently. He said in all the years of his practice, he has either heard directly from the father or heard from his patients that the father or potential father was fearful, ambivalent, or had to be pushed to decide to have a child. But, he has never seen a man in his practice regret that they fathered a child. He said this not to dismiss a man's lack of commitment to it, but how it is genetically programmed in a man to have this fear that sometimes runs through the child's infancy. A mild regret that disappears when they can actually interact with the child in a practical way; this is normal. He also said, there is never the right time to have a child and you can never be entirely prepared.
If you love her as you say you do and see yourself growing old together, then face your fear and give it the necessary time, but not so much time that time decides for you. Good luck.
posted by i_wear_boots at 10:33 AM on April 21, 2013
If you love her as you say you do and see yourself growing old together, then face your fear and give it the necessary time, but not so much time that time decides for you. Good luck.
posted by i_wear_boots at 10:33 AM on April 21, 2013
But, he has never seen a man in his practice regret that they fathered a child.
I believe you mean "He has never had a man at his practice tell him that he regretted fathering a child." There is a distinct difference, plus let's not forget that an OB/GYN isn't going to meet a lot of the fathers who regret it.
He said this not to dismiss a man's lack of commitment to it, but how it is genetically programmed in a man to have this fear that sometimes runs through the child's infancy.
Anyone who uses the phrase "genetically programmed" unironically does not know what he or she is talking about.
I don't say this to accuse you of being a bad actor in this discussion -- merely to point out that the whole "Oh, you'll love it once it happens!" argument is not 100 percent true, and it has led to a lot of really bad upbringings.
posted by Etrigan at 1:54 PM on April 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
I believe you mean "He has never had a man at his practice tell him that he regretted fathering a child." There is a distinct difference, plus let's not forget that an OB/GYN isn't going to meet a lot of the fathers who regret it.
He said this not to dismiss a man's lack of commitment to it, but how it is genetically programmed in a man to have this fear that sometimes runs through the child's infancy.
Anyone who uses the phrase "genetically programmed" unironically does not know what he or she is talking about.
I don't say this to accuse you of being a bad actor in this discussion -- merely to point out that the whole "Oh, you'll love it once it happens!" argument is not 100 percent true, and it has led to a lot of really bad upbringings.
posted by Etrigan at 1:54 PM on April 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
For some people, this wouldn't be moving too fast-- it would be perfect. You clearly feel slightly mismatched and you're not sure you want to be a father yet-- don't do it now. Maybe in a year, but not now-- you need to give it time, meet her family, &c.
But as someone wrote above, you don't have all that much time left before your sperm gets a little elderly itself, so the "younger woman" thing isn't doing anyone any favors. The "biological urge for youth" is present in women too, it's not some secret male mystery to be reckoned with. Most people like banging someone hot and young with nice skin; choosing a life partner is not all about that.
But basically my opinion is that from your question you seem not quite ready for commitment or a child at the current moment.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:06 PM on April 21, 2013
But as someone wrote above, you don't have all that much time left before your sperm gets a little elderly itself, so the "younger woman" thing isn't doing anyone any favors. The "biological urge for youth" is present in women too, it's not some secret male mystery to be reckoned with. Most people like banging someone hot and young with nice skin; choosing a life partner is not all about that.
But basically my opinion is that from your question you seem not quite ready for commitment or a child at the current moment.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:06 PM on April 21, 2013
Just as a counterpoint to the many OMG WOMAN IN HER 30'S IS BABY CRAZY RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIFE posts in this thread...
My partner and I are of a similar age and decided to get married after only a couple months of dating. We started seriously trying for a baby not long after. We now have a son who both of us utterly adore and who has brought us even closer together in so many beautiful ways.
In our case, three months was enough time. But neither of us would have made a post like this. The fact that you did tells me you're not ready.
posted by annekate at 11:50 PM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
My partner and I are of a similar age and decided to get married after only a couple months of dating. We started seriously trying for a baby not long after. We now have a son who both of us utterly adore and who has brought us even closer together in so many beautiful ways.
In our case, three months was enough time. But neither of us would have made a post like this. The fact that you did tells me you're not ready.
posted by annekate at 11:50 PM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
We now have a son who both of us utterly adore and who has brought us even closer together in so many beautiful ways.
If you don't feel as annekate and SO felt, and are going off the assumption that you may change your mind, who's to say that you actually will?
If you're not 100% on board now, please make sure that you are when and if you actively start trying. A child knows when they are unwanted and grow up to be adults who know they were unwanted. Can you imagine causing that?
posted by lunastellasol at 7:20 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you don't feel as annekate and SO felt, and are going off the assumption that you may change your mind, who's to say that you actually will?
If you're not 100% on board now, please make sure that you are when and if you actively start trying. A child knows when they are unwanted and grow up to be adults who know they were unwanted. Can you imagine causing that?
posted by lunastellasol at 7:20 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) Don't have a baby with a partner who you've only been dating for THREE months.
2) Read this article by Sugar, from the Rumpus:
.."It’s that possibly you expect to have a feeling about wanting to have a baby that will never come and so the clear desire for a baby isn’t an accurate gauge for you when you’re trying to decide whether or not you should have one. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true.
So what then, is an accurate gauge?"
posted by suedehead at 8:53 PM on April 24, 2013
2) Read this article by Sugar, from the Rumpus:
.."It’s that possibly you expect to have a feeling about wanting to have a baby that will never come and so the clear desire for a baby isn’t an accurate gauge for you when you’re trying to decide whether or not you should have one. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true.
So what then, is an accurate gauge?"
posted by suedehead at 8:53 PM on April 24, 2013
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Personally, I think that people should only have kids if they absolutely must. In other words, they should be "called" to be parents, the way people are "called" to be monks or priests; they can't imagine being happy or fulfilled any other way.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:08 AM on April 19, 2013 [27 favorites]