Need perspective on inter-family conflict
April 8, 2013 6:45 AM Subscribe
My mother and mother-in-law have had a falling out due to a misunderstanding on my mother-in-law's part. My mother-in-law lives with me and my mother is due to visit in the summer (she lives abroad). Before I collapse with stress, I need some external perspective on this issue. Help!
Apologies for the length of this, however I am trying to anticipate any questions that might arise...
My mother and mother-in-law originally had a very good relationship. When my mother still lived locally, they saw each other on a weekly basis and seemed to generally hit it off like a house-on-fire. My mother (and father) then moved abroad and subsequently we only got to see them in-the-flesh once every couple of years.
The last time my mother visited, on the last day of her stay, something happened that caused my mother-in-law to become very upset (but uncommunicative about the problem). She refused to speak to my mother at the airport and we ended up having to leave my mother weeping at the airport. To this day, my mother-in-law has refused to say what happened, however I have subsequently managed to work out that it was my mother saying something like "Is [my mother-in-law] going to come with us to the airport?" that apparently set my mother-in-law off. Apparently she interpreted this as "Does [my mother-in-law] really have to come with us to the airport to say goodbye?", with the implication that this was unwelcome. I have no reason to believe that my mother-in-law's interpretation of events is correct and anyone who knows my mother well would also be very surprised if she had intended the question to be read in the way it was; she is always deeply concerned about how her actions impact others and has a deep respect for my mother-in-law.
By way of background, I should at this point highlight that my mother-in-law is very sensitive to slights to her character or anything she finds offensive or upsetting. She tends to take things like this to heart and is also not open to discussions about why she might have misunderstood what happened. Once she forms an opinion on an event there is no alternative to her interpretation. This trait is particularly vexing as she (being a non-native, but more-or-less fluent speaker of English) tends to take a very literal approach to the English language. She also tends to have a very literal, black-and-white view of the world. There is not much room for middle ground. She is also very passive aggressive, which makes understanding and resolving situations very difficult.
The situation now is that I have absolutely no idea how to resolve this situation. The thought of my mother and mother-in-law meeting drives me to distraction. My mother-in-law has met my father on one occasion since The Event and she was obviously stand-offish and would have refused to greet him with anything other than a handshake were it not for the fact that my father forced (in a positive sense) a hug and kiss on her, as they used to greet each other. They did at least speak however, and my father's impression after that visit was that it was obvious that there was a rift between my mother and mother-in-law and that I should speak to my mother-in-law to try to get her to come round. See the previous paragraph.
By the way, the reason I have not mentioned my wife up-to this point, is that she has very pointedly stated that she will always take her mother's side in situations like this (she was not present at the time of The Event). She also has a inherited a very similar world-view to my mother-in-law, which again makes discussion of these matters nigh-on impossible. However, that is a topic for another time. In any event, she will not be present this summer as she works abroad (hence why my mother-in-law lives with me, helping to look after my daughter).
So, now I face a situation where my parents are visiting this summer. They will be traveling around the country visiting various relatives, however they are planning to meet up with me for two long weekends. Originally they were planning to visit my home town however they have now contacted me me to suggest meeting in another part of the country. I believe this is probably because my sister has raised the issue of the relationship with my mother-in-law and they are now suggesting visiting in a remote location, probably to avoid any chance of meeting her. I need to find out what my sister might have said, however I suspect the change of plan is to avoid stress for me; I am sure they would much rather meet with my mother-in-law to try to resolve the situation.
What do I do now? I can arrange to meet up with my parents at another location, however it is pretty much guaranteed that my mother-in-law (and probably my wife as well) will interpret this as a slight to her, which will only inflame matters. Alternatively, we can stick with the original plan and have them come to my home town, but just try to engineer things so that my mother-in-law does not meet them (again, she will probably interpret this as a slight). Alternatively, I could try to organize some sort of reconciliation meeting between them, however I fully expect this would my require my mother to grovel and apologize profusely for something that I don't believe she has done wrong. Also, this latter option would raise the possibility of my parents again saying something that is misinterpreted, taking us back to square one. I guess an ideal solution would involve some sort of mediation, however I have no idea about how that would work and I very strongly doubt my mother-in-law would have anything to do with "all that touchy-feely crap", which she would see as basically washing our dirty linen in public.
Just thinking about this is causing my blood pressure to sky-rocket. I don't know quite how I will cope in the coming months. I realize that the normal answer to these situations is communication, however my wife's family's somewhat unique (in my experience) take on situations like this would seem to preclude that. I also recognize that I seem to be making this all about me, when it is basically a situation that involves two independent, ostensibly grown-up people; this does, however, have implications for my relationship with both my wife and mother-in-law (and my sanity).
I don't believe there is any good answer to this; short of a miracle, the best I can foresee if several months of high stress followed by a return to status quo. The worst I foresee if a further breakdown in the relationship between the families, possibly with consequences for my marriage.
Please help me find some perspective. How much of this problem is me? Am I missing something that could resolve this with the least stress for all involved?
Apologies for the length of this, however I am trying to anticipate any questions that might arise...
My mother and mother-in-law originally had a very good relationship. When my mother still lived locally, they saw each other on a weekly basis and seemed to generally hit it off like a house-on-fire. My mother (and father) then moved abroad and subsequently we only got to see them in-the-flesh once every couple of years.
The last time my mother visited, on the last day of her stay, something happened that caused my mother-in-law to become very upset (but uncommunicative about the problem). She refused to speak to my mother at the airport and we ended up having to leave my mother weeping at the airport. To this day, my mother-in-law has refused to say what happened, however I have subsequently managed to work out that it was my mother saying something like "Is [my mother-in-law] going to come with us to the airport?" that apparently set my mother-in-law off. Apparently she interpreted this as "Does [my mother-in-law] really have to come with us to the airport to say goodbye?", with the implication that this was unwelcome. I have no reason to believe that my mother-in-law's interpretation of events is correct and anyone who knows my mother well would also be very surprised if she had intended the question to be read in the way it was; she is always deeply concerned about how her actions impact others and has a deep respect for my mother-in-law.
By way of background, I should at this point highlight that my mother-in-law is very sensitive to slights to her character or anything she finds offensive or upsetting. She tends to take things like this to heart and is also not open to discussions about why she might have misunderstood what happened. Once she forms an opinion on an event there is no alternative to her interpretation. This trait is particularly vexing as she (being a non-native, but more-or-less fluent speaker of English) tends to take a very literal approach to the English language. She also tends to have a very literal, black-and-white view of the world. There is not much room for middle ground. She is also very passive aggressive, which makes understanding and resolving situations very difficult.
The situation now is that I have absolutely no idea how to resolve this situation. The thought of my mother and mother-in-law meeting drives me to distraction. My mother-in-law has met my father on one occasion since The Event and she was obviously stand-offish and would have refused to greet him with anything other than a handshake were it not for the fact that my father forced (in a positive sense) a hug and kiss on her, as they used to greet each other. They did at least speak however, and my father's impression after that visit was that it was obvious that there was a rift between my mother and mother-in-law and that I should speak to my mother-in-law to try to get her to come round. See the previous paragraph.
By the way, the reason I have not mentioned my wife up-to this point, is that she has very pointedly stated that she will always take her mother's side in situations like this (she was not present at the time of The Event). She also has a inherited a very similar world-view to my mother-in-law, which again makes discussion of these matters nigh-on impossible. However, that is a topic for another time. In any event, she will not be present this summer as she works abroad (hence why my mother-in-law lives with me, helping to look after my daughter).
So, now I face a situation where my parents are visiting this summer. They will be traveling around the country visiting various relatives, however they are planning to meet up with me for two long weekends. Originally they were planning to visit my home town however they have now contacted me me to suggest meeting in another part of the country. I believe this is probably because my sister has raised the issue of the relationship with my mother-in-law and they are now suggesting visiting in a remote location, probably to avoid any chance of meeting her. I need to find out what my sister might have said, however I suspect the change of plan is to avoid stress for me; I am sure they would much rather meet with my mother-in-law to try to resolve the situation.
What do I do now? I can arrange to meet up with my parents at another location, however it is pretty much guaranteed that my mother-in-law (and probably my wife as well) will interpret this as a slight to her, which will only inflame matters. Alternatively, we can stick with the original plan and have them come to my home town, but just try to engineer things so that my mother-in-law does not meet them (again, she will probably interpret this as a slight). Alternatively, I could try to organize some sort of reconciliation meeting between them, however I fully expect this would my require my mother to grovel and apologize profusely for something that I don't believe she has done wrong. Also, this latter option would raise the possibility of my parents again saying something that is misinterpreted, taking us back to square one. I guess an ideal solution would involve some sort of mediation, however I have no idea about how that would work and I very strongly doubt my mother-in-law would have anything to do with "all that touchy-feely crap", which she would see as basically washing our dirty linen in public.
Just thinking about this is causing my blood pressure to sky-rocket. I don't know quite how I will cope in the coming months. I realize that the normal answer to these situations is communication, however my wife's family's somewhat unique (in my experience) take on situations like this would seem to preclude that. I also recognize that I seem to be making this all about me, when it is basically a situation that involves two independent, ostensibly grown-up people; this does, however, have implications for my relationship with both my wife and mother-in-law (and my sanity).
I don't believe there is any good answer to this; short of a miracle, the best I can foresee if several months of high stress followed by a return to status quo. The worst I foresee if a further breakdown in the relationship between the families, possibly with consequences for my marriage.
Please help me find some perspective. How much of this problem is me? Am I missing something that could resolve this with the least stress for all involved?
You need to model good communication for your wife and mother-in-law in this instance.
Sit down with your wife first and say, "Sweetie, out of respect for your Mom's feelings, my folks are suggesting that we meet in Such place on Such weekends. I wanted to let you know that this isn't intended as a slight, but simply a way not to impose on your Mom. What would be the best way to discuss this with your Mom so that she doesn't misunderstand and get her feelings hurt?"
Let your wife guide you and then you both can sit down with your MIL and let her know about your plans this summer.
At the end of the day, you can't control your MIL, nor can you control how your wife will react to situations, you can only control how you react.
By being candid and open, and by explaining the intent behind actions, you might be able to frame things in a way that your MIL and wife will understand, but at the end of the day, there's no guarantee.
If your wife or MIL reacts badly to this information, you really can only say, "It wasn't meant as a slight to you, we we really were trying to consider your feelings." And then you just go on with your plans.
You acknowledge that you know that both your Wife and your MIL aren't going to change how they percieve human interaction, but you can stop being held hostage by it.
You can't make people feel better. It's not your job to do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:58 AM on April 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
Sit down with your wife first and say, "Sweetie, out of respect for your Mom's feelings, my folks are suggesting that we meet in Such place on Such weekends. I wanted to let you know that this isn't intended as a slight, but simply a way not to impose on your Mom. What would be the best way to discuss this with your Mom so that she doesn't misunderstand and get her feelings hurt?"
Let your wife guide you and then you both can sit down with your MIL and let her know about your plans this summer.
At the end of the day, you can't control your MIL, nor can you control how your wife will react to situations, you can only control how you react.
By being candid and open, and by explaining the intent behind actions, you might be able to frame things in a way that your MIL and wife will understand, but at the end of the day, there's no guarantee.
If your wife or MIL reacts badly to this information, you really can only say, "It wasn't meant as a slight to you, we we really were trying to consider your feelings." And then you just go on with your plans.
You acknowledge that you know that both your Wife and your MIL aren't going to change how they percieve human interaction, but you can stop being held hostage by it.
You can't make people feel better. It's not your job to do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:58 AM on April 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
I have a relative like your MIL.
In my experience the best strategy is to pretend things are completely normal. Do whatever you would have done with your parents prior to this conflict. If your mother can handle it, have her greet your MIL cordially. If your MIL refuses to speak to your mother, ignore her and just be generally friendly and upbeat and continue about your day. Let holding the grudge be her burden and not yours.
The idea is that once she realizes everyone is having fun without her and some time passes, she'll give up on the grudge. With my relative this eventually always works and if you just continue to try to be friendly to her and ignore her standoffishness and rudeness, she will eventually get over it. It is difficult to do and sometimes she does end up holding the grudge for years, but she always eventually forgets about it, or even apologizes for it. If you try to keep the person in question away from her, she continues to hold the grudge due to having no new evidence of the person in question's redeeming qualities.
I'm sorry. It sucks to have to tiptoe around a family member. ymmv with this approach but at least you won't let her ruin your good time in the meantime. As for you and your wife.... Therapy may be in order...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:19 AM on April 8, 2013 [26 favorites]
In my experience the best strategy is to pretend things are completely normal. Do whatever you would have done with your parents prior to this conflict. If your mother can handle it, have her greet your MIL cordially. If your MIL refuses to speak to your mother, ignore her and just be generally friendly and upbeat and continue about your day. Let holding the grudge be her burden and not yours.
The idea is that once she realizes everyone is having fun without her and some time passes, she'll give up on the grudge. With my relative this eventually always works and if you just continue to try to be friendly to her and ignore her standoffishness and rudeness, she will eventually get over it. It is difficult to do and sometimes she does end up holding the grudge for years, but she always eventually forgets about it, or even apologizes for it. If you try to keep the person in question away from her, she continues to hold the grudge due to having no new evidence of the person in question's redeeming qualities.
I'm sorry. It sucks to have to tiptoe around a family member. ymmv with this approach but at least you won't let her ruin your good time in the meantime. As for you and your wife.... Therapy may be in order...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:19 AM on April 8, 2013 [26 favorites]
There's no use trying to please people whose main interest is finding ways to be offended. Also, given that your mother and mother-in-law are both adults, they can straighten this out by themselves.
Carry on with your mother's plans as they were before this "slight" occurred. Either your mother-in-law will give up the grudge or she won't...there really isn't much you can do to change the minds of people like her.
posted by xingcat at 7:22 AM on April 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
Carry on with your mother's plans as they were before this "slight" occurred. Either your mother-in-law will give up the grudge or she won't...there really isn't much you can do to change the minds of people like her.
posted by xingcat at 7:22 AM on April 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
You need to speak to your wife and then your MIL with this. Your parents are coming; you want to see them. They will meet with you wherever is easiest for everyone. Does wife have a preference? Do you? How do you want to discuss it with MIL to not make things worse?
Your wife sides with her mother, and that's understandable, but does she understand that you do not? How is her relationship with your mother?
posted by jeather at 7:25 AM on April 8, 2013
Your wife sides with her mother, and that's understandable, but does she understand that you do not? How is her relationship with your mother?
posted by jeather at 7:25 AM on April 8, 2013
Poor you! The thing to remember is that these people are all adults and should be able to manage their feelings on their own.
Can you go to MIL and say, "I've noticed that you are uncomfortable around my mother. I love you and value you and I also love and value my parents. They will be staying here for this amount of time. If you are truly uncomfortable, and since this is your home too, I would be willing to treat you to a get away. I know you work very hard to care for my child and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt or offend you. Would you like to enjoy a visit with my mother or would you prefer a nice vacation?"
Clear this with your wife, first. Maybe she will step up and suggest it to her mother. Good luck!
posted by myselfasme at 7:26 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Can you go to MIL and say, "I've noticed that you are uncomfortable around my mother. I love you and value you and I also love and value my parents. They will be staying here for this amount of time. If you are truly uncomfortable, and since this is your home too, I would be willing to treat you to a get away. I know you work very hard to care for my child and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt or offend you. Would you like to enjoy a visit with my mother or would you prefer a nice vacation?"
Clear this with your wife, first. Maybe she will step up and suggest it to her mother. Good luck!
posted by myselfasme at 7:26 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let holding the grudge be her burden and not yours.
This. She is being childish and immature. And while you need to not elevate the drama for your own peace of mind, I usually find the best way of dealing with such situations is to simply do what you would do if someone were not being immature. Make your plans and plead either ignorance or confusion should MIL decide to stomp around, refuse to speak, or otherwise act childishly. Baffled astonishment on your part if she expects you to understand what the problem is. In other words, refuse to play the game. Drama needs an audience; don't be one.
Now the tricky bit is your mom; is she tough enough to just let MIL be stompy and angry and ignore it, or will it ruin things for her? If so, then let her drive the decision. Does she want to talk to MIL? Avoid her altogether?
But overall, it's between them, and the more you can refuse to be drawn in, the better off you are.
posted by emjaybee at 7:33 AM on April 8, 2013 [7 favorites]
This. She is being childish and immature. And while you need to not elevate the drama for your own peace of mind, I usually find the best way of dealing with such situations is to simply do what you would do if someone were not being immature. Make your plans and plead either ignorance or confusion should MIL decide to stomp around, refuse to speak, or otherwise act childishly. Baffled astonishment on your part if she expects you to understand what the problem is. In other words, refuse to play the game. Drama needs an audience; don't be one.
Now the tricky bit is your mom; is she tough enough to just let MIL be stompy and angry and ignore it, or will it ruin things for her? If so, then let her drive the decision. Does she want to talk to MIL? Avoid her altogether?
But overall, it's between them, and the more you can refuse to be drawn in, the better off you are.
posted by emjaybee at 7:33 AM on April 8, 2013 [7 favorites]
This is a stressful situation she has put you in; you have my sympathies. I would carry on with your life as normal, invite your parents to your hometown for the two long weekends and let your mother-in-law know they are coming and invite her to any events (dinner etc) so that there is no accusation from her that she has been snubbed. If she chooses to sulk in her room all day you ignore her, just as you would a ignore a toddler having a tantrum. It must be awful to ba an adult that can only relate to others with the emotional style of a child, have some compassion for how limiting her life is. People like this often do not appreciate honesty (such as directly asking what you can do to help) because that destroys the illusion they hold of them having all the power in the relationship. Ignoring their behaviour usually holds them accountable to being increasingly rude in the face of cheerful, welcoming people - especially if there are people outside the detente that they ALSO have to maintain face in front of.
Secondly, I would get into marriage/family counselling ASAP. Your wife should consider you and the child you have together as her first family. That she is willing to still put her mother first speaks to some incredible dysfunctional relationships in her family of origin. In-laws that cannot let go of their grown children will do absolutely anything to destroy their children's marriages in order to assert their dominance over their children to the detriment of everyone involved. Personally, I would be rather concerned that your MIL may have too much influence on your young daughter's emotional development, especially, as you say, your wife share many of the same traits and your daughter looks to her mother and grandmother as female role-models for emotional regulation and how to relate to others. Since your parents will be in-country for a bit, would they be willing to take your daughter for a week of special on-on-one time?
posted by saucysault at 7:34 AM on April 8, 2013 [9 favorites]
Secondly, I would get into marriage/family counselling ASAP. Your wife should consider you and the child you have together as her first family. That she is willing to still put her mother first speaks to some incredible dysfunctional relationships in her family of origin. In-laws that cannot let go of their grown children will do absolutely anything to destroy their children's marriages in order to assert their dominance over their children to the detriment of everyone involved. Personally, I would be rather concerned that your MIL may have too much influence on your young daughter's emotional development, especially, as you say, your wife share many of the same traits and your daughter looks to her mother and grandmother as female role-models for emotional regulation and how to relate to others. Since your parents will be in-country for a bit, would they be willing to take your daughter for a week of special on-on-one time?
posted by saucysault at 7:34 AM on April 8, 2013 [9 favorites]
If your MIL is the type to misinterpret everything (and I have to deal with these types of people all the time myself), just put the ball in her court. If you do decide to meet in a location that is not your home, invite MIL along. Invite MIL to everything, and make her say no, if she dares. Either way you win, and she doesn't get fodder for more pettiness.
Some people want to be offended. It energizes them. It motivates them (he said that to me! Well, I'll show them!), and you need to defuse it. You can defuse it by making her happy or by making her decide.
Then again, she still might get offended, thinking - "they're only inviting me because they know I can't go" - like a politician legislating policy, there's a good chance that you'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Eventually, you'll just need to desensitize yourself.
As for the disagreement with your wife, I don't think you necessarily need therapy based on this one disagreement! It's like saying you need open heart surgery because you had a palpitation this one time - maybe you do, and maybe you don't, but like you said, that's a topic for another time!
Heck we all need therapy!
posted by bitteroldman at 7:56 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some people want to be offended. It energizes them. It motivates them (he said that to me! Well, I'll show them!), and you need to defuse it. You can defuse it by making her happy or by making her decide.
Then again, she still might get offended, thinking - "they're only inviting me because they know I can't go" - like a politician legislating policy, there's a good chance that you'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
Eventually, you'll just need to desensitize yourself.
As for the disagreement with your wife, I don't think you necessarily need therapy based on this one disagreement! It's like saying you need open heart surgery because you had a palpitation this one time - maybe you do, and maybe you don't, but like you said, that's a topic for another time!
Heck we all need therapy!
posted by bitteroldman at 7:56 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've probably already blown it up too far by trying to coax out of her what happened. Just ignore it and pretend like everything is fine. Maybe even "don't be ridiculous, you know she didn't mean any such thing," said with a smile in a teasing, friendly tone, if the topic comes up. Cheerful, sweet, act like everything is normal.
Let her act like a pouting toddler and you just carry on with your life.
That means your mom stays with you during her visit.
posted by amaire at 8:31 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let her act like a pouting toddler and you just carry on with your life.
That means your mom stays with you during her visit.
posted by amaire at 8:31 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would agree with those who say to let your MIL act like a pouting toddler (or words to that effect) and let her misinterpret what she's going to misinterpret, EXCEPT your wife isn't going to back you up, and it's going to cause problems between you and your wife. So I guess I would say either humor them (your MIL and your wife) or family therapy (not for this one disagreement - it seems like this disagreement is a symptom of a weird thing going on between you, your wife, and your mother-in-law, but maybe I'm misreading the situation and it's an isolated incident).
posted by mskyle at 9:07 AM on April 8, 2013
posted by mskyle at 9:07 AM on April 8, 2013
Just as your wife has chosen to prioritize her mother, I think you should prioritize your own mom. Forgive me for being morbid, but your shared time on this earth with your parents is limited. Enjoy them while they are still with us. Don't let your sulky MIL (or your wife) dampen the time you spend with your mom and dad.
Does your wife not see the hypocrisy in asking you to sacrifice your relationship with your own mother when she (your wife) refuses to do the same?
Stand up for your mom.
posted by nacho fries at 9:10 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Does your wife not see the hypocrisy in asking you to sacrifice your relationship with your own mother when she (your wife) refuses to do the same?
Stand up for your mom.
posted by nacho fries at 9:10 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oof. For your sanity, you have to let this go. It's not your burden! I know it feels like it but you cannot hold two halves of someone else's relationship in your hands. Every adult is responsible for their own relationships. If one adult wants to act peeved at another, that is their right. And that may cause them to have a rocky or untenable relationship with that other person. There is NOTHING you can do about that. You can't make them unpeeve, you can't make them be friends. It's out of your hands so release it.
Your job is to love these people and accept that they may not have the relationship that you'd like them to have. But that's okay. You wouldn't want someone stepping in and telling you what kind of relationship you ought to have with your partner or friends! So, step off. You don't have a dog in this fight. Carry on as a normal person with your own relationships to maintain.
Best of luck. I know this ain't easy. You can only be the best, most upright person YOU can be. You can't do that for other people.
posted by amanda at 9:24 AM on April 8, 2013
Your job is to love these people and accept that they may not have the relationship that you'd like them to have. But that's okay. You wouldn't want someone stepping in and telling you what kind of relationship you ought to have with your partner or friends! So, step off. You don't have a dog in this fight. Carry on as a normal person with your own relationships to maintain.
Best of luck. I know this ain't easy. You can only be the best, most upright person YOU can be. You can't do that for other people.
posted by amanda at 9:24 AM on April 8, 2013
I appreciate the sentiment that nacho fries expresses but dividing into teams is exactly what your black-and-white-thinking MIL wants (on an unconscious level, most likely). She is using triangulation (from family systems theory, also called the drama triangle) where she has created roles for everyone - herself as victim, your mother as persecutor and your wife (and hopefully -t to her - you and your daughter) as the rescuers. She is probably threatened by your mother, and the healthy relationship you have with her, and has decided to see who is on team MIL and who will side with "the enemy". It is no co-incidence that your mother is so deeply hurt, your MIL chose her victim and method of attack deliberately to sow this discontent and cast your mother as the scapegoat in your extended family. If this all sounds schoolyardish, it is. Escalating this drama will cause your MIL to be devisive in your marriage in the most manipulative way.
posted by saucysault at 9:46 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 9:46 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Assuming your mother is willing to play nice, then you should stay out of it and let them work it out (or not) between themselves: they are both, as other note, adults.
And if your mother DID say something like that at the airport, some version of 'is she coming too?', consider the background. Did your parents get to see very much of their granddaughter WITHOUT the constant presence of your MIL, too, on that last visit? Did they get much one-on-one time with you, their son?
posted by easily confused at 3:55 PM on April 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
And if your mother DID say something like that at the airport, some version of 'is she coming too?', consider the background. Did your parents get to see very much of their granddaughter WITHOUT the constant presence of your MIL, too, on that last visit? Did they get much one-on-one time with you, their son?
posted by easily confused at 3:55 PM on April 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If not -- and I would understand why not -- I would just act like nothing happened, and if your mother-in-law is frosty let that be her problem, not yours.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:50 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]