Two touchy people in a long-term relationship.

July 16, 2009 7:21 AM

My boyfriend acts very annoyed with me over minor things. He's never cruel about it, but I still find his reactions hurtful. How should I deal?

I've been dating my boyfriend for just under a year, and we get along really well 90% of the time. Even during the other 10%, we don't really fight... we've never raised our voices during a disagreement, and we've never overtly insulted each other. This is by far the healthiest, most stable relationship either of us has ever been in.

From my perspective, our only major problem is the fact that he's really irritable, and I'm really sensitive. I try to give him space when he's feeling stressed or agitated, but I inevitably do something that bothers him anyway, and he reacts by getting very prickly/snippy. Today it was a self-effacing joke, which he met with a very loud sigh and a protracted eye-roll. Asking for help with household tasks usually gets a similar response. If I ask a question after he's explained something to me, he'll often shake his head in dismay, drop the subject entirely, and snap "just nevermind".

Interactions like these occur almost daily, and they make me feel very small. I see myself as an intelligent, reserved person who always thinks before she speaks, so being treated like a nuisance whenever I ask questions really gets to me. I realize I can't control which things my boyfriend finds annoying, but I think his behavior is a little dramatic and immature.

I brought it up to him a several weeks ago... he assured me that he doesn't find me especially annoying. He also admitted that he treats everyone like that when he's stressed out and that he'd like to stop. But since then, nothing has really changed.

How can I handle this so that I'm not so hurt by these situations? Or do I just need to develop a thicker skin?

If this information seems at all relevant: we live seperately, although we do spend most nights together, and lately we have been discussing the possibility of getting a place together in about a year. I'm in my mid twenties, he's in his early thirties.

posted by Girl Scout of Death to human relations (52 comments total)

The only way something can be "fixed" in a relationship is if both folks agree its a problem, then fix it together.

Hard to say from your description, but it sounds like he took your statement about your hurt feelings not as an opportunity to recoginze "hey I need to stop offending my girl scount" but as an opportunity to explain to you he "treats everyone like that".

You two took totally different expectations from that conversation: you thought he would "change" and he thought he explained to you about his personality. So no wonder nothing has changed.

Sounds to me like you didn't communicate well. Sit down with him. Explain to him what's hurting you. Ask what you can do together to improve it, keep working on it. Sounds like he is willing to listen, and if you are too, I bet you can work something out.
posted by RajahKing at 7:36 AM on July 16 [6 favorites]

"Almost daily" raises a flag for me... not that I think that your boyfriend is a bad or abusive person at all, but it seems like a bad thing for you to be made to feel "very small" so frequently.

It doesn't have to be like this, and the fact that it's the best relationship you've ever had doesn't mean that there isn't a better one out there waiting for you.
posted by cider at 7:38 AM on July 16 [2 favorites]

You can't change another person. So you have to chose between being with someone that openly shows contempt with you everyday or finding a healthy relationship.
posted by saucysault at 7:38 AM on July 16 [5 favorites]

I think that rolling his eyes and sighing when you make a joke or ask for help is overtly insulting. It's mean, actually. I guess it's good that your boyfriend doesn't find you "especially annoying" but maybe you should think about whether you'd prefer a boyfriend who doesn't treat anybody like crap, let alone you.
posted by moxiedoll at 7:38 AM on July 16 [29 favorites]

If he'd like to stop, you can help him by arranging with him to tell him when he does it. Invent a codeword if you like. Every time it happens, you immediately say the word... then he tries to rephrase his comments as best he can. Eventually he will learn to catch it earlier and earlier, until hopefully eventually he can stop altogether.

It's in his interest to get rid of this habit, since it's likely to have a negative impact on his friendships and his work as well.
posted by emilyw at 7:41 AM on July 16 [4 favorites]

I brought it up to him a several weeks ago... he assured me that he doesn't find me especially annoying. He also admitted that he treats everyone like that when he's stressed out and that he'd like to stop. But since then, nothing has really changed.

"Hey, you just did that thing we talked about a few weeks ago -- that thing that you said you'd like to stop doing, remember? Is there something on your mind you'd like to talk about?"
posted by hermitosis at 7:42 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

My ex did this. For 4, almost 5 years, I did everything I could to appease him. Giving him space, not talking when he had that look on his face, not asking him for favors or requests of help around the house. Every. Single. Time. I brought up the subject, that he was dismissive of me, that he was hostile and seemed not to be respectful, he had one of two defenses. Either he said he treats everyone like that and I should just get used to it, or he said that I was in fact, quite annoying and I needed to change.

It only got worse after we moved in together.

I'm not saying your fella is a bad guy, just that you two may not fit as well as you think. You'd be amazed at how much better and self-confident you feel when you don't have to spend every moment around your SO watching for the spot where you piss him off or annoy him. If you discuss it again, and he is still dismissive, I would consider letting this relationship go. I know I deeply wish I'd ended it before we lived together and before all that time had been invested.
posted by teleri025 at 7:45 AM on July 16 [12 favorites]

How can I handle this so that I'm not so hurt by these situations? Or do I just need to develop a thicker skin?

Neither. It's great to give someone space when he or she is snippy and grumpy; that's fine and considerate. But you need to speak up when he pulls that sigh-eyeroll-nevermind! bullshit, because it's totally unacceptable behavior. A simple "rolling your eyes at me is a dick move" might suffice, although perhaps a gentler tone would be better for you.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:47 AM on July 16 [3 favorites]

I sometimes act like your boyfriend. It's wrong when I do that. Although it's important for you to understand that it's not about you being worthy of contempt as much as it's about your boyfriend's unfair way of expressing his frustration, this is really his responsibility. Sometimes I'm really bad at managing my bad mood or stress, and I take it out on my husband, and the problem isn't that my husband's skin isn't thick enough, it's my unkind behavior.

It's hard to get out of bad habits in handling stress, like your boyfriend and I have, so the only thing I'd recommend for you is patience--to a point. Be patient, but make this a priority: your boyfriend doesn't need to do a complete 180 overnight, but he does need to make actual changes in the way he's treating you. Maybe couples therapy could help, or maybe the two of you can do it on your own, but agreeing to change and then doing nothing is unacceptable.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:48 AM on July 16 [5 favorites]

Maybe you could develop a thicker skin but I think that's more if we're talking about a work colleague. Personally, I think your partner should be the one you can be the most vulnerable with.

He also admitted that he treats everyone like that when he's stressed out and that he'd like to stop.

Until he actually stops this means nothing. One, he should not be treating anyone this way. His eye rolling and snippiness just sounds downright rude. Second, once he acts like a civilized human being to everyone, he should then treat you better than how he treats "everyone".

I don't mean that you should be a treated like a fragile princess, but if you can make the effort to stand up for yourself, ("Hey, I don't like it when you roll your eyes at me.") then he should really make an effort to not make you feel like crap on a daily basis.

Next time he makes you feel about an inch tall, pull up your shoulders, look him in the eye and tell him, "Ok you're doing that thing where you make me feel like crap again. Can you tell me what's bothering you so you don't take it out on me?" How seriously he takes that will tell you how serious he is about wanting to change.
posted by like_neon at 7:50 AM on July 16 [6 favorites]

Most, perhaps all relationships are about control. You guys are just on the threshold, take a look back after 48 years of marriage if you get that far, and you may see nothing much has changed, the same basic issues remain. The devil, they say, is in the details. What needs to be done is to bring awareness to the devices each of you use to gain the upper hand. Some can manage this without outside help while others will require an expert hand. You can start by talking but even this can become difficult if either of you think the other is power tripping.

I believe no two people are ever going to fit together like a glove so it boils down to feelings. Do you honestly love each other enough to work through the difficulties? Acceptance of each other as you are now in this moment is key to any successful relationship. If you are trying to change each other then watch out, that needs to end ASAP. The only way any of us changes is through our own efforts not the efforts of others. If you can surrender to love, that's the key as nobody will ever surrender to the other. It's too much like giving up your own identity, a situation which only grows more intense with time.

What do I know? Quite a bit about this sort of thing. I have trained as a therapist and been actively engaged in what could be called a personal growth quest, both of us have. We've also done more than survive a relationship that began 48 years ago this month but it remains a give and take situation. Just remember, growth begins with the individual and cannot be forced from the outside.
posted by tgh38 at 7:52 AM on July 16 [8 favorites]

I have gone through the exact same scenerio with my wife, except it was for nagging. We learned, through therapy, that the best way to deal with this is to have a safe word. Sounds strange, I know, but I use something like "who is this?" when I am starting to feel nagged. That sends up a red flag to her saying "whoa, there's something wrong here, we need to reset and start over."

It is easier said than done! First, the person getting annoyed needs to realize that he/she is annoyed and is willing to step back from the situation and approach it from a different angle. I have found that not only does this diffuse the tension within my own being, but it also lets Mrs. Bones know that I am feeling tension and that she needs to either help fix it or to back off.
posted by TheBones at 7:53 AM on July 16 [2 favorites]

If he treats everyone this way, as you say he says, then your boyfriend is an Asshole™. That's not to say that there's no hope for him, but he needs to rectify this. There's nothing you can do but speak up for yourself and be supportive of him if and when he decides to work on this issue. If he doesn't act to take care of his issues (and it is HIS issue), then you need to do what's best for you, even if that means walking away.
posted by zerokey at 7:54 AM on July 16 [3 favorites]

" I am asking you to exercise more patience and less bitchiness when you are in a stressed or irritable mood. Your not infrequent snapping and eyerolling is making me unhappy. I need to hear that you recognize that it hurts me and that you will make an effort to change."


Don't write off your needs by telling yourself you are too sensitive. No one likes to be treated that way. Tell him concretely what you need and ask him to change the behavior. If he doesn't want to change, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 7:57 AM on July 16 [5 favorites]

That's not acceptable behavior. That's the opposite of acceptable behavior.

I'm so sorry, but "daily"???---I would break up with him.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:01 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

I get snappy and irritable when I'm stressed out, too. Whenever I catch myself wanting to bite somebody's head off, I close my eyes, breathe deeply and slowly, and repeat "patience and grace" to myself internally a few times.

I recommend you work with him to establish some kind of call and response: Whenever you feel he's snapping at you, you say a particular key phrase which could be as simple as "take a deep breath", and this obligates him to do something like my routine above. And then you brush it off, which won't be easy, but the worst thing you could do in this kind of situation is to get angry yourself.

It's all about recognizing a bad behavior before it happens and consciously changing it.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:03 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Interactions like these occur almost daily, and they make me feel very small. I see myself as an intelligent, reserved person who always thinks before she speaks, so being treated like a nuisance whenever I ask questions really gets to me. I realize I can't control which things my boyfriend finds annoying, but I think his behavior is a little dramatic and immature.

That's what he needs to hear from you. Kindly.
posted by rokusan at 8:04 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

I think his behavior is a little dramatic and immature.

How can I handle this so that I'm not so hurt by these situations?

You handle it by recognizing that your boyfriend's immature, overly dramatic behavior (yes, this is what it is), while it affects you, is not about you. This is just a reality that you are not in control of. It's a bummer, but it's real and you can't think your way into it being not-real. Accept reality and then decide on a sensible course of action.

Whatever you do, don't deny your feelings about it. If he's unwilling to hear you out, or if he acknowledges this as a fault but is unwilling to work on himself, then moving in together is a bad idea.
posted by jon1270 at 8:08 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

From what you write it sounds like you feel insecure in this relationship. Otherwise you would be telling him to knock it off without us needing to tell you how to handle it.

So, when he does it, tell him to knock it off. If this messes up the relationship, you didn't have much of one to start with. But I am guessing he will instead....just knock it off.

Because you're worth it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:09 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah, don't move in together until he improves his behavior towards you. If you feel like crap on an almost daily basis because of him can you imagine what it would be like if you guys are living together?? 10% of 365 days is like over a month of feeling like shit because of your roommate. You don't need that.
posted by like_neon at 8:10 AM on July 16 [4 favorites]

If these interactions are happening every day, either his life is far too stressful to have normal relationships with people, or he's acting this way over very minor annoyances. I suspect it is the latter, and whether he means it or not he's using it as a way to control you - he doesn't have to treat you as an intellectual equal, or even help out around the house. If this was a once-a-month type of thing, maybe it would be worth growing a thicker skin, but this is a pattern of crappy behavior that needs to be broken.
posted by fermezporte at 8:12 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

No one should be treated with contempt by a non-enemy.
posted by bz at 8:21 AM on July 16 [12 favorites]

Asking for help with household tasks usually gets a similar response.

Not cool. He should be willing to help, and even if he doesn't want to do the tasks he should express it in a healthier manner.

If I ask a question after he's explained something to me, he'll often shake his head in dismay, drop the subject entirely, and snap "just nevermind".

This is kind of assholeish behavior. Your inability to understand something he is saying doesn't necessarily indicate failure on your part -- he might be bad at communicating.

they make me feel very small

The emotion he is displaying towards you appears to be contempt. It is meant to make you feel small. It is also one of the strongest indicators of a relationship that is bound for failure.

I don't understand why the main thrust of the discussion you had was whether you were annoying him. Whether he finds you annoying or not is besides the point. His behavior towards you is simply unacceptable.

Also, yelling and fighting can sometimes be a good thing. It is good to have fights in a relationship. This one might be doomed, but don't be discouraged if you find yourself in a new relationshp and yelling and fighting happen. These are healthy parts of a relationship, so long as the fighting is followed by reconciliation and more compassionate discussion:

A: WHY ARE YOU DOING x?!?
B: IT PISSES ME OFF WHEN y!!!
(further argumentation, winding down)
A: I'm sorry, I really didn't know that y was such a big deal.
B: Yeah, and I didn't realize how you felt when I did x.
(hugs)

I agree with rokusan, but I give you free license to be less kindly if necessary.
posted by Deathalicious at 8:29 AM on July 16 [2 favorites]

The fact that he treats "everyone" this way isn't really an excuse, because you're not "everyone." You're presumable his girlfriend, and someone he'd like to spend a large chunk of time with and share his life with. Openly showing frustration with someone being rude and boorish aside, it's a little worrisome that he feels like it's not something he should work on because it's his M.O. with everyone else on the planet. You'd think that you guys being in a serious relationship, where you're actually even considering moving in together, should make some sort of difference on how he handles conflicts or behavior with you. He has everyone else out there in the world to treat this way, so why should he come home and do the same to you?

I'm not saying DTMFA, but I finally had to end a relationship where I was treated in the same way mainly because it came to a point where I figured why should I be with someone who feels so miserable being around me and in turn makes me feel miserabe about being with him? Whether or not I really was being annoying enough for him to be so frustrated all the time or whether or not he really was just an asshole, or even whether or not he really cared for me didn't matter. He'd always be dismissive in that 'Oh, I'm just always like, that/I've always been mean/I think I might have Asperger's" type excuses that really didn't address the problem at hand. I didn't want an apology, I just wanted acknowledgement that he understood that my feelings were hurt as an individual, not to be compared to some universal ruler of everyone else out there. So in the end I just figured it wasn't worth the trouble since it'd just be a repeat of the same behavior every other week. It's not a question of who's being outrageous here, the point is it's a relationship and you guys will have to be able to discuss and work out differences like this in the future without one party dismissing another party's concern.
posted by kkokkodalk at 8:36 AM on July 16 [3 favorites]

You might want to Google the work of John Gottman, especially as it relates to contempt being the #1 predictor of divorce.
posted by matildaben at 8:40 AM on July 16 [3 favorites]

Just a sort of side note to your general question. I can be sort of snippy and irritable when I'm stressed out and this is less-than-awesome in my relationships. I found that it was easier to keep myself from being stressed out [mostly eating enough, stepping away from stressful work, handling problems that were looming over my head] than it was to just stop being irritable generally. So, that's been my approach. As an effort to work on it, I tried to keep myself fed, stay well-rested, not set myself up to be in stressy situations when I could avoid them and be exceptionally communicative when I was feeling stressed out "Hey I'm feeling a littly ootchy right now, can we not start making dinner until I've gone for a walk/had a snack/replied to this annoying email?" because I feel that if I'm doing something that is making my partner feel bad, I have to meet them at least halfway [and quite possibly much more] if I want to solve the problem which is the bad feelings created, not them annoying me and not me being annoying.

Also, to me this sort of treatment, daily, is a red flag. You may just be putting a negative spin on things but your bf's treatment of you seems contemptuous. You should never get grief for asking for help on something that is a shared responsibility [i.e. chores] and that should be off the table as a response. At this point, to my mind, your BF needs to not say he's going to work to make this sort of thing better but work so that you can see results... the old Yoda "there is no try, only do" thing applies here to my mind. The safe word idea has worked well for me in the past. I would not move in with this guy until you see actual change in this arena.
posted by jessamyn at 8:47 AM on July 16 [5 favorites]

A lot of people will treat information given with disdain instead of asking the person to explain it to them at a lower level in which they will understand it better - this is their way of coaxing an explanation or more often - dismissing it - without showing weakness. You say you are an intelligent women, is it possible that this is just his defense mechanism to keep you from assuming power in the relationship? What were his past relationships like? Were the women as intelligent as you? If not it's possible that he's having a hard time transitioning to a relationship with a woman more or equally intelligent/witty than he is.
posted by any major dude at 8:59 AM on July 16

I used to treat my wife this way; maybe not as frequently or as dramatically, but similarly. The only thing that woke me up and triggered a serious desire to change on my part was her threatening to leave. It's not enough to just want to change your behavior. It takes work.
posted by Brocktoon at 9:00 AM on July 16

I do this sometimes; I'm not proud of it. My advice to you: _don't_ try to appease him, or just be less sensitive. Be assertive, hold your ground, make him _deal with it_ most of the time. I think my doing this is leftover from grade school, when I'd use it as a kind of defense against other kids who weren't always kind to me; I could hold on to the belief that they didn't merit a second thought, and was dismissive of them and their various grade-school criticisms of me. Now, though, I have to be careful not to slip into this whenever I feel stressed.

In grade school, it made the other kids shut up and leave me alone. When my dude refuses to put up with it, though, it quickly breaks me out of that mindset and makes me respect him even more. I think I'm getting better about it as time goes on, partly thanks to him.
posted by amtho at 9:02 AM on July 16 [2 favorites]

Two parts of your story don't jibe. Either he does it when he's stressed, or he does it daily. If he does it daily, and it sounds like it does, this is not a stress reaction, this is who he is.

Do you really want to be with a person who has 'is belittling and dismissive on a regular basis' as part of his basic personality makeup?
posted by jacquilynne at 9:04 AM on July 16

The emotion he is displaying towards you appears to be contempt.

My default face is one that many people (including my therapist) see as mildly annoyed, bored, angry--or "fierce" as a non-native-English-spear once described.

The truth is, that's just my default face.
posted by mpls2 at 9:09 AM on July 16

I'm not going to lie, I occasionally act like your boyfriend does, with 2 differences to what you're describing:

1. I truly don't recognize that I'm doing it most of the time. When I get called out on it, I try to stop as quickly as possible, but it's often a gut reaction that I don't realize is occuring until after it already has.

2. Often, when my girlfriend thinks I'm annoyed/frustrated/whatever it's because she's pushing an issue at a time when I really can't deal with it or asks for my help and then doesn't listen. For example, if she asks me to clean the dishes in the sink but I'm right in the middle of schoolwork, I'm going to say no- the dishes can wait a few minutes, but if I start a set of math problems or a written response or I'm in the middle of reading an assigned chapter and then leave and come back to it, it's going to interrupt my work. If she keeps requesting that I wash the dishes, I will eventually do it, but not without grumbling and rolling my eyes a bit. Or she'll ask me for help with something and then not listen to my answer. Or I'll ask her for her opinion, she'll agree to help, then completely zone out while I'm explaining whatever it is to her, then ask me to repeat myself. I know you said you try to give him space when you're irritable and agitated, but a lot of the comments here are about what to say or do to your boyfriend to get him to change. If you know you're senstive, though, try to change that. Recognize what it is that's causing him to react like he is- he may just be an irritable person, or you may be pressing the issues more than you realize.
posted by kro at 9:13 AM on July 16

I'd also like to add that, he may be inclined to treat everyone this way, but he probably doesn't actually do so if he is able to maintain friendships and a job. I suspect he is able to keep his snippy tone and dismissive attitude in check when he's dealing with someone at work or a friend because he knows that those people can--and probably will--drop him if he treats them badly.

If I can project a little from my own life here: you're a safe target. It's not as embarrassing to have a snippy reaction to one's SO as it is to crab at coworkers. Because you're in a relationship, you have a sort of agreement to work things out (i.e., he can behave badly and you won't "fire" him--the two of you will sit down and discuss it). This isn't a terrible thing, it allows for more intimacy in some ways because you can be more honest and vulnerable with each other (as mentioned above, fighting isn't a bad thing). But because of this "safe" environment to be intimate, to be honest, and to show anger and frustration as well as love without as much guardedness as in other relationships and contexts, both people need to be mindful of how they're treating each other. "I treat everyone this way" isn't an excuse--it's probably a lie. He knows how to treat an employer and friends. He needs to learn how to treat you as a partner, with special attention to this issue.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:24 AM on July 16 [3 favorites]

My ex- did a lot of that, and it was really a way of putting me down, and trying to have the upper hand. In th elong run, it's a form of disrespect. a healthy relationship doesn't include this.
posted by theora55 at 9:42 AM on July 16

Interactions like these occur almost daily, and they make me feel very small. I see myself as an intelligent, reserved person who always thinks before she speaks, so being treated like a nuisance whenever I ask questions really gets to me.

This. I try my best not to ask obvious questions. I look for the sign before asking where the restroom is. It's much easier to laugh off the waiter pointing to the sign above my head and move on, however, than it is to disregard my English boyfriend laughingly correcting my pronunciation of a place foreign to me but familiar to him. I know he means no harm and there's no reason for me to know it, but I can't help feeling a little embarrassed and silly, because I'm looking a fool in front of a person I hold in particularly high regard.

I used to feel stupid and hurt whenever this scene occurred, but then my boyfriend and I discussed it after I snapped at him once. He made it clear that he has great respect for my intelligence, I felt mollified, and we moved on.

I don't know your boyfriend, but if the "I am not putting up with this horse-shit" tactic doesn't work on him, perhaps try simply showing him how much his behavior's hurting you. The next eye roll you get, let your face show your emotions, look him in the eyes, and simply say, "I feel very small."

If this doesn't get to him, DTMFA.

Asking for help with household tasks usually gets a similar response. If I ask a question after he's explained something to me, he'll often shake his head in dismay, drop the subject entirely, and snap "just nevermind".

His general douchebaggery aside, he doesn't help with the housework? He doesn't bother to explain things twice? This behavior implies that he has little regard for you, someone he really ought to hold in the highest regard. As another commenter said, you're not everyone - you're his girlfriend. And I would not consider for a minute moving in with someone who offered eye-rolls instead of shouldering his fair share when it came to housework.

All in all, sounds like he's treating you like a whiny child or an errant student whose company he resents. If he's not willing to try and change, find someone more worthy of your affections.
posted by Devika at 9:44 AM on July 16

One caution about couples therapy (if you're considering it):

you're likely to be thrust into a situation where the therapist, in an effort to be egalitarian, will give equal time to "why" he's acting this way and how "you" contribute to him doing this. The reality is that he's being a jerk and should be called on it. A good therapist should have no problem saying he's being unreasonable, no matter how much he tries to explain his behavior away.
posted by teg4rvn at 10:02 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Just last year I was in a relationship that sounds similar to this, we rightly broke up.

There is a guy out there who has all of the good qualities of your boyfriend, but without the eye-rolling and such.
posted by rhizome at 10:26 AM on July 16

I was in this relationship two months ago. I'm not in it now so...

If you have talked about this with him and he agrees that he is wrong and doesn't work to change it immediately, he probably won't ever work to change it. To my way of thinking now (though of course hindsight is 20/20), it is not worth it to put up with this kind of behavior. You're wasting time when you could potentially be happy by walking on eggshells around a person you really shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells around.
posted by legendarygirlfriend at 10:38 AM on July 16 [2 favorites]

It's highly unlikely that he will change, esp since he says he treats everyone else like this, too. Does this man have any friends left?? My advice: run. Unless you want to be treated as a servant to be tolerated for the rest of your life, find someone else. Also, find a copy of the movie Diary of a Mad Housewife and note the relationship between husband and wife and the way the children also treat their mother with contempt. That could be your future if you put up with this bad behaviour.
posted by x46 at 10:51 AM on July 16

Two parts of your story don't jibe. Either he does it when he's stressed, or he does it daily. If he does it daily, and it sounds like it does, this is not a stress reaction, this is who he is.

I wanted to repeat this for emphasis and add--if he's too stressed to interact with others politely, maybe he should say so and go home instead of treating you poorly.

I also suggest spending more time around a friend who makes you feel good about yourself. Take care of yourself.
posted by kathrineg at 11:12 AM on July 16

When I first started dating my partner, I had a really hard time with not letting every little frustration turn into snippyness and eyerolls. It's shitty behavior, no doubt, and the fact that it's happening every day seems like a bit of a red flag to me. I know mefites are usually pretty quick to call other people's relationships dysfunctional, and I want to take you at your word that this is "by far the healthiest, most stable relationship either of us has ever been in," but my $0.02 for what it's worth is that you probably shouldn't move in together until this has been resolved.

That said, two things:

1. Is it only in this relationship that other people are able to make you "feel small" by eye rolls or sighing? Being dismissive when annoyed is immature and shitty behavior, but if you find yourself getting rattled by this or similar behavior in other people besides your boyfriend it's probably worth looking at building up your self-esteem a bit. "Overly sensitive" can sometimes mean we look too much to others for our own self-worth, which can be a problem generally and in relationships especially. (If it's only your boyfriend that has ever made you feel like this, then you're probably not overly sensitive, so you can disregard this.) Whether or not this particular relationship works out, being able to detach from other people's perception of you is really important thing for healthy relationships.

2. What really, really helped me stop doing this was my boyfriend looking me in the eye every time I did it and saying "you're using a not-very-nice tone of voice right now" or "you know it's not very nice to roll your eyes at me" (or whatever it was I was doing). He's a very even-keeled guy and I think it was helpful that he was able to not internalize it or get angry back, but instead just point it out pretty calmly--he wasn't looking for a response or apology, exactly, just pointing out every time when I crossed the line of being shitty to him. If your boyfriend is honestly interested in changing this behavior, then I think being able to just calmly point it out every time it happens will be helpful in getting him to start recognizing it and hopefully stopping it before it happens. As a bonus, you'll get a pretty good sense of how serious he is about trying to knock it off by his reaction: if he rolls his eyes when you tell him he's being dismissive, then that says a whole lot right there about how much he's interested in actually stopping.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:43 AM on July 16 [1 favorite]

I married this person. We're now divorced.

I'm not trying to jump on the DTMFA train, though. In my case, it was unwillingness to own up to the behavior, and refusal to change it. If your boyfriend makes an honest effort to stop acting like that, it's a totally different situation.

Any time I brought it up the behavior and how poorly it made me feel, he either blamed me, claimed he always acted like that, or denied he was doing it. Someone above mentioned the phrase "walking on eggshells". Which was exactly how I felt all the time. We rarely fought either, but after we split up I realized what a large percentage of my life I spent watching him skulk around giving me the silent treatment, spawned during one of those fits of irritation.

Oddly enough, after the divorce he stopped treating me that way. But now he treats his current girlfriend the same way. It's also how his father interacts with his mother, so I'm willing to bet that it's a pattern of behavior that is pretty far ingrained into him.

That doesn't mean I have to put up with it. This is now one of my biggest relationship dealbreakers, btw. If I see signs of it at any point, I'm done with that person.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 11:55 AM on July 16

A while back, someone posted that there was a list of the four signs that a relationship won't work. I looked it up, because I thought it was interesting. It was from John Gottman's What Predicts Divorce? The four signs are:
- Complain/criticize
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling

I'm sorry this is the most-stable relationship you've been in, but that may be why you don't see contempt as a major problem. You don't need to develop a thicker skin, learn to tip-toe around him, or adopt psychological tricks to make you OK with this. He needs to change. You've asked him to change, and he's not done so. I'm afraid this does not bode well for a happy relationship. That he's in his 30s and does this to everyone also does not bode well for him having a happy relationship with anyone.

If it were me, I'd see this as a deal-breaker and identify it as such with him. And then I'd make good on my word and end the relationship if the contempt and belittling happened even one more time.
posted by Houstonian at 12:03 PM on July 16 [4 favorites]

I had (have?) a very very good friend and business partner who did the EXACT same thing to me (relevant to business discussions, so no eye rolls, but snippy impatience was def there.) He also told me, "I do that to everyone!"

Guess what? After about one year of that shit we no longer work together. Also, he's been laid off from his formal gig, so I have a feeling that his attitude wasn't sitting right with the folks around his office, either.

Did I mention I am very happily married, and he is a gorgeous & accomplished man who hasn't had a steady gf in the 7+ years I've known him? Yeah, that.

My point is that you can not live or work happily with people who make you feel small and undervalued. Ditto for dating and sex.

It was the difference between the way my husband treats me and the shitty way my work-friend treated me that pushed me to DTMFA, so to speak. Sometimes, the way work-friend would answer simple questions would make me feel like I had been punched in the gut. It was shocking and unexpected, and also embarrassing.

We had countless conversations about it. Often times work-friend would know EXACTLY what he'd said/done when I would start to say, "hey! you know when blah blah blah." After a while, "I treat everyone that way, it's nothing personal;)" just wasn't good enough for me. HE NEVER CHANGED HIS BEHAVIOR. I think that hurt my feelings the most in the end.

We're still friends and I am happier now that we don't work together. I'll let you know if he ever finds a woman stupid enough to put up with his attitude, or if he finally figures out how to treat the folks close to him with gentle verbal care.

If I were you, contemplating co-habitation and a longer-term relationship, I would be very very concerned if my partner wasn't moving heaven and earth to treat me with love and respect at all times. You are not the offender here, so why are you asking us what you can change about yourself to learn to live with this? He should be asking us how he can alter himself and be kinder and more helpful towards you. Seriously.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:38 PM on July 16

Also, yelling and fighting can sometimes be a good thing. It is good to have fights in a relationship.

This is true. Especially when the only other alternative to avoiding a fight is letting someone make you feel small. He's never going to change if you don't stand up for yourself. You might be surprised at the reaction you will get from him if you immediately call him on his eye-rolling, dismissive assholery. Don't bother being gentle....I recommend a strongly voiced "cut that crap out!" the next time it happens. Do it again and again until it sticks or you get sick of it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:53 PM on July 16 [1 favorite]

Although he may listen to you, and think he understands, maybe he just does not _get_ what you mean, or how hurtful his behavior is. I say that because that has been the case with me -- I used to be (much more) easily annoyed by minor things, and my irritation ended(s) up leading to hurtful comments and attitude.

What spurred me to start addressing this kind of behavior was when my girlfriend of many years ended our relationship after not being able to deal with it anymore. Even then it took me while to truly understand what was going on, and how damaging my behavior was. And even then, after really getting it, changing my behavior has not been easy -- being I am doing it. It takes effort and self-awareness, and it is exhausting, but also very much worth it.

I am not suggesting that you break up with your boyfriend, or that you put up with his behavior. Instead I guess I am just suggesting that he doesn't feel the pain you feel, and until he does, it will be hard for him to understand how badly he needs to change. Maybe you need to be much more direct, just go to your own place when it happens and tell him in no uncertain terms why you are hurt, and what a jerk he is -- silent treatment or silently suffering does not do it.
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 1:50 PM on July 16

Is there a chance he thinks his behavior is appropriate given your D/s relationship? If so, it's time for you to really, really straighten this out. If it's not fun and rewarding for both of you, it's not appropriate.
posted by Houstonian at 3:07 PM on July 16

Wow, your story sounds like I could have written it about seven years ago. My ex did this to me. It made me feel like shit, and I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells in order to avoid annoying him. Things that annoyed him: questions I would ask, questions I didn't ask, things I wanted to do, things I didn't want to do, things I found funny, and things I didn't find funny. We never had actual "fights," but there was a constant tension and a lot of rude faces, exasperated tones of voice, and snide comments. I eventually got sick of it and broke up with him.

I'm now married to a man that does not act that way. We bicker ambivalently about chores once a week or so. We have a yell-about-something-stupid fight about once a year, but after it is over we discuss the underlying cause of the fight after we have cooled off. There is never any underlying tension in our daily lives and we are very, very happy.

If my husband spoke to me the way that I was used to my ex speaking to me, then I would feel as though I had been physically slapped, because that type of interaction is utterly alien to our relationship. You do not have to be in a relationship like this. Please don't think that you cannot do better than this, because you absolutely can. Your relationship should be your sanctuary from the outside world, not something that makes you feel small and unappreciated.
posted by gatorae at 4:02 PM on July 16

Houstonian- I was waiting for someone to bring that up. :) I don't think our D/s dynamic is responsible for his behavior at all, but I do think it has a lot to do with why I'm so unwilling to call him out on these things when he does them. Part of me feels like it's not my "place", even though I know that attitude isn't conducive to healthy communication.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses you've given me so far. They've helped me realize that we have a lot of stuff to discuss/work out before we make any concrete plans to live together. I especially like the idea of a "hostility safeword" that I can say when I feel like he's being rude or dismissive.
posted by Girl Scout of Death at 4:22 PM on July 16

I'm living this life, too. I'm married to it. My wife is the eye-roller...etc....

Things get more complicated when you live together, get married, have kids.

Save yourself. Get out. This is ingrained behavior; it is in their DNA.

I find it comical the earlier descriptions of similar offenders claiming, "They didn't even know they were doing it." This is further proof this is who they really are. It is effortless. In fact, it is unconscious. One would have an easier time remedying someone who consciously knew they were acting like a jerk. Since you describe you are in this latter camp, maybe you have a chance.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:51 AM on July 17

Being a human being, I sometimes say absurd or fragmentary or dunderheaded things; I ask questions I've asked before; I misphrase things so that they mean the opposite of what I expect them to mean. My wife, bless her, gives every impression of rooting for me, so that she gently fixes my errors: She answers the question she assumes I mean to ask, or she answer my question a second time without pointing out that it's the second time, or she asks clarifying questions, like: "Do you mean x?" She does this all with a minimum of fuss or display in any particular direction; she's straightforward.

I think I do this for her, too. I want the things she says to come out right. I'm not looking for my opportunity to pounce on her mistakes. We don't have tense moments because one of us wouldn't help the other out in a conversation. We're polite. It's a huge comfort.

It's also fair to expect this of other people. Not just your spouse; anyone. This is basic human decency. Eye-rolling and contempt and fits of pique over trivial crap are beneath anyone of any worth.

I have a friend who does all this crap to me, and lately I'm running out of patience. If I mis-state something he gets this awful, disbelieving look and a withering comment. He has obscure rules of proper behavior which I'm always tripping over. I spent an afternoon with him recently and felt relief to come home to my wife, who's on my side. Really, we're on each others' side.

You should feel this way: That coming home is a relief, a relaxation, a comfort. If you don't, nothing else can make up for it.

Start looking for an escape route.
posted by argybarg at 11:12 AM on July 17 [8 favorites]

You should feel this way: That coming home is a relief, a relaxation, a comfort. If you don't, nothing else can make up for it.

Yes! This is so true. There is only one person in the world that you can ever count on being on your side, and that's your spouse/partner/SO. You chose them, they chose you, there should be no desire to cause the other person pain, and real concern and a dedication to changing if it happens. Anything less than this is completely contrary to the point. If this doesn't improve NOW, then you really need to ask yourself why you don't expect better.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:31 PM on July 17 [2 favorites]