Is my boyfriend ashamed of me? Why won't he post any pics of me on fb?
March 6, 2013 6:15 AM Subscribe
Today I deleted all the pictures (20 or so) that I had of my boyfriend on my facebook. Please tell me whether or not I am justified or if you would've done the same. My boyfriend of a couple of months has never posted any pictures of me on his fb.
At first, I thought - well, maybe he's just the kind of guy who doesn't post a lot of pictures or goes on fb much. Except, he just posted 42 pictures of him and (mostly his cousin) who has come to recently visit him in our city. Many of them were taken at an event that I was at - apparently he took some pics of him while I was in the bathroom.
Also, it's not like he lacks pictures of me - he takes many of them and has all of them on his phone. Sometimes he will text me a pic of us. I once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me and he was like, don't worry I'll photobomb you soon.
Well, I decided to finally look through his pictures today and noticed that his ex-girlfriend from 2011 has made many appearances in his photo albums. They were only together for a few months (dating) and he said they never even explicitly had the talk about being a couple. Yet, there she is, all over his facebook.
He would have NO reason to be ashamed of me. I take very good care of myself: I'm thin, long hair, great skin, pretty face and he tells me I am pretty all the time. His friends also stare at me all the time whenever I go out with them because I take pride in dressing up and looking my best (doing my makeup, always wearing heels). The only thing I can think of is that I am black and he is White (european) but before I removed the pics of him I had him tagged which means our pics were showing up on his timeline and he never removed them.
I don't know what to make of this. It's giving me the gut feeling that he is just not all that into me. Even though generally I get the feeling that he is into me more than I am into him. Help me wrap my head around this. I wasn't going to mention it to him at all and see if he would bring anything up. If he does, what should I say? Am I justified in feeling this way and deleting the pictures or am I being Petty? If you think I should bring it up (I tend to try to not sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills) how do you suggest I word things?
Well, I decided to finally look through his pictures today and noticed that his ex-girlfriend from 2011 has made many appearances in his photo albums. They were only together for a few months (dating) and he said they never even explicitly had the talk about being a couple. Yet, there she is, all over his facebook.
He would have NO reason to be ashamed of me. I take very good care of myself: I'm thin, long hair, great skin, pretty face and he tells me I am pretty all the time. His friends also stare at me all the time whenever I go out with them because I take pride in dressing up and looking my best (doing my makeup, always wearing heels). The only thing I can think of is that I am black and he is White (european) but before I removed the pics of him I had him tagged which means our pics were showing up on his timeline and he never removed them.
I don't know what to make of this. It's giving me the gut feeling that he is just not all that into me. Even though generally I get the feeling that he is into me more than I am into him. Help me wrap my head around this. I wasn't going to mention it to him at all and see if he would bring anything up. If he does, what should I say? Am I justified in feeling this way and deleting the pictures or am I being Petty? If you think I should bring it up (I tend to try to not sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills) how do you suggest I word things?
Oh my god just talk to him. You have a right to feel how you feel but stewing over it does you no good.
posted by mskyle at 6:19 AM on March 6, 2013 [87 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 6:19 AM on March 6, 2013 [87 favorites]
I think your feelings are justified and your actions are petty. If he doesn't care about Facebook, deleting your pictures of him will have zero effect. If he does care about Facebook, all you did was add fuel to the fire. You need to tell him how you feel and see how he responds.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:19 AM on March 6, 2013 [19 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:19 AM on March 6, 2013 [19 favorites]
There's way more to his feelings for you than whether or not he puts your pictures on Facebook. Talk to him about it, but don't make this a dealbreaker -- some people just don't live for Facebook. I'm sure he thinks you're pretty, but maybe he also likes the intangible qualities about you that he can't capture in a photograph.
So don't overthink it, just ask him about it.
posted by mibo at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2013
So don't overthink it, just ask him about it.
posted by mibo at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2013
Deleting the pictures is really, really passive-aggressive. Is there a genuine issue here? That's up to you and your boyfriend and how integrated Facebook is into your lives. Some people may say "oh it's just Facebook, what does it matter?" but that's being really facile about things. If it matters to you, then it matters. If it matters to you but doesn't matter to him, then you need to chill out on this specific thing, or if it really, really bugs you, figure out a compromise of some sort. But you're asking us a dozen questions you should be asking him before you go and stir shit up by deleting a bunch of his pictures out of nowhere.
posted by griphus at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by griphus at 6:20 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
If you think I should bring it up (I tend to try to not sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills) how do you suggest I word things?
"Hey, I noticed that you've never posted a photo of me on Facebook. What's the deal with that?"
posted by Rock Steady at 6:21 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
"Hey, I noticed that you've never posted a photo of me on Facebook. What's the deal with that?"
posted by Rock Steady at 6:21 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
And, yeah, like TPS says, if Facebook doesn't matter to him, you deleting his pictures isn't going to open up a conversation about it. If it does, then it's probably the worst way to open that conversation.
posted by griphus at 6:22 AM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 6:22 AM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
This all sounds like manufactured drama in your head. You have no idea what's going on until you ask him about it. If you can't ask your boyfriend why he doesn't have photos of you on Facebook, you really shouldn't be dating him in the first place.
posted by xingcat at 6:23 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:23 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Mod note: Constructive helpful answers folks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:31 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:31 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wasn't going to mention it to him at all and see if he would bring anything up.
This will never, ever, ever have good results. Communicate with people! Especially those that you're in a relationship with! It'll get you really far, I promise!
posted by wrok at 6:35 AM on March 6, 2013 [59 favorites]
This will never, ever, ever have good results. Communicate with people! Especially those that you're in a relationship with! It'll get you really far, I promise!
posted by wrok at 6:35 AM on March 6, 2013 [59 favorites]
Well...I don't think he's ashamed of you, because otherwise he wouldn't be bringing you out with his friends and to hang out with his cousins. On the other hand, maybe some folks in his life wouldn't be cool with him being in an inter-racial relationship, and might make things hard for him if they see him dating you. Not trying to stir up trouble, but it is one possibility....
Another possibility is that posting pics of you two together feels like a very serious thing to him, like a declaration to the world that you guys are serious, and therefore he's waiting until he feels sure that things are real between the two of you.
But...I think it's more likely that he just doesn't see facebook as all that important, and hasn't given this issue any thought one way or another :)
I think you should bring the topic up with him, but maybe keep the conversation light and neutral, because there's every chance in the world that this isn't nearly as big of an issue as your heart is making it feel right now.
posted by MrOlenCanter at 6:36 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another possibility is that posting pics of you two together feels like a very serious thing to him, like a declaration to the world that you guys are serious, and therefore he's waiting until he feels sure that things are real between the two of you.
But...I think it's more likely that he just doesn't see facebook as all that important, and hasn't given this issue any thought one way or another :)
I think you should bring the topic up with him, but maybe keep the conversation light and neutral, because there's every chance in the world that this isn't nearly as big of an issue as your heart is making it feel right now.
posted by MrOlenCanter at 6:36 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Talk! Talk! Talk! Your life is going to be so, so much easier if you start talking about things that concern you right away rather than sitting around wondering what's going on and making up elaborate scenarios in your head in which people are wronging you. You don't know what's going on, and neither do we. Only one person does, and that's him. So ask him.
posted by something something at 6:36 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:36 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Have you met his parents yet? It's possible that they aren't all that supportive of you (whether it's because of the interracial thing, class differences, a insular religion, or simply some random weirdness) and he is simply is trying to prep them for meeting you in such a way that they can overcome their inherent prejudices. For example, talking about all the positive things you do to improve his life will gradually give them a good opinion of you, even if they haven't met you yet. Then when you finally do meet them in person and they find you don't meet their expectations in terms of X (whether X is religion/race/college degree) they will be inclined to like you regardless. That's not shame: that's strategy.
Of course, your theory about him being ashamed does also fit all the available facts, so I wouldn't write that off either. I'd say that we need more information before drawing a conclusion - and for that matter, so do you.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:37 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
Of course, your theory about him being ashamed does also fit all the available facts, so I wouldn't write that off either. I'd say that we need more information before drawing a conclusion - and for that matter, so do you.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:37 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
I post pictures of everyone except
my husband. In part because he's very much into his own privacy, but mostly because I just want him to be mine, just mine. Yeah, silly, I know.
My point is that he may have an innoccuous reason for not posting your pics but you'll never know if you don't ask. And he'll never know it hurts your feelings and makes you question his unless you tell him.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:38 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
my husband. In part because he's very much into his own privacy, but mostly because I just want him to be mine, just mine. Yeah, silly, I know.
My point is that he may have an innoccuous reason for not posting your pics but you'll never know if you don't ask. And he'll never know it hurts your feelings and makes you question his unless you tell him.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:38 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
(I tend to try to not sweat the small stuff or make mountains out of molehills)
You are out of touch with reality in this regard.
This is drama for the sake of drama. Perhaps this is a generational issue, but I am a married man in my late 30s and my wife and I are not even Facebook "friends". It has never occurred to me to even wonder if she has any pictures of me on her Facebook profile. As far as I can tell, it is usually pictures of our kids, gatherings with her friends, or things she ate that day. Similarly, my wife might be in three pictures between all of my albums. We are not very concerned about this very trivial thing.
I do not think you have anything of value to say about the pictures he chooses to post on his Facebook profile.
posted by Tanizaki at 6:39 AM on March 6, 2013 [14 favorites]
You are out of touch with reality in this regard.
This is drama for the sake of drama. Perhaps this is a generational issue, but I am a married man in my late 30s and my wife and I are not even Facebook "friends". It has never occurred to me to even wonder if she has any pictures of me on her Facebook profile. As far as I can tell, it is usually pictures of our kids, gatherings with her friends, or things she ate that day. Similarly, my wife might be in three pictures between all of my albums. We are not very concerned about this very trivial thing.
I do not think you have anything of value to say about the pictures he chooses to post on his Facebook profile.
posted by Tanizaki at 6:39 AM on March 6, 2013 [14 favorites]
The only real solution is to ask him about it, since it bugs you. It's perfectly fine for it to bug you, and it's perfectly fine for you to ask him about it.
This is pure speculation, but does his family know you're dating? You mentioned you're black and he's white; it could be that he's afraid that/knows for a fact that some member or members of his family are racist and will flip their shit and cause drama if they know he's dating a black woman. Or it could be his ex is crazy or it could be a bunch of stuff. The only way to find out is to ask him.
posted by Diablevert at 6:40 AM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is pure speculation, but does his family know you're dating? You mentioned you're black and he's white; it could be that he's afraid that/knows for a fact that some member or members of his family are racist and will flip their shit and cause drama if they know he's dating a black woman. Or it could be his ex is crazy or it could be a bunch of stuff. The only way to find out is to ask him.
posted by Diablevert at 6:40 AM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Today I deleted all the pictures (20 or so) that I had of my boyfriend on my facebook. Please tell me whether or not I am justified or if you would've done the same.
It's totally okay to delete pictures from your facebook if that's what you want to do. However, you deleted photos to send a message to your boyfriend instead of sitting down and telling him something he is doing is bothering you - that is very passive agressive and very likely to create problems. What if he actually doesn't notice that you deleted the photos? What if he notices you deleted them, but thinks you did it because you're about to break up with him? This kind of action is the perfect setup for a lot of misunderstanding and even more hurt feelings.
It's okay that it bothers you that he doesn't post pictures of you on facebook. I'd ask him why. Maybe he has a good reason, maybe he doesn't - you won't know until you ask.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:41 AM on March 6, 2013 [15 favorites]
It's totally okay to delete pictures from your facebook if that's what you want to do. However, you deleted photos to send a message to your boyfriend instead of sitting down and telling him something he is doing is bothering you - that is very passive agressive and very likely to create problems. What if he actually doesn't notice that you deleted the photos? What if he notices you deleted them, but thinks you did it because you're about to break up with him? This kind of action is the perfect setup for a lot of misunderstanding and even more hurt feelings.
It's okay that it bothers you that he doesn't post pictures of you on facebook. I'd ask him why. Maybe he has a good reason, maybe he doesn't - you won't know until you ask.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:41 AM on March 6, 2013 [15 favorites]
I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh and not really grasping how much of a role Facebook plays in our society now.
This is not an issue of whether or not FB should be relevant in relationships; it IS relevant in the OP's life as she is obviously a regular user. And her boyfriend is a user too, as evidenced by his recent posting of 42 photos. Therefore, in this context, she is justified in observing his FB behaviour and being troubled by it. FB is a medium that many people use to display their lives to the world, and most users are VERY savvy about what they're doing. Compare it to an office desk. If her boyfriend had several pictures of his ex from 2 years ago on his desk at work, but none of her, would that not be disconcerting?
OP, I would be confused and hurt too if I were in your shoes. The fact that he is using FB to share pictures but none that contain you is confusing. The only thing you can do here is talk to him about it. Don't be ashamed of feeling hurt, either. Be honest and tell him how this makes you feel.
posted by yawper at 6:42 AM on March 6, 2013 [21 favorites]
This is not an issue of whether or not FB should be relevant in relationships; it IS relevant in the OP's life as she is obviously a regular user. And her boyfriend is a user too, as evidenced by his recent posting of 42 photos. Therefore, in this context, she is justified in observing his FB behaviour and being troubled by it. FB is a medium that many people use to display their lives to the world, and most users are VERY savvy about what they're doing. Compare it to an office desk. If her boyfriend had several pictures of his ex from 2 years ago on his desk at work, but none of her, would that not be disconcerting?
OP, I would be confused and hurt too if I were in your shoes. The fact that he is using FB to share pictures but none that contain you is confusing. The only thing you can do here is talk to him about it. Don't be ashamed of feeling hurt, either. Be honest and tell him how this makes you feel.
posted by yawper at 6:42 AM on March 6, 2013 [21 favorites]
Well, anecdata: my boyfriend of more than a year, who I live with, has never posted a single picture of me on facebook. Some people just aren't into putting their personal lives on the internet.
The only way you will know for certain is if you ask your gentleman. Don't give in to stewing or spitefulness. They're seductive impulses, but bad news for healthy relationships.
posted by baby beluga at 6:44 AM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
The only way you will know for certain is if you ask your gentleman. Don't give in to stewing or spitefulness. They're seductive impulses, but bad news for healthy relationships.
posted by baby beluga at 6:44 AM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Some people just aren't into putting their personal lives on the internet.
But her boyfriend is! That is the point that many are missing. He is using FB to share other aspects of his life but excluding her. That's why she is confused and upset.
posted by yawper at 6:47 AM on March 6, 2013 [20 favorites]
But her boyfriend is! That is the point that many are missing. He is using FB to share other aspects of his life but excluding her. That's why she is confused and upset.
posted by yawper at 6:47 AM on March 6, 2013 [20 favorites]
Yeah I wouldn't post pics of my boyfriend of two months for no other reason than I wouldn't want to deal with my second cousin once removed calling up my grandmother asking when the wedding was. And then my grandma calling me up and wanting to know all about him and wanting to meet him and know all about his family and then being upset if we broke up.
I think there are a lot of valid reasons he hasn't posted pictures of you that range from being oblivious to facebook is no longer reserved for close friends, and even with the security settings, he just doesn't want anyone and everyone in his personal life this early in a relationship. If you've met his friends, he isn't hiding you or ashamed of you.
If this really bothers you, and it clearly does, just ask him. You're going to look a little silly, but it's sometimes better to just embrace your insecurities than to let them fester.
posted by whoaali at 6:51 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think there are a lot of valid reasons he hasn't posted pictures of you that range from being oblivious to facebook is no longer reserved for close friends, and even with the security settings, he just doesn't want anyone and everyone in his personal life this early in a relationship. If you've met his friends, he isn't hiding you or ashamed of you.
If this really bothers you, and it clearly does, just ask him. You're going to look a little silly, but it's sometimes better to just embrace your insecurities than to let them fester.
posted by whoaali at 6:51 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
It is always, always better to ask someone about something rather than speculating.
Even when you're afraid of what the answer might be. As someone very wise once told me, "if you ask and get an answer, then you will have information, and information is never bad, even if it's information you don't like." What she means is, right now you're guessing and wondering about what's going on, but you're not sure, so it's keeping you from really acting. But if you ask him what's going on, and he tells you something -- even if you don't like it, now you'll KNOW what's going on, and you can actually do something about it.
Ask him why he doesn't post pictures of you and always posts pictures of his ex, because then when he tells you, you will have information.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:56 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
Even when you're afraid of what the answer might be. As someone very wise once told me, "if you ask and get an answer, then you will have information, and information is never bad, even if it's information you don't like." What she means is, right now you're guessing and wondering about what's going on, but you're not sure, so it's keeping you from really acting. But if you ask him what's going on, and he tells you something -- even if you don't like it, now you'll KNOW what's going on, and you can actually do something about it.
Ask him why he doesn't post pictures of you and always posts pictures of his ex, because then when he tells you, you will have information.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:56 AM on March 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
The problem with a move like deleting your pictures and hoping that sends your boyfriend a message is that even if he actually DOES get the message (and as others have pointed out, that's not at all guaranteed), if he doesn't want to have the discussion you want to have all he has to do is not say anything, and insist he didn't know what was up when you do eventually boil over about it. Worst case scenario, a) at that point you are FAR angrier than you initially were just because you've been stewing for however long, and/or b) your fight ends up being about whether he really was oblivious or not, completely overlooking what you were upset about in the first place.
It's okay to be upset if you're upset, but you've got to talk to your partner. You say you don't want to make mountains out of molehills, but bottling your emotions and waiting for someone else to realize you're upset is a perfect recipe for doing just that.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:58 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's okay to be upset if you're upset, but you've got to talk to your partner. You say you don't want to make mountains out of molehills, but bottling your emotions and waiting for someone else to realize you're upset is a perfect recipe for doing just that.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:58 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I take very good care of myself: I'm thin, long hair, great skin, pretty face and he tells me I am pretty all the time. His friends also stare at me all the time whenever I go out with them because I take pride in dressing up and looking my best (doing my makeup, always wearing heels).
Was the previous, Facebook-documented girlfriend like this, or rather more casual...?
You need to talk to him, like everybody else said; you are only going to get guesses here. Mine is: maybe he's a pretty casual dude and something about the always-in-heels is awkward for him. I'm reaching, but I don't actually know anybody like this (always wearing heels, make-up, dressed up) and in my circles that would stand out, a lot.
Yes, the deletion was petty. But, leverage it to use it to start an honest conversation: "I know this is going to sound very silly, but I can't help wondering about why there aren't pictures of me on your Facebook. I actually got so bothered by it that I went and deleted my pictures of you! Which I now feel silly about, and which made me realise that for whatever reason, this is an issue for me, and we need to talk it through..."
posted by kmennie at 6:59 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Was the previous, Facebook-documented girlfriend like this, or rather more casual...?
You need to talk to him, like everybody else said; you are only going to get guesses here. Mine is: maybe he's a pretty casual dude and something about the always-in-heels is awkward for him. I'm reaching, but I don't actually know anybody like this (always wearing heels, make-up, dressed up) and in my circles that would stand out, a lot.
Yes, the deletion was petty. But, leverage it to use it to start an honest conversation: "I know this is going to sound very silly, but I can't help wondering about why there aren't pictures of me on your Facebook. I actually got so bothered by it that I went and deleted my pictures of you! Which I now feel silly about, and which made me realise that for whatever reason, this is an issue for me, and we need to talk it through..."
posted by kmennie at 6:59 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think it is fair to be bothered by it, but you need to talk to him in a direct, clear, grown up way. No half messages or passive-aggressive acts. Just say "Hey boyfriend, it is weird and kind of bothers me that there isn't a single picture of me on your facebook. Is there a reason?"
another piece of anecdata: my boyfriend and I had been together for probably 4 months before he even friended me on facebook, let alone put pictures of me there. It had NOTHING to do with me or him being ashamed of me. He just wasn't that in to facebook and for the most part the only people he was friends with on facebook were nosy family members and people he went to school with that he doesn't really know. He just didn't want to deal with the questions and stuff. Eventually he did friend me and set his status to "in a relationship with [puppetMcSockerson]". Sure enough, loads of messages and comments and "Ooo, who is that" flooded in for him, but he dealt with it. Now that all that crap is done with he posts pictures of me and whatnot without thinking twice about it. The day he proposed he changed his status to "Engaged to [PuppetMcSockerson]" and well, there you go.
So don't assume he is ashamed of you. Maybe he is, but I wouldn't leap to that conclusion. You need to ask him to know what is actually going on, and you are allowed to tell him that it bothers you and makes you feel as though he is ashamed of you or something.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:00 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
another piece of anecdata: my boyfriend and I had been together for probably 4 months before he even friended me on facebook, let alone put pictures of me there. It had NOTHING to do with me or him being ashamed of me. He just wasn't that in to facebook and for the most part the only people he was friends with on facebook were nosy family members and people he went to school with that he doesn't really know. He just didn't want to deal with the questions and stuff. Eventually he did friend me and set his status to "in a relationship with [puppetMcSockerson]". Sure enough, loads of messages and comments and "Ooo, who is that" flooded in for him, but he dealt with it. Now that all that crap is done with he posts pictures of me and whatnot without thinking twice about it. The day he proposed he changed his status to "Engaged to [PuppetMcSockerson]" and well, there you go.
So don't assume he is ashamed of you. Maybe he is, but I wouldn't leap to that conclusion. You need to ask him to know what is actually going on, and you are allowed to tell him that it bothers you and makes you feel as though he is ashamed of you or something.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:00 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Maybe he was just more 'into' Facebook in 2011, when he posted the pics of his ex.
Maybe she jumped up and down and made a fuss because he hadn't posted any pics of her, so he posted them to shut her up, but secretly thought she was being ridiculous, and that's one of the reasons why she's his ex.
Maybe he thinks 2 months is too soon to invite comment on his personal life from all his FB 'friends'.
See how I just came up with 3 reasons on the spot, none of which have anything to do with him 'not being into you'?
Deleting photos of him from your FB as 'revenge' is petty, and you know it. You're better than that. Seriously, do yourself and him a favour, and talk to him. Don't make it a big honking deal, but ask him when you're both chilled. His response, both verbal and otherwise, will tell you what you need to know.
posted by Salamander at 7:10 AM on March 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
Maybe she jumped up and down and made a fuss because he hadn't posted any pics of her, so he posted them to shut her up, but secretly thought she was being ridiculous, and that's one of the reasons why she's his ex.
Maybe he thinks 2 months is too soon to invite comment on his personal life from all his FB 'friends'.
See how I just came up with 3 reasons on the spot, none of which have anything to do with him 'not being into you'?
Deleting photos of him from your FB as 'revenge' is petty, and you know it. You're better than that. Seriously, do yourself and him a favour, and talk to him. Don't make it a big honking deal, but ask him when you're both chilled. His response, both verbal and otherwise, will tell you what you need to know.
posted by Salamander at 7:10 AM on March 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
A bit of this is generational perhaps. I get that FB can be important to younger people in many ways. For example, My SO rarely puts pictures of my lovely self on FB -- I rarely do too-- group shots at events or such. But FB for me is just random silly stuff sometimes -- not a encapsulation of my real life. Also, my relationship status has never been posted -- just a preference.
But this is not really about FB I think -- it is about something else. The only way to find out is to ask him. It could be a lot of reasons -- find out.
posted by Lescha at 7:22 AM on March 6, 2013
But this is not really about FB I think -- it is about something else. The only way to find out is to ask him. It could be a lot of reasons -- find out.
posted by Lescha at 7:22 AM on March 6, 2013
Does he post about you on Facebook in general? Do his statuses talk about you? Are you listed as his 'in a relationship'? Does he write lovey-dovey shit on your wall or in reply to your statuses?
Because if not, you might want to give some consideration to a) whether he actually thinks you're actually his girlfriend and b) whether you're his only girlfriend.
Deleting all your pictures of him is petty and childish, by the way, and not likely to lead to anything useful. A picture is worth a thousand words, but deleting a picture is worth no words at all. You're going to need actual words in an actual conversation with him to figure this out.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:29 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Because if not, you might want to give some consideration to a) whether he actually thinks you're actually his girlfriend and b) whether you're his only girlfriend.
Deleting all your pictures of him is petty and childish, by the way, and not likely to lead to anything useful. A picture is worth a thousand words, but deleting a picture is worth no words at all. You're going to need actual words in an actual conversation with him to figure this out.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:29 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've said: "though generally I get the feeling that he is into me more than I am into him."
That alone could be the reason. I certainly would not post photos of a girl I am not sure of her feelings just to avoid future possible explanations why I an no longer with her.
posted by przepla at 7:50 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
That alone could be the reason. I certainly would not post photos of a girl I am not sure of her feelings just to avoid future possible explanations why I an no longer with her.
posted by przepla at 7:50 AM on March 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
That he posted pictures of his cousin could just mean that his cousin said "hey, will you post these pictures to FB?" People choose to reveal things for different reasons, and guessing based on what they reveal isn't going to work in a lot of cases. Someone might easily conclude that OP's deletion means a breakup, when we know it doesn't.
Coded FB communication really isn't a substitute for real communication in any matter of importance, and relationship matters are matters of importance.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:54 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Coded FB communication really isn't a substitute for real communication in any matter of importance, and relationship matters are matters of importance.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:54 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
At first, I thought - well, maybe he's just the kind of guy who doesn't post a lot of pictures or goes on fb much. Except, he just posted 42 pictures of him and (mostly his cousin) who has come to recently visit him in our city.
Is this pretty much all he's posted recently? It's not clear if he's using Facebook all the time, or if he posted a blitz of photos and updates for the first time in a couple weeks.
If this was one of, you know, half a dozen posts since you got together, stop freaking out. My Facebook page has almost no photos of my partner, but has a bunch of my relatives, because those are the people I'm using Facebook for. The fact that you first thought that he might be the kind of guy who doesn't go on Facebook much makes me think that this is a likely scenario. If it is, my advice is drop it and move on.
If he's posting all the time, ask yourself if this is the hill you want to die on. Are you guys exclusive? Have you had a talk about that, or are you assuming? If you haven't talked about it, you can't assume that he's on the same page you are, and expecting him to play by those rules, for lack of a better phrase, is unfair and sets both of you up to fail.
The ex is a red herring. People change, the way that they use things change, etc. Was he in school with her when he posted those, perhaps? Maybe they were in other clubs together, or remained friends after they broke up. (Or were good friends before they got together--who knows.) Maybe he had a job that required he be active on Facebook, and photos of her seemed like as good an option as anything else. (I've had this job--it's not unheard of.)
Figure out what you want from this before you do anything else. Is "pictures of me on your Facebook page" a dealbreaker for your relationship? Are you ok with him apologizing and then still not putting up pictures of you? It's going to be a much easier discussion if you know going in that you'll walk if he doesn't X or Y, or if you at least know what acceptable end results would be for you.
Finally, though this isn't directly related--please, for your own sake, try to rid yourself of the idea that it would ever by ok for a partner to be "ashamed" of someone they were dating. Even if you took horrible care of yourself, wore the same outfit for a week, and gained seven hundred pounds, you would still be worth of love and respect especially if that someone was dating you. If anyone thinks that you're good enough to fuck but not good enough to introduce to their friends, they are not good enough for you.
posted by MeghanC at 8:01 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is this pretty much all he's posted recently? It's not clear if he's using Facebook all the time, or if he posted a blitz of photos and updates for the first time in a couple weeks.
If this was one of, you know, half a dozen posts since you got together, stop freaking out. My Facebook page has almost no photos of my partner, but has a bunch of my relatives, because those are the people I'm using Facebook for. The fact that you first thought that he might be the kind of guy who doesn't go on Facebook much makes me think that this is a likely scenario. If it is, my advice is drop it and move on.
If he's posting all the time, ask yourself if this is the hill you want to die on. Are you guys exclusive? Have you had a talk about that, or are you assuming? If you haven't talked about it, you can't assume that he's on the same page you are, and expecting him to play by those rules, for lack of a better phrase, is unfair and sets both of you up to fail.
The ex is a red herring. People change, the way that they use things change, etc. Was he in school with her when he posted those, perhaps? Maybe they were in other clubs together, or remained friends after they broke up. (Or were good friends before they got together--who knows.) Maybe he had a job that required he be active on Facebook, and photos of her seemed like as good an option as anything else. (I've had this job--it's not unheard of.)
Figure out what you want from this before you do anything else. Is "pictures of me on your Facebook page" a dealbreaker for your relationship? Are you ok with him apologizing and then still not putting up pictures of you? It's going to be a much easier discussion if you know going in that you'll walk if he doesn't X or Y, or if you at least know what acceptable end results would be for you.
Finally, though this isn't directly related--please, for your own sake, try to rid yourself of the idea that it would ever by ok for a partner to be "ashamed" of someone they were dating. Even if you took horrible care of yourself, wore the same outfit for a week, and gained seven hundred pounds, you would still be worth of love and respect especially if that someone was dating you. If anyone thinks that you're good enough to fuck but not good enough to introduce to their friends, they are not good enough for you.
posted by MeghanC at 8:01 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Maybe he thinks 2 months is too soon to invite comment on his personal life from all his FB 'friends'.
This is why I never post pictures or updates. Some people like to keep that part of their life private, especially from people who they might not be that great of everyday friends with.
posted by Bunglegirl at 8:04 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is why I never post pictures or updates. Some people like to keep that part of their life private, especially from people who they might not be that great of everyday friends with.
posted by Bunglegirl at 8:04 AM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
You mention the ex-girlfriend that he only dated for a few months being all over his FB albums--maybe he learned a lesson last time? Perhaps he made their relationship very public and then got burned when it ended shortly thereafter.
It's not wrong to be curious about this, but it seems like you're fixating on it and ignoring the other evidence that your relationship is progressing at a healthy rate. He takes you out to meet friends and family, he didn't untag himself in the photos you post of the two of you, and you generally get the feeling that he's into you--except for this one thing. If this were part of a pattern of him keeping you out of his life, then you might have more reason to be worried. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
You should talk to him. Don't wait for him to ask why you deleted the photos. Ask to understand his feelings, and don't accuse him of being ashamed of you. Something like, "Hey boyfriend, I noticed that you don't post many pictures of us on facebook and I'm wondering why." If he needs a little more help understanding what you're asking, you could say, "I really like sharing pictures of us with my family and friends, but I noticed that you haven't done that yet. Is there any specific reason?"
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:28 AM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
It's not wrong to be curious about this, but it seems like you're fixating on it and ignoring the other evidence that your relationship is progressing at a healthy rate. He takes you out to meet friends and family, he didn't untag himself in the photos you post of the two of you, and you generally get the feeling that he's into you--except for this one thing. If this were part of a pattern of him keeping you out of his life, then you might have more reason to be worried. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
You should talk to him. Don't wait for him to ask why you deleted the photos. Ask to understand his feelings, and don't accuse him of being ashamed of you. Something like, "Hey boyfriend, I noticed that you don't post many pictures of us on facebook and I'm wondering why." If he needs a little more help understanding what you're asking, you could say, "I really like sharing pictures of us with my family and friends, but I noticed that you haven't done that yet. Is there any specific reason?"
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 8:28 AM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
You've been dating him a short while and he's already confusing you/making you feel bad or not as liked as his ex. You feel like there's some hesitance on his part.
I would give him a chance to explain. But if he says it's nothing, then I would reevaluate how I felt after a little while. If you still get the sense that he might be unwilling to put up pictures because of your race or because you feel hurt by it, then I'd break up with him.
In the end, you shouldn't have to worry about stuff like this. If he's ashamed of you or not willing to go public about dating someone of a different race, then don't put yourself through that and suffer because he feels weird about it.
posted by discopolo at 8:53 AM on March 6, 2013
I would give him a chance to explain. But if he says it's nothing, then I would reevaluate how I felt after a little while. If you still get the sense that he might be unwilling to put up pictures because of your race or because you feel hurt by it, then I'd break up with him.
In the end, you shouldn't have to worry about stuff like this. If he's ashamed of you or not willing to go public about dating someone of a different race, then don't put yourself through that and suffer because he feels weird about it.
posted by discopolo at 8:53 AM on March 6, 2013
From your question, I would guess that you are fairly young. One thing you learn as you get older is that the only effective way to solve relationship problems is to discuss them. Anything else you do will be a bandaid at best, and will more likely make things worse.
If it hurts you that he won't post photo's of you on his facebook, tell him that. Give him a chance to explain himself. If he says that he just isn't that into facebook, and that it doesn't mean anything that he hasn't posted a photo, than ask him specifically to post a photo of the two of you. Tell him that it would mean a lot to you, and that right now you feel like he is ashamed of you.
If you want this relationship to last, you will have to learn to communicate with each other about the things that bother you. It may turn out that the relationship isn't meant to last, in which case it's best to figure that out now and move on.
posted by markblasco at 9:02 AM on March 6, 2013
If it hurts you that he won't post photo's of you on his facebook, tell him that. Give him a chance to explain himself. If he says that he just isn't that into facebook, and that it doesn't mean anything that he hasn't posted a photo, than ask him specifically to post a photo of the two of you. Tell him that it would mean a lot to you, and that right now you feel like he is ashamed of you.
If you want this relationship to last, you will have to learn to communicate with each other about the things that bother you. It may turn out that the relationship isn't meant to last, in which case it's best to figure that out now and move on.
posted by markblasco at 9:02 AM on March 6, 2013
Honestly, my first read of it is this...he got burned going public too soon with an ex and doesn't want to jinx things by posting pictures of you two together so soon.
But if you want to know for sure, ask him. And he might ask you why you don't have any of him now that you deleted them all.
posted by inturnaround at 9:04 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
But if you want to know for sure, ask him. And he might ask you why you don't have any of him now that you deleted them all.
posted by inturnaround at 9:04 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
My first thought is that you haven't been dating very long and he doesn't want to rush to announce your relationship to the entire world. Maybe he's not ready for every friend, coworker, cousin, former roommate, grandparents calling him up and asking him all about you.
Maybe he'd rather introduce you to his family instead of having them see his facebook posts and google-stalk you (because that's the first thing my mom would do).
Even if your bf does notice you deleted all the pictures of the two of you, that doesn't mean he's going to get the message you intended to send.
We can only wildly speculate, the only person who can answer your question is your boyfriend.
posted by inertia at 11:45 AM on March 6, 2013
Maybe he'd rather introduce you to his family instead of having them see his facebook posts and google-stalk you (because that's the first thing my mom would do).
Even if your bf does notice you deleted all the pictures of the two of you, that doesn't mean he's going to get the message you intended to send.
We can only wildly speculate, the only person who can answer your question is your boyfriend.
posted by inertia at 11:45 AM on March 6, 2013
Today I deleted all the pictures (20 or so) that I had of my boyfriend on my facebook.
once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me
The only thing I can think of is that I am black and he is White
He would have NO reason to be ashamed of me
Well, I decided to finally look through his pictures today and noticed...
This issue has very little to do with him, or any future boyfriend. I would work towards introspection for answers.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:49 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me
The only thing I can think of is that I am black and he is White
He would have NO reason to be ashamed of me
Well, I decided to finally look through his pictures today and noticed...
This issue has very little to do with him, or any future boyfriend. I would work towards introspection for answers.
posted by Kruger5 at 11:49 AM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
My husband and I have been married for 3+ years. I only recently added that to Facebook. There have been pictures of him on Facebook, including pictures from our wedding. But I never put on Facebook that I was engaged or in a relationship with him. My opinion was, you either know us well enough to know that we're together or it's none of your business.
Years and years ago, before Facebook, this girl I had been friends with came up to me and my boyfriend at a concert. She said to him, "Well, I've heard so much about you!" I hadn't talked to this girl in months. That really rubbed me the wrong way.
If you look at my posts, you'll see that I talk about my husband a lot, probably too much. That's because I'm crazy about him. But I don't feel the need to shout that we're together from the rooftops. I love him and I'm happy but I think that people who don't know us and don't need to know that we're together ... don't need to know that we're together.
posted by kat518 at 12:03 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Years and years ago, before Facebook, this girl I had been friends with came up to me and my boyfriend at a concert. She said to him, "Well, I've heard so much about you!" I hadn't talked to this girl in months. That really rubbed me the wrong way.
If you look at my posts, you'll see that I talk about my husband a lot, probably too much. That's because I'm crazy about him. But I don't feel the need to shout that we're together from the rooftops. I love him and I'm happy but I think that people who don't know us and don't need to know that we're together ... don't need to know that we're together.
posted by kat518 at 12:03 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I say this all the time, but: if you find yourself genuinely upset about something that happens on Facebook, the solution is to spend much less time on Facebook, possibly no time at all.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:57 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:57 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm 5 months pregnant and I haven't mentioned it on FB, in fact I won't until the baby is born. Because it's not important? Heck no, it's the biggest thing happening in my life right now. Precisely because it is important - it's not open for public consumption. Someone I worked with 3 jobs ago doesn't need to hear about my sore back and I don't want to show them my expanding body, or open myself up to constant well meaning questions.
I believe not everything in life needs to be on display all the time and I should be able to choose if or when to reveal things about my life. It may seem quite old fashioned in this age of instant over sharing, but maybe your boyfriend feels the same way?
posted by Jubey at 1:36 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I believe not everything in life needs to be on display all the time and I should be able to choose if or when to reveal things about my life. It may seem quite old fashioned in this age of instant over sharing, but maybe your boyfriend feels the same way?
posted by Jubey at 1:36 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
This issue has very little to do with him, or any future boyfriend. I would work towards introspection for answers.
I don't think so. I think her guy is telling her something. I wish more women would listen to their gut and really think about how they're feeling in a relationship rather than be told they're being irrational and needlessly anxious or making mountains out of molehills.
You're getting a sense something isn't right. Ask him. If his answer seems dismissive or strikes you as untrue or not quite right, then leave the relationship. You're young and attractive. You shouldn't have to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel hidden or one that makes you think he's ashamed of you or doesn't want to be publicly linked with you.
For what it's worth, my friend's boyfriend of 10 years did something on FB where it only showed up as being in a relationship on her page and on his dad's page, but was hidden from all this friends. He was in his late 30s doing this stuff. She discovered that and he denied ever doing that himself. Just pretended he hadn't set it up that way. Later she found out he'd listed being interested in singles groups on Meetup. He'd had a lot of secrets. She always accepted his explanations thinking she was anxious, but after 7 years of cohabitation and even getting engaged, it turned out he had a ton of secrets. I don't know if it was a racial thing but his friends were pretty exclusively white and from Indiana, and she's a drop dead gorgeous woman of Thai descent who was six years younger than him. He was a pretty self obsessed guy and ended up being really abusive towards her during their breakup, in ways that he never treated the woman he was with before her who was also white.
Not to say your guy is racist. It's just that he may have issues with race he's not clear about. Something's not quite right though, and it comes out in ways that make you feel like something isn't right. Don't second guess yourself. There are lots of guys out there who don't have issues.
posted by discopolo at 1:56 PM on March 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
I don't think so. I think her guy is telling her something. I wish more women would listen to their gut and really think about how they're feeling in a relationship rather than be told they're being irrational and needlessly anxious or making mountains out of molehills.
You're getting a sense something isn't right. Ask him. If his answer seems dismissive or strikes you as untrue or not quite right, then leave the relationship. You're young and attractive. You shouldn't have to be in a relationship with someone that makes you feel hidden or one that makes you think he's ashamed of you or doesn't want to be publicly linked with you.
For what it's worth, my friend's boyfriend of 10 years did something on FB where it only showed up as being in a relationship on her page and on his dad's page, but was hidden from all this friends. He was in his late 30s doing this stuff. She discovered that and he denied ever doing that himself. Just pretended he hadn't set it up that way. Later she found out he'd listed being interested in singles groups on Meetup. He'd had a lot of secrets. She always accepted his explanations thinking she was anxious, but after 7 years of cohabitation and even getting engaged, it turned out he had a ton of secrets. I don't know if it was a racial thing but his friends were pretty exclusively white and from Indiana, and she's a drop dead gorgeous woman of Thai descent who was six years younger than him. He was a pretty self obsessed guy and ended up being really abusive towards her during their breakup, in ways that he never treated the woman he was with before her who was also white.
Not to say your guy is racist. It's just that he may have issues with race he's not clear about. Something's not quite right though, and it comes out in ways that make you feel like something isn't right. Don't second guess yourself. There are lots of guys out there who don't have issues.
posted by discopolo at 1:56 PM on March 6, 2013 [9 favorites]
Jesus, there are a lot of answers in here that i think are beanplating the shit out of this.
To be clear, i don't think there's anything wrong with being bothered by this, but i do think stewing about it and inventing up awful reasons for what could be happening is troublesome. You've already been told by multiple people to just talk to him, and not try passive aggressive stuff, so i'll let that part sit.
What i will say, is that I've been the guy in this situation. Multiple times. 2 different girls I've dated have made a big deal out of this, or repeatedly chided me about it.
The answers mentioning not wanting to broadcast "hey look i'm in a relationship!" 2 months in are pretty spot on IMO. As are the ones of not wanting to generally post super couple-y lovey dovey things on there in general.
Does he write stuff on your wall all the time and do super cheesy romantic stuff on facebook otherwise?
I also, unlike a lot of other people here, think that some type of "huh, what do you mean?" reply does not make him some asshole playing a game. My reaction to it the first time it got brought up was about the same as it is now, a combination of that and "well uh, i don't really do that type of thing anyways".
I definitely think he could have been prodded in to posting a bunch of stuff by his ex, and that it probably annoyed him. that may very well be just not his style.
I probably post a couple of just random photos of my partner a year, and usually when it's something playful/silly. Otherwise they only get posted incidentally if it's like "Album of photos from a camping trip me+her and my friends took!" or "photos from that one birthday party we both went to!".
For what it's worth, most of my friends are this way as well. i think one of them posted under 10 photos of their girlfriend in a 1.5 year+/- relationship.
I also completely buy the "hey, dude, post those photos from that one time" explanation on the big dump of photos with his cousin. It often takes prodding to get me to post that kind of stuff. Although one again, ask him.
To reiterate though, i'm kinda befuddled by the people going "if his answer seems dismissive then fuck him!" what if it actually is something that he just doesn't really see as a big deal? this doesn't strike me as some kind of inconsiderate thing. i think it's more like how some people aren't in to PDAs, and some of this type of thing really sort of strikes me as an internet PDA. Similarly to that, there's people who think that if you're not in to PDAs you're somehow uncomfortable with dating the person or don't really care. And fuck that.
This is of course conflating this kind of thing with PDAs, when it's really it's own separate thing that hasn't really existed in society in the past, but people do behave in curiously similar ways about it.
posted by emptythought at 2:28 PM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
To be clear, i don't think there's anything wrong with being bothered by this, but i do think stewing about it and inventing up awful reasons for what could be happening is troublesome. You've already been told by multiple people to just talk to him, and not try passive aggressive stuff, so i'll let that part sit.
What i will say, is that I've been the guy in this situation. Multiple times. 2 different girls I've dated have made a big deal out of this, or repeatedly chided me about it.
The answers mentioning not wanting to broadcast "hey look i'm in a relationship!" 2 months in are pretty spot on IMO. As are the ones of not wanting to generally post super couple-y lovey dovey things on there in general.
Does he write stuff on your wall all the time and do super cheesy romantic stuff on facebook otherwise?
I also, unlike a lot of other people here, think that some type of "huh, what do you mean?" reply does not make him some asshole playing a game. My reaction to it the first time it got brought up was about the same as it is now, a combination of that and "well uh, i don't really do that type of thing anyways".
I definitely think he could have been prodded in to posting a bunch of stuff by his ex, and that it probably annoyed him. that may very well be just not his style.
I probably post a couple of just random photos of my partner a year, and usually when it's something playful/silly. Otherwise they only get posted incidentally if it's like "Album of photos from a camping trip me+her and my friends took!" or "photos from that one birthday party we both went to!".
For what it's worth, most of my friends are this way as well. i think one of them posted under 10 photos of their girlfriend in a 1.5 year+/- relationship.
I also completely buy the "hey, dude, post those photos from that one time" explanation on the big dump of photos with his cousin. It often takes prodding to get me to post that kind of stuff. Although one again, ask him.
To reiterate though, i'm kinda befuddled by the people going "if his answer seems dismissive then fuck him!" what if it actually is something that he just doesn't really see as a big deal? this doesn't strike me as some kind of inconsiderate thing. i think it's more like how some people aren't in to PDAs, and some of this type of thing really sort of strikes me as an internet PDA. Similarly to that, there's people who think that if you're not in to PDAs you're somehow uncomfortable with dating the person or don't really care. And fuck that.
This is of course conflating this kind of thing with PDAs, when it's really it's own separate thing that hasn't really existed in society in the past, but people do behave in curiously similar ways about it.
posted by emptythought at 2:28 PM on March 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'd also like to add that i don't really buy any "facebook isn't real life/you're taking facebook too seriously" answers.
At this point it's a pretty central part of life. i know people who haven't gotten jobs because of their facebook, and even a couple who haven't gotten jobs because they didn't have one, and their employer was convinced they were lying when they said that. Hell, i've gotten jobs via facebook. Entire relationships can be built and destroyed on there, work and personal.
If someone behaves vastly differently on there, which is essentially "in public" than they do inter-personally with just you, that is a valid cause for concern.
Anyone dismissing it on the the front of "it's the internet, it's not real life" missed the boat when the two became inexplicably intertwined, especially among the <30 crowd.
This is most definitely a valid thing to be upset about, but the "social norms" of how one is expected to act on the internet, or on the internet about their relationship still seem to be very much under construction. what one person thinks is normal might seem evasive or weird to someone else.
I have a hard time accepting that beyond extremes there's really a "wrong" though, just different. this reminds me of a recent thread where they were comparing people who think in some kind of mutual exchange "everything evens out" versus the people who itemize everything and compare each interaction transactionally.
Your expectations and actions, and his expectations and actions may very well be normal for both of you, and the very different gears are just now starting to attempt to mesh. two months is pretty early, and generally around the amount of time it takes to really even begin to discover these types of reasons.
This is part of the reasons the "he's a racist asshole with 12 girlfriends who's trying to be a player and hide you!" responses kinda bemuse me.
posted by emptythought at 2:37 PM on March 6, 2013
At this point it's a pretty central part of life. i know people who haven't gotten jobs because of their facebook, and even a couple who haven't gotten jobs because they didn't have one, and their employer was convinced they were lying when they said that. Hell, i've gotten jobs via facebook. Entire relationships can be built and destroyed on there, work and personal.
If someone behaves vastly differently on there, which is essentially "in public" than they do inter-personally with just you, that is a valid cause for concern.
Anyone dismissing it on the the front of "it's the internet, it's not real life" missed the boat when the two became inexplicably intertwined, especially among the <30 crowd.
This is most definitely a valid thing to be upset about, but the "social norms" of how one is expected to act on the internet, or on the internet about their relationship still seem to be very much under construction. what one person thinks is normal might seem evasive or weird to someone else.
I have a hard time accepting that beyond extremes there's really a "wrong" though, just different. this reminds me of a recent thread where they were comparing people who think in some kind of mutual exchange "everything evens out" versus the people who itemize everything and compare each interaction transactionally.
Your expectations and actions, and his expectations and actions may very well be normal for both of you, and the very different gears are just now starting to attempt to mesh. two months is pretty early, and generally around the amount of time it takes to really even begin to discover these types of reasons.
This is part of the reasons the "he's a racist asshole with 12 girlfriends who's trying to be a player and hide you!" responses kinda bemuse me.
posted by emptythought at 2:37 PM on March 6, 2013
I think her guy is telling her something
Yes - he is taking her out with his friends - all the time. In public, without duress. That's as real-life as you can get. Real-life actions trump Facebook life, and actions weigh more than speculation.
posted by Kruger5 at 2:37 PM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yes - he is taking her out with his friends - all the time. In public, without duress. That's as real-life as you can get. Real-life actions trump Facebook life, and actions weigh more than speculation.
posted by Kruger5 at 2:37 PM on March 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Honestly, I would be pretty uncomfortable if I'd been dating somebody for only 2 months and they'd posted ~20 pictures of me on their facebook page.
Maybe you two should have a talk about your mutual expectations of social media interaction?
posted by HFSH at 5:06 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Maybe you two should have a talk about your mutual expectations of social media interaction?
posted by HFSH at 5:06 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's giving me the gut feeling that he is just not all that into me. Even though generally I get the feeling that he is into me more than I am into him.
przepla touched on this, and for some reason my gut feeling is that this is a vital piece of information. We think "If I act too interested, I'll scare them off," is a purely female condition, but it knows no gender. He's posing for pictures with you. He's texting them to you.Maybe he wants to see whether you post them, and is reassured when you do.
Maybe the ex split because she didn't like having her life on blast, and he's taking that into account in his dealings with you. He doesn't want to scare you off.
Maybe he's afraid his friends will make stupid comments about your race or your bone-ability, because he has one or more stupid dudebros for friends, and this is his misguided way of protecting you. He doesn't want to scare you off.
I don't know anything about his character or bros; I just know that there are multiple innocent and even respectful explanations for the lack of pictures. You have to ask or you'll never know. Next time he takes your picture, ask to see it, smile, and ask him to post it. If he balks, ask why not. The question has to be curious, not confrontational. Don't retroactively go over the two months of no pictures. Let that go and start with now.
posted by cirocco at 5:58 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
przepla touched on this, and for some reason my gut feeling is that this is a vital piece of information. We think "If I act too interested, I'll scare them off," is a purely female condition, but it knows no gender. He's posing for pictures with you. He's texting them to you.Maybe he wants to see whether you post them, and is reassured when you do.
Maybe the ex split because she didn't like having her life on blast, and he's taking that into account in his dealings with you. He doesn't want to scare you off.
Maybe he's afraid his friends will make stupid comments about your race or your bone-ability, because he has one or more stupid dudebros for friends, and this is his misguided way of protecting you. He doesn't want to scare you off.
I don't know anything about his character or bros; I just know that there are multiple innocent and even respectful explanations for the lack of pictures. You have to ask or you'll never know. Next time he takes your picture, ask to see it, smile, and ask him to post it. If he balks, ask why not. The question has to be curious, not confrontational. Don't retroactively go over the two months of no pictures. Let that go and start with now.
posted by cirocco at 5:58 PM on March 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
How relevant FB or any social media is to your life is pretty personal. FB is totally meaningless to me and I don't have one (although my boyfriend does, but I have no real idea if I'm featured in it) and I prefer to just ask instead of guess these days... so no, I wouldn't have done what you did. Justified? You can do whatever you like with your FB.
But I do know that doing something in hopes of getting someone to respond as you desire rarely works in your favor. This should be an easy conversation to have, and if you can't have it, then FB is the least of your relationship problems.
posted by sm1tten at 6:17 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
But I do know that doing something in hopes of getting someone to respond as you desire rarely works in your favor. This should be an easy conversation to have, and if you can't have it, then FB is the least of your relationship problems.
posted by sm1tten at 6:17 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wasn't going to mention it to him at all and see if he would bring anything up.
This is bad. Don't do this. It's unfair and counterproductive to test people who don't know they're being tested. If you want something, ask for it.
If he does, what should I say?
You should say that your values are such that having photos of a significant other on Facebook is a desirable thing for you, it's something you take as a sign of affection. You should say that the lack of photos of you on his Facebook make you feel - rationally or not - like he's ashamed of you or something, but you know he's not ashamed of you so you just wanted to get a read on where his mind is. Basically you should make it as easy as possible for him to tell you what the actual reason is. If he feels cornered, he'll either procrastinate or lie.
Am I justified in feeling this way
You are justified in having whatever values you have, but not in expecting other people to have them without talking about it first. It's completely okay to want him to put up photos of you, but you have to let him know it's important.
and deleting the pictures or am I being Petty?
Deleting the pictures would be fine if you did it because you just didn't happen to want them there anymore. Doing it to send him a message is pretty crappy, and yeah, it's petty.
A data point: I am very very cautious about making people I date a part of my life. It's a really slow thing, because I've been burned on it before: I meet someone new, I think they're great, I friend them on Facebook and put up photos and they meet my friends and are friends with my friends and then we break up. So I'm slow about it. If that's what he's like (and I don't know, you need to ask him), that's why there are photos of his ex and not you.
But you really need to ask him about it, establish that this is important to you, and don't take "I'll get around to it" as an answer. The fact that he took photos of a time he was out with you but waited until you weren't in the room - that tells me this is deliberate. His reasons aren't necessarily bad ones but I don't know what they are exactly.
Finally,
I once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me
Because he wants to have photos of you. The end goal of taking a picture is not necessarily for it to show up on Facebook.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:46 AM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is bad. Don't do this. It's unfair and counterproductive to test people who don't know they're being tested. If you want something, ask for it.
If he does, what should I say?
You should say that your values are such that having photos of a significant other on Facebook is a desirable thing for you, it's something you take as a sign of affection. You should say that the lack of photos of you on his Facebook make you feel - rationally or not - like he's ashamed of you or something, but you know he's not ashamed of you so you just wanted to get a read on where his mind is. Basically you should make it as easy as possible for him to tell you what the actual reason is. If he feels cornered, he'll either procrastinate or lie.
Am I justified in feeling this way
You are justified in having whatever values you have, but not in expecting other people to have them without talking about it first. It's completely okay to want him to put up photos of you, but you have to let him know it's important.
and deleting the pictures or am I being Petty?
Deleting the pictures would be fine if you did it because you just didn't happen to want them there anymore. Doing it to send him a message is pretty crappy, and yeah, it's petty.
A data point: I am very very cautious about making people I date a part of my life. It's a really slow thing, because I've been burned on it before: I meet someone new, I think they're great, I friend them on Facebook and put up photos and they meet my friends and are friends with my friends and then we break up. So I'm slow about it. If that's what he's like (and I don't know, you need to ask him), that's why there are photos of his ex and not you.
But you really need to ask him about it, establish that this is important to you, and don't take "I'll get around to it" as an answer. The fact that he took photos of a time he was out with you but waited until you weren't in the room - that tells me this is deliberate. His reasons aren't necessarily bad ones but I don't know what they are exactly.
Finally,
I once asked why he was even bothering to take a pic of me
Because he wants to have photos of you. The end goal of taking a picture is not necessarily for it to show up on Facebook.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:46 AM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does his Facebook say he's in a relationship with you? Or does it say he's single? If the latter, there's your answer.
posted by musofire at 6:18 AM on March 6, 2013 [6 favorites]