Boyfriend's ex is a constant presence in his life
March 4, 2013 6:50 AM Subscribe
A colleague has recently asked me to go out with him. The major red flag is that his ex-girlfriend whom he split up with, is a work colleague. In fact, all three of us work in the same organisation. The two of them have very senior posts and the nature of their work is such that they need to interact at meetings every day. I have a less important job and only work part-time. He was dating his ex for many years and the breakup wasn't easy. None of us are likely to leave our jobs. Does working closely with an ex ever rekindle the flame? Also, they sometimes work late in the evenings and she lives near him, so she often takes a lift with him. Should this be stopped? After all they are in close proximity anyway, so what is an extra 20 minutes in the car? Would you say this is enough of a ref flag and I shouldn't go ahead?
A colleague has recently asked me to go out with him. The major red flag is that his ex-girlfriend whom he split up with, is a work colleague.
No, the major red flag is that you and he are not "likely to leave (your) jobs" and he's in a senior position.
posted by dubold at 6:53 AM on March 4, 2013 [48 favorites]
Hi, I was your colleague's ex. I had a big torch for him for a few months after he broke up with me, and at the same time he was just starting to see someone whom he met a month after breaking up with me. But he made it very clear, and reminded me a couple times, that it was over with us, and that he was very, very much in love with this new woman, and I needed to accept that. And after a few months I did. And that was ten years ago; today, he's still with the person he was just starting to see then, and as far as I'm concerned, he feels so much like a brother to me that thinking about the fact that we once dated actually feels vaguely creepy.
Dubold has the answer about the proper "red flag" you should be worrying about. But as far as worrying whether her always being around him will rekindle their relationship - not necessarily.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:57 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dubold has the answer about the proper "red flag" you should be worrying about. But as far as worrying whether her always being around him will rekindle their relationship - not necessarily.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:57 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
[He has a] very senior post . . .
Say no. This story ends with YOU leaving your job with a pink slip.
posted by mibo at 6:58 AM on March 4, 2013 [12 favorites]
Say no. This story ends with YOU leaving your job with a pink slip.
posted by mibo at 6:58 AM on March 4, 2013 [12 favorites]
So they dated for years, are in constant close proximity, live near one another and go home in the same car occasionally? And they're both in senior positions to you? Now he may be a complete gentleman and have absolutely no intention of ever rekindling anything with her, and she may very well be the same way. But this would be entering a relationship on Hard Mode. Most relationship are, unfortunately, doomed to fail and unless you really, really think this is the One, the consequences of it failing are going to be really bad for you personally and professionally.
posted by griphus at 6:58 AM on March 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by griphus at 6:58 AM on March 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
He's asked you for one date, which hasn't happened yet, and you're already concerned about re-arranging his life? (Re:stopping his giving his ex a ride home.). Nothing good will come from this, I fear, unless you recalibrate your expectations.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:59 AM on March 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 6:59 AM on March 4, 2013 [8 favorites]
You haven't even started dating yet and you're thinking about asking him to change his relationship with his ex and coworker. Plus, you all three work together. I'm not sure there are any flags here that aren't red.
posted by jeather at 7:02 AM on March 4, 2013 [26 favorites]
posted by jeather at 7:02 AM on March 4, 2013 [26 favorites]
Don't shit where you eat. This situation has DRAMAZ written all over it.
RUN!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:03 AM on March 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
RUN!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:03 AM on March 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
None of us are likely to leave our jobs.
Are you not indeed?
posted by atrazine at 7:07 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
Are you not indeed?
posted by atrazine at 7:07 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
Just reading the brief description makes me think that this is not going to end well. That you think that the major potential problem here is that he might get back with his ex, and that you are already (pre-dating) considering whether to ask him to stop giving her a ride in the evenings, suggests that you may not even understand how much of a potentially problematic situation you're describing.
posted by OmieWise at 7:10 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by OmieWise at 7:10 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, sorry, this doesn't sound like a good idea at all. It has bad news written all over it, I think when/if things go sour you will without question be fired, and frankly it just isn't worth the drama. Office romances are dangerous, and this is not worth the risk ESPECIALLY considering you are fairly low down on the totem pole and part time and he/they are high up and senior and (I'm guessing) full time.
..and this is from me, a woman engaged to be married to a co-worker....
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
..and this is from me, a woman engaged to be married to a co-worker....
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am close with an ex and we work together, though not as regularly as the situation that you describe. We have not dated in ten years but have remained best friends ever since. I am happily married and would NEVER consider dating my friend again. His new girlfriend is super territorial and doesn't want me around. I think that's a shame because I was all set to like her. She's not the first to try to break up our friendship and she probably wont be the last.
That being said, I agree with the majority of answers here, there are other very good reasons for NOT dating this man. I would pass on this if I were you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:24 AM on March 4, 2013
That being said, I agree with the majority of answers here, there are other very good reasons for NOT dating this man. I would pass on this if I were you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:24 AM on March 4, 2013
Working closely with an ex, in that close proximity, can rekindle the flame. Still carpooling increases that proximity.
There's also all the dangers of dating a coworker, especially a senior one, which is more of a red flag. His just being out of a relationship is more of a red flag. It sounds to me like he's trying to make her jealous.
Short answer: do not date him. There is an entire bouquet of red flags here, and any one of them would be enough.
posted by RainyJay at 7:29 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's also all the dangers of dating a coworker, especially a senior one, which is more of a red flag. His just being out of a relationship is more of a red flag. It sounds to me like he's trying to make her jealous.
Short answer: do not date him. There is an entire bouquet of red flags here, and any one of them would be enough.
posted by RainyJay at 7:29 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
You might consider the possibility that you are a pawn in their little "love me, love me not" game. Pawns are by definition expendable. Perhaps you don't want to be used in such a way.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by fuse theorem at 7:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [13 favorites]
I think you're going to get a lot of "don't do it!" input, so I'm going to shift the question -- I wonder if people hereabouts can give you a good way to turn down the date without screwing up your job situation. I know I can't. Is this guy likely to punish you for turning him down?
posted by Infinity_8 at 7:42 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Infinity_8 at 7:42 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't understand the "boyfriend" part of the title. Have you gone on a single date yet? If not, "boyfriend" is jumping the gun a little.
posted by grouse at 7:48 AM on March 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by grouse at 7:48 AM on March 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
Apart from everything else, I think you'd be rubbing his ex's face in their breakup.
Or what fuse theorem said.
posted by tel3path at 7:49 AM on March 4, 2013
Or what fuse theorem said.
posted by tel3path at 7:49 AM on March 4, 2013
Don't date co-workers.
Really don't date co-workers in senior positions to yours.
Really REALLY don't date co-workers in senior positions to yours who have dated other co-workers in the past.
posted by xingcat at 7:56 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
Really don't date co-workers in senior positions to yours.
Really REALLY don't date co-workers in senior positions to yours who have dated other co-workers in the past.
posted by xingcat at 7:56 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
I just noticed a second reason to not date this guy -
You're already calling him your "boyfriend" when you haven't even gone on a DATE with the guy yet. Methinks you may want to slow down a bit there yourself before dating anyone, if you're prone to moving at that fast a clip.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:09 AM on March 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
You're already calling him your "boyfriend" when you haven't even gone on a DATE with the guy yet. Methinks you may want to slow down a bit there yourself before dating anyone, if you're prone to moving at that fast a clip.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:09 AM on March 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
This is so obviously a dramabomb that you should drop it and run before it blows.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2013
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2013
N-thing that work is for bringing home the bacon, not the sausage.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:19 AM on March 4, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 8:19 AM on March 4, 2013 [14 favorites]
Does working closely with an ex ever rekindle the flame?
I think the rest of your question has been covered nicely so I'll just talk about this part.
I was in a few year on-again-off-again relationship with a co-worker. We started out working in different areas and eventually our positions were changed and he became my direct superior. When the relationship ended, it was done. It was HARD. But part of breaking up with someone you work with is that you don't do it until your damn sure because of the drama it causes. So when the relationship ended, it ended with a bang.
I still worked with him. It was really hard to continue to work so closely with someone who I'd dated. But I started dating someone I didn't work with. He started dating someone else we worked with (who was not in our area). The thing here, though, is I was friends with the new person he started to date and I heard about the relationship stuff from her. I was happy for them -- I'm sure part of this was because I was friends with her though. And I went to there wedding. They're still together a few years later, and still working together.
So does working with an ex rekindle the flame? From my personal experience, quite the opposite. But everyone's different.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2013
I think the rest of your question has been covered nicely so I'll just talk about this part.
I was in a few year on-again-off-again relationship with a co-worker. We started out working in different areas and eventually our positions were changed and he became my direct superior. When the relationship ended, it was done. It was HARD. But part of breaking up with someone you work with is that you don't do it until your damn sure because of the drama it causes. So when the relationship ended, it ended with a bang.
I still worked with him. It was really hard to continue to work so closely with someone who I'd dated. But I started dating someone I didn't work with. He started dating someone else we worked with (who was not in our area). The thing here, though, is I was friends with the new person he started to date and I heard about the relationship stuff from her. I was happy for them -- I'm sure part of this was because I was friends with her though. And I went to there wedding. They're still together a few years later, and still working together.
So does working with an ex rekindle the flame? From my personal experience, quite the opposite. But everyone's different.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2013
You are the low-person on the totem pole. When it all goes sour, shit rolls downhill.
There is no win for you in this situation.
Do not engage. Just keep it professional.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
There is no win for you in this situation.
Do not engage. Just keep it professional.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't dip your pen in company ink.
posted by Sternmeyer at 9:36 AM on March 4, 2013
posted by Sternmeyer at 9:36 AM on March 4, 2013
The two of them have very senior posts and the nature of their work is such that they need to interact at meetings every day. I have a less important job and only work part-time. He was dating his ex for many years and the breakup wasn't easy. None of us are likely to leave our jobs.
When this all goes to shit, the only one going to be leaving their job is you.
From your respective places on the work totem pole to the dating someone who is still close to his ex, this all sounds unlikely to end well.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:01 AM on March 4, 2013
When this all goes to shit, the only one going to be leaving their job is you.
From your respective places on the work totem pole to the dating someone who is still close to his ex, this all sounds unlikely to end well.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:01 AM on March 4, 2013
Does working closely with an ex ever rekindle the flame?
Yes.
Also, they sometimes work late in the evenings and she lives near him, so she often takes a lift with him. Should this be stopped?
That sounds possessive in an unhealthy way.
After all they are in close proximity anyway, so what is an extra 20 minutes in the car?
That's 20 minutes to talk about non-work stuff.
Would you say this is enough of a ref flag and I shouldn't go ahead?
That depends, what's he like? Was the breakup not easy because of something he did? How does he behave when dating someone he works with? How much do you like him? Where do you see things going if the relationship falls apart? How do he and his ex interact with each other, have they gone back to boundaries of workmates or are there still remnants of their relationship?
Obviously a lot of people would say not to forward with this relationship, but you haven't given us much detail to really make a judgement, IMO. If all three of you can be mature about this, sure. If not, then think about what you're doing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:15 AM on March 4, 2013
Yes.
Also, they sometimes work late in the evenings and she lives near him, so she often takes a lift with him. Should this be stopped?
That sounds possessive in an unhealthy way.
After all they are in close proximity anyway, so what is an extra 20 minutes in the car?
That's 20 minutes to talk about non-work stuff.
Would you say this is enough of a ref flag and I shouldn't go ahead?
That depends, what's he like? Was the breakup not easy because of something he did? How does he behave when dating someone he works with? How much do you like him? Where do you see things going if the relationship falls apart? How do he and his ex interact with each other, have they gone back to boundaries of workmates or are there still remnants of their relationship?
Obviously a lot of people would say not to forward with this relationship, but you haven't given us much detail to really make a judgement, IMO. If all three of you can be mature about this, sure. If not, then think about what you're doing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:15 AM on March 4, 2013
Should this be stopped?
You already find things undesirable about his everyday life. There should be more to like than not to like, at this stage.
posted by BibiRose at 10:22 AM on March 4, 2013
You already find things undesirable about his everyday life. There should be more to like than not to like, at this stage.
posted by BibiRose at 10:22 AM on March 4, 2013
Response by poster: The two of them have had fundamental differences over lifestyle choices. The relationship was running its course and they split in November last year. He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship. He did not act on his feelings then because he did not want a rebound relationship. However, I picked up the vibes soon after. I haven't had a relationship for years and I suddenly feel alive. Both he and I are in a situation where we do not meet potential partners and our attitude has been 'so be it' - we were just coasting along and were content. It would be a good partnership in many ways (we both know each others' personalities, both mature, mid-40s), and I am reluctant to let it pass me by.
Thank you for advising me about the red flags; does this alter your opinion at all?
posted by ashawill at 10:26 AM on March 4, 2013
Thank you for advising me about the red flags; does this alter your opinion at all?
posted by ashawill at 10:26 AM on March 4, 2013
My opinion is that you should get yourself into a situation where you start meeting potential partners and forget this one.
posted by grouse at 10:27 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by grouse at 10:27 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship
Yup, that's another Big Red Flag that means don't do this. In love with you, before a first date? Run away from this guy, far, far away.
posted by kellyblah at 10:29 AM on March 4, 2013 [11 favorites]
Yup, that's another Big Red Flag that means don't do this. In love with you, before a first date? Run away from this guy, far, far away.
posted by kellyblah at 10:29 AM on March 4, 2013 [11 favorites]
and I am reluctant to let it pass me by.
That's totally fine and understand and I hope it works out well for both of you. Just be aware that this has potential to go horribly wrong and for your work and personal life to be severely impacted.
Go slow and tread carefully.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
That's totally fine and understand and I hope it works out well for both of you. Just be aware that this has potential to go horribly wrong and for your work and personal life to be severely impacted.
Go slow and tread carefully.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:32 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
If things did go south, you would be the most expendable. At mid-40's it can be difficult to switch careers suddenly, would it be a simple thing for you to get a new and comparable job? If not, would the risk be worth a sudden drop in your lifestyle? And if yes, what's stopping you from getting a new job so as to be able to date this guy without the whole coworker messiness?
This may be more of a wake up call that you need to start restructuring your life so as to feel more alive, through meeting people or activities. That's what you really want, and this guy isn't the only pathway to it.
posted by Dynex at 10:35 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
This may be more of a wake up call that you need to start restructuring your life so as to feel more alive, through meeting people or activities. That's what you really want, and this guy isn't the only pathway to it.
posted by Dynex at 10:35 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
Thank you for advising me about the red flags; does this alter your opinion at all?
It alters my opinion for the worst:
He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship
In other words, even when he's in a relationship, he keeps looking and will break an existing relationship off if he finds something better. I mean, what happens if you do start dating and things hit a rough patch? He's just demonstrated that he's likely to handle that by falling for some other chick and then break things off with you because he's "fallen in love" with her and your relationship is "defunct". You want a guy who will either break off a relationship when it is defunct, and who won't do this "grass is greener" kind of thing.
Bad, bad news, no matter whether the guy in question is your co-worker, neighbor, grocer, or anything else.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:37 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
It alters my opinion for the worst:
He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship
In other words, even when he's in a relationship, he keeps looking and will break an existing relationship off if he finds something better. I mean, what happens if you do start dating and things hit a rough patch? He's just demonstrated that he's likely to handle that by falling for some other chick and then break things off with you because he's "fallen in love" with her and your relationship is "defunct". You want a guy who will either break off a relationship when it is defunct, and who won't do this "grass is greener" kind of thing.
Bad, bad news, no matter whether the guy in question is your co-worker, neighbor, grocer, or anything else.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:37 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
How easily can you find another job? How dependent are you on the part time paycheque you get there? If your job is easily replaced, then go for it. Go in to this knowing that this could result in your losing your job, but if that is an acceptable risk for you then have at it.
Or better yet, put it on hold until you find another job. THEN start dating him. If really loves you like he says I'm sure he would understand and be willing to wait for you to get secured someplace else. Frankly, in a lot of ways that would be giving you the best chance at success. You won't have to see/deal with his ex, you won't have to constantly worry about your job, and this will all be done on the straight and narrow with equal risks for everyone. I know how it can feel when it seems like a great thing and it would be such a waste to let it pass you by. I get it. But do it the smart way.
Go get a new job someplace else before you date him.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:37 AM on March 4, 2013
Or better yet, put it on hold until you find another job. THEN start dating him. If really loves you like he says I'm sure he would understand and be willing to wait for you to get secured someplace else. Frankly, in a lot of ways that would be giving you the best chance at success. You won't have to see/deal with his ex, you won't have to constantly worry about your job, and this will all be done on the straight and narrow with equal risks for everyone. I know how it can feel when it seems like a great thing and it would be such a waste to let it pass you by. I get it. But do it the smart way.
Go get a new job someplace else before you date him.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:37 AM on March 4, 2013
In other words, even when he's in a relationship, he keeps looking and will break an existing relationship off if he finds something better.
Honestly, it seems as though you're reading the situation in the worst possible light. There's nothing that indicates that what you describe is what occurred. Quite the opposite in that he never pursued her, yet the recognition of feelings for another spurred him to end a relationship that was already on the down swing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:40 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Honestly, it seems as though you're reading the situation in the worst possible light. There's nothing that indicates that what you describe is what occurred. Quite the opposite in that he never pursued her, yet the recognition of feelings for another spurred him to end a relationship that was already on the down swing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:40 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, I know you'd like to pursue this, but I have to say that I agree with the others - there are a few reasons why I'd advise you against this:
* You work with him
* You work with him and his ex
* You work with him and his ex, and they work closely together, often giving each other rides home
* While they work together closely and are at an equal status within the company, you are part-time and at a lower status
* The above fact in particular makes me particularly suspicious of the idea of him being in love with you without ever being on a single date - he interacts with you as a part-time employee who by virtue of her standing at the company defers to his wishes - this makes me think that he has fleshed out who you are in his own mind, not by getting to know you deeply (speaking from experience)
* In addition, the idea of him staying in a "defunct" relationship until he spots a potential replacement girlfriend... This does not bode well for a future together, as flattering as it sounds - this may be his modus operandi (again, speaking from experience)
* Assuming they were together for longer than a few months, they only just broke up a few months ago
Anecdata: I once dated a colleague. After we broke up it was absolute misery to watch him move on to another colleague. Every day, seeing them arrive together, have lunch together, leave together... It broke my heart over & over. If this doesn't work out, think not only of the practicalities of losing your job, but of the emotional side of it as well.
posted by pammeke at 10:43 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
* You work with him
* You work with him and his ex
* You work with him and his ex, and they work closely together, often giving each other rides home
* While they work together closely and are at an equal status within the company, you are part-time and at a lower status
* The above fact in particular makes me particularly suspicious of the idea of him being in love with you without ever being on a single date - he interacts with you as a part-time employee who by virtue of her standing at the company defers to his wishes - this makes me think that he has fleshed out who you are in his own mind, not by getting to know you deeply (speaking from experience)
* In addition, the idea of him staying in a "defunct" relationship until he spots a potential replacement girlfriend... This does not bode well for a future together, as flattering as it sounds - this may be his modus operandi (again, speaking from experience)
* Assuming they were together for longer than a few months, they only just broke up a few months ago
Anecdata: I once dated a colleague. After we broke up it was absolute misery to watch him move on to another colleague. Every day, seeing them arrive together, have lunch together, leave together... It broke my heart over & over. If this doesn't work out, think not only of the practicalities of losing your job, but of the emotional side of it as well.
posted by pammeke at 10:43 AM on March 4, 2013 [6 favorites]
Do not date this man while you work with him and his ex, especially if both are superior to you in the workplace hierarchy. This is the stuff that soap operas are made of.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:57 AM on March 4, 2013
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:57 AM on March 4, 2013
Honestly, it seems as though you're reading the situation in the worst possible light. There's nothing that indicates that what you describe is what occurred. Quite the opposite in that he never pursued her, yet the recognition of feelings for another spurred him to end a relationship that was already on the down swing.
You mean, it's a relationship he claims was already on the downswing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
You mean, it's a relationship he claims was already on the downswing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:07 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship.
His ex, whom he claims to have broken up to be with you (or whatever) is your coworker and superior. Now, if she isn't as cool with this split as he says he is, and you two start dating, you may end up with someone (a senior someone) at your organization resenting the everloving hell out of you. She may play it cool and professional, sure. She may even be genuinely cool about it and not care. That is also an option. But, she could be resentful and make your life a living hell at that job.
There's a serious chance that this relationship will, to her, result in the emotional equivalent of you saying "Hey, FUCK YOU!" to her every time you see her in the hallway. You want to deal with that?
posted by griphus at 11:15 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
His ex, whom he claims to have broken up to be with you (or whatever) is your coworker and superior. Now, if she isn't as cool with this split as he says he is, and you two start dating, you may end up with someone (a senior someone) at your organization resenting the everloving hell out of you. She may play it cool and professional, sure. She may even be genuinely cool about it and not care. That is also an option. But, she could be resentful and make your life a living hell at that job.
There's a serious chance that this relationship will, to her, result in the emotional equivalent of you saying "Hey, FUCK YOU!" to her every time you see her in the hallway. You want to deal with that?
posted by griphus at 11:15 AM on March 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
Honestly, it seems as though you're reading the situation in the worst possible light. There's nothing that indicates that what you describe is what occurred. Quite the opposite in that he never pursued her, yet the recognition of feelings for another spurred him to end a relationship that was already on the down swing.
You mean, it's a relationship he claims was already on the downswing.
I think most of us can remember at least one relationship that was limping along, when we happened to meet someone who reminded us that relationships didn't have to limp. (Yes, it's possible to be in a meh relationship for so long that you don't know it's meh.) Is it the best thing evar? No, but neither does it mean every single person who's had that experience becomes a serial cheater and apparently liar...
Nonetheless, this situation is rather terrible and the OP should extricate herself from at least half of it --either the job or the dating-- ASAP.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
You mean, it's a relationship he claims was already on the downswing.
I think most of us can remember at least one relationship that was limping along, when we happened to meet someone who reminded us that relationships didn't have to limp. (Yes, it's possible to be in a meh relationship for so long that you don't know it's meh.) Is it the best thing evar? No, but neither does it mean every single person who's had that experience becomes a serial cheater and apparently liar...
Nonetheless, this situation is rather terrible and the OP should extricate herself from at least half of it --either the job or the dating-- ASAP.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
> The two of them have had fundamental differences over lifestyle choices. The relationship was running its course and they split in November last year. He says that he fell in love with me just before the split and it spurred him to end an already defunct relationship.
This is right up there in the Top Ten list of Stuff Guys Routinely Lie About. You cannot believe a single thing he tells you about his former (?) relationship. Whether intentionally or not, he's manipulating you to make you feel sorry for him and protective of him. I don't know anything about him or his personality; he may or may not be telling you the truth, he may or may not think he's telling you the truth. But I do know that this situation is chock-full of warning signs, and if you lose, you not only have your heart broken, you lose your job. If you absolutely must pursue things with him, find another job first.
posted by languagehat at 11:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [10 favorites]
This is right up there in the Top Ten list of Stuff Guys Routinely Lie About. You cannot believe a single thing he tells you about his former (?) relationship. Whether intentionally or not, he's manipulating you to make you feel sorry for him and protective of him. I don't know anything about him or his personality; he may or may not be telling you the truth, he may or may not think he's telling you the truth. But I do know that this situation is chock-full of warning signs, and if you lose, you not only have your heart broken, you lose your job. If you absolutely must pursue things with him, find another job first.
posted by languagehat at 11:17 AM on March 4, 2013 [10 favorites]
More anecdata: I also have sad stories of having dated a colleague. (I'll call him "Joe.")
We worked in the same department but were of equal status (and had different bosses), so we didn't have that disequilibrium problem that pammeke summarized so eloquently. But there were other issues:
* Everybody will know that you two are dating, no matter how discreet you think you are. (We never arrived together, left together or ate lunch together.)
Nobody ever said a word to me about my relationship with Joe, but he got a lot of comments about it. From his boss: "Hey, Joe, how's virago?" From other guys: "Hey, man, don't shit where you eat!" "Whoa, virago looks pissed about something. I'd go out for coffee now before she sees you!"
* Pursuant to the above, everybody will know when you two aren't getting along, no matter how discreet you think you are.
* "Joe" was separated but not divorced when he and I went out. His estranged wife wasn't a colleague, so we didn't have that time bomb waiting to blow up, but I got to see her when she came to the office for the Friday-night dropoff for the kids' weekend with Dad.
Needless to say, she knew all about me, too, so she'd give me sidelong glances, I'd give her sidelong glances, and all the while Joe would bask in the glow of being the object of territorial vibes.
* To reference pammeke again: "After we broke up it was absolute misery to watch him move on to another colleague." Nuff said.
Coda: None of us work together anymore. Joe finally got divorced, married this other colleague about a year later, and was with her for about two years before they split up. I like her and am glad to hear through friends of friends that she's doing OK. I hope his children are all right, too, because I always liked them.
(I haven't thought about this relationship in a long time, and I can't say that revisiting it makes me think better of my own judgment ...)
posted by virago at 11:27 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
We worked in the same department but were of equal status (and had different bosses), so we didn't have that disequilibrium problem that pammeke summarized so eloquently. But there were other issues:
* Everybody will know that you two are dating, no matter how discreet you think you are. (We never arrived together, left together or ate lunch together.)
Nobody ever said a word to me about my relationship with Joe, but he got a lot of comments about it. From his boss: "Hey, Joe, how's virago?" From other guys: "Hey, man, don't shit where you eat!" "Whoa, virago looks pissed about something. I'd go out for coffee now before she sees you!"
* Pursuant to the above, everybody will know when you two aren't getting along, no matter how discreet you think you are.
* "Joe" was separated but not divorced when he and I went out. His estranged wife wasn't a colleague, so we didn't have that time bomb waiting to blow up, but I got to see her when she came to the office for the Friday-night dropoff for the kids' weekend with Dad.
Needless to say, she knew all about me, too, so she'd give me sidelong glances, I'd give her sidelong glances, and all the while Joe would bask in the glow of being the object of territorial vibes.
* To reference pammeke again: "After we broke up it was absolute misery to watch him move on to another colleague." Nuff said.
Coda: None of us work together anymore. Joe finally got divorced, married this other colleague about a year later, and was with her for about two years before they split up. I like her and am glad to hear through friends of friends that she's doing OK. I hope his children are all right, too, because I always liked them.
(I haven't thought about this relationship in a long time, and I can't say that revisiting it makes me think better of my own judgment ...)
posted by virago at 11:27 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
This guy sounds like a bit of a drama queen. Telling you he left someone else because of you is manipulative. Also, does he care at all about the position he would be putting you in at work? In fact he probably has already put you in a bad position with his ex on some level or another. This guy just sounds bullshitty to me. But he may be exactly what you want. I do agree with those suggesting you have an exit strategy from the job if you go for this.
posted by BibiRose at 11:39 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 11:39 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
He says that he fell in love with me just before the split
But did he KNOW you?
I picked up the vibes soon after
I guess not.
My advice remains: no, no, no, no. NO. Sorry, but NO. Nothing about this scenario will end well for you.
I know it's harder the older we get, but go meet people outside of work. It's not even about not having an in-house relationship, it's about finding a partner who's not full of dramarama right from the get-go.
posted by mibo at 11:44 AM on March 4, 2013
But did he KNOW you?
I picked up the vibes soon after
I guess not.
My advice remains: no, no, no, no. NO. Sorry, but NO. Nothing about this scenario will end well for you.
I know it's harder the older we get, but go meet people outside of work. It's not even about not having an in-house relationship, it's about finding a partner who's not full of dramarama right from the get-go.
posted by mibo at 11:44 AM on March 4, 2013
Go slow and tread carefully.
If you go this route, be sure and articulate to him that you want to go slow and tread carefully. You two should have already had a conversation about the potential for problems for both and in particular for you. If you haven't, then by all means do so now.
It's a tricky situation but if all three of you are mature (and it has to be all three), the bumps in the road should be few. Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:12 PM on March 4, 2013
If you go this route, be sure and articulate to him that you want to go slow and tread carefully. You two should have already had a conversation about the potential for problems for both and in particular for you. If you haven't, then by all means do so now.
It's a tricky situation but if all three of you are mature (and it has to be all three), the bumps in the road should be few. Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:12 PM on March 4, 2013
Please, for the sake of EVERYONE else in the company, do NOT start dating this guy.
I'm generally on the 'don't date them' side of any question involving co-workers, simply because of all the drama it can drag the whole office into: if you're together, there's a good chance of favoritism (real or perceived, makes no difference); if you argue there's a tendancy to make those co-workers take sides..... if you break up --- oh, hell, if you break up it REALLY gets rotten for your co-workers. (I had the fun of one co-worker trying to use me as a middleman: "Ask him if he's done x. Tell him I need y document." I refused to play along.)
And then throw his ex into the mix, whom he sees at daily meeting and carpools with, and you've got to expect this will end in SERIOUS conflict. Don't even flirt with this guy unless and until either you or he goes to work somewhere else --- there are so many red flags here that its practically a forest.
posted by easily confused at 2:35 PM on March 4, 2013
I'm generally on the 'don't date them' side of any question involving co-workers, simply because of all the drama it can drag the whole office into: if you're together, there's a good chance of favoritism (real or perceived, makes no difference); if you argue there's a tendancy to make those co-workers take sides..... if you break up --- oh, hell, if you break up it REALLY gets rotten for your co-workers. (I had the fun of one co-worker trying to use me as a middleman: "Ask him if he's done x. Tell him I need y document." I refused to play along.)
And then throw his ex into the mix, whom he sees at daily meeting and carpools with, and you've got to expect this will end in SERIOUS conflict. Don't even flirt with this guy unless and until either you or he goes to work somewhere else --- there are so many red flags here that its practically a forest.
posted by easily confused at 2:35 PM on March 4, 2013
If you really believe this is a great chance at love, then quit the job. You can't have both.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:04 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:04 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
His ex, whom he claims to have broken up to be with you (or whatever) is your coworker and superior. Now, if she isn't as cool with this split as he says he is, and you two start dating, you may end up with someone (a senior someone) at your organization resenting the everloving hell out of you. She may play it cool and professional, sure. She may even be genuinely cool about it and not care. That is also an option. But, she could be resentful and make your life a living hell at that job.
Please listen to griphus.
Maybe I've just been unlucky in my coworkers, but I can only count two or three people with whom I've worked in fifteen years of professional employment who would take the high road if their ex-boyfriend were dating a part time employee with a lower ranking job in their organization.
The rest of them would find ways large and small to make you regret it. And even if they were miraculously gracious, every other person who knew about the situation would take sides to curry favor with one side or the other. In addition, everything about your work and behavior will be filtered through the lens of your relationship, particularly because of your rank and part time status.
This is seriously a terrible idea if you want to keep your job, even leaving out that the the guy sounds sleazy anyway. Just tell him you've thought about it and you're sorry but you can't date a coworker. THEN DETATCH. You have to get some distance from him or telling him that won't work for long.
posted by winna at 5:10 PM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Please listen to griphus.
Maybe I've just been unlucky in my coworkers, but I can only count two or three people with whom I've worked in fifteen years of professional employment who would take the high road if their ex-boyfriend were dating a part time employee with a lower ranking job in their organization.
The rest of them would find ways large and small to make you regret it. And even if they were miraculously gracious, every other person who knew about the situation would take sides to curry favor with one side or the other. In addition, everything about your work and behavior will be filtered through the lens of your relationship, particularly because of your rank and part time status.
This is seriously a terrible idea if you want to keep your job, even leaving out that the the guy sounds sleazy anyway. Just tell him you've thought about it and you're sorry but you can't date a coworker. THEN DETATCH. You have to get some distance from him or telling him that won't work for long.
posted by winna at 5:10 PM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
So you are in your mid 40's and you think you are not going to get many opportunities like this again? Think again. There is no age limit to finding the right person. Not a big fan of ex's hanging around and this close proximity could really turn into a problem for you and your job. Let it go.
posted by pakora1 at 1:32 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by pakora1 at 1:32 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
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