I am in my 30s and out of options
March 3, 2013 1:26 AM   Subscribe

I am a woman in my early 30s and feel like I am out of men to date. I haven't felt attracted or interested in a man in over a year (possibly longer). I work, try to go out and do online dating. Only men that are interested in me are men that are either physically unattractive, not intelligent or both. It seems like if I want a relationship I would need to pick from men in the "who repulses me less?" fashion. So I choose to stay single.

To be fair, in my every day life, I don't meet any single men my age. If I got to bars or clubs, only men there are a lot younger. Most of my friends are married and socialize with other married couples so most of my prospects do come from online.

I did try dating men that I am not that interested in because I thought that my standards are to high. I hoped that my emotions would grow but it never happened and I always felt a huge part of the "attraction" was missing. I don't really want to repeat those experiences, so I don't date.

I made many mistakes in my 20s. Most of my problems were due to the fact that I was very idealistic about love and I wasted a lot of time on men that I felt "in love" with and accepted poor treatment, thinking that they are "the one". I wouldn't do that again and in fact, I quickly lose interest now if I am not treated right. I have definitely learned my lessons in that respect. But that leaves me with not being interested in anyone. I also have quirky, unconventional personality type and I only connect to a very few people.

Also to add, I am not sure I have much room for improvement lookswise. I am at a healthy weight and work out regularly. I take care of my hair and makeup and wear stylish clothes. Most people assume that I am in my mid -late 20s. I am somewhat above average looking but not super hot and that's pretty much as good as it's going to get.

Every year, the quality of men left to choose from gets lower. I feel the dream of falling in love and getting married slipping further away. At this point I am pretty calm. I don't even feel that I am running out of time. I feel that I have already run out of time. Well, run out of time unless I am willing to be with a man that I am not attracted to (for whom I feel only mild repulsion for at best).

So this is my dilemma. Should I go for someone like that for the sake of getting to the next stage of my life? Or should I accept staying single and not having a family? I feel like I still can make that choice now.

The future looks very bleak, either way.
posted by sabina_r to Human Relations (48 answers total) 39 users marked this as a favorite
 
I feel like you are looking in the wrong places: bars and married friends are not nearly as good for this as some other things you could be doing. Do you live near a university? Go there and meet some postdocs. They are in your age range, they are intelligent, a huge number of them are single because they have to move around so much. Can you play sports? A lot of intelligent, single men in their 30's who I know run, swim, and cycle and do many other sports too, including some quirky ones. The area you live in in general might also be an issue.
posted by cairdeas at 1:36 AM on March 3, 2013 [9 favorites]


MetaFilter meetups, seriously.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:13 AM on March 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


Well, run out of time unless I am willing to be with a man that I am not attracted to (for whom I feel only mild repulsion for at best).

So this is my dilemma. Should I go for someone like that for the sake of getting to the next stage of my life?


Jesus fuck no. What a horrible thing that would be to do to the guy involved.
posted by jacalata at 2:22 AM on March 3, 2013 [34 favorites]


You absolutely should not marry somebody you aren't attracted to just to get on to the next stage of your life.

I got married young because I met the right person for me. I'm happy.

I've got a 60-year-old buddy who never married anybody because he never found the right person for him. He's happy.

I've know people who found the right person and got married at age 40 and people who found the right person and got married at age 70. They're happy.

Meanwhile, my friends who are married to people who aren't right for them? Really, really, really unhappy.

To me, marriage is like dessert. A great one is wonderful. A bad one can make you sick. If the only dessert on offer is a pile of rocks smeared with mushed-up bugs, you wouldn't eat it just because it's the time in the meal when you're supposed to have dessert. You'd skip it. If you happen to stumble across a mind-blowing chocolate soufflé later, great. And if not-- well, at least you dodged the bug-covered rocks.

The good thing about marriage isn't that you're married. It's that you share your life with somebody you find physically, emotionally, and intellectually exciting. There's zero reason to marry somebody who doesn't provide that.
posted by yankeefog at 2:39 AM on March 3, 2013 [132 favorites]


PS: I have a totally unscientific theory that your late twenties and early thirties is the hardest time to find a spouse, because that's peak time for First Marriages. All the people who got married to the wrong person, just because they thought they were supposed to get married by the time they turned 30, are still married.

In five to ten years, those people are going to realize their mistakes, and they will be back out on the market.
posted by yankeefog at 2:46 AM on March 3, 2013 [39 favorites]


I have a few female friends in the mid-30's who have chosen to accept the prospect of being single, or at least not finding the right person in time to start a family. It doesn't mean they won't stop looking and being open to possibilities, they're just choosing not to dwell on it and work on embracing their lives as single ladies.

Make new friends with more single people - it will help you feel more normal about singledom and perhaps even offer some prospects through their networks. I'm sure your couple friends are settling into comfortable social routine, you need to break out of that.

Also, if you're not managing to meet anyone attractive online, what you're doing may need some looking at - better profile pics, tuning up the profile, and perhaps even saying yes to dates with unlikely candidates so long as you find them attractive enough.
posted by ergo at 2:49 AM on March 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


Well, I hear you. I could have written this question, almost all of it.So perhaps I don't have a solution, but I think you know that "settling" is not the answer. If you want to have a child, you don't need a man for that. If you want loving companionship, well, that's trickier but it's not impossible. Maybe you need to start thinking outside the box- are you willing to date men who are a bit younger, or older? From a different culture? Are there any activities you've been meaning to explore? It's hard to meet guys from bars and from online dating, honestly. Another option is to date those good-looking playboys, but know how to limit it so it's just a physical relationship...if that's what you are looking for. But definitely don't "settle". Nothing good will come of that. Keep trying, keep being creative, and I will, too.
posted by bearette at 2:51 AM on March 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


yankeefoog is spot-on. Settling is NEVER the answer and you will be miserable. Trust me. The more you look, the less you will find.

Stop looking and just live your life. Don't think that your worth and value is tied up in OMG I MUST GET MARRIED. If your family and friends are feeding you that crap, tell them (politely) to eff off. If you can't be happy alone you won't be happy married. Marriage as a solution to "I'm not happy" will never work.

It's not your mission in life to find a marriage. Let it find you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:59 AM on March 3, 2013 [9 favorites]


Those 'mistakes' in your twenties, OP? They weren't mistakes! They were learning experiences!

Without making those choices, you'd never have learnt some of the problems that go with relationships. You say "I quickly lose interest now if I am not treated right" - well, good for you! But would you want to shack up with somebody if you weren't going to treat them right?

When my friends complain about not being in relationships, I point out to them "when was the last time you were forced to watch a football match?" Of course, not all blokes want to watch football. But every relationship is going to involve doing things you don't want to. It's not worth doing those things for somebody you've 'just settled' for. Work on your own happiness, because life's too short for feeling rubbish.
posted by The River Ivel at 3:45 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Hit the clubs on the 80s nights. You'll typically get some of the 30s crowd as well as the 20s crowd.

Also, don't sweat it. There are men and women in the same situation as you. I'm one of them, and I'm not worried. It's not easy to find each other amongst all the other stuff, but there are good people who are still available for all sorts of reasons, and there is time, and life is about living.
posted by anonymisc at 4:06 AM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hey, I hear you! I'm in the same boat too, except that I anticipate dating will get better in my 30s. I made lots of mistakes too in my 20s, leading me to a very similar point as you: rarely encountering men I find attractive. I believe that's largely because I have a much better understanding of what I find attractive now (side effect is quickly losing interest in people who don't do it for me). So long as I'm not panicked about that marriage + kids + happily ever after prospect, I've got all the time for me and this life I get to live.

Every year, the quality of men left to choose from gets lower.

No I think you've got this backwards, as I would argue there wasn't an abundance of quality men available in your 20s so much as simply available men. Yes, the amount of available men may be getting lower because people tend to get married over time(?) perhaps. But, as with women who are choosing to value their own self-worth rather than settle, I see the quality as going up. I get the impression that more and more men are choosing not to settle either (not to mention they are valuing being able to communicate what they really want --a quality not so easily found among men in their 20s). This bodes well for both sides of the relationship equation, which with these modifications may simply take longer to compute in a given lifetime. You can't make a garden grow by pulling on the shoots, right? Find the niches where you really shine, and live your life as a fulfilling one regardless. FWIW I think you're on the right track.
posted by human ecologist at 4:39 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Focusing on men your own age in online dating is the problem.

Most women I know who partnered in their mid-30s did so with men in their mid-to-late-40s; a good looking smart man older than his 20s has the option to date younger and his online criteria will reflect that.

If you are ruling out divorcés, you are cutting your odds even further - never-married men in their forties are going to have some pretty severe relationship unsuitability.
posted by MattD at 4:50 AM on March 3, 2013 [6 favorites]


I was like you in my early 30s and throughout my 20s. I felt like the men I was interested in were not in me and the ones I was repulsed by/not interested in were hot for me. So, I just decided to make lemonade out of lemons = that is the ONLY thing you can do. Meaning live your life to the fullest. Take breaks from dating. Find hobbies things that you enjoy. I pursued a second masters. I took acting lessons. I formed a really fun/active meetup group for my neighborhood (thru which I eventually - five years later - met my now adorable boyfriend), I started salsa dancing (had a blast, made lots of friends, lots of dates, etc.), I played on sport teams (ultimate frisbee rocks), I hiked every weekend, I traveled, I did soooo many things I would have never done had I not been faced with that situation which seemed like bad luck of not finding a partner in the timeframe I had envisioned. I just had to suck it up and accept that life doesn't turn out the way you thought it would. Make lemonade out of those lemons and be patient - it will work out for you. :)
posted by BlueMartini7 at 6:26 AM on March 3, 2013 [8 favorites]


I'm going to take a different tack and ask why you are thinking about it like "getting on to the next stage of your life."

I mean, what does that mean? Your life is going to progress no matter whether you're married, single, divorced, a bigamist, a nun, or whatever. You are already moving into the next stage of your life, because time is bringing you on into that stage every day.

Marriage should never be something that you think of as something on a checklist of Life Accomplishments I Need To Do Before Death Or Else Otherwise I've Done It Wrong. It can be something you want for yourself very much, yes, but....it's something that you want to do right, right? Otherwise it's not worth it. Yes, it gets lonely being single, but your not having met the right person doesn't mean that you cannot go on with your life.

Marriage is not a stage you have to hit in your life. Marriage is something you can want in your life, but it is not a required stage of your life.

Wait for the guy that will make that feature in your life a good one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:13 AM on March 3, 2013 [25 favorites]


Get involved with some activists in your area.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:15 AM on March 3, 2013


I got married to Mr. Terrier at age 38—first wedding for us both. His was the fourth proposal I had received.
First guy? Too young (both of us)
Second guy? Too conservative, and a mama's boy
Third guy? Talked about himself incessantly, even when I asked him to stop.

Don't lower your standards, and as I_Love_Bananas astutely put it, "stop looking and just live your life." Things happen when you're not expecting them to.
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:15 AM on March 3, 2013


Why not try internet dating?

PS: I have a totally unscientific theory that your late twenties and early thirties is the hardest time to find a spouse, because that's peak time for First Marriages. All the people who got married to the wrong person, just because they thought they were supposed to get married by the time they turned 30, are still married.

In five to ten years, those people are going to realize their mistakes, and they will be back out on the market.


I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this couldn't be more wrong. The pool of quality available life partners just gets smaller and smaller with every passing year. Those recently-divorced 30somethings who got into "the wrong marriage for them" in their mid 20s but are still interested in finding a life partner and aren't carrying all kinds of baggage tend to get snapped up pretty fast. Only about 10% of first marriages end in divorce within 5 years, and only 20% within 10 years.

In your 20s it's reasonably easy to find potential mates just doing the sorts of things single people do at these ages. By the time the early and mid 30s come around plenty of these people will have partnered off, and it becomes necessary to seek out activities to meet the sorts of potential mates that might interest you. These can be book clubs, museum tours, running groups, cooking classes, whatever. And, of course, the dating web sites. I have several friends who are now happily married that met their spouses on Match.com, OKCupid.com, JDate.com, etc.
posted by slkinsey at 7:58 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


There is also the possibility of creating a family without a partner. Depending on your circumstances and what you think you can swing, becoming a single mother by choice through various means is always an option. You wrote: Or should I accept staying single and not having a family? But you don't have to link up with a slightly repulsive man just to have a kid and a build a family.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 8:06 AM on March 3, 2013


It's hard out there. I sympathize.

Some thoughts -

1. Professional school - a real one that attracts accomplished people, not some for-profit university thing. Are there any good universities with night MBA courses near you, anything like that? Something you're interested in, obviously.

2. If you're unsatisfied with the social scene where you live, you might want to consider moving to a place where the odds are in your favor.

3. Take a look at where you work. Could a bigger company have a bigger pool of similar folks for you to meet?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:56 AM on March 3, 2013


Every year, the quality of men left to choose from gets lower.

I'm 50, and this has not been my experience. Part of that is because, as I've grown longer in the tooth, my interests have expanded, and I'm naturally exposed to more men, and more diverse groups of men, than in my salad days.

Be of good cheer. There's plenty of love out there. Beware the fear-mongering.

I do wonder if perhaps you are geographically challenged? Some locales are tilted more in favor of single women than others. Beyond the obvious (e.g., a large metro area will open up more possibilities for you than a small town), certain cities are more single-gal friendly than others (L.A. vs SF), per stats on single women:single men ratios.
posted by nacho fries at 9:11 AM on March 3, 2013 [11 favorites]


DO NOT settle just because you want to get on with your adult life and start a family. Think about this: you could marry someone you don't find attractive, who doesn't get your humor, etc and then find out you can't conceive with them. Then you are shit outta luck.

Where do you live? It sounds like maybe the population around you isn't the best fit. Consider moving someplace where your personality would be better appreciated? I will fully admit to moving to Seattle in part because I came to visit once and realized the place was swimming in smart, snarky, hot guys.

Also, realize that you will often meet the best people when and where you aren't looking for them. I used to work for a small consulting firm where I was the only single person, so meeting someone through work seemed impossible. Yet one day, after having a string of awful first dates and swearing off dating for a long, LONG time, I met this amazing guy. While at work, even (he worked for one of my clients)! He asked me out for coffee, which led to dinner, which led to more dates, and we got married two years later.
posted by joan_holloway at 9:17 AM on March 3, 2013


Absolutely do not settle - that is always bad news for both people involved.

Also - don't take it personally or get discouraged because the "less attractive" prospects seem to be going for you. Those folks pretty much go for everyone who is halfway friendly or nice. It's not a reflection on the quality of *you*.

I think you should see the bright side of all the bullets you've dodged by being true to yourself and not going to the bottom of the barrel. It's shocking how many people settle for someone who's not right for them, and it's part of the reason the dating pool is so small at your age. You are not wasting your time like so many people seem to do, but it is tougher for you because so many people don't have that foresight/independence.

Is travel an option for you? Sometimes it does a person good to get into a different environment with different social dynamics, demographics, etc. Plus, you get to be exotic and different to the guys in that area.
And, even if you don't find love there, you will at least have a new and enriching experience!

Also, nthing older guys. If you are ok with guys who are divorced (and who isn't? it's 2013 for goodness' sake) or who maybe have a child or two, there are a lot of quality people out there. Many of them have made their mistakes and are ready to get it right this time. Plus, it's so much better being part of a successful second marriage than a failed starter marriage. :)
posted by gohabsgo at 10:05 AM on March 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you are ruling out divorcés, you are cutting your odds even further - never-married men in their forties are going to have some pretty severe relationship unsuitability.

It's true. Beware.

The guys who want to get married have already done so by a certain age. They wanted that. The guys who are more self-focused and ambivalent usually don't. There might be some divorcees who are worthwhile but their issues may have broken up their relationship. You'll probably only hear about how everything is their ex's fault. Stay away from bitter and angry people.

The best is to go along in life, be self compassionate, and nurture yourself and your friends. Maybe you'll meet the right person, maybe you won't. It's okay. Life can still be happy and fun and interesting.

Btw, there's nothing wrong with never finding the right person. It's not your fault.
posted by discopolo at 10:41 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]


Your experience is the opposite of my experience, so maybe you need to look elsewhere? I married a brilliant, handsome, never-married man in my mid-30s, and dated a lot of brilliant, handsome men before I met him (though some were divorced).

Get involved in activities that lots of interesting men are interested in, would be my advice. Kayaking, mountain climbing, photography, autocross, bird watching, building houses for the homeless, film festivals. Brewing beer, though that draws a slightly nerdy crowd. Wine tasting.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:00 AM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't get the advice in this thread, which I see so often on this site: "Don't settle!" it says. "Don't compromise! Take up sky diving! Join clubs! Dress nice and smile all the time! And if it doesn't work and you end up alone, you'll have lived for you. Ain't that grand?"

The OP, like many people, wants to have a family, not a bunch of hobbies or hours spent mingling at activities gone to just to expand her social life. Maybe she's not the hobbiest type; maybe she doesn't want to mingle three evenings a week at lame meetups (many of which are frankly excruciating); maybe she doesn't want to smile and be chipper with everyone she meets because, who knows, they may have an attractive cousin and anything is possible. Meanwhile, a dozen people she no doubt knows are boring as shit, have no hobbies whatsoever, wouldn't know a meetup from the last supper, and yet appear to be happily coupled up for years despite it all. Love sucks, it's not fair, it's kind of funny when you think about it, it's all about luck, and there's nothing you can do about it.

But it gets worse. On top of all the above, you'll be getting silently judged (if the crew posting here is any indication) if it appears that you've "settled." Well, I don't have great advice for you other than to say that there's nothing wrong for settling or compromising, at least a little, to get what you really want. And you seem to know this.

There is unlikely to be a perfect person for you out there, which you seem to know already. So the question becomes how you can settle in the best possible way for you. Sort out exactly what you absolutely need in a partner from those qualities you could compromise on, and search accordingly. I wish you all the luck in the world.
posted by Philemon at 11:06 AM on March 3, 2013 [21 favorites]


Just-married 31-year-old woman here. The love of my life came out of nowhere. We had known each other for awhile, started working closely at some point, and then realized BAM! we loved each other madly. I was in your exact shoes before this happened (although I didn't have the complication of feeling like I really wanted kids/family).

This is just an anecdote to say what everyone else has said: marry because you can't get enough of the person, because life is already not long enough to spend all the time you want to spend with them, because you turn into a puddle of mush when they get close, etc. *Wanting* that experience with someone will not *make* it happen with the wrong person.

Good luck!!

p.s. He's almost 40, so a bit older. Maybe there's something to the "older guys" commentary in the thread above. I think it's more likely an awesome stroke of chaos, and age really doesn't matter much as long as you're vaguely in the ballpark.
posted by nosila at 11:17 AM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


Seems obvious, but in online dating, if guys you do find interesting, attractive and smart aren't contacting you, are you contacting them? At least for me, a guy who is turned off by a woman who initiates contact is, by definition, a guy who isn't worth my time. If I contact someone first, I already know they've passed the first screen for what I find compelling in a man.

Anyhow. You reasoning seems odd, overly defeatist and black and white to me. You seem to be saying that you spent a lot of time in relationships with men who weren't right for you and think you have to correct that by settling for a relationship with a man who is not right for you. Huh?

So maybe take a look at what you're putting out there. Dating and being attracted to men who don't treat you well isn't a product of being idealistic about love, it's a self-worth/self-esteem issue. Likewise with thinking your only option is to settle for men you find mildly repulsive. Folks tend to pick up on this. The good news is that the reverse is also true, not being attracted to assholes is also a product of a solid sense self-worth/self-esteem. So keep going in that direction. You're on the right track.
posted by space_cookie at 12:04 PM on March 3, 2013


If you're in a small or medium sized town, I would suggest you strongly consider moving to a bigger city with a larger pool of dating options. You're much more likely to meet someone who connects with your quirky personality type in a big city where social groups sort much more by personality.

People tend to marry older in urban areas as well, and if you're very serious about maximizing your odds, choose a city with a favorable male to female population ratio (think Houston, not New York).
posted by psycheslamp at 12:26 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


I would also advise against pathologizing the never-married fellas in the older age bracket. To do so is to blindly accept a rather quaint and increasingly antiquated social "norm" about marriage, age, and human development. Some people simply conduct their life at their own pace, and that pace is healthy and normal for them. One could argue that perhaps they know their own minds more than those who leap into marriage younger, wake up with a gasp, and scuttle their marriages.

Keep an open mind, OP, and trust the evidence of your senses rather than the bogey-man stories. There's a lot of black-and-white thinking and catastrophizing in your use of language. Don't psych yourself out prematurely.
posted by nacho fries at 1:02 PM on March 3, 2013 [11 favorites]


I really sympathize with you. I don't have the answer, obviously, but just a few thoughts.

The first reaction I had to your question was "You need to move!" But I wouldn't necessarily say you should just move to the biggest city you can find. Logically that would make sense, but in my experience it doesn't work like that. I was literally invisible to men in New York and that was when I was in my late teens to late 20s, when it's supposed to be easy. A bigger city sounds like a good idea if you live in a small town, but I think this is much more about the standards/preferences of the city/region than the actual number of single men there. This is totally the opposite of what I've done with my life, so I can say, if you're not the type (physical and personality) that a lot of men look for where you are, leave. Or maybe try to import;-)

About settling, I'm with those who say don't do it. To me, the idea of being married to, and possibly having kids with, someone who is even a little repulsive is just...it's actively horrible. Being single forever may be less than ideal but it's not nearly as bad as being in a bad relationship. Which it almost certainly would be, if you settled. What if he really loved you and found out how you felt? What if you met someone else you were actually attracted to? What if you just resented him so much that you insulted him all the time or never wanted to be at home? What if your kids inherited his worst traits and you resented them? I can think of so many ways it could go wrong. Of course that's a personal choice though, I know some people would rather be in a relationship with anyone, than alone in any way. But you have to figure out which is your personal worst possibility.

And one other thing, it's ok if you don't want to be a single mother. I know everyone says "Just have a kid by yourself!" but it sounds like that is not the life you want, and that's really ok. (Of course if that does sound good to you, absolutely go for it.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:04 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]


There's a difference between settling for someone who doesn't hit all of your requirements in the exact way you would prefer but is someone you actually like and respect and settling for someone you find repulsive in any way. Really really don't do the latter - at least have that much respect for yourself.
posted by rtha at 1:11 PM on March 3, 2013 [10 favorites]


There is a difference between "settling" and not being interested in anything less than your dream idea of Prince Charming.
posted by slkinsey at 2:12 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]


If I could redirect after reading Philemon's response:

There are those who indeed would say that you may have to settle a little. And yes, it is possible that being too much of a perfectionist does get in some people's way when it comes to finding a mate.

But there's a difference between "settling" for someone who's got a slightly different profession than the one you'd always dreamed of (i.e., giving up the idea of specifically marrying a doctor and considering someone in another profession) and "settling" for someone whom you're not attracted to and do not love.

And Philemon, I hear you, but the OP is talking about "settling" for someone whom she is not attracted to or is incompatible with, and we're advising her not to do that in the specific.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:53 PM on March 3, 2013 [5 favorites]


I agree with your distinction, EmpressC! Thanks for the reply.
posted by Philemon at 4:13 PM on March 3, 2013


hey, read this awesome column! the second letter writer sounds like you.
posted by andreapandrea at 4:40 PM on March 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


From your post, my question is more around your general life-are you living a fulfilling life otherwise? You seem to be either bored or caught in a rut. Be interesting and passionate and sooner your later you will attract the right person.
posted by pakora1 at 6:40 PM on March 3, 2013


Wow, me. (Seriously, you're single me. And probably future me, 'cause this gal is headed down a path to the aforementioned 10% statistic.) You're acutely conscious of wasting time. That's apparent. I'm not sure the sense of urgency helps.

Be aware that even a love-at-first sight experience can quickly degrade into a case of mild repulsion. Even hate. It might take a visit to your future-in-laws to figure this out. Or you might realize it after you've said your vows. Yeah, by all means avoid the ones who are mean and treat you poorly. But maybe rethink that instantaneous barf reaction.

(I know, I know. I have yet to experience this dating pool, and will later rue my words.)
posted by infinite joy at 7:42 PM on March 3, 2013


On second review, would you be happy in a marriage knowing you were pursued because you were tolerable, and (sigh), he had to marry someone?

Lack of basic respect wears things down very quickly.
posted by infinite joy at 9:04 PM on March 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


Marriage is not a stage you have to hit in your life. Marriage is something you can want in your life, but it is not a required stage of your life.


True. But, deviating from the cultural script means you have to work harder to validate your choices, and interrogate your beliefs and values in a way that people who’ve followed it don’t. There’s still an unbelievable amount of judgment of single women. (I heard the term ‘spinster’ used recently & sincerely, by someone who ought to know better.)

So some of us have been called to ask: how do I want to live? And what do I believe in? Which everyone asks themselves, but the stakes are higher for those of us off the page.

Like, what does love mean to you? (I’m not sure about it. I think people get het up for a bit, throw their lots in with each other and rationalize away the next few decades to protect their various investments - egos, as much as cars and houses and babies - and have obstacle-free access to cuddles. Which is fine, but it’s not like a metaphysical universal or anything.)

What about marriage? (I figure marriages are like jobs. Most offer a kind of middling level of satisfaction. And they require the same number of labour hours. [Badum bum.] Sure, there are some lifelong, all-around fulfilling romances between sexy equals, and probably more unhappy, asymmetric, boring unions between average-looking folks, with varying levels of dis/content in between. In all, marriage is just one way of arranging life, albeit the default, with costs and benefits like anything else.)

The way I’m feeling now, I’d be thrilled to have serial short (or no) relationships until my last days. I do wonder whether I’ll be able to carry this attitude into my 40s and 50s, though, or, have as many opportunities to act on it, given the rage-on most of society currently has against sexually active, mature, single women. Then again, norms can change fast; we’re living longer and looking better for more of it, and marriages are trending shorter too – who knows what things will be like in 20 years?

I've tried to offer a little sample of the musings/rationalizations that have not only kept 30-something me from jumping off a bridge, but allowed me to actually enjoy what I’ve got today. I encourage you to find your own.

And while I’m not anti-settling, I agree that no company’s better than bad (or 'repulsive'!) company. Definitely.
posted by nelljie at 10:33 PM on March 3, 2013 [7 favorites]


OK, slkinsey has completely demolished my unscientific guess with some hard facts. I withdraw that guess completely!

(But I stand 100% by this post.)
posted by yankeefog at 2:17 AM on March 4, 2013


deviating from the cultural script means you have to work harder to validate your choices, and interrogate your beliefs and values in a way that people who’ve followed it don’t. There’s still an unbelievable amount of judgment of single women. (I heard the term ‘spinster’ used recently & sincerely, by someone who ought to know better.)

I offered my advice as a 43-year-old who hasn't married yet and has had the same thoughts as the OP about my lack of dating life. Believe me, I know. I am also speaking as someone who really would like to find someone to stay with forever.

I just don't think that marriage is a "stage" that I am required to hit in my life is all; rather, it's an option I want.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:05 AM on March 4, 2013


The OP, like many people, wants to have a family, not a bunch of hobbies or hours spent mingling at activities gone to just to expand her social life.

I'm pretty certain that the OP doesn't just want any family situation. I think she wants a happy family, which starts with finding a loving and committed and trustworthy partner she feels confident would be a loving, helpful, and attentive father and partner.

OP, there are so many unhappy relationships out there, and so many women who have kids with guys who prove to be bad partners and bad fathers. It's something to be really careful about, no matter how much you long for a family. It's just not a good idea for you or your future children to settle for someone you don't have confidence in. So many women have done so due to societal and self-imposed pressure, and a bad marriage can have serious consequences for your health and the health/well being of your children.

That's why the advice is, "Don't settle." You really are better off without a husband/family than one in which there isn't deep mutual love and commitment.

Also, just because you're more attractive and more intelligent than the unattractive and unintelligent guys who want you, it doesn't mean they're going to see what a great deal they're getting or how lucky they are that you settled for them. They're just as likely to be players and assholes and bad partners, fathers, and husbands.
posted by discopolo at 5:24 AM on March 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


OP, there are so many unhappy relationships out there, and so many women who have kids with guys who prove to be bad partners and bad fathers. It's something to be really careful about, no matter how much you long for a family. It's just not a good idea for you or your future children to settle for someone you don't have confidence in. So many women have done so due to societal and self-imposed pressure, and a bad marriage can have serious consequences for your health and the health/well being of your children.

Yeah, let's just say that when you hear certain people's stories (one friend of mine, oh my god....now she's separated from a guy who spent most of their relationship refusing to work, but he was all for knocking up another woman with twins. And they have two disabled children.), you can't help but think that being utterly single and alone for life would have been better than settling for that guy. Who she knew was wrong, and a liar, within the first month. And even if your potential Mr. Settle isn't that horrible, do you really want a marriage like to Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice, where you're only happy when he's gone?
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:47 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think you need an expanded social circle beyond just finding men to date. Your friends are married and interact with other married people. You are single and your social life is different at this point. You don't have to give up your friends, but you do need to expand beyond them to meet more people. They are out there.

Get off the online dating site for awhile and try Meetup instead. Do some volunteering, join some clubs or groups, and just focus on meeting new people. Not just men, but people of all ages and stripes and interests. Do some new things. Make an effort to make new friends by inviting them out to do things with you, not just go to clubs & bars. Meetup is a great place to start for this (I found that it was full of people just like me), but many other options are out there.

I got on Meetup a few years ago, and it introduced me not only to a group of awesome, amazing friends (all single and in their 30s), but also to the adult community of my small college town. A few years ago, I would have told you that everyone here is either a student or married & boring. Boy, was I wrong! A whole community exists here that I didn't know about because they don't go out to the clubs & bars or do online dating. I am now part of that extended community, through which I met the (single, 30-something) man that I will marry this fall. But I also met all my great and beautiful friends, people I love so much!

Expanding my social circle in my early 30s made the last few years the best years of my life.
posted by aabbbiee at 2:25 PM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Haven't read everything above, but I think the key is to cultivate really strong same-sex friendships. Yes, I know they all are partnered up, but you've got to find more single ones. If you have to "torture" yourself by committing to "lame" meetups and the like, go with your friends and at least you can hit a late-night restaurant with your buds to laugh it off if it didn't go well.

I met my wife after going to a string of the lamest social meetups you could imagine, dozens probably. Turns out my wife was doing the same thing. FWIW, some of the late-night diner burgers and fries blowouts with my buds were better than 99% of the dates I went on in my life, wifey notwithstanding.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:57 PM on March 4, 2013


Should I go for someone like that for the sake of getting to the next stage of my life? Or should I accept staying single and not having a family?

this can only be read as you want to have kids. if you can afford it, do it. if not, try a mentoring program, or be a foster care parent. if it's as bad as you say it is, why wouldn't you do the "next stage" of your life without getting married?
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:31 PM on March 4, 2013


Honestly if you settle or marry or procreate just for the sake of doing it on your timetable with the resources available to you and an idealistic state of mind, then you'll be just like me, who could have written your entire question word-for-word except for that I'm a single mom on top of all of that.
Don't walk into a situation where there's a high probability of giving yourself or your kids a messy divorce to deal with. Wait and be patient for the right guy to come into your life, I really wish that I had.
I'm actually looking forward to dating in my 30's. I've found a lot of people in their 20's don't know what they want out of life, aren't ripened enough to make good partners and lack life experience and maturity. It's definitely not as bleak as you think out there.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 10:04 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also, just because you're more attractive and more intelligent than the unattractive and unintelligent guys who want you, it doesn't mean they're going to see what a great deal they're getting or how lucky they are that you settled for them. They're just as likely to be players and assholes and bad partners, fathers, and husbands.

I love this. This is so true.

Is early 30s late to get married? I'm seriously asking this. I didn't know that. Don't people get married all the time, and then remarried sometimes, in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond?

Isn't it more practical to just wait until you're in love instead of having to get married, divorce the first one, and then find another one? Personally I think you are doing the much more efficient thing, as well as the more romantic thing by waiting.
posted by kettleoffish at 9:24 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


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