in need of a reality check, possibly?
March 2, 2013 4:44 PM Subscribe
Hello! Over the past summer I was coming out of (what I now view as) an abusive relationship with someone who is likely an alcoholic. There was violence, a ton of debt, cruel language, cheating on several levels, etc. I posted about it here. I went total NC with that one, despite his continued attempts to keep in contact with me, and didn't date at all or even contemplate a new relationship until the end of the holidays when I met a guy who totally took me by surprise and seemed amazing. I told him up front that I was coming off of an abusive relationship and had been cheated on repeatedly, with both strangers as well as my ex-'s "closest female friends", so I was highly sensitive to certain things and wasn't quite sure if I was healed enough yet. He told me that he was already loving who I was, and accepted me so far, and that I was "worth it" and so forth. I decided to give it a go.
Basically, it became long distance, and has now been going on about 3 months. He recently made plans to travel from his current college to a nearby college, where he used to attend, to visit a bunch of college friends. I was supportive of that idea, but also expressed some insecurities about him getting drunk with girls I've never met--some of them girls he's dated or hooked up with--when that exact scenario is how I was repeatedly cheated on. I never wanted him to NOT go, I just wanted to talk about it and feel heard and reassured I suppose, and every time over a period of 2 weeks he blew it off, changed the subject, or became offended in some way even though I made it about MY issues and assured him I was owning the problem.
So, the day came for him to leave, and it happened to be his birthday. The night before, he'd referred to me imploring him to talk about my feelings as "bitching" and he "didn't want to deal with it" and then ended the call prematurely. It took me totally by surprise since over the past few months he'd been so understanding and supportive. So on his birthday, I said "I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a fun time with your friends, and I think this might be a great opportunity for me to take a few days to myself to think about these issues I've been having. Why don't you focus on having fun and we'll come back to this in a few days?" I said, "I love you, I still want to be with you and come visit and see you, I just want to do the right thing for us." Well, he lost his shit. He told me it was shitty of me and I was ruining his birthday and his weekend. I reaffirmed my feelings and my commitment, and reminded him (AS HE KNOWS) that after my last relationship I need a LOT of processing and alone time when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.
A day goes by and I look on his Twitter account, both out of guilt and curiosity, honestly kind of hoping I won't see anything that makes me feel like total shit about it. I see him "tweeting at" 5-6 different girls, using various "hottie"-related hashtags, saying things like "I better see Amanda while I'm in town #myfavehottie" and "Hey Brittany is your sister going to be in town? I'd love to take her to dinner #hottienumberone." (which is apparently some kind of inside joke) He also posted several things that were along the lines of "my dog is the only woman who's never let me down" and "it's nice when someone who supposedly cares about you ruins your birthday." Then later he updated and I found out he got drunk and spent all night with some chick he once had a thing for, hanging out until 5 a.m. (my ex did that same thing once and ended up sleeping with the girl in our bed, and not telling me about it until I found her glasses underneath when I was cleaning one day)
I texted him, told him that I didn't know what was happening or why I deserved to see that, but that he was a jerk for it. His response was, "Yeah I'm a real horrible guy for calling my friends hotties. I'm such a horrible guy." We haven't spoken since.
Honestly I feel ready to walk from this relationship even though things were otherwise developing at a pace I was comfortable with and he seemed like a good guy. We had fun, I was attracted, he was respectful and gentle and kind... This guy was calling me 7 days a week, texting me all day about how wonderful and special and great I was, actually got an EXTRA JOB on the side just to be able to fund trips solely to visit me because he misses me so much... So am I just way too sensitive and unstable and still raw? Or is being that much of a jerk about a sensitive issue a red flag? Is that really even him being a jerk or am I still reading too much into things and expecting to get cheated/pooped all over again?
Thank you guys, again, for any of your wonderful feedback. If anyone sees this who gave me advice the last go around--THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It really meant a lot!
Basically, it became long distance, and has now been going on about 3 months. He recently made plans to travel from his current college to a nearby college, where he used to attend, to visit a bunch of college friends. I was supportive of that idea, but also expressed some insecurities about him getting drunk with girls I've never met--some of them girls he's dated or hooked up with--when that exact scenario is how I was repeatedly cheated on. I never wanted him to NOT go, I just wanted to talk about it and feel heard and reassured I suppose, and every time over a period of 2 weeks he blew it off, changed the subject, or became offended in some way even though I made it about MY issues and assured him I was owning the problem.
So, the day came for him to leave, and it happened to be his birthday. The night before, he'd referred to me imploring him to talk about my feelings as "bitching" and he "didn't want to deal with it" and then ended the call prematurely. It took me totally by surprise since over the past few months he'd been so understanding and supportive. So on his birthday, I said "I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a fun time with your friends, and I think this might be a great opportunity for me to take a few days to myself to think about these issues I've been having. Why don't you focus on having fun and we'll come back to this in a few days?" I said, "I love you, I still want to be with you and come visit and see you, I just want to do the right thing for us." Well, he lost his shit. He told me it was shitty of me and I was ruining his birthday and his weekend. I reaffirmed my feelings and my commitment, and reminded him (AS HE KNOWS) that after my last relationship I need a LOT of processing and alone time when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.
A day goes by and I look on his Twitter account, both out of guilt and curiosity, honestly kind of hoping I won't see anything that makes me feel like total shit about it. I see him "tweeting at" 5-6 different girls, using various "hottie"-related hashtags, saying things like "I better see Amanda while I'm in town #myfavehottie" and "Hey Brittany is your sister going to be in town? I'd love to take her to dinner #hottienumberone." (which is apparently some kind of inside joke) He also posted several things that were along the lines of "my dog is the only woman who's never let me down" and "it's nice when someone who supposedly cares about you ruins your birthday." Then later he updated and I found out he got drunk and spent all night with some chick he once had a thing for, hanging out until 5 a.m. (my ex did that same thing once and ended up sleeping with the girl in our bed, and not telling me about it until I found her glasses underneath when I was cleaning one day)
I texted him, told him that I didn't know what was happening or why I deserved to see that, but that he was a jerk for it. His response was, "Yeah I'm a real horrible guy for calling my friends hotties. I'm such a horrible guy." We haven't spoken since.
Honestly I feel ready to walk from this relationship even though things were otherwise developing at a pace I was comfortable with and he seemed like a good guy. We had fun, I was attracted, he was respectful and gentle and kind... This guy was calling me 7 days a week, texting me all day about how wonderful and special and great I was, actually got an EXTRA JOB on the side just to be able to fund trips solely to visit me because he misses me so much... So am I just way too sensitive and unstable and still raw? Or is being that much of a jerk about a sensitive issue a red flag? Is that really even him being a jerk or am I still reading too much into things and expecting to get cheated/pooped all over again?
Thank you guys, again, for any of your wonderful feedback. If anyone sees this who gave me advice the last go around--THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. It really meant a lot!
You have a random internet stranger's permission to break up with this guy. You also have a random internet stranger's opinions that he's been a jerk to you for a long time and this is probably the best thing for both of you.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:53 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 4:53 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
There's no way of knowing from your post whether you are "unstable" or whether he is a "jerk" but the bottom line is that this guy isn't meeting your needs. You know what to do.
posted by headnsouth at 4:55 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 4:55 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
It sounds like his interpretation of events is that you broke up with him on his birthday. Which, to be fair, you kind of did do.
He's not exactly handling it in the most mature or understanding manner possible, and it sounds frankly like you're dodging a bullet.
posted by ook at 4:55 PM on March 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
He's not exactly handling it in the most mature or understanding manner possible, and it sounds frankly like you're dodging a bullet.
posted by ook at 4:55 PM on March 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
This is a passive-aggressive ass. Unlike taff, I don't think he meant to dump you, as much as he meant for it to seem like a dumping IF he wanted to dump you, but also to keep things clear for a sobbing crawling-back-to-you if he needed a fallback. I also don't think it sounded like you were breaking up with him, either -- just giving him notice that you needed to work on some issues.
If a guy does Nice Things for you, but acts like an ass to you when the chips are down, he is not a good man. He was simply doing maintenance on you, the way he might wash and wax a car every weekend, and doing Nice Things to keep you in good working order.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:57 PM on March 2, 2013 [22 favorites]
If a guy does Nice Things for you, but acts like an ass to you when the chips are down, he is not a good man. He was simply doing maintenance on you, the way he might wash and wax a car every weekend, and doing Nice Things to keep you in good working order.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:57 PM on March 2, 2013 [22 favorites]
There are a jerks out there who make all kinds of "good guy" promises and then turn out to be jerks. Actions speak louder than words.
Dump him, cut contact, and then be more careful who you decide to trust. Be your best friend and ally. Stick to not dating.
I wish dating an abusive person worked to keep you from making the same mistakes again, but it doesn't. I wish asking people not to hurt you the way you've been repeatedly hurt made them careful and sympathetic and compassionate, but it doesn't always work out like that.
posted by discopolo at 5:00 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
Dump him, cut contact, and then be more careful who you decide to trust. Be your best friend and ally. Stick to not dating.
I wish dating an abusive person worked to keep you from making the same mistakes again, but it doesn't. I wish asking people not to hurt you the way you've been repeatedly hurt made them careful and sympathetic and compassionate, but it doesn't always work out like that.
posted by discopolo at 5:00 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
This just seems too messy to continue with. I think if you keep going, you're going to hurt your own healing re: your last relationship. Better to move on now.
posted by heyjude at 5:01 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by heyjude at 5:01 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you are totally right and not in need of a "reality check" from anyone else, I think you are seeing the reality for what it is.
posted by cairdeas at 5:17 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cairdeas at 5:17 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
And I think this is what dating is for, to get to know someone and see if the way they are right at first when they are on their best behavior is going to hold up as time goes by, when you guys deal with a variety of different circumstances, when they are under stress, and so on. So if you get the urge to beat yourself up for not "seeing" this behavior off the bat, don't.
posted by cairdeas at 5:18 PM on March 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 5:18 PM on March 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
It sounds to me like you should be alone for awhile. Consider him your rebound guy. Take the time you need to process everything and get yourself straight until you are confident that you are ready for a relationship. Remember, he had to talk you into dating him. Maybe he couldn't live with your trust issues after all. Or maybe he was an ass and cheating on you. Either way, you didn't really trust him.
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:19 PM on March 2, 2013
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:19 PM on March 2, 2013
People don't act like this when they like and respect one another. I say this relationship is no good and should be dropped.
posted by xingcat at 5:19 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 5:19 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
Dating is such a crap shoot. Thankfully it only took you 3 months to find out this guy is a total loser. This will not get better, DTMFA and move on. It's probably best not to date anyone for a while too. At least next time, your red flag meter will be a little stronger and don't hesitate to drop people who ring your alarm bells.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:29 PM on March 2, 2013
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:29 PM on March 2, 2013
The guy sounds like an ass.
It doesn't sound like you were being oversensitive or paranoid leading up to his birthday/trip back to his old college, it sounds like your spidey sense was tingling in a way that turned out to be 100% accurate and I strongly suspect he took advantage of your sensitivity to make you doubt your own suspicious inklings leading up to his trip, since accusations of being "bitchy" and not wanting to deal with your girlfriend's emotions tend not to come out of nowhere from guys who are committed and emotionally available.
posted by alphanerd at 5:31 PM on March 2, 2013 [13 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you were being oversensitive or paranoid leading up to his birthday/trip back to his old college, it sounds like your spidey sense was tingling in a way that turned out to be 100% accurate and I strongly suspect he took advantage of your sensitivity to make you doubt your own suspicious inklings leading up to his trip, since accusations of being "bitchy" and not wanting to deal with your girlfriend's emotions tend not to come out of nowhere from guys who are committed and emotionally available.
posted by alphanerd at 5:31 PM on March 2, 2013 [13 favorites]
I'm not sure it matters if he cheated or not, because he was obviously a big jerk about it all. Also, though, I could see how it might be hard for him not be trusted when it was the last guy who proved he was untrustworthy. You say he kept blowing off this issue over the course of two weeks. How much were you bringing it up? Maybe he was overwhelmed. It sounds like he lacks the maturity to deal productively with this. I wonder if you were also projecting onto him some of your anxieties from your last relationship.
You said you all got together at the end of the holidays, so is that around early January? And you've been dealing with this issue for 2-3 weeks now, which means you had a pretty big falling out after, what, maybe 1-2 months into this relationship.
I know it hurts, but maybe it's good that it's happening now. You all are not a good match, and no one has to be bad or wrong or terrible for it not to work out with you guys.
You seem pretty raw. Maybe you got caught up in this new relationship too quickly and before you were really ready. Good luck moving forward. I say block this guy everywhere and try to move on.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:40 PM on March 2, 2013
You said you all got together at the end of the holidays, so is that around early January? And you've been dealing with this issue for 2-3 weeks now, which means you had a pretty big falling out after, what, maybe 1-2 months into this relationship.
I know it hurts, but maybe it's good that it's happening now. You all are not a good match, and no one has to be bad or wrong or terrible for it not to work out with you guys.
You seem pretty raw. Maybe you got caught up in this new relationship too quickly and before you were really ready. Good luck moving forward. I say block this guy everywhere and try to move on.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:40 PM on March 2, 2013
He sounds selfish and immature, and you sound nowhere near ready for another relationship.
I agree that this is totally going to set back your healing. Break it off.
posted by Salamander at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree that this is totally going to set back your healing. Break it off.
posted by Salamander at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Okay. You needed something from the relationship, which is a bit of reassurance dealing with some past tender spots, a signal that your feelings matter and will be taken into account. You asked him for what you needed. He was totally unwilling to give it to you, said he "didn't want to deal with your bitching", and totally blew up into a sarcastic disrespectful mess. I could cut him some slack because it stings a bit to have your honor questioned without reason, but I can't forgive him for the passive aggressive nastiness in his response. He's telling you straight up that he doesn't care about your feelings.
There are two things that could happen when you ask for something you need. It can result in a shared understanding like you desired, where your fears are reassured. Or, it can get thrown back in your face, which is what happened. If you don't ask for what you need, the odds are very likely that you will never reach that shared understanding. A good partner will always be willing to work with you to reach that shared understanding, even if it involves gently reassuring you without apologizing or changing their behavior at all -- this is what a healthy boundary looks like. You aren't with such a partner right now and you should leave this relationship. But I want to implore you to learn the right lesson from this. Asking for what you need is a good thing, even though it can lead to the end of a relationship. In order to be happy and healthy you need a partner who values your own needs, and if your partner is not such a person, you should not stay with them. Better to find out than to keep quiet and slowly suffer, devaluing your own needs until there is nothing left of you.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:51 PM on March 2, 2013 [14 favorites]
There are two things that could happen when you ask for something you need. It can result in a shared understanding like you desired, where your fears are reassured. Or, it can get thrown back in your face, which is what happened. If you don't ask for what you need, the odds are very likely that you will never reach that shared understanding. A good partner will always be willing to work with you to reach that shared understanding, even if it involves gently reassuring you without apologizing or changing their behavior at all -- this is what a healthy boundary looks like. You aren't with such a partner right now and you should leave this relationship. But I want to implore you to learn the right lesson from this. Asking for what you need is a good thing, even though it can lead to the end of a relationship. In order to be happy and healthy you need a partner who values your own needs, and if your partner is not such a person, you should not stay with them. Better to find out than to keep quiet and slowly suffer, devaluing your own needs until there is nothing left of you.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:51 PM on March 2, 2013 [14 favorites]
I should add. Part of what can happen when you ask for something you need is that the other person asserts a boundary -- 'i'm not willing to change my behavior in this way' -- and it's up to you to decide whether there are other ways you might fulfill this need, or whether this is a dealbreaker of an issue, or whether the need is maybe even not healthy for you and something you should work on personally. If you'd expressed a need that he never talk to an ex-girlfriend again, he would have been quite correct to say he is not willing to do that since that crosses his boundaries and asks him to sacrifice things that are normal and healthy for him. But even if this is the case, even if there's perhaps some lingering issues causing you to ask for things that aren't reasonable or healthy, your partner could still gently push back without making you feel like shit. The unwillingness to even listen to your concerns (let alone respond to them) is what's really bothering me here.
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:29 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:29 PM on March 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
He IS a horrible guy. Any guy who would deal with the situation like this is pretty horrible. Even if you were being over-the-line, dealing with it by flying out and passive-aggressively tweeting at a bunch of girls, deliberately preying on your insecurities, is horrible. This guy is definitely horrible. You're lucky.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:31 PM on March 2, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 7:31 PM on March 2, 2013 [9 favorites]
Also it's normal for people even WITHOUT a history of being cheated on to want some kind of reassurance about what's going to happen when their partner travels somewhere to get drunk with a bunch of old friends, many of whom are hot people of the opposite sex. If he were a good partner to you he would have been more than willing to reassure you or ask what would make you feel comfortable of his own volition. This guy seriously sucks. A lot of people are going to suggest that you think about "your issues" in this situation, but honestly, I'm sure you're in an ongoing process of doing that, and despite where you're at, this guy behaved like a very lonely jerk.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:34 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 7:34 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
since accusations of being "bitchy" and not wanting to deal with your girlfriend's emotions tend not to come out of nowhere from guys who are committed and emotionally available
Seriously seriously seriously. Repeat this to yourself until it's a part of who you are. It takes an uncommitted asshole to act the way your guy acted.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:36 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
Seriously seriously seriously. Repeat this to yourself until it's a part of who you are. It takes an uncommitted asshole to act the way your guy acted.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:36 PM on March 2, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: hey, i'm sorry you're hurting right now. on the one hand, i agree with basically everyone's opinion that you are no longer in a relationship and that it's probably for the best. and i was content to leave it at that, until i read the title of your post and decided that possibly another view of the situation could help you in the future. so here it is.
so, from this guy's perspective, he got an extra job, came to see you as much as he could, contacted you every single day, and reassured you as much as he could humanly do. classic "good guy" moves. then he wanted to hang out with some old friends, and you kept saying you wanted to talk to him about it because you were uncomfortable. because it was on your mind, you kept repeating it a few times; he was uncomfortable and tried in his stumbly, totally uncommunicative way to reassure you, and then change the subject so you wouldn't worry, and then you randomly freaked out and broke up with him on his birthday. (we already know your side of the story, and i think it's clear that overall people empathize with you on these issues, i'm just painting the picture from the other side here.)
from his perspective, that sucks. so to hide his hurt, he vaguebooked about it and then tried to soothe his hurt feelings by publicly trying to get the attention of other girls. is that stupid? totally. is he a jerk when he feels threatened? yup. should you be with this guy? no.
but really, maybe he has a history too? like past issues with an over-the-top possessive girlfriend, so he sees your valid concern as jealous nagging and guilt tripping and coercion, even though that's not what your intention is. and you see his wanting to hang out with friends as an opportunity for him to cheat, even though that likely wasn't his intention in the first place.
as people mature, they have the opportunity to learn from these unfortunate situations. it sounds to me like this guy was genuinely into you and was doing as good of a job of being calm and stable and supportive as he could. but a) he is limited by a lack of ability to communicate and b) you have some (understandably) high needs.
you can't really fix his communication style, and it sounds like you're working on your needs. some questions you might ask yourself are:
what did i want to say to him about the visit with his friends?
what could he possibly have said that would have actually reassured me?
has he proven to me that he is a trustworthy person?
what feelings does this bring up inside me that actually have nothing to do with him?
is this one of those things that a long conversation can fix?
in general, this sounds like one of those unfortunate circumstances where something awesome just gets messed up by one bad event after the next. the good news is that you get to try this again with someone else, which may sound unappealing right now but is actually a limitless adventure waiting around the corner.
good luck, you're a good person.
posted by andreapandrea at 9:58 PM on March 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
so, from this guy's perspective, he got an extra job, came to see you as much as he could, contacted you every single day, and reassured you as much as he could humanly do. classic "good guy" moves. then he wanted to hang out with some old friends, and you kept saying you wanted to talk to him about it because you were uncomfortable. because it was on your mind, you kept repeating it a few times; he was uncomfortable and tried in his stumbly, totally uncommunicative way to reassure you, and then change the subject so you wouldn't worry, and then you randomly freaked out and broke up with him on his birthday. (we already know your side of the story, and i think it's clear that overall people empathize with you on these issues, i'm just painting the picture from the other side here.)
from his perspective, that sucks. so to hide his hurt, he vaguebooked about it and then tried to soothe his hurt feelings by publicly trying to get the attention of other girls. is that stupid? totally. is he a jerk when he feels threatened? yup. should you be with this guy? no.
but really, maybe he has a history too? like past issues with an over-the-top possessive girlfriend, so he sees your valid concern as jealous nagging and guilt tripping and coercion, even though that's not what your intention is. and you see his wanting to hang out with friends as an opportunity for him to cheat, even though that likely wasn't his intention in the first place.
as people mature, they have the opportunity to learn from these unfortunate situations. it sounds to me like this guy was genuinely into you and was doing as good of a job of being calm and stable and supportive as he could. but a) he is limited by a lack of ability to communicate and b) you have some (understandably) high needs.
you can't really fix his communication style, and it sounds like you're working on your needs. some questions you might ask yourself are:
what did i want to say to him about the visit with his friends?
what could he possibly have said that would have actually reassured me?
has he proven to me that he is a trustworthy person?
what feelings does this bring up inside me that actually have nothing to do with him?
is this one of those things that a long conversation can fix?
in general, this sounds like one of those unfortunate circumstances where something awesome just gets messed up by one bad event after the next. the good news is that you get to try this again with someone else, which may sound unappealing right now but is actually a limitless adventure waiting around the corner.
good luck, you're a good person.
posted by andreapandrea at 9:58 PM on March 2, 2013 [6 favorites]
Nah. My read is he's passive-aggressive and moody and immature. He wants to be able to be clingy and have constant reassurance that he's loved and trusted, while maintaining his own freedom and not having to bend on his own emotional moodiness or face uncomfortable conversations. I've seen this type a million times. Basically it's just extreme emotional immaturity. He was into you, in a puppy-dog-gushy kind of way (y'all were already saying "I love you" after 3 months, so that's a thing), but when you wanted actual grown-up communication and boundary clarification before his trip he balked. Waaah, that sounds waaaaaaaay too much like work, not nearly enough like you being his ever-doting doormat. You spoiled his fantasy. I highly doubt he thought you were breaking up with him - more that you were bringing your negative, bitchiness to "spoil" his day with thoughts of breaks and thinking about Issues. How fucking dare you.
So he got nasty, snarky, and completely jerky, to put you in your place. Ideally, in his world, you will now be appropriately upset and worked up and insecure and pissed, he can tell you how it's your fault and maybe imply that you broke up with him (while knowing full well you didn't), he can gaslight you into thinking everything he did was because of you, and hope that you crawl back and apologize and he can look like the victim.
DON'T DO IT.
posted by celtalitha at 10:47 PM on March 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
So he got nasty, snarky, and completely jerky, to put you in your place. Ideally, in his world, you will now be appropriately upset and worked up and insecure and pissed, he can tell you how it's your fault and maybe imply that you broke up with him (while knowing full well you didn't), he can gaslight you into thinking everything he did was because of you, and hope that you crawl back and apologize and he can look like the victim.
DON'T DO IT.
posted by celtalitha at 10:47 PM on March 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
Oh, and if you ask if he slept with the girl, I guarantee you he blows up and acts suuuuuper offended, like you just insulted his mama. Betcha $10.
posted by celtalitha at 10:50 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by celtalitha at 10:50 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your actions stung him, hurt his feelings. He, knowing you'd likely read them, he posts these lame statements on twitter, so you can hurt, too -- misery LOVES company -- and also so he can save face w/r/t you IE telling you and anyone else who follows him online 'Hey, lookit me, I'm already out here and having fun, orumi didn't touch me; look at me, out here living large!'
As others in this thread have noted, it'd sure be interesting to see him write his take on all of this; it would perhaps broaden the story some. In any case, given what you have told us, I'd say that it's sure time to wave him goodbye.
Should you decide to tell him goodbye in person, F2F, bring a trusted friend with you, who will haul you out of there within five minutes, no longer than that, no matter what; I've had friends do that for me when I don't trust myself to not fold.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:46 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
As others in this thread have noted, it'd sure be interesting to see him write his take on all of this; it would perhaps broaden the story some. In any case, given what you have told us, I'd say that it's sure time to wave him goodbye.
Should you decide to tell him goodbye in person, F2F, bring a trusted friend with you, who will haul you out of there within five minutes, no longer than that, no matter what; I've had friends do that for me when I don't trust myself to not fold.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:46 PM on March 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't know this fellow, but I'll share my extremely cynical first thought: At the point where he knew he would be going back and seeing all the friends/"hotties" it became inconvenient to have a girlfriend he was supposed to stay faithful to. It would be much more convenient to be "on a break," or broken up at least for that period. But it would be too transparent for him to initiate this status, so he exploited something he knew you had insecurities about by refusing to reassure you or talk it through in order to manipulate/maneuver you to react, thereby giving him his excuse: you broke up with him! you let him down! you ruined his birthday! ... and therefore he could proceed unencumbered by promises, expectations, or guilt. Because, really, you practically forced him to find solace with someone else!
It's obviously impossible to say that this is what happened, but it is certainly the sort of thing that does happen with certain types of people. Either way, it doesn't seem very promising between you if this is the kind of thing that's cropping up already. I personally would be cutting my losses at this point, because whatever the actual situation, there's obviously not only a misalignment of expectations (possibly understandable in early days), but the exact sort of scenario that you described and feared came about, which is just too on the nose to ignore ... plus that twitter stuff is way too silly and dumb for me to ever take that person seriously as a love interest, unless maybe we're both 12. But no, not even then.
posted by taz at 1:29 AM on March 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
It's obviously impossible to say that this is what happened, but it is certainly the sort of thing that does happen with certain types of people. Either way, it doesn't seem very promising between you if this is the kind of thing that's cropping up already. I personally would be cutting my losses at this point, because whatever the actual situation, there's obviously not only a misalignment of expectations (possibly understandable in early days), but the exact sort of scenario that you described and feared came about, which is just too on the nose to ignore ... plus that twitter stuff is way too silly and dumb for me to ever take that person seriously as a love interest, unless maybe we're both 12. But no, not even then.
posted by taz at 1:29 AM on March 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
Girl! You need to find a nice guy! The kind who will not be deliberately cruel even if he is angry and breaking up with you. Deliberate cruelness is never ok. I think you should try dating different types than you have been - perhaps older and more mature?
posted by yarly at 6:35 AM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 6:35 AM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Good on you for getting out of the previous relationship.
But:
I told him up front that I was coming off of an abusive relationship and had been cheated on repeatedly, with both strangers as well as my ex-'s "closest female friends", so I was highly sensitive to certain things and wasn't quite sure if I was healed enough yet. He told me that he was already loving who I was, and accepted me so far, and that I was "worth it" and so forth.
I won't pretend to understand the mechanism behind this, but telling someone this at the beginning is like waving a red flag in front of a relationship bull. The other person will either say "I'd never do that" and then do precisely that, or do something equally terrible at the end.
Please wait until you feel safe and comfortable with someone before telling them about this. That timeline should be on the order of months, not days. I know it sounds like I'm implying that being open and communicative is bad, but I am not. I am not saying you need to be cold and closed off, I'm saying you need to take care of yourself. You can tell people that you are not ready for a relationship, or you need to take it slow, or you are just not sure, because all those things can be true whether you just came out of a bad situation or not.
From your previous post and this one, you really sound like a kind, generous, trusting, loving person. Not everyone automatically deserves your care and attention.
posted by ziggly at 7:07 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
But:
I told him up front that I was coming off of an abusive relationship and had been cheated on repeatedly, with both strangers as well as my ex-'s "closest female friends", so I was highly sensitive to certain things and wasn't quite sure if I was healed enough yet. He told me that he was already loving who I was, and accepted me so far, and that I was "worth it" and so forth.
I won't pretend to understand the mechanism behind this, but telling someone this at the beginning is like waving a red flag in front of a relationship bull. The other person will either say "I'd never do that" and then do precisely that, or do something equally terrible at the end.
Please wait until you feel safe and comfortable with someone before telling them about this. That timeline should be on the order of months, not days. I know it sounds like I'm implying that being open and communicative is bad, but I am not. I am not saying you need to be cold and closed off, I'm saying you need to take care of yourself. You can tell people that you are not ready for a relationship, or you need to take it slow, or you are just not sure, because all those things can be true whether you just came out of a bad situation or not.
From your previous post and this one, you really sound like a kind, generous, trusting, loving person. Not everyone automatically deserves your care and attention.
posted by ziggly at 7:07 AM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Keep your dignity and let it go. Unfriend, don't call him, you know the drill.
You stuck your toe in the water, and it didn't work out. Most of the people we date don't end up being LTR material.
You might want to evaluate why you want to be with guys who put themselves in situations that make you (and most other folks) uncomfortable.
There are people out there who have friends with benefits agreements within their friend group. Good for them if they can make it work, to me it seems like these folks have boundary issues. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers.
This guy didn't respect your concerns. That alone is reason to see that perhaps this wasn't a good deal for you.
You need to be with someone who's completely transparent and upfront with you. Take time away from dating, at least a year. Reconnect with friends, get into hobbies, find out what makes you happy.
Men are like busses, wait a while, there will be another one, and this time, it will go in the same direction you want to go in.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:43 AM on March 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
You stuck your toe in the water, and it didn't work out. Most of the people we date don't end up being LTR material.
You might want to evaluate why you want to be with guys who put themselves in situations that make you (and most other folks) uncomfortable.
There are people out there who have friends with benefits agreements within their friend group. Good for them if they can make it work, to me it seems like these folks have boundary issues. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers.
This guy didn't respect your concerns. That alone is reason to see that perhaps this wasn't a good deal for you.
You need to be with someone who's completely transparent and upfront with you. Take time away from dating, at least a year. Reconnect with friends, get into hobbies, find out what makes you happy.
Men are like busses, wait a while, there will be another one, and this time, it will go in the same direction you want to go in.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:43 AM on March 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ugh. People who communicate with people in their lives by talking about them in third person on social networking sites are the worst. Being rid of this guy is a gift. Take it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:31 PM on March 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:31 PM on March 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I am so sorry this happened to you. It is in no way your fault, based on what you've posted here.
I know that one of my greatest fears about ever dating again is that I'll be abused again - either because I just don't know how to pick men, or because I deserve it, or a combination of those two things. The truth is that neither of those things is the case: I'm worthy of love and respect, just like you. I made a bad decision once, but I won't make it again.
This guy sort of did you a favor (I know it doesn't feel that way, and I am so sorry this happened) by showing you his true colors now. Remember how awful being abused was? You don't have to do that ever, ever again. Someone on Metafilter said to me in a thread that now that I'd been in an abusive relationship, that I had a superpower: that superpower was recognizing abuse, and that I would never have to go through it again.
I'm not saying this new guy is abusive; he's probably just simply not good enough. What he did is not OK, and you should not stick around to see if he continues doing it.
You don't have to have been abused to be worried about your boyfriend hanging out with a bunch of "hotties", tweeting about how hot they are, by the way. Your concerns were valid irrespective of your past, especially the way you brought them up. Taking ownership of the issue and saying "it's not you; it's me, I need you to reassure me here" was the right way to handle this. He was not a stand-up guy when faced with your concerns. He was a jerk about it, and you don't deserve that. No one does.
Take some time to heal. I highly recommend joining a domestic violence survivors support group. That was unbelievably helpful for my healing, which is ongoing.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your previous relationship for what it was and for leaving and staying out. That takes tremendous courage and strength. You are awesome, and you deserve an equally awesome partner who will take care of you when you need it (just as you will do for him).
posted by sockermom at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2013
I know that one of my greatest fears about ever dating again is that I'll be abused again - either because I just don't know how to pick men, or because I deserve it, or a combination of those two things. The truth is that neither of those things is the case: I'm worthy of love and respect, just like you. I made a bad decision once, but I won't make it again.
This guy sort of did you a favor (I know it doesn't feel that way, and I am so sorry this happened) by showing you his true colors now. Remember how awful being abused was? You don't have to do that ever, ever again. Someone on Metafilter said to me in a thread that now that I'd been in an abusive relationship, that I had a superpower: that superpower was recognizing abuse, and that I would never have to go through it again.
I'm not saying this new guy is abusive; he's probably just simply not good enough. What he did is not OK, and you should not stick around to see if he continues doing it.
You don't have to have been abused to be worried about your boyfriend hanging out with a bunch of "hotties", tweeting about how hot they are, by the way. Your concerns were valid irrespective of your past, especially the way you brought them up. Taking ownership of the issue and saying "it's not you; it's me, I need you to reassure me here" was the right way to handle this. He was not a stand-up guy when faced with your concerns. He was a jerk about it, and you don't deserve that. No one does.
Take some time to heal. I highly recommend joining a domestic violence survivors support group. That was unbelievably helpful for my healing, which is ongoing.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your previous relationship for what it was and for leaving and staying out. That takes tremendous courage and strength. You are awesome, and you deserve an equally awesome partner who will take care of you when you need it (just as you will do for him).
posted by sockermom at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2013
My read on this is he dismissed your concerns because they were valid.
Break up with him. Don't look at his Twitter any more.
posted by RainyJay at 8:48 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Break up with him. Don't look at his Twitter any more.
posted by RainyJay at 8:48 AM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Deliberate cruelness is never ok.
Deliberate cruelty is not forgiveable!
posted by zipadee at 9:23 AM on March 5, 2013
Deliberate cruelty is not forgiveable!
posted by zipadee at 9:23 AM on March 5, 2013
"This guy was calling me 7 days a week, texting me all day about how wonderful and special and great I was," = red flag. Another one: "He told me that he was already loving who I was". If the guy just met you and barely knows you, these kind of statements are probably insincere and manipulative. Most likely he is a player.
Another possibility is that he has vast capacity for self-deception in his own favor. Some people carry around a mental image of the perfect partner, and superimpose that image onto anybody they date, which makes them feel like they are perfectly in love with this amazing person. As they get to know the actual real person, they feel "betrayed" that s/he is not living up to the fictional ideal (which they may not even have openly described). They often feel resentful that the real person has real emotional needs and is not just there to create good feelings in the other.
For Pete's sake, it's only a 3-month relationship. It's not worth agonizing over this much. You've only invested 3 months, so just move on. It's not like you've been married for 10 years and have kids together. Even in that case, I would advise you to drop this guy like a hot potato (or, as Dan Savage would say, DTMFA) because he is a selfish, cheating dickwad.
Please read "If the Buddha Dated". It's funny, but it also has really helpful concrete advice for people with no experience of healthy relationships who are trying to find one.
posted by r0w at 11:54 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another possibility is that he has vast capacity for self-deception in his own favor. Some people carry around a mental image of the perfect partner, and superimpose that image onto anybody they date, which makes them feel like they are perfectly in love with this amazing person. As they get to know the actual real person, they feel "betrayed" that s/he is not living up to the fictional ideal (which they may not even have openly described). They often feel resentful that the real person has real emotional needs and is not just there to create good feelings in the other.
For Pete's sake, it's only a 3-month relationship. It's not worth agonizing over this much. You've only invested 3 months, so just move on. It's not like you've been married for 10 years and have kids together. Even in that case, I would advise you to drop this guy like a hot potato (or, as Dan Savage would say, DTMFA) because he is a selfish, cheating dickwad.
Please read "If the Buddha Dated". It's funny, but it also has really helpful concrete advice for people with no experience of healthy relationships who are trying to find one.
posted by r0w at 11:54 AM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hello all! I wanted to wait for the weekend to come and go before I posted a follow up for anyone who was interested, and also to show my appreciation for ALL of your feedback. (as usual)
I'd originally told my boyfriend that I wanted space until he got home. He apparently waited until the minute he got home on Sunday night to get in touch and ask if I was ready to talk. Truth be told, I blew up at him about it, because he maintained that he'd done absolutely nothing wrong. I concede that he may have stubbornly insisted this because I did completely blow up, acted really out of character for me and very inappropriately, and I'm assuming he just made his mind up to dig his heels in.
I consequently apologized for the way I handled it, despite affirming that I did still find his behavior disrespectful, and he seemed put off by the confrontation. Since then, he's told me that he himself doesn't want to end things with me but also needs "time" in light of how I mishandled the discussion Sunday evening. (I did use some pretty spiteful, mean language) I gave him a couple of days to mull it over, but decided that given the greater context of the relationship and how that was clearly out of character for me, I believed I should've been given the benefit of the doubt after several months. I'd apologized profusely but he refused to accept that earnest apology and work through it together. I also found his reaction completely lacking in compassion or sensitivity, his unwillingness to discuss very unsettling, and his insistence in having his own space now to be purely manipulative and cruel.
So I told him that it wasn't working, that I wanted to end things, and that I was sorry things fell apart so rapidly after seemingly going well for so long. I wished him well and haven't responded to his contact since. I was obviously still open-minded about our relationship despite that event, but I honestly took all of your objective thoughts into account and it meant a lot to me to have this resource when I finally brought down the axe. Thank you all so much! This website is wonderful.
posted by orumi at 4:49 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd originally told my boyfriend that I wanted space until he got home. He apparently waited until the minute he got home on Sunday night to get in touch and ask if I was ready to talk. Truth be told, I blew up at him about it, because he maintained that he'd done absolutely nothing wrong. I concede that he may have stubbornly insisted this because I did completely blow up, acted really out of character for me and very inappropriately, and I'm assuming he just made his mind up to dig his heels in.
I consequently apologized for the way I handled it, despite affirming that I did still find his behavior disrespectful, and he seemed put off by the confrontation. Since then, he's told me that he himself doesn't want to end things with me but also needs "time" in light of how I mishandled the discussion Sunday evening. (I did use some pretty spiteful, mean language) I gave him a couple of days to mull it over, but decided that given the greater context of the relationship and how that was clearly out of character for me, I believed I should've been given the benefit of the doubt after several months. I'd apologized profusely but he refused to accept that earnest apology and work through it together. I also found his reaction completely lacking in compassion or sensitivity, his unwillingness to discuss very unsettling, and his insistence in having his own space now to be purely manipulative and cruel.
So I told him that it wasn't working, that I wanted to end things, and that I was sorry things fell apart so rapidly after seemingly going well for so long. I wished him well and haven't responded to his contact since. I was obviously still open-minded about our relationship despite that event, but I honestly took all of your objective thoughts into account and it meant a lot to me to have this resource when I finally brought down the axe. Thank you all so much! This website is wonderful.
posted by orumi at 4:49 PM on March 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
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I'm really sorry. Time to move on with dignity. No contact with this dude too.
posted by taff at 4:52 PM on March 2, 2013 [5 favorites]