I'm so sick of this...

December 14, 2012 4:43 PM

I'm not liking my life anymore. I need to become excited about my life. More details inside.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. This is kind of weird to talk about since my last post was about my depressed boyfriend (now ex boyfriend). Just for an update after I wrote all that, the weekend I went to see him his attitude had lifted significantly but then a few days later went back to his depressed mood again. He broke up with me. He felt like he needed to get his life together. Though I was normally pissed off at him for what he did, now I just feel like I lost my best friend. I miss him terribly and no, not as a lover, but really a friend. He's been pretty distant during this whole thing, which is even harder. We already decided we are never ever getting back together..like the Taylor Swift song....

I had tons of friends where he lived in Maryland. We all went out to eat, rode around on his motorcycle, went to the mall together..and now all that is gone. It's kind of like I had a second life there in Maryland. And now that I'm back here in Pennsylvania it's just been crap. Most of my "friends" have babies/toddlers. I'm not too fond of kids. I probably have two friends who do not have children. One is a flake and the other is a couple years younger than me, but works overtime almost every week so I never see her. Honestly, I'm bad at making new friends. I told my ex one time when we were together that I'm an introvert but he said I'm definitely not one. Though for most of my life my hobbies have only included reading and working out. Nothing exciting.

About a month ago I got into skydiving. I'm still learning a lot and scaring myself shitless. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive. Anything else that I try to do I just feel nothing. I could make friends at the drop zone but no one has really showed interest. Except one guy and his boyfriend but they are probably in their late 40's. One of them gave me his number so I could call him so we could plan a date to jump together. I called him the following weekend and we agreed on that time to meet. Well I showed up and he never did. So I jumped anyways. Later he called me and told me he didn't end up going until later. I messed up my second landing pretty badly and was telling people what happened. Everyone was really supportive but it didn't seem like many connections were made with anyone. I guess I will keep trying. I'm going there tomorrow morning. Oh, the irony of me wanting to actually get out of bed just to go throw myself out of a plane, it makes me laugh.

I have a job with a temp agency and lately I have been rejecting jobs they have been trying to give me. I don't have any motivation. I don't have any bills to pay or own anyone money and last time I checked I had a very big amount in my paycheck. And usually that would make me happy but it doesn't. The only thing is I accepted a job from them but it doesn't start until the 7th of next month. It's 5 days a week and 6 hours. But I am only going to be working with two other people.

I hardly eat. My parents are worried as hell about me. When I was younger I was diagnosed with major depression and was on medicine. I took myself off it after 5 years. I refuse to go back on them though. I'm mostly scared of the side effects that could harm me long term. So I won't budge on that. I just want to get better on my own. I think every day I'm going to go to the gym. Today I was going to go at 8:30 AM. and I had my alarm set but for some reason I either didn't hear it or I turned it off in my sleep. I woke up at 11 A.M. and was just not in the mood anymore.

I don't even know what I am asking really. I'm a freaking mess. I'll go from laughing, to crying, to just being content. Then reality hits me and I realize I'm so damn alone. Not one of my "friends' have reached out to me despite knowing I had a breakup and I have asked some to hang out but it doesn't go through because of them making up excuses or they are busy. I have been there for every single one of them and get nothing back in return.

I like to read, ha, so maybe there is some books I can read or maybe an inspiration speaker I can look up and listen to. Any suggestions?

posted by Autumn89 to Health & Fitness (18 answers total)

I don't have any bills to pay or own anyone money and last time I checked I had a very big amount in my paycheck.

Any suggestions?

Put your shit in storage, buy a one way ticket somewhere exciting and don't come back until your find yourself. Worked for me to get me out of my two year long depression. YMMV.
posted by empath at 4:54 PM on December 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

I've been there. I moved from a small city in Japan back "home" with my family, not knowing anyone. It was very difficult emotionally (and financially - I notice that my mood always improves when I have a certain amount of money in the bank).

You have two choices:

1) Go back to Maryland, where you were happy
2) Get engaged with your community. Find something of interest.

In our case, it has been unfeasible to return to Japan - I don't have a job there, and I have a family to support. Since moving back "home" 8 years ago I have made an effort to engage with my original hometown, and it paid off. While the first couple of years were rough (I suffered depression for two years after coming back), by the end of year 3 I had a good job (since lost in the Great Recession).

But I made a point of getting engaged with the community.

However, we go back to Japan about once a year for the past five or six years, for a few months at a time. I enjoy it there. I feel whole there. I have a lot of friends and family there, and a lot of my interests (book stores, libraries with lots of original historical documents) are there.

So the entire, "don't look backward, look forward" thing is true in a certain way, but if you have bonded to something, if something has become a part of you, it's okay to feel regret.

On the other hand, I would guess that you are still young, young enough to do anything still. No kids, no marriage, no mortgage (I would assume).

So option 3 might be to not stay put, not go back, but go off in a different direction, and look for new horizons.

Of course, it is difficult and tough to do this without friends or family.

But get engaged with something - anything - and try to grow over the bleak Pennsylvania winter.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:02 PM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I took up knitting soon after a bad breakup, when I felt like I was going crazy from loneliness and anxiety. It helped me regain my focus and feel like less of a mess. Plus, there's a huge knitting community out there - you have no idea until you get into it. I'm generally more content with my life now, but I still enjoy knitting and making stuff for people who want/need it, or even just for myself. I started off by taking a beginner's knitting class, but since then have just been learning via the internet and knitting books from the library.
posted by wondermouse at 5:05 PM on December 14, 2012

If you've ruled out medication as an option, please consider talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy. Because not getting professional help doesn't seem like it's working for you.

Best of luck.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:06 PM on December 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I did therapy for years..it never worked out for me. Somehow I convinced myself I was okay from their advice, but it never lasts...
posted by Autumn89 at 5:10 PM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Autumn89, try a different therapy approach, then. "Oh, I just want to get well on my own, therapy never works for me" is the sound of a brain undermining itself in my experience. DBT might be worth a try.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:31 PM on December 14, 2012 [6 favorites]

I just want to get better on my own.

It's not working.

Get help. Accept the help. Stay with the help.

I agree with Sidhedevil: when the brain is telling you it's defeated and nothing's going to work, that's not necessarily the truth. It's quite likely a symptom.

A lot of the time, the brain (or the disease currently running the brain) is a fucking liar.
posted by Miko at 5:41 PM on December 14, 2012

Response by poster: It has not even been 2 weeks. How long should I wait?
posted by Autumn89 at 5:42 PM on December 14, 2012

Autumn89, my apologies for misunderstanding your post. I thought you were talking about a long history of depression. Are you saying that the problems you describe have only been going on in the last two weeks?

If that's what's up, then maybe a vacation so you can "reset" if that's financially feasible.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:53 PM on December 14, 2012

Response by poster: I have had a long history of it in the past. As I got older I have dealt with it better. But since the break up two weeks ago, I have been down in the dumps with no motivation. Sorry for not explaining it better.

I'm thinking a vacation too..but not sure where.
posted by Autumn89 at 5:56 PM on December 14, 2012

Best answer: It's very normal to feel horrible and depressed after a breakup. It took me a good six months for the dark cloud to lift. Well, that and I also started taking antidepressants.

Sometimes you can't do it on your own, no matter how hard you try. I resisted medicine for a long time, thinking that was the easy way out and I just needed to tough it up and get out of my rut. My depression was brought on after my mom passed away and my relationship ended within a short time frame. It was just too much to handle all by myself.

Breakups just blow in general. It just hurts, and it takes some getting used to your life without that person. Maintain no contact with your ex. Do not text him, call him, send him links to sites you think he will like. Hide everything that reminds you of him. Then ask yourself what YOU want, and go after it.
posted by thank you silence at 6:15 PM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Set different goals-- things for you to get excited about. Is there something you are really interested in learning or being able to do aside from skydiving? It doesn't have to be very complicated either. I could be doing a chin up, learning another language beginner level, baking something different.. I find if you set goals and aspirations you get excited and happy once they are completed. Start small and then work on the big stuff like friends, relationships, work, etc. Pretty soon you'll have a set of new memories associated with doing these things rather than your past relationships.

Vacations could help, but remember they are temporary. Once you come back things will be as you left them. Try to incorporate a few different things in your life and see what happens. Hope this helps. Good luck.
posted by melizabeth at 8:11 PM on December 14, 2012

Get involved in something greater than yourself via volunteering, activism, etc.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:37 PM on December 14, 2012

Cook something awesome. Invite over friends to help you eat it and cook it.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:51 PM on December 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The other thing: your istinct to make friends that share your interests is great. You seem to be actually doing really well at that. The fact that you missed one meetup with somebody brand new is nothing big, and the fact that the guy took the trouble to contact you afterward and explain the missed connection is a nice indication that he actually is interested in being friendly with you. Making friends as a grownup takes a little time. If the jump dynamic is a little slow (and expensive), maybe try using Meetup.com to meet others like you, who are interested in high adventure sport, but you don't have to be doing it right then? And maybe sign up for some other outdoor adventure type stuff - XC or downhill skiing, river rafting, whatever - that delivers that same "I'm alive!" vibe for you. Those are good brain chemicals too.

Basically I think you're on the right track with the idea of making friends who like things you like...just give it time, and maybe expand the venues.
posted by Miko at 8:55 PM on December 14, 2012

Best answer: I would guess that the skydiving is important to you because it is empowering to overcome your fear of it.

So apply that model to the fears that are hindering your social life (i.e. putting yourself out there with strangers in the hope that you'll make new friends, etc). When you fail take a deep breath and do it again. By repeated exposure to the actual consequences of failing at this, if there are any, you will accumulate some reality-based data that will start to shoot holes in the disastrous but fanciful scenarios your brain comes up with.

I find this strategy quite daunting and difficult, and I am usually unable to do this myself but that hasn't changed my conviction that it works. It is confusing that it can be easier to conquer a fear of plummeting to your death out of an airplane than it is to conquer anxieties about meeting new people, but humans are a pretty confused bunch a lot of the time.
posted by TheRedArmy at 11:07 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Wow, RedArmy, I just had an epiphany reading what you said. I never thought to apply the feelings I have in the airplane to other areas of my life. Of course, I'm scared out of my freaking mind...Each time it gets more and more scary, but I've been told all skydivers feel that when they are first learning. But I just do it cause I know if I don't I won't be happy with myself....

Thanks so much for pointing this out to me.
posted by Autumn89 at 1:21 PM on December 15, 2012

Yeah, give yourself at least six months before you get over this relationship. It's normal. It happens. Keep busy somehow, go to a somewhat social at-least-weekly club and the skydiving is a good start. You can't expect your life to be as stable as it was in a matter of weeks. This takes months. Just keep on doing what you're doing for six months, and you're free to move wherever you want. This would be a great time to travel, really.
posted by Hawk V at 12:27 AM on December 16, 2012