Frienddate? But I just want to kiss your face. :(
December 11, 2012 4:47 PM Subscribe
I have a second date coming up this weekend. I think. The guy seems to like me in some way, but there is an odd vibe with the friend vs. date signals and I have no idea how to proceed. Any advice?
A couple of weekends ago, I met up with a guy I'd been talking to online for about a month. His profile says that he is looking for "new friends" only and our conversation was never flirty, so going into our meeting I was feeling excitement but very little pressure. I was mostly just open to the possibility of making a new friend out of this nice person I'd been talking to.
After about an hour of walking and talking to him, I was starting to develop some attraction to him. I didn't think he shared that feeling until we went to lunch, because when he offered to treat me and I said he didn't have to, he expressed some regret that I was not "open" to him because he thinks I am "really great." I told him I think he is "really great" too. It kinda came out of nowhere and stirred up some buzzy "oooh, maybe this is...a date?" thoughts in my brain. They only intensified as he started asking questions about my past relationships specifically and admitted he was so nervous to meet me that he had trouble sleeping (which is why it took us a month to go offline in the first place). We started walking closer together, making excuses to stand nearer. He told me I have a nice smile. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye. An hour later, he texted to make sure I got home safely and to also say that he wished he would have kissed me goodnight. I responded that I would have really liked that. That's totally a date...right?!?!
Here's where my confusion comes in: during the date, he asked me if I was talking to anyone else online. I admitted that there is one other guy, but that I had cancelled a date with Other Guy the day before because I wanted to focus my attention on meeting him. He said that made him feel great, but if I wanted to reschedule that date I should, because he believes that "if something is meant to happen, it will." I said I honestly didn't want to. I did not say it's because I just want to explore this and see where it goes, but yeah, that's why.
We've texted a few times, mostly initiated by me, since then. Every time we talked, he asked if I had rescheduled with the other guy. He asked "why not?" several times, even though I said several times that I was not interested in doing so. Super confused, I finally came out and told him that if his encouraging me to meet this other guy is a nice way of saying he is not interested, it's OK for him to tell me that. He said that of course he would tell me if that were the case but now HE is now very confused, because he thought I just wanted to be friends and that he wanted the same. (My brain nearly broke at this point, given the whole "goodnight kiss" thing.) I explained to him that I am definitely interested in him and that he is the type of person I would like to be eventually more than friends with. He said that he gets it now and "hopefully this friendship will grow into something more." I asked him out for this weekend and he accepted.
I think his uncertainty comes from a sincere place. He is younger than me and his relationship experience is limited to one LTR that lasted several years but ended a while ago. He has not had a date or even a sexual partner before or since her. He also revealed to me that she cheated on him and really broke his heart, so I am sure that has some kind of impact on the way he thinks about relationships. I don't think he is talking to anyone else online.
I am kind of at an impasse for how to behave this weekend. These are major mixed signals and I don't like those. But I also think his inexperience/bad past experience is maybe to blame for them. My instinct is to just go and be friendly and see what happens, since I'd like to protect my feelings too, but with the goodnight kiss and talk of me not being "open," I'm scared to go too platonic. I'm also wary of going too far in the opposite direction, too soon. How do I approach this?
A couple of weekends ago, I met up with a guy I'd been talking to online for about a month. His profile says that he is looking for "new friends" only and our conversation was never flirty, so going into our meeting I was feeling excitement but very little pressure. I was mostly just open to the possibility of making a new friend out of this nice person I'd been talking to.
After about an hour of walking and talking to him, I was starting to develop some attraction to him. I didn't think he shared that feeling until we went to lunch, because when he offered to treat me and I said he didn't have to, he expressed some regret that I was not "open" to him because he thinks I am "really great." I told him I think he is "really great" too. It kinda came out of nowhere and stirred up some buzzy "oooh, maybe this is...a date?" thoughts in my brain. They only intensified as he started asking questions about my past relationships specifically and admitted he was so nervous to meet me that he had trouble sleeping (which is why it took us a month to go offline in the first place). We started walking closer together, making excuses to stand nearer. He told me I have a nice smile. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye. An hour later, he texted to make sure I got home safely and to also say that he wished he would have kissed me goodnight. I responded that I would have really liked that. That's totally a date...right?!?!
Here's where my confusion comes in: during the date, he asked me if I was talking to anyone else online. I admitted that there is one other guy, but that I had cancelled a date with Other Guy the day before because I wanted to focus my attention on meeting him. He said that made him feel great, but if I wanted to reschedule that date I should, because he believes that "if something is meant to happen, it will." I said I honestly didn't want to. I did not say it's because I just want to explore this and see where it goes, but yeah, that's why.
We've texted a few times, mostly initiated by me, since then. Every time we talked, he asked if I had rescheduled with the other guy. He asked "why not?" several times, even though I said several times that I was not interested in doing so. Super confused, I finally came out and told him that if his encouraging me to meet this other guy is a nice way of saying he is not interested, it's OK for him to tell me that. He said that of course he would tell me if that were the case but now HE is now very confused, because he thought I just wanted to be friends and that he wanted the same. (My brain nearly broke at this point, given the whole "goodnight kiss" thing.) I explained to him that I am definitely interested in him and that he is the type of person I would like to be eventually more than friends with. He said that he gets it now and "hopefully this friendship will grow into something more." I asked him out for this weekend and he accepted.
I think his uncertainty comes from a sincere place. He is younger than me and his relationship experience is limited to one LTR that lasted several years but ended a while ago. He has not had a date or even a sexual partner before or since her. He also revealed to me that she cheated on him and really broke his heart, so I am sure that has some kind of impact on the way he thinks about relationships. I don't think he is talking to anyone else online.
I am kind of at an impasse for how to behave this weekend. These are major mixed signals and I don't like those. But I also think his inexperience/bad past experience is maybe to blame for them. My instinct is to just go and be friendly and see what happens, since I'd like to protect my feelings too, but with the goodnight kiss and talk of me not being "open," I'm scared to go too platonic. I'm also wary of going too far in the opposite direction, too soon. How do I approach this?
It's a date! (You could even call it a second date.)
posted by iamkimiam at 5:02 PM on December 11, 2012
posted by iamkimiam at 5:02 PM on December 11, 2012
he texted me... to say he wished he would have kissed me goodnight.
He wants to kiss you?! It's a date. Give him plenty of time to kiss you goodnight when that time rolls around again.
posted by BungaDunga at 5:05 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
He wants to kiss you?! It's a date. Give him plenty of time to kiss you goodnight when that time rolls around again.
posted by BungaDunga at 5:05 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
People don't tend to regret not kissing their platonic friends. It seems your signals were getting scrambled and he thought you wanted things to be platonic and you thought the same about him.
Be honest with yourself and him about what you want and kiss him, you fool!
posted by inturnaround at 5:07 PM on December 11, 2012
Be honest with yourself and him about what you want and kiss him, you fool!
posted by inturnaround at 5:07 PM on December 11, 2012
I'd talk to him about it. It sounds like he isn't quite sure how he stands, or what he wants, and doesn't want to stand in the way of another relationship for you. I'd lay out the options you see before you go out, in a phone call or something, state what you'd prefer, and ask him which he'd prefer.
s
Something like, "Hey, I'm looking forward to hanging out with you, but I feel like I don't know what you expect from me. It makes me nervous to not know, because how I would act on a date is different then if I'm with a platonic friend, and I want to behave appropriately and not do anything to make you uncomfortable or me feel foolish. I've said before that I'm interested in you. I'd like to know do you want this to be two friends hanging out, or a date? Just let me know before we go out. Either way, I'm sure we'll have fun."
I suggest you avoid open ended questions, as that would likely make him nervous. He can always put forth an option you didn't suggest, but by framing it, you are more likely to get a response, and you make him feel comfortable with picking one of the options.
posted by gryftir at 5:09 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
s
Something like, "Hey, I'm looking forward to hanging out with you, but I feel like I don't know what you expect from me. It makes me nervous to not know, because how I would act on a date is different then if I'm with a platonic friend, and I want to behave appropriately and not do anything to make you uncomfortable or me feel foolish. I've said before that I'm interested in you. I'd like to know do you want this to be two friends hanging out, or a date? Just let me know before we go out. Either way, I'm sure we'll have fun."
I suggest you avoid open ended questions, as that would likely make him nervous. He can always put forth an option you didn't suggest, but by framing it, you are more likely to get a response, and you make him feel comfortable with picking one of the options.
posted by gryftir at 5:09 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
he thought I just wanted to be friends and that he wanted the same + He said that he gets it now and "hopefully this friendship will grow into something more." I asked him out for this weekend and he accepted.
He likes you and would have enjoyed that kiss the first night, but he's carefully not promising it for this weekend either. I'm afraid I doubt whether asking for clarity about friend-date vs. date would help at this point.
Full steam ahead on the walking close to each other kind of stuff--consider it a date for purposes of how you act. And if it goes well, step into the parting kiss unambiguously.
Maybe you get a hug goodbye and repeat the cycle (which is fine--stop being so guarded about it), but probably he's just really terrible at negotiating a moment like that, since he clearly overthinks this stuff.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:10 PM on December 11, 2012
He likes you and would have enjoyed that kiss the first night, but he's carefully not promising it for this weekend either. I'm afraid I doubt whether asking for clarity about friend-date vs. date would help at this point.
Full steam ahead on the walking close to each other kind of stuff--consider it a date for purposes of how you act. And if it goes well, step into the parting kiss unambiguously.
Maybe you get a hug goodbye and repeat the cycle (which is fine--stop being so guarded about it), but probably he's just really terrible at negotiating a moment like that, since he clearly overthinks this stuff.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 5:10 PM on December 11, 2012
It's a date! Don't be pushy, but send him clear signals that you're interested. And if he doesn't make a move by the end of the night, YOU make the move. Kiss him! Better to do it now than to go on these unsure dates for a while and not know where you stand. Good luck! Please update on how this weekend goes!!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 5:10 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 5:10 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah less talking more kissing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:30 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:30 PM on December 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think it's a date if you want it to be, but I'd initiate a "clarifying conversation" first so that there's no confusion on either side about what's going on. You're doing a lot of initiating and I think he is perceiving you as being the driver of this bus.
posted by sm1tten at 5:40 PM on December 11, 2012
posted by sm1tten at 5:40 PM on December 11, 2012
Best answer: He's made it very clear he's interested in you. I'm not saying he's been very adept at handling the situation — I don't think he has. I just can't see any way of interpreting this other than that he's interested in you. His persistent questions about the other guy were a defense mechanism. Since his last relationship experience was so hurtful, he apparently wanted to be proactive in giving you plenty of opportunities to let him know from the beginning if you weren't that interested in him — as if this would somehow get any heartbreak out of the way early on so he wouldn't be surprised with it later. Again, not saying this was a great idea on his part, just that I think that's what was going through his head.
posted by John Cohen at 5:50 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 5:50 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Dude is as nervous and uncertain as you are. He likes you and wants to take things slow. I'd treat it like a date and if he didn't move in to kiss me I would give him a peck on the cheek and linger for encouragement
posted by bunderful at 6:29 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 6:29 PM on December 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
My recent experiences suggest it's possibly a friends with benefits situation that's coming up, but he doesn't want to be rude in suggesting it.
posted by b33j at 6:33 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by b33j at 6:33 PM on December 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
My first date with my boyfriend was his first attempt at dating in a long time (I think it had been maybe two years), and he was never very smooth at it in the first place. I knew from prior interactions he was interested, and he sent a lot of mixed, hopeful-type signals through the date, but made absolutely no attempts to make a serious move. I was confused the entire date and decided to clarify the issue by grabbing him out of the blue at the end of the date and planting a big ol' smooch. That dissipated his insecurity and uncertainty and the second date he was a lot more comfortable.
Some people need to be hit over the head with a two-by-four. Next time you hang out with him if he seems interested through the date just go for it with the physical contact. Sounds like this guy is just hyper-worried about rejection.
posted by Anonymous at 6:35 PM on December 11, 2012
Some people need to be hit over the head with a two-by-four. Next time you hang out with him if he seems interested through the date just go for it with the physical contact. Sounds like this guy is just hyper-worried about rejection.
posted by Anonymous at 6:35 PM on December 11, 2012
My first thought was that he's angling for a friends with benefits situation. Either that, or he's such a mess that he can't give you what you need as a relationship partner, anyway. I'd shut this down now. But if you don't want to do that, move forward as if it's a date and make out with him (just don't get your hopes up about what it means).
posted by J. Wilson at 6:19 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 6:19 AM on December 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't think he's angling for friends with benefits. I think he is going to enjoy flirting with you, but withdraw when it comes to anything suggesting real involvement, and will not take initiative in moving things forward. Constantly bringing up the other date you cancelled suggests very strongly that he is not interested in becoming a boyfriend.
Note that I said "a boyfriend," not "your boyfriend." I wouldn't take this personally; I think there are a lot of guys like this out there, but they are not acknowledged because of all our cultural stereotypes about guys always being cads and never turning down opportunities to get ALL THE LAYS. He may even be this guy, but perhaps I'm going too far afield.
I wouldn't focus on any one person too early (before you even met the guy!), much less tell them about it. You should reschedule that other date and let this dude text you/ask you out next time.
posted by ziggly at 8:26 AM on December 12, 2012
Note that I said "a boyfriend," not "your boyfriend." I wouldn't take this personally; I think there are a lot of guys like this out there, but they are not acknowledged because of all our cultural stereotypes about guys always being cads and never turning down opportunities to get ALL THE LAYS. He may even be this guy, but perhaps I'm going too far afield.
I wouldn't focus on any one person too early (before you even met the guy!), much less tell them about it. You should reschedule that other date and let this dude text you/ask you out next time.
posted by ziggly at 8:26 AM on December 12, 2012
Response by poster: Wow, honestly, friends with benefits never crossed my mind with this one. You never know, but I highly doubt sex is his motive. His answer on his profile for how long until he'll have sex is "only after the wedding." Which gives ME pause, in general and especially as regards the confusing first date goodnight kiss suggestion. I just think I am going to have to feel it out next time we see each other. I think he has no idea how to date or if he wants such a thing even.
posted by houndsoflove at 9:15 AM on December 12, 2012
posted by houndsoflove at 9:15 AM on December 12, 2012
Best answer: He sounds a bit shy and like he doesn't want to come across as pushy or creepy. Also, it sounds like he thought he wasn't ready for a relationship. When I've gotten on OKCupid looking for "friends only," it's because I was still heartbroken after a breakup and I didn't want to jump into anything.
It sounds like he was feeling that way when he made his profile. How long ago did his breakup occur? Anyway, when he met you he realized he was attracted to you romantically and probably was confused due to not expecting to feel like that. (This happened to me, so I know how confusing it can feel).
With asking about the other guy, he was trying to figure out if you were interested in him or the other guy. Sounds like he doesn't really know how to "play the dating game." That is okay, though. You just might have found yourself a sweet, authentic guy. Why not take the risk and find out for sure by kissing him when you get a chance? The risk, of course, is that you end up getting tortured by someone's ambivalence for a few months...but if it seems to be headed that way, you can cut it off before it gets too bad.
Have a look at Baggage Reclaim if you're worried about that.
posted by xenophile at 9:36 AM on December 12, 2012
It sounds like he was feeling that way when he made his profile. How long ago did his breakup occur? Anyway, when he met you he realized he was attracted to you romantically and probably was confused due to not expecting to feel like that. (This happened to me, so I know how confusing it can feel).
With asking about the other guy, he was trying to figure out if you were interested in him or the other guy. Sounds like he doesn't really know how to "play the dating game." That is okay, though. You just might have found yourself a sweet, authentic guy. Why not take the risk and find out for sure by kissing him when you get a chance? The risk, of course, is that you end up getting tortured by someone's ambivalence for a few months...but if it seems to be headed that way, you can cut it off before it gets too bad.
Have a look at Baggage Reclaim if you're worried about that.
posted by xenophile at 9:36 AM on December 12, 2012
Response by poster: xenophile, his breakup occurred two years ago. He wanted to marry her, but she felt she was too young to not explore other options and so she started seeing someone else on the side and ultimately broke it off to be with the other one.
When he talked about my Other Guy with me, he mentioned something about "not wanting to hold me back" or "make me miserable" by discouraging me from going out on that date. Clearly that's got something to do with his anxiety about how his previous girl left him. I mean, yeah, we're both thinking WAY too much of the future for having only been on one date. But that is probably part of the baggage you carry when you have been lied to or cheated on, as both of us have, and are trying to "let the right one in" next time (thank you, parrot_person).
posted by houndsoflove at 3:52 PM on December 12, 2012
When he talked about my Other Guy with me, he mentioned something about "not wanting to hold me back" or "make me miserable" by discouraging me from going out on that date. Clearly that's got something to do with his anxiety about how his previous girl left him. I mean, yeah, we're both thinking WAY too much of the future for having only been on one date. But that is probably part of the baggage you carry when you have been lied to or cheated on, as both of us have, and are trying to "let the right one in" next time (thank you, parrot_person).
posted by houndsoflove at 3:52 PM on December 12, 2012
I would say that yes, he probably likes you. But this has me worried a bit:
if I wanted to reschedule that date I should
Any guy who is actually interested in you would not say that. Sure, there's the chance that based on his experience he doesn't want to hold you back, but generally, if a guy likes you, he won't encourage you to go on a date with someone else. And his previous experience won't hold him back from wanting to be with you. So proceed with caution. Be yourself, but make sure he isn't being wishy-washy if you guys start dating. You know from his past experience that he is able to be in a long term commitment and is capable of picturing himself getting married, so don't take crap from him if he says stuff like he won't commit to you because doesn't want to hold you back. If he wants to commit to you, he will show you that and act that way, and there won't need to be a lot of uncertain talking about it.
Good luck with everything!
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 9:01 AM on December 14, 2012
if I wanted to reschedule that date I should
Any guy who is actually interested in you would not say that. Sure, there's the chance that based on his experience he doesn't want to hold you back, but generally, if a guy likes you, he won't encourage you to go on a date with someone else. And his previous experience won't hold him back from wanting to be with you. So proceed with caution. Be yourself, but make sure he isn't being wishy-washy if you guys start dating. You know from his past experience that he is able to be in a long term commitment and is capable of picturing himself getting married, so don't take crap from him if he says stuff like he won't commit to you because doesn't want to hold you back. If he wants to commit to you, he will show you that and act that way, and there won't need to be a lot of uncertain talking about it.
Good luck with everything!
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 9:01 AM on December 14, 2012
Response by poster: For once I have a happy follow up to post! He admitted to me over lunch today that he was indeed confused because he wasn't ready to date when he made his profile and then he met me and now he had feelings for me that are beyond friendship, but he is really scared to get hurt again. I told him I really like him too and am very happy he wants to take it to the next level because that is what I would like too. We kissed goodbye. This is a lovely thing.
posted by houndsoflove at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by houndsoflove at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The path was pretty muddy and trampled but you now have clarity and what you have this weekend is indeed a date. Kiss! Kiss more!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:57 PM on December 11, 2012 [6 favorites]