Should I move out from my boyfriend's apartment?
December 4, 2012 5:42 AM   Subscribe

Should I move out from my boyfriend's apartment, or give the live-in relationship another chance - or break up?

I am f/23, living with my boyfriend of 2 years.

I moved into his place 4 months after we started dating. He was apprehensive about me moving in, and in retrospect, it wasn't the best decision. At the time, I slid into it, because we spent so much time together anyway, and because he hated visiting me in my dorm (too much invasion of privacy).

Now, we've been living together for a year. Things have been very rocky, we've had a litany of issues to figure out. At times he has been controlling or very grumpy, at times I have been inconsiderate or too self-willed. We also disagree on a lot of minor things, and been bad at hashing out those differences. To top it all off, I've been working two jobs while studying, and have majorly slacked off in our home life.

Now, I've been on exchange to a different country for many months, and things are starting to look different from afar. We have talked a lot of our differences out. I quit the job that was really stressing me. He has remodeled our entire apartment to better accommodate the both of us.

However, after all the fights and disagreements, I'm wary of returning to that situation. I miss him and want to live with him, but I can't expend all that energy arguing, when I should be focusing on my studies. My feelings for him have cooled off slightly after all the problems, even though I know I was the cause of a lot of them.

He loves me dearly and wants to do whatever is best for the survival of the relationship. Like I said, he has remodeled the apartment, not to mention he does everything he can to make things good for both of us.

I should also mention that, before all the bad stuff started, he was my dream guy: very intelligent, handsome, fun, talented and competent. I was, and still am, his dream girl.

However, as I am about to return from my exchange, my best friend offered me a cheap and large room in her apartment, and I am very tempted by the offer.

I'm in a thousand minds about all this, and would really appreciate some of your wisdom.

Thank you for reading!
posted by katerok to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I think you two rushed into things moving in together the first time. If you lived near, but apart, maybe you would have the space you need to be happy? Doesn't mean your relationship has to end, doesn't mean you two can't cohab in the future.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:47 AM on December 4, 2012

May I recommend you listen to this (Carole King - It's too late) and really listen to what she's saying. She's talking about just your situation. Maybe. The thing is this: You're on one side of this line or the other, but you know you're close to it or else you wouldn't be asking this question.

If you can listen to this song - again really listen to the words - and say "nope" I'm not there with Ms King - then move in back with him.

But if you are over that line, my friend, Carole King will break your heart leaving no doubt.
posted by three blind mice at 5:50 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Take your friend upon the offer.if it turns out you spend all your time with your boyfriend still,then move back in. If things really are cooled off, it'll show up much faster if you don't live together.
posted by garlic at 5:50 AM on December 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

Move out. The situation with your boyfriend will become clearer then. I think sometimes you need to grow as a couple before you're under the same roof. You never did that.

If he freaks out about moving out, move on. If instead you're still over there more often...then consider a move back after 6 months.

Invest in you and your studies above all else. There's less distraction once you've moved out.
posted by inturnaround at 5:53 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Clearly distance has given you perspective. Take your friend up on her offer, but continue to see your BF. Perhaps you'll reconnect, chances are, you won't.

I think that because you lived together your relationship dragged on longer than it should have.

I've always maintained that living together is the last step towards permanance, not one of the first.

It's okay to love someone, and to have him love you, but for it not to work out. It happens all the time.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:55 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

People end up moving in together at a young age for a lot of superficial reasons (convenience being primary among them) that don't necessarily bode well for long term relationship satisfaction and success. This is a step that, in my experience, should be taken with forethought and planning (including deliberate steps on the part of the original resident to make big changes to the living environment to make it "their" home, in the event that the couple is not moving into entirely new accommodations), and with the explicit understanding that the move represents a clear deepening of the relationship, presumably with some sort of enduring and codified commitment in the foreseeable, if not immediate, future. Not all that easy to do after four months when you're 21 years old.

If you see this relationship as something you would like to make permanent some day, I would suggest discussing this with your partner to make sure you're on the same page about that. And if you are on the same page, then living apart until you're ready to make moving in together represent a meaningful phase shift in the relationship may be the best thing you could do to put the relationship on firm footing.
posted by slkinsey at 6:03 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're in college? You should break up, or at the very least move out. I wish someone had told me when I was that age that college is not the time to try to constantly work out problems in relationships. Finding a new person to date will never be as easy again as it is right now, so I suggest you bail.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:19 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

He's been abusive and ill tempered.
He's remodeled his apartment, but not his behavior.
He finds nothing wrong with arguing with the person he loves.

This is all now. It gets worse as people get older. He was your dream guy; he's heading to be your nightmare guy. That's what exhaustion leads to.

Break up with him before you return home. That's the right way if doing it.

Take your friend's room after you break up with him. That's the best sequence of events.

For this to work, you will have to cut off ties to him totally. Easy decisions = bad decisions.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:59 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I understand what you're saying, Kruger5, and yes, his behaviour hasn't been exemplary; neither has mine.

But just to clarify, he has overall been very loving and caring towards me, and the negative stuff comes from inexperience and miscommunication, never malice.

Having said that, I had a talk with him just now, and we both agree that me moving out is probably a wise decision at the moment, out past taken into consideration. We both always made it clear to each other that we have long-term plans with this relationship; but for now, studies are to take priority.

I greatly appreciate all the comments; and further input is still very welcome, as I gain a lot of fresh perspective.

posted by katerok at 7:33 AM on December 4, 2012

I think it's good that you talked about it and decided jointly that you should move out.

You can always move back in together if you both agree to that (like oceanjesse said).
posted by commitment at 9:09 AM on December 4, 2012

Take the cheap room with your friend. There is no pressing reason why you should immediately move back in with him. I think living together when you are so young and doing so much else is a mistake. Live on your own, and continue to date him if that's what both of you want.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:52 AM on December 4, 2012

If this relationship is really meant to be, you can give it a breather. TALK to him. Tell him how thoughtful it was of him to make a place for you. Tell him how much it means to you and how grateful you are. Then explain that you want to make sure your move in will be the right thing to do for both of you. You need to discuss the problems you both had before and how to solve them. The tow of you need to figure out ways to resolve differences and live together.

Let him know that you want to give both of you some breathing room to be able to make a good decision about your moving in. To that effect, you will be staying at your girlfriend's place till you two can hash things out to where you're both comfortable with the final decision. If he can approach this calmly, with a loving heart and a desire to make living together the best thing it can possibly be, then you know there is a good chance with this relationship. If he won't cooperate, drags his feet, pushes, sulks, is ugly or mean, then you know it's not where you want to be.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:56 AM on December 4, 2012

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