How to find, or get over, The One?
October 23, 2012 1:01 AM Subscribe
Think I saw The One, over three years ago, while in another relationship. How do I find him again, or get over it?
We saw each other on a bus, several times over a few months, but the last time, the electricity was intense (others noticed and commented on it). We never spoke. I was in a relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it (wish I had, hindsight being what it is). I think he was my "one," if such people exist. In any case, felt a connection that has never before or since existed.
I've regretted for years that I didn't simply say hello. I've wondered where he is, how to find him. I'm pretty sure this is completely out of my control, and probably all in my head.
I've since relocated (across town, not across country), gone through a couple of career shifts, and can only imagine he's now living in a different country, happily married or something.
So, do you all have any advice on how to move past this romantic notion that I lost my soulmate? How do I let him, and this fantasy (one of the few I still indulge in), go?
Or any idea how I can relocate him?
We saw each other on a bus, several times over a few months, but the last time, the electricity was intense (others noticed and commented on it). We never spoke. I was in a relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it (wish I had, hindsight being what it is). I think he was my "one," if such people exist. In any case, felt a connection that has never before or since existed.
I've regretted for years that I didn't simply say hello. I've wondered where he is, how to find him. I'm pretty sure this is completely out of my control, and probably all in my head.
I've since relocated (across town, not across country), gone through a couple of career shifts, and can only imagine he's now living in a different country, happily married or something.
So, do you all have any advice on how to move past this romantic notion that I lost my soulmate? How do I let him, and this fantasy (one of the few I still indulge in), go?
Or any idea how I can relocate him?
It's really easy to build a fantasy out of someone you have only seen in passing. The hard truth is that you know that there is no chance of finding him. You think about him and lust after him, but you have no idea if he was "the one" if you've never had a conversation with him. You have created a scenario where he is perfect because you have nothing else to refute it.
It's time to let go and put your feet back into the dating waters, where people aren't perfect and magnetism doesn't necessarily last forever.
posted by frizz at 1:18 AM on October 23, 2012 [26 favorites]
It's time to let go and put your feet back into the dating waters, where people aren't perfect and magnetism doesn't necessarily last forever.
posted by frizz at 1:18 AM on October 23, 2012 [26 favorites]
It's really easy to build a fantasy out of someone you have only seen in passing.
You have no context for this person. They are an image. I've loved a lot of images. I've loved a lot fewer people.
Realize truly that it is a fantasy and move on. Meet new people.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:22 AM on October 23, 2012 [16 favorites]
You have no context for this person. They are an image. I've loved a lot of images. I've loved a lot fewer people.
Realize truly that it is a fantasy and move on. Meet new people.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:22 AM on October 23, 2012 [16 favorites]
Craigslist missed connections. Local newspaper. If your city has a free alt-weekly, they often have a section in the classifieds similar to c'list MC.
Good luck though. Odds aren't good.
posted by mannequito at 1:27 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Good luck though. Odds aren't good.
posted by mannequito at 1:27 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sounds pretty much impossible to find him again, based on the facts. All you had to go by was his looks, and maybe some sense of charisma, but just try to think of the odds that personality/background-wise, it may very well have been a disappointment. As has been said, there was absolutely nothing to suggest the contrary. It happens to everyone.
And who knows, if you had left your boyfriend at the time for him, and he'd been completely wrong for you, you'd be wishing you'd stuck with your boyfriend. But you were being faithful at least, and I think that's commendable.
And if by extreme luck you did find him, don't fall into the trap of thinking it's fate or destiny. Maybe it'd work out, maybe not.
(Though I'm curious how people were commenting on the spark, exactly?)
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 1:41 AM on October 23, 2012
And who knows, if you had left your boyfriend at the time for him, and he'd been completely wrong for you, you'd be wishing you'd stuck with your boyfriend. But you were being faithful at least, and I think that's commendable.
And if by extreme luck you did find him, don't fall into the trap of thinking it's fate or destiny. Maybe it'd work out, maybe not.
(Though I'm curious how people were commenting on the spark, exactly?)
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 1:41 AM on October 23, 2012
wait, if you live in the same city, have you tried just riding your old route at the same time of day you used to see him?
posted by mannequito at 1:45 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by mannequito at 1:45 AM on October 23, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone so far. (Not trying to thread-sit, but curiosity being what it is...). @OnTheLastCastle, I've loved a lot of images, and a lot of people, too. I am guilty of fantasizing and building more out of things than are really there, but I haven't felt what I did for this guy with anyone else, before or since, and I have met tons of people, offline and on-, with whom I've connected.
@TheSecretDecoderRing: as I mentioned, had seen him a number of times before. The last time, I had been in conversation with an old acquaintance, prior to and after boarding. But I was aware that he was there. When he debussed, he waited at the stop and we met eyes and I waved (I think we might both have, but I don't know now how much of it was imagined, memory being what it is). And my acquaintance, and another of his friends, both asked me, simultaneously, "what wasthat?" I played it cool, but was kicking myself. Why didn't I go after him?
@mannequito Yes, I have tried that, though not frequently, it's way out of my way and I work more than full-time.
posted by 6 of 1 at 1:50 AM on October 23, 2012
@TheSecretDecoderRing: as I mentioned, had seen him a number of times before. The last time, I had been in conversation with an old acquaintance, prior to and after boarding. But I was aware that he was there. When he debussed, he waited at the stop and we met eyes and I waved (I think we might both have, but I don't know now how much of it was imagined, memory being what it is). And my acquaintance, and another of his friends, both asked me, simultaneously, "what wasthat?" I played it cool, but was kicking myself. Why didn't I go after him?
@mannequito Yes, I have tried that, though not frequently, it's way out of my way and I work more than full-time.
posted by 6 of 1 at 1:50 AM on October 23, 2012
Not sure if you caught this previous question, or if it's listed as a related question for this thread, but you might find some pertinent observations there about the general notion of "the one."
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:30 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 2:30 AM on October 23, 2012
You never even spoke to him. For all you know he's a runaway babydaddy of nineteen who doesn't speak any English and whose dining preferences are raw meat and fermented cabbage. His favourite band is Genesis. He was catching the bus because he compulsively mows down kittens when driving. He only reads the comics in the newspapers and that's it. He doesn't live in his mother's basement because he turned her into a pie. He secretly believes the country is being run by the Lizard People but that the Illuminati are working on it. He hangs the toilet paper around the wrong way. He never tips.
How's that for a fantasy? It's about as real as the chemistry you guys had. He's only perfect because you never ever got close enough to see any of the human flaws he has.
Change the fantasy. Even if you bumped into him tomorrow there is little chance what may happen between you will ever live up to the fantasy you've built. He's a human being with flaws and complexities just like anyone else and unless you build them into your fantasy world you are going to be disappointed.
posted by Jilder at 3:10 AM on October 23, 2012 [48 favorites]
How's that for a fantasy? It's about as real as the chemistry you guys had. He's only perfect because you never ever got close enough to see any of the human flaws he has.
Change the fantasy. Even if you bumped into him tomorrow there is little chance what may happen between you will ever live up to the fantasy you've built. He's a human being with flaws and complexities just like anyone else and unless you build them into your fantasy world you are going to be disappointed.
posted by Jilder at 3:10 AM on October 23, 2012 [48 favorites]
What could you have possibly known about him, other than what he looks like, the clothes he likes to wear, and his physical bearing or presence? And vice versa, how could he have possibly known anything more than that about you? Stir those together and you have very weak sauce for forming a successful lifelong relationship. Not only is it all superficial, but the compelling grip of powerful physical attraction simply doesn't sustain itself at that same level over the years. That feeling of "OMG you are the hottest thing ever" fades, and it won't hold a couple together.
posted by drlith at 3:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by drlith at 3:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Others have suggested your local weeklies or Craigslist, but that's really a shot in the dark. mannequito's suggestion of taking the bus in your old neighbourhood is probably the most sensible one and the one with a chance of yielding some results.
For what it's worth, when I was in university, I spent a semester in a class sitting across a conference table from a guy who was always stealing glances at me (or catching me trying to look at him). He had a gorgeous smile and always made intelligent remarks in class. I was smitten. Then I saw him at a gig one night after the semester had ended and got up the balls to talk to him. We hit it off and he was very nice, but I soon discovered that he wasn't quite the perfect being I had made him out to be. He had a lot of weird quirks and a bundle of emotional baggage. We're actually still friends today, but man was that fantasy totally shattered.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:00 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, when I was in university, I spent a semester in a class sitting across a conference table from a guy who was always stealing glances at me (or catching me trying to look at him). He had a gorgeous smile and always made intelligent remarks in class. I was smitten. Then I saw him at a gig one night after the semester had ended and got up the balls to talk to him. We hit it off and he was very nice, but I soon discovered that he wasn't quite the perfect being I had made him out to be. He had a lot of weird quirks and a bundle of emotional baggage. We're actually still friends today, but man was that fantasy totally shattered.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:00 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
One of the absolute worst things we can do to another person, in my opinion, is to build up a fantasy picture of that person and then insist that said fantasy is reality, ignoring the true who, what, and how of that person in favor of this almost mythical dummy facsimile. It is a tremendous insult to that other person, because what it reveals about YOU as the fantasy creator is that you aren't capable of loving or seeing someone for who they are, but instead substitute actual reality with your own desires and world constructions.
It's also a big insult to you, too, to your intelligence and to your rational side, and the very fact that you even asked this question of anybody suggests to me that there is a small part of you that knows putting some unknown person up on a pedestal in the way that you are is an unhealthy coping mechanism that you have become fixated on because other parts of your life are dissatisfying. The person you met was a person, not the One. Don't limit them by placing that label on them, and stop limiting yourself by indulging these fantasies and using them as a retreat from whatever it is you're not dealing with. If you haven't already, I would consider seeking out someone who can do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) with you because it's really effective at helping you identify, sort through, and stop old, destructive thought patterns like this one.
Stop living in this dream world you've constructed and stop indulging the airy fairy dreamy side that is insisting you stay in this self-wrought, drama-filled mode. I promise you'll be happier for it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 4:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
It's also a big insult to you, too, to your intelligence and to your rational side, and the very fact that you even asked this question of anybody suggests to me that there is a small part of you that knows putting some unknown person up on a pedestal in the way that you are is an unhealthy coping mechanism that you have become fixated on because other parts of your life are dissatisfying. The person you met was a person, not the One. Don't limit them by placing that label on them, and stop limiting yourself by indulging these fantasies and using them as a retreat from whatever it is you're not dealing with. If you haven't already, I would consider seeking out someone who can do CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) with you because it's really effective at helping you identify, sort through, and stop old, destructive thought patterns like this one.
Stop living in this dream world you've constructed and stop indulging the airy fairy dreamy side that is insisting you stay in this self-wrought, drama-filled mode. I promise you'll be happier for it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 4:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
"i look back and wonder…what if it was the misses that were destiny."
posted by Catseye at 4:28 AM on October 23, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by Catseye at 4:28 AM on October 23, 2012 [15 favorites]
One man's perspective...
Do you realize if The One learned of this question and your fantasy-fascination with him, there is a good chance he would consider you NOT the One, and run in the opposite direction from you? Sometimes, good things are quashed due to bad moves.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:23 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Do you realize if The One learned of this question and your fantasy-fascination with him, there is a good chance he would consider you NOT the One, and run in the opposite direction from you? Sometimes, good things are quashed due to bad moves.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:23 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
So, do you all have any advice on how to move past this romantic notion that I lost my soulmate? How do I let him, and this fantasy (one of the few I still indulge in), go?
You build a life for yourself. You move on. You distract yourself for now. In time, you'll likely find someone who tickles your fancy. Maybe it won't be as immediately electric as with this man you've never spoken to, but there will be something there. And it will be based on more than immediate physical attraction.
The light the shines the brightest only shines half as long. You were unhappy when you saw him. With your life, with your previous relationship. You were looking for an out. Of course it made you happy. It was a dream of a rope. But it was just a dream, not reality. And the thing about dreams is that they're like water, they change their shape to fit the container you have for them.
posted by inturnaround at 5:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [8 favorites]
You build a life for yourself. You move on. You distract yourself for now. In time, you'll likely find someone who tickles your fancy. Maybe it won't be as immediately electric as with this man you've never spoken to, but there will be something there. And it will be based on more than immediate physical attraction.
The light the shines the brightest only shines half as long. You were unhappy when you saw him. With your life, with your previous relationship. You were looking for an out. Of course it made you happy. It was a dream of a rope. But it was just a dream, not reality. And the thing about dreams is that they're like water, they change their shape to fit the container you have for them.
posted by inturnaround at 5:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [8 favorites]
So, do you all have any advice on how to move past this romantic notion that I lost my soulmate? How do I let him, and this fantasy (one of the few I still indulge in), go?
Have a stern talk with yourself about the fact that you know nothing about this person and your projection likely has nothing to do with what the person is like in real life? The "electricity" you felt could literally have been anything, including the learned charisma of a sociopathic violent sexual predator who was considering how best to manipulate you into a very bad situation.
These kinds of fantasies are fine to harbor, as fantasies. They are even fine to act on if they are not getting in the way of living your life, but when they start to impinge on real life, it's time to really examine the realistic basis on which they are constructed. In this case you have a belief that there is a mystical "one" person for you, which is likely contradicted by your actual experience in life (and may be contradicted by your other beliefs about how the world and relationships work), coupled with a decision that some guy you never even spoke to is your soulmate. Neither of those core beliefs about this situation stand up to much scrutiny.
posted by OmieWise at 5:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Have a stern talk with yourself about the fact that you know nothing about this person and your projection likely has nothing to do with what the person is like in real life? The "electricity" you felt could literally have been anything, including the learned charisma of a sociopathic violent sexual predator who was considering how best to manipulate you into a very bad situation.
These kinds of fantasies are fine to harbor, as fantasies. They are even fine to act on if they are not getting in the way of living your life, but when they start to impinge on real life, it's time to really examine the realistic basis on which they are constructed. In this case you have a belief that there is a mystical "one" person for you, which is likely contradicted by your actual experience in life (and may be contradicted by your other beliefs about how the world and relationships work), coupled with a decision that some guy you never even spoke to is your soulmate. Neither of those core beliefs about this situation stand up to much scrutiny.
posted by OmieWise at 5:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't think anyone can say it better than Tim Minchin can. Listen carefully because he really speaks the truth about The One.
posted by peacheater at 6:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 6:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]
He may not be the "one," but you felt a strong connection to him. I don't know why people are discounting instant chemistry between people; it exists.
Take some days off work and then try taking that same bus at the same time?
posted by gt2 at 6:05 AM on October 23, 2012
Take some days off work and then try taking that same bus at the same time?
posted by gt2 at 6:05 AM on October 23, 2012
How do you get over this? Stop resisting the truth of the comments like the ones people are making in this thread that you never knew this guy and you just built up a fantasy in your head. You had sparks with someone for a moment and that's it.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by J. Wilson at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2012
I haven't felt what I did for this guy that moment with anyone else at any other time, before or since,
I think moments are great, but they are not people. Moments don't forget your birthday or puke on the rug. Is there harm in just savoring that feeling and being open to it happening again?
What you are talking about is magic, and I'm not going to hate on magic, but you should treat magic as magic, not reason.
Let this weird supernatural/unreasonable event play out using unreasonable means. Make a wish, say a prayer.
Yes you can take out classifieds and stalk the bus route, but I wouldn't recommend it. Because those things are logical (and very energy draining) even if they work then what?
"I bus stalked you so we could be together" ....?
If the genders were reversed, the bus line riding would likely not be suggested at all. /creepy.
posted by French Fry at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [10 favorites]
I think moments are great, but they are not people. Moments don't forget your birthday or puke on the rug. Is there harm in just savoring that feeling and being open to it happening again?
What you are talking about is magic, and I'm not going to hate on magic, but you should treat magic as magic, not reason.
Let this weird supernatural/unreasonable event play out using unreasonable means. Make a wish, say a prayer.
Yes you can take out classifieds and stalk the bus route, but I wouldn't recommend it. Because those things are logical (and very energy draining) even if they work then what?
"I bus stalked you so we could be together" ....?
If the genders were reversed, the bus line riding would likely not be suggested at all. /creepy.
posted by French Fry at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [10 favorites]
He is not "the one". He's just someone that you felt an incredible attraction to. You have no way of knowing whether he's compatible with you in other ways. I would focus on meeting other people, who you may also have a strong attraction to and who you may also be compatible with for a relationship. A relationship is based on a lot more than just physical attraction.
posted by barnoley at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by barnoley at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2012
FWIW I've had moments like these. But you know what? I can't for the life of me remember them, even though I know they happened, because I'm now in an awesome relationship with a real live person who gets cranky when he forgets to eat and isn't always great at planning, but is also the kindest, smartest, funniest man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
If you happen to run into this person again, and upon getting to really know him, you feel the same way as that singular moment, great. But I wouldn't go out of my way if I were you. There are people out there who will wipe him straight clear from your mind.
posted by dysh at 6:45 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you happen to run into this person again, and upon getting to really know him, you feel the same way as that singular moment, great. But I wouldn't go out of my way if I were you. There are people out there who will wipe him straight clear from your mind.
posted by dysh at 6:45 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think crushes and fantasies are wonderful and to be savored, not least because they can help clarify what we feel we might be missing or what we are drawn towards. So one way to "get over" this longing that you're feeling now is to live within it a little longer and then deconstruct it, to see what it's trying to tell you. Not because you ever will, or even should, meet this person again, but to try to get some lessons from this deep well of feeling you have that you can apply to future relationships.
What could this particular moment be telling you? That physical attraction is incredibly important to you and you should honor your own desires? That you want to be more open to serendipitous events in your life? How do you imagine things might have gone if you had gotten off the bus that day, what aspects of that fantasy are most appealing to you? Being with someone you can spend all your time with, someone who you're extremely sexually compatible with, someone who's very demonstrative in their affection?
Then you can move on from there and figure out how to incorporate that thing that's drawing you back to this moment into your current life and your relationships. That, I think, is the best way to honor these wonderful moments of magic, as French Fry puts it.
posted by LeeLanded at 6:51 AM on October 23, 2012
What could this particular moment be telling you? That physical attraction is incredibly important to you and you should honor your own desires? That you want to be more open to serendipitous events in your life? How do you imagine things might have gone if you had gotten off the bus that day, what aspects of that fantasy are most appealing to you? Being with someone you can spend all your time with, someone who you're extremely sexually compatible with, someone who's very demonstrative in their affection?
Then you can move on from there and figure out how to incorporate that thing that's drawing you back to this moment into your current life and your relationships. That, I think, is the best way to honor these wonderful moments of magic, as French Fry puts it.
posted by LeeLanded at 6:51 AM on October 23, 2012
Chemistry can be a powerful force, but timing can, too. Even if you met him again, you might not still have the same connection you had before. But you can find that with someone else, there's not just one person out there for you. And nthing the idea that this fantasy might be your way of escaping something else in your life.
Why is this one of the last few fantasies you indulge in? Why such a heart-breaking one-- that there's only one person out there for you, and that he's gone-- when you could aim for something else in this fantasy?
posted by RainyJay at 7:08 AM on October 23, 2012
Why is this one of the last few fantasies you indulge in? Why such a heart-breaking one-- that there's only one person out there for you, and that he's gone-- when you could aim for something else in this fantasy?
posted by RainyJay at 7:08 AM on October 23, 2012
So you've decided that you love somebody who you've never met, and probably never will. Know what I think? I think you're trying to find a kind of comfort in the idea that you missed your One And Only Chance at love, because if you did, you're done. You don't have to try anymore. You don't have to worry about getting into the awkward, messy business of trying to find someone else to fall in love with. You can just stick with your perfect fantasies, which can never hurt or disappoint you or get old and gross.
I say this a a woman who wasted two years pining away over a gay man, purely because I was too scared to open myself up to the possibility of actual intimacy. If I loved someone unattainable, I was a noble tragic figure. Not a lonely, frustrated girl. It was nice for a while, but the real world is much better.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [16 favorites]
I say this a a woman who wasted two years pining away over a gay man, purely because I was too scared to open myself up to the possibility of actual intimacy. If I loved someone unattainable, I was a noble tragic figure. Not a lonely, frustrated girl. It was nice for a while, but the real world is much better.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [16 favorites]
By not letting go of the fantasy that this person who you have never spoken to is The One, you are making excuses for not putting yourself out there and building up your own life. Because if you subscribe to this fantasy, why bother dating if you already know who The One is?
We never spoke. I was in a relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it (wish I had, hindsight being what it is).
So, you were in a relationship that has since ended, and you regret not pursuing something with a stranger while you were in a relationship? It sounds an awful lot like you projected on to this stranger a lot of feelings and emotions that were lacking in your relationship at the time. He wasn't The One, he was an escapist fantasy, a way for you to imagine the kind of relationship you wanted but were not getting. By holding on to the idea that he is The One, you are denying yourself the possibility of forming a real connection and building a relationship with anyone else.
posted by inertia at 7:33 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
We never spoke. I was in a relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it (wish I had, hindsight being what it is).
So, you were in a relationship that has since ended, and you regret not pursuing something with a stranger while you were in a relationship? It sounds an awful lot like you projected on to this stranger a lot of feelings and emotions that were lacking in your relationship at the time. He wasn't The One, he was an escapist fantasy, a way for you to imagine the kind of relationship you wanted but were not getting. By holding on to the idea that he is The One, you are denying yourself the possibility of forming a real connection and building a relationship with anyone else.
posted by inertia at 7:33 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
We never spoke.
So basically you don't know a single thing about him. You know what he looks like and nothing else. This "he's the one!" thing is a thing you made up in your head.
When you next revisit this fantasy -- and it is a fantasy -- picture him opening his mouth and croaking in a grating balloon-animal voice a string of the most repugnant opinions you can think of. Also there is spinach in his teeth and he has terrible breath.
It's just as likely to be true as the notion that he's perfect for you.
posted by ook at 7:34 AM on October 23, 2012
So basically you don't know a single thing about him. You know what he looks like and nothing else. This "he's the one!" thing is a thing you made up in your head.
When you next revisit this fantasy -- and it is a fantasy -- picture him opening his mouth and croaking in a grating balloon-animal voice a string of the most repugnant opinions you can think of. Also there is spinach in his teeth and he has terrible breath.
It's just as likely to be true as the notion that he's perfect for you.
posted by ook at 7:34 AM on October 23, 2012
I was 39 when I married Husbunny. In all the time before I met Husbunny, I never even got close to having a good relationship, I hardly even had any good dates. I remember musing to a friend of mine, "What if my soul-mate was on that Locherby flight? What if we never got a chance to meet?" How stupid and morbid is that?
Think about it. If this guy were "The One" and it's destiny, then it would have happened, or it will happen in the future.
You don't only have one perfect person in the world that's your one and only partner. Relationships are built, not pre-destined. You get to know someone, you experience things together, you grow together and then you partner up.
You don't know anything about the beautiful stranger except that you once rode the same bus together. If you were so "meant to be" why didn't he speak to you?
For all you know, he's already in a relationship, he may not even be in your sexual prefernce group.
You are hanging onto a fantasy. Have a bit of a ritual to let him go. If you're a bit witchy, perhaps some uncrossing oil will help. Road opener? Clear out the cobwebs, the remains, the bits and pieces of dead and decayed relationships. Once you're open, clear and in your right mind, then you can start thinking about finding someone to partner with.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:52 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Think about it. If this guy were "The One" and it's destiny, then it would have happened, or it will happen in the future.
You don't only have one perfect person in the world that's your one and only partner. Relationships are built, not pre-destined. You get to know someone, you experience things together, you grow together and then you partner up.
You don't know anything about the beautiful stranger except that you once rode the same bus together. If you were so "meant to be" why didn't he speak to you?
For all you know, he's already in a relationship, he may not even be in your sexual prefernce group.
You are hanging onto a fantasy. Have a bit of a ritual to let him go. If you're a bit witchy, perhaps some uncrossing oil will help. Road opener? Clear out the cobwebs, the remains, the bits and pieces of dead and decayed relationships. Once you're open, clear and in your right mind, then you can start thinking about finding someone to partner with.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:52 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Something else is bothering you. Otherwise you would not be thinking of someone who is practically unavailable as available. Find out what that thing is and deal with it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I know you are asking this question in all seriousness, and I do not mean to make light of it at all, but when I read your question, I immediately thought of this. I think, if nothing else, it could help with the perspective on the idea of THE ONE (while maybe also simultaneously supplying some amusement).
posted by zizzle at 8:01 AM on October 23, 2012
posted by zizzle at 8:01 AM on October 23, 2012
He's not the one.
None of the ones are the one.
Even when the one is the one and you become one, they're not the one.
The one is a knot tied in our minds, frantically pointing elsewhere.
Savour what happens, pursue what you want, but do not entertain dissatisfaction-longing fantasies when doing so. They will only ever grow, hurt and distract.
posted by ead at 8:08 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
None of the ones are the one.
Even when the one is the one and you become one, they're not the one.
The one is a knot tied in our minds, frantically pointing elsewhere.
Savour what happens, pursue what you want, but do not entertain dissatisfaction-longing fantasies when doing so. They will only ever grow, hurt and distract.
posted by ead at 8:08 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
How many people does the average human meet, in a lifetime? A few hundred? A thousand? Pretend it's a thousand. A great many people manage to find, in that group of a thousand people, someone who's suitable for marriage, child-rearing, or long-term-relationship-partnering. Many people manage to find two or three or four.
There are seven billion people on the planet. Simple mathematical proportions suggest that there are, no kidding, millions and millions of people who you could get along with well enough to spend your life, or a good chunk of it, with them.
The population of the Earth is not engineered by mysterious forces so that there's ONE person with whom you can possibly find happiness. Discard the idea; it makes no sense, and it's not helping you do anything that you need to do. You saw someone on a bus once. You don't know who that person was--not the first thing about them. Discard your idea about that person as well--it's also not helping you do anything that you need to do.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:12 AM on October 23, 2012
There are seven billion people on the planet. Simple mathematical proportions suggest that there are, no kidding, millions and millions of people who you could get along with well enough to spend your life, or a good chunk of it, with them.
The population of the Earth is not engineered by mysterious forces so that there's ONE person with whom you can possibly find happiness. Discard the idea; it makes no sense, and it's not helping you do anything that you need to do. You saw someone on a bus once. You don't know who that person was--not the first thing about them. Discard your idea about that person as well--it's also not helping you do anything that you need to do.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:12 AM on October 23, 2012
Three options:
1. Realize that destiny is false. There is no "the one." There are only people with whom we share some kind of chemistry, and if the timing is right, we can decide to explore that chemistry.
2. Believe that destiny is real. If he were "the one", fate would have brought you two into sustained contact. But it didn't. Therefore, he's not "the one."
3. Reinterpret the chemistry you shared with him as a sign, even in those early days, that your then-boyfriend was not fulfilling your needs, and some part of your subconscious mind knew it, and so was looking for that missing frisson that your then-boyfriend did not provide. As a result, it led you to fixate on the bus boy.
Take your pick! All three lead to the same result: letting go of the fantasy of this random guy on the bus.
posted by artemisia at 8:15 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
1. Realize that destiny is false. There is no "the one." There are only people with whom we share some kind of chemistry, and if the timing is right, we can decide to explore that chemistry.
2. Believe that destiny is real. If he were "the one", fate would have brought you two into sustained contact. But it didn't. Therefore, he's not "the one."
3. Reinterpret the chemistry you shared with him as a sign, even in those early days, that your then-boyfriend was not fulfilling your needs, and some part of your subconscious mind knew it, and so was looking for that missing frisson that your then-boyfriend did not provide. As a result, it led you to fixate on the bus boy.
Take your pick! All three lead to the same result: letting go of the fantasy of this random guy on the bus.
posted by artemisia at 8:15 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Think I saw The One"
I've met The One before. There was no denying the obvious chemistry, but in retrospect, they weren't all that.
... and this.
6 of 1? Half-a-dozen the other.
posted by markkraft at 8:55 AM on October 23, 2012
I've met The One before. There was no denying the obvious chemistry, but in retrospect, they weren't all that.
... and this.
6 of 1? Half-a-dozen the other.
posted by markkraft at 8:55 AM on October 23, 2012
Another approach: seek out venues where there will be men physically attractive to you wan where it will be appropriate to chat them up.
Chat them up.
Discover that either 1) they're intolerable when they open their mouths, regardless of initial sexual attraction, and recall that there's no reason to think "the one" would not have been intolerable, or 2) they're quite nice when they open their mouths, and, boom, you're talking to an actual factual attractive nice man.
Or you could just chat up men randomly regardless of initial attractiveness, and discover that interesting, good people get hotter as you get to know them better.
posted by endless_forms at 8:56 AM on October 23, 2012
Chat them up.
Discover that either 1) they're intolerable when they open their mouths, regardless of initial sexual attraction, and recall that there's no reason to think "the one" would not have been intolerable, or 2) they're quite nice when they open their mouths, and, boom, you're talking to an actual factual attractive nice man.
Or you could just chat up men randomly regardless of initial attractiveness, and discover that interesting, good people get hotter as you get to know them better.
posted by endless_forms at 8:56 AM on October 23, 2012
I'm pretty sure this is completely out of my control, and probably all in my head.
darling, yes. yes it is in your head and frankly, this kind of shit is bad for you.
If you focus on some magic dude on a bus, that means that all the realationships that are not magic and perfect are a "waste of your time." No real life person can compare to a fantasy- and seriously, kid- he is a fantasy. and you are sabotaging any chance of the real thing by holding on to this.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:59 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
darling, yes. yes it is in your head and frankly, this kind of shit is bad for you.
If you focus on some magic dude on a bus, that means that all the realationships that are not magic and perfect are a "waste of your time." No real life person can compare to a fantasy- and seriously, kid- he is a fantasy. and you are sabotaging any chance of the real thing by holding on to this.
posted by Blisterlips at 8:59 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have to vote with those who have encouraged you to turn this around and think about it from the guy's point of view. Think about what you would say.
"I saw you a few times on the bus a few years ago, and I've been thinking about you ever since, because I think that probably, based on the looks we exchanged on the bus, we were meant to be together forever."
I understand your feelings; I do. But this is not the kind of thought that seizes you because it has the potential to lead anywhere. In my experience, this is the kind of thought that seizes you precisely because it has no potential to lead anywhere, and it is therefore a much safer feeling to focus on than any that might lead to you being hurt or disappointed by an actual human.
I don't think it's about you getting past it and it's DEFINITELY not about finding him. It's about questioning why you're welcoming this feeling instead of kind of thinking it's a weird but completely unreal thing.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I saw you a few times on the bus a few years ago, and I've been thinking about you ever since, because I think that probably, based on the looks we exchanged on the bus, we were meant to be together forever."
I understand your feelings; I do. But this is not the kind of thought that seizes you because it has the potential to lead anywhere. In my experience, this is the kind of thought that seizes you precisely because it has no potential to lead anywhere, and it is therefore a much safer feeling to focus on than any that might lead to you being hurt or disappointed by an actual human.
I don't think it's about you getting past it and it's DEFINITELY not about finding him. It's about questioning why you're welcoming this feeling instead of kind of thinking it's a weird but completely unreal thing.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
You never even spoke. This reaction is as silly as teen girls screaming their love to Justin Bieber.
By all means enjoy your fantasy, but realize thath it's only an excape from reality.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
By all means enjoy your fantasy, but realize thath it's only an excape from reality.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Think for a moment from the other guy's point of view.
If I were single and someone came up to me and said "remember three years ago we were on the same bus a few times and our eyes met once? I've been thinking about it ever since and I think you are the One I'm destined to be with" I would get as far away from that person as possible. I would do this even if the person was really attractive. Obsession and the inability to distinguish reality from fantasy are not what most people look for in a mate.
I do believe that you felt something very powerful in those moments looking at that person. What I don't believe is that it is helpful to call that something a connection. Calling it a "connection" would imply that both parties felt it and that something significant was communicated along that connection.
You don't know that the other guy felt anything like the reaction you had. You also don't know anything about him other than his appearance and his bearing. For all you know he could be a sociopathic serial killer or just the most annoying person you ever got lucky to avoid actually meeting.
What you do know is that at that moment in your life you felt a strong attraction when presented with the visual image of this person on the bus. This reaction may have had as much to do with the state of the relationship you were in and the state of your internal biochemistry at that time as with the specific appearance of the particular guy. It's possible that the attraction would have vanished the moment he opened his mouth. It's possible that if you met him today the attraction wouldn't be there because you aren't in the same place that you were three years ago.
Trust me, when you find somebody who will be a good fit for a lifetime relationship the connection will be a lot deeper than the flare of attraction for an attractive stranger.
posted by tdismukes at 11:48 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
If I were single and someone came up to me and said "remember three years ago we were on the same bus a few times and our eyes met once? I've been thinking about it ever since and I think you are the One I'm destined to be with" I would get as far away from that person as possible. I would do this even if the person was really attractive. Obsession and the inability to distinguish reality from fantasy are not what most people look for in a mate.
I do believe that you felt something very powerful in those moments looking at that person. What I don't believe is that it is helpful to call that something a connection. Calling it a "connection" would imply that both parties felt it and that something significant was communicated along that connection.
You don't know that the other guy felt anything like the reaction you had. You also don't know anything about him other than his appearance and his bearing. For all you know he could be a sociopathic serial killer or just the most annoying person you ever got lucky to avoid actually meeting.
What you do know is that at that moment in your life you felt a strong attraction when presented with the visual image of this person on the bus. This reaction may have had as much to do with the state of the relationship you were in and the state of your internal biochemistry at that time as with the specific appearance of the particular guy. It's possible that the attraction would have vanished the moment he opened his mouth. It's possible that if you met him today the attraction wouldn't be there because you aren't in the same place that you were three years ago.
Trust me, when you find somebody who will be a good fit for a lifetime relationship the connection will be a lot deeper than the flare of attraction for an attractive stranger.
posted by tdismukes at 11:48 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses, mefites.
I suppose using the phrase "The One," might have done me a disservice.
Believe it or not, I am very much a realist, and have known for years that I was carrying a torch for a fantasy. Perhaps in part because the other fantasies I stumble into seem even less realistic, given economics, bad decisions in the past, general lack of faith that things will work out the way I want.
I have always had a difficult time with "dating," obtaining and keeping romantic relationships. I'm not sure why that is, because I do have a lot going for me. But I have plenty of flaws, too. I guess I am just fairly resigned to being lonely, because the relationship I was in three years ago (when I last saw fantasy-guy), was my last relationship. Period.
Therapy would be great, but I can't afford it right now. It's just not an option. Hopefully sometime in the future, if work improves.
Anyway. Thanks again, everyone.
posted by 6 of 1 at 1:53 PM on October 23, 2012
I suppose using the phrase "The One," might have done me a disservice.
Believe it or not, I am very much a realist, and have known for years that I was carrying a torch for a fantasy. Perhaps in part because the other fantasies I stumble into seem even less realistic, given economics, bad decisions in the past, general lack of faith that things will work out the way I want.
I have always had a difficult time with "dating," obtaining and keeping romantic relationships. I'm not sure why that is, because I do have a lot going for me. But I have plenty of flaws, too. I guess I am just fairly resigned to being lonely, because the relationship I was in three years ago (when I last saw fantasy-guy), was my last relationship. Period.
Therapy would be great, but I can't afford it right now. It's just not an option. Hopefully sometime in the future, if work improves.
Anyway. Thanks again, everyone.
posted by 6 of 1 at 1:53 PM on October 23, 2012
I have always had a difficult time with "dating," obtaining and keeping romantic relationships. I'm not sure why that is, because I do have a lot going for me.
Well it could be partly because you have a romantic ideal in your head of how it should be, so nothing will ever measure up! Which means you don't give real-world options a chance, which keeps you alone, which makes the fantasy look even more attractive, which makes real-world options less attractive ... etc.
The fantasy isn't some goal of happiness and passion you're aspiring to, it's an obstacle getting in the way of true happiness and passion. Maybe this guy is nothing more than an excuse to not take other risks.
posted by headnsouth at 2:25 PM on October 23, 2012
Well it could be partly because you have a romantic ideal in your head of how it should be, so nothing will ever measure up! Which means you don't give real-world options a chance, which keeps you alone, which makes the fantasy look even more attractive, which makes real-world options less attractive ... etc.
The fantasy isn't some goal of happiness and passion you're aspiring to, it's an obstacle getting in the way of true happiness and passion. Maybe this guy is nothing more than an excuse to not take other risks.
posted by headnsouth at 2:25 PM on October 23, 2012
I feel certain that you will never feel that 'electric spark' with anyone ever again, IF you have made up your mind that you will never feel it ever again. And that would be terribly sad!
I hope you will find it within yourself to be open to the possibility of happiness and excitement in your future. I suspect it would help you in terms of your other 'problems' with dating too...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:51 PM on October 23, 2012
I hope you will find it within yourself to be open to the possibility of happiness and excitement in your future. I suspect it would help you in terms of your other 'problems' with dating too...
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:51 PM on October 23, 2012
What you're saying totally makes sense. I'm not at all surprised to hear you say that you're sort of a discouraged romantic; that's EXACTLY the kind of mindset I think is most hospitable to this kind of thinking. It's a wonderful idea -- it really is -- that you could see someone and actually know that there was something between you on sight. It's lovely; it's magic. Being drawn to that idea isn't nutty, and the fact that you haven't acted on it beyond pondering sort of suggests to me that you've got a handle, somewhere in your mind, on the fact that it's not real.
But add that lovely idea to the fact that feeling discouraged because you're discouraged is lonely (as you say) and frustrating, and it might logically be easier for your brain to feel discouraged because you missed your big chance. (I often say that my brain subs in other feelings for the ones it doesn't like -- "Today, playing the part of I Don't Feel Like You Care About Me, please welcome, I Don't Like You!")
Don't give up. And as for therapy, it's true that there's often some layout of funds, but there are also sliding-scale therapists and community programs and things like that. Somebody to talk to is a good thing. Make sure that if all that's keeping you away from therapy is cost, you've investigated all the options.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:50 AM on October 24, 2012
But add that lovely idea to the fact that feeling discouraged because you're discouraged is lonely (as you say) and frustrating, and it might logically be easier for your brain to feel discouraged because you missed your big chance. (I often say that my brain subs in other feelings for the ones it doesn't like -- "Today, playing the part of I Don't Feel Like You Care About Me, please welcome, I Don't Like You!")
Don't give up. And as for therapy, it's true that there's often some layout of funds, but there are also sliding-scale therapists and community programs and things like that. Somebody to talk to is a good thing. Make sure that if all that's keeping you away from therapy is cost, you've investigated all the options.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:50 AM on October 24, 2012
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Obviously, that's just my opinion. You can't know this sort of thing for sure. But I think it is true, and has the added benefit of being comforting.
posted by tsh at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [6 favorites]