Does it really come when you least expect it?

January 31, 2009 10:26 AM

Are you a person whose romantic life started comparatively late--say, in your mid-twenties or later? Tell me your story!

I'm in a very similar situation to this poster, down to living in NYC and being unable to flirt. (I'm a couple years younger, though--I turn 22 soon.)

But I'm not sure if I want to put in the work it takes to make a theoretical relationship, well, work, or even if I want to start casually dating. I don't feel like I'm really missing anything: I'm pretty happy with my life and how things are going at the moment, and I'm engaged in all kinds of fascinating and absorbing intellectual projects. At the same time, I don't want to grow old and die alone--I'd like, at some point, to be in a long-term relationship with someone. (I don't really care about sex.) I have had 2 relationships which each lasted a few months, but nothing in the past 3-4 years, so I'm beginning to get concerned that I'm permanently walling myself off from this part of human life.

So my question to you is: were you a late bloomer, romantically? Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true? How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships? What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time? Mostly, I'm interested in hearing what your experience of "breaking out of your shell" was like.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I'm not sure if I want to put in the work it takes to make a theoretical relationship, well, work

Look, kid. You don't know shit like this one way or the other until you meet someone... what I mean to say is that there are people out there who, no, you won't want to put the work into having a relationship with. But then again when you meet that person you're smitten with, suddenly it's not work, it's a passion.

were you a late bloomer, romantically

Everyone has dry spells, some are just front loaded. Mine was when I was about 20 to 23 when I only had the occasional hook up, but no relationships. And it make sense looking back, I was to self-absorbed (I sense some of that with you) and frankly wasn't datable to begin with...

Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true?

The only thing that has turned out to be true is that "old lines" about love are never true. Those people who say, "Oh you're looking to hard," or, "You'll meet someone when you least expect it," are always ensconced in their own relationship for which they turned over every rock, pawed at every friend-of-a-friend, and spent late nights bar hopping... they just want to make it look easy, like it's not hard to do. Liars everyone of them.

How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships?

At about 23 I moved for work and found myself in a completely different environment away from friends and family. It was there that I was pretty much forced to grow up a little and stop looking for distractions in my equally lonely guy friends back home. Being in a different place is either sink or swim. You either force yourself to meet new people, or you sit at home alone...

What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time?

Dear younger self,

Here is a list of names with dates and times along with notations when you could have gotten laid but you fucked it up because a.) you were playing the "nice guy," b.) you got too drunk and passed out, or c.) you totally missed a cue, like that time whatshername, the cute one with that Volkswagen, insisted you come back to her place and instead of hooking up, you tried to be gentlemanly and get to know her first. Idiot!

posted by wfrgms at 10:44 AM on January 31 [11 favorites has favorites]

My enthusiasm in answering this question ("in your mid-twenties or later?") was dampened when I went inside and found out that you're only 21 years old. Oh, for heaven's sake. You've got no business worrying about being a "late bloomer." You're still in the early budding stages of the romantic world.

But, FWIW, I was in my very late 20s when I went on a trip to England with a small group of folks, one of whom was a close friend, the others I knew from seeing them at an annual convention. I wasn't really looking forward to the trip, but as it turned out there was some sort of spark between me and one of the guys in our group...I'd been acquainted with him for several years, but we didn't really "know" one another. After a few late nights at the pub just chatting about anything and everything, we found out that we had a lot in common. Long story short, this April we'll celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:03 AM on January 31

Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true?

Yes and no. My current (successful, delightful) relationship started after a long period of me thinking no one could ever possibly love me--lots of moping, lots of not bothering to try to look for someone, lots of self-defeating thoughts. My SO asked me out in such a direct way I didn't have time to overthink it. Neither of us did the "Does s/he like me? I don't know... let's have long conversations with our friends about 'mixed signals'" routine. He asked me out, I said yes, and we started dating. So, I hadn't been expecting it, but I still had to choose to go on a date with this acquaintance of mine.

I'm sure there were moments of extreme stupidity in my single days--times I missed cues from people interested in me (or at least receptive to the idea of me asking them out) because I was too busy moping and feeling sorry for myself. That's why love seemed to show up when I "least expected it"--my SO came along and helped me break out of my shell. If you want to do that for yourself instead of hoping someone will come along and do it for you (which, someone might... or might not), stop overthinking it and ask people out on dates. I'm sure that's not for everyone--and I know plenty of people whose relationships came out of hanging out with a friend (which turned into hooking up, which turned into dating)--but that's what worked for me.
posted by Meg_Murry at 11:34 AM on January 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

I knew someone just like you!

He didn't date or "hook up" or anything until he was 22 since, he just was never very interested in that sort of thing and was "contentedly single". He had a few girls ask him out, whom he turned down, so it was by choice. He, too, couldn't see spending a whole lot of time with anyone in particular. There were a few crushes along the way, but he didn't really act on them.

Then, a little over a year ago, he found he was very interested in a girl. He asked her out, she was interested in him, and here they are a year later and very happy!

So, yeah, it can happen right out of the blue. Don't fret. You don't necessarily need to change anything if you're happy. Once that special someone crosses your path, the changes will come automatically as a matter of course.

If you find yourself lonely or distressed that you're single, then maybe you could look into changing something up, but not until then!
posted by losvedir at 3:22 PM on January 31 [1 favorite has favorites]

I didn't have any involvement with anyone, including even something as simple as dating or kissing, until I was 26. Since then, I have had one relationship that ended about three years ago. I guess what I have to say is you aren't doing too shabby for as young as you are because, if I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to get ready to be disappointed.
posted by Foam Pants at 3:28 PM on January 31

I was 27 before romance fantasy met romance reality. I was terminally shy and lived in my head, so I had no motivation to run any risks. Also more than a little busy making myself into someone I liked. When I was somewhat more ready for a real person to be with, it was so great that I had no regrets on waiting. The only thing I would tell my younger self is to not smoke weed. In terms of romance? I'd change nothing! I'm glad I didn't get into something before I was ready. Though I doubt many would walk my path ...
posted by Redhush at 4:35 PM on January 31 [2 favorites has favorites]

I would've told myself.. "you know that thing you're sorta good at, drawing, art, whatever.. STICK WITH IT, instead of wasting time trying to find someone, or being all loserish and depressed cause you had nobody."

Because now that I'm older, all the people I deem happy in both love, life, career.. are the ones who stuck to their hobbies and passions, and all those stupid adolescent years of drawing in their bedrooms, now they're the ones who are married, have good social lives, but mostly they're still into those things--be it art, photography, design, etc.. only they're the "pros". They're the ones with the blogs, the articles, the respected ones.. not the dreamer amateurs"wishing" they stuck to it.

And those things make them attractive to women. It's a LLLLTL.. Life lesson learned little too late.
posted by 0217174 at 6:13 PM on January 31 [6 favorites has favorites]

What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time?

I would tell her not to wait until she was 33 to have her first proper adult relationship with all the risks and vulnerability that entails because those risks and vulnerabilities felt bigger and more scary the more I put off taking them. Now that I've done it, I'm a better (read: "more grown up") person. That doesn't mean that the relationship somehow "completes" me, but I didn't know what was possible in terms of my growth as a person until I ventured into this relationship. What I've learned has also significantly changed how I approach relationships and people generally.

How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships?

I didn't have to change much about my life before the relationship in order to get into it, bar gearing my mind up for what felt like a serious, jumping off a precipice type level of risk. Things have changed since but they happened organically -- still scary, but it's just sort of unfolded. Gaining a stronger sense of myself has been both a useful by-product and tool in the relationship. I've always been strong on the individualism and I like to think that's been maintained in this situation -- not only that, but it's made the relationship better. So actually having the ability to be by yourself may make it easier to be in a relationship because (IMHO) you're less likely to get "lost" in the relationship.

But I'm not sure if I want to put in the work it takes to make a theoretical relationship, well, work, or even if I want to start casually dating.

What I'm about to write is the most cliched of cliches, and I didn't believe it when I believed I was better off without a relationship, but don't knock it 'till you try it. I feel like I've been waxing lyrical just a little but frankly, it's far from perfect and that's the thing that I really had to come up against. In my mind, if it wasn't perfect, it wasn't worth doing. But now, in all it's imperfections, it's a wonderful and life-changing experience. I wonder if it would have been less momentous if I'd started the whole process earlier and done it at a younger age when I would have had a chance to sort out what I wanted over a long period of time and a range of relationships rather than doing it all in one go, being very cognizant of exactly what's going on at every moment (if that makes sense). Having said that, there's no point regretting the wait, because that's just crazy-making.
posted by prettypretty at 6:16 PM on January 31 [3 favorites has favorites]

You know the collected history of missed cues would be a wonderful thing to have, my contribution would probably slot into a very slim paragraph along the many others under the large chapter: UNIVERSITY YEARS, with a footnote or two under HIGH SCHOOL. In the appendix would be the busy trade in letters between past and future selves, cross referenced by obviousness and wisdom and the preface would be the surprise confession of a lapsed Lothario. Unfortunately this book does not exist. Just saying is all.
posted by doobiedoo at 6:29 PM on January 31

22 (or even 24) is by no means 'late' and neither is mid-twenties or late twenties. Its interesting how many men your age seem to be concerned about the same thing.
posted by xm at 8:57 PM on January 31

were you a late bloomer, romantically?
Yeah, 21 and a few months old.

Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true?
Yes, very true. The first time I met her through a common friend, I didn't even talk to her apart from a casual "Hey, I'm XYZ". And I wasn't attracted to her either. The relationship happened through a series of lucky co-incidences and a bit of bravery and a wrong assumption that she liked me.

How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships?
Lots of things. But then, I didn't have a lot going for me until a year-or-so ago. I was fat, uninteresting, depressed and snobbish.

What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time?
Nothing. The fun was in the learning process. In hindsight, I turned out quite well. And considering the landmines (read: emotionally messed up girls) I missed, I consider myself lucky to have not been in "the game" earlier.
posted by cyanide at 5:51 AM on February 1

Were you a late bloomer, romantically?

Yes. I had lots of guy friends, and intense letter-heavy teenage-y infatuations, but I've only had 2 serious physical relationships (both started after high school), and the 2nd one evolved into engagement (the wedding's this year!). And frankly, the first one was more along the lines of the initial stuff because it was long distance and we met through the internet. So really I've only had one "normal" physical, adult relationship, and it began when I was 24.

Did the old line about love showing up when you least expect it turn out to be true?

Yes. It's a little trite in phrasing, but I think the gist of that old cliche--real, genuine, adult love happens when you are busy being a whole person and living your life in all arenas, not just moping in a lovelorn search--has a ring of truth to it, for sure. NEEDING to be in a relationship and feeling broken without one is one of the biggest turn offs I find, which of course is a catch. When you don't NEED one, you'll be ready for one.

How much did you have to change in your life before you could start being in relationships?

I always had relationships, but this healthy-feeling, earthy, all-around-solid type thing I have now seems only possible because I finally figured out how to be comfortable in my skin, not just my head. It manifests itself in superficial ways--taking care of my appearance for my own sake, being healthy, having more confident body language and posture, holding my head up high and smiling, being all-around socially warm for the first time in my life--but it's deeper than that too. I had some trauma issues from childhood and adolescence, and it took being comfortable again with myself as a physical entity to get to where I could have trust physically interacting with new people and getting intimate. I always had the frame of an emotional/cerebral infatuation part down, but it lacked the meat and blood of any desire for everyday physical exuberance and touch when I was younger. The bond you create through touch matters now to me, and didn't really before except as an abstract concept. This sounds complicated, but then, I'm not sure my development was so normal.

What would you tell your younger, single self if you could go back in time?

Don't settle for less--I did a lot of the time, and it resulted in resentment and second-guessing myself and acting out badly. And don't be afraid to be honest and communicate--I had this unspoken notion as a teenager that being mysterious and intuitive was part of being a sexy and desirable female partner. Such bull. My partner and I communicate openly, casually, seriously, playfully, and most important of all, regularly. Looking back it galls me how much went unsaid in my past romantic interactions. Disastrous. The kind of partner who needs things to be unspoken in order to be "romantic" is not the kind for me. To each their own, but that's me.

Also: you were beautiful and smart and didn't even realize it. You kind of hid it pretty well (which I'd find a tragic waste now if it wasn't for who found me at the right time anyhow). Don't sell yourself short! Not for anyone. The right person will recognize your strengths and understand, or at least sympathize with your weaknesses.
posted by ifjuly at 1:42 PM on February 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

If by "not interested in sex" you mean you are not and have never been interested in sex or orgasms then you are not normal. Not a freak or anything, but definitely outside the bounds of "normal". However, if you masturbate on even a semi-regular basis but are not interested in sex with others then you are a lot closer to normal and given time and the right opportunity/person/relationship/etc (which will very likely happen if you put even a modest effort into it) you'll be fine.

If you are the former you might want to go talk to a doctor and/or a psychiatrist. Having an interest in sex will definitely help you instigate & maintain relationships, though it isn't necessarily critical. I have heard of couples in which neither party ever had an interest in sex, though it is extremely rare.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23 and didn't have my first serious relationship until shortly thereafter. I had opportunities earlier, but never took them because I wasn't ready.

There was one bit of advise that really jumped out for me from the post you linked to:

The best advice that not many people give is to flirt when it doesn't matter. Don't try out your flirting skills when you've got your eye on the prize and you're worried about making a good impression. Flirt all the time. Make light hearted banter and funny innuendo a part of social interactions. For some reason Americans are terrible at it, but non-British Europeans excel at it.

If you're comfortable making light and flirtatious banter with someone when everyone knows its just goofing around, it'll be much easier when you're actually trying to snag the interest of the other party. The big upside of this is that when you say something remarkably flat or stupid sounding... when you're goofing around with your friends they'll call you right on it and make fun of you ;-) It's instant feedback!

If/when you decide to have a sexual relatonship with someone, having that skill in place will make your life much, much easier. Learning to flirt well gave me far more opportunities and without it I wouldn't be dating the amazing woman I am now.

Good luck!
posted by thekiltedwonder at 7:04 PM on February 1 [2 favorites has favorites]

I've found no pattern. Sometimes it happens when you're actively looking for it. Sometimes when you categorically don't want it. Some fall in love numerously. Some never. Some marry the one(s) they fall in love with, some don't. Love is different at different ages; as one gets older, generally (though not absolutely) it becomes less about passion, more intimacy. The main helpful catalyst I've found is to intuitively follow one's inherent talents and passion-- to put it in what's now a cliche, 'follow your bliss'--, and this serendipitously attracts people one is inclined to like. And, clearly, experience with 'flirting,' 'dating,' and 'sexuality'-- however these are construed-- can be helpful.

By the way, keep in mind-- There's only one word for 'love' in English, but numerous in many other languages. (As in the common example of Ancient Greek: storgē, philia, eros, agape.) And conceptions of marriage-- reasons for, roles and responsibilities in-- and love itself-- though these ultimately may just be cultural rephrasings of the same feelings-- have changed significantly throughout history and will continue to.

Maybe this is far more information than you were looking for-- but, in the greater context, I think it's probably relevant.
posted by cotesdurhone at 2:48 PM on October 27