Is he into me or is he a player?
September 24, 2012 3:34 PM   Subscribe

Is he into me or is he a player? (apologies for a long-ish one, but I never posted a question before!)

I've met this guy through a dating site; we met, had a great time, he texted back next day asking for another one..we met again, had great time again, he texted me almost straight after,even before he reached his home..more texting during the week, flirty ones and friendly ones. We met the third time, snogged etc, had great time- and although things went pretty hot, I left him at the train station (made sure he had sort of connection home, although not a very great one at 3 in the morning, plus it included a taxi ride, which probably was on expensive side). He obviously was p**d off, as earlier that evening he said that he would not have any trains after certain time, and I sort of hinted, that he'd not need to worry..but as things were I was going to work the next day, so on the whim I just made sure he had a train home..I wasn't very impressed with myself, so the next day I apologised, explained, and was told that everything is good and ok. Actually, he texted me a couple of days later (yay!), asking how I am, when I am free to meet I pretty much worked out he still is interested in me. When actually I told him when I am free, there was no reply. I texted him again, promting some response- and was told that he needs to work out when he is free....he still hasn't, though. It's been 4 days now. What to do? Shall I contact him again? Sure he knows I am intersted?
posted by bloodandglitter to Human Relations (31 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
No longer into you. He's stewing and fuming about what happened earlier.
posted by Kruger5 at 3:40 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

He knows you're interested. Let the next contact come from him. If he's interested, he'll get in touch, and if he's not, he won't.

Honestly though, if you've had no contact at all for four days, he's probably not all that into you. You met through a dating site so there's every chance he's dating other people too. Essentially you're not a priority for him. It doesn't matter why that is. Leave the ball in his court and occupy yourself with other things and other people.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:43 PM on September 24, 2012 [5 favorites]

What to do? Shall I contact him again? Sure he knows I am intersted?

I think the best thing to do in dating situations like this is to not worry so much about whether the other person is a player or not behaving well and instead worry about whether you are behaving the way you want to in your relationship (such as it is). In your shoes, I would probably text him something like, "Hey, I'm sorry again that I wasn't much help with transportation on Saturday. I had a lot of fun with you. Would you like to meet up at PLACE to do THING on DAY?"

Or maybe just the second two sentences, since you've already talked about the train thing. Then see what happens. If he doesn't get in touch, then you know. But at least you did what you could (without being a weird stalker-type).
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:48 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

A player? I don't see what would make you think that.

He liked you, then you dumped him at a train station at 3AM after "hinting" that you wouldn't. After that, he vacillated about his feelings about you, and you're no longer a priority. He might even think YOU'RE the player after the snog-and-get-out treatment.
posted by cmoj at 4:00 PM on September 24, 2012 [36 favorites]

You didn't owe him sex or anything, but it was thoughtless and rude to send him home the way you did. It's not just the inconvenience or expense, there is also a risk of crime. Hell, I can think of lots of reasons not to want to travel at 3am!

Why would you ask if he was a player? It's pretty certain your actions are the reason he's cooled off.

Maybe you didn't really like him, and that's why you failed to thoughtfully consider his travel issues? Or maybe you are flakey and self-centered by nature? I'm just an Internet stranger, so I can't judge your character overall, but yeah, what you decided to do on a whim is deal-breaker territory, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Sorry.
posted by jbenben at 4:04 PM on September 24, 2012 [14 favorites]

If I had to wildly speculate? He was annoyed that you kind of told him he was going home and spending the night with you, and then at 3 a.m. on a whim you put him on a train to be followed by a cab to go home, because you had to work the next day (which you already knew about). And now he thinks you're making things needlessly complicated because you have some hang-ups about intimacy and/or can't figure out what you want. And as a result of all that, he's seeing red flags and lost interest.

But, there are a million possible interpretations. Maybe he's busy right now. Maybe he wants to see how things are going with someone else. Maybe he's a player and you're making it too hard for him to hit that (although I think, if I were a player, I might take that as a challenge... or regard your apology etc. as indicating that you're now a sure thing... or something, with the result that I would again try to sleep with you). Maybe his grandma died.

That said, I agree with Famous Monster. You left the ball in his court. Trying to figure out what he's thinking and why is going to be crazy-making. If you want to know whether he's interested, well, he will either follow up or he won't and then you will have your answer.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:06 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

He doesn't really sound like a player, he just doesn't sound interested.

I think the train thing is where you lost him.
posted by heyjude at 4:40 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

If a new relationship can be disrupted by a late night train ride and a taxi ride, it's probably not something to chase up.

The comments that you were inconsiderate are quite funny. He's a grown man (hopefully) and he made his own decision to stay out late and play the cards – and miss the train. Sounds like he was hoping to go home with you and make the magic happen. That's a gamble. It's an early date and there's no assurances, yeah? You can hint all you want, it's called flirting. He made a choice to miss the train.

As mentioned, doesn't sound like something worth chasing up. If he was into you, he would have been happy to have spent time with you, regardless of what happened after that. Men will do a lot when they really like a woman. If they're not doing a lot, then you have your answer.

Sounds like a case of backward thinking. He's not calling you back, so he must be upset. If he's upset, you must have done something. What did you do? Well, there was that thing with the train and the cab. That must be it.

The reality is who knows? Maybe he met someone else. Maybe his job imploded. Maybe his house exploded. Maybe he went back to an old lover. Maybe he decided to go to India and see his old guru on a whim. Maybe he was in the off-license and decided to steal a beer and is now in prison. The reason doesn't really matter.

The backward thinking thing is something to think about. If you're looking for reasons why it didn't work out, it may be very simple. It just wasn't meant to be. Unless you like to mess with people and cost them money on late night cabs home, in which case you might well be a player! But I doubt it. Sounds like a wash; a normal occurrence in the life of singles.

posted by nickrussell at 4:43 PM on September 24, 2012 [26 favorites]

You are always 100% allowed to end a date, or change your mind about having sex. If you were both completely unclothed and you stood up and said you didn't want to go any further, that would be fully within your rights.

I've been in uncomfortable situations where I didn't want to spend the night at someone's house (or have them at mine) late into making out on a couch, but still liked them and wanted to go for another date sometime. Going further physically then you want to is always the wrong choice in that situation (lessons one shouldn't have to learn the hard way, but often do...).

A lot of people would be cranky at a 3am train ride and cab home, no matter what the reason was. If he was really into you though, he'd be willing to give it another go. I've sent men off under similar circumstances and gotten texts in the morning asking to meet up again.
posted by Dynex at 4:50 PM on September 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'd put the shoe on the other foot for a bit. He's into you, you have a few great dates and fun snogging, he invites you to stay longer than you might otherwise - hinting that you needn't worry about the late evening, and then he puts you on a train in the dead of night and you also have to shell out for a $$$ cab. If someone did this to me, I'd read it as a clear signal that they're not into me.

I am not in any way saying that you owed him sex or accommodation. But, you were quite inconsiderate about how he would finish up the night. If you were already aware that you had work the next day and that he was not welcome to spend the night, you should have sent him home when the journey would have been a bit easier for him.
posted by quince at 4:52 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm interested in what exactly was said. Did you say, "You won't need that train later, big boy?" or did you say something like, "It'd be nice to take you home sometime." I'm wondering about how ambiguous the statement was.

Regardless, really, if a man got angry at me for sending him home, I'd be glad to be shut of him. Sounds juvenile to me. Please don't keep apologizing if you already have once. While it wasn't the most considerate thing in the world to do, oh well, it wasn't criminal, you said sorry, and if he can't handle it, he's kind of a wimp.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:31 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Well, maybe he isn't a wimp, but he isn't interested enough, perhaps, and you need not prostrate yourself.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:33 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

You stuck him on a train at 3am, and he's not inclined to have the boot-to-the-curb experience repeated. That does not make him a player -- and the connection between "not liking how he was treated" and "he must sleep with lots of women, and treat them poorly" makes no sense, at least to me.
posted by ellF at 5:37 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

He liked you, then you dumped him at a train station at 3AM after "hinting" that you wouldn't. After that, he vacillated about his feelings about you, and you're no longer a priority. He might even think YOU'RE the player after the snog-and-get-out treatment.

This. I'd like to add, though, that the "hinting" is where you went wrong. Yeah, you don't owe him sex, you don't owe him a place to crash, but you do owe him honesty. You could have said something like "let's go back to my place for a beer, but you've got to be out at a reasonable hour because I've got work in the morning." Then he could have left at midnight or whatever earlier time he had to go to make his trip home more bearable. I can see why he might have been peeved.

As to what to do, you do nothing. I don't the impression there was any ill intent from either of you, so chalk it up to experience. If something like this happens again, make sure to be clear about the situation beforehand.
posted by breakin' the law at 5:48 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also: speaking as someone who has dealt with very long public transit commutes in the wee hours, this man is not necessarily a "wimp." If you've ever ran to catch a train (or, in my case, ferry) at 3am only to find that you've missed it by two minutes and are now staring down the barrel of waiting in a desolate station for an hour or more when all you want to do is go home and sleep,'d know how much it royally sucks.
posted by breakin' the law at 5:56 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

The train thing happens. You don't want a man sleeping in your apartment, that's up to you and you always have the right to change your mind and say no. That doesn't mean the situation didn't suck for him, though, and even though it wasn't a horrible thing to do it might have made him reluctant to go out with you again. Or he just found out that a good friend died. Or..or..we really can't know, but at this point he knows you're interested and that's the most control you have over the situation.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:10 PM on September 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

You treated him very badly and now you're experiencing consequences. He specifically said he wanted to end his evening early due to the trains, you dismissed his concern (hinting that sex would be a possibility) and then put him exactly in the position that he was worried was going to happen. Obviously you don't have to have sex with somebody if you're not feeling the magic (regardless of what was "hinted") but the appropriate thing would have been for you to at least let him crash on your couch, considering that you were the one who put him into that position.

What you're experiencing now is called "being put on the back-burner." He has decided that you're a game-player and therefore not worth any significant expenditure of effort, but since there's a small chance you might hook up with him at some point in the future, he'll keep your number in his phone for a rainy day when he gets bored or another date cancels on him unexpectedly.

As for what to do... well, unless you want to wait for that rainy day, your options are limited. He's bitter, and understandably so. If I were in his shoes, I would be skeptical any subsequent flirting from you and assume that you were simply doing it for the ego boost of seeing how long you could string him along. And an invitation to hang out would be equally worthless since your value in his eyes has most likely dropped to the point where you're not worth the time expenditure of taking the train in. (Yeah, being on the back-burner really sucks.) However, it's possible that you could lure him into one more date by inviting him to do something with you that he really enjoys. For example, getting a pair of concert tickets to a band he likes, or inviting him to an arcade if you know he likes video games, etc. Then once you get him on the date, make sure he leaves "fully satisfied." That will demonstrate: 1) that you are considerate enough to find fun things to do that you know he'll enjoy, and 2) that you're not a tease. That ought to help restore most of your perceived value in his eyes.

Whatever you do, just don't expect him to pursue you romantically until that point. Your actions broke the emotional connection, so therefore it's going to be on you to fix it.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:11 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, it's not even the sex part. He basically said 'I don't want to be in the situation where I can't get home easily after last train' and you said 'don't worry about it' overtly or covertly, and then put him in the exact situation he didn't want to be placed in. As a public transportation taker, and a person who NEVER took black cabs in the UK due to cost, this really wasn't nice. He could have slept on your couch even OR you could have made sure he left by last train since you maybe in the back of your mind knew you were working the next day.

Regardless, the ship has sailed.

and this is the first time I have disagreed with nickrussell!
posted by bquarters at 6:12 PM on September 24, 2012 [11 favorites]

He could have slept on your couch

That was my first thought as well. ;)

posted by nickrussell at 6:27 PM on September 24, 2012

Then once you get him on the date, make sure he leaves "fully satisfied." That will demonstrate: ...2) that you're not a tease. That ought to help restore most of your perceived value in his eyes.

Just a quick point OP: I would caution against making sure that he is "fully satisfied" in a sexual sense unless you really want to sleep with him. Sleeping with a person just to raise your "perceived value" or as an "I'm sorry" or to get him to "like you more" sets up a very dangerous president. You do not want to start a relationship by using sex as a bartering chip or tool.

Not saying that anyone is suggesting this specifically, just a general warning to not go down that road. Feel free to disregard if you already knew better.
posted by Shouraku at 6:41 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

precedent, not president. Damn iPhone.
posted by Shouraku at 6:45 PM on September 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

While he was pretty clear about his transportation needs and I think it would suck to have to go home at that hour, I think your real mistake was not paying for his cab and explaining stuff. You could say, "You know, while I'd offer you my couch, I've realized now I'm just not ready for that and so, since I know it's a huge inconvenience for you, I'd like to offer to pay for a cab home for you." (Possibly a cab from your place and not from the train.)

There's a chance (I don't know how big) that you could text him, tell him you feel bad about how you left things, and that you'd like to cover his cab fare and apologize in person. Even if he's not into you, it's a nice gesture to make.

Given that women are not infrequently sexually assaulted in their sleep by guys they let crash on their couch, I don't think you did anything wrong by sending him home, if, at that point, you were no longer into letting him crash there. But you should have sprung for a cab (and probably skipped the train too).
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:16 PM on September 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Thank you all
Just a quick explanation: I didn't sent him home from my doorstep, we ended the night in the bar; I, too, had to take the public transport to go home- just (I thought) I was as nice as to actually go with him to the train station and make sure he caches a train (he didn't know that part of the city wery well), I had then to go on my own and find my connection home etc.
I did a mistake (I shoulod have told him about the work next day, I know), admited it, honestly apologised- what else I am supposed to do? Shower him with jewels and flowers till his 50th birthday? ;)
I just thought (and hoped against odds) that he will take my apology and let me to make it up for him. Or, be annoyed and never contact me again.
And what he does is exactly in the middle (he voluntarily contacted me afterall). Hence my question
posted by bloodandglitter at 11:46 PM on September 24, 2012

I don't think he's into you, nor do I think he's a player. I think it just didn't work out between the two of you, for whatever reason. Not everything is black & white and someone's fault.

What you should do right now is move on. He's had plenty of opportunities to contact you and he hasn't availed himself of any of them. He's just not that into you. He might have been, 2 days after the date, but it doesn't seem like he is any more.
posted by Solomon at 1:47 AM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

ok, apologies if I sounded sarcastic- not at all that was on my mind...rather a joke.
Honestly, I do appreciate all the advice, and honestly, I do not know what to do :) as I mentioned, I would like to make it up (and of course, putting the efffort into it, like making the dinner or organising something awesome for a date), it is just...I dont know if he is interested in receiving any of it.. opinions differ here :) I havent been on the dating scene for a while and do not know very well the 'rules'..nor have I any brother / father to give me any advice, and male way of thinking still's been very misterious to me
posted by bloodandglitter at 5:52 AM on September 25, 2012

nor have I any brother / father to give me any advice, and male way of thinking still's been very misterious to me

Haha man if my sister solicited me for relationship advice...
Anyway here's the mystery: if you're both well balanced people than odds are very high that he thinks like you would in a given situation. Nothing to do with gender
posted by MangyCarface at 6:20 AM on September 25, 2012

You are thinking about this too much.

If our bad moves didn't have consequences, people would continue doing them. Your consequence is that he has soured on you. Accept, and be more careful with the next guy. Even if does agree to see you, the 3 AM train incident may hang over your head.

Move on, forget the buy-him-dinner to get to his heart, rarely works at such an early stage.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:20 AM on September 25, 2012

I don't think there's anything you can do. You apologized and that's it - I don't think any further effort will make it up to him. And honestly, given that he texted you again after that date, it kinda sounds like the whole "sending him home early" thing isn't even the problem here. Lots of people flake out or lose interest early on in the dating process and there isn't any way to win them over or change their mind. You've gotten in touch and the ball's in his court - all you can do is wait and see if you hear from him, though at this point it isn't seeming likely.
posted by whitelily at 6:23 AM on September 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would chalk it up as an experience. Don't contact him again. If he contacts you, take it from there.

It sounds like he was miffed about the train thing, but he's a grown up and he decided to stay later. You should have told him that you wanted to have an early evening, so he had all the data to make that decision. At the end of the day though, none of this is earth shattering.

If he was super-into you, it wouldn't matter to him. Just a bump in the road. If he was liking you, but then this happened and he decided that it was a deal-breaker, then it was. If he was on the fence, perhaps your last date was indeed your last date.

That's how it goes. Sometimes you like someone more than they like you. He gave you a fair chance and he's not interested.

Done and done. Move on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:59 AM on September 25, 2012

If you have to ask yourself this, he's probably a player.
posted by discopolo at 7:16 AM on September 26, 2012

It sounds like he was miffed about the train thing, but he's a grown up and he decided to stay later. You should have told him that you wanted to have an early evening, so he had all the data to make that decision. At the end of the day though, none of this is earth shattering.

I have to agree. He's not a child and you're not his mommy. You have to work. If he's mad about it, then he's going to be whiny and demanding about a lot of things.

Find a more easy going guy. Otherwise, he'll just make you miserable with his neediness.
posted by discopolo at 7:23 AM on September 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

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