Reclusive mum and family issues
August 9, 2012 4:24 AM Subscribe
What to do about reclusive mum and family situation
Hi all
I’ll try and keep this brief, it is a situation which has been around for a long time but has slowly got worse.
Mum is pretty much a total recluse, and has been one for the last 15 years or so. She suffered from panic attacks during her menopause which, I think, caused her to want to stay inside. Also, she has rheumatoid arthritis which has steadily got worse. She can’t walk or stand for long now, and her hands are a bit swollen as well. She doesn’t even go out into the garden much, although in the past few years she and my dad does come and visit me and my family (a two hour drive away) twice a year.
Dad is a lot older than her (he’s in his early eighties and she’s in her late sixties). He’s pretty fit for his age, though he’s recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer (which is being controlled).
They are fairly solvent, live in a nice house (which is a bit dirty since mum/dad can’t do so much cleaning these days) and seem fairly settled.
But I am concerned for the following reasons:
- Mum won’t do ANYTHING about her arthritis. I understand it’s a condition where very often pain relief is the only option. But she won’t take anything stronger than Aspirin, occasionally, and refuses a wheelchair, zimmer frame, or even a walking stick.
- Dad, obviously, is doing well for his age. But the recent cancer news has reminded me of his mortality. How will my mum cope when he is gone? I am an only child and have two little kids, we don’t live far away at all, but I wonder how I’d cope as well (selfishly).
- I think Dad is unhappy. He obviously has to take the role of a carer, a bit, which I don’t think he appreciates. Also, mum’s issues means he doesn’t see me and my family as much as he’d like. Mum recently said that their visits to our house will probably end, due to her walking difficulties; and our visits are often postponed because she is stressed or tired. Recently Dad set up a Skype link but he postponed a recent call because mum ‘didn’t feel up to it’. Which annoyed me and in some ways pushed me to ask this question.
- Mum is unhappy too, she has trouble sleeping, is often depressed, and the arthritis pain can’t help. (But she still doesn’t do anything about it.)
- My grandmother is still alive (mid-nineties) and I think is somehow contributing to my mum’s condition. She is slowly deteriorating (physically; mentally she is as a sharp as a tack) and I do wonder that my mum has put her life on hold meantime. She lives nearby and is well looked after, but she does cause the family a lot of anxiety.
I guess what I am asking is... is there anyone out there who has a parent in the same condition – and did they find a way to get them out of this funk? I also would like to know more about how I can approach mum about seeing a doctor without her getting angry and chasing the subject; and finally, how can I make everyone happier with the situation, or, ideally, changing something which seems pretty much entrenched?
Any advice appreciated.
Hi all
I’ll try and keep this brief, it is a situation which has been around for a long time but has slowly got worse.
Mum is pretty much a total recluse, and has been one for the last 15 years or so. She suffered from panic attacks during her menopause which, I think, caused her to want to stay inside. Also, she has rheumatoid arthritis which has steadily got worse. She can’t walk or stand for long now, and her hands are a bit swollen as well. She doesn’t even go out into the garden much, although in the past few years she and my dad does come and visit me and my family (a two hour drive away) twice a year.
Dad is a lot older than her (he’s in his early eighties and she’s in her late sixties). He’s pretty fit for his age, though he’s recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer (which is being controlled).
They are fairly solvent, live in a nice house (which is a bit dirty since mum/dad can’t do so much cleaning these days) and seem fairly settled.
But I am concerned for the following reasons:
- Mum won’t do ANYTHING about her arthritis. I understand it’s a condition where very often pain relief is the only option. But she won’t take anything stronger than Aspirin, occasionally, and refuses a wheelchair, zimmer frame, or even a walking stick.
- Dad, obviously, is doing well for his age. But the recent cancer news has reminded me of his mortality. How will my mum cope when he is gone? I am an only child and have two little kids, we don’t live far away at all, but I wonder how I’d cope as well (selfishly).
- I think Dad is unhappy. He obviously has to take the role of a carer, a bit, which I don’t think he appreciates. Also, mum’s issues means he doesn’t see me and my family as much as he’d like. Mum recently said that their visits to our house will probably end, due to her walking difficulties; and our visits are often postponed because she is stressed or tired. Recently Dad set up a Skype link but he postponed a recent call because mum ‘didn’t feel up to it’. Which annoyed me and in some ways pushed me to ask this question.
- Mum is unhappy too, she has trouble sleeping, is often depressed, and the arthritis pain can’t help. (But she still doesn’t do anything about it.)
- My grandmother is still alive (mid-nineties) and I think is somehow contributing to my mum’s condition. She is slowly deteriorating (physically; mentally she is as a sharp as a tack) and I do wonder that my mum has put her life on hold meantime. She lives nearby and is well looked after, but she does cause the family a lot of anxiety.
I guess what I am asking is... is there anyone out there who has a parent in the same condition – and did they find a way to get them out of this funk? I also would like to know more about how I can approach mum about seeing a doctor without her getting angry and chasing the subject; and finally, how can I make everyone happier with the situation, or, ideally, changing something which seems pretty much entrenched?
Any advice appreciated.
Can you get a doctor to make a house call?
Maybe take her out for a treat - let her know you're visiting but then take her out with you. I'd suggest something that makes her feel nice about herself - maybe a trip to a hair salon, then shopping for something nice to wear, then a nice lunch/dinner somewhere. Help her associate leaving the house with happy thoughts.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 5:34 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Maybe take her out for a treat - let her know you're visiting but then take her out with you. I'd suggest something that makes her feel nice about herself - maybe a trip to a hair salon, then shopping for something nice to wear, then a nice lunch/dinner somewhere. Help her associate leaving the house with happy thoughts.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 5:34 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. I think the best outcome in this situation is to focus on your father, and make sure his mental and physical health is as good as it can possibly be. Encourage him to visit and do other things by himself, even if this means getting some kind of professional nursing care for your mother). Perhaps if he is happy and independent it will insipre your mother to begin making some of the same changes?
posted by Rock Steady at 5:37 AM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 5:37 AM on August 9, 2012 [7 favorites]
I agree with Rock Steady. If your mother isn't willing to get help or change her situation than very little you do will have an effect. Focusing on your father, keeping him active and engaged and actually living his life should be your priority. Encourage him to develop hobbies and activities out of the house that are purely about him and his enjoyment. It isn't about abandoning your mother, it is about encouraging him to keep living life in spite of the fact that she has checked out. She may get a bit resentful, but ultimately it is her choice to continue to check out of life and living the way she has been.
Also, I would seriously talk with them about getting a home care worker. It is unfair and unreasonable for her to expect your father to be her nurse. You can frame it as him not feeling confident that he can provide for her health needs sufficient, especially as her conditions worsen, so getting some professional nursing care is his way of ensuring her health and happiness. Who knows, maybe the need for home nursing care will bring her to realise how her life choices are actually progressing.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:46 AM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]
Also, I would seriously talk with them about getting a home care worker. It is unfair and unreasonable for her to expect your father to be her nurse. You can frame it as him not feeling confident that he can provide for her health needs sufficient, especially as her conditions worsen, so getting some professional nursing care is his way of ensuring her health and happiness. Who knows, maybe the need for home nursing care will bring her to realise how her life choices are actually progressing.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:46 AM on August 9, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Even though I do often agree with someone's choice (no medical care), in this case I would try a few approaches first before giving this idea up. The rationale is because I think that there may be an unaddressed fear(s) that may be ameliorated and can begin to make a significant impact on her quality of life (QoL) now and moving forward. Fears that no one has addressed with her but can be dealt with towards the firest few steps...
So I would try to sit down and have a conversation as to *why* she doesn't want to see (a) medical professional(s).Gentle probing questions such as: Is this issue about leaving the house (i.e. from some of your comments, I wonder about untreated agoraphobia or an anxiety disorder)? Fear of medication-associated adverse events? Trust of doctors? Is there anything that you could do that she would accept to have some initial consultations with medical professionals, including but not limited to going along with her to the appointment, having someone come to her home, researching alternative therapies to use in conjunction with any medications...whatever it is, but talk to her and find if these solutions would make it easier for her once you identify the underlying causes or fears. You may want to do some research, too, to present what these options can mean in terms of treatment, efficacy, and potential (i.e. if she has an anxiety disorder, it may mean 10 or so appointments for cognitive behavioral therapy, but this could mean that she can then leave the house, etc.).
If it is broken down into small steps and she takes the first one or two with you instead of an overwhelming giant ball of anxiety with unlimited and undefined steps, she may accept.
posted by Wolfster at 6:09 AM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
So I would try to sit down and have a conversation as to *why* she doesn't want to see (a) medical professional(s).Gentle probing questions such as: Is this issue about leaving the house (i.e. from some of your comments, I wonder about untreated agoraphobia or an anxiety disorder)? Fear of medication-associated adverse events? Trust of doctors? Is there anything that you could do that she would accept to have some initial consultations with medical professionals, including but not limited to going along with her to the appointment, having someone come to her home, researching alternative therapies to use in conjunction with any medications...whatever it is, but talk to her and find if these solutions would make it easier for her once you identify the underlying causes or fears. You may want to do some research, too, to present what these options can mean in terms of treatment, efficacy, and potential (i.e. if she has an anxiety disorder, it may mean 10 or so appointments for cognitive behavioral therapy, but this could mean that she can then leave the house, etc.).
If it is broken down into small steps and she takes the first one or two with you instead of an overwhelming giant ball of anxiety with unlimited and undefined steps, she may accept.
posted by Wolfster at 6:09 AM on August 9, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I would at least broach the subject with your parents. There are things they can both do to enhance the quality of life.
You must gently frame your discussion to make your mother see that she's being selfish. (which she is.) Also, this is an intervention, so you need to use the phrasing one would use in an intervention.
"I love you both so much and while I wish I had unlimited resources to provide for a comfortable life for you, I just don't. Mom, your refusal to deal medically with your agoraphobia and your arthritis affect me, and dad in the following ways:
1. Dad is dealing with his own health issues and you need more care than he can give in the present circumstances.
2. You cause me to worry about the future, not seeking help means that the burden of caring for you falls on family members. If this were the only option, we wouldn't resent it, but it's not, and we do.
The situation is getting worse and we believe that the sooner you seek treatment, the better the outcome will be for everyone. There are wonderful drugs and therapies that can help you live a less painful and more fulfilling life. Are you willing to put aside your fear and trepedation and trust that we have your best interests at heart? Will you please make an appointment with both a mental health professional and a medical professional?"
Once you've got that covered, see if your folks will spring for someone to come once a week to do the cleaning (I have a fear of a messy house, and I believe that dirt leads to hoarding and hoarding leads to finding dead animals under a pile of old newspapers.) If your mom is deemed to have serious functional issues (Arthritis can be like that) she may be able to have a home care worker in for therapy and for help with daily functions.
This will not be an easy conversation, for either parent. I suggest speaking to your dad privately to understand his point of view on this as well, see if you can present a united front.
Find out from your mom what her worst fear is, because that's ruining her life. What does she think the outcome would be by going to a doctor? That's the hurdle you'll have to overcome.
You may have to manipulate your mom, twist her arm to make her do it, but it must be done.
Untreated anxiety, depression and pain will cause people to have warped ideas about what they can expect from seeking medical attention. If her mother was institutionalized, she may fear that she too will be. I'd rather stay home under those circumstances too.
Good luck.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:15 AM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
You must gently frame your discussion to make your mother see that she's being selfish. (which she is.) Also, this is an intervention, so you need to use the phrasing one would use in an intervention.
"I love you both so much and while I wish I had unlimited resources to provide for a comfortable life for you, I just don't. Mom, your refusal to deal medically with your agoraphobia and your arthritis affect me, and dad in the following ways:
1. Dad is dealing with his own health issues and you need more care than he can give in the present circumstances.
2. You cause me to worry about the future, not seeking help means that the burden of caring for you falls on family members. If this were the only option, we wouldn't resent it, but it's not, and we do.
The situation is getting worse and we believe that the sooner you seek treatment, the better the outcome will be for everyone. There are wonderful drugs and therapies that can help you live a less painful and more fulfilling life. Are you willing to put aside your fear and trepedation and trust that we have your best interests at heart? Will you please make an appointment with both a mental health professional and a medical professional?"
Once you've got that covered, see if your folks will spring for someone to come once a week to do the cleaning (I have a fear of a messy house, and I believe that dirt leads to hoarding and hoarding leads to finding dead animals under a pile of old newspapers.) If your mom is deemed to have serious functional issues (Arthritis can be like that) she may be able to have a home care worker in for therapy and for help with daily functions.
This will not be an easy conversation, for either parent. I suggest speaking to your dad privately to understand his point of view on this as well, see if you can present a united front.
Find out from your mom what her worst fear is, because that's ruining her life. What does she think the outcome would be by going to a doctor? That's the hurdle you'll have to overcome.
You may have to manipulate your mom, twist her arm to make her do it, but it must be done.
Untreated anxiety, depression and pain will cause people to have warped ideas about what they can expect from seeking medical attention. If her mother was institutionalized, she may fear that she too will be. I'd rather stay home under those circumstances too.
Good luck.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:15 AM on August 9, 2012 [4 favorites]
Something else that might help: could you (or they, or split the costs with them) afford a weekly maid service, just to clean the house and perhaps do their laundry? That alone might give them an emotional boost and help with the general depression, which in turn would help them cope with all the other stuff in their lives.
As for your grandmother: I'm sorry, but just because your grandmother IS your grandmother does not require your mother to do anything about her.... if they had no real relationship (or for that matter, a lousy relationship) all those years, then just because they're getting old does NOT mean that they've got to suddenly be some sort of traditional, loving mother & daughter. It sounds cold, but I think your mother needs to focus on your father and herself.
posted by easily confused at 8:01 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
As for your grandmother: I'm sorry, but just because your grandmother IS your grandmother does not require your mother to do anything about her.... if they had no real relationship (or for that matter, a lousy relationship) all those years, then just because they're getting old does NOT mean that they've got to suddenly be some sort of traditional, loving mother & daughter. It sounds cold, but I think your mother needs to focus on your father and herself.
posted by easily confused at 8:01 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
What does your Mom want? ask her. She may not be happy, but she is in charge of her life. Tell her you're worried that she seems depressed and could be happier, and that whatever she wants and needs, you'll help her if you can.
If your Dad doesn't want to caretake (enable), then encourage him to get out, walk, go to the coffeeshop in the morning and read the paper/argue about it with the other codgers, mall-walk, take classes, go to the dog races, whatever would make him happy.
2 hours away? You can visit every month or so, with or without kids. Just go be with them, listen to stories, label the family photos, go for a slow walk around the block. Maybe find a cleaner, gardener, handyperson to make sure they're safe and comfortable. Stop in on gran for a visit, too, even if it's just 15 minutes.
In the interim, have the kids make cards, send pictures, news clippings, and notes as often as possible. Your elders are slipping away, and you can provide love and affection, which is a huge gift.
posted by theora55 at 9:42 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
If your Dad doesn't want to caretake (enable), then encourage him to get out, walk, go to the coffeeshop in the morning and read the paper/argue about it with the other codgers, mall-walk, take classes, go to the dog races, whatever would make him happy.
2 hours away? You can visit every month or so, with or without kids. Just go be with them, listen to stories, label the family photos, go for a slow walk around the block. Maybe find a cleaner, gardener, handyperson to make sure they're safe and comfortable. Stop in on gran for a visit, too, even if it's just 15 minutes.
In the interim, have the kids make cards, send pictures, news clippings, and notes as often as possible. Your elders are slipping away, and you can provide love and affection, which is a huge gift.
posted by theora55 at 9:42 AM on August 9, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your mom may feel useless, unneeded. Is it possible to find an interest for her? Is there a bridge, bunco, bingo, group she can join? Would she volunteer to go hold preemies in a nearby hospital, be the granny who reads to kids in elementary school? Does she belong to a church that has a women's group taking on 'helping those less fortunate'? Does she have a friend who would take her along to some activity?
Your mom is much too young to give up, especially since she may live into her 90s like her mom. She probably does not want to be a burden, but she is, or will be because of her drifting aimlessly. She would benefit from getting out of the house, out of her comfy rut.
It would be wonderful if you could get her treated for depression, but that seems unlikely. She does not seem to see interacting with your dad and his needs. Strange, but possibly part of her depression.
posted by Cranberry at 12:31 PM on August 9, 2012
Your mom is much too young to give up, especially since she may live into her 90s like her mom. She probably does not want to be a burden, but she is, or will be because of her drifting aimlessly. She would benefit from getting out of the house, out of her comfy rut.
It would be wonderful if you could get her treated for depression, but that seems unlikely. She does not seem to see interacting with your dad and his needs. Strange, but possibly part of her depression.
posted by Cranberry at 12:31 PM on August 9, 2012
If her mother was institutionalized, she may fear that she too will be. I'd rather stay home under those circumstances too.
You know what, I never made that connection! It does make a lot of sense. The whole thing with her mum is pretty dysfunctional, seemingly. She was a brilliant mum to me, quite different from how she describes my grandmother, and I do wonder if things are suddenly overtaking her.
Oh god, I missed that comment. SO TRUE. I was forcibly institutionalized as a pre-teen for a couple of years, and avoided doctors like the plague for over a decade in consequence for fear that they'd see my inner crazy person and lock me up again.
Absolutely reassure her on this point. Agree to go with her and bring her back again, whatever it takes to make her comfortable with the idea and ease her fear.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:57 PM on August 9, 2012
You know what, I never made that connection! It does make a lot of sense. The whole thing with her mum is pretty dysfunctional, seemingly. She was a brilliant mum to me, quite different from how she describes my grandmother, and I do wonder if things are suddenly overtaking her.
Oh god, I missed that comment. SO TRUE. I was forcibly institutionalized as a pre-teen for a couple of years, and avoided doctors like the plague for over a decade in consequence for fear that they'd see my inner crazy person and lock me up again.
Absolutely reassure her on this point. Agree to go with her and bring her back again, whatever it takes to make her comfortable with the idea and ease her fear.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:57 PM on August 9, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
It actually sounds like getting out and interacting with her mother would be a good thing, as compared to staying in the house constantly.
Does your mother go to any regularly scheduled (annual) doctor appointments?
(sorry it's short - got to get to work)
posted by aimedwander at 5:19 AM on August 9, 2012