How do I answer their questions about God?
August 8, 2012 5:03 AM   Subscribe

I agreed many years ago with my wife that our children would be raised Christian. I am not Christian, nor have I ever been. I was raised as a Unitarian Universalist and am now an agnostic and secular person. How should I respond to religious questions that my kids ask me? I don't want to go back on our agreement, but I also need to be true to myself and don't want to lie to the kids.

Sometimes the kids will just tell me something, and I can respond by saying something like, "Oh, is that what you learned in Sunday School?" However, I'm starting to get questions. After the boy learned about Noah and the story of the flood, I was asked why God made a big flood. I remember freezing up and can't recall what I said, but that's the sort of thing I'm starting to get. As they get older, I imagine they'll have more questions.

(Please don't bother telling me that I'm harming the children by having them raised as Christians. I've given this a great deal of consideration. Although I don't share its beliefs, I like and trust the church in which they are being raised. It is a very loving, accepting, and intellectual congregation.)
posted by Area Man to Religion & Philosophy (48 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm starting to go through the same thing here, I'll be very interested in seeing how others are doing it. So I've responded with things like "Yes, it does seem impossible that God goes to every church every Sunday doesn't it" and "No, that makes no sense does it?" It's tought trying to not make the wife angry and yet not feel like I'm lying to the kids.
posted by Blake at 5:06 AM on August 8, 2012


Can you get away with 'I don't know, but that's a very good question for X!' (X = Sunday school teacher/your wife/someone who would be excited to discuss it.)
posted by Trivia Newton John at 5:07 AM on August 8, 2012 [12 favorites]


"Ask your Mom".
posted by VikingSword at 5:13 AM on August 8, 2012 [18 favorites]


I think that answers like Trivia Newton John's are preferable to answers like Blake's. The former are very neutral and respectful and the latter are less so.

Answers that are deferential to the people who are actively involved in their religious instruction are going to be the answers that produce the least friction.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:15 AM on August 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Well, what do you think?"

It's golden. It puts the question back onto them and gets them to think critically.

In the meantime, even an agnostic can learn a lot about the world by learning about Christianity. For you, you can look on it as a study in world myths and customs.
posted by inturnaround at 5:16 AM on August 8, 2012 [32 favorites]


"I'm not sure, ask your mom," is the best idea. My husband grew up in a similar household; his mother took the kids to church and his dad stayed home. Other than being resentful that he had to get dressed up and waste two hours of a perfectly good weekend morning while his dad got to stay home, he never thought twice about it. Dad just didn't do church.
posted by something something at 5:19 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


My sister and I weren't raised with any sort of religion, but my sister decided at a young age to go to church with her friends and has been Christian since. Dad sometimes bullshitted his way through the questions and my Mom simply said "I don't know- ask your teacher"
posted by KogeLiz at 5:20 AM on August 8, 2012


Assuming you know the answer according to their faith just preface you answers with "The Bible says..." or "Christians believe...". If you don't know the answer just say "I don't really know the answer to that but you can ask mom or your teacher." They'll eventually get around to asking why you don't believe these things personally and you can explain how people believe many different things (they'll learn this without you anyway).

Hopefully it's not a branch of Christianity that believes that all non-believers are damned, because I don't know how you might answer "Daddy, how come you want to burn in Hell for all eternity instead of being in Heaven with Mommy and us?"
posted by mikepop at 5:20 AM on August 8, 2012 [27 favorites]


My kiddo goes to a school that has a "Christian-based value system" even though we're not a Christian household, so when the 'Jesus' questions arise, we speak about "they say..." and "the bible says..." which says "Christians believe [variations of] X" without any value judgements.

[on preview, exactly what mikepop said better]
posted by kreestar at 5:23 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Depending on how old the kids are, this might be a good time to introduce the concept of "different beliefs" to them. You might explain that what they're being taught in Sunday school is only one way of looking at the world and interpreting God.

It's all well and good for them to be brought up Christian, but that doesn't mean that they should be ignorant of other points of view, be they agnosticism, atheism, Muslim, Jewish, etc. You probably won't be able to supply a Muslim or Jewish view, but you can sure explain what agnosticism or atheism is.
posted by humpy at 5:24 AM on August 8, 2012 [17 favorites]


"After the boy learned about Noah and the story of the flood, I was asked why God made a big flood."

"Ask your mother."

"Mom's in charge of religious education, I don't really know this stuff."

"What do you think?"

Do your kids know you're agnostic? I think they should. Something like, "I'm agnostic, which means I'm not sure whether or not I believe there's a God. Your mom and I agreed to raise you Christians, for $REASONS, and I think that's really important. I don't really know a lot about Bible stories because that wasn't the way I was brought up, but I'm happy to discuss right and wrong with you." I grew up in a community where a lot of my friends were products of religiously-mixed marriages, and kids knew when they were five years old what their parents each believed (or didn't believe) and what that meant. As long as each parent is respectful of the others, and you explain to the kids why you chose to raise them X (even just "It's really important to your mom, and it wasn't very important to me" or "We wanted you guys to have a strong community and an early foundation in moral education, which we thought you could get from Mom's Church, and which would be much harder for me since I don't have that sort of community" are examples of things I've heard), kids get it and they respect it and they're pretty good at explaining it to others.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:25 AM on August 8, 2012 [27 favorites]


The times this has happened to me I've either said to ask Mum or, if pressed, fallen back on a certain vagueness. "Yes, the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine but no-one can really be sure because it happened a long time ago".
posted by Life at Boulton Wynfevers at 5:26 AM on August 8, 2012


You probably need to renegotiate the terms and/or roles that you're playing in your childrens' spiritual upbringing, and the role you are playing in the church. You like and trust the church and its congregation, so you either need to be more involved, or change the boundaries of what your kids are being taught.

Being raised Christian doesn't mean they can't be informed about other faiths/philosophies, and doesn't mean you should take a hands-off approach. If you don't have answers, it's not weak to say so, and even better, I bet you can add a different perspective that adds to the conversation.

Don't just send them to Mom. Talk with her, and with the kids. The lessons can be timeless, but often require updating/adjustment to perspective to remain relevant. Why is the story of Noah important, what does it mean, what flaws exist in it, etc? It's critical thinking at its finest.
posted by 6 of 1 at 5:29 AM on August 8, 2012 [11 favorites]


Best answer: Humpy's answer is good. Here's the other thing: it might be worth examining what you and your wife mean by "raising them Christian." You can raise kids in a Christian environment with Christian education and Christianity-based values, but absolutely nothing you do - nothing - will guarantee that at the end of their upbringing, they will turn out Christian. They're obviously thinking beings, and they will take in everything presented to them, but will arrive at their own conclusions.Even if you don't talk about your worldview, they will certainly encounter it before very long from other kids, from pop culture, from reading, etc.

I think it would be a disservice to be anything but honest. I like the "What do you think?" idea and the willingness to engage in discussion and questioning. IF they ask "What do you think, dad?" THen I think you should be honest about what you think. You and your wife have different beliefs and you can acknowledge that.

It just might be time to have a discussion about what "raising Christian" means. You just can't control someone else's beliefs as they developed - minds are independent. If your wife is asking you to suppress your own beliefs - basically, lie by omission or commission - that might be something you continue to find problematic, and I think you need to agree on a way to deal with it. Meanwhile, what's her/your plan to deal with the kids' doubts as they naturally arise? Because the questions will continue, and when they reach the age of abstract thinking, they're going to get a lot more complicated, ethically and metaphysically.

In short, I think it's fair to agree to raise your children in a Christian environment and to agree not to actively seek to undermine their religious education - but I don't think it's reasonable to ask you to pretend to espouse or support beliefs which you really don't. Your kids will encounter people of many belief systems throughout their lives, and having meaningful and sincere interactions with their dad, who can represent another view well and respectfully, will only make them more understanding and respectful of other views down the road.
posted by Miko at 5:31 AM on August 8, 2012 [13 favorites]


Please ask your partner to help you solve this question. Bring her the suggestions above that you like/find tolerable, and discuss the pros and cons of each.

I vote for some level of 'I don't know, let's look it up.' I lean that way because it teaches kids by example that not knowing is normal and information gathering is also normal. These are good skills, I believe, for people of any or no religious faith.
posted by tulip-socks at 5:38 AM on August 8, 2012 [13 favorites]


Your kids will learn more from you and your wife than they will from Sunday school. You can't lie to them and you shouldn't pass the buck to your wife. If you believe that the Bible is mythology, then tell them. It doesn't lessen Christianity's importance unless you are talking about a certain blind faith in Christianity. At its most fundamental level, the Bible is full of stories that teach people important things. The Flood was about teaching people that if you believe in some major event happening, then you should stick with a plan to confront that event against all odds. Don't tell your child they should start to listen for messages from God about the end of the world.
posted by JJ86 at 5:43 AM on August 8, 2012


What is your agreement with your wife? What does it mean to raise your kids Christian? If you don't have answers to these questions, you need to discuss with your wife. Frankly, even if you have that defined, you should have this askme conversation with her.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:53 AM on August 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I should add, I think it's a bad idea to be anything other than honest with your wife and/or kids about what you believe.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:55 AM on August 8, 2012


I think it's important for kids to learn that adults disagree with each other about important things.
posted by moammargaret at 6:00 AM on August 8, 2012 [13 favorites]


An academic teacher of religion may be, let's say, a Christian in her own religious beliefs, but still answer questions such as "How do the different movements within Judaism understand Kashrut differently?" or "What is the significance of the Hajj?" without compromising her own personal beliefs. Perhaps you can approach it that way.
posted by gauche at 6:02 AM on August 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


Belief in doctrine is much more important in Christianity, especially Protestantism, than in almost any other major religion. I.e., most religions allow you to go through the motions and don't really care what you believe. Maybe you can try to emphasize the ethical aspects of Jesus' teachings rather than the doctrinal.
posted by goethean at 6:09 AM on August 8, 2012


I was raised in a similar (although I suspect less stringent) background, and I didn't know my father was an atheist until I was 12 or so, and that colours my answer:

I think the people who have said, age-dependent, that it's time to start presenting them with alternative viewpoints have it right.

I had no idea about any other religion, and I could not tell you how or why I left the "church" other than my mother was never a dyed-in-the-wool Christian (in the US Evangelical/Hillsong sense).

I wouldn't skip that part of my education for the world, and I won't say you are harming your kids by not sharing alt viewpoints, but I do think that framing the question with "Some believe..." is good for them and its good for you.

If they are old enough to ask, they deserve to know.

(And, I never understood half the Bible. Noah? Sodom? Etc. Never made sense as a kid, and less as an adult. As I recall, my father read me Bible stories and never made me question, so just be a rock for your kids, and remember that whatever agreement you made years ago need not be binding when the kids test the ropes.)
posted by Mezentian at 6:11 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is really a question you should be asking your wife and not us,

But as a kid raised in a household like this, my father's love for books evidenced in his stupidly large library, as well as learning, science, architecture, and science fiction had a bigger effect on me than any answer to those kinds of questions could have. Similarly, the love, understanding, supreme patience, respect for religious introspection and acceptance I got from my mother's church had a bigger effect on me than any of the doctrine I was taught there.
posted by Blasdelb at 6:15 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Even though we stopped going to church when I was pretty young (7 or 8), my mom (and her side of the family) is Christian and my dad is...well, it's unclear. Let's just say he's not.

He never came to church with us, which made my brother and me really jealous (dad gets to stay home and plaaaayyy!), and the only explanation we ever got from my mom was that "dad went to church a lot when he was younger and he says he doesn't want to go anymore." The only time he came with us was the day we got baptized.

When I'd ask him questions, he generally said stuff like, "your teacher said that!? ...What do you think about that?" But otherwise he would NOT talk about religion. At all. Science, yes. Religion, no.

What I really would have liked for him to say was, "I don't go to church with you guys because _________." Or, "I don't believe that, I believe ______." Instead, I grew up feeling alone and bad for not believing in god, was harrassed by my (small southern community) peers for it, and didn't feel like I had anyone on my side (since I obviously couldn't talk to my family about it).

So, having been the kid in this situation, I think you should tell your kids what you believe, but make it clear that they're allowed to believe anything that they want. And that you will always tell them what you honestly believe any time they have a question, making clear that what you believe might be different from what other people believe, and that that's OK.
posted by phunniemee at 6:17 AM on August 8, 2012 [7 favorites]


I would definitely talk with your wife about this and really talk through what she expects from raising your children as Christian and your concerns about being honest with your kids. I would also talk with her about how the questions will change as they age and process through different stages of faith development. A seven year old's questions about God are completely different than a teenagers'.

Also, I would consider asking your parents how they fielded questions from you as a kid. They might have some insight.
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 6:29 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Speaking as a child of an atheist and a catholic, I think you should educate yourself so you can educate your children. My father was careful about the way he phrased things, but he knew all the basics and some of the specifics. This meant that as young adults when someone would proselytize to us, we were able to hold our own and be comfortable about what religion did and did not have to offer.

Although it is frustrating, Christianity is something your children are going to have to interact with throughout their lives, by equipping them with knowledge you will be giving them important cultural capital. What they choose to do with that in their own spiritual lives is beyond your control.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 6:45 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Speaking as a regligious nut, don't give passive aggressive, patronizing, or evasive answers. Be honest but kind. If you don't know or don't remember the answer, turn it into a teaching moment (eg: if they ask why there was a flood, ask them why they think there would be one, and talk about what they could learn from it). You don't have to have a religious belief to pickup on important teaching moments. There's a lot of stuff in the bible that everyone should live by, regardless of belief (being kind to others, helping the less fortunate, etc). An athiest can be a better christian than most christians are, without invoking Deity in any way.

In addition, you don't have to have nice pat answers to everything. Sometimes the answer will be "Many people believe that... blah blah blah", or "I don't know".
posted by blue_beetle at 6:46 AM on August 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


My mom fielded those questions from me by explaining "Christians believe X, Jews believe Y, you can believe whatever you want." My mom was raised Jewish and my dad Christian. I never got a definitive answer out of them, it was always told to me that lots of people believe lots of different things, and that I could think critically and make my own decisions.

I suppose this begs the question, do you want your children to have a Christian education or to grow up to be Christians?
posted by inertia at 6:56 AM on August 8, 2012


After the boy learned about Noah and the story of the flood, I was asked why God made a big flood. I remember freezing up and can't recall what I said, but that's the sort of thing I'm starting to get.
Well, you don't have to be a Christian (or Jewish) to answer questions like that, right? Surely you could just give a paraphrased answer of Genesis 6:5, even if you don't believe in the flood.

I mean, if your son asks you why Gilgamesh killed Humbaba, you don't have to freeze up or give an answer with all sorts of qualifications -- just tell him what the text says.
posted by BurntHombre at 6:57 AM on August 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Let's look it up!" (Wikipedia is pretty great with the biblical stuff.)
posted by Sys Rq at 6:58 AM on August 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


After the boy learned about Noah and the story of the flood, I was asked why God made a big flood.

There's two streams of thought I'm having here...

1) Unfortunately, I think you should really have a cursory understanding of these things - even if you don't believe in it, you need to pick up the broad strokes and ideas behind Christianity, and here's why - Religion can be a Big Deal for some people - and you don't know exactly how big a deal it will become for your kids. I would liken the analogy to your child being getting really enthusiastic about a sport you knew nothing - say, baseball. As he practices for hours each week, and goes and plays against other teams, it's really nice for him to know that his dad "gets" the game. You need to make the effort to understand the world your kid lives in - complete disinterest of the game itself is equivalent to rejecting a big part of his life.

2) The good news is, you don't have to know very much to let your child know that you are on-board with his interests and questions. I feel like you're being overly concerned about the accuracy or "truth" of your answer. There is no absolute accuracy to be claimed here, I think, unless God himself were to come down and tell you how exactly it was meant to be read. Look, the Bible is some long translated document from ancient history, and the events described within happened in a different culture, written in a different language.

The attitude is more important than the answers. Even in the worst case - your kid surprises you with some Bible story you've never heard of before - you can just go "Well, let's see what the Bible says." Open it up to the passage, read it together, ask him what he thinks the answer is, and try to figure out what his question really is.

His question is unlikely to be what he literally asked. If he's heard the story of Noah, the reason is right there - summed up, people did bad things, God destroyed them. The question he's really asking - and he might not be able to verbalize it - is going to be along the lines of, maybe - (1)"If I'm a bad person, will there be a flood some day?" or (2)"Why a flood and not a fire?" or (3)"Why couldn't God have forgiven them instead."

Some of the questions are straightforward - (1) for example you can answer straight from the text, it says right there that God will never do this again. (2) and (3) well, I can tell you that many Christian parents wouldn't be able to supply a 100% confident answer either, so you're not any worse off than them - you can ask them what they think, you can say what you think, and tell them they can ask their Sunday School teacher next time. Even if you want to take a stab at answering them, it wouldn't be too hard (or I may be overestimating your cursory knowledge) for (2) something like "But fire would have burned the Ark too" and for (3) the real answer is something a lot more nuanced than a kid his age would be expected to understand, so even if you said "things were different then, something like that couldn't happen now, something something Jesus" it would be a perfectly acceptable answer.
posted by xdvesper at 7:02 AM on August 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


A response from a holy roller married to a non-holy roller: This is a discussion to have with your wife because she is the one with whom you made the agreement.

The responses you give your children will differ based upon their ages. An answer that would be appropriate for a 15-year-old may not be for a six-year-old. However, I take from your question that your children are rather young and at an impressionable age. You would need to be very careful that your responses do not undermine your agreement. I would defer to your wife.

And, this is frankly a good opportunity for you to learn the theology yourself, so you could answer as BurntHombre suggested. My wife is not Christian but she is very interested in learning the faith and I have overheard her instructing our children. It makes me very happy.

The last (and most important) thing to keep in mind is that God has many children but no grandchildren. The meaning is that a relationship with God require personal commitment and perseverance; it cannot be inherited like blue eyes. Assuming the intent of raising the children "Christian" was that they grow up to be Christians, the mission will be to show the children that this is worthwhile.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:04 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Lots of good answers here. This may be helpful as well.

I call myself an "agnostic christian." This basically means I can take meaning from the teachings of Christ and the bible, without necessarily believing in the supernatural or that the stories of the bible are literally true. You can focus on the bigger meaning of the stories rather than the details; in other words: what is the writer trying to tell us?

Now, it may be something contrary to your (or my) actual beliefs. For example, the flood story's big picture might be that God punishes evil and rewards faithfulness. If you're comfortable relaying the writer's intention, that's fine. But you can also frame it a different way: there are consequences and rewards in life depending on your behavior. Or that perseverance in achieving your goals is a good thing. (Noah built his ark even when everyone else thought he was nuts.)

No one believes that Aesop's Fables are literally true, yet they are treasured for the lessons they teach.

One of the best descritptions of the bible I have ever heard was in John Romer's documentary series Testament, which explored archaeology and the bible. I'm paraphrasing, but he said that the bible is not a history book, but is rather a book of the history of faith.

You can certainly take an anthropological stance without compromising yourself or lying to your children.
posted by The Deej at 7:04 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would be honest with them about what you believe.

My husband and his siblings were brought up Catholic, but his dad never went to church with them. One day, when he was about six, his dad pulled him aside and asked him if he was telling people his father was Jewish. DH said yes, of course. Wasn't he Jewish, since he didn't go to church?

Anyway, the fact that your children are being raised one way doesn't prevent them from knowing what their other parent believes.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:05 AM on August 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


As Miko suggests, please engage them rather than deflecting the question.

I don't know how common my situation is, but my mom was a practicing Catholic and my dad a nonpracticing protestant, possibly agnostic. They agreed to raise my brother and me Catholic. As far as I've been able to make out, the main reason for this wasn't because my mom was a true believer, but because they wanted to keep Mom's extended family happy; I was put into Catholic school primarily to keep a promise. Since neither parent was all that engaged with the church, neither of them would ever engage me on questions like the ones you're asking about. It was maddening.
posted by jon1270 at 7:09 AM on August 8, 2012


Response by poster: Thanks to everyone suggesting that I discuss this with my wife. I plan to, but hoped to clarify my own a bit first. I have a some conflciting impulses here, and your answers are helping me think about them. I want to be honest with the kids about who I am and what I believe, don't want to be passive agressive, want to be true to an agreement that is important to my wife, and didn't like my own religious education.

Don't worry, my wife and I both understand that no one can guarantee that the kids turn out Christian. My wife's personal understanding of hell and salvation, which might seem a little loosey-goosey to the holy rollers, makes her less worried about the prospect of the kids ultimately believing differently than her than might be the case for a different sort of Christian.
posted by Area Man at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2012


You can talk with your kids about Christian beliefs where you know them, and say you don't know where you don't.

But you should also be open to answering from other perspectives, including your own, when your kids are interested. I mean, I imagine a big part of your freeze up is that you don't want to sabotage the Christian upbringing. But your kids are going to want to know you, and you are their parent, so it seems healthy to be open about who you are and to trust that being yourself is ok.

I mean, if your son asks you why Gilgamesh killed Humbaba ...

Dude, spoiler alert!

posted by zippy at 8:35 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just want to second or third the suggestion to please be honest when they ask you about your beliefs. My parents made the same pact you and your wife did: my mom was going to raise us kids Catholic, and my dad agreed to stay out of it. But they never told me that. So when I was four or five years old, I asked my dad point-blank, do you believe in God? And the sonofabitch didn't answer! He just froze up and stared at me. And that was the very last question I ever asked my parents about religion, because his non-response frightened me. And because I was afraid to talk about religion after that, neither of my parents ever knew that I basically became an atheist at that moment-- it was a secret I kept until I was an adult. But not only that. My dad's silence taught me that I wasn't supposed to know he didn't believe in God. And because he was frightened to be found out, that meant I had to be frightened of it, too. I had to pretend I didn't know the truth, had to protect his secret by avoiding questions or conversations that might reveal it, had to keep my own beliefs secret as well. This meant being afraid to discuss religion with classmates, teachers, grandparents. Does your family go to church? Everyone but dad? Why doesn't your dad go? Just like my dad froze up with me, I had to freeze up, too, because my parents never taught me that it was safe to reveal the truth. I'm still quite angry about this.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 8:43 AM on August 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


I answered my nieces and nephews (Christian mother) questions with well your Mum/Christians believe XYZ, but did you know Jewish people believe ABC and I read somewhere that Hindu people think MNO on the subject. What do you think?

Share what you know, if you don't know maybe go with them and ask your wife or look it up together, if nothing else you will encourage them to keep asking you questions about difficult subjects.
posted by wwax at 9:03 AM on August 8, 2012


"After the boy learned about Noah and the story of the flood, I was asked why God made a big flood. I remember freezing up and can't recall what I said, but that's the sort of thing I'm starting to get."

My thought is that this can best be answered with a response that begins "Some people think...", since even among believers there is not just One Right Answer to many of these questions. If you are Catholic, you can also mention "The Church says" without necessarily indicating agreement with what it says.
posted by yclipse at 9:20 AM on August 8, 2012


The thing is, if both you and your wife are the thoughtful people you seem to be, then the actual points on which you disagree should be waaay past what's accessible to a six-year-old. You absolutely don't have to endorse the reasoning all the way up the chain to understand the fundamentals of Christianity as a self-consistent, reasonable belief system to which lots of intelligent people have subscribed, and one that offers perfectly sensible answers to any questions your kid is capable of asking at this stage.

To put things in perspective, I'm not Jewish, but I could absolutely learn enough about Judaism to be able to coherently explain to a small child the basics of why Jews believe X and what Y means in that tradition. Likewise, I'm not a Marxist, but if I'd married one, I hope I'd know enough about those ideas to explain accurately to a kid the justification for A/B/C of Daddy's principles. We're not talking an extensive disquisition on Manicheanism and the problem of evil, here. The kid just needs to hear, "Well, God thought that various parts of the world were going wrong, so he decided to save the good people and send a flood to clean everything up so we could start fresh." Or "Well, the idea is that the story is a symbol of how even if you've behaved badly, you can always begin over again and try to be good." Or whatever the preferred interpretation is in your wife's denomination.

If you're comfortable enough with your wife's Christianity to raise your child in the faith, then attempting to do justice to the fundamentals of Christian belief on this very elementary level isn't lying about your own convictions; it's a mark of respect for your wife's intelligence and your own. And when the child gets old enough to start encountering the (I hope, subtler and higher-level) issues that led you to find belief untenable, I've got to think that whatever decisions he makes will only be enriched by his possessing as accurate an understanding as possible of both sides of the coin.
posted by yersinia at 9:23 AM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think that you and your wife may need to reexamine your stance on what kind of belief systems your kids are allowed to be exposed to. Surely as someone who was raised UU you understand that it is possible for a person to follow a particular religious doctrine while being aware of others, having a nuanced understanding of other points of view, and being tolerant and accepting of the breadth and variety of the human religious experience. To me this is one of the most valuable lessons that I got during my own UU upbringing, and I would suggest that maybe you and your wife ought to consider the possibility of opening up your kids' view of religion somewhat while still raising them within the Christian tradition.

At some point it's going to have to be OK for your kids to realize that their Dad doesn't believe in Christianity, right? They're going to encounter lots of people in their life who believe different things from them, and presumably you'd like them to be OK with that, yes? Being Christian doesn't mean that you have to be blinded to all of the other viewpoints out there, or that you have to reject their validity. It also doesn't mean that you have to espouse a literal interpretation of the Flood, for that matter -- even within the umbrella of Christianity there is a tremendous amount of variation from denomination to denomination and even from church to church within denominations.

Perhaps you and your wife can agree on an evolution of your previous policy wherein your children are still raised Christian and you still attend church with them (if you are doing so now) and perform all the other rituals that are important to your wife, but where you also perform the role of facilitating your children's understanding of the diversity of belief and the importance of understanding and accepting the beliefs of others and of teaching your children to hold onto beliefs that are important to them and use them in a healthy way without feeling threatened by those who believe differently from them.
posted by Scientist at 9:25 AM on August 8, 2012


If they're "an intellectual congregation," surely they don't believe that the Flood is historical? Can't you just explain that it's a story?
posted by callmejay at 12:42 PM on August 8, 2012


If this is a liberal congregation - which it sounds like it is from your description of it and your wife's beliefs, you and your wife/the church may likely believe the same thing - that the story of Noah's flood is a story, and just that. I'm Christian and attend church weekly, but I do not for a second believe that the flood is literally true (and I would place bets that no one else in my church does either). So this might be something to clarify with your wife - you may not be as much on different pages as you might think! To be honest, I'm not really even sure WHAT message the story of the flood imparts for those who don't believe in fire and brimstone, and honestly - that doesn't make me any less Christian. I focus on the New Testament, specifically the teachings of Jesus, and don't spend a lot of time stressing about Leviticus. Your wife/Sunday school teachers may have a better sense of a good message to take away from this story, but in any case, I would keep in mind that most mainstream (non-evangelical/fundamentalist) churches do not believe that God literally destroyed all life on earth except 2 of each animal, any more than you do.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:39 PM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Non-judgementally say "well some people believe this and some people believe that". Your kids will know what you mean.
posted by w0mbat at 5:47 PM on August 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


A cursory level of comfort with the stories means that you can talk about what the stories mean, rather than how they "work," so to speak.

Seconding to put it back on them, do some active listening, encourage them to ponder their own theories. If they ask you to verify their theory, you can say something like "I don't know, and your mom might be a better person to ask, but I like the way you thought about whether the animals were scared, wondered how Noah figured out how big of a boat to build, etc."
posted by desuetude at 6:27 PM on August 8, 2012


I have always answered these questions the way my parents did, which I respected and valued at the time: "Well, I believe in XXXXX , your grandmother/Christians/other people believe YYYYYY, and your Sunday School teacher might have a different opinion which is ZZZZZ, you should ask them about it if you're interested in in it." Sometimes this was extended to, "I believe in XXXXX because AAAAA, but other people believe in YYYYY because of BBBBB."

My parents' very fact-based (fact in the sense of this what people believe, and why, ie not dogmatic either for or against) approach, which highlighted that different beliefs were widespread and in some senses all valid and historically/culturally produced was of great value to me. I'm an atheist, but my atheist parents let me explore my nascent spirituality as a child with a tolerant, flexible and open eye. This lead to dalliances with various brands of Christianity, Ba'Hai etc. In the end, I chose a different path, but there was a never a sense from them that one was wrong or right, and if I had chosen to pursue religious belief they would have been supportive and informative.
posted by smoke at 6:45 PM on August 8, 2012


To be honest, I'm not really even sure WHAT message the story of the flood imparts for those who don't believe in fire and brimstone, and honestly - that doesn't make me any less Christian.

The message the story imparts is that the Ark is a prefiguration of the apostolic church. That is why, for example, the part of the church building where the congregation assembles is called the "nave". The root is from the Latin "navis" and before that, the Greek "naus" meaning "ship". The same root as for "navy" and "navigation". (in case you were wondering, I do not believe in a global flood)

You may wish to reconsider your decision not to pay much attention to the Old Testament, as it really only makes sense when read in light of the New Testament. The OT is not "fire and brimstone", which would be the incorrect Marcionite belief.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:14 AM on August 9, 2012


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