How do I tell a new family member to back off?
June 15, 2012 5:32 AM Subscribe
How do I tell a newly found family member to back off w/out hurting their feelings?
I discovered 20 years ago that I was adopted and have an older 1/2 brother. He lives in a different state. I only literally met him three times (one being the most recent). We mostly communicated on and off via email and now FB.
He's had a hard life, bouncing through foster care, etc. I also once saw that he was on "don't date him girl" where the woman totally slammed him about "emotionally damaged, selfish, b.s". Whatever.
Since his visit however, he's been overboard. He calls me sis since day one (I grew up as an only child and am not used to that), calls me all the time on my cell, at work, at home, writes all over my FB, too much touching for my taste (constant hugs, laying on me when I'm on the couch; I don't even dig that from my husband), and asked me to do his laundry for him.
He's nice and all but honestly, I like my life the way it is. I'm not saying I want to shun him but my comfort level of contact is occasional call and mostly communicating through FB. I have my life and he has his. In a sentence--he tries wayyyy too hard and it's annoying. I get he's been through hell and wants a sense of family but honestly, it's too much, too fast. I just essentially met the guy where I'm just not comfortable living life as if we grew up best friends.
How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings? He's received TONS of rejection in life but honestly, I don't feel like being his counselor/codependent support system. I had my own trials and tribulations, most recently the passing of my mom who raised me and I just don't need to be that person the "damaged" clings to. My mom did it to me, now him. I like my new sense of emotional freedom and living life for me and my family. He's now talking about moving to my state.
I discovered 20 years ago that I was adopted and have an older 1/2 brother. He lives in a different state. I only literally met him three times (one being the most recent). We mostly communicated on and off via email and now FB.
He's had a hard life, bouncing through foster care, etc. I also once saw that he was on "don't date him girl" where the woman totally slammed him about "emotionally damaged, selfish, b.s". Whatever.
Since his visit however, he's been overboard. He calls me sis since day one (I grew up as an only child and am not used to that), calls me all the time on my cell, at work, at home, writes all over my FB, too much touching for my taste (constant hugs, laying on me when I'm on the couch; I don't even dig that from my husband), and asked me to do his laundry for him.
He's nice and all but honestly, I like my life the way it is. I'm not saying I want to shun him but my comfort level of contact is occasional call and mostly communicating through FB. I have my life and he has his. In a sentence--he tries wayyyy too hard and it's annoying. I get he's been through hell and wants a sense of family but honestly, it's too much, too fast. I just essentially met the guy where I'm just not comfortable living life as if we grew up best friends.
How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings? He's received TONS of rejection in life but honestly, I don't feel like being his counselor/codependent support system. I had my own trials and tribulations, most recently the passing of my mom who raised me and I just don't need to be that person the "damaged" clings to. My mom did it to me, now him. I like my new sense of emotional freedom and living life for me and my family. He's now talking about moving to my state.
You don't.
I mean, you want to reject him without him feeling rejected. This can't be done. The best you can do is do it with some modicum of grace. You state that you like him being in your life, but that he's gotten too close, too fast and that's too much for you right now. You absolutely have to set boundaries or else he will move to be closer to his "family".
Remember that you're not responsible for his shitty life. He may have been dealt a raw deal, but he's an adult now and he needs to realize that you're not his dumping ground.
No visits for a long while either.
posted by inturnaround at 5:42 AM on June 15, 2012
I mean, you want to reject him without him feeling rejected. This can't be done. The best you can do is do it with some modicum of grace. You state that you like him being in your life, but that he's gotten too close, too fast and that's too much for you right now. You absolutely have to set boundaries or else he will move to be closer to his "family".
Remember that you're not responsible for his shitty life. He may have been dealt a raw deal, but he's an adult now and he needs to realize that you're not his dumping ground.
No visits for a long while either.
posted by inturnaround at 5:42 AM on June 15, 2012
You've already let this guy cross some boundaries that it will be impossible to push him back across without hurt feelings. You do it in a way your heart tells you is kind and true, acknowledge that it hurts, set clear boundaries, and go on with your lives. He'll either get over it and learn to be a part of your life, or not. Good luck.
posted by Infinity_8 at 5:43 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Infinity_8 at 5:43 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't know that there's any particular way you can deliver this message and not hurt your half-brother's feelings. Frankly that's not something you have any control over.
Invite him over for dinner and then have a heart to heart talk with him.
"This is hard for me, because I appreciate how difficult your life has been, but right now, I'd like less contact. I know that you'd like more of a family connection, and I wish I could provide that for you, but given where I am in my life, I don't think I can give you what you need in that regard. I'd like to stay in touch, and perhaps after we get to know each other at a slower pace, things may change, but for right now, I'd like a bit of distance to process our relationship and some other issue I have, that have nothing to do with you."
How he takes this is really none of your business. Once you've delivered the message, you're done.
These things are very hard, I feel for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
Invite him over for dinner and then have a heart to heart talk with him.
"This is hard for me, because I appreciate how difficult your life has been, but right now, I'd like less contact. I know that you'd like more of a family connection, and I wish I could provide that for you, but given where I am in my life, I don't think I can give you what you need in that regard. I'd like to stay in touch, and perhaps after we get to know each other at a slower pace, things may change, but for right now, I'd like a bit of distance to process our relationship and some other issue I have, that have nothing to do with you."
How he takes this is really none of your business. Once you've delivered the message, you're done.
These things are very hard, I feel for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:48 AM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
It is not even on the same scale and I acknowledge that, but someone who was breaking up with me but still wanted to be friends did something really smart that may help you. When I, er, expressed skepticism that he actually did want to stay friends and wasn't just saying that, he responded by making an actual concrete plan to do something with me. He re-iterated that we were platonic, and would be on that future occasion, but him actually putting his money where his mouth was in that moment completely short- circuited my emotional "oh no he's rejecting me" reaction (because....he wasn't, see, we're getting a burger on Friday and then seeing a movie).
Maybe something like that -- instead of asking him to tone it back and that's it, maybe ask him to tone it back but also set up a specific, confirmed, commitment to some kind of regular contact, and then stick with it. You can re-assess after a while if it's not working, or if either of you get caught up in something, but that moment of "see, I'm not rejecting you altogether" may be a good tactic.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:52 AM on June 15, 2012 [12 favorites]
Maybe something like that -- instead of asking him to tone it back and that's it, maybe ask him to tone it back but also set up a specific, confirmed, commitment to some kind of regular contact, and then stick with it. You can re-assess after a while if it's not working, or if either of you get caught up in something, but that moment of "see, I'm not rejecting you altogether" may be a good tactic.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:52 AM on June 15, 2012 [12 favorites]
"How do I tell him to back off without hurting his feelings?"
You can control how kind and compassionate you are in telling him to back off, but you can't control how hurt his feelings will be. Sometimes we have to say things to others that are going to hurt their feelings, and all we can do is be as kind and compassionate as possible. Ruthless Bunny's script is good; use your gentlest tone. It's nice of you to worry about hurting his feelings, but you truly have no control over that; you only have control over you.
(Also don't worry too much about him calling you "sis" -- this seems to be undergoing a weird revival as something adult siblings, close or not, call one another. Like, I'd only ever seen it in books and now I've heard a bunch of people do that in real life, sort of the way you'd say "grandma" -- to express the relationship, not necessarily affection. I think it's super-weird, but suddenly I'm hearing it everywhere. A real sibling-y term of affection would be something like "Fartface." If he starts calling you Fartface, it's crossed the line into too familiar.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:56 AM on June 15, 2012
You can control how kind and compassionate you are in telling him to back off, but you can't control how hurt his feelings will be. Sometimes we have to say things to others that are going to hurt their feelings, and all we can do is be as kind and compassionate as possible. Ruthless Bunny's script is good; use your gentlest tone. It's nice of you to worry about hurting his feelings, but you truly have no control over that; you only have control over you.
(Also don't worry too much about him calling you "sis" -- this seems to be undergoing a weird revival as something adult siblings, close or not, call one another. Like, I'd only ever seen it in books and now I've heard a bunch of people do that in real life, sort of the way you'd say "grandma" -- to express the relationship, not necessarily affection. I think it's super-weird, but suddenly I'm hearing it everywhere. A real sibling-y term of affection would be something like "Fartface." If he starts calling you Fartface, it's crossed the line into too familiar.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:56 AM on June 15, 2012
Response by poster: @Eyebrows..ha. But I will say the sis and the hugging makes me think that he feels that we are some OMG WE'RE BRO AND SIS FOREVER AND EVER.
It almost kind of felt like when you're in high school and you met that ultra clingy person who wanted to date you, you did, and after a day you're like woah but they kept leaving cards, notes on your car, etc. (which honestly, he did on his way home to the airport).
He called me 4 times yesterday including while we were all sleeping.
posted by stormpooper at 6:00 AM on June 15, 2012
It almost kind of felt like when you're in high school and you met that ultra clingy person who wanted to date you, you did, and after a day you're like woah but they kept leaving cards, notes on your car, etc. (which honestly, he did on his way home to the airport).
He called me 4 times yesterday including while we were all sleeping.
posted by stormpooper at 6:00 AM on June 15, 2012
You don't have any obligations to him - he's not your "half brother" : he's the son of one of your biological parents. Your actual parents are the ones who actually raised you.
I think you are getting trapped here in typical female habits - you are so concerned about hurting this person's feelings that you are letting him get away with creepy inappropriate behavior. Do what's right for you, your husband, and any of your actual family members who are still in the picture. On preview - what Eyebrows Mcgee said!
posted by Wylla at 6:02 AM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
I think you are getting trapped here in typical female habits - you are so concerned about hurting this person's feelings that you are letting him get away with creepy inappropriate behavior. Do what's right for you, your husband, and any of your actual family members who are still in the picture. On preview - what Eyebrows Mcgee said!
posted by Wylla at 6:02 AM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: @Wylla. You're absolutely right on all counts. I have a horrible time of setting boundaries at my expense. I just told him we need to back off and explained that I don't even talk/see my best friend often. It's just the way it is with schedules. I told him we just sort of met and I need to slow this down.
I don't think he gets the whole biological vs the raising of us thing. I think he wants a sense of family SO bad that he goes overboard. That's nice and all but 200 pics of me and my family doesn't mean that we are ALL family, hugs, etc. It's weird for me and I have a 3 year old to think about.
If he takes it wrong, you're right, that's his problem. I'm sick and tired of egg shell walking around others overly worrying about their feelings when they don't worry about mine. Thanks everyone for setting things straight and reconfirming I need to set boundaries.
posted by stormpooper at 6:12 AM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't think he gets the whole biological vs the raising of us thing. I think he wants a sense of family SO bad that he goes overboard. That's nice and all but 200 pics of me and my family doesn't mean that we are ALL family, hugs, etc. It's weird for me and I have a 3 year old to think about.
If he takes it wrong, you're right, that's his problem. I'm sick and tired of egg shell walking around others overly worrying about their feelings when they don't worry about mine. Thanks everyone for setting things straight and reconfirming I need to set boundaries.
posted by stormpooper at 6:12 AM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
I agree with most of what has been written above, but I wanted to add that you can lock down facebook for specific people -- there are settings so that ONLY HE cannot see (and thus, write on) your wall, tag you in pictures, etc. Best of luck navigating this difficult situation.
posted by Flamingo at 6:27 AM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Flamingo at 6:27 AM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
the sis and the hugging makes me think that he feels that we are some OMG WE'RE BRO AND SIS FOREVER AND EVER.
I just want to point out... I have a brother, and the way this guy is acting doesn't sound "brotherly" at all. It sounds like he's treating you like a surrogate girlfriend.
posted by wondermouse at 6:51 AM on June 15, 2012 [16 favorites]
I just want to point out... I have a brother, and the way this guy is acting doesn't sound "brotherly" at all. It sounds like he's treating you like a surrogate girlfriend.
posted by wondermouse at 6:51 AM on June 15, 2012 [16 favorites]
I certainly at the very least think you are within your rights to set a ban on calling late at night. Dude woke you all up, and it makes absolute sense even within families where all the siblings have grown up together for one of you to say "look, we all need sleep and stuff, so please nobody call me after X o'clock unless you need bail, were just assaulted, are having a complete breakdown, or your house was eaten by a rabid panda."
Hell, even my mother has said she prefers if I not call her too late except if it's an emergency. She even asked, when my niece was being born, whether I still wanted a call as soon as she was born "even if it's like two in the morning." Even close families are allowed to set "don't wake me up unless it's a dire emergency" boundaries.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:53 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hell, even my mother has said she prefers if I not call her too late except if it's an emergency. She even asked, when my niece was being born, whether I still wanted a call as soon as she was born "even if it's like two in the morning." Even close families are allowed to set "don't wake me up unless it's a dire emergency" boundaries.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:53 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'll take it a little farther and say you don't have to do this in person or even on the phone. You can email to say, "Hey, I'm glad we've reconnected. I want to stay in touch. But to be honest, I have a different communication style than you do and can't keep up with this much! Don't be offended but let's cut back. Why don't we get together in August for dinner with [your support person]. We can firm up the plans closer to that date."
posted by thinkpiece at 7:07 AM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 7:07 AM on June 15, 2012 [3 favorites]
Facebook is a problem and I agree with Flamingo, try to limit him on that level. Facebook really encourages people who want to think you're closer than you are.
It's weird for me and I have a 3 year old to think about.
I also agree with everyone who says his feelings should not be a priority but having young children is the perfect excuse to limit social contact. You're too busy.
You haven't mentioned this at all, so maybe it's irrelevant, but it's really common for long-lost family members to want some kind of financial support; the over-the top familiarity would prick my radar and make me think there may be some request in the near future.
posted by BibiRose at 7:10 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's weird for me and I have a 3 year old to think about.
I also agree with everyone who says his feelings should not be a priority but having young children is the perfect excuse to limit social contact. You're too busy.
You haven't mentioned this at all, so maybe it's irrelevant, but it's really common for long-lost family members to want some kind of financial support; the over-the top familiarity would prick my radar and make me think there may be some request in the near future.
posted by BibiRose at 7:10 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also thought "surrogate girlfriend" right off the bat. He really sounds almost exactly like a guy you met on a date who thinks you're his girlfriend immediately and rapidly wanders into stalker territory. Other than the "sis" bit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:16 AM on June 15, 2012
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:16 AM on June 15, 2012
Well I agree with everyone who says you don't have to feel guilty about laying down the law to this guy. But since you say you're bad at confrontation, feel free to use your kid as your excuse. "Bob, it's wonderful that we've come to know about each other, but I have to tell you that all my energies right now are devoted to my own new role as a parent and I don't have much bandwidth for other relationships. Let's have a monthly Skype date so I we can keep in touch. More than that just won't work for us these days."
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:27 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:27 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Whoa. Wait a minute here.
He lays on you on the couch? He cluster phone calls you? Someone put him on "Girl, Don't Date Him," and you have a three year old in the picture???
Personally, I see red flags in flashing neon, and I think you should get ready.
The person you are describing sounds especially unstable. I think you are at risk.
This isn't a question about social niceties, it seems more like a question for a seasoned mental health professional.
Please be on your guard from now on. With professional assistance you might be able to mitigate future risks.
IANAD, but I think you should speak with one. You're brother isn't just clingy, he has deep deep emotional problems. Right now he's in the "honeymoon" phase of things with you, I'm concerned about how far he'll swing when things sour. He might take it OK, but it sounds likely he'll display lack of boundaries similar to what he's displaying now - just with hurt and anger fueling the crazy, vs. the sunshine and optimism he is feeling now.
Seek professional advice. Be prepared. Stay safe.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 AM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
He lays on you on the couch? He cluster phone calls you? Someone put him on "Girl, Don't Date Him," and you have a three year old in the picture???
Personally, I see red flags in flashing neon, and I think you should get ready.
The person you are describing sounds especially unstable. I think you are at risk.
This isn't a question about social niceties, it seems more like a question for a seasoned mental health professional.
Please be on your guard from now on. With professional assistance you might be able to mitigate future risks.
IANAD, but I think you should speak with one. You're brother isn't just clingy, he has deep deep emotional problems. Right now he's in the "honeymoon" phase of things with you, I'm concerned about how far he'll swing when things sour. He might take it OK, but it sounds likely he'll display lack of boundaries similar to what he's displaying now - just with hurt and anger fueling the crazy, vs. the sunshine and optimism he is feeling now.
Seek professional advice. Be prepared. Stay safe.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 AM on June 15, 2012 [7 favorites]
Yeah, reading this -- I have a brother, a full blood brother whom I grew up in the same house with and whom I am extremely close to, and we don't have as much contact as he's trying to get here. My husband has three sisters, all of whom he grew up with and one of whom he shares both parents with, and all of them IN THE AGGREGATE don't have as much contact as this dude is trying to get from you. Whether his motives are pure or ill, what he's asking for is uncommon and unreasonable.
posted by KathrynT at 9:37 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by KathrynT at 9:37 AM on June 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
You are in a no win situation but you could fight crazy with crazy.
If you are a good actress, you could tell him you are crazy and confide in him that you have longed to be a social hermit and then ask that he respect your crazy decision. Seeing how he is mildly crazy this should make perfect crazy sense to him.
If you are successful, the end result should be him telling acquaintances that you are a crazy social hermit.
At this point, what do you have to lose?
posted by bkeene12 at 9:51 AM on June 15, 2012
If you are a good actress, you could tell him you are crazy and confide in him that you have longed to be a social hermit and then ask that he respect your crazy decision. Seeing how he is mildly crazy this should make perfect crazy sense to him.
If you are successful, the end result should be him telling acquaintances that you are a crazy social hermit.
At this point, what do you have to lose?
posted by bkeene12 at 9:51 AM on June 15, 2012
Ah, you're an only child.
A sibling is someone you are pretty much allowed to be your meanest, bluntest self to, because growing up, a sibling represents direct competition for attention and presents. They are not on your side. They are the enemy. You have to be nice with friends. You don't have to be nice with siblings. Oh, the horrible things I have done to my poor sister. If your half-brother is so eager to claim the position, he's entitled to some rocks in his brownie, so to speak.
Brother lays on you: "GET OFF, BUTTFACE!"
Brother wants you to do laundry: "I'm not touching your gross skid marks."
Brother hugs too much: "You hug too much. Back off, you'll give me cooties. I'll hug you when you leave and that's it."
You need to think "tough love" with this character. You can give him the emotional closeness without being used for money or services or hugs or whatever else. You can bake him a plate of cookies or watch a movie or tell him a stupid joke. But if the kneejerk little voice in your head says "no" or "yuck", you don't have to translate that into nice words for siblings. And don't fall for it when they start pouting. That's how they win.
You are allowed to say to him, "That's not okay, titbreath."
I am the older sibling, so maintaining the pecking order is what I do. Your half brother may be the older sibling, but he's acting like the clingy younger sibling. You gotta take charge or he's going to trample your boundaries for the rest of your lives.
posted by griselda at 12:07 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
A sibling is someone you are pretty much allowed to be your meanest, bluntest self to, because growing up, a sibling represents direct competition for attention and presents. They are not on your side. They are the enemy. You have to be nice with friends. You don't have to be nice with siblings. Oh, the horrible things I have done to my poor sister. If your half-brother is so eager to claim the position, he's entitled to some rocks in his brownie, so to speak.
Brother lays on you: "GET OFF, BUTTFACE!"
Brother wants you to do laundry: "I'm not touching your gross skid marks."
Brother hugs too much: "You hug too much. Back off, you'll give me cooties. I'll hug you when you leave and that's it."
You need to think "tough love" with this character. You can give him the emotional closeness without being used for money or services or hugs or whatever else. You can bake him a plate of cookies or watch a movie or tell him a stupid joke. But if the kneejerk little voice in your head says "no" or "yuck", you don't have to translate that into nice words for siblings. And don't fall for it when they start pouting. That's how they win.
You are allowed to say to him, "That's not okay, titbreath."
I am the older sibling, so maintaining the pecking order is what I do. Your half brother may be the older sibling, but he's acting like the clingy younger sibling. You gotta take charge or he's going to trample your boundaries for the rest of your lives.
posted by griselda at 12:07 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Like jbenben, I am getting a very uncomfortable feeling from this situation. The guy's behavior is unacceptable, and you have the right (and the responsibility for your child) to set and enforce boundaries. It's going to be easier to do this now, especially since he's making noise about moving closer.
Please talk to someone about how best to handle this, whether it's a family member you trust, a mental health professional, or law enforcement. IAAMHP, IANYMHP.
posted by catlet at 2:42 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Please talk to someone about how best to handle this, whether it's a family member you trust, a mental health professional, or law enforcement. IAAMHP, IANYMHP.
posted by catlet at 2:42 PM on June 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
There is a phenomenon known as genetic sexual attraction, in which relatives who meet as adults feel attracted to each other. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genetic_sexual_attraction. I'm not saying that this is definitely what's happening here, but some of the behaviors you describe sound just a little too much. Something to keep in mind.
posted by be11e at 4:41 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by be11e at 4:41 PM on June 15, 2012
The folks saying he's acting like a clinging boyfriend to your surrogate girlfriend? Yeah, this. The multiple phonecalls each day (I'll bet he's also emailing and texting frequently, right?), the laying down on top of you (!), the constant touching.... all in all, I'd call him somewhere between a sexual harrasser and a stalker, not any kind of brother.
Okay, let's take this one chunk at a time. If you haven't already, politely ask him to cut back on the calls, texts, whatever. Don't worry about responding to his contacts immediately: instead, pick one time a day, say 7pm, when you will respond to him --- do NOT answer his calls, return texts, replay to emails or anything else EXCEPT at 7pm. And if you miss a day here and there? Even better. The point is to respond at YOUR convienence, not just drop everything in your own life whenever he reaches out to you. (If this makes him mad, then that's just too bad --- he has to learn that you are NOT at his constant beck & call.)
If you haven't already, tell him "no touching!" Don't smile when you say it, and each time you do, do it firmer and louder. When he tries to lay on top of you (and boy, is THAT a skeevy move!), same thing: shove him off, and firmly and loudly tell him to get off.
I'm sorry he's had a hard life, but that's no excuse to his behavior. And honestly, if he gets offended and feels rejected? He's brought it on himself.
posted by easily confused at 6:20 PM on June 15, 2012
Okay, let's take this one chunk at a time. If you haven't already, politely ask him to cut back on the calls, texts, whatever. Don't worry about responding to his contacts immediately: instead, pick one time a day, say 7pm, when you will respond to him --- do NOT answer his calls, return texts, replay to emails or anything else EXCEPT at 7pm. And if you miss a day here and there? Even better. The point is to respond at YOUR convienence, not just drop everything in your own life whenever he reaches out to you. (If this makes him mad, then that's just too bad --- he has to learn that you are NOT at his constant beck & call.)
If you haven't already, tell him "no touching!" Don't smile when you say it, and each time you do, do it firmer and louder. When he tries to lay on top of you (and boy, is THAT a skeevy move!), same thing: shove him off, and firmly and loudly tell him to get off.
I'm sorry he's had a hard life, but that's no excuse to his behavior. And honestly, if he gets offended and feels rejected? He's brought it on himself.
posted by easily confused at 6:20 PM on June 15, 2012
Response by poster: Laying in me as in I'm sitting and he lays down next to me with head close on my lap. I get up and he says sorry I just want to be as close as possible. Fuck that dude and got up and sat on the floor. I replied and got the whole sorry and you're the only family I got. Not true he has his birth mom and dad who gave him up. Both live close and the dad picked him from the airport. My dh is all ok but be easy on Jim. I told him no he makes me uncomfortable. And now with the visit he's got tons if photos if me and my son.
posted by stormpooper at 7:36 PM on June 15, 2012
posted by stormpooper at 7:36 PM on June 15, 2012
Absolutely set boundaries and be prepared for him to be nutty and/or dangerously stalky. But swinging around from another perspective, it might be helpful to you to set limits (no facebook, no calls, but we'll email weekly and have lunch once a month for example) but not bar all contact because this may be just the reunion honeymoon period, possibly complicated by GSA.
You are a big deal to him - you're his biological sister, which is a much less fraught relationship than his biological parents, and for some adoptees/foster kids, the bloodtie is incredibly important. It sounds like it's not such a big deal to you, but that doesn't make it less emotionally significant to him. And it might mean more to you later on. Or not.
But a lot of adoptee reunion accounts talk about an intense initial emotional period, followed by re-setting boundaries and eventually balancing out to what works. I have four adopted kids from the same birthfamily, and they all want different levels of contact - from wanting to live with them again someday to denying any relationship. But when they meet up - I have a picture of one of my kids looking rigid while being hugged by a relative who never normally hugs but the meeting was so overwhelmed. And then that kid melted and sat down the whole day next to this relative. It was out of daily character for both of them, but reunion can be overwhelming.
Set your boundaries - you and your kid need to be able to deal sanely with things - but his reaction may well be normal and mellow out. You may need to explicitly state what kind of relationship you want, especially as you don't have other sibling relationships to model this on, and it sounds like he doesn't really either. But I don't see so much red flags as reunion overwhelming behaviours.
I am not an adoptee, just the parent of some and friends to some. Other adoptees with reunited siblings would be able to give you much better advice.
posted by viggorlijah at 11:08 PM on June 15, 2012
You are a big deal to him - you're his biological sister, which is a much less fraught relationship than his biological parents, and for some adoptees/foster kids, the bloodtie is incredibly important. It sounds like it's not such a big deal to you, but that doesn't make it less emotionally significant to him. And it might mean more to you later on. Or not.
But a lot of adoptee reunion accounts talk about an intense initial emotional period, followed by re-setting boundaries and eventually balancing out to what works. I have four adopted kids from the same birthfamily, and they all want different levels of contact - from wanting to live with them again someday to denying any relationship. But when they meet up - I have a picture of one of my kids looking rigid while being hugged by a relative who never normally hugs but the meeting was so overwhelmed. And then that kid melted and sat down the whole day next to this relative. It was out of daily character for both of them, but reunion can be overwhelming.
Set your boundaries - you and your kid need to be able to deal sanely with things - but his reaction may well be normal and mellow out. You may need to explicitly state what kind of relationship you want, especially as you don't have other sibling relationships to model this on, and it sounds like he doesn't really either. But I don't see so much red flags as reunion overwhelming behaviours.
I am not an adoptee, just the parent of some and friends to some. Other adoptees with reunited siblings would be able to give you much better advice.
posted by viggorlijah at 11:08 PM on June 15, 2012
Nthing Griselda--you have to take charge. I'd want to add "no touching," and tell him that is not how you treat a sister. Tell him he has to stop pushing for attention and hell, no, you won't do his laundry and he has to back off or you will stop having anything to do with him. You set the rules and make all of them subject to further changes if you are not comfortable with them at any time.
He is making it up as he goes along, trying to be super-brother and get a whole lot of affection and attention and all the stuff he missed in life from the nice lady who is (what a jackpot!) his very own sister! Sisters actually crack the whip on their brothers and get their bluff in early or else the monsters would walk all over them. So, be a sister and set him some stringent rules. Restrict the contact, set physical boundaries as well as social ones and tell him it will teach him how to treat people which obviously he has never learned.
If you feel sorry for him, help him out by telling him the truth about how he needs to behave toward people. A sister might even tell him that he shows up on that "do not date" site because he is notorious for not having any manners. He needs to shape up and, who knows, it might work.
posted by Anitanola at 11:40 PM on June 15, 2012
He is making it up as he goes along, trying to be super-brother and get a whole lot of affection and attention and all the stuff he missed in life from the nice lady who is (what a jackpot!) his very own sister! Sisters actually crack the whip on their brothers and get their bluff in early or else the monsters would walk all over them. So, be a sister and set him some stringent rules. Restrict the contact, set physical boundaries as well as social ones and tell him it will teach him how to treat people which obviously he has never learned.
If you feel sorry for him, help him out by telling him the truth about how he needs to behave toward people. A sister might even tell him that he shows up on that "do not date" site because he is notorious for not having any manners. He needs to shape up and, who knows, it might work.
posted by Anitanola at 11:40 PM on June 15, 2012
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You need to worry less about hurting his feelings and more about protecting your own. Do not make not hurting his feelings the goal here.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:37 AM on June 15, 2012 [6 favorites]