What's his issue?
June 10, 2012 1:54 PM Subscribe
New boyfriend is already irritable towards me?
I have been dating this guy exclusively for two weeks. In the beginning, we would talk on the phone nearly every night and he was quite enthusiastic. We met on a dating site. We loved talking to each other and then met in person, things were still great. He deleted his profile before I even deleted mine. I felt like things were moving in such a positive direction.
I was seeing him 2-3 times a week and staying over. He seemed okay with it. Then, out of nowhere he started being short in text messages, not texting me first anymore, not calling really. So somehow we got on the topic of when we'd see each other again and he says "we'll be together soon enough :)" and so I proceeded to ask him if we were on for the next day, like we had planned since it would be about 4 days since we saw each other and he was like "I'd rather not." He later explained because his roommate had a friend over and that he did not think we would have much privacy. I thought this was a dumb excuse.
Then all the sudden he tells me he doesn't want me staying over because I distract him from getting to work on time (which he has that issue a lot just by himself). He started saying he did not want to text all day because between his mom, sister, and me, that was just too much talking for him. He said he needed his alone time. His sister is like a second girlfriend practically, they're together more than we are... don't know what to make of it but he's received two calls on two separate occasions while I was there from his mom or his sister.
I ended up seeing him on the day originally intended after I told him how I felt and thought that he was being distant already and it was alarming to me this was happening so soon when we have just started actually being boyfriend and girlfriend. I asked him if he was having second thoughts, he said no. I'm not so sure though. He is big into his painting and is a talented artist, so I know he is going to need his alone time for that, but I feel like he has some sort of issues because he has said he will spend lengthy amounts of time isolated from everyone he knows. I have a great time when we are together; smiling, laughing, happy, he's considerate, and he has a lot of the qualities I value in a guy. What is alarming me is this sudden "go away" vibe he's giving me.
I think he's partially afraid that I will consume his "creative time." I don't want to do that, I know that is important to him and personal. Perhaps this is just something I will need to become acquainted with. He, himself, says he goes through high and low periods... What alarmed me the other night was the way he asked me to go home. He was tired and I had heard him say so plus I had to drive home and he had work in the morning. I perhaps got carried away talking and all of the sudden he says "Chelsea, you really need to go home. See, this is the type of thing that gets on my nerves!" I was taken aback at this. He said "my other girlfriend used to stay, and stay... and stay. That bugged me. I wasn't saying you were bugging me." What I pointed out to him was, that if my behavior was reminiscent of her's it did not matter if she did that, too... the fact was it annoyed him both times with the same people and therefore he called me annoying and I felt like I was unwelcome and was shocked he was so irritated ALREADY.
I stormed out of his house and he ran after me, apologizing but I was already annoyed with him because why the hell should I have to put up with that kind of rudeness from him this early on? That was my logic. I wasn't being rude to him, why should he think it's okay to act that way? He repeatedly told me I was "overreacting" but being told I got on his nerves on top of being told not to stay over, not to come over that night, and not to text him "excessively" (which I wasn't, I don't send repeat texts if he doesn't reply, I don't text all day I have a full time job) it was seriously pissing me off, excuse my French. As many have told me on here, "good relationships don't take this much work" or "it shouldn't be this hard, this soon." I am shocked at the change of events and he has made me feel similar to the days of the last serious boyfriend I had who constantly put me on a roller coaster ride and I don't like that feeling! Not one bit... it's a red flag to me.
Yet at the end of the day, we still have a good time together. It's so disheartening... I feel maybe I'm letting my old memories interfere to the point where I am angry about what has previously happened in relation to the similarities now... am I overreacting or is this BS?
I have been dating this guy exclusively for two weeks. In the beginning, we would talk on the phone nearly every night and he was quite enthusiastic. We met on a dating site. We loved talking to each other and then met in person, things were still great. He deleted his profile before I even deleted mine. I felt like things were moving in such a positive direction.
I was seeing him 2-3 times a week and staying over. He seemed okay with it. Then, out of nowhere he started being short in text messages, not texting me first anymore, not calling really. So somehow we got on the topic of when we'd see each other again and he says "we'll be together soon enough :)" and so I proceeded to ask him if we were on for the next day, like we had planned since it would be about 4 days since we saw each other and he was like "I'd rather not." He later explained because his roommate had a friend over and that he did not think we would have much privacy. I thought this was a dumb excuse.
Then all the sudden he tells me he doesn't want me staying over because I distract him from getting to work on time (which he has that issue a lot just by himself). He started saying he did not want to text all day because between his mom, sister, and me, that was just too much talking for him. He said he needed his alone time. His sister is like a second girlfriend practically, they're together more than we are... don't know what to make of it but he's received two calls on two separate occasions while I was there from his mom or his sister.
I ended up seeing him on the day originally intended after I told him how I felt and thought that he was being distant already and it was alarming to me this was happening so soon when we have just started actually being boyfriend and girlfriend. I asked him if he was having second thoughts, he said no. I'm not so sure though. He is big into his painting and is a talented artist, so I know he is going to need his alone time for that, but I feel like he has some sort of issues because he has said he will spend lengthy amounts of time isolated from everyone he knows. I have a great time when we are together; smiling, laughing, happy, he's considerate, and he has a lot of the qualities I value in a guy. What is alarming me is this sudden "go away" vibe he's giving me.
I think he's partially afraid that I will consume his "creative time." I don't want to do that, I know that is important to him and personal. Perhaps this is just something I will need to become acquainted with. He, himself, says he goes through high and low periods... What alarmed me the other night was the way he asked me to go home. He was tired and I had heard him say so plus I had to drive home and he had work in the morning. I perhaps got carried away talking and all of the sudden he says "Chelsea, you really need to go home. See, this is the type of thing that gets on my nerves!" I was taken aback at this. He said "my other girlfriend used to stay, and stay... and stay. That bugged me. I wasn't saying you were bugging me." What I pointed out to him was, that if my behavior was reminiscent of her's it did not matter if she did that, too... the fact was it annoyed him both times with the same people and therefore he called me annoying and I felt like I was unwelcome and was shocked he was so irritated ALREADY.
I stormed out of his house and he ran after me, apologizing but I was already annoyed with him because why the hell should I have to put up with that kind of rudeness from him this early on? That was my logic. I wasn't being rude to him, why should he think it's okay to act that way? He repeatedly told me I was "overreacting" but being told I got on his nerves on top of being told not to stay over, not to come over that night, and not to text him "excessively" (which I wasn't, I don't send repeat texts if he doesn't reply, I don't text all day I have a full time job) it was seriously pissing me off, excuse my French. As many have told me on here, "good relationships don't take this much work" or "it shouldn't be this hard, this soon." I am shocked at the change of events and he has made me feel similar to the days of the last serious boyfriend I had who constantly put me on a roller coaster ride and I don't like that feeling! Not one bit... it's a red flag to me.
Yet at the end of the day, we still have a good time together. It's so disheartening... I feel maybe I'm letting my old memories interfere to the point where I am angry about what has previously happened in relation to the similarities now... am I overreacting or is this BS?
Yet at the end of the day, we still have a good time together.
Are you kidding? At the end of the day, you were so mad you stormed out! How would you classify that as a "good time"? Sounds like the two of you need to take a break from each other. He's asking for space in many ways, so give it to him.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:09 PM on June 10, 2012 [15 favorites]
Are you kidding? At the end of the day, you were so mad you stormed out! How would you classify that as a "good time"? Sounds like the two of you need to take a break from each other. He's asking for space in many ways, so give it to him.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:09 PM on June 10, 2012 [15 favorites]
Some of that is basically reasonable stuff. "I hate texting constantly, lets do something else," or "It's easier for me to get to work on time if you're not in my bed." However, he seems to have a rather bad attitude about it.
Basically, you have two options. Talk to him openly and frankly about what you need and what he needs or DTMFA. Given the early stage of this thing, it will definitely be easier to take the second option.
posted by wierdo at 2:10 PM on June 10, 2012
Basically, you have two options. Talk to him openly and frankly about what you need and what he needs or DTMFA. Given the early stage of this thing, it will definitely be easier to take the second option.
posted by wierdo at 2:10 PM on June 10, 2012
Yes, too much drama. This is the stage of a relationship where everyone's on their best behaviour. It's only going to get worse.
posted by Laura_J at 2:11 PM on June 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Laura_J at 2:11 PM on June 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
You are totally NOT overreacting; this is way too much trouble, way too early in this relationship, and you'd be wise to cut your losses before you waste any more valuable time with someone who is so disrespectful and incompatible with you. There are people who will be so stoked to text and visit and talk to you on the phone -- long after you've been official for a couple weeks. Don't let someone treat you this way. Good luck!
posted by Pomo at 2:11 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Pomo at 2:11 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, your second to last paragraph consists of all of the advice you're likely to get. Don't second-guess yourself so much. It doesn't matter if he's an "artist" or whatever the hell other excuses he will dream up. You're both pissing each other off and his behavior is throwing up red flags for you. Don't continue to waste your time. There are plenty of other guys to have fun with out there.
posted by bleep at 2:12 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 2:12 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've had two relationships start like this - adoring and warm one minute, rude and prickly the next, close and loving one day, cool and distant the next. It was very destabilizing and sad for me and really upped my own weirdness when I get insecure. Unfortunately it didn't really change all that dramatically the whole time I was with these fellows. Memo to self: early patterns in relationships predict later patterns in relationships.
Those relationships made me seriously reconsider my approach to sex...which is now a very tight rule that I don't sleep with anyone without a certain level of emotional intimacy first and a very clear idea that I can trust that the person I'm sleeping with today will be more or less the same person I'll be sleeping with tomorrow. If I don't think I can have sex with someone without going all off kilter myself, I don't.
Old fashioned yes, but very effective in picking boyfriends.
Sorry this is happening. There is really no reason why you should put up with this.
posted by space_cookie at 2:13 PM on June 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Those relationships made me seriously reconsider my approach to sex...which is now a very tight rule that I don't sleep with anyone without a certain level of emotional intimacy first and a very clear idea that I can trust that the person I'm sleeping with today will be more or less the same person I'll be sleeping with tomorrow. If I don't think I can have sex with someone without going all off kilter myself, I don't.
Old fashioned yes, but very effective in picking boyfriends.
Sorry this is happening. There is really no reason why you should put up with this.
posted by space_cookie at 2:13 PM on June 10, 2012 [8 favorites]
Two weeks? You're moving way too fast and freaking him out. He's not ready to totally call it off, probably because you do get along well, but he's repeatedly tried to get some more space and to establish boundaries for how much time he wants to spend with you and how many demands you can make on him. You're trampling all over those limits and demanding more time and attention than he feels he can give you. He's going to stop returning your calls if you continue to totally ignore the limits he's setting.
If you feel his limits are unreasonable and not what you want, that's totally fine. People want different things. Break it off with him and find someone you're more compatible with. Stop trying to make this guy change. And stop agreeing to rules you have no intention of abiding by, that's a recipe for unhappiness.
Also don't badmouth his family, you're known him for a few weeks. It's normal that he is closer to them and spends more time with them.
posted by fshgrl at 2:15 PM on June 10, 2012 [41 favorites]
If you feel his limits are unreasonable and not what you want, that's totally fine. People want different things. Break it off with him and find someone you're more compatible with. Stop trying to make this guy change. And stop agreeing to rules you have no intention of abiding by, that's a recipe for unhappiness.
Also don't badmouth his family, you're known him for a few weeks. It's normal that he is closer to them and spends more time with them.
posted by fshgrl at 2:15 PM on June 10, 2012 [41 favorites]
I would suggest talking this through with him during a more calm interlude, but it does sound to me like this is not the long-term relationship for you. Looking at some of your past history, I get the feeling that you might want to spend more time playing the field before becoming exclusive. There has to be a better match out there for you. Good luck!
posted by blurker at 2:18 PM on June 10, 2012
posted by blurker at 2:18 PM on June 10, 2012
You've been exclusive for just 2 weeks and there is this much trouble already?
He doesn't want you to text him, he doesn't want you to come over, he's annoyed you won't leave, he's hot and cold, he isolates himself....it sounds like he's not that into you, or if he is, he's kind of a jerk. Cut your losses and move on to someone who actually enjoys your company.
posted by Sal and Richard at 2:28 PM on June 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
He doesn't want you to text him, he doesn't want you to come over, he's annoyed you won't leave, he's hot and cold, he isolates himself....it sounds like he's not that into you, or if he is, he's kind of a jerk. Cut your losses and move on to someone who actually enjoys your company.
posted by Sal and Richard at 2:28 PM on June 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm here to second fshgrl.
You've been dating two weeks and (if I'm reading this right) you've already spent 4 - 6 days together? For some people, that's going to seem like a lot of time invested in what is a very, very new relationship. He clearly feels like he needs some space. If you think he's as wonderful as all that, you need to respect his wishes and cool off. Not everyone can go from 0 to 60 so quickly.
posted by fight or flight at 2:33 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
You've been dating two weeks and (if I'm reading this right) you've already spent 4 - 6 days together? For some people, that's going to seem like a lot of time invested in what is a very, very new relationship. He clearly feels like he needs some space. If you think he's as wonderful as all that, you need to respect his wishes and cool off. Not everyone can go from 0 to 60 so quickly.
posted by fight or flight at 2:33 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I say, "throw in the towel". if I were in your position, I'd date several men at the same time and not one. I'd tell each, that, I'm dating, then draw some lines. This will help you decide what you want in a relationship, and who. Date for a period of time with out any commitment, and see what happens. i guarantee, the outcome will be much beter!
posted by brittaincrowe at 2:37 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by brittaincrowe at 2:37 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
He started saying he did not want to text all day because between his mom, sister, and me, that was just too much talking for him.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:44 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:44 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Oh my gosh, also, if he sucks at getting to work on time and can't calmly and reasonably state his boundaries ("I'd love to see you this week but I have a big project, how about Thursday?" &c.), it's because his life is a mess and he enjoys blaming other people for it. He rushed into your relationship because he's needy and then when he realized that his own overindulgence was causing him a trainwreck he started lashing out at you. Dump his mama's-boy ass.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:49 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 2:49 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Hands down best dating advice I ever got.
Just because you see a lot of red flags doesn't mean a parade's coming.
posted by phaedon at 3:01 PM on June 10, 2012 [16 favorites]
Just because you see a lot of red flags doesn't mean a parade's coming.
posted by phaedon at 3:01 PM on June 10, 2012 [16 favorites]
[... ] it's because his life is a mess and he enjoys blaming other people for it. He rushed into your relationship because he's needy and then when he realized that his own overindulgence was causing him a trainwreck he started lashing out at you. Dump his mama's-boy ass.
There's a lot of needless assumptions being made here.
I wasn't going to add to my original comment, but thinking about it a bit more, I'd like to make my point clearer.
OP, he told you that he was tired and that he can't wake up properly when you stay over. You know that he needs time off from seeing you to recharge and work. Instead of giving him that time, you freaked out and stormed out of his house. You've been dating for two weeks. That's hardly any time at all. You barely even know him and already you're making demands on his time and refusing to listen to his (reasonable, adult) needs. I bet if he wrote a post on here about this, he'd be seeing a lot of the exact same answers you're getting -- too much drama, too soon.
So, yes, you overreacted. If I were you and I wanted to hang on to this guy, I would slow the heck down. Take a couple days off from texting him. Go do whatever it is that you do with your time. Let him come back to you, if he wants to. Let him dictate the schedule for a little while. If it's good, if it's worth it, you don't need to rush in to it like this.
posted by fight or flight at 3:14 PM on June 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
There's a lot of needless assumptions being made here.
I wasn't going to add to my original comment, but thinking about it a bit more, I'd like to make my point clearer.
OP, he told you that he was tired and that he can't wake up properly when you stay over. You know that he needs time off from seeing you to recharge and work. Instead of giving him that time, you freaked out and stormed out of his house. You've been dating for two weeks. That's hardly any time at all. You barely even know him and already you're making demands on his time and refusing to listen to his (reasonable, adult) needs. I bet if he wrote a post on here about this, he'd be seeing a lot of the exact same answers you're getting -- too much drama, too soon.
So, yes, you overreacted. If I were you and I wanted to hang on to this guy, I would slow the heck down. Take a couple days off from texting him. Go do whatever it is that you do with your time. Let him come back to you, if he wants to. Let him dictate the schedule for a little while. If it's good, if it's worth it, you don't need to rush in to it like this.
posted by fight or flight at 3:14 PM on June 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
Are you absolutely sure that those texts/calls are actually from his sister? Or are they from his "sister?" Just a thought.
You should not have to put up with this level of drama and irritability two weeks into a new relationship. I would cut my losses and move on.
posted by corey flood at 3:25 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
You should not have to put up with this level of drama and irritability two weeks into a new relationship. I would cut my losses and move on.
posted by corey flood at 3:25 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
It seems like he's trying to express that he needs space, and that's reasonable and healthy. His space needs seem reasonable to me when you've been dating for two weeks. Of course, if you're not compatible in that area, you're not compatible.
But, the fact that he told you that you are irritating is a big red flag. Either he's a jerk, or he's a child who can't express himself calmly, or you guys are very mismatched in terms of your ability to communicate with each other. Whichever of these explanations you choose, it's a problem.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:25 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
But, the fact that he told you that you are irritating is a big red flag. Either he's a jerk, or he's a child who can't express himself calmly, or you guys are very mismatched in terms of your ability to communicate with each other. Whichever of these explanations you choose, it's a problem.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:25 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Seconding Corey Flood. I dated an artist like this and he was tooootally married.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 3:38 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 3:38 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Too much drama, too soon. It won't get better. Cut your losses. Try not to move so fast with the next guy, you are basically talking about moving in with him already and getting jealous of his family(?!) and it's two weeks!
posted by empath at 4:12 PM on June 10, 2012
posted by empath at 4:12 PM on June 10, 2012
Does it even matter what his issue is? New relationships shouldn't be this much work. 2 weeks in and he's being short with you? This shit doesn't get better as you know each other better. He'll eventually lose the rest of his filter and be even more short and discourteous because then he'll know he'll be less likely to lose you.
Slow down. You got exclusive waaay too fast. If you like hanging out with him, hang out with him. But you may want to keep your options open because this guy is already not all about you.
posted by inturnaround at 4:13 PM on June 10, 2012
Slow down. You got exclusive waaay too fast. If you like hanging out with him, hang out with him. But you may want to keep your options open because this guy is already not all about you.
posted by inturnaround at 4:13 PM on June 10, 2012
Oh man, I just skimmed your previous questions. To be honest, nobody should have as much bad luck as you are. You might want to put the brakes on dating for a bit and maybe focus on yourself for a while. This much drama with this many guys one after the other isn't healthy. Take a break from guys and buy a kitten or something. It seems like you keep attaching way to quickly and start making demands and like the rest of your life stops when they aren't around. That is going to freak guys out when they notice it.
posted by empath at 4:18 PM on June 10, 2012 [18 favorites]
posted by empath at 4:18 PM on June 10, 2012 [18 favorites]
Too much drama. In all relationships we do get short with each other, that happens. But this is crazy!
posted by pakora1 at 5:22 PM on June 10, 2012
posted by pakora1 at 5:22 PM on June 10, 2012
He started saying he did not want to text all day because between his mom, sister, and me, that was just too much talking for him. He said he needed his alone time. His sister is like a second girlfriend practically, they're together more than we are...
Sorry honey, but you're the fourth wheel. I'm gonna read a little into this and say you dodged a bullet. Sorry. A good boyfriend wouldn't put you at the end of that list, timewise. I also think you might be overthinking this into GOING STEADY mode a little quickly, but I think his boundaries with his familadies would have been the bigger issue in the long run.
posted by rhizome at 5:53 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sorry honey, but you're the fourth wheel. I'm gonna read a little into this and say you dodged a bullet. Sorry. A good boyfriend wouldn't put you at the end of that list, timewise. I also think you might be overthinking this into GOING STEADY mode a little quickly, but I think his boundaries with his familadies would have been the bigger issue in the long run.
posted by rhizome at 5:53 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't mean to be a jerk here, because I am (maybe also) a huge overthinker, but : I think from the sheer amount of text you've posted here about a two-week relationship, you are way overthinking this.
I think both of you need some space, and there are elements in your story that maybe that he has been kind of a jerk and not straightforward, but you also sound kind of dramatic and demanding for such a new relationship. It is way too early for you to be jealous of how much he talks to his sister. You've been in his life two weeks, she has for years.
You both need to be willing to be honest about the time and space you need if this is going to go anywhere. Maybe he has been a jerk about expressing it, but if he really does need to slow down, are you OK with that?
A really handy trick is to focus on saying "when you say/do x, I feel like this" instead of "you make me feel like this".
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:16 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think both of you need some space, and there are elements in your story that maybe that he has been kind of a jerk and not straightforward, but you also sound kind of dramatic and demanding for such a new relationship. It is way too early for you to be jealous of how much he talks to his sister. You've been in his life two weeks, she has for years.
You both need to be willing to be honest about the time and space you need if this is going to go anywhere. Maybe he has been a jerk about expressing it, but if he really does need to slow down, are you OK with that?
A really handy trick is to focus on saying "when you say/do x, I feel like this" instead of "you make me feel like this".
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:16 PM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
why the hell should I have to put up with that kind of rudeness from him this early on ever?
FTFY.
Seriously, this kind of shit is never okay. It's the symptom of any number of deep-seated issues you would be best to avoid.
Dump his ass.
posted by AV at 6:19 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
FTFY.
Seriously, this kind of shit is never okay. It's the symptom of any number of deep-seated issues you would be best to avoid.
Dump his ass.
posted by AV at 6:19 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yes, I think rhizome summed it up well-- he has boundary issues, both with you and his family. This is going to annoy the fucking shit out of you if you continue dating him.
(Obviously his family is more important to him than you are right now, but why the hell is he even dating if his mom and sister take up so much of his emotional space? There's a difference between "good relationship with mother" and "texts mom so much that girlfriend's texts are unwelcome." If he'd rather not text you so much that should be about you and him, not his mom. I'm honestly starting to believe that "texting with mom" is never a good sign, who on earth needs to be in that much contact with their mom. Routine phone calls, sure.)
posted by stoneandstar at 6:46 PM on June 10, 2012
(Obviously his family is more important to him than you are right now, but why the hell is he even dating if his mom and sister take up so much of his emotional space? There's a difference between "good relationship with mother" and "texts mom so much that girlfriend's texts are unwelcome." If he'd rather not text you so much that should be about you and him, not his mom. I'm honestly starting to believe that "texting with mom" is never a good sign, who on earth needs to be in that much contact with their mom. Routine phone calls, sure.)
posted by stoneandstar at 6:46 PM on June 10, 2012
I agree with most people here...dump him and move on. You deserve better. He is not making you feel good and there is something up with the new exclusivity factor and his asshole-ness.
I also think that he has a lot of control in this relationship; I wonder what he would do if you took back a bit of the control and just cut waaaay down on initiating the contact and were a bit distant yourself. Yes, that is game-playing and I don't recommend it and I honestly don't think he's worth that kind of time, but I do wonder...
Good luck to you!!
posted by retrofitted at 7:27 PM on June 10, 2012
I also think that he has a lot of control in this relationship; I wonder what he would do if you took back a bit of the control and just cut waaaay down on initiating the contact and were a bit distant yourself. Yes, that is game-playing and I don't recommend it and I honestly don't think he's worth that kind of time, but I do wonder...
Good luck to you!!
posted by retrofitted at 7:27 PM on June 10, 2012
stoneandstar, above, NAILED it.
"... if he sucks at getting to work on time and can't calmly and reasonably state his boundaries ("I'd love to see you this week but I have a big project, how about Thursday?" &c.), it's because his life is a mess and he enjoys blaming other people for it. He rushed into your relationship because he's needy and then when he realized that his own overindulgence was causing him a trainwreck he started lashing out at you. Dump his mama's-boy ass.
Emphasis, mine.
posted by jbenben at 7:49 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
"... if he sucks at getting to work on time and can't calmly and reasonably state his boundaries ("I'd love to see you this week but I have a big project, how about Thursday?" &c.), it's because his life is a mess and he enjoys blaming other people for it. He rushed into your relationship because he's needy and then when he realized that his own overindulgence was causing him a trainwreck he started lashing out at you. Dump his mama's-boy ass.
Emphasis, mine.
posted by jbenben at 7:49 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Stoneandstar and jbenben have it. Regardless of whether you are spending too much time together for his tastes or not, this guy is already treating you with weird contempt and making you feel bad about yourself for trying to have a normal, exciting new relationship with him. He isn't even bothering to be courteous or mature about balancing his needs with yours.
If my boyfriend and I were hanging around at his house together, having a fine time, and out of nowhere he blurted out that I needed to go home because I was getting on his nerves, I would be all too happy to go--and never contact him again. I don't think he's worth the game-playing suggested above. Anyone who feels that it is okay to treat you this way is wasting time you could be spending with others who would treat you better--or having fun by yourself.
Avoid this mess like the plague!
posted by anonnymoose at 8:13 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
If my boyfriend and I were hanging around at his house together, having a fine time, and out of nowhere he blurted out that I needed to go home because I was getting on his nerves, I would be all too happy to go--and never contact him again. I don't think he's worth the game-playing suggested above. Anyone who feels that it is okay to treat you this way is wasting time you could be spending with others who would treat you better--or having fun by yourself.
Avoid this mess like the plague!
posted by anonnymoose at 8:13 PM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
In one of your previous questions you said you were aware that you "try to make every guy you date the RIGHT guy".
Most people you meet aren't going to be the right guy for you. Trying to make them the right guy will just make you miserable. Stop doing that.
posted by Sal and Richard at 10:08 PM on June 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Most people you meet aren't going to be the right guy for you. Trying to make them the right guy will just make you miserable. Stop doing that.
posted by Sal and Richard at 10:08 PM on June 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
I feel like he has some sort of issues because he has said he will spend lengthy amounts of time isolated from everyone he knows.
Wait wait. You feel like he has issues because he spends time on his own? You guys are so crazy not suited for each other that you might as well be enemies, and you sound like you're well on the way to that. Break up already, cite lack of compatibility, and stop calling people crazy for not being like yourself.
posted by jacalata at 10:48 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Wait wait. You feel like he has issues because he spends time on his own? You guys are so crazy not suited for each other that you might as well be enemies, and you sound like you're well on the way to that. Break up already, cite lack of compatibility, and stop calling people crazy for not being like yourself.
posted by jacalata at 10:48 PM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I don't understand how there can be already an established pattern of behavior such as:
"I was seeing him 2-3 times a week and staying over. He seemed okay with it. Then, out of nowhere..."
when you "... have been dating this guy exclusively for two weeks. "
Has there been a longer term NON-exclusive period where you established the 2-3 times a week arrangement?
Sounds like you need to chill out a bit really and he is just reacting to your over-zealous contact.
posted by mary8nne at 1:27 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I was seeing him 2-3 times a week and staying over. He seemed okay with it. Then, out of nowhere..."
when you "... have been dating this guy exclusively for two weeks. "
Has there been a longer term NON-exclusive period where you established the 2-3 times a week arrangement?
Sounds like you need to chill out a bit really and he is just reacting to your over-zealous contact.
posted by mary8nne at 1:27 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just to offer an alternate perspective - a couple of people have mentioned that he has issues with boundaries but look what happens when he tried to set them. He tells you he'd rather not meet up the day you'd planned, you guilt him in to doing it anyway and then you overstay your welcome. It sounds like he hinted several times that he wanted you to leave (you said he mentioned he was tired and had to get up for work and that you had to drive home) but you didn't go and then when asks you to leave you have a big drama about it. Granted, he could have been more tactful but he was trying to express his needs and explain what you were doing that was bugging him - ie not anything particular just that you don't go home without being kicked out.
How long were you there before he kicked you out?
Assuming you want to keep seeing him (although it sounds like you're just incompatible), why don't you see him at your place, then he can leave whenever he's had enough.
posted by missmagenta at 2:51 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
How long were you there before he kicked you out?
Assuming you want to keep seeing him (although it sounds like you're just incompatible), why don't you see him at your place, then he can leave whenever he's had enough.
posted by missmagenta at 2:51 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Looking at your previous question history, it sounds like perhaps you invest too much, too soon.
This is not to defend your BFs behavior - it sounds like he's voicing his needs in a very immature way. But that's because he IS immature. Both of you are, what - 19? 20? That's generally not the age where people express themselves in a way that minimizes drama. If my memory serves, it's quite the contrary.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:58 AM on June 11, 2012
This is not to defend your BFs behavior - it sounds like he's voicing his needs in a very immature way. But that's because he IS immature. Both of you are, what - 19? 20? That's generally not the age where people express themselves in a way that minimizes drama. If my memory serves, it's quite the contrary.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:58 AM on June 11, 2012
I had a relationship start like this, too, and it was a disaster. He went from e-mailing all the time to requesting no e-mail to requesting no texting to requesting that I go home after we have sex. Totally not worth it. FWIW, he also said that his ex was always up in his business and he needed his alone time or whatever. That's fine. But I'm not going to deal with that kind of moronic behavior.
We broke up after two months - and by broke up, I mean he pretty much stopped contacting me completely. He then called me six months later and wanted to give things another try. That was great until he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship.
This is way way way too much drama for two weeks in. Cut your losses now and move on.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:13 AM on June 11, 2012
We broke up after two months - and by broke up, I mean he pretty much stopped contacting me completely. He then called me six months later and wanted to give things another try. That was great until he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship.
This is way way way too much drama for two weeks in. Cut your losses now and move on.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:13 AM on June 11, 2012
Response by poster: Well, I do feel like his demands are fairly reasonable and actually, I felt that we rushed things a bit myself but I even asked him about if he felt that way the day after we made things official and he said no! So I didn't get what was going on. I did not try to guilt him into having me over but when he said everything all at once about not texting so much, not seeing each other all the time, I was fine with it, because he did say so in a very affectionate manner. Just the whole "It's not that you are not on my mind..." and things of that sort. Most of the time he's great about explaining himself. He told me he had forgotten what it was like to be in a relationship and had never really had a serious one. Also didn't have much sexual experience at 24. I feel like after he said we weren't rushing things, I could just go on full speed ahead. So it threw me off. I offered many times not to come over because I felt that he did not actually want me over, and that was okay. But he insisted.
I told him just a few days ago "If you would like to see me later on in the week, that's fine, I feel like I'm overwhelming you with this relationship stuff." He said that "It wouldn't be overwhelming me if my life weren't such a mess! I'm sorry, I just have to make sure I get to work on time from now on." I respect that, he's not a monster. He also said he forgot what it was like to juggle everything, but that he adores me.
He told me a story when we were together about when he saw a movie with his sister (who I believe is really his sister, I've almost met her) and the people a row behind them were really noisy. So he told them to be quiet and his sister told him "you could've been nicer when you said that!" So, I think he just happens to be blunt. I feel I have probably donated like 75% to the drama department because I'm just too darn sensitive sometimes. I would like to keep things going with him, and think it may be a case of "moving slow" which is fine. I saw him last night and it was great, we had a good time. He says when I work 2-3 days in a row, that gives him his space so I shouldn't worry. Also, if he ever thinks I'm upset, he will call me to make sure everything is okay, so I know that he cares. I can, and should, respect his boundaries. But if anything goes TERRIBLY wrong, then yeah, I'll have to move on, as in any relationship. God I type so much...
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 8:45 AM on June 11, 2012
I told him just a few days ago "If you would like to see me later on in the week, that's fine, I feel like I'm overwhelming you with this relationship stuff." He said that "It wouldn't be overwhelming me if my life weren't such a mess! I'm sorry, I just have to make sure I get to work on time from now on." I respect that, he's not a monster. He also said he forgot what it was like to juggle everything, but that he adores me.
He told me a story when we were together about when he saw a movie with his sister (who I believe is really his sister, I've almost met her) and the people a row behind them were really noisy. So he told them to be quiet and his sister told him "you could've been nicer when you said that!" So, I think he just happens to be blunt. I feel I have probably donated like 75% to the drama department because I'm just too darn sensitive sometimes. I would like to keep things going with him, and think it may be a case of "moving slow" which is fine. I saw him last night and it was great, we had a good time. He says when I work 2-3 days in a row, that gives him his space so I shouldn't worry. Also, if he ever thinks I'm upset, he will call me to make sure everything is okay, so I know that he cares. I can, and should, respect his boundaries. But if anything goes TERRIBLY wrong, then yeah, I'll have to move on, as in any relationship. God I type so much...
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 8:45 AM on June 11, 2012
I hope this isn't too blunt, but I totally could've written what you just wrote about so many boyfriends of mine in the past. I really do understand the inclination to forgive someone for their behavior when you care about them and you want to be with them, but this situation is obviously not okay with you. He is allowed to want/need what he wants/needs. But so are you. The fact that you asked this question implies to me that you are not okay with the way that things are going, you'd prefer more contact, you'd prefer to spend more time with him, etc.
That is okay. You are not clingy or oversensitive because of this. Nor is he a bad person because he is asking for space. This is what I have learned in multiple relationships that started like this and ended just as quickly. The even bigger and better lesson I've learned is that while neither of you are in the wrong here necessarily, these incompatibilities are not going to get any better and the grown-up thing to do is acknowledge that and move on.
There is a difference between being flexible in a relationship and acknowledging your differences and completely beating back what you want and think and feel so that the other person can have their way. I've had a tendency to do the latter, and I think that might be what you're doing here. It's okay to acknowledge that and move on to someone who can give you what you truly want and need.
posted by anotheraccount at 9:12 AM on June 11, 2012
That is okay. You are not clingy or oversensitive because of this. Nor is he a bad person because he is asking for space. This is what I have learned in multiple relationships that started like this and ended just as quickly. The even bigger and better lesson I've learned is that while neither of you are in the wrong here necessarily, these incompatibilities are not going to get any better and the grown-up thing to do is acknowledge that and move on.
There is a difference between being flexible in a relationship and acknowledging your differences and completely beating back what you want and think and feel so that the other person can have their way. I've had a tendency to do the latter, and I think that might be what you're doing here. It's okay to acknowledge that and move on to someone who can give you what you truly want and need.
posted by anotheraccount at 9:12 AM on June 11, 2012
Eh: on one hand, I think he could ask for what he needs more sensitively, but on the other, I think you have a lot of assumptions. Assumptions often lead to hurt feelings, because they are based on ideas, expectations, and fantasies - not reality.
it was alarming to me this was happening so soon when we have just started actually being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I know this is something that can only be learned in time, but: just announcing that you are bf and gf doesn't actually conjure up a relationship. Yes, you may be making the agreement to not see others, and essentially stating that you like each other enough to see how this goes, but that is the key: you are hanging out to see where this goes. Being exclusive for two weeks doesn't mean you have to merge.
On one hand, your desires are fine and are what you want. Cool. I won't lie: with my partner, we spent A LOT of time together in the beginning. Because we just clicked. And because we wanted to. And because i adored him more than anyone else, like, ever. And because we had the time. And it's been working out so far, though it did take us a year before fully comingling and cohabitating.
On the other hand, the last guy I dated (no hard feelings, he's a great guy, but we just weren't compatible for the long term) came into my life when I was working on The Biggest Project Of my Life. I liked him, but at one point early on, had to be totally honest: for the next two months, if he wanted to see me more than once a week, it was going to have to be on dates to the hardware store, after which he could go read on the couch while I build Big Giant Widgets to launch my career. If he had acted in the way that you had, honestly, I would have ended things. But he was respectful and understood, and those trips to the store were pretty fun, and coming with me meant he was actually being a part of my life, as opposed to imposing himself onto it.
Knowing what you want is good, and it's true that this dude is handling the situation in a way that seems immature. Then again, so does storming out of the house in a dramatic fashion. Remember that the people you date have needs, too, and a relationship label doesn't get to trump that. If it does, then you don't have a real relationship, anyway.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:38 AM on June 11, 2012
it was alarming to me this was happening so soon when we have just started actually being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I know this is something that can only be learned in time, but: just announcing that you are bf and gf doesn't actually conjure up a relationship. Yes, you may be making the agreement to not see others, and essentially stating that you like each other enough to see how this goes, but that is the key: you are hanging out to see where this goes. Being exclusive for two weeks doesn't mean you have to merge.
On one hand, your desires are fine and are what you want. Cool. I won't lie: with my partner, we spent A LOT of time together in the beginning. Because we just clicked. And because we wanted to. And because i adored him more than anyone else, like, ever. And because we had the time. And it's been working out so far, though it did take us a year before fully comingling and cohabitating.
On the other hand, the last guy I dated (no hard feelings, he's a great guy, but we just weren't compatible for the long term) came into my life when I was working on The Biggest Project Of my Life. I liked him, but at one point early on, had to be totally honest: for the next two months, if he wanted to see me more than once a week, it was going to have to be on dates to the hardware store, after which he could go read on the couch while I build Big Giant Widgets to launch my career. If he had acted in the way that you had, honestly, I would have ended things. But he was respectful and understood, and those trips to the store were pretty fun, and coming with me meant he was actually being a part of my life, as opposed to imposing himself onto it.
Knowing what you want is good, and it's true that this dude is handling the situation in a way that seems immature. Then again, so does storming out of the house in a dramatic fashion. Remember that the people you date have needs, too, and a relationship label doesn't get to trump that. If it does, then you don't have a real relationship, anyway.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:38 AM on June 11, 2012
I have a handful of both male and female friends who have active busy lives and struggle to find a relationship where their partner is just as active and accepting of the fact they may only see the other person every few days.
I have a handful of other male and female friends who are more sentimental and desire a partner who will spend most of their free time together, keep in constant contact throughout the day, etc.
I cannot for the life of me stop these two groups of friends from dating each other and having the same results that you are. But whenever you start dating a guy who is more LIKE YOU (ie. more sentimental and emotional, more desiring of just spending time together without an "activity" to rally around) things will click into place. I dont think you found it with this dude.
And seriously, both males and females on both sides of the court, even though alot of the time you find yourself dating your polar opposite. I've sure been there and it ended in a spectacular crash and burn.
Alot of people are responding to say you're rushing things too soon, and while that may be true, I'm sure there's a guy out there for you who will enter a relationship on the same fast-paced schedule. I feel like once you land with someone you're actually compatible with, you'll be amazed how little thinking it requires to maintain... it'll just work.
posted by el_yucateco at 11:23 AM on June 11, 2012
I have a handful of other male and female friends who are more sentimental and desire a partner who will spend most of their free time together, keep in constant contact throughout the day, etc.
I cannot for the life of me stop these two groups of friends from dating each other and having the same results that you are. But whenever you start dating a guy who is more LIKE YOU (ie. more sentimental and emotional, more desiring of just spending time together without an "activity" to rally around) things will click into place. I dont think you found it with this dude.
And seriously, both males and females on both sides of the court, even though alot of the time you find yourself dating your polar opposite. I've sure been there and it ended in a spectacular crash and burn.
Alot of people are responding to say you're rushing things too soon, and while that may be true, I'm sure there's a guy out there for you who will enter a relationship on the same fast-paced schedule. I feel like once you land with someone you're actually compatible with, you'll be amazed how little thinking it requires to maintain... it'll just work.
posted by el_yucateco at 11:23 AM on June 11, 2012
Just looked at your past postings and realized I've read your stories before on here. Honestly I gotta agree with a poster above who suggested to take a break from dating. You get so anxious and have such high expectations for any relationship that each one is almost doomed to fail. I hate to say it, but you seem like a girl who values "a relationship" more than any 1 particular boyfriend, because you keep dating guys who you really don't like and trying to change them into the kind of guy who you do like.
What if instead of spending your time trying to pursue and fix relationships, you spent your time investing in your own hobbies and activities? You mentioned before your Betty Page-esque look... am I far off in assuming you dig coffee shops and indie rock shows? I'd bet if you spent time reading book close to the register in coffee shops, bouncing around at local shows, you'd attract the attention of like-minded male companions who you may actually have some compatibility with, rather than trying to force it with these random dudes.
I'm close to your age, and quite honestly, the people I know in GOOD relationships are those who weren't actively LOOKING for one. The ones DESPERATE for a relationship are the ones who can't figure out why they never seem to work out.
posted by el_yucateco at 11:36 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
What if instead of spending your time trying to pursue and fix relationships, you spent your time investing in your own hobbies and activities? You mentioned before your Betty Page-esque look... am I far off in assuming you dig coffee shops and indie rock shows? I'd bet if you spent time reading book close to the register in coffee shops, bouncing around at local shows, you'd attract the attention of like-minded male companions who you may actually have some compatibility with, rather than trying to force it with these random dudes.
I'm close to your age, and quite honestly, the people I know in GOOD relationships are those who weren't actively LOOKING for one. The ones DESPERATE for a relationship are the ones who can't figure out why they never seem to work out.
posted by el_yucateco at 11:36 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I'll be honest though, it feels like he isn't quite as enthusiastic as he once was... maybe this is all in my head? I told him he could tell me if I just wasn't what he wanted or expected and that if he wanted to just break things off, that he could. He said he didn't want to but I just feel weird... I don't know if it's my own insecurities making me feel this way or not due to his communication style but I get mixed messages when I tell people about this. Some say give him his space, others say it doesn't sound good and like he's just not into me... you guys can be honest,
does he seem like he's not, even though he says he is?
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 7:20 AM on June 12, 2012
does he seem like he's not, even though he says he is?
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 7:20 AM on June 12, 2012
To be honest, I think: I gotta agree with a poster above who suggested to take a break from dating. You get so anxious and have such high expectations for any relationship that each one is almost doomed to fail.
Or: what el_yucateco said.
posted by vivid postcard at 5:01 PM on June 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Or: what el_yucateco said.
posted by vivid postcard at 5:01 PM on June 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 2:05 PM on June 10, 2012 [14 favorites]