Is it normal to feel this way before moving for an ldr?

May 31, 2012 10:18 PM

I move across the country for my boyfriend tomorrow, and I am not feeling very relaxed about it.

Tomorrow at 6am I get on a flight to NYC, where I am moving to be with my long-distance boyfriend of 10 months. I'm feeling weird/guilty/wrong because I'm not sure that my primary emotion right now is excitement.

I love the guy, and I often imagine that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with him. He is amazing in every aspect and my best friend, and I have had some not-so-great boyfriends, so I recognize a great thing and really feel that it is worth holding on to.

On the flip side... we dated for only 2 months before he moved across the country. We have managed to see each other about once every two months since then. We have so far been good problem-solvers, communicate very well, and we do fight sometimes but it doesn't seem to damage our relationship at all. When I arrive, we are going to start apartment-hunting together and find a place to move in. This (kind of) scares me... To go from long-distance to living together seems like a big leap, and although I imagine I will feel more sure when I see him tomorrow, I am feeling pressured to know for sure that this is what I want right now. I expressed that I had some doubts to him (about moving in, not about us) last night and he was, understandably, not very happy. I am 25 and he is 26.

Second, I have no real problem moving. My entire family is here in Seattle, in the area I grew up in, and I have some good friends in the area too. As a city, I prefer NYC, and I have some very good friends there as well. That said, I really cannot imagine moving away from Seattle forever, and this move is starting to feel permanent and scary. It started off for the both of us being more like a "test drive" idea, but I feel it has solidified in both our minds. Even this wouldn't be a problem--like I said, I love him. But, he lived in Seattle for two years immediately post-college, hated it, and has told me he was not happy there until he met me. He has absolutely no desire to ever move back here and says that while he would discuss it, he really really does not want to. I have always come back here all my life, and I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life away from the rest of my family and the place I grew up.

So.. am I a complete fool for moving? I would regret it more if I did not, but today I am just worried that I will eventually have to break up with him over moving to Seattle or that I'll be forced to compromise and live away from the place I really want to be. Has anyone else ever felt like this before they moved at the end of an LDR? It's not only this, but I will be starting a new job in a new industry (and I have to find this job...) when I move. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed. Is this real anxiety, or do I have something real to worry about with this moving thing?

Anyone who felt somewhat similarly before a big move would be helpful :)

posted by queens86 to Human Relations (35 answers total)

I know a lot of people who regret moves they didn't make, and very few people who regret moves they did make, even if it was for reasons that later turned out to be kind of dumb.

My rule of thumb is "never move for a dude", so as much as you can maybe focus on making this move for you, trying out NYC, doing your thing. You don't have to stay there if you don't like it, and at 25 the odds are at best even that you're going to stay with this guy, but it is a good time to make a big move and see what happens.

But moving sucks and almost everyone has that moment when the boxes are about packed and it's just about time to go and they think, "oh god, what I have I done?" Doesn't matter the circumstances - I felt that way making a very wanted move with my husband, because moving fucking blows and makes you what-if every single damn thing.

So, you know, go. The worst that can happen is you move back with some new experiences and life lessons under your belt. That's a far better worst thing that stewing in regret that you didn't try.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:28 PM on May 31, 2012 [19 favorites]

You can always decide to change your situation if it's not working out. Despite how it feels, this is not permanent. If you like New York, I think you should try it out - sure, you might decide at some point in the future that you want to go to Seattle, but you'd be surprised how much things can change - jobs, personalities, families, people - that might either make you change your mind about wanting to move back to Seattle someday, or make him change his mind. All that to say, don't give up on trying this now based on some idea you have about how you or your significant other might feel in the future, because it may or may not come to pass that way.

You might be having trouble understanding why your boyfriend was upset about the moving in together thing depending on the cost issues. I am not sure of the typical rental market in Seattle, but I know that the cost of renting a place in New York is really high and that it makes a lot of financial sense to split costs. Or maybe he's just being a jerk, if he can't understand why you'd be nervous about a huge cross-country move combined with a big life change of moving in with him. Or maybe he's just on edge too because he's nervous about the big move just like you are, and once you have a chance to talk with him further about it in person, he might be totally understanding of you wanting to take things slower.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:40 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wow, we are in very similar positions. My boyfriend and I are slightly younger than you and yours (I'm 24, he's 23), we're also long distance after a very brief time of being close distance in the beginning of the relationship, and have been together for about nine months. (I even live in NYC! Though I'm trying to get the hell out.) I also love my boyfriend but I, too, am very nervous about the prospect of us "closing the distance" this fall because, like you said, going from long distance to living together is a HUGE jump and has definitely made me apprehensive. As a matter of fact, I just had a conversation with a friend about how my boyfriend and I will probably move in together much sooner than we would if we didn't have to move together to close the distance.

But this isn't about me! I don't really have any good advice for you except to say that I will probably be in a similar place at the end of this summer and will most likely be feeling the same...filled with doubt even though you love your boyfriend (as I love mine.) So perhaps it's not all that uncommon?

Feel free to PM me if you want any more details about my own situation. And I'd love to know how your moving-to-NYC adventure turns out!
posted by Emms at 10:42 PM on May 31, 2012

It's hard to say whether your concerns will prove warranted or not, but what I can say is that you're 25, so this is probably going to be fine no matter how it turns out.

Take a few worst-case scenarios. Say you live there with him until you're 28, then decide you need to live in Seattle but he won't move. You can take the amazing experience you got in your new industry in Big Time NYC and parlay that into a good job back into Seattle, and then start looking to meet someone in Seattle. Is this new industry one that also employs people in Seattle?

Or, say you move in with him and in five months, you decide you're not compatible. Well, if you've gotten a job you like by then, you can move out and live in your own place getting great work experience, while hoping to meet an amazing New Yorker who has always wanted to move to Seattle. Or if you haven't gotten a job by then, you can move back and live with your parents while job-hunting in Seattle. That last scenario (neither the relationship nor the job work out) would probably be the roughest on your self-esteem. But you can hardly kick yourself for going after a job in a new industry in NYC at age 25. Whether it works out or not, it's worth a try.

Since life is impossible to predict, what I do in these cases is to make deals with myself about how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work out. Sometimes I say "okay, this might go wrong, but I'll still be glad I gave it a shot." In some cases I have to admit, "if this doesn't work out, I'm going to be totally mad at myself for getting myself into such a pickle" or "...I'm going to be mad at myself because I *knew* it wouldn't work." See if you can pre-forgive yourself for the failure scenarios. Personally I think it's worth a shot, but only you know how you'll feel if it goes wrong.

The vibe I get from your question is that your best guess is that it's worth a try, but you're scared because you can't guarantee it will work. Yeah, you can't, but that doesn't mean you'll have been wrong for going.
posted by salvia at 10:44 PM on May 31, 2012 [7 favorites]

Oh, let's see....

I am from NYC, and live in LA. I HATED Los Angeles for the first 8 years with a passion you could not imagine. I also had a pretty great time here. But it was not HOME!

---

To address Lyn Never's comments from above... I moved to LA for a dude, but also because of that thing that happened in Downtown Manhattan just over ten years ago where I used to live, and I super needed to get away from that moment.

Anyway, she's right - never move JUST for a dude.

That said --- You're moving to NYC!!!!! IT IS AWESOME.
----

No move is a "bad" move, because every place you live informs your experience.

You will experience culture shock in NYC like a "punch in the face." I promise you.

You know what else feels like a punch in the face? The first year after birthing your first child, even if you have the BEST partner in the world (and I do.)

----

There are a lot of things to regret, but all of the time spent in the maelstrom in NYC is not one of them.

----

I'm sorry you are so iffy about your partner of 10 months. Screw that. You'll be fine. It'll be like every other partnership wherever you go - it might work out, or not.

In the meantime, you'll be in one of the GREATEST cities on EARTH.

Make the most of it. Love your guy as much as you can - because that will make it so much BETTER!


(My alternative answer was to tell you how I met my excellent husband - that we knew each other for 2 months via work, dated for 2 weeks, and have been very happily married for almost 4 years with a 1 year old son we adore. So really, your relationship has EVERY chance of working out. But also - NYC! I would do a lot to move home, might still, if I could get over the pain you will never have to really face concerning my reasons for leaving there. So, really. You have EVERYTHING to look forward to. Don't fuck it up.)
posted by jbenben at 10:56 PM on May 31, 2012

I had a boyfriend move for me after a long-distance romance. It ended pretty quickly after, but then he met his wife. He doesn't have any regrets about it as far as I'm aware. So you can't really know how it will turn out, and if it doesn't last you'll never be stuck wondering the what ifs.

Change is scary. Moving is listed up there with the big life stressors. You'll be ok.
posted by Dynex at 11:00 PM on May 31, 2012

I don’t know how someone could not be nervous and doubtful when making a move this big. If you said "I’m 100% sure I’m doing the right thing and can’t wait, with no trepidation" then I would think you might be in for a hard time.
posted by bongo_x at 11:02 PM on May 31, 2012 [10 favorites]

I switched colleges and moved across the country in with my boyfriend, then broke up with him a couple years later. In the first few months while I couldn't find a job and we were sharing a bedroom in an apartment with his friends, I thought it might have been the dumbest thing I ever did. However I met some of my best friends in that city, and was recruited to a great job in yet another city from the new college. Life is nothing like I would have predicted back then, but awesome things that I could never have imagined have happened instead.

Maybe you will break up with him and move back to Seattle, knowing for sure that you want to be in Seattle no matter what. Maybe you'll fall in love with NYC, break up with him and stay there anyway. Maybe you'll live happily ever after with him in Atlanta, Georgia. You are not a fool for worrying, but you are not a fool for moving either. You would be a fool to not worry, and you would be a fool to avoid moving just because it might not work out. You'll be fine.
posted by jacalata at 11:09 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

I moved to New York for a dude. We broke up a month later. I regret absolutely nothing about that move. New York in your 20s is awesome...partnered or single. I'm so glad I took the chance and got to experience that.

If you're worried about rushing into living together, it might be reasonable to suggest looking for a 3-6 month sublet before you sign a lease. This is actually a great idea whether or not you're totally sure about the relationship, as it will give you time to explore the city, figure out what neighborhoods you love, and find a job before you have to go through the crazy process of New York apartment hunting.

Best of luck!
posted by psycheslamp at 11:09 PM on May 31, 2012 [3 favorites]

Before my husband and I married, we were in a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. I moved from southern California to the Bay Area when we married, leaving a city I enjoyed (and that was nearer to my family), a bunch of great friends, and a great job. I was happy to make these changes, but I was elated and terrified at the same time. Add that to the exhaustion of any move, and yeah -- I was a mess. It got better! :)

What works for me in situations like these is to ask myself what matters most. So, for you, does it matter more to you to go for it with the guy you love, or to stay near family and friends that you love? Is it more important to you to experience a grand adventure in a new city or to pursue your career in a familiar and stable environment? And if a magic crystal ball told you right now that the NYC plan would not work out, would you rather have memories of a chance you took for the best reasons, or a mind free of regret over "wasted time"? I don't know if these questions are completely appropriate for you, but I think you can get my point.

There is no wrong answer here. You are young and it's the right time of your life to take chances and pursue dreams. Just make sure that what you do, you do for YOU, not for anyone else. Best wishes!
posted by Boogiechild at 11:10 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

Did you actually want our guesses about what will happen? Here is my crystal ball. :) :)

I bet you'll have a few rocky times when you wish you had gotten your own apartment so you could get to know him slowly and have somewhere to retreat to when you feel homesick and/or alienated from him. Just expect that. Create a space in your house that's yours, and get an apartment with doors that close so that you can call your friends in privacy.

I bet you'll get a job, and a couple people you meet there will become partial friends and give you a sense of really belonging to the city. Making friends is going to be important, so it's awesome that you know some people there already.

If job-hunting doesn't go well, that could become a big issue. Make it a priority to find something meaningful to do. (I moved with / for someone a few times, and it only really went wrong the time that I ended up in the outskirts of a midwestern town working in a bagel shop.)

I don't know if the two of you will stay together forever or break up, but I think you'll figure that out either pretty quickly, or a few years out. It'll be rockier if you figure it out quickly, because you'll have relationship drama and moving stress at the same time. But it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't work out, unless you feel like you made a bunch of other bad decisions on the basis of trying to make it work out. So if you're happy you tried out NYC for other reasons, then if the relationship falls through, oh well.

But if you're at all excited about moving to NYC just to be in NYC, to see the friends you have there and to try out this new industry, then you're golden. Don't think of this as moving "for him," and then no matter what happens with him, you'll have had a great adventure.
posted by salvia at 11:15 PM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yeah, definitely move, have fun with the move. If I were you I'd continue to be clear with your boyfriend that you'd like to eventually one day move back to Seattle. Then you won't be misleading anyone. It might make waves, but hey, be honest. Really though, I'm jealous-- I wish to hell I could move to NYC with a partner for a few years. Don't think of it as permanent if you don't want it to be permanent, if that ends the relationship then that's that.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:28 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

You have an awesome opportunity to do something exciting and adventurous while you're still a young adult, at a time when you have significant flexibility (guessing no house, no kids, etc). Make sure you take that opportunity and own it on that basis. You say now that Seattle is the place you really want to be, and of course that's true right now, but you can't really know how you'll feel a few years down the road unless you try the experiment.

Best of luck to you in NYC.
posted by jgreco at 12:08 AM on June 1, 2012

I have done this before, almost to the letter but internationally. (Together for about 2 months, long distance for 8, and then I moved back overseas). I'm about to do the move together after a long distance period thing again this fall! (But still same relationship. Long story.) How you are feeling is so totally understandable. I've felt nervous and doubtful about all of the moves in my life, but it doubles when a relationship is involved. It's a high pressure situation!

Just remember that it's reversible. If it doesn't work out, you can always move back to Seattle, or move somewhere else, or live by yourself in NYC. It may or may not all go according to your plans, but everything is going to work out just fine.

Good luck with the move and the job hunt!
posted by snorkmaiden at 12:34 AM on June 1, 2012

Unless you're losing a lot of career ground by doing this, it sounds like a great idea. The relationship will either work or it won't - if it will, you want to find out as soon as possible, so you can start living your lives together. If it won't, you want to find out as soon as possible, so you can get out of there. Either way, moving over and moving in (I presume) will tell you the answer super quickly, which is exactly what you want.

Disclaimer: I moved in with my wife when we'd been dating for a month, so I may be biased on this. But it would still have been the right move even if we hadn't been compatible, I think.
posted by piato at 1:45 AM on June 1, 2012

You are allowed to change your mind, either now, tomorrow or a month after you move. But why not? I think it's great that you already have friends in NYC. Make sure you get in touch with them again as soon as possible and start setting up your own network. Hit the ground running in regards to looking for a job.
You're also very lucky that you have a decent support system back in Seattle in case things don't work out after all. I think in terms of risky life choices, this is a good one. NYC is amazing, you never know where this step will take you.
Small data point - my friend (a bit older than you) made a similar move under similar circumstances. They actually broke up but she's still there with an amazing career. I think she knows she'll move back "home" eventually (LA) but for now she'll be able to look back at this time with no regrets.
posted by like_neon at 2:02 AM on June 1, 2012

I've moved back and forth across the country (and once across an ocean) 5 times in the last 14 years. One of the main things I have learned is that feeling like you're leaving forever doesn't actually mean that you'll never come back.
posted by colfax at 2:26 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I move across the country for my boyfriend tomorrow

You are moving across the country for yourself.

The difference may be subtle, but in the former example, you are moving across the country presumably to increase his happiness. In the latter example, you are moving across the country to increase your own happiness, and his by proxy.

The best advice I received when doing something similar:

On the best days, you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner. On the worst days, you'll wonder why you ever left at all. Whatever decisions you make will be the right ones, because they have to be.
posted by nickrussell at 2:36 AM on June 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just left the US to move to the UK to live with my fiance. I'd previously spent years convincing myself I'd never move for a guy. When it came time to start publicizing the fact that I was moving I did make it "for myself" -- I *have* always wanted to live abroad, I *do* love England, I *am* thrilled to have the chance to do things like go to France over a weekend for cheap, I *did* need a break from my somewhat unhealthy workaholic lifestyle in the US. But let's face it, the motivating factor was the guy. It took me a long time to reconcile that with myself and it was important for me that I was able to do it.

But when it came to within a couple weeks of the actual move and my fiance kept telling me how excited he was for me to move, and wasn't I excited as well, and I kind of made non-committal noises at him... it wasn't that I wasn't excited. It was that I was literally picking up my life, selling half of it, and shipping the other have thousands of miles away. I was trying to figure out how to get rid of my car, find my dog a new home, work out an arrangement with my company, get a visa, and a million other logistics that resulted in a to-do list miles long. I was nervous (what if we don't get along!), intimidated (oh my god I'm leaving my country), almost a little ashamed (I said I'd never move for a guy!), and of course, insanely, insanely stressed out. So yes, there was excitement, but it was sort of lost in all the other complex emotions I was feeling. I'm not sure you could apply "excitement" to my emotional state until about 24 hours before I got on the airplane, after my car was dropped off at a dealer and my movers had picked up my last box, and all I had left to do was get drunk with my friends that night. And even though I did start feeling genuinely excited at that point, it was only about then that the reality of the situation hit me and I had a serious HOLY SHIT I AM MOVING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY moment.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling 100% excited right now. I think the most important thing is that if it comes up with your boyfriend that you're able to explain it -- a sort of "Yes sweetie, I am excited to be with you, but realize all the other things I'm worrying/stressing about at the same time. I've got a lot going on!" If he's the good guy you believe he is, he'll understand that and work through it with you. My fiance was great about telling me how impressed he was at how calmly I was managing everything, and that helped - that he recognized that my experience of "moving in together" was a lot different than his was on both a logistic and emotional level.

And remember, nothing is permanent. Assuming he's not some crazy who will chain you in the basement, if things go south, you can always rework your life. My fiance has trouble understanding this particular mentality, but for me - I am a very Type-A, must-plan-everything control freak - it helps me to know my ways out. I know if I need to I can buy a plane ticket back to the US on my credit card right now. I know approximately what I'd do about my job and friends I could stay with and support I could get from family. In the absolute worst case where this crazy move of mine turned out to be a bad idea, I would still be okay. And knowing that means I can relax a bit more and look forward to, and work on, everything working out wonderfully for our relationship.

Good luck! It is scary. But you'll never know unless you try.
posted by olinerd at 3:11 AM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]

I think taking risks (but perhaps planned out risks) is one of the greatest parts of life. If you do not like NYC, you can always move back (or move somewhere else)! If the relationship or community are not what you need, you can make changes. At the end of your life, when are thinking about your life, will you have wanted to try out this adventure?
posted by anya32 at 6:17 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think this is "cold feet" or "hero's insomnia". It is the nerves that you get before a big event that makes you doubt your plan. The way to get through it is to make checklists to make sure you aren't forgetting anything short-term wise, and just reassure yourself of the positives of your big plan.

Share them with your boyfriend, but in a "hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed and need to vent a little bit here" way, not in a "I'm doubting our relationship" way.

Moving across the country is scary for a lot of people, as well as moving in with a SO, so it's OK to feel scared. You have already "lit the fuse" on the plan, so follow it through and ride it out. If it makes you feel better, just keep the price of an airline ticket in your bank account at all times so you know you *can* escape if the need ever arises.
posted by gjc at 6:20 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I moved to Delaware for a guy. Delaware. We had dated for a about a year before he had to relocate for school. I followed. I called it quits after two years of living together... nothing particularly horrible happened, he just wasn't the right guy. However, during those two years, I had learned A LOT about myself, and instead of moving back to TN where I am from, I ended up moving to NYC on my own. That was 11 years ago, and my life has turned out pretty great, although nothing like I imagined when I moved with my ex-bf. And now I think I am ready to move back to the South, with my current partner in tow.

So like other posters have said, even if the relationship doesn't work, the experience can offer a great deal. It's not the kind of "mistake" that will ruin your life. And on the bright side, NYC sure as hell isn't Delaware.
posted by kimdog at 6:24 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I moved to live with a guy when we had spent even less time dating before the long distance than you have. I was scared shitless, frankly, that it wouldn't work out, but I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't give it a shot (it helped that I was moving to a cooler city than the one I was from, which given you're moving to NYC I think you have covered!)
I think it is totally normal to be nervous, I would be surprised if anyone would not be at least a little nervous in that situation. Good luck!
posted by lwb at 7:14 AM on June 1, 2012

I moved in with my girlfriend last summer, after living in separate apartments in the same city for about a year and a half. We were definitely both pretty nervous about it, and the first month was actually pretty hard, but now we've figured out how to live together and it's great. So don't worry that you're nervous - this is a big step, of course you're nervous! And don't panic if it's not awesome right away. Give it a couple of months to see if it's going to work.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:38 AM on June 1, 2012

It's perfectly fine to be nervous about a move the night before a move, whether it's part of Being In Love or not. If it doesn't work out, move again.

As just a general principle on the question of Seattle 4ever! I have found that while contingency planning and everything is great...the only way you really really know if something is going to work for you or not is to pay attention to _the present_ - not the future. So go to NYC, give yourself a reasonable adjustment period (6 months - 1 year) and pay attention to your feelings about the guy, the city, the job...everything. I did a similar thing a few years ago and ended up saying "I have tried and tried to love Ottawa but I don't; I need you to move back to Toronto with me" and...we did. :-)

You totally have time for all these decisions. I hope it was a good flight and you are about to have a great first day - elated, tired, nervous, happy, all the glorious emotions together.
posted by Zen_warrior at 7:39 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

So.. am I a complete fool for moving? I would regret it more if I did not

Well, there's your answer.

Nothing in life is a given, but also the vast majority of decisions we make, we can change later on. Doesn't work out? Move somewhere else.

I live in NYC, too. I moved to the USA from a small town in New Zealand and have lived here for nearly 11 years. Change is scary, but change is also awesome.
posted by gaspode at 7:42 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I moved to the US from Australia for a guy, after telling myself my whole life never move for a guy. I felt much like you, leaving a place that felt so completely like home for somewhere totally different. Throwing in a job and moving away from family. I was absolutely numb with terror as I got on the plane. Best thing I ever did. Even if I hadn't ended up married to the guy, if I had stayed in Australia I would have spent the rest of my life playing "what if".

Remember nothing is permanent if it doesn't work out you can always move back home, be it across the country or around the world. Just give your new place time, the first 6 months or so can suck with homesickness and I had to stop myself from running back home everyday for that first 6 months.

Make sure to have your own space if you are moving in with him, be it something as small as a desk and an area you can set up how you like so you don't feel that you have lost everything that is you in the move.
posted by wwax at 7:45 AM on June 1, 2012 [2 favorites]

You will always feel anxious just before you move, even if it is just down the street. I think it is deeply coded in the human genome to be a bit scared and worried about changing the location of our home.

Don't let the anxiety that is necessarily attendant with your move affect your relationship. Make sure you both realize that there may be some drama right at the start, but not to take any of it too personally. I'd plan to spend a few days exploring and getting to know the city completely on your own once you have gotten settled, so that you two aren't completely subsumed in each other. Maybe even get a hotel or stay in a hostel for a night in a completely different borough to get a feel for the real size of the city.

Have fun!
posted by Rock Steady at 7:54 AM on June 1, 2012

You can be totally 100% in love with someone and still feel fear and trepidation and have doubts and all that good shit.

This idea that "real love" needs to be absolute and unquestioning and leave no room for doubt? Total bullshit. (And judging by the relationship questions we see here on AskMe, it's one of the most widespread, pernicious and misery-inducing wads of bullshit currently on the market.)

You're scared and that's totally normal. He's scared — he's reacting badly when you express your doubts because they resonate with his own fears and anxieties, and not because your doubts make you a bad person. That's totally normal too. You'll both feel a little better once you get there, but you'll still be a bit jumpy for a while yet, and that's really just how this sort of thing goes.

Be kind to each other. Speak up when something real is bothering you. Try to do all your unproductive "ZOMG WHAT IF THIS IS ALL A BIG MISTAKE" venting to a trusted friend who's not right in the middle of this emotional maelstrom — someone who can remind you to take deep breaths and keep a level head instead of reflecting and amplifying the anxiety. And then just go with it. It'll be a weird crazy death-defying ride for the next couple weeks or months, and then suddenly you'll look up one day and realize that everything is starting to feel normal.

And try to have fun! It is fun, in a roller-coaster sort of way. Would you ever say "I don't know whether I'm really enjoying this roller coaster ride, because sometimes I feel like I want to scream"? No, you would not say that. Wanting to scream is part of the experience. You're doing fine.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:06 AM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]

You could be moving for a new job or just for the heck of it and you would still feel freaked out--it is a major life change and those are not easy.

But. You aren't emigrating and losing your citizenship, you're moving from one awesome US city to another. It's definitely not an irrevocable decision. If you break up and you don't have enough of your own social life to want to stay, move back to Seattle. You might find that you love it there and have amazing friends and even if you do break up, you'll never want to leave. But definitely you will always have the option--people with small children, marriages, aging parents to care for, even they do it. If you hate it, you can return, honest.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:31 AM on June 1, 2012

I did this and it was, I'm not going to lie, very scary. But my friend said something very simple to me before I left that put things in prospective: "If it doesn't work out, you can always move back." So I told myself that and everything worked out in the end. Moving was the best decision I ever made.


I would make one suggestion, however. Make sure you are, to the extent possible, financially independent from your boyfriend and try to have some savings so that if things don't work out you can extract yourself.

Good luck!
posted by bananafish at 10:44 AM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really cannot imagine moving away from Seattle forever... I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life away from the rest of my family and the place I grew up.

This part feels familiar to me.

Last summer I moved across the country to be with someone (we went from long-distance to living together too). Everything is going great but there are times I miss my friends and family, but when I feel that way I try to shift my focus towards spending time with friends here and enjoying some of the cultural life and other attractions that were not available in my previous city.

My significant other and I both went into my move saying that this NYC thing is probably temporary, but the longer I have lived here the more staying in NYC for a long, long time seems reasonable. NYC is growing on me.

Good luck.
posted by mountmccabe at 12:12 PM on June 1, 2012

Hi! You seem to be in a really similar position to that my fiance was about a year ago. Native born Cascadian, moving to be with me, NYC native! He was from Tacoma, and had a similar deep love for his area, while I had a similar deep hatred for Seattle. I think it's particularly hard for NYC folk to get used to the social expectations of Seattleites, and vice versa, which sometimes makes us more reluctant to make that switch. People feel funny and strange to us.

There was also some similar problems around the concept of apartments and whether we should live together right away. I think it is also really hard for people from other areas of the country to understand just how expensive it is to live in NYC. Rent here is at least twice and sometimes three times what it is in Tacoma, for example. You say that you would have to be starting a new job in a new industry - I also, if I were your fiance, would have some serious concerns around how you would be able to afford an apartment on your own. Not in a patronizing way, but probably because he is thrilled and excited to have you move to NYC, knows what a big deal it is, and wants to eliminate any stresses that might make you change your mind about NYC.

We moved in together, and have been really, really happy.

Sometimes he misses Mt. Ranier, or camping, or weather that isn't sticky and humid. The compromise we've reached is that we take regular vacations back to Washington. If we are planning a vacation, we think, "Can we do it in Cascadia instead?" We try to accomodate for his love of his home, as well as my love of mine.

That said, I think it is likely that the issue of "where you will live" is likely to be a real and serious one. But it's not an immediate problem, and one that I think you'll have years to work out.

Is this the first time you'll be away from your family? Maybe you could try it for a while, and see how it feels to be away from them, with regular visits home. You might find your feelings changing - or you might not, but either way, I think it's hard to know until you actually experience it.
posted by corb at 2:39 PM on June 1, 2012

Do you have to move in with your boyfriend right away? What if you live with roommates for 6 months or a year first? Then you can go on dates and have a honeymoon togetherness phase before you have to deal with the stress of running a household together.
posted by bendy at 9:01 PM on June 2, 2012

Response by poster: Thanks so much everyone! This has been very reassuring and helpful :) We are currently living together with his roommates and I will most likely move out, then move in together when their lease expires in a few months. I am kind of homesick and still can't imagine staying here more than a year or two, but everything is so far so good with him.

Thanks for all the kind words!
posted by queens86 at 10:04 AM on June 5, 2012