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May 31, 2012 7:46 AM Subscribe
Dating filter: did I screw this up or did she come on way too strong?
So I've been taking my time off the dating scene lately. I had a very casual relationship with a PhD student that ended amicably. She was very busy, but we'd see each other when we could. About once a week. This seemed pretty great to me, honestly. I didn't see her quite as much as I'd like, but it was fine. We talked when we had things to talk about, generally.
On the 19th, I got asked on a date by a woman who seemed wonderful but maybe too intense for me. I was pretty nervous, but the date actually went spectacularly. I dropped by a fundraising event she had the next day, she hung out with my friends and I and I saw her Tuesday as well.
Wow, 3 dates in 4 days! But I was cool with it. I started to be less cool with it when on returning home Wednesday and Thursday, I would have 3-4 text messages waiting for me. When I texted back, I'd immediately get a call. I have to answer phones all day at work, and I'd told her I don't really like using them on my personal time... but... there it was. So each time we talked for 5 or so minutes then that was that.
She invited herself over to a place where I was cat sitting Thursday for a brief hangout. We already had weekend plans so I was not into this. Additional texts every time I checked my phone through a friends cookout I brought her to Saturday and a cookout her friends threw Monday...
At this point, my laid back introverted brain was freaking out. Just absolutely nuts. I couldn't ever raise the desire to talk to her because if I checked my phone (I don't always carry it with me), she would've already contacted me.
Last night she said thinks I am "not as interested as she is." I guess that's true now... but 6 dates in the space of 10 days seemed like a lot for just meeting someone along with pretty constantly being bombarded by "hey, what's up?" messages.
I guess I want the internet to tell me if this is the type of thing that's worth talking about or if after 12 days is just about saying "I guess we want different things. Sorry." I do want a serious relationship like that but it can't be insta-forced on my end, I'm learning from this. Our chemistry seems great when I'm not freaking out inside my head about this!
Oh yeah, I totally have a panic issues too if that wasn't obvious.
So I've been taking my time off the dating scene lately. I had a very casual relationship with a PhD student that ended amicably. She was very busy, but we'd see each other when we could. About once a week. This seemed pretty great to me, honestly. I didn't see her quite as much as I'd like, but it was fine. We talked when we had things to talk about, generally.
On the 19th, I got asked on a date by a woman who seemed wonderful but maybe too intense for me. I was pretty nervous, but the date actually went spectacularly. I dropped by a fundraising event she had the next day, she hung out with my friends and I and I saw her Tuesday as well.
Wow, 3 dates in 4 days! But I was cool with it. I started to be less cool with it when on returning home Wednesday and Thursday, I would have 3-4 text messages waiting for me. When I texted back, I'd immediately get a call. I have to answer phones all day at work, and I'd told her I don't really like using them on my personal time... but... there it was. So each time we talked for 5 or so minutes then that was that.
She invited herself over to a place where I was cat sitting Thursday for a brief hangout. We already had weekend plans so I was not into this. Additional texts every time I checked my phone through a friends cookout I brought her to Saturday and a cookout her friends threw Monday...
At this point, my laid back introverted brain was freaking out. Just absolutely nuts. I couldn't ever raise the desire to talk to her because if I checked my phone (I don't always carry it with me), she would've already contacted me.
Last night she said thinks I am "not as interested as she is." I guess that's true now... but 6 dates in the space of 10 days seemed like a lot for just meeting someone along with pretty constantly being bombarded by "hey, what's up?" messages.
I guess I want the internet to tell me if this is the type of thing that's worth talking about or if after 12 days is just about saying "I guess we want different things. Sorry." I do want a serious relationship like that but it can't be insta-forced on my end, I'm learning from this. Our chemistry seems great when I'm not freaking out inside my head about this!
Oh yeah, I totally have a panic issues too if that wasn't obvious.
Were you replying to her texts, and that made her send another one, or did they all come without any replies from you?
How did she manage to invite herself round if you didn't want her to come round?
Did you tell her that you're enjoying the relationship, but just not used to the frequency of contact and would like to go slower?
posted by devnull at 7:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
How did she manage to invite herself round if you didn't want her to come round?
Did you tell her that you're enjoying the relationship, but just not used to the frequency of contact and would like to go slower?
posted by devnull at 7:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you do like her I would give her the benefit of the doubt (she just really likes you!?) and speak with her. Have the conversation, "Hey, I'd like to take this slower, and the constant contact is kind of freaking me out a bit here given it's so early in the getting-to-know-eachother stage. Can we dial it back a little bit?"
If she's still too intense after the conversation, move on.
posted by Falwless at 7:54 AM on May 31, 2012 [26 favorites]
If she's still too intense after the conversation, move on.
posted by Falwless at 7:54 AM on May 31, 2012 [26 favorites]
Consider this:
At this point, my laid back introverted brain was freaking out. Just absolutely nuts. I couldn't ever raise the desire to talk to her because if I checked my phone (I don't always carry it with me), she would've already contacted me.
contrast this:
I do want a serious relationship like that but it can't be insta-forced on my end, I'm learning from this. Our chemistry seems great when I'm not freaking out inside my head about this!
It sounds like there's something there, but that something is being buried under the stress that it seems like you both are feeling because your communication styles are mismatched and your (plural) expectations aren't being met.
If there's a spark, if you think it's worth trying to keep up, you're going to have to have a conversation about communication styles and expectations. It might seem soon -- hell, it is soon -- but I don't see how else to do it. "I like you, I'd like to see you again, but you are coming on too strong for me right now" is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and doesn't have to be a Define The Relationship conversation.
Now, that conversation might be the end of things. It might be the case that this communication mismatch is too big a deal early on, or that she hears it as you being flinchy and non-committal, or -- hell, she might take it to mean that you're married and just fooling around with her. You can't control her response. She might take it to mean anything.
All you can do is say, "this is what's right for me, for right now" and if she can't or won't accept that, that's a sign of an incompatibility that would almost certainly come up later on in the relationship later anyway. So don't sweat it.
posted by gauche at 7:56 AM on May 31, 2012 [7 favorites]
At this point, my laid back introverted brain was freaking out. Just absolutely nuts. I couldn't ever raise the desire to talk to her because if I checked my phone (I don't always carry it with me), she would've already contacted me.
contrast this:
I do want a serious relationship like that but it can't be insta-forced on my end, I'm learning from this. Our chemistry seems great when I'm not freaking out inside my head about this!
It sounds like there's something there, but that something is being buried under the stress that it seems like you both are feeling because your communication styles are mismatched and your (plural) expectations aren't being met.
If there's a spark, if you think it's worth trying to keep up, you're going to have to have a conversation about communication styles and expectations. It might seem soon -- hell, it is soon -- but I don't see how else to do it. "I like you, I'd like to see you again, but you are coming on too strong for me right now" is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and doesn't have to be a Define The Relationship conversation.
Now, that conversation might be the end of things. It might be the case that this communication mismatch is too big a deal early on, or that she hears it as you being flinchy and non-committal, or -- hell, she might take it to mean that you're married and just fooling around with her. You can't control her response. She might take it to mean anything.
All you can do is say, "this is what's right for me, for right now" and if she can't or won't accept that, that's a sign of an incompatibility that would almost certainly come up later on in the relationship later anyway. So don't sweat it.
posted by gauche at 7:56 AM on May 31, 2012 [7 favorites]
The truth seems to be that you are not as interested as she is, at least not in the kind of boundary-less crazytime relationship she seems to be looking for. The boundaries that you set are way beyond reasonable and healthy and if she is trying to angle around those than this is not a relationship that you want.
How familiar are you with mirroring? Folks who are talented at it can create the illusion of instant chemistry even when it isn't actually there, and it can be really non-intuitive to spot.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:57 AM on May 31, 2012 [5 favorites]
How familiar are you with mirroring? Folks who are talented at it can create the illusion of instant chemistry even when it isn't actually there, and it can be really non-intuitive to spot.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:57 AM on May 31, 2012 [5 favorites]
You're not compatible. You want different things in a relationship. What else is there to say?
posted by John Cohen at 7:58 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 7:58 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is it possible you just detest texting? What you're describing would drive me batshit, independent entirely of whether I liked the person.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:59 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:59 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Nah, I'm like you. Don't like people bombarding me with their presence, especially if I barely know them. I once had a friend who was clingy like that who tried to be my new best friend in 2 months span of time. Not feeling it. Had to drop her.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:10 AM on May 31, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:10 AM on May 31, 2012 [5 favorites]
Sounds like the well may be poisoned, since you're kind of already feeling like you don't like her as much.
But for the future, other than the "invited herself," I don't see anything here other than some texting that isn't reciprocated, and you seem to have voluntarily seen her several of those six times by bringing her to an event, dropping by her event ... I fear that without meaning to, you may have led her to believe that you were one of those "in and out of contact a lot" people. There are people who sort of text on and off all the time with each other and see each other a lot, and it doesn't necessarily mean a lot except that they're ... just like that. It's perfectly okay that you're not like that and she is, but it might mean you can't date.
I would encourage you to take a little more ownership over making plans, and if you're not into seeing somebody that much, decline an invitation or two, or don't issue an invitation or two, and keep it light. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I think you maybe tried to be polite and wound up sending signals different from what you intended. If she's as great as you say, she'll probably wander off and find somebody who digs that kind of constant back and forth.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 8:15 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
But for the future, other than the "invited herself," I don't see anything here other than some texting that isn't reciprocated, and you seem to have voluntarily seen her several of those six times by bringing her to an event, dropping by her event ... I fear that without meaning to, you may have led her to believe that you were one of those "in and out of contact a lot" people. There are people who sort of text on and off all the time with each other and see each other a lot, and it doesn't necessarily mean a lot except that they're ... just like that. It's perfectly okay that you're not like that and she is, but it might mean you can't date.
I would encourage you to take a little more ownership over making plans, and if you're not into seeing somebody that much, decline an invitation or two, or don't issue an invitation or two, and keep it light. I don't think you did anything wrong, but I think you maybe tried to be polite and wound up sending signals different from what you intended. If she's as great as you say, she'll probably wander off and find somebody who digs that kind of constant back and forth.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 8:15 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
You have chemistry. You like her (I think?). Seems to me it's at least worth talking to her about how you'd like to slow down/you're not looking for 24/7 contact. If she doesn't understand or can't stay within your boundaries, then I'd consider ending it, but you have to actually lay out those boundaries first.
posted by hamandcheese at 8:30 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by hamandcheese at 8:30 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
I guess I want the internet to tell me if this is the type of thing that's worth talking about or if after 12 days is just about saying "I guess we want different things. Sorry."
Hey, yeah, you're just different people. When you set aside the feeling of bombardment, you really like her! So tell her that you move slower, like space, and that you don't like to jump into things.
If she can handle that, then great! If not, oh well.
But people aren't going to read your mind. YOU keep texting back, and doing the things you think you're "supposed" to do. So you have to communicate and date the way you want. Make it clear, be kind, and take things at YOUR pace.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hey, yeah, you're just different people. When you set aside the feeling of bombardment, you really like her! So tell her that you move slower, like space, and that you don't like to jump into things.
If she can handle that, then great! If not, oh well.
But people aren't going to read your mind. YOU keep texting back, and doing the things you think you're "supposed" to do. So you have to communicate and date the way you want. Make it clear, be kind, and take things at YOUR pace.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:34 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm gonna hike up this molehill and say that you just need to convey to her that you want to take things slower. And that your communication styles seem poorly matched... at this moment. Communication styles change, and that's something you can probably compromise on. And taking things slow and getting to know one another is TOTALLY fair after two weeks.
To me, her communications and spending time together doesn't actually seem terribly wild and boundary-less. It seems... excited. And she's entitled to be excited. But if she's actually excited, then she will respect your wishes to take things slowly, and if done mindfully will actually increase the attraction that you feel for each other.
Talk to her. If you feel like you can't talk to her about this, then I'd say you have one of two answers on your hands: 1) this isn't a good fit and you should let it go; 2) your anxiety is really not well-controlled right now and you need to seek assistance with that.
posted by jph at 8:42 AM on May 31, 2012
To me, her communications and spending time together doesn't actually seem terribly wild and boundary-less. It seems... excited. And she's entitled to be excited. But if she's actually excited, then she will respect your wishes to take things slowly, and if done mindfully will actually increase the attraction that you feel for each other.
Talk to her. If you feel like you can't talk to her about this, then I'd say you have one of two answers on your hands: 1) this isn't a good fit and you should let it go; 2) your anxiety is really not well-controlled right now and you need to seek assistance with that.
posted by jph at 8:42 AM on May 31, 2012
I would respond less often.
The trouble with this is it's intermittent reinforcement. If she takes a step back, you may be compatible. If she starts scaling the wall of your building to get at you, she is too clingy for you.
If you are seeing her this often, and returning her calls this often, she probably thinks that's what you want. I know this is offensive by MeFi's standards, but I usually counsel seeing someone only once a week or so in the first month, precisely in order to avoid this kind of burnout.
posted by tel3path at 8:47 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
The trouble with this is it's intermittent reinforcement. If she takes a step back, you may be compatible. If she starts scaling the wall of your building to get at you, she is too clingy for you.
If you are seeing her this often, and returning her calls this often, she probably thinks that's what you want. I know this is offensive by MeFi's standards, but I usually counsel seeing someone only once a week or so in the first month, precisely in order to avoid this kind of burnout.
posted by tel3path at 8:47 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm the OP.
I made this anonymous because I thought I was a horrible, horrible person, but I guess not... so... I'll just answer the questions. (Also thank you for letting me know I'm not horrible.)
Anyway,
Were you replying to her texts, and that made her send another one, or did they all come without any replies from you?
I didn't take my cell phone to work any of the days. I generally don't. So the 3-4 texts would be without replies scattered throughout the day.
How did she manage to invite herself round if you didn't want her to come round?
Her (texting): What're you up to?
Me: Playing with the cat I'm cat sitting and watching Game of Thrones.
Her: Can I come over?
Me: *intense feeling of guilt and shame that you want your alone time because you just had a date Tuesday and work is stressful* ...Okay.
I would respond less often.
The trouble with this is it's intermittent reinforcement. If she takes a step back, you may be compatible. If she starts scaling the wall of your building to get at you, she is too clingy for you.
I do respond less often, and I've dialed back my enthusiasm because she is SO ENTHUSIASTIC and complimentary. Literally telling me I'm amazingly handsome and awesome every time we talk. It's not as great as you might think to be told that constantly especially when you apparently have some sort of anxiety disorder.
I know this is offensive by MeFi's standards, but I usually counsel seeing someone only once a week or so in the first month, precisely in order to avoid this kind of burnout.
This is actually what I normally do in dating. The fundraiser the next night was just a thing I went to with friends but then I ended up inviting her back to hang with us and watch The Room. Probably was a mistake.
So yeah, I see that I did probably represent myself incorrectly by having 3 dates in 4 days. We did sort of talk about this last night, but this whole situation has prompted me to visit my doctor to talk about anxiety and whatever he gave me to try when I got anxious made me fall asleep before we could finish talking about it.
I do kind of feel like the well is poisoned now, which is too bad. I had that feeling from reading her OkC profile as she seemed EXTREMELY outgoing and intense, and I definitely like 3-4 days to myself a week. She was *constantly* complimenting me about how great I was and that was freaking me out too.
I think I will let it go for her benefit. Maybe we could meet in some sort of compromise, but she's awesome and I think I'm a good guy so we should just keep looking to find more ideal matches. Less than two weeks in, I don't think I'm up for this kind of thing. It has shown me that I need to work on my anxiety and feelings of guilt over wanting alone time. So yeah, I saw my doctor and am scheduling therapy.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I made this anonymous because I thought I was a horrible, horrible person, but I guess not... so... I'll just answer the questions. (Also thank you for letting me know I'm not horrible.)
Anyway,
Were you replying to her texts, and that made her send another one, or did they all come without any replies from you?
I didn't take my cell phone to work any of the days. I generally don't. So the 3-4 texts would be without replies scattered throughout the day.
How did she manage to invite herself round if you didn't want her to come round?
Her (texting): What're you up to?
Me: Playing with the cat I'm cat sitting and watching Game of Thrones.
Her: Can I come over?
Me: *intense feeling of guilt and shame that you want your alone time because you just had a date Tuesday and work is stressful* ...Okay.
I would respond less often.
The trouble with this is it's intermittent reinforcement. If she takes a step back, you may be compatible. If she starts scaling the wall of your building to get at you, she is too clingy for you.
I do respond less often, and I've dialed back my enthusiasm because she is SO ENTHUSIASTIC and complimentary. Literally telling me I'm amazingly handsome and awesome every time we talk. It's not as great as you might think to be told that constantly especially when you apparently have some sort of anxiety disorder.
I know this is offensive by MeFi's standards, but I usually counsel seeing someone only once a week or so in the first month, precisely in order to avoid this kind of burnout.
This is actually what I normally do in dating. The fundraiser the next night was just a thing I went to with friends but then I ended up inviting her back to hang with us and watch The Room. Probably was a mistake.
So yeah, I see that I did probably represent myself incorrectly by having 3 dates in 4 days. We did sort of talk about this last night, but this whole situation has prompted me to visit my doctor to talk about anxiety and whatever he gave me to try when I got anxious made me fall asleep before we could finish talking about it.
I do kind of feel like the well is poisoned now, which is too bad. I had that feeling from reading her OkC profile as she seemed EXTREMELY outgoing and intense, and I definitely like 3-4 days to myself a week. She was *constantly* complimenting me about how great I was and that was freaking me out too.
I think I will let it go for her benefit. Maybe we could meet in some sort of compromise, but she's awesome and I think I'm a good guy so we should just keep looking to find more ideal matches. Less than two weeks in, I don't think I'm up for this kind of thing. It has shown me that I need to work on my anxiety and feelings of guilt over wanting alone time. So yeah, I saw my doctor and am scheduling therapy.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with either of you, but your intensity levels are not well matched. I would just say to her "Hey, listen, I really like you but I am never going to cope well with this much communication and checking in. If you are going to be okay without texts and much less frequent calls, I'd love to see you again but if that's not going to give you what you need, I totally understand."
So give her an option, see how it goes, and prepare to bail if it turns out that she is actually uber extroverted or just batshit insane.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:51 AM on May 31, 2012 [13 favorites]
So give her an option, see how it goes, and prepare to bail if it turns out that she is actually uber extroverted or just batshit insane.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:51 AM on May 31, 2012 [13 favorites]
I can be that kind of girl. I don't *need* to be, but without information from someone I'm dating, it's easy for me to slip into excessive contact.
In her shoes, I'd want you to gently point out that it's a lot, more than you're used to, or really comfortable participating in. Say that you'd like to keep hanging out a couple times a week, but need time and space for your own activities, so you won't be replying to texts very often. Remind her of all the cool traits you like about her, and the awesome things she does with her time when she's not texting you.
You're not necessarily incompatible, but need to actively negotiate a communication strategy that works for both of you.
I send my boyfriend a lot of emails and texts that he doesn't reply to, and I don't expect him to. But when it's important, I say that I need a reply, and when I want to call, I usually text him a heads up and wait for an "all clear", unless it's time sensitive. But I use phone calls sparingly and intentionally.
posted by itesser at 9:03 AM on May 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
In her shoes, I'd want you to gently point out that it's a lot, more than you're used to, or really comfortable participating in. Say that you'd like to keep hanging out a couple times a week, but need time and space for your own activities, so you won't be replying to texts very often. Remind her of all the cool traits you like about her, and the awesome things she does with her time when she's not texting you.
You're not necessarily incompatible, but need to actively negotiate a communication strategy that works for both of you.
I send my boyfriend a lot of emails and texts that he doesn't reply to, and I don't expect him to. But when it's important, I say that I need a reply, and when I want to call, I usually text him a heads up and wait for an "all clear", unless it's time sensitive. But I use phone calls sparingly and intentionally.
posted by itesser at 9:03 AM on May 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
I can be outgoing and excited and really into a guy. But I'm also an introvert. Part of that means telling friends and dates "I really like you, but I need a night to recharge my batteries. It's nothing personal."
If she's an extrovert, she isn't going to intuitively make that distinction. She's going to see it as you pulling back and not liking her.
That doesn't mean it's doomed. I'm dating an extrovert who respects that leaving the party early doesn't mean I'm mad at him or hate his friends. But he only knows that because I tell him. Otherwise all his social hard-wiring would see it as "Red Flags. She's losing interest in you."
If she doesn't want to create space for your introverted-taking-it-slow self, then it's doomed. But expecting someone to read your mind is a bad start to any relationship. You have needs and wants. It's okay to articulate them.
posted by politikitty at 9:21 AM on May 31, 2012
If she's an extrovert, she isn't going to intuitively make that distinction. She's going to see it as you pulling back and not liking her.
That doesn't mean it's doomed. I'm dating an extrovert who respects that leaving the party early doesn't mean I'm mad at him or hate his friends. But he only knows that because I tell him. Otherwise all his social hard-wiring would see it as "Red Flags. She's losing interest in you."
If she doesn't want to create space for your introverted-taking-it-slow self, then it's doomed. But expecting someone to read your mind is a bad start to any relationship. You have needs and wants. It's okay to articulate them.
posted by politikitty at 9:21 AM on May 31, 2012
Okay, breathe out. You're fine.
I agree with Darling Bri, that is the perfect script. You should NEVER be afraid to say what you want in a relationship.
It's perfectly okay to only want an occasional date when you first start going out. If you hate talking on the phone, that's okay too.
If she's got to be in touch, coming over, and in general making you insane because she follows you into the john, then you're not right for each other. If she can dial down the intensity, then you might be okay together.
Anyone who can't see that after 12 days, is probably just not going to work out. If she can live with it that way, then it might.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:22 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with Darling Bri, that is the perfect script. You should NEVER be afraid to say what you want in a relationship.
It's perfectly okay to only want an occasional date when you first start going out. If you hate talking on the phone, that's okay too.
If she's got to be in touch, coming over, and in general making you insane because she follows you into the john, then you're not right for each other. If she can dial down the intensity, then you might be okay together.
Anyone who can't see that after 12 days, is probably just not going to work out. If she can live with it that way, then it might.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:22 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Literally telling me I'm amazingly handsome and awesome every time we talk.
The official philosophy of the neg is that women get told they're gorgeous and wonderful all the time and it's more annoying than guys realize. So, instead of coming out with a straight-up compliment you come out with something more playful and teasing like that, or a compliment with the edge taken off it by turning it into a joke so it doesn't sound smarmy.
Of course it has a terrible reputation, because it's usually done badly. The popular interpretation, by accident or design, is that women are arrogant and need to be taken down a peg or two, so you insult them to show that you are just. that. awesome. Then you go home alone and dateless, because you don't need no stinkin' women. Er... the end.
But as you see, it is smothering to be complimented that much. I'm sorry for whatever influence made you feel that this is part of your disorder for which you need more therapy. It's actually human nature to feel boxed in by this kind of thing. I was negged once, and it was so beautifully done that I will never forget it; I can't repeat it here because it relied on references to interpersonal history that would make sense to no-one else. But I count it among the highest compliments anyone has ever paid me.
posted by tel3path at 9:24 AM on May 31, 2012
The official philosophy of the neg is that women get told they're gorgeous and wonderful all the time and it's more annoying than guys realize. So, instead of coming out with a straight-up compliment you come out with something more playful and teasing like that, or a compliment with the edge taken off it by turning it into a joke so it doesn't sound smarmy.
Of course it has a terrible reputation, because it's usually done badly. The popular interpretation, by accident or design, is that women are arrogant and need to be taken down a peg or two, so you insult them to show that you are just. that. awesome. Then you go home alone and dateless, because you don't need no stinkin' women. Er... the end.
But as you see, it is smothering to be complimented that much. I'm sorry for whatever influence made you feel that this is part of your disorder for which you need more therapy. It's actually human nature to feel boxed in by this kind of thing. I was negged once, and it was so beautifully done that I will never forget it; I can't repeat it here because it relied on references to interpersonal history that would make sense to no-one else. But I count it among the highest compliments anyone has ever paid me.
posted by tel3path at 9:24 AM on May 31, 2012
Dude you know the answer here. Normal people don't act like this. If you progress, she will only get more clingy, needy and annoying.
posted by the foreground at 9:40 AM on May 31, 2012
posted by the foreground at 9:40 AM on May 31, 2012
In the future, if you're enjoying a quiet evening by yourself and don't want to do anything else, and someone asks you "what are you up to?" try saying "enjoying some down time, had a long day" or something like that. If they're just asking because they're curious, then you've told the truth and can still chat by text if you want. If they were fishing for an invitation or going to suggest a socializing plan, then you've already established that your quiet time is deliberate, not just the result of not having had any other ideas.
You sound as though she's made you really anxious, so feel free to not see her again. Fun dates should not make you feel like you need therapy. Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:41 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
You sound as though she's made you really anxious, so feel free to not see her again. Fun dates should not make you feel like you need therapy. Good luck!
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:41 AM on May 31, 2012 [4 favorites]
It's perfectly fine to tell somebody you're getting to know that you need some alone time when you need some alone time. If they react badly to your need for alone time, you're incompatible.
It's not perfectly fine to run any kind of intimate relationship over SMS. I know all the kids do it and think it's perfectly normal, but really, that's because kids are all addicted to drama. Seriously, don't do that. In my firmly held opinion, relationship talk should be done face-to-face or not at all.
posted by flabdablet at 9:50 AM on May 31, 2012
It's not perfectly fine to run any kind of intimate relationship over SMS. I know all the kids do it and think it's perfectly normal, but really, that's because kids are all addicted to drama. Seriously, don't do that. In my firmly held opinion, relationship talk should be done face-to-face or not at all.
posted by flabdablet at 9:50 AM on May 31, 2012
This is a mixed blessing. I mean, it's awesome to meet someone where there is that kind of spark and intensity. But it can be smothering and intimidating.
There are a couple of possible scenarios:
1) She is just a naturally bubbly, energetic person. And you are both still learning about each other. If you continue for a while, your lives will integrate a little more and your up times will match her up times. And maybe you are a little entrenched in "single person, all my time is my own" mode.
2) She is just needier than you can give. (Not that that is a negative, just an incompatibility.) I dated someone like this, and it ended for this reason. For me, sitting on the couch mindlessly watching TV is doing something, for her it was not doing anything and therefore I was available to do what she wanted.
3) She likes you and is nervous, and is being energetic because of that. Given time, your nerves and hers will calm down and it could be great.
4) She might be one of those people who does relationships in that black and white way- white hot intensity followed by... nothing. It ends because she is done with you.
The only way to find out is to talk to her. Not "we have to talk [doom trumpets]", but just a quiet dinner. And calmly and quietly, not in a defensive "I feel smothered" kind of way, but more of a review of where things were and where they are going. What you each need from the other, exploring feelings.
posted by gjc at 9:55 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
There are a couple of possible scenarios:
1) She is just a naturally bubbly, energetic person. And you are both still learning about each other. If you continue for a while, your lives will integrate a little more and your up times will match her up times. And maybe you are a little entrenched in "single person, all my time is my own" mode.
2) She is just needier than you can give. (Not that that is a negative, just an incompatibility.) I dated someone like this, and it ended for this reason. For me, sitting on the couch mindlessly watching TV is doing something, for her it was not doing anything and therefore I was available to do what she wanted.
3) She likes you and is nervous, and is being energetic because of that. Given time, your nerves and hers will calm down and it could be great.
4) She might be one of those people who does relationships in that black and white way- white hot intensity followed by... nothing. It ends because she is done with you.
The only way to find out is to talk to her. Not "we have to talk [doom trumpets]", but just a quiet dinner. And calmly and quietly, not in a defensive "I feel smothered" kind of way, but more of a review of where things were and where they are going. What you each need from the other, exploring feelings.
posted by gjc at 9:55 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
I dunno, she doesn't sound that clingy to me. She sounds like someone who is friendly and wants to get to know someone else and assumes the feeling is mutual (and has gotten some confirming signals). It also sounds like she's an asker and you're a guesser on the ask vs guess spectrum. She's requesting contact via hang out/text and you're uncomfortable denying her, so you feel imposed upon (which is partly your deal to sort out - sounds like you're working on it - you should be able to maintain boundaries without a lot of angst). Also, she probably compliments you because she enjoys getting compliments herself.
If you decide to keep this going with her, I'd let her know that you don't check your phone for long stretches (thus, a buildup of text messages is pointless), that you'd prefer scheduled time together instead of spontaneous hang outs, and you'd like to be the one to initiate contact with her half the time (frame it as taking turns). In return (if the talk goes well!), you should have a nice next date planned out in advance - something for her to look forward to - and make sure you express the things you like about her. She's looking for that energy from you. Otherwise, from her side it will look like you're not into her at all.
posted by griselda at 10:09 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you decide to keep this going with her, I'd let her know that you don't check your phone for long stretches (thus, a buildup of text messages is pointless), that you'd prefer scheduled time together instead of spontaneous hang outs, and you'd like to be the one to initiate contact with her half the time (frame it as taking turns). In return (if the talk goes well!), you should have a nice next date planned out in advance - something for her to look forward to - and make sure you express the things you like about her. She's looking for that energy from you. Otherwise, from her side it will look like you're not into her at all.
posted by griselda at 10:09 AM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it throws me off that she sends 3-4 texts in a row with no response between them. And it throws me off more that she has done this more than once. Keep in mind that this is coming from an extrovert who does like a good dose of communication. However, in the early days of a dating situation, I think a reasonable dose of communication is 2 times a week outside of date (and I could be easily persuaded to ramp that down in the first couple of weeks).
So, I think you could bring up to her that you aren't a big talker and like some alone time even though you really like her and want to continue seeing her. However, please note that she's probably going to think you don't like her and get a bit insecure. So, the end may be in sight whether you end it now or decide to communicate with her. However, if you do like her, it could be worth communicating this to her (actually, it would be a fair thing to do since she won't have to wonder how what she thought was "such a great relationship that was going so well was ended so abruptly!"). Just don't be surprised if her intensity ends up killing what's left of your interest in her.
posted by superfille at 11:24 AM on May 31, 2012
So, I think you could bring up to her that you aren't a big talker and like some alone time even though you really like her and want to continue seeing her. However, please note that she's probably going to think you don't like her and get a bit insecure. So, the end may be in sight whether you end it now or decide to communicate with her. However, if you do like her, it could be worth communicating this to her (actually, it would be a fair thing to do since she won't have to wonder how what she thought was "such a great relationship that was going so well was ended so abruptly!"). Just don't be surprised if her intensity ends up killing what's left of your interest in her.
posted by superfille at 11:24 AM on May 31, 2012
Nthing simple compatibility issues here. Nothing more. Nothing deeper.
For example, it would feel like torture to me if I met someone new and only saw them once a week. I have always been into the gals who would see me 3 times in 4 days. Heck, my wife and I saw each other 5 times in 4 days in the beginning (twice, separate dates, in one day once).
The point is, you are both normal and no one did anything wrong and no one is horrible in the least--just different styles and preferences.
Put her in the friend zone and move along to the next fish.
posted by TinWhistle at 11:26 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
For example, it would feel like torture to me if I met someone new and only saw them once a week. I have always been into the gals who would see me 3 times in 4 days. Heck, my wife and I saw each other 5 times in 4 days in the beginning (twice, separate dates, in one day once).
The point is, you are both normal and no one did anything wrong and no one is horrible in the least--just different styles and preferences.
Put her in the friend zone and move along to the next fish.
posted by TinWhistle at 11:26 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd feel overwhelmed by all those texts, too. You're supposed to bat the ball back and forth over the net, not spike ball after ball continually at the other person.
posted by gentian at 11:30 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by gentian at 11:30 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would tell her nicely that you feel overwhelmed by the number of texts (you may get a river-in-Egypt response from her) and that you don't think you're compatible. Who knows, she might learn something.
I would feel exactly the same way about a guy who did this, and I'm an (introverted) woman. I probably would have stopped responding at all right around the 6th text, but I'm crabby by nature.
superfille's guideline of ~2X communication per week outside of date is a good one; I might feel overwhelmed by that much early on but it's not unreasonable by any means.
posted by Currer Belfry at 11:38 AM on May 31, 2012
I would feel exactly the same way about a guy who did this, and I'm an (introverted) woman. I probably would have stopped responding at all right around the 6th text, but I'm crabby by nature.
superfille's guideline of ~2X communication per week outside of date is a good one; I might feel overwhelmed by that much early on but it's not unreasonable by any means.
posted by Currer Belfry at 11:38 AM on May 31, 2012
OP AGAIN:
Thanks, everyone. I'm going to talk to her and say we just don't seem to line up as far as communication compatibility goes and wish her the best.
When we talked last night, and sadly it was via text, I said I felt that she'd skipped dating and gone straight to long term relationship. She didn't respond to that. Seemed ominous. This was just crossed wires and I guess I should have addressed it before a week of bombardment, but hey, that's stupid, irrational anxiety for you.
4) She might be one of those people who does relationships in that black and white way- white hot intensity followed by... nothing. It ends because she is done with you.
This is exactly how she described her last relationship...!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Thanks, everyone. I'm going to talk to her and say we just don't seem to line up as far as communication compatibility goes and wish her the best.
When we talked last night, and sadly it was via text, I said I felt that she'd skipped dating and gone straight to long term relationship. She didn't respond to that. Seemed ominous. This was just crossed wires and I guess I should have addressed it before a week of bombardment, but hey, that's stupid, irrational anxiety for you.
4) She might be one of those people who does relationships in that black and white way- white hot intensity followed by... nothing. It ends because she is done with you.
This is exactly how she described her last relationship...!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Make up your own mind about how often you'd be comfortable seeing and talking to her. If she's this interested in you, then it's a good idea to risk laying it all out for her - you're actually pretty introverted, you don't like texting a lot or talking on the phone, you need to take it slow in order to become more comfortable with her, and you can explain what introverts are like. Make her understand you like her, and would like to see where this goes but she has to understand you have needs. It's not her, it's not your feelings towards her, this is how you're wired. If that's not ok with her (and she should be honest with herself here) then this won't work out.
posted by lizbunny at 11:54 AM on May 31, 2012
posted by lizbunny at 11:54 AM on May 31, 2012
Ooh, using text for sensitive communications is fraught with peril. Perhaps best you nix all further texting until you've had The Talk with her?
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:57 AM on May 31, 2012
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:57 AM on May 31, 2012
I'm actually just extricating myself from something like this, and it's exhausting.
posted by rhizome at 12:08 PM on May 31, 2012
posted by rhizome at 12:08 PM on May 31, 2012
Last night she said thinks I am "not as interested as she is."
Response: "Yup! Sorry. Looks like we're not compatible."
posted by moammargaret at 12:32 PM on May 31, 2012
Response: "Yup! Sorry. Looks like we're not compatible."
posted by moammargaret at 12:32 PM on May 31, 2012
The worst thing in the world is to realize that your affections are mismatched.
Affections are always mismatched.
Love succeeds when affections are high enough that both parties can ignore the petty mismatches as "loose change" out of the larger transaction.
Your relationship isn't to that point; you both know it; NBD if it falls through.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:11 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Affections are always mismatched.
Love succeeds when affections are high enough that both parties can ignore the petty mismatches as "loose change" out of the larger transaction.
Your relationship isn't to that point; you both know it; NBD if it falls through.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:11 PM on May 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Meh, I don't think you "screwed up", but I do think you're trying to blame her a bit too much.
Her (texting): What're you up to?
Me: Playing with the cat I'm cat sitting and watching Game of Thrones.
Her: Can I come over?
Me: *intense feeling of guilt and shame that you want your alone time because you just had a date Tuesday and work is stressful* ...Okay.
She asked if she could come over and you said okay. She was even texting, which meant you had time to think about your response - which could have been a ton of things, like, "oh, I'm exhausted from work" or "the owners said I can't have anyone over...." if she'd pressed after that, yeah, maybe a bit pushy, but a simple "can I come over" followed by an "okay" is in no way being pushy.
I don't want you to take offense - I'm not the best communicator in the world (far from it!) - but I think you have some issues with communication and you're trying to evade responsibility for them. You sound like you're telling this woman "yes, yes, yes" and then getting aggravated when she's hearing "yes, yes, yes."
Also, with regards to her texting you during work time, well, they're TEXTS! You don't have to view them during work time. If she were calling you during work, that would be another story, but texts are not they same. I don't check my phone during class - this doesn't mean my friends can't text me during class, it just means I won't be able to check them during class - and yes, sometimes I have 3-4 texts from one person at the end of one class period.
If you had an amazing time with this woman - as you say you did - you might want to give it another shot. Who knows, you might learn about communication! But relationships are never perfect. You're never going to find someone who will instantly be able to read your mind - call you only when you want to be called, come over only when you want them to come over. Relationships are about give and take. Certainly don't stay in this relationship if you don't like her - you can't FORCE a relationship - but you do have to communicate in any relationship.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 1:12 PM on May 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
Her (texting): What're you up to?
Me: Playing with the cat I'm cat sitting and watching Game of Thrones.
Her: Can I come over?
Me: *intense feeling of guilt and shame that you want your alone time because you just had a date Tuesday and work is stressful* ...Okay.
She asked if she could come over and you said okay. She was even texting, which meant you had time to think about your response - which could have been a ton of things, like, "oh, I'm exhausted from work" or "the owners said I can't have anyone over...." if she'd pressed after that, yeah, maybe a bit pushy, but a simple "can I come over" followed by an "okay" is in no way being pushy.
I don't want you to take offense - I'm not the best communicator in the world (far from it!) - but I think you have some issues with communication and you're trying to evade responsibility for them. You sound like you're telling this woman "yes, yes, yes" and then getting aggravated when she's hearing "yes, yes, yes."
Also, with regards to her texting you during work time, well, they're TEXTS! You don't have to view them during work time. If she were calling you during work, that would be another story, but texts are not they same. I don't check my phone during class - this doesn't mean my friends can't text me during class, it just means I won't be able to check them during class - and yes, sometimes I have 3-4 texts from one person at the end of one class period.
If you had an amazing time with this woman - as you say you did - you might want to give it another shot. Who knows, you might learn about communication! But relationships are never perfect. You're never going to find someone who will instantly be able to read your mind - call you only when you want to be called, come over only when you want them to come over. Relationships are about give and take. Certainly don't stay in this relationship if you don't like her - you can't FORCE a relationship - but you do have to communicate in any relationship.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 1:12 PM on May 31, 2012 [6 favorites]
If you don't like something or it makes you nuts it just means that you don't like it and it's okay to do what you want and not feel guilty about it.
Personally, this much contact for me makes me think the other person is mentally/emotionally imbalanced. And then, I want to run. I had a similar experience with a friend, not even a date. I got three text messages in one evening asking for the next potential get-together (when we had met twice over the previous weekend). I distanced myself by emailing her the next day (we also use email a bit). I had mentioned to her that work keeps me rather busy and I can't go out all the time but it didn't seem to make much of a difference. I do understand where she was coming from but here is what made me distance myself: I realized that the thought of just responding to her, anticipating meeting her when I didn't want to and trying to be polite, because that's what I thought was the *right* thing to do, was stressing me out. And this is when hanging out with friends is supposed to be a great and refreshing break. If that person were a date, I'd probably feel the need to cut them out of my life ASAP.
So the question for you is this- is this one behaviour (and the stress it causes you) outweighs the chemistry between the two of you?
posted by xm at 1:17 PM on May 31, 2012
Personally, this much contact for me makes me think the other person is mentally/emotionally imbalanced. And then, I want to run. I had a similar experience with a friend, not even a date. I got three text messages in one evening asking for the next potential get-together (when we had met twice over the previous weekend). I distanced myself by emailing her the next day (we also use email a bit). I had mentioned to her that work keeps me rather busy and I can't go out all the time but it didn't seem to make much of a difference. I do understand where she was coming from but here is what made me distance myself: I realized that the thought of just responding to her, anticipating meeting her when I didn't want to and trying to be polite, because that's what I thought was the *right* thing to do, was stressing me out. And this is when hanging out with friends is supposed to be a great and refreshing break. If that person were a date, I'd probably feel the need to cut them out of my life ASAP.
So the question for you is this- is this one behaviour (and the stress it causes you) outweighs the chemistry between the two of you?
posted by xm at 1:17 PM on May 31, 2012
You can talk to her, tell her what you're like and what your communication style is. You can tell her you prefer to have a lot of independent time, and to develop a relationship slowly. She sounds kind of needy, but she may just have a different style. If you like her, be honest. Maybe she'll chill. If not, then let her down gently but firmly.
posted by theora55 at 3:21 PM on May 31, 2012
posted by theora55 at 3:21 PM on May 31, 2012
I think you should break up with her a 12 day relationship shouldn't be that hard and to be honest it doesn't sound to me like you like her all that much.
Stuff like this "she lacks the social skills and/or empathy to realize that you're not into this level of contact. " is total bullshit when you're not giving her any indication you don't like this level of contact. As long as you return her texts, accept her offers to come over and give other signals that you enjoy her company why would she think you didn't?
Extroverts aren't mind readers and they all aren't mentally stunted boors either. It sounds like this girl really likes you and thats fine but if you don't like her as much just let it go.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 3:39 PM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
Stuff like this "she lacks the social skills and/or empathy to realize that you're not into this level of contact. " is total bullshit when you're not giving her any indication you don't like this level of contact. As long as you return her texts, accept her offers to come over and give other signals that you enjoy her company why would she think you didn't?
Extroverts aren't mind readers and they all aren't mentally stunted boors either. It sounds like this girl really likes you and thats fine but if you don't like her as much just let it go.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 3:39 PM on May 31, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am not following the logic that "high level of contact" is analogous to "long-term/serious relationship." I know that some people talk to/text/whatever more with their SO when they are no longer "just dating" but that seems like something you'd never be comfortable with anyway, OP. I mean, if you are the type of person who needs a few days a week to yourself, then even in a serious relationship you'd likely still be that type of person, even if your SO was less intense/outgoing than this woman is.
posted by sm1tten at 5:25 PM on May 31, 2012
posted by sm1tten at 5:25 PM on May 31, 2012
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posted by cortex (staff) at 8:28 AM on June 1, 2012
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:50 AM on May 31, 2012 [23 favorites]