hi dad! oh yeah, you're a dad btw.
May 25, 2012 8:33 AM Subscribe
meeting dad... who doesn't know he's a dad.
asking for a friend.
my pal is near 30, adopted, and has never met her bio dad. in fact, he doesn't even know she exists. he was never in a relationship with the bio mom.
through the magic of the internet, she knows where he is, his profession, and that he doesn't have a family. it may be possible to get his contact information.
she is thinking of reaching out to him at some point, but is in no rush. this is obviously scary as hell... AND because she's one of the most thoughtful people ever, is also agonizing over how this will come to affect him.
have you been in either of these situations? how did you approach them? how did you respond to finding out you were a parent? what do you wish had happened differently? do you have any regrets, either way?
or if you have never been in this position -- what would you do? she has obviously been ruminating on it for so long that it's probably tough to see all the options and possibilities. you know?
so yeah. it's scary, exciting, terrifying, potentially awesome, potentially not... just, a lot.
it would mean a lot to hear from folks who have lived experience with this, but also nice to just have some validation, feedback and insight from the thoughtful greenboard masses.
asking for a friend.
my pal is near 30, adopted, and has never met her bio dad. in fact, he doesn't even know she exists. he was never in a relationship with the bio mom.
through the magic of the internet, she knows where he is, his profession, and that he doesn't have a family. it may be possible to get his contact information.
she is thinking of reaching out to him at some point, but is in no rush. this is obviously scary as hell... AND because she's one of the most thoughtful people ever, is also agonizing over how this will come to affect him.
have you been in either of these situations? how did you approach them? how did you respond to finding out you were a parent? what do you wish had happened differently? do you have any regrets, either way?
or if you have never been in this position -- what would you do? she has obviously been ruminating on it for so long that it's probably tough to see all the options and possibilities. you know?
so yeah. it's scary, exciting, terrifying, potentially awesome, potentially not... just, a lot.
it would mean a lot to hear from folks who have lived experience with this, but also nice to just have some validation, feedback and insight from the thoughtful greenboard masses.
Gosh, this is a tough one, but I'd send an email, not laying on any emotion or anything, "just the facts".
Dear Mr. So-and-So,
I am an adopted person and while I love my family and am very grateful to have grown up with them, I thought it would be interesting to find out about my biological parents.
It turns out that there's a possibility that you might be my biological father.I'm sure this comes as a shock to you, and I'm sorry about that. I am intersted in meeting you to fill in some gaps in my biological history.
I know that this is a lot to wrap your head around, and I understand that and want to respect your privacy, however, it's tricky to know how to proceed in situations such as this.
Please be assured that I am not looking for any emotional attachments or anything like that. I'm simply curious about my biological beginnings.
If you would like to discuss this with me, I can be reached at....
Sincerely,
Name
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:40 AM on May 25, 2012 [36 favorites]
Dear Mr. So-and-So,
I am an adopted person and while I love my family and am very grateful to have grown up with them, I thought it would be interesting to find out about my biological parents.
It turns out that there's a possibility that you might be my biological father.I'm sure this comes as a shock to you, and I'm sorry about that. I am intersted in meeting you to fill in some gaps in my biological history.
I know that this is a lot to wrap your head around, and I understand that and want to respect your privacy, however, it's tricky to know how to proceed in situations such as this.
Please be assured that I am not looking for any emotional attachments or anything like that. I'm simply curious about my biological beginnings.
If you would like to discuss this with me, I can be reached at....
Sincerely,
Name
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:40 AM on May 25, 2012 [36 favorites]
what does she hope to accomplish ?
What will she do if he totally out of hand fully rejects her, denies her, and says don't ever talk/speak/contact me, stop stalking me, go the @$%# away ?
posted by k5.user at 8:41 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
What will she do if he totally out of hand fully rejects her, denies her, and says don't ever talk/speak/contact me, stop stalking me, go the @$%# away ?
posted by k5.user at 8:41 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
he was never in a relationship with the bio mom.
What does this mean? Was it a one-night stand, or was he an anonymous sperm donor?
posted by jon1270 at 8:41 AM on May 25, 2012
What does this mean? Was it a one-night stand, or was he an anonymous sperm donor?
posted by jon1270 at 8:41 AM on May 25, 2012
Response by poster: to answer chrisfromthelc and jon1270 -- one night stand, she is adopted, AKA, she did not grow up with the bio mom. forget bio mom altogether, not part of picture.
posted by crawfo at 8:42 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by crawfo at 8:42 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
to answer chrisfromthelc and jon1270 -- one night stand, she is adopted, AKA, she did not grow up with the bio mom. forget bio mom altogether, not part of picture.
In that case, a letter as suggested above. And, if there's no answer, that's that; I wouldn't push it.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
In that case, a letter as suggested above. And, if there's no answer, that's that; I wouldn't push it.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I like Ruthless Bunny's approach but would send a handwritten letter instead of an e-mail.
+1
I know I would delete an email like that assuming it was spam.
posted by zombieApoc at 8:48 AM on May 25, 2012 [27 favorites]
I would contact him. One, he took that risk when he had sex with someone, so I don't see a need to spare him that knowledge. He could have made a choice not to have sex. Two, it seems to be so sad to go through life having such large information kept from you. I don't know how he will react, but it might be an amazing joy for him. So, in regards to the dad, yes, tell him.
In regards to your friend, life is too short to not take that chance to connect. Go for it.
posted by Vaike at 8:49 AM on May 25, 2012 [30 favorites]
In regards to your friend, life is too short to not take that chance to connect. Go for it.
posted by Vaike at 8:49 AM on May 25, 2012 [30 favorites]
I would lean more on emphasising needing to know family medical history than mere curiosity.
posted by batmonkey at 8:50 AM on May 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by batmonkey at 8:50 AM on May 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
This has all sorts of problems attached to it and I'd strongly suggest that your friend went through a third party.
If "dad" is superhumanly amazing, he'll take in all the facts immediately and respond in just the way your friend wants that validates whatever preconceptions or expectations she has.
But he won't do that. At least not immediately and maybe not at all. My aunt was adopted and when she went to go see the birth mother it did not go well. That said, I just met a woman who gave away her child at 18 and has an amazing relationship with her daughter.
The key to the failure in the first instance and the success in the second is expectations: in the first case, the adoptee had built up an entire [shared] history, person, personality behind the parent that just wasn't there. She had had 30 years to think about it. A lot. In the second, the birth parent had always regretted giving away her baby under duress and had given her daughter a lot of thought.
I summary: birth dad isn't going to go from 0-60 on this just by being told he's dad. He's going to need time, and he may just turn around, shrug his shoulders and walk away. He needs some protection, but your friend really needs it. She needs to go through an experienced third party to make this even stand a chance of working. They exist. She should use one.
posted by MuffinMan at 8:51 AM on May 25, 2012 [14 favorites]
If "dad" is superhumanly amazing, he'll take in all the facts immediately and respond in just the way your friend wants that validates whatever preconceptions or expectations she has.
But he won't do that. At least not immediately and maybe not at all. My aunt was adopted and when she went to go see the birth mother it did not go well. That said, I just met a woman who gave away her child at 18 and has an amazing relationship with her daughter.
The key to the failure in the first instance and the success in the second is expectations: in the first case, the adoptee had built up an entire [shared] history, person, personality behind the parent that just wasn't there. She had had 30 years to think about it. A lot. In the second, the birth parent had always regretted giving away her baby under duress and had given her daughter a lot of thought.
I summary: birth dad isn't going to go from 0-60 on this just by being told he's dad. He's going to need time, and he may just turn around, shrug his shoulders and walk away. He needs some protection, but your friend really needs it. She needs to go through an experienced third party to make this even stand a chance of working. They exist. She should use one.
posted by MuffinMan at 8:51 AM on May 25, 2012 [14 favorites]
How did she find out about him? Is there any way she could provide some kind of verification that he is her father or a reason that she suspects he is her father? "I'm your daughter" might be a hard sell.
posted by Katine at 8:52 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Katine at 8:52 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
To ruthlessbunny's letter I would add that in addition to not looking for some emotional relationship, I was also not looking for any kind of financial support whatsoever.
posted by Occula at 9:05 AM on May 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by Occula at 9:05 AM on May 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
LetterÅ "Hello, stranger. I think I'm your daughter. Here's why. [show him the evidence, explain it all] If you're interested, I'm willing to take a genetic test (and pay for yours) to prove it one way or the other. If it turns out you aren't my father, maybe we can still go out and have a drink and a laugh together. Whaddya say? And if not that, can I at least get some pictures of us together? It would mean a lot to me and my children and my children's children and my children's children's children..."
The odds are very good that he will go along with her. Why not? He's not married, so there's no danger of, for example, revealing a secret to a wife.
posted by pracowity at 9:08 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
The odds are very good that he will go along with her. Why not? He's not married, so there's no danger of, for example, revealing a secret to a wife.
posted by pracowity at 9:08 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Those of us who are old enough to have had one-night-stands thirty years ago do not always remember the names of the people with whom we had them. How she can be so sure of who he is given that bio-mom is not part of the picture? In any case a handrwitten note like the one suggested above would be good.
posted by mareli at 9:42 AM on May 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by mareli at 9:42 AM on May 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
The question "what does she intend to accomplish" is meant to be rhetorical, for the daughter to think about before she contacts her (possible) bio father. It's a crucial question to ask.
A close family member was adopted, but though she has tried to contact her biological parents (for medical/biological history), they ignored her letter(s) and refused any communications. As she already deals with feelings of rejection from being given up at birth, this has been really really rough. She holds out hope that they will change their minds, and they continue to ignore her.
There is a chance this can happen. There is a chance it can go badly. Talking to a therapist would be a good idea before contact is made.
posted by aabbbiee at 9:59 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
A close family member was adopted, but though she has tried to contact her biological parents (for medical/biological history), they ignored her letter(s) and refused any communications. As she already deals with feelings of rejection from being given up at birth, this has been really really rough. She holds out hope that they will change their minds, and they continue to ignore her.
There is a chance this can happen. There is a chance it can go badly. Talking to a therapist would be a good idea before contact is made.
posted by aabbbiee at 9:59 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I join the chorus asking: how is she sure it's this guy? That said, I think it's a great idea, and actually, can't go worse than it already is. By nature of being adopted, you're starting from a point of rejection by bio-parents. It can't really go down from there. It can, however, go up, especially if he doesn't have kids.
I suggest a letter, saying your friend believes herself to be his biological child, as result of Y incident, Z timing, birth mother is named A. That she doesn't want to make hasty assumptions, though, and so is offering to pay for the cost of genetic testing, she would appreciate his help. Could include something about medical history if desired.
I would not, absolutely not, say "I'm not looking for emotional or financial attachment." It limits things right off the bat and puts it into "I'm not trying to scam you, I swear!" And who knows? Again, as he has no kids, he might be very interested at that age to find out he has an adult kid and a potential broader family than he thought.
posted by corb at 10:08 AM on May 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
I suggest a letter, saying your friend believes herself to be his biological child, as result of Y incident, Z timing, birth mother is named A. That she doesn't want to make hasty assumptions, though, and so is offering to pay for the cost of genetic testing, she would appreciate his help. Could include something about medical history if desired.
I would not, absolutely not, say "I'm not looking for emotional or financial attachment." It limits things right off the bat and puts it into "I'm not trying to scam you, I swear!" And who knows? Again, as he has no kids, he might be very interested at that age to find out he has an adult kid and a potential broader family than he thought.
posted by corb at 10:08 AM on May 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
I'd go with a handwritten letter. I'd also mention in your letter what you're doing in your life, to make it clear that you're not looking for support of any kind. I'm not sure how to handle the big reveal, because like others I have some questions about the certainty of 30 y/o memories, one night stands, etc., so I'll jump right in at the midpoint.
I am thirty years old. I am an architect working in New York City. I mostly work on developing renovation plans for large condos and apartment in the city, though my work occasionally takes me elsewhere in the Northeast. I have been dating a computer programmer named Paul(ina) for three years.
Or whatever. Make it clear from the letter that you have a substantial, interesting, fulfilling life and career absent him, and that you aren't looking for a new focus for your life, you'd just like to add him (in some way) to your already fulfilling life.
Also since the writer is the result of a one night stand where (presumably) child support would have been due, I would do my best to make it crystal clear you're not looking for anything like that. As a prospective adult parent, my first thoughts would be a) why did I never know that I was the parent of a child, and have no opportunity to take responsibility for the child myself if the bio Mom didn't want to be a parent and b) Oh shit. I owe 18 years of back child support. I don't have that kind of money!
The goal is not to seem threatening in any way to him (financially, emotionally, personally) but open him up to the possibility of a relationship that would be mutually beneficial for both. Take it slow, take it easy, and don't let your friend invest too much into this working out.
posted by arnicae at 10:10 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I am thirty years old. I am an architect working in New York City. I mostly work on developing renovation plans for large condos and apartment in the city, though my work occasionally takes me elsewhere in the Northeast. I have been dating a computer programmer named Paul(ina) for three years.
Or whatever. Make it clear from the letter that you have a substantial, interesting, fulfilling life and career absent him, and that you aren't looking for a new focus for your life, you'd just like to add him (in some way) to your already fulfilling life.
Also since the writer is the result of a one night stand where (presumably) child support would have been due, I would do my best to make it crystal clear you're not looking for anything like that. As a prospective adult parent, my first thoughts would be a) why did I never know that I was the parent of a child, and have no opportunity to take responsibility for the child myself if the bio Mom didn't want to be a parent and b) Oh shit. I owe 18 years of back child support. I don't have that kind of money!
The goal is not to seem threatening in any way to him (financially, emotionally, personally) but open him up to the possibility of a relationship that would be mutually beneficial for both. Take it slow, take it easy, and don't let your friend invest too much into this working out.
posted by arnicae at 10:10 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Most people you don't know who contact you pretending to be long-lost family are running a longer-term confidence scam. They milk several people at once, usually using obituary notices to find their next victims (it's a good way to insinuate themselves into somebody's life without it being questioned too much, since the person who could refute their story is dead). After a couple of months of building emotional rapport, they gradually go for the wallet. It's subtle and not always immediately obvious.
Your friend needs to be aware of this and be prepared (and preferably offer right away) to prove her bona fides beyond a shadow of a doubt. To give you some perspective, I've had people approach me in a similar way (not claiming to be my kids but rather that they were related to my biodad) and I didn't even bother responding, since they didn't offer some way to prove their authenticity at all.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:11 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your friend needs to be aware of this and be prepared (and preferably offer right away) to prove her bona fides beyond a shadow of a doubt. To give you some perspective, I've had people approach me in a similar way (not claiming to be my kids but rather that they were related to my biodad) and I didn't even bother responding, since they didn't offer some way to prove their authenticity at all.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:11 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd caution your friend about heading into this without some support from people well familiar with such situations. In Canada, I'd start with Parent Finders and I'm sure there are similar groups in the US. Adoption Reunions is an excellent book that outlines some of the process and expectations. It was written in the early 1990s so may be a bit dated, but the content is sound. An adoption reunion or adoptees support group will be able to help her verify her findings and find the best language to use to reach out to him. They may even be willing to make appropriate contact on her behalf, to help alleviate his possible fears of being scammed.
Once she's got some support, encourage your friend to take a "hope for the best, expect the worst" position. Bio dad may be delighted or he may be devastated. He may embrace or reject her. She needs to know before going into it that she can have peace with whatever the outcome is. If she has her heart set on a particular outcome, she may be wise to postpone reaching out and perhaps get some counsellng from someone experienced in adoption reunions until she can feel comfortable accepting whatever happens. It's the expectations that will get her down.
I met my birth mother when I was in my early 20s and I firmly believe that it was the lack of expectations of each other and of the potential relationship that allowed us to get to know each other and build a strong connection over time. We treated each other like the strangers that we were; we were each friendly and warm but not too familiar. I recently met my birth father and am going through a similar process with him, getting to know each other slowly and trying not to assume a connection that doesn't exist.
My birth father knew I existed and we were brought together by a third-party who facilitated the reunion. Prior to that, I had held off searching for him out of fear of being rejected. I might have held off indefinitely if events hadn't gone the way they did; my fear was pretty strong. But, in my case, it was unfounded, and I met a kind and caring man. The same could be true for your friend. I hope it will be.
posted by GreenEyed at 10:18 AM on May 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
Once she's got some support, encourage your friend to take a "hope for the best, expect the worst" position. Bio dad may be delighted or he may be devastated. He may embrace or reject her. She needs to know before going into it that she can have peace with whatever the outcome is. If she has her heart set on a particular outcome, she may be wise to postpone reaching out and perhaps get some counsellng from someone experienced in adoption reunions until she can feel comfortable accepting whatever happens. It's the expectations that will get her down.
I met my birth mother when I was in my early 20s and I firmly believe that it was the lack of expectations of each other and of the potential relationship that allowed us to get to know each other and build a strong connection over time. We treated each other like the strangers that we were; we were each friendly and warm but not too familiar. I recently met my birth father and am going through a similar process with him, getting to know each other slowly and trying not to assume a connection that doesn't exist.
My birth father knew I existed and we were brought together by a third-party who facilitated the reunion. Prior to that, I had held off searching for him out of fear of being rejected. I might have held off indefinitely if events hadn't gone the way they did; my fear was pretty strong. But, in my case, it was unfounded, and I met a kind and caring man. The same could be true for your friend. I hope it will be.
posted by GreenEyed at 10:18 AM on May 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
Is there any way your friend can vet this guy before she contacts him? Maybe she'd be the one to wish she'd never made contact. There's a reason why the bio mom gave her up for adoption, probably several reasons, although the quality of the prospective father might have had nothing to do with it. Having a trusted friend or a third party along with her for the ride is of critical importance, I think.
I will say, though, that my first reaction was a vote for the "contact with extreme caution" option. It could turn out very well for both of them.
posted by Currer Belfry at 10:35 AM on May 25, 2012
I will say, though, that my first reaction was a vote for the "contact with extreme caution" option. It could turn out very well for both of them.
posted by Currer Belfry at 10:35 AM on May 25, 2012
Those of us who are old enough to have had one-night-stands thirty years ago do not always remember the names of the people with whom we had them.
posted by mareli
This was my thought right away.
I think a good strategy might be to contact bio-mom first. Certainly she'll recall giving birth. Even if it turn out SHE doesn't want to have a relationship, she may be useful in confirming that this guy is actually the father. If she says, "oh yeah, you're the kid I gave up after my one-nighter with him" then at least there's more to go on when approaching the father.
posted by blaneyphoto at 11:01 AM on May 25, 2012
posted by mareli
This was my thought right away.
I think a good strategy might be to contact bio-mom first. Certainly she'll recall giving birth. Even if it turn out SHE doesn't want to have a relationship, she may be useful in confirming that this guy is actually the father. If she says, "oh yeah, you're the kid I gave up after my one-nighter with him" then at least there's more to go on when approaching the father.
posted by blaneyphoto at 11:01 AM on May 25, 2012
As an adoptee who has met both bio-parents, crawfo, please allow me to address your friend directly. You're stepping into a snake pit. Yeah, bio-dad could be a wonderful guy who owns an art gallery, reads all the same books you do, has a personal connection to an artist you admire and loads to tell you about your family's medical history. That's one of my biological parents.
The other is an alcoholic and a paranoid schizophrenic who believes that the government controls her activities via messages transmitted to her and others through the fillings in her teeth. I should say former fillings, because she's had them all removed. What I'm getting at here is that you can't know anything about this person, including whether he is truly your father.
You have a whole worm-can of questions to consider before you act. Where are your adoptive parents? What have you been told about your adoption story? Were you adopted as an infant? Do you remember anything yourself? Any siblings related by blood? Have you registered with Soundex? Any other adult adoptee support organizations? Do you know the name of the attorney or social worker (my case was in the U.S., so I can't speak about other countries) who handled your case? If that person is living, can you contact them?
I have a sort of stilted relationship with Steve, my bio-dad. He's a lovely guy who looks a lot like me, but he's got issues of his own. I was glad to know him, he was relieved that I turned out so much like him, but we're strangers. And I have parents, who knew my bio-family and my and my brother's story. Steve's extended family has kind of claimed me. He has no other kids and is extremely closeted (I'm the only blood relative who knows), so they've really latched onto me as his "heir," a role I'm reluctant to take.
Anyway, it's not all about you, S'Tella. Every adoption story is different. MeMail me if you want to discuss this further.
posted by S'Tella Fabula at 11:02 AM on May 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
The other is an alcoholic and a paranoid schizophrenic who believes that the government controls her activities via messages transmitted to her and others through the fillings in her teeth. I should say former fillings, because she's had them all removed. What I'm getting at here is that you can't know anything about this person, including whether he is truly your father.
You have a whole worm-can of questions to consider before you act. Where are your adoptive parents? What have you been told about your adoption story? Were you adopted as an infant? Do you remember anything yourself? Any siblings related by blood? Have you registered with Soundex? Any other adult adoptee support organizations? Do you know the name of the attorney or social worker (my case was in the U.S., so I can't speak about other countries) who handled your case? If that person is living, can you contact them?
I have a sort of stilted relationship with Steve, my bio-dad. He's a lovely guy who looks a lot like me, but he's got issues of his own. I was glad to know him, he was relieved that I turned out so much like him, but we're strangers. And I have parents, who knew my bio-family and my and my brother's story. Steve's extended family has kind of claimed me. He has no other kids and is extremely closeted (I'm the only blood relative who knows), so they've really latched onto me as his "heir," a role I'm reluctant to take.
Anyway, it's not all about you, S'Tella. Every adoption story is different. MeMail me if you want to discuss this further.
posted by S'Tella Fabula at 11:02 AM on May 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
My first thought was, unmarried guy, one night stand 30 years ago...what if he's the lead performer in the World's Best Drag Revue? Is she prepared for that eventuality? I'd say using the third party for a little more information might be the best suggestion here.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 11:03 AM on May 25, 2012
posted by halfbuckaroo at 11:03 AM on May 25, 2012
...what if he's the lead performer in the World's Best Drag Revue? Is she prepared for that eventuality?
This would be so awesome if true, but halfbuckaroo we can't all be that likely. In all likelihood he is some sort of boring banker or something. However, if he is the lead performer in the World's Best Drag Revue, that would be great!
posted by arnicae at 11:12 AM on May 25, 2012
This would be so awesome if true, but halfbuckaroo we can't all be that likely. In all likelihood he is some sort of boring banker or something. However, if he is the lead performer in the World's Best Drag Revue, that would be great!
posted by arnicae at 11:12 AM on May 25, 2012
Someone I love very much and am very close to went through something exactly like this. I sent you a memail.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:19 AM on May 25, 2012
posted by pazazygeek at 11:19 AM on May 25, 2012
First off, she should be prepared for the fact that this guy is not actually her father. There's no proof without genetic testing - I hate to be negative but honestly, the bio mom may or may not know the truth herself.
Second off, here is my somewhat tangential story: when I was married to my ex, his (quite possibly certifiable) mother was found by one of her bio children. We hadn't know about this - it's kind of a shock to find out from your mother that you aren't an only child after all and in fact you have TWO YOUNGER siblings who were both given up for adoption. (I think this explains a lot about my ex husband but that's neither here nor there.) Anyway, this perfectly lovely woman appeared in our lives and hung out for a while. She was kind of straighter than we were and certainly than my ex and his mother. My ex MIL was a back to land hippie, an artist and, like I said, really pretty damn insane. She barely raised her son, who had a lot of problems himself and never graduated high school, etc. The two siblings, however, had done quite well. The sister had a real job, a husband, a child and a nice house in a good neighborhood. The other sibling was a lawyer (they were adopted by two separate families and never knew about each other either) and refused to have anything to do with any of us but apparently met once or twice with the sister.
Seeing all this material success from my ex and his mother's standpoint was like seeing a wide open candy store. Ex MIL decided to start begging her newly found daughter for money quite soon after the contact and that was eventually the end of the relationship. It was kind of horribly embarrassing - I heard a lot about it at the time. Ex MIL didn't give up easily and I think there may have eventually been fairly strong measures taken, probably not to the restraining order level but close. Ex MIL, for the record, also had no sure and certain knowledge of who the fathers of any of these three children were, although she was pretty convinced in my ex's case. Nobody will ever know for sure: he only met his father once; it didn't go well and that was before genetic testing was possible. Ex MIL had suspicions about the fathers of the other two and that's what she put down on the birth certificate that I guess the nuns demanded - all this was done through Catholic Charities in Baltimore in the 60s. Suspicions, mind you, not certainties.
Sorry for all this longwinded anecdata! Basically, though, what I want to say to your friend that her bio dad may a) not be the person she's researched on the internet and b) even if he is, indeed may not be at all what she is expecting and things can go badly in unexpected ways.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:31 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Second off, here is my somewhat tangential story: when I was married to my ex, his (quite possibly certifiable) mother was found by one of her bio children. We hadn't know about this - it's kind of a shock to find out from your mother that you aren't an only child after all and in fact you have TWO YOUNGER siblings who were both given up for adoption. (I think this explains a lot about my ex husband but that's neither here nor there.) Anyway, this perfectly lovely woman appeared in our lives and hung out for a while. She was kind of straighter than we were and certainly than my ex and his mother. My ex MIL was a back to land hippie, an artist and, like I said, really pretty damn insane. She barely raised her son, who had a lot of problems himself and never graduated high school, etc. The two siblings, however, had done quite well. The sister had a real job, a husband, a child and a nice house in a good neighborhood. The other sibling was a lawyer (they were adopted by two separate families and never knew about each other either) and refused to have anything to do with any of us but apparently met once or twice with the sister.
Seeing all this material success from my ex and his mother's standpoint was like seeing a wide open candy store. Ex MIL decided to start begging her newly found daughter for money quite soon after the contact and that was eventually the end of the relationship. It was kind of horribly embarrassing - I heard a lot about it at the time. Ex MIL didn't give up easily and I think there may have eventually been fairly strong measures taken, probably not to the restraining order level but close. Ex MIL, for the record, also had no sure and certain knowledge of who the fathers of any of these three children were, although she was pretty convinced in my ex's case. Nobody will ever know for sure: he only met his father once; it didn't go well and that was before genetic testing was possible. Ex MIL had suspicions about the fathers of the other two and that's what she put down on the birth certificate that I guess the nuns demanded - all this was done through Catholic Charities in Baltimore in the 60s. Suspicions, mind you, not certainties.
Sorry for all this longwinded anecdata! Basically, though, what I want to say to your friend that her bio dad may a) not be the person she's researched on the internet and b) even if he is, indeed may not be at all what she is expecting and things can go badly in unexpected ways.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:31 AM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm from a different side of the adoption "triad," with a complicated history, as they usually are. The bottom line for me is that knowing is better than not knowing. Wondering is worse than rejection. It really, really is better to risk a painful rejection, even BE painfully rejected, than it is to wonder forever.
I think a hand-written letter is better than email, or a phone call if your friend can manage the nerve, it's a scary first step.
Good luck to her.
posted by upatree at 12:17 PM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think a hand-written letter is better than email, or a phone call if your friend can manage the nerve, it's a scary first step.
Good luck to her.
posted by upatree at 12:17 PM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
nthing Ruthless Bunny's note, but as a letter not an email..... the benefit to old-fashioned handwritten letters is that they give you more chance to think things over --- not only would such an email out of the blue seem weird, but it's easier to delete an email after a quick horrified reading and then regret it, wishing you could recall it, than it is to do the equivalent with a written letter. She should include not only her name and address, but a throwaway email and a phone number in that letter, too: give the man every opportunity to respond. (And don't be angry if it takes him a while to respond, or he doesn't respond at all.)
By the way, is she absolutely 100% POSITIVE he doesn't know about her? One of my neices was afraid for years to contact her birth father, believing he didn't know about her; when she finally got up the nerve to write him, she found he'd died just months earlier, he DID know about her, and he too was afraid to reach out. Very sad --- support your friend, and don't let her wait until it's too late.
posted by easily confused at 3:37 PM on May 25, 2012
By the way, is she absolutely 100% POSITIVE he doesn't know about her? One of my neices was afraid for years to contact her birth father, believing he didn't know about her; when she finally got up the nerve to write him, she found he'd died just months earlier, he DID know about her, and he too was afraid to reach out. Very sad --- support your friend, and don't let her wait until it's too late.
posted by easily confused at 3:37 PM on May 25, 2012
Contacting through Facebook might be a workable middle ground between email and a handwritten letter. Someone I know was contacted by his biological child this way. Obviously Facebook can be faked but it provides the other person with a photo and biographical details right away, without the necessity of meeting.
posted by gentian at 4:35 PM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by gentian at 4:35 PM on May 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
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I'd be highly suspect if some random person suddenly appeared and said they were my kid without any third party verification. It comes off as very, very, crazy person to me.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 8:40 AM on May 25, 2012 [8 favorites]