Family Dynamics
May 21, 2012 6:43 PM Subscribe
How do I learn to feel safe around my family?
I love my family, I really do. But, I've noticed that I don't feel safe around them. Perhaps this is because of certain issues- my father had a drinking habit (he would drink on a nightly basis while sitting alone in the dining room), my mother had an unpredictable temper, and I always felt like an outcast in my own family.
My father never hit any of us, but he would say a lot of harsh words and I didn't feel safe or comfortable around him whenever he started to drink. All of us tried to distance ourselves away from my father by spending time alone in our rooms or outside of the house. My siblings said that my dad was an alcoholic although I'm unsure about that. I think he just had a drinking problem which greatly affected our family. I hated the feeling of knowing that he had brought home alcohol and as an adolescent, I poured all of his alcohol down the drain because I was so upset. I don't remember what he said when he was drunk, I just know that he was very unpleasant to be around.
My mother had an unpredictable temper and I remember one time where she hit me 20 times in a row for staying up late as my father watched too speechless to say anything. She would use whatever was in her reach to hit me whenever she was angry. My mom used to hit me a lot whenever she was angry. I don't know if this is 'normal' or if this qualifies as abuse. The most that she ever hit me was 20 times in a row, but other than that one time, it was never that excessive. My mother never apologized for her actions or harsh words. I was usually left to apologize in order to reduce the tension between us. She eventually stopped hitting me, but she still said a lot of awful things which I don't remember. She still sometimes says mean things to me.
My mother is a very outspoken religious person and if something or someone doesn't mean her expectations then she will criticize without thinking about the impact that her words have on others. My family used to call me big mouth when I was younger because I would try to defend myself against the five of them. I was always left to apologize for whatever situations or things were completely ignored such as the times when my mother hit me as a kid or the harsh words that she's said to me as an adult. I don't remember these incidents very well. I know that nobody ever stuck up for me though which is why I tried so hard to defend myself. I also know that these experience left enough of an impact on me to make me feel unsafe around my family even though I like them. I feel scared when I think about being in my mother's presence, but once I'm actually there it's not as terrifying.
My mother's always had a strange way of expressing her feelings. For instance, once she became so angry at me for saying that I intended on moving to a different city after post-secondary education that she didn't talk to me during at two hour car-ride. I think she's scared of losing control and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her. Other family members just say that is just the way she is, but I've stated that I refuse to put up with this.
All of this left an impact on me where I felt like I could never trust my family, felt too uncomfortable when around them, and resulted in me distancing myself from my entire family. I just never felt like I fit into the picture. Who I am (as a person) and what I want from life are very different compared to what they want and they struggle with understanding me and my way of life. The five of them are very close to each other because they still live together and share similar values.
I knew that I had to distance myself in order to live my life because otherwise, I would end up doing things that didn't work for me (as a person) and the type of life that I wanted to create for myself. I still feel trapped despite living in a different city because I am in my early 20s and question if I'll be 'allowed' to do certain things and that's when I remind myself that I feel like an adult, am legally an adult, and am in control of my own life.
For about 6 months last year, I completely ignored my mother. I wouldn't answer her phone calls or respond to any other method of communication. This caused a lot of trouble for my entire family because my mother was unpleasant to be around and everyone else felt stuck in the middle.
Today, I never initiate contact with my family unless they seek out contact first. My mother doesn't call me (thankfully) and I only respond to text messages when I want to do so.
My family members are good people. They are always willing to ask me if I need any financial help, they donate to charities, and help others in need. I'm still completing my undergrad so I still rely on them to pay my rent although I pay for everything else. I will be taking over this amount once I'm done school and have a new place in September.
But, for some reason all of these experiences have left me feeling unsafe around them for years. I really think they did the best that they could. I wish I didn't feel this way because I'd love to have a close relationship with my family members, but I need to feel safe around them rather than anxious and trapped when I think about my identity and my future. What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
I love my family, I really do. But, I've noticed that I don't feel safe around them. Perhaps this is because of certain issues- my father had a drinking habit (he would drink on a nightly basis while sitting alone in the dining room), my mother had an unpredictable temper, and I always felt like an outcast in my own family.
My father never hit any of us, but he would say a lot of harsh words and I didn't feel safe or comfortable around him whenever he started to drink. All of us tried to distance ourselves away from my father by spending time alone in our rooms or outside of the house. My siblings said that my dad was an alcoholic although I'm unsure about that. I think he just had a drinking problem which greatly affected our family. I hated the feeling of knowing that he had brought home alcohol and as an adolescent, I poured all of his alcohol down the drain because I was so upset. I don't remember what he said when he was drunk, I just know that he was very unpleasant to be around.
My mother had an unpredictable temper and I remember one time where she hit me 20 times in a row for staying up late as my father watched too speechless to say anything. She would use whatever was in her reach to hit me whenever she was angry. My mom used to hit me a lot whenever she was angry. I don't know if this is 'normal' or if this qualifies as abuse. The most that she ever hit me was 20 times in a row, but other than that one time, it was never that excessive. My mother never apologized for her actions or harsh words. I was usually left to apologize in order to reduce the tension between us. She eventually stopped hitting me, but she still said a lot of awful things which I don't remember. She still sometimes says mean things to me.
My mother is a very outspoken religious person and if something or someone doesn't mean her expectations then she will criticize without thinking about the impact that her words have on others. My family used to call me big mouth when I was younger because I would try to defend myself against the five of them. I was always left to apologize for whatever situations or things were completely ignored such as the times when my mother hit me as a kid or the harsh words that she's said to me as an adult. I don't remember these incidents very well. I know that nobody ever stuck up for me though which is why I tried so hard to defend myself. I also know that these experience left enough of an impact on me to make me feel unsafe around my family even though I like them. I feel scared when I think about being in my mother's presence, but once I'm actually there it's not as terrifying.
My mother's always had a strange way of expressing her feelings. For instance, once she became so angry at me for saying that I intended on moving to a different city after post-secondary education that she didn't talk to me during at two hour car-ride. I think she's scared of losing control and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her. Other family members just say that is just the way she is, but I've stated that I refuse to put up with this.
All of this left an impact on me where I felt like I could never trust my family, felt too uncomfortable when around them, and resulted in me distancing myself from my entire family. I just never felt like I fit into the picture. Who I am (as a person) and what I want from life are very different compared to what they want and they struggle with understanding me and my way of life. The five of them are very close to each other because they still live together and share similar values.
I knew that I had to distance myself in order to live my life because otherwise, I would end up doing things that didn't work for me (as a person) and the type of life that I wanted to create for myself. I still feel trapped despite living in a different city because I am in my early 20s and question if I'll be 'allowed' to do certain things and that's when I remind myself that I feel like an adult, am legally an adult, and am in control of my own life.
For about 6 months last year, I completely ignored my mother. I wouldn't answer her phone calls or respond to any other method of communication. This caused a lot of trouble for my entire family because my mother was unpleasant to be around and everyone else felt stuck in the middle.
Today, I never initiate contact with my family unless they seek out contact first. My mother doesn't call me (thankfully) and I only respond to text messages when I want to do so.
My family members are good people. They are always willing to ask me if I need any financial help, they donate to charities, and help others in need. I'm still completing my undergrad so I still rely on them to pay my rent although I pay for everything else. I will be taking over this amount once I'm done school and have a new place in September.
But, for some reason all of these experiences have left me feeling unsafe around them for years. I really think they did the best that they could. I wish I didn't feel this way because I'd love to have a close relationship with my family members, but I need to feel safe around them rather than anxious and trapped when I think about my identity and my future. What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
And I apologize if I've put it that harshly. But, listen -- "a drinking problem which affected our family" is the very DEFINITION of alcoholism, and there IS no "normal" amount of hitting a child; any hitting a child qualifies as abuse.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:51 PM on May 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:51 PM on May 21, 2012 [19 favorites]
But, for some reason all of these experiences have left me feeling unsafe around them for years.
Well, not for some inexplicable and bizarre reason. You don't feel safe around them because they are not safe people.
Step one to being safe around your family is to respect, believe and listen your sense of danger. You won't be able to keep yourself safe while arguing with yourself that you shouldn't feel as you do.
Or. What EmpressCallipygos said.
posted by space_cookie at 6:53 PM on May 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Well, not for some inexplicable and bizarre reason. You don't feel safe around them because they are not safe people.
Step one to being safe around your family is to respect, believe and listen your sense of danger. You won't be able to keep yourself safe while arguing with yourself that you shouldn't feel as you do.
Or. What EmpressCallipygos said.
posted by space_cookie at 6:53 PM on May 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
I don't think it's normal to be hit with objects by your mom when she happens to lose her temper, over even something as innocuous as staying up late. I think that someone who drinks nightly until he has no inhibitions about the nasty things he says to his own children is an alcoholic.
It seems very normal to me not to feel safe around people who turned your home into a minefield for all your formative years.
Can you get therapy through your undergraduate institution? It's generally a really great time to get help, because counseling is usually available through your university/college's health system.
posted by palliser at 6:55 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
It seems very normal to me not to feel safe around people who turned your home into a minefield for all your formative years.
Can you get therapy through your undergraduate institution? It's generally a really great time to get help, because counseling is usually available through your university/college's health system.
posted by palliser at 6:55 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Asking how to feel safe around a verbally abusive person with a serious alcohol problem and a physically abusive person with an anger problem is like asking how to feel safe around a rabid raccoon and a hungry crocodile. You don't feel safe because you're not safe. Members of your family have abused you for years, both physically and emotionally, and you have every reason to believe that they'll continue to do so if you give them the chance. Your fear is protecting you from some genuinely bad things that, if you let your guard down, would likely seriously hurt you, as they have in the past. We don't blame a venomous snake that bites when it senses danger, but we also do our best not to put ourselves in a position to let it bite us over and over again.
You can absolutely love your family and feel compassion for them and acknowledge that they did the best they could with the emotional resources they have available to them. You can even be proud of them for helping others and grateful for the good things they've done for you. But doing all of that doesn't mean putting yourself in a position to allow them to hurt you again. You don't have to believe that they're terrible people in order to acknowledge that they're not nice to you and that it's not safe to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with them. If you've never sought counseling to talk about the effects of your childhood, you might consider doing so now. You'll likely feel better if you can find ways to feel secure in your life while acknowledging the very real threat that your family has posed to your physical and emotional safety.
posted by decathecting at 6:57 PM on May 21, 2012 [23 favorites]
You can absolutely love your family and feel compassion for them and acknowledge that they did the best they could with the emotional resources they have available to them. You can even be proud of them for helping others and grateful for the good things they've done for you. But doing all of that doesn't mean putting yourself in a position to allow them to hurt you again. You don't have to believe that they're terrible people in order to acknowledge that they're not nice to you and that it's not safe to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with them. If you've never sought counseling to talk about the effects of your childhood, you might consider doing so now. You'll likely feel better if you can find ways to feel secure in your life while acknowledging the very real threat that your family has posed to your physical and emotional safety.
posted by decathecting at 6:57 PM on May 21, 2012 [23 favorites]
Please seek therapy. It is not normal for your parents to hit you or to get so drunk that they make you feel unsafe. You feel unsafe around your family because you are unsafe around your family. They may be "good people" in other ways, but they failed you in very fundamental ways as parents.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:59 PM on May 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:59 PM on May 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Yeah, it sounds like you have good reason to feel fearful around your family; my suggestion for a practical way to feel less fear (if you want to maintain a relationship with them) is to always have a literal escape route ready to use when you feel unsafe.
So, when you're visiting your family, have someplace else you can go and a way to get there when your parents get out of hand. But you may also feel emotionally trapped with them, like taking advantage of the escape route would further anger your parents. For that, therapy and practice is probably what's going to help.
posted by mskyle at 6:59 PM on May 21, 2012
So, when you're visiting your family, have someplace else you can go and a way to get there when your parents get out of hand. But you may also feel emotionally trapped with them, like taking advantage of the escape route would further anger your parents. For that, therapy and practice is probably what's going to help.
posted by mskyle at 6:59 PM on May 21, 2012
For about 6 months last year, I completely ignored my mother. I wouldn't answer her phone calls or respond to any other method of communication. This caused a lot of trouble for my entire family because my mother was unpleasant to be around and everyone else felt stuck in the middle.
You're not responsible for your mother's reaction - your mother's reaction is her reaction. From what you've said, it appears to stem from her feelings of loss of control, but it's still her own reaction/coping mechanism.
It appears that your father is an alcoholic and your mother is abusive. This is cause for feeling unsafe. As such, you don't actually have to be around them if you don't want to be.
You can get to feeling safer by seeking individual therapy.
posted by mleigh at 7:01 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
You're not responsible for your mother's reaction - your mother's reaction is her reaction. From what you've said, it appears to stem from her feelings of loss of control, but it's still her own reaction/coping mechanism.
It appears that your father is an alcoholic and your mother is abusive. This is cause for feeling unsafe. As such, you don't actually have to be around them if you don't want to be.
You can get to feeling safer by seeking individual therapy.
posted by mleigh at 7:01 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
You were not safe as a child, and whether you are truly safe or not now has little to do with overcoming the deep, visceral survival mode that Child You was forced to enter.
Repeatedly entering that state at certain cues - dad drinking, or getting ready to drink. Dad starting up on a topic or tangent that historically led to him saying mean (verbally abusive) things to you and siblings. Mom getting violent. Feeling like you needed to protect siblings, or seeing them trying to protect you.
Well. Now, even years later, when these situations, or similar, arise, your guts get twitters. Why? Because these situations were never safe before.
Think of this in Pavlovian terms. It is very hard to get the dog to NOT salivate when the bell is rung. Why? Because the dog associates the bell with dinner. (if you're unfamiliar with this reference, Wikipedia probably has a decent enough article on Pavlov's dogs. I'm on my phone and cutting/pasting/HTML ing is not in the cards for me tonight.)
I spent a few years doing therapy for survivors of trauma, and while I don't anticipate ever feeling safe enough to contact my birth parents, I got a lot of valuable skills from dialectical behavior therapy. If you're interested in coming to terms with the aspects of your childhood that you've revealed here, DBT is really really really wonderful. I cannot say enough nice things about having a safe place to do such hard grappling with my childhood.
posted by bilabial at 7:07 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Repeatedly entering that state at certain cues - dad drinking, or getting ready to drink. Dad starting up on a topic or tangent that historically led to him saying mean (verbally abusive) things to you and siblings. Mom getting violent. Feeling like you needed to protect siblings, or seeing them trying to protect you.
Well. Now, even years later, when these situations, or similar, arise, your guts get twitters. Why? Because these situations were never safe before.
Think of this in Pavlovian terms. It is very hard to get the dog to NOT salivate when the bell is rung. Why? Because the dog associates the bell with dinner. (if you're unfamiliar with this reference, Wikipedia probably has a decent enough article on Pavlov's dogs. I'm on my phone and cutting/pasting/HTML ing is not in the cards for me tonight.)
I spent a few years doing therapy for survivors of trauma, and while I don't anticipate ever feeling safe enough to contact my birth parents, I got a lot of valuable skills from dialectical behavior therapy. If you're interested in coming to terms with the aspects of your childhood that you've revealed here, DBT is really really really wonderful. I cannot say enough nice things about having a safe place to do such hard grappling with my childhood.
posted by bilabial at 7:07 PM on May 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
anonymous, I have the sense that you are shying away from some words that maybe you don't want to be true because you feel like they may have some power over you. "Alcoholic" and "abusive" in particular. Looking at what you wrote, I definitely think (and I'm not a therapist or anything like that) that you lived in the wake of alcoholism and abuse. That's my take on what you wrote.
It's okay, though. If you get to a place where you've allowed yourself to put these words to your childhood, remember that they are there for you, the words, and you don't have to do anything with them that you don't want to do. You can whisper "my dad was an alcoholic and that was shitty: he was mean to when he drank, and he drank a lot" to yourself as you go to sleep. It's your truth. Nobody else has to carry it unless you want them to. You don't have to have a big confrontation like they have in television movies. You can just know "my mother was abusive: she hit me inappropriately and bullied me and I don't feel safe around her." Nobody else needs to know it unless you want them to.
It's hard. It feels like you're betraying them, doesn't it? But the alternative is to betray you, and you're the one that you are stuck with. You're the one whose job it is to keep you safe. And now you're an adult, you're big and strong and you have your words, but you remember how helpless you felt as a kid. It's easy to get back into that helplessness when you're around your parents. You don't like it, so you do what kids do: you passively avoid them. You don't give voice to your discomfort, you minimize it however you can. You betray yourself by not sticking up for yourself, not setting boundaries around what's appropriate and what's not. This is a survival strategy that you learned as a kid, and it's kept you alive and relatively safe, so you've kept using it. There's nothing wrong with that.
But my guess is, if you want to feel safer around your parents, you are going to have to get to a place where you can identify that they abused you, verbally and emotionally and physically. It's not the end of the world. It really isn't. It doesn't even have to be the end of your relationship with your parents. But the kid inside of you is watching you, to see whether you are going to stand up for him and protect him, and you're not going to earn his trust unless you can say, "that was not appropriate, and I know that now" about the things that hurt you. Taking care of yourself -- even if it's just identifying in your mind what is and is not appropriate -- will help you to be more at ease around your parents.
Be kind to yourself. This is something that takes time and care. A therapist can help you.
posted by gauche at 7:08 PM on May 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
It's okay, though. If you get to a place where you've allowed yourself to put these words to your childhood, remember that they are there for you, the words, and you don't have to do anything with them that you don't want to do. You can whisper "my dad was an alcoholic and that was shitty: he was mean to when he drank, and he drank a lot" to yourself as you go to sleep. It's your truth. Nobody else has to carry it unless you want them to. You don't have to have a big confrontation like they have in television movies. You can just know "my mother was abusive: she hit me inappropriately and bullied me and I don't feel safe around her." Nobody else needs to know it unless you want them to.
It's hard. It feels like you're betraying them, doesn't it? But the alternative is to betray you, and you're the one that you are stuck with. You're the one whose job it is to keep you safe. And now you're an adult, you're big and strong and you have your words, but you remember how helpless you felt as a kid. It's easy to get back into that helplessness when you're around your parents. You don't like it, so you do what kids do: you passively avoid them. You don't give voice to your discomfort, you minimize it however you can. You betray yourself by not sticking up for yourself, not setting boundaries around what's appropriate and what's not. This is a survival strategy that you learned as a kid, and it's kept you alive and relatively safe, so you've kept using it. There's nothing wrong with that.
But my guess is, if you want to feel safer around your parents, you are going to have to get to a place where you can identify that they abused you, verbally and emotionally and physically. It's not the end of the world. It really isn't. It doesn't even have to be the end of your relationship with your parents. But the kid inside of you is watching you, to see whether you are going to stand up for him and protect him, and you're not going to earn his trust unless you can say, "that was not appropriate, and I know that now" about the things that hurt you. Taking care of yourself -- even if it's just identifying in your mind what is and is not appropriate -- will help you to be more at ease around your parents.
Be kind to yourself. This is something that takes time and care. A therapist can help you.
posted by gauche at 7:08 PM on May 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
You don't feel safe around them because you haven't been safe around them. It's not your fault.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:44 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 8:44 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
From the sound of it, your current efforts to distance yourself have been successful thus far. Have you considered cutting them out of your life completely after you attain financial independence? This may mean not disclosing your new address and contact information, not inviting them to your wedding, never sending holiday presents, and the like.
I also recommend trying out therapy, if only to help you recognize that your family is dangerous and you're never going to feel safe around them.
posted by lotusmish at 8:52 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I also recommend trying out therapy, if only to help you recognize that your family is dangerous and you're never going to feel safe around them.
posted by lotusmish at 8:52 PM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Someone who has a drinking problem that affects one's family is an alcoholic.
Someone who hits their child is abusive.
It's a cliche here, but you need to find a good therapist if at all possible to help you work through this stuff. You definitely need to accept that your father is an alcoholic and your mother is abusive and that this is Not Normal and Not OK, and you are not to blame here.
Your parents make you feel unsafe because it has never been safe for you to be near them. It's not your fault. You have a legitimate reason to feel unsafe, you should feel unsafe. They are not safe people for you.
The road toward making them safe for you is a long and hard one and not one that I've traveled, so I won't presume to advise you there. I do know that it will evenually require you and your parents to recognize the harm they've done, however. I've also heard that it's not always worth it, and many childen of abusive and alcoholic parents give up hope of truly reconciling with their parents.
posted by Scientist at 9:04 PM on May 21, 2012
Someone who hits their child is abusive.
It's a cliche here, but you need to find a good therapist if at all possible to help you work through this stuff. You definitely need to accept that your father is an alcoholic and your mother is abusive and that this is Not Normal and Not OK, and you are not to blame here.
Your parents make you feel unsafe because it has never been safe for you to be near them. It's not your fault. You have a legitimate reason to feel unsafe, you should feel unsafe. They are not safe people for you.
The road toward making them safe for you is a long and hard one and not one that I've traveled, so I won't presume to advise you there. I do know that it will evenually require you and your parents to recognize the harm they've done, however. I've also heard that it's not always worth it, and many childen of abusive and alcoholic parents give up hope of truly reconciling with their parents.
posted by Scientist at 9:04 PM on May 21, 2012
Your description makes it pretty clear your father is an alcoholic. What is it you think an alcoholic is? Maybe you have a misguided idea of what alcoholism looks like, or some shame about the idea that one of your parents is an alcoholic, but none of that actually changes what your dad is.
I really think they did the best that they could.
I'm sure they did. But this is not grade school; we are not allotting points for effort or grading on a curve here. It is entirely possible for them to have done the best they can and for the fact to remain that it still isn't nearly good enough. How much they donate to charity is irrelevant to your experience of being parented.
What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
Well, why would you feel safe around your family? You have one verbally and physically abusive parent and one parent absent through alcoholism. That does not sound or feel very secure. In addition, please note how this question fundamentally puts the responsibility on you to make things okay when it is pretty clear they are not okay and also not your responsibility.
While you are in school and your school's resources are available to you, I would urge you to seek therapy while you can. You would probably also benefit from dropping by Alanon - you don't have to say anything, but I suspect you would find relief there.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:16 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I really think they did the best that they could.
I'm sure they did. But this is not grade school; we are not allotting points for effort or grading on a curve here. It is entirely possible for them to have done the best they can and for the fact to remain that it still isn't nearly good enough. How much they donate to charity is irrelevant to your experience of being parented.
What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
Well, why would you feel safe around your family? You have one verbally and physically abusive parent and one parent absent through alcoholism. That does not sound or feel very secure. In addition, please note how this question fundamentally puts the responsibility on you to make things okay when it is pretty clear they are not okay and also not your responsibility.
While you are in school and your school's resources are available to you, I would urge you to seek therapy while you can. You would probably also benefit from dropping by Alanon - you don't have to say anything, but I suspect you would find relief there.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:16 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your family may have done the best they could --that doesn't mean their efforts did not have negative by-products, such as invisible/emotional scars.
If you can accept that your father was indeed an alcoholic, try looking up family roles in dysfunctional families (alcoholic parent + rageholic parent = recipe for dysfunctional family dynamics). The pattern of one physically abusive and one drinking parent is actually pretty common. I'm not trying to downplay your situation here; just highlight the fact that what you went through growing up has played out in other families too --which means there's specific help out there for you, if you can connect with it.
Consider seeing a counsellor/therapist for shoring up on some handy life skills that were unavailable for you growing up --especially to feel safe and secure as you are. Colleges/universities often have good counselling resources available, covered by your tuition fees, so take advantage! Simple breathing techniques are often prescribed for coping with general stress/anxiety. But depending how bad your family-anxiety is, some guidance could really help.
Read up on symptoms of PTSD, as I would wager that unpredictable violence/abuse/caregiver's temper would certainly embed some trauma responses --perhaps tied in to the overwhelming feelings of anxiety/trapped when you're near them(?). Then look up CBT and EMDR, and decide whether they might be good fits for you. There's lots of books out there on dysfunctional family dynamics (Toxic Parents, Adult Children of Alcoholics, etc.). IME reading parts of my life story in such resources really helped to affirm it was real for me. However, some books may come off very condemning to all abusive parents. Take in the advice/info you like, and leave the rest. Good resources will not advocate condemning your family, nor suggest you absolutely need to forgive them. Good resources will empower you with tools you didn't get growing up to better understand yourself independently, as well as relative to your family so that you can come to your own decisions about how to better manage yourself/your family.
FWIW my barometer for feeling safe around a previously abusive family member is whether they can guarantee they will not repeat their hurtful behaviors again... Which also involves them increasing their self-awareness and acknowledging their impact, whether intentional or not, on me. Some of my family can, others cannot. The ones who cannot, I allow exposure only in small doses. YMMV.
Plus KUDOS to you for setting up such effective boundaries with your family intensity/drama at such a young age. You've achieved the geographic cure (removing yourself from immediate vicinity of family). Now that the dust is settled, some good therapy/introspection will help you dismantle whatever parts of the internal cage you're still carrying from your childhood legacy. Good luck OP!
posted by human ecologist at 4:25 AM on May 22, 2012 [6 favorites]
If you can accept that your father was indeed an alcoholic, try looking up family roles in dysfunctional families (alcoholic parent + rageholic parent = recipe for dysfunctional family dynamics). The pattern of one physically abusive and one drinking parent is actually pretty common. I'm not trying to downplay your situation here; just highlight the fact that what you went through growing up has played out in other families too --which means there's specific help out there for you, if you can connect with it.
Consider seeing a counsellor/therapist for shoring up on some handy life skills that were unavailable for you growing up --especially to feel safe and secure as you are. Colleges/universities often have good counselling resources available, covered by your tuition fees, so take advantage! Simple breathing techniques are often prescribed for coping with general stress/anxiety. But depending how bad your family-anxiety is, some guidance could really help.
Read up on symptoms of PTSD, as I would wager that unpredictable violence/abuse/caregiver's temper would certainly embed some trauma responses --perhaps tied in to the overwhelming feelings of anxiety/trapped when you're near them(?). Then look up CBT and EMDR, and decide whether they might be good fits for you. There's lots of books out there on dysfunctional family dynamics (Toxic Parents, Adult Children of Alcoholics, etc.). IME reading parts of my life story in such resources really helped to affirm it was real for me. However, some books may come off very condemning to all abusive parents. Take in the advice/info you like, and leave the rest. Good resources will not advocate condemning your family, nor suggest you absolutely need to forgive them. Good resources will empower you with tools you didn't get growing up to better understand yourself independently, as well as relative to your family so that you can come to your own decisions about how to better manage yourself/your family.
FWIW my barometer for feeling safe around a previously abusive family member is whether they can guarantee they will not repeat their hurtful behaviors again... Which also involves them increasing their self-awareness and acknowledging their impact, whether intentional or not, on me. Some of my family can, others cannot. The ones who cannot, I allow exposure only in small doses. YMMV.
Plus KUDOS to you for setting up such effective boundaries with your family intensity/drama at such a young age. You've achieved the geographic cure (removing yourself from immediate vicinity of family). Now that the dust is settled, some good therapy/introspection will help you dismantle whatever parts of the internal cage you're still carrying from your childhood legacy. Good luck OP!
posted by human ecologist at 4:25 AM on May 22, 2012 [6 favorites]
How dependent are you on them financially? What steps an you take to make yourself as independent as possible?
One thing that has helped both my wife and I with both of our families is to be able to set limits and enforce them. it's easier or us I think, because we're post college and have each other for support, but it was still really hard.
Society has this expectation that you love someone automatically if you're related to them. It's a carryover from when we were agrarian and totally dependent on family just to survive. That's no longer the case.
As above, your family is abusive and you need help. I suspect the only way you will feel safe around them is to have a way to escape at the first sign of trouble. If your siblings aren't on board, don't trust or rely on them.
If you made a friend that treated you like your parents do, would you still be friends with them?
posted by reddot at 6:01 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
One thing that has helped both my wife and I with both of our families is to be able to set limits and enforce them. it's easier or us I think, because we're post college and have each other for support, but it was still really hard.
Society has this expectation that you love someone automatically if you're related to them. It's a carryover from when we were agrarian and totally dependent on family just to survive. That's no longer the case.
As above, your family is abusive and you need help. I suspect the only way you will feel safe around them is to have a way to escape at the first sign of trouble. If your siblings aren't on board, don't trust or rely on them.
If you made a friend that treated you like your parents do, would you still be friends with them?
posted by reddot at 6:01 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
What you’re experiencing is essentially denial. You want to feel safe around your family, while you ignore the facts: you grew up in an abusive and neglectful household. You are afraid of your family because you have no reason to feel safe around them. Your parents have not apologized for their behavior, and they have not changed.
Denial is, I think, pretty common among people who have survived childhood abuse/neglect. The reason is, because this happened when you were a child, you have no basis of comparison. You have no idea that your childhood is abusive and your best friend’s wasn’t. Abuse, neglect, and your fear were normal parts of your life growing up.
But what you experienced as a child is NOT normal. Not by any means.
What happens in your childhood, I think, becomes weaved into the very fabric of your being. We become who we are because of our childhoods. Because of the nature and extent of your childhood abuse and current denial, I strongly recommend you start going to therapy. Without it, you won’t come to grips with how awful your childhood was, and you won’t be able to develop strategies for dealing with your toxic family.
So please get help. I think as you work through your past, you’ll discover that the past and the present live side by side within us. The way we speak, behave, and live are often directly tied to the ways we were raised.
Good luck—and please check back in with us in a few months!
posted by emilynoa at 6:29 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Denial is, I think, pretty common among people who have survived childhood abuse/neglect. The reason is, because this happened when you were a child, you have no basis of comparison. You have no idea that your childhood is abusive and your best friend’s wasn’t. Abuse, neglect, and your fear were normal parts of your life growing up.
But what you experienced as a child is NOT normal. Not by any means.
What happens in your childhood, I think, becomes weaved into the very fabric of your being. We become who we are because of our childhoods. Because of the nature and extent of your childhood abuse and current denial, I strongly recommend you start going to therapy. Without it, you won’t come to grips with how awful your childhood was, and you won’t be able to develop strategies for dealing with your toxic family.
So please get help. I think as you work through your past, you’ll discover that the past and the present live side by side within us. The way we speak, behave, and live are often directly tied to the ways we were raised.
Good luck—and please check back in with us in a few months!
posted by emilynoa at 6:29 AM on May 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
My family members are good people. They are always willing to ask me if I need any financial help, they donate to charities, and help others in need. I'm still completing my undergrad so I still rely on them to pay my rent although I pay for everything else. I will be taking over this amount once I'm done school and have a new place in September.
But, for some reason all of these experiences have left me feeling unsafe around them for years. I really think they did the best that they could. I wish I didn't feel this way because I'd love to have a close relationship with my family members, but I need to feel safe around them rather than anxious and trapped when I think about my identity and my future. What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
I had a very difficult upbringing too. A book I read (I think it was the Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman) really helped me get past the struggle I was having around my parents being "good people" who had considerable trauma in their own childhoods. Because how dare I blame them, or stay away from them? What I learned was that you can really separate these things out, and address what happened to *you* -- your own suffering -- even while acknowledging that your parents too are perhaps damaged people that did the best they could (or conversely, that they were consciously abusive if that was the case). Your wounds are real, as is your need for healing. That's what you need to pay the most attention to. Human ecologist has great ideas about what to do next.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:19 AM on May 22, 2012
But, for some reason all of these experiences have left me feeling unsafe around them for years. I really think they did the best that they could. I wish I didn't feel this way because I'd love to have a close relationship with my family members, but I need to feel safe around them rather than anxious and trapped when I think about my identity and my future. What are some techniques that I can use to feel safe around my family?
I had a very difficult upbringing too. A book I read (I think it was the Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman) really helped me get past the struggle I was having around my parents being "good people" who had considerable trauma in their own childhoods. Because how dare I blame them, or stay away from them? What I learned was that you can really separate these things out, and address what happened to *you* -- your own suffering -- even while acknowledging that your parents too are perhaps damaged people that did the best they could (or conversely, that they were consciously abusive if that was the case). Your wounds are real, as is your need for healing. That's what you need to pay the most attention to. Human ecologist has great ideas about what to do next.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:19 AM on May 22, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
My siblings said that my dad was an alcoholic although I'm unsure about that. I think he just had a drinking problem which greatly affected our family.
--
My mom used to hit me a lot whenever she was angry. I don't know if this is 'normal' or if this qualifies as abuse.
The reason that you are afraid of your family is that your father was an alcoholic and your mother was abusive, and you haven't accepted those salient facts. And you need to accept those facts in order to come to grips with them, learn how to cope with them, and move on from them.
Right now you're still trying to convince yourself that maybe you're wrong about what your guts are screaming at you is the truth, and if you're spending all your energy trying to convince yourself that you're wrong, that you're not seeing what you're seeing, then you end up thinking that whatever it is it's something YOU'RE doing that makes them do what they do, and that is what has you on edge.
But it's not your fault. Your father IS an alcoholic, and your mother IS abusive. Period.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:50 PM on May 21, 2012 [48 favorites]