Are there any single mother MeFites who conceived via a sperm bank who would be willing to share their experience with my friend?

May 20, 2012 9:57 AM

Are there any single mother MeFites who conceived via a sperm bank who would be willing to share their experience with my friend?

My friend is in her late 30s, single, a very successful small business owner, and blessed with tons of nearby friends and loving, healthy parents. She's mentioned that she has no regrets about being single but that being childless is a source of pain. I know she'd be an amazing parent herself, and she has the resources to do it without a husband due to her independent wealth and numerous loyal friends.

Anonymous donation seems like it could be the answer, but it's a huge step from being a single professional girl in the city to being a single mom. I would like to help her find someone who can give a personal perspective on the process. (Books aren't really her thing.)

Before you tell me to BUTT OUT AND SHE KNOWS WHERE TO GET INFO IF SHE NEEDS IT, I know she tried to get some information from an acquaintance who conceived a child that way, but the acquaintance is a private person and refused to discuss it. And I know that if she were sure she wanted a kid, she'd be getting it done one way or another; but part of her un-sureness is not having visualized how it could be done, how it would feel, what effects it would have on her professional and personal life, etc.

So. Is there anyone here who's had a kid this way (while single) who'd be willing to discuss it their experience with a stranger? Even an email would be great to start. (Super bonus if someone happens to be local to the SF Bay Area and know the facilities around here.) Thanks!!

posted by fingersandtoes to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Are you looking primarily for info about the process of using a sperm bank or of being a late 30s single mother?
posted by looli at 10:04 AM on May 20, 2012

Response by poster: Looli - I think both are relevant, assuming that the mom in question was in similar circumstances: a driven professional who'd made up her mind to become a single parent on purpose. I think my friend would be interested in that decision making process, even if the method were not anonymous donation. (She's thought about other methods too, like co-parenting with a gay friend.) But she has plenty of girlfriends already who have found themselves raising kids on their own because of a change of circumstances; that's kind of a different thing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:13 AM on May 20, 2012

I hope this isn't straying too far from the question, but there's an organisation called Single Mothers by Choice which supports women from the 'consideration' to 'parenting' stage, she might also like to look them up. I'm not sure but I think they might have online forums and meetings etc.
posted by rubbish bin night at 10:28 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have not been in this position, but you might check out Creating Motherhood, the blog of a woman who did exactly this. She ended up needing IVF to get pregnant, and I see from her latest entries that she is now pregnant again after a second IVF, but her initial forays did include donor sperm.
posted by KathrynT at 10:28 AM on May 20, 2012

(She's thought about other methods too, like co-parenting with a gay friend.)

I was the gay friend co-parent in this situation (but not the bio-dad). It's only tangential to your central question (there was no sperm bank involved and the bio-dad was a known factor), but feel free to MeMail me if you or she feel I can help in any way.
posted by trip and a half at 12:31 PM on May 20, 2012

Joining the ChoiceMoms forum or Single Mothers by Choice forum (I personally prefer the SMC one over CM) would be the easiest way of meeting other women in SF who have or in the process of donor insemination and adoption.

The ChoiceMoms.org website lists resources for SF including facilities that support the website.

I'd also suggest she takes a look at the following books -- the first two cover the process most women go through and the others are various women's experiences :
- Choosing Single Motherhood by Mikki Morrisette
- Single Mothers by Choice by Jane Mattes
- Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice by Rosanna Hertz
- Knock Yourself Up by Louise Sloan
- Choosing You by Alexandra Soiseth
posted by bluesapphires at 1:29 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine did this (although not wealthy, and not totally helpful family and friends). She relied on Single Mothers By Choice. And she is a totally awesome mom.
posted by tk at 5:38 PM on May 20, 2012

Check your MeMail.
posted by judith at 11:14 PM on May 20, 2012

One of my co-workers is in this position. She has two children from the same donor and they are both young (less than 10). She is right around 40, I think.

Just last week we were discussing the pros and cons of her situation and the biggest issue for her was this: she is adamant about not dating anyone until the kids are grown up (to avoid break-ups, attachment to temporary boyfriends, etc.) and she was lamenting the fact that the kids don't have a male role model in the house.

It's funny, because I'm a guy and both of her kids have visited my office at work and told me "I love you!" and have told her that they wish I was their dad. It was heartbreaking (but flattering) because I have five kids and can't devote any attention to them.

So that's something to consider.
posted by tacodave at 4:17 PM on May 21, 2012