It's all just a game.
May 20, 2012 7:55 AM Subscribe
I need an Ask sanity check about something in my relationship that is driving me crazy. My husband has a planned activity every other weekend, and my mounting frustration with the situation is becoming harder for me to ignore. But is it really something that I should be this upset about?
Every other weekend, my husband attends a game night with about a dozen of our mutual friends. He typically leaves around 4 pm on Saturday and gets home around 4 am Sunday morning, which means that he sleeps until noon (at least) on Sunday after being out all night. He also has a tendency to sleep late on Saturday morning because he knows he'll be out late that night (and because he likes sleeping in), so on game weekends he's really only "present" with our family from 10 or 11 on Saturday until 4, and after noon on Sunday. We have a elementary age child, and I get up with the child at 7 am (ish) both mornings every weekend (regardless of there being a game or not). I want to clarify up front that I am not in any way concerned that he's actually cheating on me during these weekends - I know where he is and what he's doing and who he's with, and this is in no way about me being afraid he's doing anything but what he says he's doing.
On game weekends, I really feel like a single parent. I get up with our child, deal with all the meals for two days (except my husband does cook dinner on Sunday night). I do the bulk of the cleaning and general maintenance and errands that need to be run. Plus, I'm very jealous that he gets to spend two weekends a month hanging out with other adults, sleeping late, eating junk food, and generally behaving as though he has no responsibilities. Even if I had an opportunity for a similar adventure on alternate weekends, I wouldn't take it, because I really enjoy spending time with my family. So, a big part of my frustration is simply that I miss him .... but also I get sick of doing all the things that need doing while he's out playing.
On the other hand, these weekends give me a chance to spend some dedicated time with our child that I wouldn't otherwise necessarily have. This is a game weekend, and yesterday we spent hours building things in his playroom and drawing pictures of jedi and baking cookies and going to the playground. So that part is nice.
I know the standard advice here would be "talk with him about it" and we have, endlessly. I've said everything I say here to him, many times. His position is that it's an important social outlet for him, that it gives him an opportunity to do something that he enjoys and I don't (true), it costs nothing, and that we discussed it before he started going and I agreed to it. My position boils down to the fact that I resent him having so much more social freedom than I do (so: envy) and that I miss him. Also, I get particularly frustrated when there is big household maintenance things that need to be accomplished that get postponed because there isn't enough time for him to help with them on game weekends, and I refuse to (or cannot) do them without his help.
On the "off" weekends, we do spend a lot of family time together (although I still have to get up at 7 while he continues to sleep every weekend), and the rest of the time we split our responsibilities 50/50. One solution would be for me to go do "me" things on the "off" weekends, but spending that time away from my kid doesn't really appeal to me - I work full time, so it's important to me to spend as much time as possible with the child.
So, what's the solution to this? Am I blowing things out of proportion here? Is he being inconsiderate? If things are going to continue as they are, how do I learn to cope with my frustration over the situation?
Every other weekend, my husband attends a game night with about a dozen of our mutual friends. He typically leaves around 4 pm on Saturday and gets home around 4 am Sunday morning, which means that he sleeps until noon (at least) on Sunday after being out all night. He also has a tendency to sleep late on Saturday morning because he knows he'll be out late that night (and because he likes sleeping in), so on game weekends he's really only "present" with our family from 10 or 11 on Saturday until 4, and after noon on Sunday. We have a elementary age child, and I get up with the child at 7 am (ish) both mornings every weekend (regardless of there being a game or not). I want to clarify up front that I am not in any way concerned that he's actually cheating on me during these weekends - I know where he is and what he's doing and who he's with, and this is in no way about me being afraid he's doing anything but what he says he's doing.
On game weekends, I really feel like a single parent. I get up with our child, deal with all the meals for two days (except my husband does cook dinner on Sunday night). I do the bulk of the cleaning and general maintenance and errands that need to be run. Plus, I'm very jealous that he gets to spend two weekends a month hanging out with other adults, sleeping late, eating junk food, and generally behaving as though he has no responsibilities. Even if I had an opportunity for a similar adventure on alternate weekends, I wouldn't take it, because I really enjoy spending time with my family. So, a big part of my frustration is simply that I miss him .... but also I get sick of doing all the things that need doing while he's out playing.
On the other hand, these weekends give me a chance to spend some dedicated time with our child that I wouldn't otherwise necessarily have. This is a game weekend, and yesterday we spent hours building things in his playroom and drawing pictures of jedi and baking cookies and going to the playground. So that part is nice.
I know the standard advice here would be "talk with him about it" and we have, endlessly. I've said everything I say here to him, many times. His position is that it's an important social outlet for him, that it gives him an opportunity to do something that he enjoys and I don't (true), it costs nothing, and that we discussed it before he started going and I agreed to it. My position boils down to the fact that I resent him having so much more social freedom than I do (so: envy) and that I miss him. Also, I get particularly frustrated when there is big household maintenance things that need to be accomplished that get postponed because there isn't enough time for him to help with them on game weekends, and I refuse to (or cannot) do them without his help.
On the "off" weekends, we do spend a lot of family time together (although I still have to get up at 7 while he continues to sleep every weekend), and the rest of the time we split our responsibilities 50/50. One solution would be for me to go do "me" things on the "off" weekends, but spending that time away from my kid doesn't really appeal to me - I work full time, so it's important to me to spend as much time as possible with the child.
So, what's the solution to this? Am I blowing things out of proportion here? Is he being inconsiderate? If things are going to continue as they are, how do I learn to cope with my frustration over the situation?
(although I still have to get up at 7 while he continues to sleep every weekend)
Why? You should make some sort of compromise before the resentment destroys your marriage. On off weekends, he has to get up at 7 to tend to the child. He has to make a plan to perform household repairs OR you are going to hire someone to do them. Can he cut back the game night to once a month? Can you invite the other game widows and their kids to your house while the (presumably) men do their thing? Is this a NSFW game? Why can't you be part of it for awhile? An elementary school age kid can be left in the next room for awhile. My parents took me to various people's houses for poker nights when I was 7 or so, and I played with the other kids.
Brainstorm together until you find a solution that makes both of you truly happy. And BE HONEST - don't grudgingly accept a lesser compromise than you truly need.
Also, recognize that you are playing the victim a bit. On the off weekends, you are choosing to stay home with the kid because you enjoy it more than going out, yet you resent him for it. You're refusing to do the maintenance as a passive-aggressive thing.
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on May 20, 2012 [42 favorites]
Why? You should make some sort of compromise before the resentment destroys your marriage. On off weekends, he has to get up at 7 to tend to the child. He has to make a plan to perform household repairs OR you are going to hire someone to do them. Can he cut back the game night to once a month? Can you invite the other game widows and their kids to your house while the (presumably) men do their thing? Is this a NSFW game? Why can't you be part of it for awhile? An elementary school age kid can be left in the next room for awhile. My parents took me to various people's houses for poker nights when I was 7 or so, and I played with the other kids.
Brainstorm together until you find a solution that makes both of you truly happy. And BE HONEST - don't grudgingly accept a lesser compromise than you truly need.
Also, recognize that you are playing the victim a bit. On the off weekends, you are choosing to stay home with the kid because you enjoy it more than going out, yet you resent him for it. You're refusing to do the maintenance as a passive-aggressive thing.
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on May 20, 2012 [42 favorites]
What would make you content, if you took his game night off the table as an element of bargaining?
You mention the fact that he sleeps in a couple of times, and that's something that would get me too. (I'm usually the sleeper-in, but I'm also usually getting up with our toddler at night.) I bet if you got to sleep in on non-game weekends, everyone would be happier.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
You mention the fact that he sleeps in a couple of times, and that's something that would get me too. (I'm usually the sleeper-in, but I'm also usually getting up with our toddler at night.) I bet if you got to sleep in on non-game weekends, everyone would be happier.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
Another compromise - he leaves the game at midnight. 8 hours is plenty of time to socialize, and he should still be able to get up at a decent hour.
posted by desjardins at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [30 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [30 favorites]
He needs to get up at 7am with your child on the non-game night weekends. You are not blowing things out of proportion. He has a good deal going with an understanding wife and he needs to not push his luck by taking your good sportsmanship for granted.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:11 AM on May 20, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:11 AM on May 20, 2012 [12 favorites]
It sounds like he is getting his 'free time' and you are not. Why not find what you want twice a month and have your own free time as well. It can be getting a babysitter and having date night, It could be him getting up at 7 on the other weekend, as you sleep in. It could be you having a girls' night. Or you having a Saturday spa/massage day every other weekend.
Just find a balanced equivalent need that you have and have him fill it, rather than have him give this up or you staying resentful. I am sure there is something that would make you feel wonderful doing twice a month.
posted by Vaike at 8:13 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just find a balanced equivalent need that you have and have him fill it, rather than have him give this up or you staying resentful. I am sure there is something that would make you feel wonderful doing twice a month.
posted by Vaike at 8:13 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Contrary to some posters above, I think your complaint is eminently reasonable. I, too, would be very upset if my partner did this, all the more so if there was a child involved. Let me rephrase that: I would go ballistic at this juvenile behavior.
Your husband wants it both ways - he wants the security of a family while still getting to act like a teenager without responsibilities. The way I would approach this with him is by setting very specific responsibilities and tasks for him to do, based on your family's needs. Those tasks would be repairs or time spent with you and the child - whatever. However he wants to rearrange his schedule to meet these responsibilities is up to him.
Here is the key part: If he should fail to meet his responsibilities, you will now have concrete discussion points about specific things he needs to accomplish and is failing to do. This steers the discussion away from vague feelings of resentment on your part and entitlement on his. After all, no one's feelings are inherently more valuable than anyone else's, so no wonder your conversation never goes anywhere.
By couching the conversation in terms of concrete, specific responsibilities that you have both agreed are important, you will set the path to concrete, measurable solutions and changes in his behavior. This will take time, but the process of growing up (both yours and his) always does. Good luck.
posted by Atrahasis at 8:21 AM on May 20, 2012 [22 favorites]
Your husband wants it both ways - he wants the security of a family while still getting to act like a teenager without responsibilities. The way I would approach this with him is by setting very specific responsibilities and tasks for him to do, based on your family's needs. Those tasks would be repairs or time spent with you and the child - whatever. However he wants to rearrange his schedule to meet these responsibilities is up to him.
Here is the key part: If he should fail to meet his responsibilities, you will now have concrete discussion points about specific things he needs to accomplish and is failing to do. This steers the discussion away from vague feelings of resentment on your part and entitlement on his. After all, no one's feelings are inherently more valuable than anyone else's, so no wonder your conversation never goes anywhere.
By couching the conversation in terms of concrete, specific responsibilities that you have both agreed are important, you will set the path to concrete, measurable solutions and changes in his behavior. This will take time, but the process of growing up (both yours and his) always does. Good luck.
posted by Atrahasis at 8:21 AM on May 20, 2012 [22 favorites]
My husband also games, albeit not as frequently, and we now have 2 kids. I think there are a couple compromises you could do to get you to feel like you have more time with him, and he gets to keep gaming. One is that there is no more sleeping in all the time, or at most he sleeps in till 8 or 9am. You can alternate sleeping in if you want. This will likely mean he needs to leave gaming earlier. That is the price you pay for having a kid. This way you'll have between 8 and 4 on Sat. and most of the day Sunday. Also, you need to find something to do 1x a month on the off weekends. I hear you about being a working parent and wanting to get the time in with your kid, but time off is good to, and you can make it like a dinner out with friend, so you still get pretty much all day with your kid, but you get to be social too. You can work up to 2x a month if you find it works for you.
posted by katers890 at 8:23 AM on May 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by katers890 at 8:23 AM on May 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
How about he only goes to one game night per month? Would you feel better about this if it happened less frequently? I also agree that he should be letting you sleep in on some "non-game" weekend mornings.
posted by kitty teeth at 8:52 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by kitty teeth at 8:52 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're not genuinely happy with the amount of time he's taking away from the family. You need a compromise - but not "he get a weekend and you get a weekend" because you don't *want* a weekend. So think of something you *do* want.
It sounds like you've told him how unhappy you are that he doesn't spend much of "game Saturday" with you - but what did you offer as counter-suggestions? Do you want him out of bed by 9 on both Saturday and Sunday? Or maybe he can sleep in on Sunday but you want him to get up with you and the kid at 7/8 on Saturday? Or maybe you want him to skip some GameNights, so it's only once a month.
However you decide to ask for more of his time, you need to give him something in return. If it's a vague "I want you to spend time with me/kid/us" and you pry him out of bed Sunday morning, then wander around vaguely not doing anything in particular, I could see how he'd be frustrated and feel like he'd rather be in bed. And he seems to like ritual, so how about the establishment of an "every Saturday we do X" that happens whether it's game weekend or not. So maybe every Saturday is pancake breakfast day (or waffles, or cheesyeggs, but some thing that you all like eating that you don't make time for on school mornings), or Saturday morning cartoons and then a trip to the park/library, or Sunday is the morning you all walk to the bakery and get bagels. Or every Saturday you wake up early and have wild sex until the kid wakes up, whatever kind of bribery works for you/him. But you're establishing a routine that is not interrupted by Game Day, and something that is more pleasant than "every Saturday at 9am we do laundry! whee!" that also get you and him (and kid) more weekend time together.
posted by aimedwander at 8:53 AM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
It sounds like you've told him how unhappy you are that he doesn't spend much of "game Saturday" with you - but what did you offer as counter-suggestions? Do you want him out of bed by 9 on both Saturday and Sunday? Or maybe he can sleep in on Sunday but you want him to get up with you and the kid at 7/8 on Saturday? Or maybe you want him to skip some GameNights, so it's only once a month.
However you decide to ask for more of his time, you need to give him something in return. If it's a vague "I want you to spend time with me/kid/us" and you pry him out of bed Sunday morning, then wander around vaguely not doing anything in particular, I could see how he'd be frustrated and feel like he'd rather be in bed. And he seems to like ritual, so how about the establishment of an "every Saturday we do X" that happens whether it's game weekend or not. So maybe every Saturday is pancake breakfast day (or waffles, or cheesyeggs, but some thing that you all like eating that you don't make time for on school mornings), or Saturday morning cartoons and then a trip to the park/library, or Sunday is the morning you all walk to the bakery and get bagels. Or every Saturday you wake up early and have wild sex until the kid wakes up, whatever kind of bribery works for you/him. But you're establishing a routine that is not interrupted by Game Day, and something that is more pleasant than "every Saturday at 9am we do laundry! whee!" that also get you and him (and kid) more weekend time together.
posted by aimedwander at 8:53 AM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
it costs nothing
It costs your time, your energy, and your work.
If it's something that's really meaningful to him, something that he sees as central to his social life, I don't think you should demand he stop doing it. But I think you should make it clear that once he gets up on Sunday, his responsibility for the house is total and yours is zero, just as it was (in the opposite direction) for the previous 18 hours. If there's a sinkful of dishes, he's doing them. If the playroom is a mess, he's cleaning it. If there's a household maintenance task that needs to be done, he's doing it, and if noon till bedtime isn't enough time, he can get up before noon and be sleepy at work the next day. You don't have to leave; you can hang out with your kids and play if that's what you feel like doing and if you feel like taking a couple of hours to see a movie or have a drink with friends, you can do that too.
Summary: he wants to engage in a social activity which means a lot to him, which is fair. You want him to recognize that he has responsibilities, which is also fair. You can leave it up to him whether to carry out those responsibilities on a more typical schedule, or pack them into a very hectic Sunday afternoon and night.
posted by escabeche at 9:02 AM on May 20, 2012 [15 favorites]
It costs your time, your energy, and your work.
If it's something that's really meaningful to him, something that he sees as central to his social life, I don't think you should demand he stop doing it. But I think you should make it clear that once he gets up on Sunday, his responsibility for the house is total and yours is zero, just as it was (in the opposite direction) for the previous 18 hours. If there's a sinkful of dishes, he's doing them. If the playroom is a mess, he's cleaning it. If there's a household maintenance task that needs to be done, he's doing it, and if noon till bedtime isn't enough time, he can get up before noon and be sleepy at work the next day. You don't have to leave; you can hang out with your kids and play if that's what you feel like doing and if you feel like taking a couple of hours to see a movie or have a drink with friends, you can do that too.
Summary: he wants to engage in a social activity which means a lot to him, which is fair. You want him to recognize that he has responsibilities, which is also fair. You can leave it up to him whether to carry out those responsibilities on a more typical schedule, or pack them into a very hectic Sunday afternoon and night.
posted by escabeche at 9:02 AM on May 20, 2012 [15 favorites]
I think you have a legit concern and there should be some compromise. He wants a social outlet and he's getting that, but it sounds to me like he's not being very considerate or respectful to how this affects you. Someone above mentioned suggesting that he goes until midnight. That seems to be plenty of time for socializing, and it would allow him to function as a partner the next day.
It sounds like you aren't demanding he stop going, but that you want him to hear how laying all the house/child care at your feet isn't really fair. It's also not fair that he uses the argument "we discussed this and you agreed to it". That may be true, but you didn't anticipate what that 12 hours of gaming would look like in real life. Now you have seen that it sucks and he's not hearing that. Falling back on "oh well, you agreed to it" is childish and selfish on his part. It does not matter that you agreed to it; you are no longer happy with that agreement and it should be open to a compromise.
posted by Sal and Richard at 9:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you aren't demanding he stop going, but that you want him to hear how laying all the house/child care at your feet isn't really fair. It's also not fair that he uses the argument "we discussed this and you agreed to it". That may be true, but you didn't anticipate what that 12 hours of gaming would look like in real life. Now you have seen that it sucks and he's not hearing that. Falling back on "oh well, you agreed to it" is childish and selfish on his part. It does not matter that you agreed to it; you are no longer happy with that agreement and it should be open to a compromise.
posted by Sal and Richard at 9:10 AM on May 20, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm a little curious as to whether you suspect he doesn't prefer spending time with you and his family. Sounds like he doesn't like it and he's found something he likes a lot more. Is that upsetting you at all?
posted by discopolo at 9:16 AM on May 20, 2012
posted by discopolo at 9:16 AM on May 20, 2012
Your husband is being a dick. It's fine to have a social outlet....but really. There's no reason that you should be getting up at 7am both Saturday & Sunday, on game weekends and non-game weekends. You need to at least compromise on the wake times - either rotate weekends or split the Saturday/Sunday wake-ups. I also like the idea of either limiting the game weekends to once a month, or only until midnight.
posted by barnoley at 9:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by barnoley at 9:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [9 favorites]
I think you're both being a little unreasonable and turning this into a battleground unnecessarily.
It's not his job to assuage your envy -- that's your job. You could be organizing your own activities during this time, but you're not (maybe because if you did, this bargaining chip would evaporate).
Important household stuff is everyone's job. Also, if you both know he's going to be M.I.A. all weekend, then make sure he tends to this stuff in the weekday evenings leading up to it.
I agree that he really doesn't "need" to stay out till 4am. He's a family man, he has other concerns. I suggest that he choose between:
A) Gaming every other weekend, but not staying out as late, as suggested above, or...
B) Staying out all night, but only once a month.
Otherwise it sounds like you have chosen to attach most of your marriage/household issues to this one issue, and boy do you not want to do that. You need to be able to deal with these separately so that nobody feels like it's an all-or-nothing issue -- that's when people dig in their heels and refuse to give up any ground.
posted by hermitosis at 9:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
It's not his job to assuage your envy -- that's your job. You could be organizing your own activities during this time, but you're not (maybe because if you did, this bargaining chip would evaporate).
Important household stuff is everyone's job. Also, if you both know he's going to be M.I.A. all weekend, then make sure he tends to this stuff in the weekday evenings leading up to it.
I agree that he really doesn't "need" to stay out till 4am. He's a family man, he has other concerns. I suggest that he choose between:
A) Gaming every other weekend, but not staying out as late, as suggested above, or...
B) Staying out all night, but only once a month.
Otherwise it sounds like you have chosen to attach most of your marriage/household issues to this one issue, and boy do you not want to do that. You need to be able to deal with these separately so that nobody feels like it's an all-or-nothing issue -- that's when people dig in their heels and refuse to give up any ground.
posted by hermitosis at 9:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
This makes me angry. Your husband is a parent, and he needs to grow the fuck up an act like an adult. I agree with Desjardins, 4 pm till midnight is plenty of time, in fact, it's very generous. He needs to realize that when you become a parent, your family has to come first, and you don't get to do all the fun stuff you did before. It's called "responsibility", and it's part of the commitment you make when you have a child.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:18 AM on May 20, 2012 [21 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:18 AM on May 20, 2012 [21 favorites]
If you don't want to leave the house on your own and have your own life, then you really can't fault him for wanting that for himself. Home is a comfortable place, not a cage. Let him have his fun.
You are clearly very resentful about having to get up with your child every morning. You can teach the kid how to turn on the t.v. and sleep in. It won't hurt him at all.
My ex-husband was very resentful any time I did anything social. He was controlling and abusive. I left him. I now enjoy my life fully, as a single, full time mother of 3 children. My parents take my children one night a week so that I can do whatever I want to do. Everybody needs time for themselves.
posted by myselfasme at 9:18 AM on May 20, 2012 [13 favorites]
You are clearly very resentful about having to get up with your child every morning. You can teach the kid how to turn on the t.v. and sleep in. It won't hurt him at all.
My ex-husband was very resentful any time I did anything social. He was controlling and abusive. I left him. I now enjoy my life fully, as a single, full time mother of 3 children. My parents take my children one night a week so that I can do whatever I want to do. Everybody needs time for themselves.
posted by myselfasme at 9:18 AM on May 20, 2012 [13 favorites]
This arrangement isn't working for you, so it's entirely reasonable to renegotiate.
Also, I'm going to guess these mutual friend don't have children.
Is there any way he can ask his friends to hold the game night a few hours earlier one Saturday a month so he can bring the kid along? Elementary aged is old enough that the kid might enjoy playing D&D with these people. It's not as if tabletop gaming crowds are a cesspool of drug use and debauchery (and if I'm wrong about it being tabletop gaming, frankly, watching sports or whatever should feasibly be kid-friendly too). That way, he'd still get to play,. and get bonding time with his child, you'd get one day a month totally off.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:19 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, I'm going to guess these mutual friend don't have children.
Is there any way he can ask his friends to hold the game night a few hours earlier one Saturday a month so he can bring the kid along? Elementary aged is old enough that the kid might enjoy playing D&D with these people. It's not as if tabletop gaming crowds are a cesspool of drug use and debauchery (and if I'm wrong about it being tabletop gaming, frankly, watching sports or whatever should feasibly be kid-friendly too). That way, he'd still get to play,. and get bonding time with his child, you'd get one day a month totally off.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:19 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
There are a few things here. One is that different people have different social needs. That doesn't mean the person with the most social needs always "wins" but I do think there's a tendency to say "well *I* like to spend the time with my family [so he should too]." He's expressed his need to continue this group activity and I guess I would at least start from the position that he knows what he needs and that's a good thing, not a negative.
But I deeply, deeply know what you mean by the solo-parent weekends. I have two kids, 6 and 16 months, and my husband's job gets crazy and I end up managing two differing schedules on weekends - older child's activities, younger's naps - and not getting the cleaning/etc. done and getting frazzled. I love the time with them though and the freedom to go with the flow.
I would approach it in the middle.
First, if he's gaming for two weekends he really needs to figure out how to get his share of the chores (except maybe cooking) done for those weekends. Maybe he spends Friday night cleaning up or doing laundry. Basically he has to help you so that your weekend is smoother when he is not there. If you can afford a cleaning service once a month that's a way to go. I suspect if you were not juggling all the chores it would not feel as much as a burden. He needs to show he is still contributing to the family all four weeks.
Second, you do deserve and need adult time. At 7 your child is getting to where he will have his own social calendar and start to naturally separate a bit. This not a bad time to find what you would like to do and figure out how to get that need met. I think some of your emotions are a signal that you need more.
Also, I love the activities you described. But do remember that for our kids doing stuff together doesn't always have to be fancy. If you ran the weekends a little slower, would that help?
GL!
posted by Zen_warrior at 9:20 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
But I deeply, deeply know what you mean by the solo-parent weekends. I have two kids, 6 and 16 months, and my husband's job gets crazy and I end up managing two differing schedules on weekends - older child's activities, younger's naps - and not getting the cleaning/etc. done and getting frazzled. I love the time with them though and the freedom to go with the flow.
I would approach it in the middle.
First, if he's gaming for two weekends he really needs to figure out how to get his share of the chores (except maybe cooking) done for those weekends. Maybe he spends Friday night cleaning up or doing laundry. Basically he has to help you so that your weekend is smoother when he is not there. If you can afford a cleaning service once a month that's a way to go. I suspect if you were not juggling all the chores it would not feel as much as a burden. He needs to show he is still contributing to the family all four weeks.
Second, you do deserve and need adult time. At 7 your child is getting to where he will have his own social calendar and start to naturally separate a bit. This not a bad time to find what you would like to do and figure out how to get that need met. I think some of your emotions are a signal that you need more.
Also, I love the activities you described. But do remember that for our kids doing stuff together doesn't always have to be fancy. If you ran the weekends a little slower, would that help?
GL!
posted by Zen_warrior at 9:20 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
And just as a datapoint, if I were your husband, I'd limit myself to 4-8pm, twice a month. At 12 hours a night, twice a month, he's basically taking a full weekend vacation away from home every month, while you take care of everything.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:22 AM on May 20, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:22 AM on May 20, 2012 [13 favorites]
You're allowed to renegotiate any arrangement that isn't working for you. There's no "no take-backsies" rule in marriage.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:25 AM on May 20, 2012 [26 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:25 AM on May 20, 2012 [26 favorites]
Also, I think you'll just have to accept he doesn't care about spending time with you guys. His priority is himself. The whole you agreed with him shit is juvenile. And you won't get around it and he won't give in.
I think you'll either have to accept it and be the single parent you are already, and accept that this situation is what it is. He's a jerk. Now what do you have to do to be happy recognizing that he doesn't care and won't compromise.
posted by discopolo at 9:26 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think you'll either have to accept it and be the single parent you are already, and accept that this situation is what it is. He's a jerk. Now what do you have to do to be happy recognizing that he doesn't care and won't compromise.
posted by discopolo at 9:26 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is from another mefi, but what is your 100%? If you figure out what would make you 100% happy, go from there. It sounds like he's already figured out what his is and he's acting on it. You need to figure out yours so you guys can come to a compromise.
posted by raccoon409 at 9:37 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 9:37 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
I wonder if part of the trouble is that you don't seem to know what you want. It sounds like you've been so busy being a wife and a mother and a homeowner that you've forgotten how to be YOU. You're jealous that he gets adult time, social time, out-of-the-house time, but then you also feel like being home with your kids is the most valuable thing for you to spend your time one. You don't know what you'd rather be doing. It sounds to me like you need to find something that you enjoy doing that is just for you -- not for your husband, not for your kids, not in service of keeping up a nice home; just for you.
What hobbies did you enjoy before you had all these responsibilities? What things have you always wished you could do? Pick something to try, don't worry if it's your perfect hobby, just get out there and do it. If you don't like it that much, try something different. Work out the timing with your husband; as others have said, "fair" would definitely involve him taking over more of the work and responsibility than he is right now. Carve out some time for yourself, and go find something you love to do. It doesn't have to be 12 hours every other week (though you'll probably find that it feels more equitable if you each get similar amounts of time to spend on your personal hobbies), just make sure you do something regularly.
Don't feel guilty about taking this time away from your family, either. When you rediscover yourself, who you are when you're not in relation to all these other responsibilities in your life, you will also be better able to be loving and supportive and helpful in those relationships.
posted by vytae at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2012 [8 favorites]
What hobbies did you enjoy before you had all these responsibilities? What things have you always wished you could do? Pick something to try, don't worry if it's your perfect hobby, just get out there and do it. If you don't like it that much, try something different. Work out the timing with your husband; as others have said, "fair" would definitely involve him taking over more of the work and responsibility than he is right now. Carve out some time for yourself, and go find something you love to do. It doesn't have to be 12 hours every other week (though you'll probably find that it feels more equitable if you each get similar amounts of time to spend on your personal hobbies), just make sure you do something regularly.
Don't feel guilty about taking this time away from your family, either. When you rediscover yourself, who you are when you're not in relation to all these other responsibilities in your life, you will also be better able to be loving and supportive and helpful in those relationships.
posted by vytae at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2012 [8 favorites]
I think some of the earlier commenters are right about your not knowing what you'd want, but I suspect the problem is that you don't feel like you're free to figure out what you want. He's not taking responsibility for the situation at home, just letting you manage it, and he's sleeping in, relaxing, enjoying his life while you are doing all the important work (however much you tell yourself that it's valuable/enjoyable/etc, it's also still work).
I don't know how you resolve this. All the conversations I play out related to it go like this: "But you have it all under control, you don't need me to do anything" and "If you keep stepping in to manage everything, it's always going to look like I'm useless". But at least from there maybe you can go to him getting up at 7 and you sleeping in on alternate weekends, or him waking up at a reasonable sleep-in hour like 9 or 10 on his weekends.
It's the sleeping in EVERY weekend that kills me, by the way. Because when you go looking for something to say, "No, my husband is a responsible parent who does his fair share, and just has this one social event that's really important to him," the natural thing is to look and say, "Yeah, he's stepping up on the other weekends and really carrying his own weight!" ... but he's not.
posted by Lady Li at 10:44 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't know how you resolve this. All the conversations I play out related to it go like this: "But you have it all under control, you don't need me to do anything" and "If you keep stepping in to manage everything, it's always going to look like I'm useless". But at least from there maybe you can go to him getting up at 7 and you sleeping in on alternate weekends, or him waking up at a reasonable sleep-in hour like 9 or 10 on his weekends.
It's the sleeping in EVERY weekend that kills me, by the way. Because when you go looking for something to say, "No, my husband is a responsible parent who does his fair share, and just has this one social event that's really important to him," the natural thing is to look and say, "Yeah, he's stepping up on the other weekends and really carrying his own weight!" ... but he's not.
posted by Lady Li at 10:44 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
My husband is away at his game day right now! Leaving me with our two small children!
HOWEVER: his game day runs 10AM-3PM, every other Sunday. And on game days, he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in. And frequently he gets up early with them on NON-game weekend days, and lets me sleep in. So, yeah. You are totally justified, and if he really wants to essentially get every other weekend off, then he needs to make it up to you somehow. He can leave at midnight, he can get up with the kids both weekend days on his non-game weekends, he can dial it back to once a month, SOMETHING, but what is going on now is absolutely justifiably not working for you and therefore needs to change.
posted by KathrynT at 10:45 AM on May 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
HOWEVER: his game day runs 10AM-3PM, every other Sunday. And on game days, he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in. And frequently he gets up early with them on NON-game weekend days, and lets me sleep in. So, yeah. You are totally justified, and if he really wants to essentially get every other weekend off, then he needs to make it up to you somehow. He can leave at midnight, he can get up with the kids both weekend days on his non-game weekends, he can dial it back to once a month, SOMETHING, but what is going on now is absolutely justifiably not working for you and therefore needs to change.
posted by KathrynT at 10:45 AM on May 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
I agree as a working mother you are doing three full time jobs all the time while he is only working full time and being a part time husband and father. Can you drop your full time job and work part time instead without impacting yourself negatively financially? (meaning you have the same amount of spending money and personal retirement savings and your husband finds ways to economise such as he brown-bags lunch or spends less on his hobbies to make this possible). Right now he is being selfish and the resentment this is causing is not worth his childish justification "but you agreed!"
posted by saucysault at 10:57 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 10:57 AM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
If this were going on in our family I would most definitely just pack up the kiddo and take him along for at least one of the two weekends a month. These are your mutual friends, so I'd think they'd be cool with seeing you, even if you don't partake in the game can you hang out and be social, drink a beer or a soda or a lemonade, shoot the breeze while your kid colors or reads or whatever. The other weekend I'd get pretty hard line about needing to both contribute to a babysitter 50/50 so I could go out and do something. And on babysitter nights you don't have to be gone the whole time, you can still get tons of quality time with your kiddo, get a sitter to come in either at dinner time or after bed time. You deserve some you time, and you don't necessarily have to carve that time out of what is already scarce family time.
Also, 4 am sounds pretty crazy, I think asking for a midnight home time is totally within the realm of reasonable. And if he balks at that, then he can big-boy-up, wake up at a reasonable hour the next day and deal with being tired all day. If you and the kid are getting up at 7 am then I would call sleeping in until 9 am reasonable.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also, 4 am sounds pretty crazy, I think asking for a midnight home time is totally within the realm of reasonable. And if he balks at that, then he can big-boy-up, wake up at a reasonable hour the next day and deal with being tired all day. If you and the kid are getting up at 7 am then I would call sleeping in until 9 am reasonable.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
On game weekends, I really feel like a single parent
I think you may want to check your thinking on this by comparing your life with actual real-life single moms.
You miss your husband when he is away. I don't see that as a bad thing. It's good to have a periodic reminder of how much this person means to you.
Your resentment is the piece that needs to be addressed here. Is your husband pretty much your sole source of adult companionship outside work? If so, what can you do to add in more adults to your support network?
I'm going to be a bit grim here:
While you understandably enjoy and want to focus on your family unit for your social needs, having people outside that unit who you can turn to for talk and companionship is also important. I see so many of my friends who choose to make their family the be-all in their lives, and then when something happens and the spouse is no longer fully part of the family (divorce, death, addiction, all the possible things that can happen), they are left flapping their hands helplessly.
I think you and your husband can find solutions to the annoyances of sleeping in, getting house stuff done, etc. I think you yourself will be responsible for what is perhaps an overly-dependent situation of you needing him to be there to meet your needs for companionship.
Please don't undervalue "play". Your husband has something that makes him happy, is probably a stress release, and probably makes him a happier husband and parent as a result. That you don't have a similar activity is on you, not him. If you put that on him, you may someday know what it really is like to be a single parent.
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:13 AM on May 20, 2012 [15 favorites]
I think you may want to check your thinking on this by comparing your life with actual real-life single moms.
You miss your husband when he is away. I don't see that as a bad thing. It's good to have a periodic reminder of how much this person means to you.
Your resentment is the piece that needs to be addressed here. Is your husband pretty much your sole source of adult companionship outside work? If so, what can you do to add in more adults to your support network?
I'm going to be a bit grim here:
While you understandably enjoy and want to focus on your family unit for your social needs, having people outside that unit who you can turn to for talk and companionship is also important. I see so many of my friends who choose to make their family the be-all in their lives, and then when something happens and the spouse is no longer fully part of the family (divorce, death, addiction, all the possible things that can happen), they are left flapping their hands helplessly.
I think you and your husband can find solutions to the annoyances of sleeping in, getting house stuff done, etc. I think you yourself will be responsible for what is perhaps an overly-dependent situation of you needing him to be there to meet your needs for companionship.
Please don't undervalue "play". Your husband has something that makes him happy, is probably a stress release, and probably makes him a happier husband and parent as a result. That you don't have a similar activity is on you, not him. If you put that on him, you may someday know what it really is like to be a single parent.
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:13 AM on May 20, 2012 [15 favorites]
Some others have mentioned either having him come home at midnight or only game once per month, and I think either of those would be good compromises. Also making sure he does his share of the housework and getting up at 7am.
Also, I guess it would depend on the group he games with, but maybe they could include the kids every once in awhile? It's not quite the same but some of my best memories with my dad were from getting up early and playing nintendo all weekend.
Also, I get particularly frustrated when there is big household maintenance things that need to be accomplished that get postponed because there isn't enough time for him to help with them on game weekends, and I refuse to (or cannot) do them without his help.
This, however, is ridiculous. He needs to realize that his family/home is his primary responsibility and there will be times when things related to that have to take priority over gaming.
posted by fromageball at 11:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, I guess it would depend on the group he games with, but maybe they could include the kids every once in awhile? It's not quite the same but some of my best memories with my dad were from getting up early and playing nintendo all weekend.
Also, I get particularly frustrated when there is big household maintenance things that need to be accomplished that get postponed because there isn't enough time for him to help with them on game weekends, and I refuse to (or cannot) do them without his help.
This, however, is ridiculous. He needs to realize that his family/home is his primary responsibility and there will be times when things related to that have to take priority over gaming.
posted by fromageball at 11:17 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just because you enjoy kid time doesn't mean your husband isn't taking advantage. I think you'd probably be a happier wife and mother if you got as much sleep and freedom from responsibility as your husband.
Maybe the price of game night is not being the only adult in the house who always gets to sleep in. Go out, have a blast, come in at 4 am, fine. But don't make it somebody else's job to pick up the slack when you do.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Maybe the price of game night is not being the only adult in the house who always gets to sleep in. Go out, have a blast, come in at 4 am, fine. But don't make it somebody else's job to pick up the slack when you do.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Married man here. Once a month til midnight seems about right to me. The sleeping in on weekends is a separate issue.
Is there any reason why he couldn't supplement the gaming time with maybe also a once a month weeknight from 6-11 PM?
posted by teg4rvn at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2012
Is there any reason why he couldn't supplement the gaming time with maybe also a once a month weeknight from 6-11 PM?
posted by teg4rvn at 11:23 AM on May 20, 2012
My husband also has a planned activity every second week. It starts at around midday on Saturday and he comes home after midnight. Sometimes it annoys me a little because, hey, it's the weekend! I'm alone with the kid all week, I want family time!
And just like you, I feel envious that he gets all this him-time but I don't feel I should be or want to be taking me-time.
But mostly I'm not annoyed. And that's because without fail, every weekend, he takes on "morning duty". No matter how late he stayed up on Saturday, he's the one who changes the poopy diaper on Sunday at 7 am. You could argue that my Sunday morning sleep is me-time - it certainly feels that way.
This is what it takes to make me happy. It's a pretty big sacrifice in my eyes (I love my sleep so I assume he does, too). And it shows that he's willing to make me happy, too. He has also shown that while the planned activity is important to him, he is willing to negotiate the details around it. And he regularly tells me he's grateful that I don't kick up a stink when he sometimes has an evening out in the middle of the week, too.
This is what it takes to make me happy. I think you need to figure out what would make you happy (be honest to yourself. Brainstorm.) and then talk to him about it.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:27 AM on May 20, 2012 [4 favorites]
And just like you, I feel envious that he gets all this him-time but I don't feel I should be or want to be taking me-time.
But mostly I'm not annoyed. And that's because without fail, every weekend, he takes on "morning duty". No matter how late he stayed up on Saturday, he's the one who changes the poopy diaper on Sunday at 7 am. You could argue that my Sunday morning sleep is me-time - it certainly feels that way.
This is what it takes to make me happy. It's a pretty big sacrifice in my eyes (I love my sleep so I assume he does, too). And it shows that he's willing to make me happy, too. He has also shown that while the planned activity is important to him, he is willing to negotiate the details around it. And he regularly tells me he's grateful that I don't kick up a stink when he sometimes has an evening out in the middle of the week, too.
This is what it takes to make me happy. I think you need to figure out what would make you happy (be honest to yourself. Brainstorm.) and then talk to him about it.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:27 AM on May 20, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you've established these guidelines, and he's adhering to them, but you're not happy with how things are turning out, then you should revisit the issue with him.
But as other posters have said---you need to approach this problem with more concrete concerns and compromises. You expressed issues with his sleeping in, the frequency in which he participates in game nights, and the fact that he feels the need to go at all.
To address the latter, please don't resent someone because they want to 'escape' for a while. Allowing each parent time away is vital, in my opinion. Where is it written in stone that a parent must give up their entire lives, social or otherwise, because they have a child? Connecting with adult friends outside of the family setting is a great way for couples to recharge their batteries and remind themselves that they get to have interests and likes outside of children and parenting them.
You have the option of doing the same, but choose not to. So being upset at him isn't very reasonable or fair. Sure, you could force him to do any number of things---but resentment will just build on both sides. Clearly, he's found an outlet for his stress, that you've agreed to. Now you need to find yours. So what is it that -you- want?
Do you want him home more frequently? He only goes out twice a month. It seems unreasonable to restrict that further. Do you want him not to stay out so late? Then tell him such--even though, based on your numbers, he's only gone 9 hours (assuming your children go to bed at 8 pm and rise at 7 am). Establish a more reasonable hour for him to return, which would negate his having to sleep so late on Saturdays and Sundays. Do you want him to help out more? On game weekends, you say you're tired of having to do all the things that need to be done...so why not make him do all of the things that need to be done on the other weekends? This is a way to share the responsibilities---even if you don't go out, so to speak. Or as another person suggested, make him complete certain tasks that need to be done before he leaves for the night or throughout the week so that it creates less burden on you.
But as far as resenting him because he wants to be social and actively does so, there's nothing he can do about that. That's your issue to deal with. You need your own social outlet, and if you don't want to go sans your children, then perhaps you need one that includes your children and gets you out of the house on game weekends.
posted by stubbehtail at 11:35 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
But as other posters have said---you need to approach this problem with more concrete concerns and compromises. You expressed issues with his sleeping in, the frequency in which he participates in game nights, and the fact that he feels the need to go at all.
To address the latter, please don't resent someone because they want to 'escape' for a while. Allowing each parent time away is vital, in my opinion. Where is it written in stone that a parent must give up their entire lives, social or otherwise, because they have a child? Connecting with adult friends outside of the family setting is a great way for couples to recharge their batteries and remind themselves that they get to have interests and likes outside of children and parenting them.
You have the option of doing the same, but choose not to. So being upset at him isn't very reasonable or fair. Sure, you could force him to do any number of things---but resentment will just build on both sides. Clearly, he's found an outlet for his stress, that you've agreed to. Now you need to find yours. So what is it that -you- want?
Do you want him home more frequently? He only goes out twice a month. It seems unreasonable to restrict that further. Do you want him not to stay out so late? Then tell him such--even though, based on your numbers, he's only gone 9 hours (assuming your children go to bed at 8 pm and rise at 7 am). Establish a more reasonable hour for him to return, which would negate his having to sleep so late on Saturdays and Sundays. Do you want him to help out more? On game weekends, you say you're tired of having to do all the things that need to be done...so why not make him do all of the things that need to be done on the other weekends? This is a way to share the responsibilities---even if you don't go out, so to speak. Or as another person suggested, make him complete certain tasks that need to be done before he leaves for the night or throughout the week so that it creates less burden on you.
But as far as resenting him because he wants to be social and actively does so, there's nothing he can do about that. That's your issue to deal with. You need your own social outlet, and if you don't want to go sans your children, then perhaps you need one that includes your children and gets you out of the house on game weekends.
posted by stubbehtail at 11:35 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Since you do enjoy your alone time with your son, one solution would be for your husband to make sure that you have zero to minimal chores left on your plate before he splits for his gaming session, so you can relax and have fun with your little guy without all those nagging chores on your mind. The goal being, you get to have a long, uninterrupted block of time where you put aside your cares as mom/wife/worker bee, and get to just play.
Things your husband could to would be, say, to prepare and freeze meals for you and your son for Saturday dinner; make sure the house is in good order before he leaves on Saturday; and commit to getting his ass out of bed at a reasonable hour on Sunday, whether that means he cuts his gaming short, or just sucks it up and misses sleep.
By way of encouragement: When I was about your son's age, my dad's engineering job had him away from our family for a few weeks at a stretch. My mom and I did a lot of special, just-us things together. As a kid, I loved those times, and forty-odd years later, I can still remember the quiet enjoyment of them. After a certain age as a kid, you get really really busy with sports/school/etc., and those opportunities for pure unadulterated time with Mom were fewer and fewer. So, I think it's really sweet that you and your boy are getting those right now.
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:40 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Things your husband could to would be, say, to prepare and freeze meals for you and your son for Saturday dinner; make sure the house is in good order before he leaves on Saturday; and commit to getting his ass out of bed at a reasonable hour on Sunday, whether that means he cuts his gaming short, or just sucks it up and misses sleep.
By way of encouragement: When I was about your son's age, my dad's engineering job had him away from our family for a few weeks at a stretch. My mom and I did a lot of special, just-us things together. As a kid, I loved those times, and forty-odd years later, I can still remember the quiet enjoyment of them. After a certain age as a kid, you get really really busy with sports/school/etc., and those opportunities for pure unadulterated time with Mom were fewer and fewer. So, I think it's really sweet that you and your boy are getting those right now.
posted by quivering_fantods at 11:40 AM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Right now, it seems like he's getting a much better deal than you are. I think that there's an unfortunate tendency when this problem arises in a relationship to want to solve the problem by making both parties take the worse deal (no game night, you both wake up at 7). But this is backward. You should both take the good deal!
Now, the situation is complicated by this:
Even if I had an opportunity for a similar adventure on alternate weekends, I wouldn't take it, because I really enjoy spending time with my family.
I would think really carefully about this, and about how true it is. Because I kinda don't believe you. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure that you enjoy spending time with your family. But nothing in your husband's behavior suggests to me that he doesn't enjoy this as well. He just also has another thing that he enjoys. The fact that you're so envious suggests to me that you'd like an opportunity to do something similar. You say that you don't want this, and maybe you don't. But is it possible that you do, but you feel guilty about that, so you've made yourself believe that you don't?
There are ways to come to an accord about this, but none of them start with "I don't want this so you shouldn't either." That's going to be a total non-starter as an opening gambit.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:50 AM on May 20, 2012 [8 favorites]
Now, the situation is complicated by this:
Even if I had an opportunity for a similar adventure on alternate weekends, I wouldn't take it, because I really enjoy spending time with my family.
I would think really carefully about this, and about how true it is. Because I kinda don't believe you. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure that you enjoy spending time with your family. But nothing in your husband's behavior suggests to me that he doesn't enjoy this as well. He just also has another thing that he enjoys. The fact that you're so envious suggests to me that you'd like an opportunity to do something similar. You say that you don't want this, and maybe you don't. But is it possible that you do, but you feel guilty about that, so you've made yourself believe that you don't?
There are ways to come to an accord about this, but none of them start with "I don't want this so you shouldn't either." That's going to be a total non-starter as an opening gambit.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:50 AM on May 20, 2012 [8 favorites]
It sounds like he's pretty 'dug in,' so try to resolve the issues individually. On alternate weekends, he should spend extra time with the kid, getting up early, maybe doing extra tasks to make up for being unavailable most of every weekend. Spending time with the kid is just a good thing for a Dad to do, something they will both appreciate and will build their relationship. As the other game players have kids, many of them will stop playing. In several years, it will be him and a bunch of younger guys, and then he should consider cutting back. I think you probably agreed to 1 evening every other week, but it's become most of every other weekend, which is a pretty big chunk of time. I think you'll have the best success by addressing the issues caused by game night, not game night itself. Once something becomes a hot button subject, it gets really hard to discuss.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on May 20, 2012
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on May 20, 2012
I think your issue is that you're not attempting to make compromises. Your husband wants to keep his game nights, you want them to stop. Turning this into an win/lose scenario like this will NOT lead to relationship success.
Instead of saying what you DON'T want to happen, try talking to your husband about what you do want. For example, tell him that you want him to take care of the kids for two weekends a month and you also want to him to reserve one weekend a month to spend time with 708.
When you couch it in those terms, you're giving your husband options. For example, he could cut back his game to once a month, spend two weekends taking care of the kids, and one weekend with you. Or he could game twice a month, take the kids to one of those game nights (as a sort of sleepover), and have one free weekend to spend with you. There are lots of other configurations, but my point is that you need to make your emotional needs known by stating what you want and letting HIM figure out how to get you there. If all you say is essentially "Your schedule bothers me and I want it to stop" then you're being unreasonable.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 12:59 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Instead of saying what you DON'T want to happen, try talking to your husband about what you do want. For example, tell him that you want him to take care of the kids for two weekends a month and you also want to him to reserve one weekend a month to spend time with 708.
When you couch it in those terms, you're giving your husband options. For example, he could cut back his game to once a month, spend two weekends taking care of the kids, and one weekend with you. Or he could game twice a month, take the kids to one of those game nights (as a sort of sleepover), and have one free weekend to spend with you. There are lots of other configurations, but my point is that you need to make your emotional needs known by stating what you want and letting HIM figure out how to get you there. If all you say is essentially "Your schedule bothers me and I want it to stop" then you're being unreasonable.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 12:59 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sorry, I meant "spend time with YOU, not "spend time with 708." (stupid numbers lock key)
posted by wolfdreams01 at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by wolfdreams01 at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
On the "off" weekends, we do spend a lot of family time together (although I still have to get up at 7 while he continues to sleep every weekend),
FIX THIS. Your husband needs to get up with your son on the non-game weekends.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
FIX THIS. Your husband needs to get up with your son on the non-game weekends.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
So let me do a hypothetical. You give in to the whole every second weekend thing, and instead of being lonely, you start doing your thing (with or without the kiddo). You build up relationships with likeminded people, people that your kid has fun with, and you spend time with them. Sometimes maybe it happens on game weekend, and sometimes it happens on non-game weekend.
This is what I see happening, you and spouse spend less and less time together - creating a home as a family, working towards your plans. One day you turn around, and go, "hey, who are you anyway? I watch the news with you three times a week and we eat together and that's it."
From my baggage point of view, this is the problem. To make a marriage work (from someone who left a 20 year marriage) time and effort has to be put into it by both partners. I guess I had my equivalent of game night when I studied for 4 years to get my degree. To fill in that time, my ex discovered the joys of World of Warcraft. When I was done studying, he wasn't done with WoW. We stopped doing anything together, even eating.
So, I think this issue is not so much about envy, as loneliness and building a relationship and maybe you could discuss it with him on those terms if you want him to reduce his playing to once a month.
posted by b33j at 1:26 PM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
This is what I see happening, you and spouse spend less and less time together - creating a home as a family, working towards your plans. One day you turn around, and go, "hey, who are you anyway? I watch the news with you three times a week and we eat together and that's it."
From my baggage point of view, this is the problem. To make a marriage work (from someone who left a 20 year marriage) time and effort has to be put into it by both partners. I guess I had my equivalent of game night when I studied for 4 years to get my degree. To fill in that time, my ex discovered the joys of World of Warcraft. When I was done studying, he wasn't done with WoW. We stopped doing anything together, even eating.
So, I think this issue is not so much about envy, as loneliness and building a relationship and maybe you could discuss it with him on those terms if you want him to reduce his playing to once a month.
posted by b33j at 1:26 PM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]
If I were you (and I nearly am) I would start springing for a sitter twice a month and go gaming with him.
posted by bq at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2012
posted by bq at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2012
Think equity, not equality. I too do not want to have a game weekend every fortnight, but once every few months I want to wander and have coffee with a friend all afternoon. Or go to a gallery* or cafe or markets. That's my thing, not weekends away from my family. So I support the more frequent visits to his friends/family and he supports me doing my thing.
We recently had a thing happening where in the morning he'd sleep in while I got ready for work and wrangled the kid. He is a SAHP and I'm working fulltime in a job that is honestly hurting me. The resentment was enormous - why the fuck should I have a stressful and complicated morning wrangling a toddler and getting lunch and breakfast sorted, all because he stayed up late playing games and wants an extra half hour sleep? So we stopped doing that. It is no longer the norm - it happens every so often, but it's no longer what usually happens. Yes, it sucks for him because he's a night owl, but the stress on our family was not worth it.
Family means all in. No holding back for funsies. The best solution is the one that works for the whole family - sometimes that is more weighted towards one person (right now we're trying to fix years of my self-sacrifice destroying me because if what's best for the family wrecks one member, it's not really 'best' at all but that means the pendulum has swung the other way and my partner is having ot pick up the slack). Everyone makes sacrifices but it doesn't work if one person makes more, hurts more, and loses more, and the benefit of that goes to one person. Your sacrifice doesn't halp your whole family, it helps your husband sustain a frankly HUGE social life and commitment that actively impedes family life. That is unsustainable for you, regardless of how much fun you have with your kid.
*i just spent the afternoon with a friend and she suggested an awesome solution - she will accompany me and kiddo to these cultural things that my partner dislikes. I get friend company, she gets to hang with me and kiddo and my partner doesn't have to tamp down his boredom. Win win!
posted by geek anachronism at 4:28 PM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
We recently had a thing happening where in the morning he'd sleep in while I got ready for work and wrangled the kid. He is a SAHP and I'm working fulltime in a job that is honestly hurting me. The resentment was enormous - why the fuck should I have a stressful and complicated morning wrangling a toddler and getting lunch and breakfast sorted, all because he stayed up late playing games and wants an extra half hour sleep? So we stopped doing that. It is no longer the norm - it happens every so often, but it's no longer what usually happens. Yes, it sucks for him because he's a night owl, but the stress on our family was not worth it.
Family means all in. No holding back for funsies. The best solution is the one that works for the whole family - sometimes that is more weighted towards one person (right now we're trying to fix years of my self-sacrifice destroying me because if what's best for the family wrecks one member, it's not really 'best' at all but that means the pendulum has swung the other way and my partner is having ot pick up the slack). Everyone makes sacrifices but it doesn't work if one person makes more, hurts more, and loses more, and the benefit of that goes to one person. Your sacrifice doesn't halp your whole family, it helps your husband sustain a frankly HUGE social life and commitment that actively impedes family life. That is unsustainable for you, regardless of how much fun you have with your kid.
*i just spent the afternoon with a friend and she suggested an awesome solution - she will accompany me and kiddo to these cultural things that my partner dislikes. I get friend company, she gets to hang with me and kiddo and my partner doesn't have to tamp down his boredom. Win win!
posted by geek anachronism at 4:28 PM on May 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
First thing, he needs to wake up at 7am on non-game weekends and on Saturday during game weekends. It's not fair to make you do it every weekend.
You also didn't say how much time alone he spends with your children. If none, then he may not understand the amount of work it is while he is away. You need to give him plenty of time alone with the kids so that he understands how much effort it is when he leaves you for 12 hours plus the extra 8 hours he is sleeping on his gaming weekends. Start making your own plans to be away on his non-gaming weekends (this should also help with the envy issue) and definitely sleep in so he's alone with kids in the morning.
posted by echo0720 at 5:54 PM on May 20, 2012
You also didn't say how much time alone he spends with your children. If none, then he may not understand the amount of work it is while he is away. You need to give him plenty of time alone with the kids so that he understands how much effort it is when he leaves you for 12 hours plus the extra 8 hours he is sleeping on his gaming weekends. Start making your own plans to be away on his non-gaming weekends (this should also help with the envy issue) and definitely sleep in so he's alone with kids in the morning.
posted by echo0720 at 5:54 PM on May 20, 2012
I think the compromise would to cut back on the 12 hour long game nights. That's just cray cray. My husband participates in a similar Saturday evening, twice monthly gathering. He goes for about four hours and it never interferes with daytime weekend activities. I know this is important to him to have this time and he knows I love family time. Compromise.
posted by JacksonandFinch at 6:43 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by JacksonandFinch at 6:43 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
What specifically is your child's age? Does your child *need* to be supervised as soon as he wakes up? I understand with a younger elementary school-age child (5-6), this might be tougher, but an older child could probably pour himself a bowl of cereal and read quietly or whatever for those few extra hours so you can sleep.
posted by Lucinda at 7:47 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Lucinda at 7:47 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
I concur that just because "you agreed" in advance doesn't mean it has to be okay forever.
No way is the current situation sustainable and your partner needs to help get to a family-friendly compromise. Cuz he likes his family, right?
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 8:17 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
No way is the current situation sustainable and your partner needs to help get to a family-friendly compromise. Cuz he likes his family, right?
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 8:17 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, I wonder what his friends think. Is this the norm within their social group or are most of them single or no kids? A married man with a young child really needs to spend two Saturdays a month gone from 4pm until 4am and sleeping in until noon on Sunday? A lot of replies have brought up the unfairness to you, but I also think it's sending a message to your child about his father's priorities.
posted by citron at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by citron at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
I think you picking an activity to do on alternate weekend isn't a great solution; yeah, you should have fun grown up time sometimes, but I don't think the geo of you having every weekend taken up with single person activities. Something every other weekend just doesn't seem sustainable to me-man, there aren't enough weekends in the summer for my family to do all the fun stuff we want to do, and I can't imagine having only have as many to choose from.
This would annoy the shit out of me. I was a single parent for years, and I find stuff like this, now that I'm (happily) remarried, way more annoying than my single parenting days. When I was single, I knew it was all me, and I could plan accordingly, I was the boss of our life, etc. Now, if my husband schedules a lot of chores and activities that don't allow for kids, I get pretty damned annoyed. I get tired of being the default parent-the assumption that he can schedule this meeting or this roto tilling extravanza because I'll just be there, ready to be on child duty.
I think wanting to share the work, and also wanting to have more family time with all of you, is completely appropriate. I love game nights too, and my husband really loves em, but once a month is what we swing. If we want to play more, we'll host it at our house.
posted by purenitrous at 10:56 PM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
This would annoy the shit out of me. I was a single parent for years, and I find stuff like this, now that I'm (happily) remarried, way more annoying than my single parenting days. When I was single, I knew it was all me, and I could plan accordingly, I was the boss of our life, etc. Now, if my husband schedules a lot of chores and activities that don't allow for kids, I get pretty damned annoyed. I get tired of being the default parent-the assumption that he can schedule this meeting or this roto tilling extravanza because I'll just be there, ready to be on child duty.
I think wanting to share the work, and also wanting to have more family time with all of you, is completely appropriate. I love game nights too, and my husband really loves em, but once a month is what we swing. If we want to play more, we'll host it at our house.
posted by purenitrous at 10:56 PM on May 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
On the "off" weekends, we do spend a lot of family time together (although I still have to get up at 7 while he continues to sleep every weekend), and the rest of the time we split our responsibilities 50/50. One solution would be for me to go do "me" things on the "off" weekends, but spending that time away from my kid doesn't really appeal to me - I work full time, so it's important to me to spend as much time as possible with the child.
It seems totally obvious that he should be getting up early to spend time with the child on his home weekends. You get to relax at home, which is what you're missing and want. He gets some extra quality time with his kid, which is what he's missing when he has his play weekends. Boom. Solved.
posted by desuetude at 11:47 PM on May 20, 2012
It seems totally obvious that he should be getting up early to spend time with the child on his home weekends. You get to relax at home, which is what you're missing and want. He gets some extra quality time with his kid, which is what he's missing when he has his play weekends. Boom. Solved.
posted by desuetude at 11:47 PM on May 20, 2012
Yeah I don't understand the 'til 4am' part or even the 'getting up at noon' part and I don't even have kids! As an adult there is simply 'shit you must do' that you don't have time for during the working week.
Maybe you need to go to counselling or get a mediator because your two positions are so different and communication as is seems not to be working.
posted by bquarters at 12:44 AM on May 21, 2012
Maybe you need to go to counselling or get a mediator because your two positions are so different and communication as is seems not to be working.
posted by bquarters at 12:44 AM on May 21, 2012
If my father had had that much time "off" when I was growing up, my feelings would've been hurt. As citron pointed out, Dad has made clear where his priorities lie. This precludes all sorts of standard parenting whatnot... I take it he is doing balls all with your child, really. That sort of schedule does not lend itself to getting Junior to the weekend pottery class or the soccer field or whatever. He is missing out by not baking cookies and your kid is missing out.
I am assuming yours is the sort of family where everybody is pretty busy during the week -- "these weekends give me a chance to spend some dedicated time with our child that I wouldn't otherwise necessarily have" -- okay -- so -- when is your husband managing to have dedicated time with his kid?
People would've slaughtered him here if you said he was out at the bar and too hung to get up and deal with the kid the next day; I can't quite understand why but somehow 'gaming' has made a lot of people give him a pass to 'socialise.' Children grow up quickly and what amounts to a vacation away from the family every other weekend is not good fathering.
I do not suspect you of being jealous of your husband's nights out or some such. From where I sit, it looks crappy; he sounds like a bad Dad, and not quite grown up.
posted by kmennie at 4:52 AM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am assuming yours is the sort of family where everybody is pretty busy during the week -- "these weekends give me a chance to spend some dedicated time with our child that I wouldn't otherwise necessarily have" -- okay -- so -- when is your husband managing to have dedicated time with his kid?
People would've slaughtered him here if you said he was out at the bar and too hung to get up and deal with the kid the next day; I can't quite understand why but somehow 'gaming' has made a lot of people give him a pass to 'socialise.' Children grow up quickly and what amounts to a vacation away from the family every other weekend is not good fathering.
I do not suspect you of being jealous of your husband's nights out or some such. From where I sit, it looks crappy; he sounds like a bad Dad, and not quite grown up.
posted by kmennie at 4:52 AM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Full disclosure: I participate in a social activity that ends up happening, on an average, twice a month. A short day of this activity will run from 2pm to 2am; a long day will run an entire weekend (Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon). I also have a son, although he's older (middle-school aged). I also sleep in on weekends - 10 to 11am.
All these people who are suggesting the husband cut his gaming nights short (4pm-midnight) - what will that accomplish? He comes home at midnight and....gets quality time with the kid? Relieves the OP from watching the kid? The kid's asleep! Get major household chores done? It's midnight! Gets sleep himself? Maybe (like me) the husband is a night owl and would spend the next few hours dinkering around on the computer or whatnot. (at least with me, no mattter what time I go to bed on the weekends - 10pm, 4am - I always seem to get up at the same time.)
If the only compromise that will make the OP happy is for him to cut his time out down, I'd suggest skewing later rather than earlier - say, 8pm-4am. That would give the husband four hours of Quality Family Time.
posted by Lucinda at 5:37 AM on May 21, 2012
All these people who are suggesting the husband cut his gaming nights short (4pm-midnight) - what will that accomplish? He comes home at midnight and....gets quality time with the kid? Relieves the OP from watching the kid? The kid's asleep! Get major household chores done? It's midnight! Gets sleep himself? Maybe (like me) the husband is a night owl and would spend the next few hours dinkering around on the computer or whatnot. (at least with me, no mattter what time I go to bed on the weekends - 10pm, 4am - I always seem to get up at the same time.)
If the only compromise that will make the OP happy is for him to cut his time out down, I'd suggest skewing later rather than earlier - say, 8pm-4am. That would give the husband four hours of Quality Family Time.
posted by Lucinda at 5:37 AM on May 21, 2012
Lucinda, from the OP, he gets home around 4 am Sunday morning, which means that he sleeps until noon (at least) on Sunday after being out all night. He also has a tendency to sleep late on Saturday morning because he knows he'll be out late that night. So yes, being awake while the child is sleeping means he is sleeping when the child and mother are awake on two days of the weekend without ever returning the favor to the mother because he sleeps in on the other weekend too. The person that mentioned him treating the mother like a nanny is spot on, there is a distinct lack of respect in his actions.
posted by saucysault at 6:19 AM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 6:19 AM on May 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
discopolo: "Also, I think you'll just have to accept he doesn't care about spending time with you guys. His priority is himself. The whole you agreed with him shit is juvenile. And you won't get around it and he won't give in.
I think you'll either have to accept it and be the single parent you are already, and accept that this situation is what it is. He's a jerk. Now what do you have to do to be happy recognizing that he doesn't care and won't compromise."
kmennie: " I do not suspect you of being jealous of your husband's nights out or some such. From where I sit, it looks crappy; he sounds like a bad Dad, and not quite grown up."
Whoa whoa whoa, this is majorly overreacting. Everyone has a right to personal time, even parents. Perhaps this guy takes a wee bit much of it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family. Nowhere does the OP imply he is a bad father. Having a child doesn't make you a prisoner who is not entitled to a social life. There needs to be some equality and give-and-take in this relationship, but I don't think the solution is for him to give up his game nights completely. That would just result in resentment in the other direction. And if the renegotiation means that the OP chooses to spend her "off" weekends at home, well, that's her choice.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:45 AM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
I think you'll either have to accept it and be the single parent you are already, and accept that this situation is what it is. He's a jerk. Now what do you have to do to be happy recognizing that he doesn't care and won't compromise."
kmennie: " I do not suspect you of being jealous of your husband's nights out or some such. From where I sit, it looks crappy; he sounds like a bad Dad, and not quite grown up."
Whoa whoa whoa, this is majorly overreacting. Everyone has a right to personal time, even parents. Perhaps this guy takes a wee bit much of it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family. Nowhere does the OP imply he is a bad father. Having a child doesn't make you a prisoner who is not entitled to a social life. There needs to be some equality and give-and-take in this relationship, but I don't think the solution is for him to give up his game nights completely. That would just result in resentment in the other direction. And if the renegotiation means that the OP chooses to spend her "off" weekends at home, well, that's her choice.
posted by IndigoRain at 8:45 AM on May 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
I came back to read answers and I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at some of them. I totally agree that as an adult the dad needs to do his chores, that there needs to be equal sleep-in privileges on weekends, whether that's that he doesn't sleep in both days around gaming or that he gets up both days on alternate weekends or gets home a little earlier...all kinds of negotiating room.
But...as a data point, I don't think his social activities are that out of whack. My husband and I would support each other in that much creative time/time with friends/workout time or whatever. We've been married 18 years and we have two kids, not one 7 year old. Most of our friends probably have the equivalent social time as two long gaming nights...not when their kids are wee babies and toddlers, perhaps, but by the time the youngest/only's 7 most people have rejoined their book clubs/hockey leagues/volunteer groups/yoga/whatever.
For us, anyway, that's important. Our backyard is sometimes a little scraggly but we'd rather have friends than a pristine yard, and the chores get done.
I go out to a wine night once a week (ish) and host about once every 6 weeks. It goes from 8:30 (after bedtime) to about 1 am. Saturday is my day to sleep in; Sunday is my husband's. We each try to get a 2 hr bike ride in (separately; my toddler isn't good in a trailer yet) each weekend. And so on. If you added it up it would probably work out to about 4.5 hours a week (of kid time, not spouse time) which is how I'm reading this (4-8 pm; 7am-12 pm = 9 hrs/2 weeks. I kind of agree he should get up Sat morning but I kind of counted that as one of his 4 sleep-in days per month.)
That's not to say that it's for every marriage at all, or that the OP doesn't need to make her feelings clear. But I'm kind of stunned at the idea that this could be considered completely excessive.
posted by Zen_warrior at 9:55 AM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
But...as a data point, I don't think his social activities are that out of whack. My husband and I would support each other in that much creative time/time with friends/workout time or whatever. We've been married 18 years and we have two kids, not one 7 year old. Most of our friends probably have the equivalent social time as two long gaming nights...not when their kids are wee babies and toddlers, perhaps, but by the time the youngest/only's 7 most people have rejoined their book clubs/hockey leagues/volunteer groups/yoga/whatever.
For us, anyway, that's important. Our backyard is sometimes a little scraggly but we'd rather have friends than a pristine yard, and the chores get done.
I go out to a wine night once a week (ish) and host about once every 6 weeks. It goes from 8:30 (after bedtime) to about 1 am. Saturday is my day to sleep in; Sunday is my husband's. We each try to get a 2 hr bike ride in (separately; my toddler isn't good in a trailer yet) each weekend. And so on. If you added it up it would probably work out to about 4.5 hours a week (of kid time, not spouse time) which is how I'm reading this (4-8 pm; 7am-12 pm = 9 hrs/2 weeks. I kind of agree he should get up Sat morning but I kind of counted that as one of his 4 sleep-in days per month.)
That's not to say that it's for every marriage at all, or that the OP doesn't need to make her feelings clear. But I'm kind of stunned at the idea that this could be considered completely excessive.
posted by Zen_warrior at 9:55 AM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Assuming that you both work full time, and your desired version of "family time" is when you are both not exaused and are able to be emotionally and are both mentally and emotionally present with each other.
Your husband is preparing for, playing, or recovering from, the game for almost two full weekends per month, or about four days.
Do you eat your meals together? Go out on weeknights? I ask because it is a bit hard to tell if:
A) you only get 13% "family time" per month because you only get two weekends with him (4/30), and are at work or exhausted the rest of the time, or
B) He is generally present as a father and husband 87% of the time (minus however long you guys are at work) by eating dinner with you and spending quality time with you and your child on weeknights. Then happens to take %13 of each month for himself.
There is a world of difference between A and B.
posted by Shouraku at 4:32 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your husband is preparing for, playing, or recovering from, the game for almost two full weekends per month, or about four days.
Do you eat your meals together? Go out on weeknights? I ask because it is a bit hard to tell if:
A) you only get 13% "family time" per month because you only get two weekends with him (4/30), and are at work or exhausted the rest of the time, or
B) He is generally present as a father and husband 87% of the time (minus however long you guys are at work) by eating dinner with you and spending quality time with you and your child on weeknights. Then happens to take %13 of each month for himself.
There is a world of difference between A and B.
posted by Shouraku at 4:32 PM on May 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Whoa whoa whoa, this is majorly overreacting. Everyone has a right to personal time, even parents. Perhaps this guy takes a wee bit much of it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family.
I'm not saying he doesn't care about his family. I'm saying that between what he said to OP and his participation level (reflecting his natural preference) in family stuff during gaming weekend (sleeping in and arranging his whole weekend around it rather than reigning it in because he likes being around wife and kid more than gaming---and he basically gave her a "Sucks to be you" when she tried to talk to him. Not very caring behavior towards spouse and mother of child) that he prefers gaming to spending quality time w/ his family and enough so that he's unwilling to adjust it. Also, maybe he's one of those guys who thinks of marriage, fatherhood and family as a prison he needs to escape to be his full happy self. The OP likes family time and prefers it. OP's husband would probably prefer to spend every weekend gaming.
My point was only that she won't be able to make him prefer being a dad and husband. From what I read and reread, it seems like that's what she wishes he wanted---to prefer being w/her and their son instead of off gaming.
posted by discopolo at 5:33 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm not saying he doesn't care about his family. I'm saying that between what he said to OP and his participation level (reflecting his natural preference) in family stuff during gaming weekend (sleeping in and arranging his whole weekend around it rather than reigning it in because he likes being around wife and kid more than gaming---and he basically gave her a "Sucks to be you" when she tried to talk to him. Not very caring behavior towards spouse and mother of child) that he prefers gaming to spending quality time w/ his family and enough so that he's unwilling to adjust it. Also, maybe he's one of those guys who thinks of marriage, fatherhood and family as a prison he needs to escape to be his full happy self. The OP likes family time and prefers it. OP's husband would probably prefer to spend every weekend gaming.
My point was only that she won't be able to make him prefer being a dad and husband. From what I read and reread, it seems like that's what she wishes he wanted---to prefer being w/her and their son instead of off gaming.
posted by discopolo at 5:33 AM on May 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Guys, you need to not be debating between yourselves; please just give your advice/suggestions to the OP, and leave it at that.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:50 AM on May 23, 2012
posted by taz (staff) at 1:50 AM on May 23, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm having trouble inferring what your ideal situation would be. Would you prefer that he be at home with you every weekend? Would you like for him to wake up earlier and help out before going to hang out with his buddies? I get the feeling that you two are talking in circles because neither of you are proposing any alternatives, so you are just voicing your feelings and hoping something will suddenly change and make it better. Come up with a compromise that could work - say, he gets up at 7 on Saturday so you get more family time, or he helps do errands on Saturday and makes lunch on Saturday, or big maintenance things get done right away even if he'll be late for gaming - and propose that to him.
Alternatively, you could find a social outlet for yourself that mirrors his but also could involve your child so that you stop feeling so envious of your husband and don't feel guilty that you're leaving your child behind to do that (I'm thinking something like going to the park with another parent+kids group). Or you could simply think of you spending one-on-one time with your child as your equivalent, that's up to you.
posted by buteo at 8:08 AM on May 20, 2012 [6 favorites]