Can I bring a date to my friend's wedding?
April 18, 2012 5:57 PM Subscribe
I just received a wedding invitation to a friend's wedding. The invitation itself was addressed to me only. In the RSVP, there are two blanks... one where I'm to fill in my name, and another labeled "Number attending". I'm not sure if this means I'm allowed to bring a date or not.
I don't think I want to bother going to this wedding without my boyfriend, as she's not a close friend of mine, but I also don't want to be rude and create a potentially awkward situation by asking her if I can bring a date if she didn't intend on giving me a plus one to begin with.
What's the etiquette here? Am I to assume that since the RSVP asked for the number of people attending, that I'm allowed to bring my SO?
I don't think I want to bother going to this wedding without my boyfriend, as she's not a close friend of mine, but I also don't want to be rude and create a potentially awkward situation by asking her if I can bring a date if she didn't intend on giving me a plus one to begin with.
What's the etiquette here? Am I to assume that since the RSVP asked for the number of people attending, that I'm allowed to bring my SO?
Am I to assume that since the RSVP asked for the number of people attending, that I'm allowed to bring my SO?
No. Under that logic, they gave you a blank space so you can invite as many people as you want (which I've heard of happening- "I'm coming, and so is my Mom, sister, niece and nephew!"). You should check with your friend to see if they intended for you to be invited with a date. It isn't rude if you phrase it as a question free from any expectation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:01 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
No. Under that logic, they gave you a blank space so you can invite as many people as you want (which I've heard of happening- "I'm coming, and so is my Mom, sister, niece and nephew!"). You should check with your friend to see if they intended for you to be invited with a date. It isn't rude if you phrase it as a question free from any expectation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:01 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't think this means you are allowed to bring your boyfriend without asking.
You don't seem particularly jazzed about going to this wedding. Maybe you should just skip it entirely.
posted by grouse at 6:02 PM on April 18, 2012 [16 favorites]
You don't seem particularly jazzed about going to this wedding. Maybe you should just skip it entirely.
posted by grouse at 6:02 PM on April 18, 2012 [16 favorites]
dfriedman is right that the traditional US etiquette is that only people specifically named on the invitation address are invited, and the "number attending" blank is for the invitation that went to the "Jones-Chang Family" where three of the four kids and one of the two parents will be able to attend.
But. Not everyone is doing the traditional etiquette when sending invitations. So if you do want to go and bring your boyfriend, asking would not be odd (you certainly won't be the only person to ask by any means, and nor would you be the only person just to fill in a "plus one" blank without receiving an invitation saying "Ohmy and Guest").
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:08 PM on April 18, 2012
But. Not everyone is doing the traditional etiquette when sending invitations. So if you do want to go and bring your boyfriend, asking would not be odd (you certainly won't be the only person to ask by any means, and nor would you be the only person just to fill in a "plus one" blank without receiving an invitation saying "Ohmy and Guest").
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:08 PM on April 18, 2012
If there's no "and guest" anywhere, you do not have a guest invited. The "number attending" line is just because people generally don't have different invites printed for individual people versus that for families and whatnot.
posted by brainmouse at 6:09 PM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 6:09 PM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
The official traditional US etiquette answer is: only people named on the invitation are invited, and you can't ask to bring anyone else. The custom of having a pre-made RSVP with a blank for "number attending" is recent and comes from people being bad about RSVPing, but no, the blank does not allow you to add guests.
The way you can gently float the question to your friend (did she intend to invite your bf) is to get a third party to ask her. The theory being, this puts her into less of an awkward spot if your bf isn't invited, she won't have to say that direct to your face, she can say it to a third party who will relay the message.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:18 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
The way you can gently float the question to your friend (did she intend to invite your bf) is to get a third party to ask her. The theory being, this puts her into less of an awkward spot if your bf isn't invited, she won't have to say that direct to your face, she can say it to a third party who will relay the message.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:18 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I suppose you can do as LobsterMitten says, but I think you could safely assume this was not an oversight. The guest list is a big deal to us planning weddings, and a +1 isn't something that gets forgotten by accident. If the invitation wasn't addressed to You + Guest, they didn't invite you to bring a guest.
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:25 PM on April 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:25 PM on April 18, 2012 [7 favorites]
In the RSVP, there are two blanks... one where I'm to fill in my name, and another labeled "Number attending"
The reason it asks for "Number attending" is because some invitations did go out to two-plus people, of course. I don't think I'd get a third party to ask; it will be obvious where the question originated.
posted by kmennie at 6:29 PM on April 18, 2012
The reason it asks for "Number attending" is because some invitations did go out to two-plus people, of course. I don't think I'd get a third party to ask; it will be obvious where the question originated.
posted by kmennie at 6:29 PM on April 18, 2012
Yeah, every wedding invite I got when I was single said "Mr. KingEdRa and Guest" or an invitation was also sent to my SO of the hour. I'm actually kind of flabbergasted by this. What kind of person invites a single person to a wedding without allowing the invitee to bring a guest? If I was in your circumstances I'd decline the invitation if I wasn't permitted the option of bringing a guest. It is presumptuous and rude IMO. Would they send an invitaion to a married friend and exclude the spouse?
posted by KingEdRa at 6:42 PM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by KingEdRa at 6:42 PM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
I agree that it's unlikely this is an accident, given that you're not that close.
Just wanted to note that if you do feel a need to ask, the way to do it (if you are within the traditional WASP US world that etiquette books cover) is through a third party. Not because it will conceal where the question comes from, but because it introduces a layer of remove that makes it socially easier for the bride to say "no, sadly we didn't have room to invite everyone we would have liked, so bf is not invited".
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:43 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just wanted to note that if you do feel a need to ask, the way to do it (if you are within the traditional WASP US world that etiquette books cover) is through a third party. Not because it will conceal where the question comes from, but because it introduces a layer of remove that makes it socially easier for the bride to say "no, sadly we didn't have room to invite everyone we would have liked, so bf is not invited".
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:43 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
What kind of person invites a single person to a wedding without allowing the invitee to bring a guest?
Plenty. Planning weddng guest lists can be very tricky. Adding an extra guest for all the unmarrieds means inviting fewer of the people you actually know and want to have come. And the situation of a boyfriend or date is different from the situation of a spouse.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:46 PM on April 18, 2012 [36 favorites]
Plenty. Planning weddng guest lists can be very tricky. Adding an extra guest for all the unmarrieds means inviting fewer of the people you actually know and want to have come. And the situation of a boyfriend or date is different from the situation of a spouse.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:46 PM on April 18, 2012 [36 favorites]
If they intended to let you invite a guest, the invite would almost definitely say "...and guest" somewhere in it. Nevertheless, I'd recommend asking a mutual friend, the bride's mom/sister/MOH whether or not a guest would be welcome.
If the answer is no, it's ok to skip it. Send a nice gift instead.
posted by asciident at 6:49 PM on April 18, 2012
If the answer is no, it's ok to skip it. Send a nice gift instead.
posted by asciident at 6:49 PM on April 18, 2012
+1's are a big deal in wedding planning. If they wanted to extend an invitation to both you and a guest, it would have been clearly specified. 'Number attending' isn't used to open the guest list, it's to get a headcount when multiple guests are invited from a single household.
(In the past I've RSVP'd 0 for number attending to decline an invite, and vaguely wonder if I horrified the bride. Live & learn.)
posted by Space Kitty at 7:25 PM on April 18, 2012
(In the past I've RSVP'd 0 for number attending to decline an invite, and vaguely wonder if I horrified the bride. Live & learn.)
posted by Space Kitty at 7:25 PM on April 18, 2012
It definitely means solo.
When we got married, the wife and I figured out that we could invite cousins and their spouses, but not their kids. So we sent an invite to my cousin and his wife - both of whom are doctors, so we assumed they'd know what's up. They responded that their kids were SOOO excited to come to the wedding...we had to explain to them that, no, we just invited them, not kids. Sheesh.
posted by notsnot at 7:31 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
When we got married, the wife and I figured out that we could invite cousins and their spouses, but not their kids. So we sent an invite to my cousin and his wife - both of whom are doctors, so we assumed they'd know what's up. They responded that their kids were SOOO excited to come to the wedding...we had to explain to them that, no, we just invited them, not kids. Sheesh.
posted by notsnot at 7:31 PM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
What kind of person invites a single person to a wedding without allowing the invitee to bring a guest?
Everybody who's ever invited me to a wedding.
posted by interplanetjanet at 7:36 PM on April 18, 2012 [19 favorites]
Everybody who's ever invited me to a wedding.
posted by interplanetjanet at 7:36 PM on April 18, 2012 [19 favorites]
What kind of person invites a single person to a wedding without allowing the invitee to bring a guest?
A person who moves in social circles where that is the custom (as it is in many US social circles).
A person who wants to have a small wedding with people they already know well in attendance.
A person who think their wedding will be a great opportunity to set their friend up with their husband's cousin who is "just perfect for them."
I would say that in my single days, about half of the invitations I received were for just me, and half were for me + guest.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:48 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
A person who moves in social circles where that is the custom (as it is in many US social circles).
A person who wants to have a small wedding with people they already know well in attendance.
A person who think their wedding will be a great opportunity to set their friend up with their husband's cousin who is "just perfect for them."
I would say that in my single days, about half of the invitations I received were for just me, and half were for me + guest.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:48 PM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Folks maybe we can dial back the "Let's talk about not getting a +1 for a wedding" talk and help the OP answer her question please? Thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:49 PM on April 18, 2012
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:49 PM on April 18, 2012
The "number attending" blank is in case fewer than those addressed will be attending.
posted by rhizome at 11:10 PM on April 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 11:10 PM on April 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
What's rude here is that she has addressed an invitation only to you and then given the appearance that she is also inviting your partner, but doesn't have a personal enough relationship with either him or you to have actually used his name.
So, the invitation is confusing, and she's also made Schroedinger's Invitation very impersonal by addressing it (if it is addressed) to a nameless nobody.
If you don't want to go, RSVP according to the format, with your name only. Since you don't really care for her, no need to send a gift. It would be civil to send her a letter of congratulation instead of a gift, though.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 AM on April 19, 2012
So, the invitation is confusing, and she's also made Schroedinger's Invitation very impersonal by addressing it (if it is addressed) to a nameless nobody.
If you don't want to go, RSVP according to the format, with your name only. Since you don't really care for her, no need to send a gift. It would be civil to send her a letter of congratulation instead of a gift, though.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 AM on April 19, 2012
Wait, the RSVP is preprinted/generic? Forget I said all that. Yes, only you are invited.
posted by tel3path at 3:33 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by tel3path at 3:33 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Ask the question. Organising a wedding means making some awkward decisions regarding guests and you have to be prepared to answer them.
I would say though, that if you really aren't sure you can be bothered with going, decline and free up a space for someone who cares.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:17 AM on April 19, 2012
I would say though, that if you really aren't sure you can be bothered with going, decline and free up a space for someone who cares.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:17 AM on April 19, 2012
Decline the invitation. If you are invited to an event without the opportunity to bring your boyfriend, your presence isn't valued highly by the event-havers. It sounds like you don't value being there too much either, so it's a win-win.
posted by Kwine at 8:03 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Kwine at 8:03 AM on April 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
your presence isn't valued highly by the event-havers
I don't think this is true in general, though, for the reason I gave above. Adding an extra guest is a biggish deal, and depending on the length/seriousness of the dating relationship, the host has a difficult calculation to make.
Don't let this invite make you question your friendship with this person. (You say you're not that close anyway, but please try not to be hurt/offended by being invited solo. The bride is dealing with factors you may not know about, and she may have already gone the extra mile to be able to invite you.) Feel free to decline with a glad heart, just don't start feeling like the solo invite is a slight.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:34 AM on April 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
I don't think this is true in general, though, for the reason I gave above. Adding an extra guest is a biggish deal, and depending on the length/seriousness of the dating relationship, the host has a difficult calculation to make.
Don't let this invite make you question your friendship with this person. (You say you're not that close anyway, but please try not to be hurt/offended by being invited solo. The bride is dealing with factors you may not know about, and she may have already gone the extra mile to be able to invite you.) Feel free to decline with a glad heart, just don't start feeling like the solo invite is a slight.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:34 AM on April 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
Check with your friend. These things can be culture and subculture dependent.
FWIW, I would consider that your friend is more entitled to feel slighted that you wouldn't go their wedding if you can't bring a date than you are to feel slighted that they're not able to make provision for everyone to bring a partner, if indeed that turns out to be the case.
For you it's a few hours at an event where you probably know a few people anyway, assuming of course it's not out of town or on the other side of the planet. For them it is one of the most important days of their life, which likely involves great expense and complicated logistics, and where the expense and logistical difficulty grows with the number of people they invite.
For the most part, if you're not close, consider that it's a sweet gesture by them to invite you at all.
If it's not important to you to be there for their wedding, you can always make a polite excuse.
Btw, the only thing awkward about asking your friend if they meant to allow for you bringing a date is the fact that you would not go if the answer is not what you'd like. Otherwise it's painless to check what's going to work for them and go with that.
posted by philipy at 11:49 AM on April 19, 2012
FWIW, I would consider that your friend is more entitled to feel slighted that you wouldn't go their wedding if you can't bring a date than you are to feel slighted that they're not able to make provision for everyone to bring a partner, if indeed that turns out to be the case.
For you it's a few hours at an event where you probably know a few people anyway, assuming of course it's not out of town or on the other side of the planet. For them it is one of the most important days of their life, which likely involves great expense and complicated logistics, and where the expense and logistical difficulty grows with the number of people they invite.
For the most part, if you're not close, consider that it's a sweet gesture by them to invite you at all.
If it's not important to you to be there for their wedding, you can always make a polite excuse.
Btw, the only thing awkward about asking your friend if they meant to allow for you bringing a date is the fact that you would not go if the answer is not what you'd like. Otherwise it's painless to check what's going to work for them and go with that.
posted by philipy at 11:49 AM on April 19, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for all your insight!
The reason I ended up here regarding this issue is that I assumed right off the bat that the invitation was meant for me and me alone, however, a) this is a very non-traditional wedding being organized by the most laid back person I have ever met who I can't possibly imagine agonizing over her guest list, and b) my close friend, who just got married in the fall, as well as another female friend, said that the "number attending" line meant that I could bring I date.
Very confusing... so here I am. I don't live in the US, and most of the weddings I've been to have been way less intense than some of the weddings I've heard/read about or seen on TV.
I do care about this friend and didn't mean to make it seem like I'm not thrilled about celebrating her special day. It's just that the wedding is on a Friday and I'll have to take time off work to attend, during a time when I'm going to have a very heavy workload. I don't feel slighted whatsoever by the idea of being invited without my significant other. I even feel like, knowing her, it might even have been an absent minded oversight, and she doesn't know his full name and maybe didn't think about it or didn't know what name to put on the invite.
Anyway, I think I will end up asking her, because after some reflection, I really don't think she'll be offended by the question, as I'm fairly certain that she knows that I won't be upset about it in any way, shape or form. Also, because Frasermoo is totally right when he says "Ask the question. Organising a wedding means making some awkward decisions regarding guests and you have to be prepared to answer them."
Thanks guys!
posted by ohmy at 1:59 PM on April 19, 2012
The reason I ended up here regarding this issue is that I assumed right off the bat that the invitation was meant for me and me alone, however, a) this is a very non-traditional wedding being organized by the most laid back person I have ever met who I can't possibly imagine agonizing over her guest list, and b) my close friend, who just got married in the fall, as well as another female friend, said that the "number attending" line meant that I could bring I date.
Very confusing... so here I am. I don't live in the US, and most of the weddings I've been to have been way less intense than some of the weddings I've heard/read about or seen on TV.
I do care about this friend and didn't mean to make it seem like I'm not thrilled about celebrating her special day. It's just that the wedding is on a Friday and I'll have to take time off work to attend, during a time when I'm going to have a very heavy workload. I don't feel slighted whatsoever by the idea of being invited without my significant other. I even feel like, knowing her, it might even have been an absent minded oversight, and she doesn't know his full name and maybe didn't think about it or didn't know what name to put on the invite.
Anyway, I think I will end up asking her, because after some reflection, I really don't think she'll be offended by the question, as I'm fairly certain that she knows that I won't be upset about it in any way, shape or form. Also, because Frasermoo is totally right when he says "Ask the question. Organising a wedding means making some awkward decisions regarding guests and you have to be prepared to answer them."
Thanks guys!
posted by ohmy at 1:59 PM on April 19, 2012
Before I saw your update, I was going to ask you if your friend is casual, or dopey, or otherwise not particularly in-tune with the incredibly formal protocols that suddenly spring up when weddings are happening. Because we were all of those things when we got married, and I'm almost positive we did not have phrasing that included "and Guest", in spite of the fact that guests were totally welcome. Fortunately all our friends were similarly casual etc. and invited whoever they wanted.
Your update convinces me that your friend is like we were on this point. Check with her, but I'll bet anything that it's fine.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:02 PM on April 19, 2012
Your update convinces me that your friend is like we were on this point. Check with her, but I'll bet anything that it's fine.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:02 PM on April 19, 2012
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posted by dfriedman at 6:00 PM on April 18, 2012 [16 favorites]