Probably-not-an-STD-but-not-sure-yet -- what now?
March 15, 2012 10:28 AM Subscribe
Please help me figure out how I should tell my girlfriend about my probably-not-an-STD-freakout-moment. [NSFW]
I'm a guy in my mid-20s. I've been in a monogamous relationship for several months with a wonderful woman. We've had a mix of protected and unprotected sex (she's on hormonal birth control, and I thought all was well..) Prior to this relationship, I've only had penetrative sex with one other woman (in a committed, monogamous relationship that lasted two years), and before that relationship I fooled around (no penetrative sex, but mutual masturbation and such) with 3 other people, also while monogamous to the best of my knowledge (aha, there's the gotcha). I never got tested between my last relationship and this one because I was stupid -- my justification was "Well, we were together and monogamous for two years, always used protection, and I never had any symptoms." (I can sense the collective finger wagging at me, yeah, I know, I was dumb and maybe hurtful in a really stupid way. I get it. Question is how do I fix it insofar as it is fixable, going forward.)
I've always had bad acne all over my body, from my teenage years on, and I've been outbreak-y lately due to work stress. On Tuesday morning, I noticed a whitehead/pimple/zit on my penis. For some reason the voice in my head said "you get this looked at, because it would really suck in about a million different ways if you didn't get it looked at and it turned out to be something, and you inadvertently gave it to this wonderful woman you're falling for." I called my doctor and had it checked out later that day. After examining me, the doc said that it was almost certainly acne and not an STD, and proscribed an antibiotic for the acne. All the same, we agreed that I should have the full STD test panel run, for my own comfort. Results won't be in until Friday at the earliest, probably Monday.
I'm seeing my SO tonight. I don't want to frighten her unnecessarily, but I do want to make sure she knows that something odd came up, and I'm currently waiting on test results, and I think that we should abstain until I know for sure what's up. I realize that this is probably a lost cause because 1) I was an idiot in not getting tested, 2) I've already gone two days without mentioning this -- my logic was that I want to talk about it with her in person, in private, but I feel like maybe I made the wrong call by not asking to see her immediately? On the other hand, my doc seems fairly sure that it's nothing and seemed to be running the tests more for my peace of mind than to confirm anyone's fears. I've never had this kind of thing come up before and I'm terrified that I'm going to screw up the communication here. I'm also terrified that it is something and I've already given it to her, in which case I have absolutely no idea how to live with myself, but that's my paranoia (and the subject of another anon question for next week, if the news is bad.. sigh.)
I'm a guy in my mid-20s. I've been in a monogamous relationship for several months with a wonderful woman. We've had a mix of protected and unprotected sex (she's on hormonal birth control, and I thought all was well..) Prior to this relationship, I've only had penetrative sex with one other woman (in a committed, monogamous relationship that lasted two years), and before that relationship I fooled around (no penetrative sex, but mutual masturbation and such) with 3 other people, also while monogamous to the best of my knowledge (aha, there's the gotcha). I never got tested between my last relationship and this one because I was stupid -- my justification was "Well, we were together and monogamous for two years, always used protection, and I never had any symptoms." (I can sense the collective finger wagging at me, yeah, I know, I was dumb and maybe hurtful in a really stupid way. I get it. Question is how do I fix it insofar as it is fixable, going forward.)
I've always had bad acne all over my body, from my teenage years on, and I've been outbreak-y lately due to work stress. On Tuesday morning, I noticed a whitehead/pimple/zit on my penis. For some reason the voice in my head said "you get this looked at, because it would really suck in about a million different ways if you didn't get it looked at and it turned out to be something, and you inadvertently gave it to this wonderful woman you're falling for." I called my doctor and had it checked out later that day. After examining me, the doc said that it was almost certainly acne and not an STD, and proscribed an antibiotic for the acne. All the same, we agreed that I should have the full STD test panel run, for my own comfort. Results won't be in until Friday at the earliest, probably Monday.
I'm seeing my SO tonight. I don't want to frighten her unnecessarily, but I do want to make sure she knows that something odd came up, and I'm currently waiting on test results, and I think that we should abstain until I know for sure what's up. I realize that this is probably a lost cause because 1) I was an idiot in not getting tested, 2) I've already gone two days without mentioning this -- my logic was that I want to talk about it with her in person, in private, but I feel like maybe I made the wrong call by not asking to see her immediately? On the other hand, my doc seems fairly sure that it's nothing and seemed to be running the tests more for my peace of mind than to confirm anyone's fears. I've never had this kind of thing come up before and I'm terrified that I'm going to screw up the communication here. I'm also terrified that it is something and I've already given it to her, in which case I have absolutely no idea how to live with myself, but that's my paranoia (and the subject of another anon question for next week, if the news is bad.. sigh.)
I think that we should abstain until I know for sure what's up.
I don't see how that could make a difference to the possible outcomes for her at this point, provided you're being honest with us about your monogamy.
I would consider having an honest conversation with her, telling her what you said here and what you're comfortable with. She'll either believe you or not; either answer will be valuable information.
posted by mhoye at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't see how that could make a difference to the possible outcomes for her at this point, provided you're being honest with us about your monogamy.
I would consider having an honest conversation with her, telling her what you said here and what you're comfortable with. She'll either believe you or not; either answer will be valuable information.
posted by mhoye at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Tell her what you just told us. Don't sugar coat it. You haven't done anything wrong, but she should know.
posted by eenagy at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by eenagy at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I had a pimple on my penis and had it checked out by the doctor. He thought it was likely acne but I went ahead and got an STD test anyhow and I'll know the scoop by Friday. Would you feel more comfortable using protection or abstaining until then? Is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?"
I'm unclear from your question if you and she had the STD talk and you lied about things, or if you're just beating yourself up because you feel like a goober for having had less-than-perfectly-safe sex in your past before you met this woman. If its the latter, forgive yourself. This is more or less normal even though imperfect.
In either case whatever's done is done, you either have an STD or not ( I strongly suspect not) and you're agitated because you don't know which. I think you will feel better if you come clean and maybe use this as a good excuse to have an STD talk with your gf now if you haven't had one already. And honestly, give yourself a break. From my vantage point you are someone who is concerned about your health and your partner's health, went to get something checked out [I am not sure how much I can stress that this is something good and not something necessarily normal among the young male population that I knew when I was your age] and are concerned about doing the right thing. I know it's tough to wait for results [I have been there, it was only the doctor actually LAUGHING at my "Is this herpes" freakout that got me to realize I was really having a disproportionate reaction] but you can not affect the outcome by worrying about it, just have a lousy week.
posted by jessamyn at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [15 favorites]
I'm unclear from your question if you and she had the STD talk and you lied about things, or if you're just beating yourself up because you feel like a goober for having had less-than-perfectly-safe sex in your past before you met this woman. If its the latter, forgive yourself. This is more or less normal even though imperfect.
In either case whatever's done is done, you either have an STD or not ( I strongly suspect not) and you're agitated because you don't know which. I think you will feel better if you come clean and maybe use this as a good excuse to have an STD talk with your gf now if you haven't had one already. And honestly, give yourself a break. From my vantage point you are someone who is concerned about your health and your partner's health, went to get something checked out [I am not sure how much I can stress that this is something good and not something necessarily normal among the young male population that I knew when I was your age] and are concerned about doing the right thing. I know it's tough to wait for results [I have been there, it was only the doctor actually LAUGHING at my "Is this herpes" freakout that got me to realize I was really having a disproportionate reaction] but you can not affect the outcome by worrying about it, just have a lousy week.
posted by jessamyn at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012 [15 favorites]
additional: send her a link to it as soon as soon as you can, in fact.
posted by oonh at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012
posted by oonh at 10:34 AM on March 15, 2012
Seconding everyone above, but I want to add it's really quite reasonable for both people in a relationship to get STD screenings when they're interested in or already starting to have unprotected sex (hopefully before though) regardless of sexual history.
If nothing else it can really help avoid anxiety, like you're feeling now, which can be a real libido killer.
posted by ODiV at 11:15 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
If nothing else it can really help avoid anxiety, like you're feeling now, which can be a real libido killer.
posted by ODiV at 11:15 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would not just send her a link to this; this is something you should talk to her about in person. That being said, you are being super hard on yourself, and don't be. You acted in good faith here, and lots of people who are monogamous don't get tested in between sexual relationships (maybe not the advised plan of attack, but VERY NORMAL). In other words, what Jessamyn said.
I can't speak for your girlfriend, obviously, but if I were in her shoes, I would not freak out that much on you. You are obviously not being cavalier about her health, and that's the key.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:16 AM on March 15, 2012
I can't speak for your girlfriend, obviously, but if I were in her shoes, I would not freak out that much on you. You are obviously not being cavalier about her health, and that's the key.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:16 AM on March 15, 2012
Seconding what Jessamyn said. Also, the fact that you actually are willing to talk to her about this, rather than just not saying anything, is gonna win you lots of "responsible boyfriend" points (there are a lot of guys who wouldn't say anything at all and try to keep this under wraps in the interest of "gettin' some").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:21 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:21 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yeah as Countess says, don't show her the post as a way to start the conversation. Adult-up, have the talk. I think how jessamyn framed it is a good way to base the conversation off of.
posted by edgeways at 11:22 AM on March 15, 2012
posted by edgeways at 11:22 AM on March 15, 2012
You haven't done anything wrong, but she should know.
Some people would be pretty pissed that you weren't responsible/considerate enough to get STD testing after ending your last relationship or starting the new one. Your partner might trust you, but has no reason to trust the monogamy of your last parter who, as far as they know, cheated on you or never got tested or whatever during your relationship. That you had never been tested would, at least to me (if I were your partner), be a pretty big deal and would be one I would definitely not be happy about, especially since I would have been sure to be tested before ever having had sex with you in the first place.
Nevertheless, this would probably wouldn't be break-up level anger or anything. But you should probably have the testing talk that you guys never had in the first place.
posted by vivid postcard at 11:53 AM on March 15, 2012
Some people would be pretty pissed that you weren't responsible/considerate enough to get STD testing after ending your last relationship or starting the new one. Your partner might trust you, but has no reason to trust the monogamy of your last parter who, as far as they know, cheated on you or never got tested or whatever during your relationship. That you had never been tested would, at least to me (if I were your partner), be a pretty big deal and would be one I would definitely not be happy about, especially since I would have been sure to be tested before ever having had sex with you in the first place.
Nevertheless, this would probably wouldn't be break-up level anger or anything. But you should probably have the testing talk that you guys never had in the first place.
posted by vivid postcard at 11:53 AM on March 15, 2012
Just to play devils advocate, has she had a full panel STD tests? you have only been going out for a couple of months. have the chat. don't open with this thought, and don't close with this, just have an honest chat for a couple of hours.
posted by kanemano at 12:20 PM on March 15, 2012
posted by kanemano at 12:20 PM on March 15, 2012
What jessamyn says.
Anecdotally, I've had the misfortune of dating someone who was "waiting on results" and I was damned unhappy when he told me after those results (and we had unprotected sex in the meantime) were in that yes indeed, he had herpes (which thank my stars he didn't transmit but still...).
posted by kinetic at 1:56 PM on March 15, 2012
Anecdotally, I've had the misfortune of dating someone who was "waiting on results" and I was damned unhappy when he told me after those results (and we had unprotected sex in the meantime) were in that yes indeed, he had herpes (which thank my stars he didn't transmit but still...).
posted by kinetic at 1:56 PM on March 15, 2012
kanemano: "Just to play devils advocate, has she had a full panel STD tests? "
Yeah, this was my thought too. If you haven't discussed this before, you need to consider the possibility that, in the unlikely case that this is an STD, you may not be the one who transmitted it.
posted by dg at 3:02 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this was my thought too. If you haven't discussed this before, you need to consider the possibility that, in the unlikely case that this is an STD, you may not be the one who transmitted it.
posted by dg at 3:02 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think being in a mature adult relationship means being honest about when you get tested, getting tested regularly, and trusting each other. There's no reason you can't use this as an excuse to start communicating about this more :)
And, I know you are talking a lot about "penetrative sex," but there are other ways to get STI's. Not that it sounds like you necessarily have one (siding with your doctor), but yeah. It's for like 14year old girls, but the website Scarleteen has some good advice on communication, sex, and STI's.
posted by manicure12 at 10:30 PM on March 15, 2012
And, I know you are talking a lot about "penetrative sex," but there are other ways to get STI's. Not that it sounds like you necessarily have one (siding with your doctor), but yeah. It's for like 14year old girls, but the website Scarleteen has some good advice on communication, sex, and STI's.
posted by manicure12 at 10:30 PM on March 15, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rich at 10:32 AM on March 15, 2012