Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a... snitch?
March 11, 2012 11:43 AM Subscribe
(TL;DR): He’s still online after 2 1/2 years. Now he’s engaged to my friend. I made the match. Do I do anything?
Two and a half years ago I joined a popular dating site. I got a lot of responses, and tried to answer them all, out of politeness, but often let the one-liners go. One such one-liner, from a guy I’ll call Z, was this: “You are terrific. Hope you find someone special.” I checked out the gentleman’s profile and saw that, indeed, he wasn’t my type. So I thought, “aw, that’s sweet,” and forgot about him.
About a month later, “Z” popped up in my Inbox again, with the subject line: “Non-date.” In the email he acknowledged that he wasn’t my type, but nonetheless proposed that I meet him with the sole goal of getting to know him well enough so that I could introduce him to one of my friends. I liked that; ballsy! So I met with him. He was unusually short, a bit pudgy, and rather taciturn, with a flat affect, but I did think of a match for him: my not-very-close friend “X.” So I arranged a double date. I though it was pretty random and couldn’t possibly work, but a few weeks later I heard through another friend who’s closer to both X and me (let’s call her “Y”) that X and Z had gotten together a couple more times.
Fast-forward three months. X and Z are dating. It’s going well! I beam with matchmaker pride. I, alas, am not so lucky, and so I’m still logging on and trying to find Mr. Right. One day, bored, I check to see who’s favorited me. Z’s profile pops up. His profile also reads “active within 24 hours.” I’m kind of shocked that his profile is still there at all, and even more shocked that he’s been active. (Plus, surely he would know that I would be able to see this.)
I talk to Y about it, and she advocates a “wait and see” approach before we tell either X or Z that we’re aware of this. Well, I’m still online and looking, and so I check in every so often. Months go by. And He’s. Still. There. And active. More months go by. X and Z are clearly exclusive. They’ve met each other’s families. (X, btw, does not have an account on the site.) Moreover, Z occasionally updates his profile with small changes in wording, interests, etc. (In his defense, his jokey tagline makes it sound as though he’s just having fun on the site, and not really looking for a date.) But I still have a funny feeling in my gizzard.
Fast-forward 2 1/2 years. They’re engaged! Awesome! The wedding is this year! I had pretty much given up on the idea of saying anything to either X or Z about Z’s online activity. I didn’t want to rock the boat, and I thought, well, maybe he just has a harmless online addiction. Maybe he’s bored.
During this 2 1/2 years I had cancelled my account, and then re-joined much later, after I’d moved thousands of miles away. With a new screen name and a new email address attached to my account. One day, I’m bored and I look to see who’s favorited me. And lo and behold, there pops up Z again. Active within 24 hours. He would have had to do an active, not passive, search to find me, as my screen name and location had changed. Moreover, his profile is highlighted in green, which means he’s still an active, paying member. And he is still there, and active, to this very day.
So my questions are three: 1) Why would he be doing this? 2) Is it my responsibility to say something to either X or Z about it before they tie the knot? 3) If so, what do I say, and to whom?
Two and a half years ago I joined a popular dating site. I got a lot of responses, and tried to answer them all, out of politeness, but often let the one-liners go. One such one-liner, from a guy I’ll call Z, was this: “You are terrific. Hope you find someone special.” I checked out the gentleman’s profile and saw that, indeed, he wasn’t my type. So I thought, “aw, that’s sweet,” and forgot about him.
About a month later, “Z” popped up in my Inbox again, with the subject line: “Non-date.” In the email he acknowledged that he wasn’t my type, but nonetheless proposed that I meet him with the sole goal of getting to know him well enough so that I could introduce him to one of my friends. I liked that; ballsy! So I met with him. He was unusually short, a bit pudgy, and rather taciturn, with a flat affect, but I did think of a match for him: my not-very-close friend “X.” So I arranged a double date. I though it was pretty random and couldn’t possibly work, but a few weeks later I heard through another friend who’s closer to both X and me (let’s call her “Y”) that X and Z had gotten together a couple more times.
Fast-forward three months. X and Z are dating. It’s going well! I beam with matchmaker pride. I, alas, am not so lucky, and so I’m still logging on and trying to find Mr. Right. One day, bored, I check to see who’s favorited me. Z’s profile pops up. His profile also reads “active within 24 hours.” I’m kind of shocked that his profile is still there at all, and even more shocked that he’s been active. (Plus, surely he would know that I would be able to see this.)
I talk to Y about it, and she advocates a “wait and see” approach before we tell either X or Z that we’re aware of this. Well, I’m still online and looking, and so I check in every so often. Months go by. And He’s. Still. There. And active. More months go by. X and Z are clearly exclusive. They’ve met each other’s families. (X, btw, does not have an account on the site.) Moreover, Z occasionally updates his profile with small changes in wording, interests, etc. (In his defense, his jokey tagline makes it sound as though he’s just having fun on the site, and not really looking for a date.) But I still have a funny feeling in my gizzard.
Fast-forward 2 1/2 years. They’re engaged! Awesome! The wedding is this year! I had pretty much given up on the idea of saying anything to either X or Z about Z’s online activity. I didn’t want to rock the boat, and I thought, well, maybe he just has a harmless online addiction. Maybe he’s bored.
During this 2 1/2 years I had cancelled my account, and then re-joined much later, after I’d moved thousands of miles away. With a new screen name and a new email address attached to my account. One day, I’m bored and I look to see who’s favorited me. And lo and behold, there pops up Z again. Active within 24 hours. He would have had to do an active, not passive, search to find me, as my screen name and location had changed. Moreover, his profile is highlighted in green, which means he’s still an active, paying member. And he is still there, and active, to this very day.
So my questions are three: 1) Why would he be doing this? 2) Is it my responsibility to say something to either X or Z about it before they tie the knot? 3) If so, what do I say, and to whom?
The fact he isn't hiding his activity from you tells me he's not particularly trying to be sneaky.
Don't worry about it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:58 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't worry about it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:58 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
....Altho if it were me I would message him and ask him why he's there. Because I really would be curious.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd split the difference and tell Y. She's a closer friend to X than you are, so I'd be ok with trusting her to do whatever the appropriate thing is vis a vis X.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:59 AM on March 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
Is the site OKCupid? Because there are a lot of people on that site for reasons other than dating, such as finding friendships or taking fun quizzes.
posted by decathecting at 12:04 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 12:04 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Or maybe they have an open relationship and X isn't comfortable saying something.
posted by Brian Puccio at 12:08 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Brian Puccio at 12:08 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Folks, she says that he's a paying member of the site, which eliminates both "has set up a profile without paying" and, I believe, "is on OKCupid (for the quizzes)".
posted by feets at 12:09 PM on March 11, 2012
posted by feets at 12:09 PM on March 11, 2012
Best answer: Why not message him? Feign total ignorance! "Hey! You just popped up on my list (whatever you call it) - how funny! How are things with [girl]? I heard you were engaged. Hope it's going well! Don't let her find you on here! Lol."
Depending on what he says back, you can decide whether to let the mutual friend know or not. And then, if you can, block or hide him so you won't think about this anymore.
posted by amanda at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2012 [19 favorites]
Depending on what he says back, you can decide whether to let the mutual friend know or not. And then, if you can, block or hide him so you won't think about this anymore.
posted by amanda at 12:29 PM on March 11, 2012 [19 favorites]
It sounds as if he's a paying member of Match, from the description, and not a free member on OkCupid who's there for the quizzes.
OP: Does his profile say he is looking for just friends?
Considering that he favorited you, it's definitely not out of line for you to write to him and say something like, "I see you favorited me and are active on this dating site. Aren't you engaged to X? What's the deal?" Then, I would hold off on telling X your suspicions until you see and judge his reaction.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:31 PM on March 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
OP: Does his profile say he is looking for just friends?
Considering that he favorited you, it's definitely not out of line for you to write to him and say something like, "I see you favorited me and are active on this dating site. Aren't you engaged to X? What's the deal?" Then, I would hold off on telling X your suspicions until you see and judge his reaction.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:31 PM on March 11, 2012 [6 favorites]
Wow, major assumption... Absent other information, a pair of people are by no means "clearly exclusive" just because they've met each other's families!
More broadly: I can understand how you feel responsible for keeping an eye on the quality/reliability of this guy, but it won't do you any good to keep watching him with (again) no further information. Why not message him, say hi, ask directly?
posted by kalapierson at 12:32 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
More broadly: I can understand how you feel responsible for keeping an eye on the quality/reliability of this guy, but it won't do you any good to keep watching him with (again) no further information. Why not message him, say hi, ask directly?
posted by kalapierson at 12:32 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I, personally, would say something, because if I was the chick and- didn't know- I would want to know before I married him....
posted by misspony at 12:34 PM on March 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by misspony at 12:34 PM on March 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
Not really your business why he's doing any of this. Since he's favorited you, though, it doesn't seem out of line to message him back and say "hi, how are you/how's X?"
That said: be very, very, very clear with yourself about your motives here. Is there the slightest, tiniest chance that you think this could turn into some sort of drama, and that you like (on any level) being involved in drama? I am not accusing you of this, but rather just saying that if you know, in your heart of hearts, that your concern is something other than 100% selfless here, I think the best solution is to disengage entirely.
posted by scody at 12:38 PM on March 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
That said: be very, very, very clear with yourself about your motives here. Is there the slightest, tiniest chance that you think this could turn into some sort of drama, and that you like (on any level) being involved in drama? I am not accusing you of this, but rather just saying that if you know, in your heart of hearts, that your concern is something other than 100% selfless here, I think the best solution is to disengage entirely.
posted by scody at 12:38 PM on March 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Well, you already know that he uses the site for purposes other than dating. In fact that's all you know about how he uses the site.
posted by cmoj at 12:56 PM on March 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by cmoj at 12:56 PM on March 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
I understand the impulse to say this is none of your business, but I disagree. He actively made it your business by favoriting you (he knew you would see that). Not that you have to say anything, but this justifies you in doing so.
lf I were your friend, I'd want to know if my SO was active on a dating site. If I already knew, as long as you just passed the info along matter-of-factly and didn't speculate or try to drum up drama, I'd be thankful that you told me.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:57 PM on March 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
lf I were your friend, I'd want to know if my SO was active on a dating site. If I already knew, as long as you just passed the info along matter-of-factly and didn't speculate or try to drum up drama, I'd be thankful that you told me.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:57 PM on March 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Stay out of this. You don't know what's going on.
posted by spaltavian at 1:01 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by spaltavian at 1:01 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Does he say on his page that he's single? That he's looking for a relationship? There's a chance (slim) that he's looking for friends (for example when he contacted you to set him up). There's a chance they have an open relationship. There's a chance he's a scumbag.
If this was me, I would let X know that you are still on the site and recently stumbled across her fiance's profile and it shows he's active. Let her know and move on. But imo, she deserves the courtesy of being told about this.
posted by DoubleLune at 1:34 PM on March 11, 2012
If this was me, I would let X know that you are still on the site and recently stumbled across her fiance's profile and it shows he's active. Let her know and move on. But imo, she deserves the courtesy of being told about this.
posted by DoubleLune at 1:34 PM on March 11, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks for all the input. FWIW, it’s not OKC, it’s M. The relationship is not open (I asked her). I assumed they were exclusive b/c at 3 months she’d also updated her FB status to “in a relationship with [his name],” linking to his FB, and his primary FB pic was of the two of them. (He is not recognizable from his dating profile pic b/c it’s from over 25 years ago, when he had more hair & no glasses.) And no, I have zero desire for drama; just was wondering whether I was morally obligated as matchmaker to disclose questionable behavior. I know I’d want to know, if I were in her place. And I would take down my profile and ask my bf to do the same (as I have in the past, with success), if we were “going steady,” so to speak. But of course that's just me.
posted by Lettuce_Leaves at 1:39 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Lettuce_Leaves at 1:39 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh man. You really have no idea of the background info. It's totally possible that they have an open relationship. It's also totally possible that if you opened a conversation with the girl half of this couple (I can't keep the letters straight) she would Deny Deny Deny, because (in my opinion, wrongly, if both parties are cool with it) there's all sorts of ugly social stuff attached to being in an open relationship.
First step, stop playing telephone with the friend who isn't in the relationship. That is gossip and it's not helping any single person. Whatever you two come up with will be speculation at best. Deciding to wait until he's disappeared before saying something will get you...what? Waiting until the woman in the couple reveals that she's been cheated on and now has an STD will get you...What?
So. Just take a screen shot of the fella's profile, email it over to the woman in the couple with a note saying, "hey, maybe you two are in an open relationship. Maybe you aren't. Either way, I respect you enough to let you know that this is going on." Don't tell Ms. Telephone that you've done that. Stop telling her what you're running across online.
Don't ask any questions. Don't try to explain yourself. Don't be nosy and don't act like a snitch or be all "he's a jerk," or whatever. Because seriously, you have no idea what the behind the scenes information is.
And then back off. Stop communicating with, acknowledging this guy, or viewing his profile.
(I'm in a relationship. I sincerely hope that if any of my friends ever saw this kind of behavior in my partner they wouldn't assume that it was creepy OR just dandy.)
posted by bilabial at 1:46 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
First step, stop playing telephone with the friend who isn't in the relationship. That is gossip and it's not helping any single person. Whatever you two come up with will be speculation at best. Deciding to wait until he's disappeared before saying something will get you...what? Waiting until the woman in the couple reveals that she's been cheated on and now has an STD will get you...What?
So. Just take a screen shot of the fella's profile, email it over to the woman in the couple with a note saying, "hey, maybe you two are in an open relationship. Maybe you aren't. Either way, I respect you enough to let you know that this is going on." Don't tell Ms. Telephone that you've done that. Stop telling her what you're running across online.
Don't ask any questions. Don't try to explain yourself. Don't be nosy and don't act like a snitch or be all "he's a jerk," or whatever. Because seriously, you have no idea what the behind the scenes information is.
And then back off. Stop communicating with, acknowledging this guy, or viewing his profile.
(I'm in a relationship. I sincerely hope that if any of my friends ever saw this kind of behavior in my partner they wouldn't assume that it was creepy OR just dandy.)
posted by bilabial at 1:46 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Oh. On Not Preview.
Send her the damn screen shots. Messages from him, winks, favorites, whatever.
But still. Seriously, asking someone if they're in an open relationship is so not guaranteed to get you an honest answer. See what happens to the reputations of (some) women who are open about their openness/non-monogamy.
Until that changes, you have no real reason to 100% believe anyone who tells you they're in a monogamous relationship. (Also, see cheating, and the frequency with which it happens.)
posted by bilabial at 1:48 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Send her the damn screen shots. Messages from him, winks, favorites, whatever.
But still. Seriously, asking someone if they're in an open relationship is so not guaranteed to get you an honest answer. See what happens to the reputations of (some) women who are open about their openness/non-monogamy.
Until that changes, you have no real reason to 100% believe anyone who tells you they're in a monogamous relationship. (Also, see cheating, and the frequency with which it happens.)
posted by bilabial at 1:48 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you should let X know. She's your friend (even if a not-particularly-close one), she's planning to marry the man, and this is information she needs to have. It's not your duty to go around fixing the relationships of the entire planet or anything, but when harmful lies are being told to our friends, I think we do have a basic moral obligation to at least not be complicit in the lying.
And maybe he's not lying! Maybe you'll bring it up to her and she'll be all "oh, Z? Yeah, we have an great open relationship! Sorry, I'll tell him off for failing to mention this to you when he favourited you on a dating site, that forgetful scamp." If that's the case, then no harm done bar a bit of awkwardness.
You could speak to Z, of course. But given the situation, what could happen? He says "Yes, I'm actively looking to cheat on her" - you're still faced with telling X. He says "Oh hey, no, I'm just on this dating site to have fun, I'm not serious looking!" - you realise that this isn't really consistent with actively using and paying for the site since before the relationship started, however jokey his tagline is, and you're still faced with telling X. He says "You're right, I was looking to cheat, but now you've caught me I see the error of my ways and will stop immediately" - you're still faced with telling X, because yeah right. He says "It's an open relationship and X knows all about this" - you're still faced with telling X, because you'd only have his word for that, and since it's something he conveniently failed to mention to you when he looked you up on the site, would you be able to believe him?
Let X know he's on there, neutrally and calmly, and let her do what she wants with the information when she's got it.
posted by Catseye at 1:50 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
And maybe he's not lying! Maybe you'll bring it up to her and she'll be all "oh, Z? Yeah, we have an great open relationship! Sorry, I'll tell him off for failing to mention this to you when he favourited you on a dating site, that forgetful scamp." If that's the case, then no harm done bar a bit of awkwardness.
You could speak to Z, of course. But given the situation, what could happen? He says "Yes, I'm actively looking to cheat on her" - you're still faced with telling X. He says "Oh hey, no, I'm just on this dating site to have fun, I'm not serious looking!" - you realise that this isn't really consistent with actively using and paying for the site since before the relationship started, however jokey his tagline is, and you're still faced with telling X. He says "You're right, I was looking to cheat, but now you've caught me I see the error of my ways and will stop immediately" - you're still faced with telling X, because yeah right. He says "It's an open relationship and X knows all about this" - you're still faced with telling X, because you'd only have his word for that, and since it's something he conveniently failed to mention to you when he looked you up on the site, would you be able to believe him?
Let X know he's on there, neutrally and calmly, and let her do what she wants with the information when she's got it.
posted by Catseye at 1:50 PM on March 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
I would want to know. Could you send her some chit-chat and obliviously mention it, as though it's public and no big deal? "Oh hey, I was just thinking of you and Bob when he favorited me on Match. How's life? Can't wait to see you guys at the wedding. How's the planning going? Not too stressful I hope! Hope things are going better with your mom's situation, too. If you're ever down in Tampa, let's grab lunch. It's been too long!"
posted by slidell at 2:01 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by slidell at 2:01 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't understand why people are saying this is none of your business. These are two people who you know, and one appears to be lying to the other - and not in a "white lie" sort of way. ANY decent human being would tell X. Who cares about all this "they might not be exclusive!" and "she might already know!" bullcrap. If they aren't exclusive and/or she does know, what's the harm in telling her?
It comes down to worst case scenarios.
If you say something and:
....she knows, she might brush it off. No biggie.
...she doesn't know, she might break it off rather than be with a cheater.
....she doesn't know, she might get mad at you (some people do that), but you've already said you're not close, and at least you know you tried to warn her.
If you don't say something and:
....she knows, you'll probably still be stressing about what to do.
....she doesn't know, six months from now he might run off, leaving her heartbroken (and possibly burdened with marital debt, kids, etc.). Plus if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, she might not just get mad at you, but tell everyone else you can't be trusted.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 2:18 PM on March 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
It comes down to worst case scenarios.
If you say something and:
....she knows, she might brush it off. No biggie.
...she doesn't know, she might break it off rather than be with a cheater.
....she doesn't know, she might get mad at you (some people do that), but you've already said you're not close, and at least you know you tried to warn her.
If you don't say something and:
....she knows, you'll probably still be stressing about what to do.
....she doesn't know, six months from now he might run off, leaving her heartbroken (and possibly burdened with marital debt, kids, etc.). Plus if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, she might not just get mad at you, but tell everyone else you can't be trusted.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 2:18 PM on March 11, 2012 [5 favorites]
On a personal note, I had a similar experience - although I hadn't set the two of them up, I knew my friend's new bf was a creep. I told her this (avoiding obviously insulting language like "creep", of course). My friend did get mad at me and we became estranged. Several years later I find they're divorced, because he was being an abusive and adulterous creep. We're friends again...and she's ditched a number of other friends who apparently also thought he was a creep, but didn't actually feel like being truthful to her (so initially since it seemed all her other friends liked him, I appeared to be making up lies about him....but in reality the reverse was true).
Just saying, keeping quiet about little things (pants making asses look big for example) are fine....but marriage is a BIG. life-changing deal. Everyone should know all the facts before they enter into it, and if you're withholding facts, you're not doing anyone any favors.
I regret losing the friendship for a few years, but at least I know I did what I could.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 2:26 PM on March 11, 2012 [7 favorites]
Just saying, keeping quiet about little things (pants making asses look big for example) are fine....but marriage is a BIG. life-changing deal. Everyone should know all the facts before they enter into it, and if you're withholding facts, you're not doing anyone any favors.
I regret losing the friendship for a few years, but at least I know I did what I could.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 2:26 PM on March 11, 2012 [7 favorites]
Say to the girlfriend, "Hey, is everything ok with you and boyfriend? Saw him on Match so just wanted to be sure."
posted by amro at 4:45 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 4:45 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
If I were X (the fiancee), I'd be grateful if you told me. Even if we were casual friends, I would feel bad if, years later, you told me you'd known all along (regardless of whether it turned out to be harmless or not).
Also, I told a close friend a really hard thing several years ago about their relationship partner. I did it because I cared deeply about them and couldn't stand to be silent, even if it cost me the relationship. It cost me the relationship. I have not seen them for more than three years. I hope that one day we will be friends once more as was described above, but I'm not counting on it. I'm (still) terribly sad at the lost of the friendship, but I don't believe I could have done anything other than what I did and be a true friend.
posted by arnicae at 4:47 PM on March 11, 2012
Also, I told a close friend a really hard thing several years ago about their relationship partner. I did it because I cared deeply about them and couldn't stand to be silent, even if it cost me the relationship. It cost me the relationship. I have not seen them for more than three years. I hope that one day we will be friends once more as was described above, but I'm not counting on it. I'm (still) terribly sad at the lost of the friendship, but I don't believe I could have done anything other than what I did and be a true friend.
posted by arnicae at 4:47 PM on March 11, 2012
I'd be like, "Hey! What are you doing around here, Mr. X's-last-name? ;)" and see what he says. He seems to be not hiding it at all. If it were shady, I'd casually mention it around Y. I mean, if she cares, it's a good thing, and if she doesn't care, it doesn't matter.
posted by stoneandstar at 4:51 PM on March 11, 2012
posted by stoneandstar at 4:51 PM on March 11, 2012
The relationship is not open (I asked her).
I really don't understand how this came up, and why you didn't mention seeing him on dating sites during the same conversation.
posted by jacalata at 11:24 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I really don't understand how this came up, and why you didn't mention seeing him on dating sites during the same conversation.
posted by jacalata at 11:24 PM on March 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have zero desire for drama
If you have 0 desire for drama, then you do nothing.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:17 PM on March 11 [+] [!]
And when she mysteriously stumbles across his open account on a shared computer and finds you listed as a favorite you....I guess claim to have not noticed that it was him. Because boyhowdy, if she doesn't know this is going on, and finds out about it and decides to be mad you didn't tell her....
That might be some drama.
posted by bilabial at 9:32 AM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you have 0 desire for drama, then you do nothing.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:17 PM on March 11 [+] [!]
And when she mysteriously stumbles across his open account on a shared computer and finds you listed as a favorite you....I guess claim to have not noticed that it was him. Because boyhowdy, if she doesn't know this is going on, and finds out about it and decides to be mad you didn't tell her....
That might be some drama.
posted by bilabial at 9:32 AM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Drama might be what he wants to create (to answer question 1), since this all started with him saying "The woman I want won't date me, so I'll try dating one of her friends." I seriously doubt it's all been a means to this end, but that doesn't mean he can't have subconscious drama queen tendencies and/or impulses to sabotage his engagement.
(2) He chose to favorite you, rather than some safely unknown hottie OR an actual prospect. It's a bit like when someone leaves a message for someone else on your voicemail: while the situation is in no way your fault, some responsibility does start to slide towards your lap, since (a) he's referencing your friendship's original context, and (b) it seems like maybe he's looking to get caught. If he genuinely wants out (and isn't just thoughtlessly acting out the ambivalence any fiancé(e) might feel), she has a right to know to know before the wedding.
(3) bilabial and Catseye have provided good arguments for picking a brief, neutral, unassuming way to tell her, not him. To these I would add: gratify her potential need for information, not his for drama (see 1), and allow her to move gracefully in any direction she deems appropriate, unburdened by anyone else's interpretations (see 2).
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:37 PM on March 12, 2012
(2) He chose to favorite you, rather than some safely unknown hottie OR an actual prospect. It's a bit like when someone leaves a message for someone else on your voicemail: while the situation is in no way your fault, some responsibility does start to slide towards your lap, since (a) he's referencing your friendship's original context, and (b) it seems like maybe he's looking to get caught. If he genuinely wants out (and isn't just thoughtlessly acting out the ambivalence any fiancé(e) might feel), she has a right to know to know before the wedding.
(3) bilabial and Catseye have provided good arguments for picking a brief, neutral, unassuming way to tell her, not him. To these I would add: gratify her potential need for information, not his for drama (see 1), and allow her to move gracefully in any direction she deems appropriate, unburdened by anyone else's interpretations (see 2).
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:37 PM on March 12, 2012
I suppose it depends what the OP means by 'drama', in wanting to avoid same.
If you define it as exaggerated and inappropriate interpersonal turmoil, I think the OP can best avoid that by just giving X the information to do with as she will (in contrast with, e.g., demanding that X break up with Z immediately and subjecting X to all her own opinions on what Z was doing and why). If you define 'drama' as 'any interpersonal turmoil or disagreement whatsoever', on the other hand, then fair enough, maybe the OP's best route around that is to say nothing and cross her fingers that nothing will ever happen.
To me it seems odd to use 'drama' as a flat term to condemn all types of human conflict, to the point where someone in OP's situation might prefer to lie and withhold important information from their friend just to avoid the appearance of liking drama. But I'm aware that people vary, and OP might have a different definition of 'drama' than I do (as does lots of AskMe, to be fair). So it's OP's call to make, really. I just think it's worth pointing out that in her situation, 'avoiding drama' and 'letting X know her fiance's on dating sites' aren't necessarily incompatible.
posted by Catseye at 10:25 AM on March 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you define it as exaggerated and inappropriate interpersonal turmoil, I think the OP can best avoid that by just giving X the information to do with as she will (in contrast with, e.g., demanding that X break up with Z immediately and subjecting X to all her own opinions on what Z was doing and why). If you define 'drama' as 'any interpersonal turmoil or disagreement whatsoever', on the other hand, then fair enough, maybe the OP's best route around that is to say nothing and cross her fingers that nothing will ever happen.
To me it seems odd to use 'drama' as a flat term to condemn all types of human conflict, to the point where someone in OP's situation might prefer to lie and withhold important information from their friend just to avoid the appearance of liking drama. But I'm aware that people vary, and OP might have a different definition of 'drama' than I do (as does lots of AskMe, to be fair). So it's OP's call to make, really. I just think it's worth pointing out that in her situation, 'avoiding drama' and 'letting X know her fiance's on dating sites' aren't necessarily incompatible.
posted by Catseye at 10:25 AM on March 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: just wanted to say thanks to all again; I did talk to X. She hadn’t been aware of it, & appreciated my telling her. She asked Z about it & he said he signed up for a 2-year membership that expires soon, & he sometimes looks at the emails they send him. X said it was a little sketchy but she trusted him. (X hasn’t had a lot of dating experience, & is an exceedingly shy person w/ somewhat low self-esteem, and her previous relationship had ended b/c that guy had wanted an open arrangement and she hadn’t. So I didn’t feel right withholding info that, if left unsaid, might have led to her getting hurt.)
posted by Lettuce_Leaves at 12:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Lettuce_Leaves at 12:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by violetk at 11:53 AM on March 11, 2012 [7 favorites]