How to stop obsessing over incompetent new hire?
February 22, 2012 8:20 AM Subscribe
Help me stop raging about a difficult work situation.
I got promoted. My boss's stepson is being hired to take my place. He is incapable of taking over my responsibilities. Looks like this is actually going to happen and I can't stop obsessing. How do I stop thinking about this and just focus on myself??
I work for a small engineering firm. I was promoted about a month ago, but can't move into the new office (with a new awesome boss) until they hire a replacement. There is a big boss and a little boss. The little boss is in charge of hiring and has very strange and counter intuitive criteria. None of the interviewees or temps have worked out or left without harsh critique. This boss likes me very much, but I have become overqualified for this position and am looking forward to something new.
Two weeks ago,all of a sudden, he brings in his stepson to "try out" for the position. From the first day, it's very clear that he has a terrible attitude and no experience or education in our field. He has poor critical thinking skills and lacks technical knowledge, and the job requires a lot of problem solving and specialized skills, as well as direct contact with clients.
His dad seems willing to hold his hand and deal with his excruciatingly slow learning and lie to others regarding his progress, but how long will that last? I'm worried that if I go to the big boss about this and try to stop him from becoming a permanent employee, that little boss man will put off replacing me for another couple of months out of spite.
What I really want are strategies to STOP CARING. I don't want to let this terrible situation rule my life.
I work for a small engineering firm. I was promoted about a month ago, but can't move into the new office (with a new awesome boss) until they hire a replacement. There is a big boss and a little boss. The little boss is in charge of hiring and has very strange and counter intuitive criteria. None of the interviewees or temps have worked out or left without harsh critique. This boss likes me very much, but I have become overqualified for this position and am looking forward to something new.
Two weeks ago,all of a sudden, he brings in his stepson to "try out" for the position. From the first day, it's very clear that he has a terrible attitude and no experience or education in our field. He has poor critical thinking skills and lacks technical knowledge, and the job requires a lot of problem solving and specialized skills, as well as direct contact with clients.
His dad seems willing to hold his hand and deal with his excruciatingly slow learning and lie to others regarding his progress, but how long will that last? I'm worried that if I go to the big boss about this and try to stop him from becoming a permanent employee, that little boss man will put off replacing me for another couple of months out of spite.
What I really want are strategies to STOP CARING. I don't want to let this terrible situation rule my life.
Maybe you have some more general problems with anxiety, that are causing you to focus on this?
If so, a lot of the times in situations like this, it's often the anxiety that is the real problem, and not the apparent problem (in this case the stepson). A therapist can help you to start talking anxiety issues.
posted by carter at 8:25 AM on February 22, 2012
If so, a lot of the times in situations like this, it's often the anxiety that is the real problem, and not the apparent problem (in this case the stepson). A therapist can help you to start talking anxiety issues.
posted by carter at 8:25 AM on February 22, 2012
Is your new position related to the old one in any way? Will you have to deal directly with little boss or his dipshit son? If not, then who cares? If so, then still, who cares? Once you're in the new spot, THEN you can talk to your new boss about how useless the new guy is and go from there.
posted by Grither at 8:25 AM on February 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by Grither at 8:25 AM on February 22, 2012 [9 favorites]
You resent it because clearly, this stepson is not anywhere near as good as you were in that position, and you don't like the possibility that anyone else would think that he is. You are taking this personally as a reflection on you.
But little boss bringing his stepson to try out for the role isn't a devaluation of your qualities or skills. It's not personal. You get over caring by realizing that:
1) Even the most patient handholders get tired of handholding - everyone has a limit.
2) Being bad at your work speaks pretty loudly to others - and to yourself. This new guy is probably very aware that he is not cutting it and isn't feeling great about continuing to suck. He has a limit too.
And most importantly: 3) It's not your problem if this poor guy doesn't fill your huge shoes because you have moved on to bigger and better things. His shortcomings are on him. You have new fish to fry, etc.
(Unless you would become this guy's manager? That would be different...)
posted by sestaaak at 8:30 AM on February 22, 2012 [14 favorites]
But little boss bringing his stepson to try out for the role isn't a devaluation of your qualities or skills. It's not personal. You get over caring by realizing that:
1) Even the most patient handholders get tired of handholding - everyone has a limit.
2) Being bad at your work speaks pretty loudly to others - and to yourself. This new guy is probably very aware that he is not cutting it and isn't feeling great about continuing to suck. He has a limit too.
And most importantly: 3) It's not your problem if this poor guy doesn't fill your huge shoes because you have moved on to bigger and better things. His shortcomings are on him. You have new fish to fry, etc.
(Unless you would become this guy's manager? That would be different...)
posted by sestaaak at 8:30 AM on February 22, 2012 [14 favorites]
I think when I've observed myself caring about something that is taking up too much mindspace, making me feel obsessive or otherwise unproductive, I have to stop and figure out why it bothers me so much. Usually when I get to the bottom of that question, just knowing the answer redirects my analyzing (and sometimes, over-analyzing) to something that is more about me (which I have more control over changing) and less about the other person/persons/situation/etc. (which I tend to have about zero control over changing).
Are you annoyed because it seems like an unfair situation? (i.e. other qualified applicants were terminated/let go to then be replaced by the apparently under-qualified stepson). Is it bothersome to see that someone who may not take the job as seriously as you once did is being brought on to do the job, and might fail?
Bottom line, I would not go to the big boss about this -- these things have a way of rising to the surface, particularly when one works with clients, and if he truly is not learning the ropes, this will eventually reflect poorly on his performance, as well as potentially having the added effect of damaging his step-dad's reputation as a reputable hiring manager.
posted by Ham_On_Rye at 8:33 AM on February 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
Are you annoyed because it seems like an unfair situation? (i.e. other qualified applicants were terminated/let go to then be replaced by the apparently under-qualified stepson). Is it bothersome to see that someone who may not take the job as seriously as you once did is being brought on to do the job, and might fail?
Bottom line, I would not go to the big boss about this -- these things have a way of rising to the surface, particularly when one works with clients, and if he truly is not learning the ropes, this will eventually reflect poorly on his performance, as well as potentially having the added effect of damaging his step-dad's reputation as a reputable hiring manager.
posted by Ham_On_Rye at 8:33 AM on February 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
Sounds like you're still emotionally invested in the old job, anon. You probably worked hard to get that job, and worked hard at that job; you mention you've grown out of it. It can be frustrating to see an incompetent new guy hired into the position when you've cried tears of blood over it.
But honestly, unless your new position is directly affected by this new dweeb, then it's time to let go. Yes, it sucks to see others handed things on a silver platter, and have their hands held and their eyes shielded when they fuck up. The world was never a fair place. Focus on the skills and experience you gained as a result of having done that job, and look onwards and upwards.
If your new job is indeed affected by this new guy, then you need to have a conversation with little boss about how the transition is going to work. Most importantly, you will not be 'covering' for the new guy, but expecting him to provide his part of the puzzle to you. Do NOT, under any circumstances, allow yourself to become part of this kid's scaffolding, because you will end up doing your old job and your new job too.
Good luck.
posted by LN at 8:33 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
But honestly, unless your new position is directly affected by this new dweeb, then it's time to let go. Yes, it sucks to see others handed things on a silver platter, and have their hands held and their eyes shielded when they fuck up. The world was never a fair place. Focus on the skills and experience you gained as a result of having done that job, and look onwards and upwards.
If your new job is indeed affected by this new guy, then you need to have a conversation with little boss about how the transition is going to work. Most importantly, you will not be 'covering' for the new guy, but expecting him to provide his part of the puzzle to you. Do NOT, under any circumstances, allow yourself to become part of this kid's scaffolding, because you will end up doing your old job and your new job too.
Good luck.
posted by LN at 8:33 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
The stepson is not going to bring down the company. He is not going to sully your name and position. Complaining about it to little boss will get you nowhere as, well, the new guy is family and you're not. Going over little boss' head to big boss will reflect really, really poorly on you.
There's absolutely no way you can take on nepotism and win. Little boss is clearly willing to jump through hoops to keep the stepson on board. How long? Well, that's not your problem. When he gets fed up, it's not going to reflect on you, assuming you're not being put in charge of the guy.
Big boss? Big boss more than certainly trusts little boss on management issues than he does you. Plus, when you get as high up in the ranks as big boss is, nepotism and cronyism is the status quo.
posted by griphus at 8:35 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
There's absolutely no way you can take on nepotism and win. Little boss is clearly willing to jump through hoops to keep the stepson on board. How long? Well, that's not your problem. When he gets fed up, it's not going to reflect on you, assuming you're not being put in charge of the guy.
Big boss? Big boss more than certainly trusts little boss on management issues than he does you. Plus, when you get as high up in the ranks as big boss is, nepotism and cronyism is the status quo.
posted by griphus at 8:35 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Unless the stepson will be reporting directly to you, or you are afraid you will be required to continue some of the duties of your former position to cover for him, I wouldn't worry about it.
The stepson will succeed or fail on his own. Likely he will fail, which will in no way reflect on you (although it may on little boss), or he may rise to the challenge and succeed (after a possibly difficult transition period). You never know.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
The stepson will succeed or fail on his own. Likely he will fail, which will in no way reflect on you (although it may on little boss), or he may rise to the challenge and succeed (after a possibly difficult transition period). You never know.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:41 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
This happens all the time in family owned companies, both small and large.
Find a new job.
posted by caclwmr4 at 8:47 AM on February 22, 2012
Find a new job.
posted by caclwmr4 at 8:47 AM on February 22, 2012
If I'm reading this right, in a month you'll be in a new office and a different chain of command, at least partially. You will not report to the SSOB and the SSOB will not report to you.
Live with it for a month. If you're asked to train the new guy, do so very carefully and document what you're doing to the extent possible.
I don't know how you deal with it emotionally, except that I'd nth the idea that you're emotionally attached to your old job.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:03 AM on February 22, 2012
Live with it for a month. If you're asked to train the new guy, do so very carefully and document what you're doing to the extent possible.
I don't know how you deal with it emotionally, except that I'd nth the idea that you're emotionally attached to your old job.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:03 AM on February 22, 2012
Arrrgh. I feel for you. If Idiot Stepson's performance will affect your job or how you're evaluated, that's a whole lot trickier. But if Idiot Stepson's work won't affect your job, then yes, the clear thing to do is to let it go.
I sometimes (ok, often) get frustrated at the unfairness of things. People who seem to have things handed to them on silver platters, who've never struggled to achieve something important, who constantly have people around willing and able to bail them out if necessary. I've tried to tell myself that I don't know their struggles, and that each person's load seems heavy to them simply because they haven't ever known any other burden. I've tried thinking about how it's not their fault things worked out well for them. I've even tried (spitefully) to console myself with fantasies of their eventual massive failure in life.
None of that works consistently for me. At the end of the day, the thing that gets me through is the question: Would I change anything for myself? If I got to choose, would I have taken the entitled/silver platter path? Or would I have chosen the route of hard work and hurdles that got me to where I am today? Would I give up all the knowledge and skill and expertise and character I've earned in order to coast through life on the coattails of others?
Invariably, the answer is NO. And somehow, knowing that, my resentment melts away, because who cares what Idiot Stepson gets in his life? I get to be proud knowing that I created the the smart, capable, and resourceful person I am, and that I have the respect of people important to me. And nobody, no matter how pampered or unfairly advantaged, can take that away from me.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 9:40 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
I sometimes (ok, often) get frustrated at the unfairness of things. People who seem to have things handed to them on silver platters, who've never struggled to achieve something important, who constantly have people around willing and able to bail them out if necessary. I've tried to tell myself that I don't know their struggles, and that each person's load seems heavy to them simply because they haven't ever known any other burden. I've tried thinking about how it's not their fault things worked out well for them. I've even tried (spitefully) to console myself with fantasies of their eventual massive failure in life.
None of that works consistently for me. At the end of the day, the thing that gets me through is the question: Would I change anything for myself? If I got to choose, would I have taken the entitled/silver platter path? Or would I have chosen the route of hard work and hurdles that got me to where I am today? Would I give up all the knowledge and skill and expertise and character I've earned in order to coast through life on the coattails of others?
Invariably, the answer is NO. And somehow, knowing that, my resentment melts away, because who cares what Idiot Stepson gets in his life? I get to be proud knowing that I created the the smart, capable, and resourceful person I am, and that I have the respect of people important to me. And nobody, no matter how pampered or unfairly advantaged, can take that away from me.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 9:40 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
The way to stop thinking about this is to realize how good you are going to look in a month when they compare what idiot stepson is doing to the terrific job you did.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:56 AM on February 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:56 AM on February 22, 2012 [5 favorites]
I was at a user experience talk by Jared Spool last night, and he had a piece of advice, related to consulting but I think it's applicable to a lot of situations: "You can't stop people from sticking beans up their nose."
Later, you can ask how that's working out for them, but for now, you can't stop them. Right now, they have a bean and a nose and they're going to use it.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:04 AM on February 22, 2012 [7 favorites]
Later, you can ask how that's working out for them, but for now, you can't stop them. Right now, they have a bean and a nose and they're going to use it.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:04 AM on February 22, 2012 [7 favorites]
Between heirs and yes-men and pretty people who can't really sing, there are thousands upon thousands of people out there who are unqualified for whatever measure of success they have had. You can't fret over all of them. This kid is just one of them. If his incompetence interferes with your work, document it. Otherwise, well, he's Paris Hilton -- her effect on your life is precisely what you allow her to have, and not a farthing more.
posted by Etrigan at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Well, it stands to reason that your boss has found fault with the other possible candidates for this job precisely because he feels personal pressure at home to employ Step-son, and he likely felt he could not plausibly hire said son until other candidates had tried and failed. This is a personal issue for little boss that is much, much bigger than you or this position, I would wager.
Nepotism is a part of life in family-owned firms. There are a number of ways you can play this situation, though.
1.) You can offer to train Step-son to do your former job. You will be viewed as being fair and loyal to the company and its mission, and it is likely that little boss will be indebted to you. This could be valuable in the future for you, and it also ups the chances that the work you're worried won't get done properly will get done properly by Step-son.
2.) You can step away from Step-son and little boss and watch as they cook their own respective gooses. You can then swoop in and help save the day after the fact; this option is knotty because it will require you to, at some point, perform two jobs for one salary, at least until a suitable replacement can be found. Also, it's super manipulative and martyr-y and exhausting.
3.) You can step away from Step-son and little boss, throw yourself into your new position, and let the chips fall where they may. If Step-son fails, you can simply nod sympathetically and turn back to your own work, knowing that company will likely not make same mistakes going forward, and that little boss may have a larger problem on his hands than a bum Step-son and a pissed off wife.
Personally, I'd probably be in there trying to train the guy, but that's because I'm overly sympathetic to people who get in their own way. I don't claim this to be a brilliant strategy for long-term personal satisfaction by any stretch of the imagination. You'd probably be happiest if you just spent some time thinking of creative ways to expand the specifications of your new job so you can make yourself even more valuable to the company and position yourself for better pay and benefits in the years to come, should you enjoy the work and choose to stick with this company for the long haul.
Enjoy your promotion.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:18 AM on February 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Nepotism is a part of life in family-owned firms. There are a number of ways you can play this situation, though.
1.) You can offer to train Step-son to do your former job. You will be viewed as being fair and loyal to the company and its mission, and it is likely that little boss will be indebted to you. This could be valuable in the future for you, and it also ups the chances that the work you're worried won't get done properly will get done properly by Step-son.
2.) You can step away from Step-son and little boss and watch as they cook their own respective gooses. You can then swoop in and help save the day after the fact; this option is knotty because it will require you to, at some point, perform two jobs for one salary, at least until a suitable replacement can be found. Also, it's super manipulative and martyr-y and exhausting.
3.) You can step away from Step-son and little boss, throw yourself into your new position, and let the chips fall where they may. If Step-son fails, you can simply nod sympathetically and turn back to your own work, knowing that company will likely not make same mistakes going forward, and that little boss may have a larger problem on his hands than a bum Step-son and a pissed off wife.
Personally, I'd probably be in there trying to train the guy, but that's because I'm overly sympathetic to people who get in their own way. I don't claim this to be a brilliant strategy for long-term personal satisfaction by any stretch of the imagination. You'd probably be happiest if you just spent some time thinking of creative ways to expand the specifications of your new job so you can make yourself even more valuable to the company and position yourself for better pay and benefits in the years to come, should you enjoy the work and choose to stick with this company for the long haul.
Enjoy your promotion.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 10:18 AM on February 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Another thing to consider: being hired someplace because you're "friends with" or related to someone in the organization sets you up for toxicity right from the get-go. That person is always going to be "boss's son" or "the favourite" and is going to be shunned within the social circles of the office as a result. Who the hell wants to talk to him, knowing he's so tight with the boss? Depending on how toxic your workplace already is, that can lead to some outright hostility on the part of some people, or being sucked up to by others looking to use him as a rung on the corporate ladder.
Whatever you might think of how easily this new guy got the job, or how easy you think he has it now, he doesn't have it as easy as you imagine.
posted by LN at 11:12 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Whatever you might think of how easily this new guy got the job, or how easy you think he has it now, he doesn't have it as easy as you imagine.
posted by LN at 11:12 AM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
FAKE IT!
Cheerfully accept that this is the new hire. Express surprise when he doesn't do stuff to your standard (or anyone's actually standard for the position) and then tell him, "You'll figure it out, I'm sure. Little boss can answer any other questions you have as you go." When you think about him, smile. I mean it. Fucking smile and imagine how great it's going to be to move on and earn more pay (I do hope that's the case). Smile and imagine what a silly nightmare Little Boss has in store for himself. What a maroon!
Can you plan a serious vacation/downtime in between the old job and the new job? I strongly recommend it, if you can. You'll be pretty bogged down in transition, new-job stuff in the first few months. If you can arrange a little time away or even just a week of nothing-to-do at home... you can smile and think of that.
I totally get your bitterness and frustration but the poster above who said you can't fight nepotism is right. Best of luck! Smile on your way to lunch today! You're one step closer to better things!
posted by amanda at 11:27 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Cheerfully accept that this is the new hire. Express surprise when he doesn't do stuff to your standard (or anyone's actually standard for the position) and then tell him, "You'll figure it out, I'm sure. Little boss can answer any other questions you have as you go." When you think about him, smile. I mean it. Fucking smile and imagine how great it's going to be to move on and earn more pay (I do hope that's the case). Smile and imagine what a silly nightmare Little Boss has in store for himself. What a maroon!
Can you plan a serious vacation/downtime in between the old job and the new job? I strongly recommend it, if you can. You'll be pretty bogged down in transition, new-job stuff in the first few months. If you can arrange a little time away or even just a week of nothing-to-do at home... you can smile and think of that.
I totally get your bitterness and frustration but the poster above who said you can't fight nepotism is right. Best of luck! Smile on your way to lunch today! You're one step closer to better things!
posted by amanda at 11:27 AM on February 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
What I really want are strategies to STOP CARING.
Try thinking of it this way:
If they somehow make it work, it's not a problem. If they don't and it becomes apparent to everyone that the job you used to do is a difficult one because even somebody who got the position through (and will be judged through the filter of) nepotism is a failure, then (unless he's a direct report to you - which it doesn't seem like), it will only serve to make you look even better.
Despite it being an ick situation, for you, it actually seems win/win.
(I realize that sometimes being a person who thinks the world should be fair means you have to overlook petty injustices that feel really important because they affect your world. This sucks. I feel your pain more than you can know and do not mean to seem to be dismissing it. My advice is much easier to give than follow.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:25 PM on February 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're not going to change the situation, and if you try you're probably going to screw yourself.
Offer the son access to resources if you can, and since you moving on depends partially on getting your position filled then start helping the kid succeed. Unless his dad is literally an idiot, at some point, if the kid really isn't doing a good job or learning fast enough, then the dad will fire him and maybe they'll both be happier. Ideally, you'll be gone before that. It's not your issue though.
You have to keep doing a good job at *your* job, and it's not a bad just human, good thing to help the son as best you can. Feeling over your head, with the weight of a parent's expectations, well, that's a scary position to be in whether he even admits or realizes that.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:10 AM on February 23, 2012
Offer the son access to resources if you can, and since you moving on depends partially on getting your position filled then start helping the kid succeed. Unless his dad is literally an idiot, at some point, if the kid really isn't doing a good job or learning fast enough, then the dad will fire him and maybe they'll both be happier. Ideally, you'll be gone before that. It's not your issue though.
You have to keep doing a good job at *your* job, and it's not a bad just human, good thing to help the son as best you can. Feeling over your head, with the weight of a parent's expectations, well, that's a scary position to be in whether he even admits or realizes that.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:10 AM on February 23, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:22 AM on February 22, 2012 [6 favorites]