What can I do to get myself to feel attracted to a different type of man?
February 17, 2012 6:28 PM   Subscribe

What can I do to get myself to feel attracted to a different type of man?

I'm in my early 30s and have been single for about a year. I'm looking for techniques so I can become attracted to a man who is a better fit for me than the past men with whom I have had relationships.

The type of men I find myself attracted to are tormented geniuses. I don't mind the genius part, but the tormented part hasn't worked out well for me. I have been in three serious relationships, each with a tormented genius. They each failed for different reasons. These guys weren't horrible people, but our personalities weren't right for one another.

In the past year, I have met several non-tormented geniuses, who were interesting and fantastic on paper (one of which I have developed a nice friendship and wish I felt attracted to). I have yet to feel attracted to any of the men I have met the past year. I'm wondering if I'm not attracted to them because they aren't tormented. The idea that I would only be attracted to tormented men bothers me. I want to be attracted to a wide variety of men, hopefully who are mentally healthy.

Basically, I hate being attracted to such a narrow band of humanity. Have you been able to move from being attracted to unhealthy people to healthy people? How did you do it? Are there any techniques I can use to control to whom I am attracted? I have a second date with a great guy coming up tomorrow and I really want to be attracted to him. I didn't feel attracted on our first date, but I'd love to feel attraction on our second date.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total) 26 users marked this as a favorite
Oh boy, I used to be quite attracted to the tormented geniuses, but when I was college-aged. I think it was a mix of a few things.

-Feeling like my best and most attractive qualities were being kind, loving, caring, self-sacrificing, and understanding.
-Feeling like with enough effort I could fix their problems and lives for them (codependent).
-Feeling like if I were the one who was close and intimate to them, I would be special too, like they were.

As I grew up, I got less self-sacrificing, less co-dependent, and realized that it's impossible to fix anyone's problems for them. I also kind of lost the illusion that these guys were super special, after I really got to know a few of them.

If you can relate to any of this, it might help to examine a few of these things.
posted by cairdeas at 6:41 PM on February 17, 2012 [27 favorites]

Maybe take a break from dating for awhile? You may be trying too hard to be attracted to someone, and it may be time to re-set your attraction, so to speak.

Also, while not trying to fin a compatible mate, go do things that are completely opposite of the places you'd find tortured geniuses. What springs to mind for me would be something physical, like weightlifting classes, or sports. There are certainly tortured geniuses there, but maybe people who are also kind of non-tortured and more into other stuff.
posted by xingcat at 6:43 PM on February 17, 2012

You need to delve further into your attraction to these men. Ask yourself, what is it ABOUT the 'tormented' thing that you like, specifically? Obviously there are aspects of it that you don't like, and I think that if you can kind of unpack this and isolate the parts you like from the parts you don't, you may be able to start approaching this differently. Maybe it's the passionate and creative way they have of looking at the world. Maybe it's the fact that they bare their souls to you, that they're emotionally open (even if the emotions are negative). Maybe it's something else. But I bet you can figure it out.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:46 PM on February 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

It sounds like you are trying to find purpose and identity through your relationships, when instead you should be looking for fun and affection. Are you fulfilled in your work life?
posted by blargerz at 6:57 PM on February 17, 2012 [7 favorites]

Frankly, you sound desperate by saying you really *want* to be attracted to the next guy you date. I agree, you seem to try to hard. Do something YOU like to do for fun - who knows, maybe you meet a compatible date through one of your passions or hobbies. That might make for a better base than actively searching for "opposite of type you're usually attracted to".
posted by MinusCelsius at 7:00 PM on February 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Two years ago, I fell for an older lady pretty hard - but this was after two dates that were pretty lackluster. Rather than dismiss a potential for a relationship, I decided to give it a shot. It turned out that when we were in a more intimate space, we clicked, rather well. Coffee dates turned out to be a really bad way to determine how attracted I could be to this person - my usual paradigm of figuring out comparability was shattered.

You've been used to reacting a certain way to men you're attracted to, and you're using this set of experiences to determine whether or not you can be in a relationship with a person. You're used to swooning when they talk about their project that they're struggling over.

Maybe you need to step out of this paradigm. Not just the paradigm of swooning over the tortured genius, but also the paradigm of how you judge a person to be a potential partner.

I'm not exactly sure how you would do this. But here's a suggestion: Relax. If you're actually supposed to be with this person, eventually you'll figure it out. But in the meantime, just hang out with them. Be a person. Just try to connect to them. Over-analyzing the evening, and how attracted you are to him, might leave you stuck in your own head for the evening, ruining a potentially good date. And at the very least, you might make a new friend.

If you're going to be attracted to a broader band of humanity, you're going to have to interact with partners in new ways that you can't anticipate. Staying relaxed, staying in the moment, and being okay with acting and being in different ways is (in my mind) the only way to respond to these new challenges.
posted by justalisteningman at 7:20 PM on February 17, 2012 [6 favorites]

So you can figure this out either through self-scrutiny, or with the help of a therapist. Being attracted to fucked-up people because they're fucked up is a perfect way to avoid having to make a real commitment in a relationship; this may not be your motivation, but it damn skippy was my BFF's for many years.

Here's a question for you: if you knew a woman who was a genius who exhibited the same types of behavior as these guys, would you want to be friends with her? Would you think she was glamorous and tormented, or would you think she was kind of a narcissistic asshole?

My other issue with this, and this is my thing, is that I fucking hate the concept of "genius" beyond words. It's so often someone taking carte blanche to be an extraordinary douchebag to others because of their gifts or skills in a certain area, and seriously, what the fuck is up with that anyway?
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:56 PM on February 17, 2012 [24 favorites]

I can see a few reasons why you might be consistently repeating the same unsatisfying relationship pattern:

*control: the type of person you are attracted to is familiar and probably predictable to you; you don't want to put yourself in a situation where you won't know what will happen or how you will feel
*fear: going outside that type scares you, consciously or unconsciously, because you don't know what it will be like to be with someone who behaves differently
*low self-worth: consciously or unconsciously, you don't feel you deserve better
*symbolic and/or idealistic meaning: this type personifies or manifests something you want, something you're idealizing, so you pursue the type more so than the person. Maybe dating this type is a representation of an image of yourself you want to project, or a person *you* want to be (the type of woman who is the muse of a tormented genius)
*working out past issues: this could be parental relation issues or such
*combo of any of the above.

So I don't think you're going to change a set pattern of behavior overnight. You can't instantly force yourself to be attracted outside of your pattern without analyzing why you have this pattern and resolving whatever is underlying it. (Even if you did manage to force yourself, you might likely blow it all up with a restlessness, an unhappiness, a self-destructiveness in a relationship outside your pattern - because you're leaving this unexamined.)

That means therapy. If not therapy, well, you are at least aware of this pattern, and (you say) you don't like it, you want to change it. That's the first step. You have to do the work from there of picking it all apart, reading about it, thinking about it, analyzing it, and trying to get to the why underneath it all. It'd probably be best to back up off dating or slow it way, way down while you're sorting this out with yourself, and start asking yourself some deep questions. I don't think there's a band-aid technique that dodges all of that.
posted by flex at 8:06 PM on February 17, 2012 [14 favorites]

You might have luck finding a non-tormented genius who is into you and letting them know about this being a thing of yours along with tips on how to fake it. That way you get all the hotness but none of the nastiness?
posted by Blasdelb at 8:13 PM on February 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Once you mentally label a guy as a Tormented Genius, what tone of voice and speech tempo do you use to talk to yourself about him, inside your own head?

How big and bright is the mental picture you make of him?

After you figure that out, mentally apply that same tone of voice to describing someone else...
do it for a full uninterrupted minute or two or three....

while picturing him at the same distance and scale and brightness, and from the same angle...

and notice what happens.

(For the curious, this is bog-standard, basic NLP.)
posted by darth_tedious at 8:34 PM on February 17, 2012 [4 favorites]

Just one possibility - being with someone who's 'tormented' can make you feel very special or admired, in a sort of "he wouldn't be in to MOST women" or "MOST women couldn't handle this" kind of why. It's easy to be attracted to someone because of what being with him says about you, more than because of him, and so you might not be as interested in someone who doesn't make you feel like you're - caring, saintly, patient, brilliant, special in whatever way. If this rings true to you, I recommend looking away from relationships for a bit and trying to find other things you can do or contribute that will be worthwhile (volunteer, study, do thoughtful things for other people) so that you're not looking for self-worth in your relationships.
posted by Lady Li at 9:10 PM on February 17, 2012 [7 favorites]

Here's what I did to attract my awesome bf instead of a string of strong chemistry, insufficient integrity types:

Continue to date interesting guys who don't seem tormented, even if at first you don't feel that spark. Sparks are no indicator that a given person is right for you-- after all, if that were the case, we'd all be with the people with whom we felt the most chemistry. Often sparks indicate mutual damage as much as mutual attraction. The first step to dating healthier men is to realize this, especially if your attraction picker is essentially broken due to trauma/abuse/childhood issues.

Go on several dates with a few objectively nice, physically healthy men who have stellar integrity, excellent manners and good personal relationships. You may find, as I did, that if you put in the time with these guys who keep their word and are really into you, your attraction button can reset.

You'll discover, as time goes on and you have a better sample size, that tormented guys become less attractive than dudes who call you back and plan weekend trips, buy you flowers, notice your haircut, want to meet your family, etc.

The peace of mind of a healthy relationship can trump unhealthy drama if you only make the ACTIVE DECISION that drama is no longer acceptable. I did this: any time a man displayed a red flag or let me down once too often, I would next him, no matter the chemistry. I asked myself what I would tell a friend to do if a guy were treating her so carelessly and followed that advice, no matter if the man gave me butterflies.

Find a smart, cute, sexy best friend and build things from there-- give it time. And call those tormented geniuses losers, losers, losers and drill it into your mind that you don't date losers or want a man with loser qualities.
posted by devymetal at 9:25 PM on February 17, 2012 [47 favorites]

Listen to your skin, not your brain. Hang out and do something physical together (a hike, a 20 block stroll, go dancing etc.) Get a bit of a sweat up. Then when you are still and chatting, notice how close you are standing to him. Are you close or not? Ask your skin: "Skin, do you want to get closer to his skin?" Skin will tell you the truth. Trust your skin, not your intellect.
posted by Kerasia at 9:29 PM on February 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

My advice above is meant for when you are dating the non-tormented geniuses, the ones you intellectually think you may not be attracted to.
posted by Kerasia at 9:31 PM on February 17, 2012

I agree with the above post about doing an activity together.

I have become attracted to great-but-unexpected people when I am doing/making/creating/ working with them... in highschool, I'd get surprising crushes on the random people I'd be paired with for a science project, for example. Basically, pay attention to the people you know from the things you like doing... spending lots of time together, doing things you're both good at... this can often result in chemical bonds that seem to come out of nowhere (and in an atmosphere of high mutual respect).
posted by cejl at 9:38 PM on February 17, 2012

"Genius" is such an extreme aesthetic, like massive boobs or body hair or something. Do you need to know that they are just always going to be an infinity beyond you in some hard science or whatever, a kind of black hole? What about merely "smart," have you tried them at all?

I had some other stuff here that I deleted, but as someone a bit older than you going through a similar re-evaluation, I'd say learn to relax a little and date a mechanic or something, at least in conversation.
posted by rhizome at 10:41 PM on February 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

How about instead of thinking of them as "tormented" you make it seem less romantic by saying you like really smart, capable, but incredibly fucked up people?
posted by spunweb at 10:45 PM on February 17, 2012 [5 favorites]

I just realized that I didn't have to stop being attracted to tormented geniuses. I just needed to stop dating them.

One is a feeling, and the other is a choice. The choice part pretty much always happens first.

If it helps, start counting the number of tormented, messed up, or whatever you have going on there geniuses that you find yourself attracted to. Give 'em a number. Mentally collect them and examine them like they are a butterfly collection if you have to. Nothing wrong with paying attention to something that catches your attention so consistently. Experience your attraction as it happens - I imagine it's a pleasant experience. But see them like a life threatening peanut allergy. They just aren't good for you. Taste great. Not good for you. And nothing is worth your wellbeing. Certainly not some tormented scientifically/musically/whatever genius with the emotional intelligence of a stunted two year old. (It's about me! me! All mine!)

I used to think that tormented geniuses were special. But over time, I see that they really are a dime a dozen. And really draining. And if they weren't special, then I wasn't particularly special for being able to 'help' them achieve their 'genius'. Because actually, while it seemed different, they really actually could achieve any genius they were going to do without my caring. I was kind of like tassels on a cheerleading outfit: pretty, but irrelevant, really.

But stop trying to force yourself to be attracted to men who don't seem to be tormented. Instead, just be curious about them. Go on a date, and just be curious. That's all dating is, anyway. For all you know, they may be into tormented crazy girls, and you are too sane for them....at least until they hear you're into tormented geniuses only. All that to say, don't focus on forcing yourself to feel anything - feelings just happen. Just continue to make good choices for yourself, and avoid ones that you know are bad for you, and let the rest unfold in it's own time. As for the non tormented geniuses I dated, and the one I married, I found what was most uncomfortable for a while was that the benefit of hanging out with tormented geniuses is that there was no room for me, but non tormented geniuses actually are interested in you as a person. They ask questions about your interests, and your goals, and actually want to know how they can support you in achieving what you are interested in. And all that attention felt like squirming under the rays of a thousand burning suns. Until, well, it didn't, and instead felt warm, and loving, and lovely. But that change in perception took a while.

Therapy helped too, now that I think about it.
posted by anitanita at 10:56 PM on February 17, 2012 [10 favorites]

Becoming intimate is a proven way to feel attraction. I'm being serious.
posted by oxit at 11:26 PM on February 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure we have the same definition of tormented, but I have noticed that nice has finally become really attractive. There's still an instant sense of attraction whenever I meet a certain kind of insecure, self-absorbed know-it-all, but I no longer want to date them.

I lose my voice in relationships with tormented people. I used to hate my life, a lot, so getting lost in someone else's drama was a nice form of escapism. I also hated using my voice anyway; I liked having someone else take the responsibility for my opinions.

After the end of my last relationship, I swore to myself that I would always speak up. I found my voice again, and I find that I like taking responsibility for my opinions. I also found really great things to do with my time, and great people to spend it with. The idea of spending hours and hours with someone self-destructive and self-absorbed is not appealing in the least anymore. I treat myself well, so when someone doesn't treat me well, I wonder why I'm wasting my time when I could be having a much better time alone.

And, well, I used to think the tormented ones were special and unique. Now I've met enough people to know that most people are weird and tormented in some way, and it's the ones that have made it through somehow with integrity and kindness intact that are unique. I'm not sure I can relate to all of them, but they're more fascinating to me than the ones who haven't figured themselves out.
posted by sockomatic at 11:49 PM on February 17, 2012 [13 favorites]

They say going to see a scary movie, or exercising together, or walking across a rickety bridge, or going on a roller coaster, etc. can generate attraction "artificially."
posted by stockpuppet at 12:36 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think it starts with wanting to be with *yourself*. once this is in place, you will be able to relate to people who also want to be with you, instead of eclipsing you with their need for approval and control.

In my experience, true intimacy takes work, like learning to flap your wings to fly instead of gliding on the warm air of another person's ambitions.

Your insight into your patterns of attraction and your desire to do things differently indicate that awareness is dawning inside you and that you are already on the path to a loving relationship with yourself. This is awesome. Best wishes.
posted by macinchik at 1:35 AM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

You can't really make yourself feel attracted to someone - you can stare into someone's eyes for a long time or do things together (sexual or otherwise) but you're not necessarily going to become attracted to them by trying to force yourself.

I think perhaps the tortured ones seem more exciting and enticing whereas the others seem too vanilla? It's a bit like bad boys and nice guys the genius version. The nice guys aren't as exciting but they're geniuses all the same plus they'll treat you better, be less drama, and probably be around longer.
posted by mleigh at 3:24 AM on February 18, 2012

I can really identify with your problem, but as a man who dates women. I've found a lot of comments above very useful: I'll be using devymetal's "my attraction picker is broken" from now on.

Just wanted to say I disagree strongly with oxit's advice that intimacy is the way. You're already overthinking it and so putting yourself in an intimate situation in an attempt to force yourself to be attracted to someone is dangerous.
posted by infobomb at 4:52 AM on February 18, 2012

Becoming intimate is a proven way to feel attraction. I'm being serious.

It's worth a shot, but be careful with that. Becoming intimate before feeling attraction in order to try to create attraction usually leads to me feeling like I want to vomit at the thought of touching the person again, and being so disgusted by the thought of more intimacy that the idea of putting a slug in my mouth sounds better than ever kissing them again. But maybe that's just me.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 5:11 AM on February 18, 2012 [6 favorites]

It is possible to find *slightly* tormented geniuses who are also good to you and good for you. I know askme has this standard myth about "if you love yourself you will start liking the nice boring guys too, magic!" But preferring emotional intensity is a valid preference, just like any other. We don't all fit with Ward Cleavers.

So what you need to do is filter out the unacceptable behaviors, instead of looking for completely different guys. No mean guys, no addicts, no mental illness, no flakes, no users ... etc. It is possible to find an intense, brilliant guy who is good to you. Will it be as smooth going as with the "nice" guy? Perhaps not. But that may not be what you are looking for.
posted by yarly at 5:11 AM on February 18, 2012 [7 favorites]

I want to chime in with yarly. Emotional intensity is a valid attraction choice and doesn't necessarily mean you'll get treated badly. The problem is not "passionate genius." The problem is "guy who treats you like crap."

It took me a while to figure this out, too. I'm fairly high intensity, and was attracted to brilliant, high intensity guys, many of whom had zero social skills and didn't know how to behave in relationships.

Then I started talking to myself, as a poster mentioned above, about what behavior would be a deal-breaker. For me, it was about honesty and prioritization. For you, it might be something else.

Once you've figured that out, there is no harm in continuing to be attracted to passionate, brilliant people. There's no reason to try to force yourself to date "nice but boring" dudes. But you need to effectively fix your sorter. Sorters aren't magic! They go based on your own data. Your brain is a computer constantly running the numbers for what you want, and it (accurately) pegs that you like passion.

If you can start to differentiate between: passionate but able to be good to women, and, passionate but not able to be good to women, I think it will start to help.
posted by corb at 5:31 AM on February 18, 2012 [7 favorites]

Oh yeah, and I should add: I have used this with success, and have a lovely relationship with a passionate, brilliant man, who I would /never/ categorize as "nice", but is caring, wonderful, and incredibly good to be. I never have to compromise what I want in order to be with him, and it's really great. This can happen to you!
posted by corb at 5:34 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's hard, because tormented means, in part, that they "get it" - how difficult life is.

Recently I was in a restaurant and at the table next to me were three couples in their twenties/early 30's. They talked about their (fine) jobs, and discussed which of the Hamptons they wanted to rent a house in for the summer. They were not tormented. They accepted the culture as-is, and why not? The culture was working just fine for them. Sometimes there would be blips, of course, but then they would use their "skill sets" and "problem-solving approaches" and "resolve the conflicts."


Of course you love your tormented geniuses! the problem is that your tormented geniuses are overly narcissstic. You need (by using your skill set and problem-solving approaches) to find a tormented genius who

(a) exempts *you* from his/her torment - you need to be part of his/her "conflict-free zone"
(b) functions in daily life (but not TOO well)

There are a lot of people like this. Well, maybe not a lot -- but some. I would make up some questions to ask on dates that cover (a) and (b) to see if there is any hope. If you want to do this but you can't or are too lazy, ask me and I'll do it.

You also have to accept that you're not going to be "happy" some of the time, but that you're trading your non-"happiness" for boredom.


The question I'm left with is this: you say you were in three heavy-duty relationships with The Tormented, but their personalities didn't work with yours. That's awfully vague. What do you mean? What were their personalities like and why didn't they work with yours, and what are the correlations between the parts of their personalities that didn't work with yours and their tormentedness?
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:35 AM on February 18, 2012 [3 favorites]

don't just think about the lack of productivity of being attracted to tormented geniuses. think about yourself as an individual and put all of your great qualities in the context of being single. i mean, don't think, "oh, my tolerance and empathy would be great tools for a boyfriend" but rather believe, "i can recognize my my tolerance and empathy and that makes me beautiful and i love myself." take every opportunity to compliment yourself, even if it's just patting yourself on the back for doing/reading some obscure thing.

your problem might be that you want a great contrast to your personality because that's what makes the romance more invigorating and exciting but think about your best friends who you may feel like you have everything in common. i can promise you that there are still major differences between you and them and when i see that between myself and my friends, i am EXCITED to feel that our lives are interwoven even though we're two distinct individuals. this is how you want to feel when you're in a relationship but without the added weight of having to tolerate more than you should and the dysfunction of non-complimentary differences.

and it's not healthy to create archetypes out of people. i would hope that you don't see yourself in one archetype either! and if you don't, then begin to apply that standard of perception to everyone else, especially the guys you're attracted to. see their flaws, neuroses, complexities, idiosyncrasies, complexes, etc as you see your own.

what really helped me is forming my own self-identity and being honest about other people's flaws. it's about selecting the people who you connect to the most and whose flaws don't deter you from maintaining the relationship without the cost of your pride, self-respect, and value.

once you affirm that, i don't think you'll even necessarily see certain guys as 'my type of tormented-affected guys', you'll think of them individually and will probably see them more as "guys i don't want to be with."

and there might be a tormented guy who is so emotionally resonant and intelligent and sensitive and beautiful that is great for you but all you will think of him as a "guy i want to be with."

i understand too wanting someone with pain/who knows it but look for guys who aren't tethered by it but get bettered by it and use the process for insight. and better yet, understand YOUR pain and don't be tethered by it because if you use it as a way to get knowledge about yourself, the way you approach relationships will naturally get better as well.
posted by thischarmingirl at 10:09 AM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Anyone looking for emotional intensity can find it in people who aren't "tormented genius"-style narcissistic assholes.

Seriously, the whole "tormented genius" meme is so fucking toxic. It kills me that Byron is buried inside a church, because otherwise I would never stop pissing on his grave.

There are brilliant, emotionally intense, gifted and accomplished people in the world who are not utter douchebags who use their talents as an excuse to avoid acting like decent humans.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:05 AM on February 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

Something else to consider:

It is entirely possible to find men who have a naturally high level of torment but are proactive in *Working On It*. I'm not recommending that you date a total fixer-upper, just someone who shares a certain set of issues guys you find too milquetoast do not.


For awhile I had a hard time finding healthy men who understood depression or mental anguish who weren't jerks or moody hipster Peter Pans. The rest of the "nice guys" were too boring/not creative enough for me. I was/am (generally) pretty high-functioning but very depressed, so this was hard for me when dating. I found my bf at a depression support group. We were the most "normal", high-functioning people there but damn we have some issues! And both of us understood what that means!

We support one another in ways that non-depressed people would not understand, and have personal problems non-depressed people probably would not tolerate. The essential difference between our functional, positive relationship and a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship is that we're both really kind to one another and proactive about therapy/medication/not giving in. We're not enablers or deniers, we're supporters of health and rising above our disorders.

So if you could find someone who has issues but is consistently *On It* about fixing them in a long-term, committed way, you could hit paydirt. Your particularly empathetic qualities could actually be a good fit for someone who is assiduously committed to staying on the ball, especially if it's a lifetime struggle type of situation. The key thing is to find someone who has been on this path for awhile, not a new convert to health, happiness and emotional maturity.
posted by devymetal at 1:58 PM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

Without context, I can't tell if your tortured geniuses are interesting because you can mother them and you just like geniuses in general, because they provide a certain frisson of drama or because their pathos is good for the ego (This excellent violinist is still hung up on his mother and throws tantrums still? This brilliant mathematician is slowly burning himself out in pursuit of new truths and forgets to eat? I am so much more sensible and solid looking next to him!) or because you can participate in genius-y stuff by proxy because you're needed. (Maybe I won't cure cancer, but I can tend the engine of creation!)

Sorting out how to deal with that is going to be a matter of figuring out if you're doing it because you like 'em alpha skilled/brained and damaged or if you like 'em emo. The latter is self destructive, the former is a matter of being selective about the kind of damage. A genius with physical health problems might quite happily satisfy your need to look after someone without manufactured nonsense or very real drama that you don't need to clean up after (I take him to his doctors visits/I facilitate his already well managed diabetes), while someone with a creative bent who loves recreational emo but would never -dream- of getting it on him might warm the cockles of your heart while dragging you with him to the high drama film fest he uses as his outlet.

The darker, not necessarily co-dependent side of needing to feel comparatively superior to your partner because he doesn't have his shit together, despite being awesome, and that's something you need to come to peace with yourself.
posted by Phalene at 2:39 PM on February 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

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