Understanding romantic love

January 23, 2012 12:35 PM

Please help me understand the gray area in between being totally into someone you're exclusively dating and being in love with him/her? These things are virtually synonymous for me, but I love easily.

Say you've been dating someone exclusively for half a year or slightly more. You want to hang out with her all the time and touch her and talk to her at every opportunity. You're generous and supportive; you introduce her to your family; you regularly give her longing, soulful looks. Yet you're not expressing feelings of love for her. What is missing? What are you waiting to think or feel that you aren't thinking or feeling? Do you think you will? Has that opportunity passed and you figure that hanging out, enjoying each other, and having great sex is a good way to pass the time with someone until she decides she wants more than you can give?

For what it's worth, I haven't said it either and I'm not interested in advice on how to tell someone I love him. I know I'm supposed to say it joyfully with no expectations. I've done it before with other guys under different circumstances. This one is harder, though, because not only do I feel more vulnerable, but he's given no hints and he doesn't respond to my hints (yeah, yeah, I know). When I finally overcome my severe trepidation and break it out, I want to be prepared for the very real chance that he doesn't feel the same way. Help me understand some other perspectives.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I'm a fan of the somewhat co-dependent definition of love: The idea that your happiness is conditional based on the happiness of another.

Does that describe your current relationship (from both points of view)?
posted by FrotzOzmoo at 12:42 PM on January 23, 2012

Some people do "figure that hanging out, enjoying each other, and having great sex is a good way to pass the time with someone" they don't see themselves committing to for the long-term. There was a guy I dated for about six months and neither of us said "I love you" because, at least as far as I could tell, neither of us felt that way (and the relationship ended soon after). But none of us can tell you for sure what is going on with your partner.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:51 PM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Frustrating as it may be for you, saying "I love you" is not how everyone expresses love.
posted by amro at 12:52 PM on January 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

And I would also add that when some people say "I love you" they are not actually expressing love. The only way to answer this question is to TALK to him and don't stop til you both understand what each of you wants.
posted by spicynuts at 1:23 PM on January 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

He could be having the same thoughts as you. If you feel so good with him and feel you love him then tell him.

You will be hurt if he doesn't respond in kind, but you want to know, right?
posted by Dragonness at 1:29 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't think this is a question about love in general so much as about his love (or lack of) for you. Your description sounds like how I behave in love. But perhaps it's not his. I don't think this is really that mysterious as it is frustrating, maybe.
Reading again through the rest of your question: I think the other perspective that you need to understand is that he doesn't love you. Or maybe he does! But those are the two perspectives, really. I don't think there's some categorical psychology that you can apply to this. Why he doesn't love you/hasn't told you he loves you? That is for him to answer.
posted by jojobobo at 1:41 PM on January 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think obsessing about the "three little words" is mostly a sad side-effect of Hollywood movies and sitcoms. What you want to know is where the relationship is headed and how deeply you're committed to each other. The only way to find that out is to talk about it. Tell him you want to know how he sees the future of your relationship. If he says "hey, we're just having a good time, right?" then you know what you need to know.
posted by yoink at 1:52 PM on January 23, 2012 [15 favorites]

Hmm, I know this is anon, but by 'expressing feelings of love', do you mean specifically saying, "I love you"? Because if so, it could be amro's suggestion. Or is it something else - like the person isn't discussing long term plans with you in them, or discussing 'moving closer' in the relationship, whatever that means, like living together, civil union, domestic partnership, marriage, etc.

Whichever it is, it could be because:

1. They either don't know saying this, or discussing these things are important to you.
2. They are waiting for you to do these things.
3. They aren't ready to do these things, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. (see #1)
4. There is something specific that they want, whether they are conscious of it or not, and you do not possess that quality.
5. They think they are expressing the things you want them to express, just in their own way.
6. They are afraid of expressing love, however you define it, because they don't want to get hurt.
7. They are not expressing love to you, however you define it, because they do not feel this for you, though they feel many things for you.


Any of it's possible - and all of them require a leap of faith - of expressing love however you express it (and trying to express it however they understand it) because you are committed to being the type of person who does that. Say what you mean. Ask for what you want. Realize people aren't mind readers, but if given a chance might step up to the plate. Appreciate that that fear of vulnerability stuff is a grade A mind-messer-upper.

The best way I've seen people face it is to consider that they are primarily having a relationship with themselves, and with love, and with how they love. These things are within your power - what you feel, and what you are committed to, and how you will behave.

Focusing on how they feel, or will respond is tantamount to a feeling of powerlessness. Not bad on it's own really, but people start to try to mind trick themselves, assessing every move/or lack of move, weighing it's portent. That's just demoralizing, and a one way trip on the choo choo train of crazy-making, first stop: the chasm of despair.

I think that deciding that no matter who you are with - with a chatty cathy/charlie who professes love at the drop of a hat, or with a silent sarah/sam who waits to hear you express love first, and then waits another six months to express love back - you're going to be you, is the only way to navigate such situations with gracefulness.

That's because no matter what we suggest here, there could be some unexpected situation that one just could not imagine, and trying to brace yourself with information really only gets you so far towards feeling OK. It's like looking online for medical information because you feel a lump - it's the first thing I'd do, but I know somehow I'm going to mind-gnaw on 'cancer' over 'sebaceous cyst' every time. Hopefully once your done hearing about possibilities, even the worst ones, you'll still feel okay with asking him what's going on for him, and be okay with what you hear.
posted by anitanita at 1:53 PM on January 23, 2012 [9 favorites]

A thousand times what anitanita said. And I'd add that you need to do some follow-up work: observe and reflect to make sure that your loved one's actions match whatever is said in this discussion.

I'll also add the the anitanita list is best-case scenarios. It's okay if you start a discussion and it doesn't go well and this romance is not going to be want you want. Really. Better to have lost because it wasn't love than to have lost because you thought it was love.... Or something. The point is making a reality-based decision is best for future you.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:05 PM on January 23, 2012

Adding to what others have mentioned, there's the conceptof "love languages". He may feel like he plainly expresses his love constantly. And you may feel that your hints must be evident to him too. But the messages don't connect when we're unaware that a partner expresses their love differently. It's possible that for him words are hollow in comparison to loving action or gifts or what-have-you. In what ways have you seen him show love to family/friends/others?
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 4:09 PM on January 23, 2012

At 6 months, I think that the difference between being "totally into" someone and being truly in love with them is: time.

I think for many, actually truly loving someone requires an actual investment of time. This can be said of someone you already know you care for deeply, and will probably fall in love with; you just need to experience life with that person before that is the case.
posted by vivid postcard at 4:11 PM on January 23, 2012 [4 favorites]

For me it was time. I'd been seeing her for about six months, and everything was exceptional, but love is more than just having fun with someone. It's more than having inside jokes and cute looks and good sex and soulful looks. In fact, I'd say that love comes when you realise that you could lose all the good things and you'd still stick around. When their happiness comes first, and that the joy you get from it is secondary to the joy you want them to have.

That takes time. Besides, far more important than a few little words is the fact that you're loving the time you're spending with this guy. So if he takes a little longer to get to the point where he can truly say 'I love you', what does it matter?
posted by twirlypen at 6:17 PM on January 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

God. HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM. ASK HIM HOW HE FEELS.

Sorry but this kind of 'does he feel what i feel even though i havent made myself vulnerable about it at all i want you all to read his mind based on a very brief description which makes him sound emotionally unavailable' stuff drives me nuts.

If you want to know, talk to him about it. End of story.
posted by softlord at 7:00 PM on January 23, 2012

I think a lot of nice, non-alpha guys in hetero relationships like the lady to set the emotional boundaries. There's kind of an "open for business" mentality, where they think that love means being available and willing to say yes when things are asked of them, rather than offering it. Which is a point of frustration for many women who appreciate having their needs anticipated. I don't think men realize that women wing it as much as they do.

This isn't necessarily laziness--a lot of guys are very conditioned these days to believe that they are helpless in relationships and look for a woman who can tell them how to do it. Also, this is because guys like to get things right the first time, and don't want to take chances on doing it wrong. People like to be successful at things, and a fear of failure is a powerful way to keep a man silent. The result is that they tend to hang back and wait for a definitive sign that the moment is right, not realizing that the sign could come from within them rather than from you.

He may love you a lot, but is waiting for you to say it so he knows that you want to hear it. Why not drop the l-word yourself and see what happens?
posted by elizeh at 8:09 PM on January 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

I waited until I couldn't wait any more. I had to say it or something inside me was going to explode. The first time was awkward -- I had very poor timing, I led into it very badly, and it was very soon in the relationship, much sooner than 6 months. And you know what? He told me flat-out that although he cared for me deeply, he couldn't say "I love you" yet.

It felt more like relief than anything, honestly, to know that he wouldn't say something like that if he didn't feel it yet. And it took another few months, during which I tried but just couldn't resist telling him that I loved him, until he did tell me in words, "I love you."

We still don't throw it around like I have in other relationships. I feel very, very loved, but his way of telling me is non-verbal. But all this is to say that even if he doesn't say it back right away, or even if he doesn't express love in the same way that you do, the world won't crumble, there's still hope for your relationship, and you can still tell him that you love him if that's the way you feel.

Life is too short to keep something like that in if you feel it. It's scary to think you might be more invested. Feeling vulnerable is very frightening. But that's part of what love is, being invested, and I think that's what living life's about.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:01 AM on January 24, 2012

anitanita is spot on:

Appreciate that that fear of vulnerability stuff is a grade A mind-messer-upper

There is nothing worthwhile in life gained without risking vulnerability. Nothing.
posted by ead at 9:43 PM on January 24, 2012