don't wanna be that creepy guy...
January 19, 2012 4:58 PM Subscribe
Stumbled across a potential relationship on the interwebz but due to snowflake details it might be a bit creepy.
About 5 months ago I met someone on a dating site. We emailed back and forth a few times then she asked for my number. I sent it to her and she immediately texted me to say that we should try and meet up at some point soon. However, our respective geographic locations were to be a bit of an issue. We both live about 45 min/ 1 hour outside of a major north east city – but in opposite directions. Because she works in the city, she was using it as her base for the dating site location. We texted back and forth a few more times and arranged to meet at the end of that week. She texted me the day before to say she couldn’t make it due to having to help a friend out with her wedding favors for the NEXT weekend. I was fine with that and let her know we should still try to do something soon and she agreed. I didn’t hear from her during the week and texted her the next week to see about plans for the weekend. No response. After a day, she replied with something to the effect of, “Oh, hi Anon…I’m sorry but things have been changing quickly in my life and I’m not really dating at the moment, but best of luck”! I thought this a bit odd due to her 1. Initiating contact on the site, 2. Asking for my number, 3. Suggesting that we meet up, but I took it in stride and replied “thanks” (Why this happens, and it’s happened more than a few times to me is yet another question I need to pose). All is well and about a month ago, I stumbled across one of her social media profiles. As it turns out, she has a very high profile job (community manager) in social media and may have somewhere in the range of 10-20 different publicly viewable profiles/blogs. So, of course, these being intended for public consumption, I read up on her. A lot. And in the process became even more interested in her. My job too has a social media component and I spend a lot of time on different sites, so in retrospect, due to our being in roughly the same geographical market, and the crossover of our jobs, (I’m an end-user of her content) I’m surprised it took THIS long for me to come across her. A major part of her job is to host real life events for followers of her company. Now, I know due to one of her public blogs, she knows that she is “waffle-y” about dating in general. It is apparent from her content that she may have some commitment issues and is still unattached. Here is the meat of the question: She hosts meet ups in the major city. She was initially interested in me but may have dismissed me as just another internet dating site dude after the distance became an issue. I am still willing to see if there is anything there and I think we would really get along great in person. Would it be weird of me to go to one of these meet ups? Chances are she will not even remember who I am and not connect it at all. Currently, my professional social media presences are followers of her sites/blogs/etc, which could be linked back to me quite easily if one wanted to spend 5 minutes googling. And as of yet, she has not made any indication that she is aware that I am the one she spoke to many months ago. So mefites, am I a creepy stalker and does this go too far? Throwaway email: notodd66@gmail.com
About 5 months ago I met someone on a dating site. We emailed back and forth a few times then she asked for my number. I sent it to her and she immediately texted me to say that we should try and meet up at some point soon. However, our respective geographic locations were to be a bit of an issue. We both live about 45 min/ 1 hour outside of a major north east city – but in opposite directions. Because she works in the city, she was using it as her base for the dating site location. We texted back and forth a few more times and arranged to meet at the end of that week. She texted me the day before to say she couldn’t make it due to having to help a friend out with her wedding favors for the NEXT weekend. I was fine with that and let her know we should still try to do something soon and she agreed. I didn’t hear from her during the week and texted her the next week to see about plans for the weekend. No response. After a day, she replied with something to the effect of, “Oh, hi Anon…I’m sorry but things have been changing quickly in my life and I’m not really dating at the moment, but best of luck”! I thought this a bit odd due to her 1. Initiating contact on the site, 2. Asking for my number, 3. Suggesting that we meet up, but I took it in stride and replied “thanks” (Why this happens, and it’s happened more than a few times to me is yet another question I need to pose). All is well and about a month ago, I stumbled across one of her social media profiles. As it turns out, she has a very high profile job (community manager) in social media and may have somewhere in the range of 10-20 different publicly viewable profiles/blogs. So, of course, these being intended for public consumption, I read up on her. A lot. And in the process became even more interested in her. My job too has a social media component and I spend a lot of time on different sites, so in retrospect, due to our being in roughly the same geographical market, and the crossover of our jobs, (I’m an end-user of her content) I’m surprised it took THIS long for me to come across her. A major part of her job is to host real life events for followers of her company. Now, I know due to one of her public blogs, she knows that she is “waffle-y” about dating in general. It is apparent from her content that she may have some commitment issues and is still unattached. Here is the meat of the question: She hosts meet ups in the major city. She was initially interested in me but may have dismissed me as just another internet dating site dude after the distance became an issue. I am still willing to see if there is anything there and I think we would really get along great in person. Would it be weird of me to go to one of these meet ups? Chances are she will not even remember who I am and not connect it at all. Currently, my professional social media presences are followers of her sites/blogs/etc, which could be linked back to me quite easily if one wanted to spend 5 minutes googling. And as of yet, she has not made any indication that she is aware that I am the one she spoke to many months ago. So mefites, am I a creepy stalker and does this go too far? Throwaway email: notodd66@gmail.com
If you knew for a fact that she would never, ever date you, would you still be thinking about attending the event? If so, and if there are reasons to attend the event that have nothing to do with her, it might be okay to maybe consider going. But if you're going with even the tiniest hope of getting her to date you after she explicitly said she didn't want to date you, then yes, that crosses the line.
posted by decathecting at 5:07 PM on January 19, 2012
posted by decathecting at 5:07 PM on January 19, 2012
Oh goodness. Whether or not your actions would be creepy (and yes, they would be), she is not someone you want to date. Distance + commitment issues = a personal hell for you for as long as you remain interested in her.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:09 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by DoubleLune at 5:09 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
"I'm not really dating at the moment, but best of luck" is just "I'm not into you and have no interest in getting to know you" with a bit of polite padding. Showing up uninvited to one of her meetups would indeed be creepy. Good luck in finding a woman that is crazy about you. Trust me, she's out there somewhere.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:10 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:10 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
Everything about this screams don't do it, from her lack of interest to the distance to your google-psychologizing her - and even if she explicitly said "I have commitment issues" that doesn't change points one or two.
posted by sm1tten at 5:17 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 5:17 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
She's said explicitly that she's not interested, and you are reading her social media profiles as if what you find there is evidence that you could potentially get her interested, even though there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive this.
Yes that is creepy.
posted by tel3path at 5:24 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
Yes that is creepy.
posted by tel3path at 5:24 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
After a day, she replied with something to the effect of, “Oh, hi Anon…I’m sorry but things have been changing quickly in my life and I’m not really dating at the moment, but best of luck”! I thought this a bit odd due to her 1. Initiating contact on the site, 2. Asking for my number, 3. Suggesting that we meet up, but I took it in stride
I agree with the above answers, but in response to this: people change. All the time. When someone tells you something that clearly and directly, just let it go without any further thought.
Everything following what I quoted is NO DO NOT DO THIS because your brain should've accepted it and moved on as soon as she said that. Internet sleuthing her? No! Bad brain. (Everyone is guilty of this, btw)
It's not your fault, don't let it get to you, it's just how this stuff goes and why dating is soul destroying.
Handy life rule: if someone says "Sorry, I'm not interested in dating." then erase them from your phone, bookmarks and memory. Don't pine over them.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 5:26 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with the above answers, but in response to this: people change. All the time. When someone tells you something that clearly and directly, just let it go without any further thought.
Everything following what I quoted is NO DO NOT DO THIS because your brain should've accepted it and moved on as soon as she said that. Internet sleuthing her? No! Bad brain. (Everyone is guilty of this, btw)
It's not your fault, don't let it get to you, it's just how this stuff goes and why dating is soul destroying.
Handy life rule: if someone says "Sorry, I'm not interested in dating." then erase them from your phone, bookmarks and memory. Don't pine over them.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 5:26 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yes this is creepy.
If your professional circles really overlap that much, you will eventually meet her anyway. Best to let that happen organically.
The fact that she changed her mind about dating you during a period where she wouldn't (probably) have got any extra information about you either means she got together with someone else (even if she isn't mentioning it on her social media profiles (yet)) or that she decided not to date right now. Even though neither of these two scenarios are about you, pushing yourself into her life by attending a meet up is not going to fix them, and it could well make things worse. (By making her wonder if you are stalking her).
Don't do it.
posted by lollusc at 5:30 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
If your professional circles really overlap that much, you will eventually meet her anyway. Best to let that happen organically.
The fact that she changed her mind about dating you during a period where she wouldn't (probably) have got any extra information about you either means she got together with someone else (even if she isn't mentioning it on her social media profiles (yet)) or that she decided not to date right now. Even though neither of these two scenarios are about you, pushing yourself into her life by attending a meet up is not going to fix them, and it could well make things worse. (By making her wonder if you are stalking her).
Don't do it.
posted by lollusc at 5:30 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
No, no, no. Do not do this. She declined you and you're not accepting it, instead you are "reading up on her" and becoming "even more interested." That's already starting on the creepiness path. Now you are formulating a plan for meeting up with her again despite the fact that she declined you, without her knowledge/consent.
Essentially what's creepy here is that her expressed desires do not seem to be factoring into your plans here. And it doesn't seem to be important to you to get her consent to your resumed pursuit of her.
If you want to see her again and not be creepy say the following:
"Hey Kim,
You might not remember me, but we texted a while ago thinking about meeting up, and you let me know it wasn't a good time for you and you weren't dating at the moment. I just wanted to check since I happened across your blog X (only name 1 of her blogs even if you read all 10 or whatever), and was really impressed. I didn't know you were in social media, and your post about ___ was really interesting to me. It's an issue I deal with myself, and I've been thinking ___ about it.
Anyway, I think you'd be really cool to get to know. Let me know if anything has changed for you as far as dating. Best wishes either way."
Make that your LAST communication and if you can't stop thinking about her, make it the last time you read her blog too.
posted by cairdeas at 5:32 PM on January 19, 2012 [17 favorites]
Essentially what's creepy here is that her expressed desires do not seem to be factoring into your plans here. And it doesn't seem to be important to you to get her consent to your resumed pursuit of her.
If you want to see her again and not be creepy say the following:
"Hey Kim,
You might not remember me, but we texted a while ago thinking about meeting up, and you let me know it wasn't a good time for you and you weren't dating at the moment. I just wanted to check since I happened across your blog X (only name 1 of her blogs even if you read all 10 or whatever), and was really impressed. I didn't know you were in social media, and your post about ___ was really interesting to me. It's an issue I deal with myself, and I've been thinking ___ about it.
Anyway, I think you'd be really cool to get to know. Let me know if anything has changed for you as far as dating. Best wishes either way."
Make that your LAST communication and if you can't stop thinking about her, make it the last time you read her blog too.
posted by cairdeas at 5:32 PM on January 19, 2012 [17 favorites]
And in the process became even more interested in her.
But she's not interested in you. Personally. She said so. So don't do any crazy weirdo stuff.
She was initially interested in me but may have dismissed me as just another internet dating site dude after the distance became an issue.
Drop it and learn to stop pursuing women who tell you no. She had a reason and she knows her own mind better than you do, which you somehow don't seem to *GRASP*. You're acting like a mind reader who is also trying to impose his will onto a person when he isn't wanted. Creepy? YES.
posted by devymetal at 5:40 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
But she's not interested in you. Personally. She said so. So don't do any crazy weirdo stuff.
She was initially interested in me but may have dismissed me as just another internet dating site dude after the distance became an issue.
Drop it and learn to stop pursuing women who tell you no. She had a reason and she knows her own mind better than you do, which you somehow don't seem to *GRASP*. You're acting like a mind reader who is also trying to impose his will onto a person when he isn't wanted. Creepy? YES.
posted by devymetal at 5:40 PM on January 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
(Why this happens, and it’s happened more than a few times to me is yet another question I need to pose)
It happens or two reasons. Firstly, because people on dating sites are dating people, so the window between "I'm free to date you" vs "Nevermind, it looks like something might be developing with this other guy I'm dating, so I don't want to be dating other people right now" is often just days.
If someone is available for dating one week, it's completely normal and unremarkable that by the next week that window may have closed.
Secondly, because dating sites present a wealth of options, people end up looking mostly for reasons to narrow down their choices to a more manageable few, ie after your first impression but before you meet in person, everything you say and do will be searched primarily for reasons to cross you off the list, and not for reasons to keep you on the list. The more opportunities you give someone to cross you off the list, the more likely it is you'll get crossed off. My experience is that the longer I take between contact and meeting someone, the vastly greater the chance that no such meeting will happen.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:08 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
It happens or two reasons. Firstly, because people on dating sites are dating people, so the window between "I'm free to date you" vs "Nevermind, it looks like something might be developing with this other guy I'm dating, so I don't want to be dating other people right now" is often just days.
If someone is available for dating one week, it's completely normal and unremarkable that by the next week that window may have closed.
Secondly, because dating sites present a wealth of options, people end up looking mostly for reasons to narrow down their choices to a more manageable few, ie after your first impression but before you meet in person, everything you say and do will be searched primarily for reasons to cross you off the list, and not for reasons to keep you on the list. The more opportunities you give someone to cross you off the list, the more likely it is you'll get crossed off. My experience is that the longer I take between contact and meeting someone, the vastly greater the chance that no such meeting will happen.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:08 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Well, I can somehow understand that you're fascinated by her virtual presence, but surely not as dating material! I mean, "commitment issues," come on.
And you're good to ask that question here, but as everyone says: don't do it. It may be difficult to see, but even people who create a lot of public visibility for themselves deserve their privacy.
posted by Namlit at 6:10 PM on January 19, 2012
And you're good to ask that question here, but as everyone says: don't do it. It may be difficult to see, but even people who create a lot of public visibility for themselves deserve their privacy.
posted by Namlit at 6:10 PM on January 19, 2012
It may stop short of being creepy, but at best it comes off somewhere on the needy-desperate-striving axis. That's a seriously disadvantaged place from which to try to start a relationship. Don't do that to yourself.
If you do naturally meet her in your professional capacity, do tell her who you are from the outset, so you don't come across as a stalker.
posted by gingerest at 6:13 PM on January 19, 2012
If you do naturally meet her in your professional capacity, do tell her who you are from the outset, so you don't come across as a stalker.
posted by gingerest at 6:13 PM on January 19, 2012
“Oh, hi Anon…I’m sorry but things have been changing quickly in my life and I’m not really dating at the moment, but best of luck”!
That is a goodbye. Pretty much any dating-related message that closes, "Best of luck!" is a goodbye. Yours was unequivocally a goodbye. If you found it at all unclear or ambivalent, that's purely on you. You should think about why, in your own head, you are projecting unclarity or ambivalence onto that message. Because on its own terms, that message leaves no wiggle room. It is a very simple, polite, vanilla goodbye.
You say that you don't want to be "that creepy guy." You already are. I'm sure that's difficult to read and I don't mean to attack you. I know you have good intentions. But by objective social standards, yes, you have already crossed into "creepy guy" territory. It's good that you asked, because you didn't recognize it yourself and now people have told you.
Generally speaking, it is never okay to second-guess a prospective romantic connection who gives you a blow-off. Several decades ago, things worked differently. Even today, in some cultures and in some circles, things work differently. But generally speaking, it's not okay. Nothing in your question suggests that your circumstance is one of those exceptions, and in fact several things about your question indicate that your circumstance is very typical. This is a person you never met, whom you communicated with via an online dating website. You are proposing both to second-guess her blow-off/rejection, and to escalate things by meeting her in person. This is a terrible idea that moves you several squares farther along the line of "creepy guy." Reverse direction.
Good call asking for help, though. We all need it from time to time, and you're here asking. That speaks well of you. Good luck finding romance elsewhere.
posted by red clover at 6:15 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
That is a goodbye. Pretty much any dating-related message that closes, "Best of luck!" is a goodbye. Yours was unequivocally a goodbye. If you found it at all unclear or ambivalent, that's purely on you. You should think about why, in your own head, you are projecting unclarity or ambivalence onto that message. Because on its own terms, that message leaves no wiggle room. It is a very simple, polite, vanilla goodbye.
You say that you don't want to be "that creepy guy." You already are. I'm sure that's difficult to read and I don't mean to attack you. I know you have good intentions. But by objective social standards, yes, you have already crossed into "creepy guy" territory. It's good that you asked, because you didn't recognize it yourself and now people have told you.
Generally speaking, it is never okay to second-guess a prospective romantic connection who gives you a blow-off. Several decades ago, things worked differently. Even today, in some cultures and in some circles, things work differently. But generally speaking, it's not okay. Nothing in your question suggests that your circumstance is one of those exceptions, and in fact several things about your question indicate that your circumstance is very typical. This is a person you never met, whom you communicated with via an online dating website. You are proposing both to second-guess her blow-off/rejection, and to escalate things by meeting her in person. This is a terrible idea that moves you several squares farther along the line of "creepy guy." Reverse direction.
Good call asking for help, though. We all need it from time to time, and you're here asking. That speaks well of you. Good luck finding romance elsewhere.
posted by red clover at 6:15 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
But she's not interested in you. Personally. She said so.
No she didn't, she said she was no-longer dating at the moment.
If she says what she means and means what she says, then that is a "not now, and possibly not ever" rather than a "not you".
Alternatively, as many people are assuming, she could be saying something other than what she means, and hoping it will have enough of an effect that she doesn't have to say what she means.
Either way, back off. Don't follow her in real life. The most you should do is keep an eye on her dating site profile. If she becomes active again on the dating site, that's your cue to contact her - on the dating site - and find out if you have a window again.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:19 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
No she didn't, she said she was no-longer dating at the moment.
If she says what she means and means what she says, then that is a "not now, and possibly not ever" rather than a "not you".
Alternatively, as many people are assuming, she could be saying something other than what she means, and hoping it will have enough of an effect that she doesn't have to say what she means.
Either way, back off. Don't follow her in real life. The most you should do is keep an eye on her dating site profile. If she becomes active again on the dating site, that's your cue to contact her - on the dating site - and find out if you have a window again.
posted by -harlequin- at 6:19 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
You say that you don't want to be "that creepy guy." You already are. I'm sure that's difficult to read and I don't mean to attack you. I know you have good intentions. But by objective social standards, yes, you have already crossed into "creepy guy" territory. It's good that you asked, because you didn't recognize it yourself and now people have told you.
No, you're not "already" a creepy guy. Don't fall for this shaming stuff. You met someone interesting, she did not unambiguously blow you off, so you followed her very public web presence and you're wondering if you can reengage. Wondering and considering does not make you creepy.
I don't think you should reengage, but you're not "already" "that" creepy guy.
Don't let people shame you for thinking.
posted by jayder at 6:52 PM on January 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
No, you're not "already" a creepy guy. Don't fall for this shaming stuff. You met someone interesting, she did not unambiguously blow you off, so you followed her very public web presence and you're wondering if you can reengage. Wondering and considering does not make you creepy.
I don't think you should reengage, but you're not "already" "that" creepy guy.
Don't let people shame you for thinking.
posted by jayder at 6:52 PM on January 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
She's fucking someone else. If you go to her meetup, you will see her and the dude/chick she's fucking. And s/he'll be hotter and more awesome than you have ever even hoped to be. And you'll go home in tears. (Not speaking from personal experience or anything, you know. Just sayin'.)
Find someone who's interested in dating you without having to be brought around to the idea.
posted by anaelith at 7:02 PM on January 19, 2012
Find someone who's interested in dating you without having to be brought around to the idea.
posted by anaelith at 7:02 PM on January 19, 2012
Response by poster: No, you're not "already" a creepy guy. Don't fall for this shaming stuff. You met someone interesting, she did not unambiguously blow you off, so you followed her very public web presence and you're wondering if you can reengage. Wondering and considering does not make you creepy.
I don't think you should reengage, but you're not "already" "that" creepy guy.
Don't let people shame you for thinking.
Jayder, that was a pretty unambiguous blow-off. "Perhaps I'll see you around," "I'll let you know if my situation changes," those are ambiguous and certainly open-ended. "Best of luck" is what you say when the door is closed--you are actively encouraging the other person to go search out other people (and leave you alone).
It is not "shaming him for thinking" to point out that stalking someone online months after they turned you down and planning ways to spring yourself on them with that information is pretty off-kilter. If I were the woman in that situation and I knew a guy was doing this I would be horrified. Having public information on myself on the internet is not an open invitation for people to track me down in order to woo me after rejection.
As others have said, the problem is that this guy is not respecting her choices to not date him. She told him no, and he has decided to see if he can push for "yes" anyway. That is a patronizing and frankly dangerous attitude towards anyone, much less a romantic partner.
posted by Anonymous at 7:07 PM on January 19, 2012
I don't think you should reengage, but you're not "already" "that" creepy guy.
Don't let people shame you for thinking.
Jayder, that was a pretty unambiguous blow-off. "Perhaps I'll see you around," "I'll let you know if my situation changes," those are ambiguous and certainly open-ended. "Best of luck" is what you say when the door is closed--you are actively encouraging the other person to go search out other people (and leave you alone).
It is not "shaming him for thinking" to point out that stalking someone online months after they turned you down and planning ways to spring yourself on them with that information is pretty off-kilter. If I were the woman in that situation and I knew a guy was doing this I would be horrified. Having public information on myself on the internet is not an open invitation for people to track me down in order to woo me after rejection.
As others have said, the problem is that this guy is not respecting her choices to not date him. She told him no, and he has decided to see if he can push for "yes" anyway. That is a patronizing and frankly dangerous attitude towards anyone, much less a romantic partner.
posted by Anonymous at 7:07 PM on January 19, 2012
It sounds like you might be a bit infatuated. There are good points above that I want to emphasize. Why would you want the headache of a relationship where distance and commitment issues are plainly obvious from before the word "go"? Obsess about something else, anything else and go email at least 10 other people on your dating site. I think you'll find a more engaging potential date.
I've actually done this to a few people. I just didn't "feel" it in the small conversation/text we had and wasn't interested in investing any time to look deeper. I had other options at the time and I'm sure she does too. It's your job to check out and find your more feasible options.
Sorry.
posted by MyMind at 7:10 PM on January 19, 2012
I've actually done this to a few people. I just didn't "feel" it in the small conversation/text we had and wasn't interested in investing any time to look deeper. I had other options at the time and I'm sure she does too. It's your job to check out and find your more feasible options.
Sorry.
posted by MyMind at 7:10 PM on January 19, 2012
Yes, lets be clear. "Best of luck" = firm no. "I'll see you around." = maaaaybe? but probably no.
We should probably stop dog piling on the guy. The internet does make it too easy to snoop sometimes. You must attain an iron will to resist.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:13 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
We should probably stop dog piling on the guy. The internet does make it too easy to snoop sometimes. You must attain an iron will to resist.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:13 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hey. So, somebody did something like this to me once -- I told them thanks but no thanks, and they decided they knew better and ferreted out my work information online and contacted me through work. It sucked. In the moment, I was completely adrenaline-shocked and I'm lucky that all I did was just tell them exactly what I was thinking, which was that what they had done was COMPLETELY inappropriate and NEVER to contact me again. And then I spent the next three hours finding out all their personal details online, so that I could let the police know exactly who they were if they ever did contact me again. And then I warned my friends and co-workers that this person was out there, and not to hand out any of my personal information. And then I spent the rest of the evening just curled up in my house afraid to go outside, and eventually I had to call my friend to stay over with me so that I wouldn't be too scared to go to sleep.
Don't do this. She told you no, and that's her choice. No amount of rationalizing in your head allows you to overrule that.
posted by ourobouros at 7:22 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't do this. She told you no, and that's her choice. No amount of rationalizing in your head allows you to overrule that.
posted by ourobouros at 7:22 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is a bad idea.
I understand what you seem to be thinking. She didn't actually say she wasn't interested in you, she just said she was dealing with changes in life and not dating at the moment, and she had previously expressed interest.
But, as everyone else is saying, she said no. It doesn't matter why. She said no, she will not be dating you, and there is no other way to interpret her words and actions. So, yeah, you're kind of being a creepy stalker (although it's good you asked) and you should not this.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:27 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
I understand what you seem to be thinking. She didn't actually say she wasn't interested in you, she just said she was dealing with changes in life and not dating at the moment, and she had previously expressed interest.
But, as everyone else is saying, she said no. It doesn't matter why. She said no, she will not be dating you, and there is no other way to interpret her words and actions. So, yeah, you're kind of being a creepy stalker (although it's good you asked) and you should not this.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:27 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
“Oh, hi Anon…I’m sorry but things have been changing quickly in my life and I’m not really dating at the moment, but best of luck”! (Why this happens, and it’s happened more than a few times to me is yet another question I need to pose).
Because she met someone else, obviously.
So, of course, these [blogs] being intended for public consumption, I read up on her. A lot. And in the process became even more interested in her....
Step away from the keyboard now and stop being a creepy creeping creeper person.
Seriously. Just walk away.
Now.
posted by rokusan at 7:31 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Because she met someone else, obviously.
So, of course, these [blogs] being intended for public consumption, I read up on her. A lot. And in the process became even more interested in her....
Step away from the keyboard now and stop being a creepy creeping creeper person.
Seriously. Just walk away.
Now.
posted by rokusan at 7:31 PM on January 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't fall for this shaming stuff.
I don't want to get into a back-and-forth with Jayder, but just to the OP: I hope you didn't take the tone of my comment as "shaming." It wasn't meant that way. I noted that it sounds like you had good intentions and I believe that you do, and I noted the strength of character reflected by the fact that you're here asking for advice. My intent was not to shame you, at all.
However, I think Jayder's advice is dangerous. (Due respect, Jayder.) By characterizing what you've done so far as merely "thinking," he misses the point of what's wrong with it. Read some of the other comments in this thread. Talk to women who have been subjected to inappropriate attention from would-be suitors. Read the oft-cited The Gift of Fear, or this noteworthy thread. What you did when given a clear and unambiguous rejection from a girl was, you transformed it in your head into a more palatable message and proceeded to investigate her life in order to justify and/or play-out the alternate reality that you had envisioned. This is not just "thinking." These are actions, and they are firmly within "creepy guy" territory. They are not things a rejected Internet suitor should do. They are not okay.
You're probably not a bad person. I don't know you, obviously, but I seriously doubt you would have come to AskMetaFilter and posted this question if you were a bad person. I think you are, in all likelihood, a good person. It appears that's what you're trying to be. And you should be proud about asking for help, because many people need it but don't ask. (All of us, at one point or another.) Do not feel shamed. But do feel corrected.
posted by red clover at 7:36 PM on January 19, 2012 [13 favorites]
I don't want to get into a back-and-forth with Jayder, but just to the OP: I hope you didn't take the tone of my comment as "shaming." It wasn't meant that way. I noted that it sounds like you had good intentions and I believe that you do, and I noted the strength of character reflected by the fact that you're here asking for advice. My intent was not to shame you, at all.
However, I think Jayder's advice is dangerous. (Due respect, Jayder.) By characterizing what you've done so far as merely "thinking," he misses the point of what's wrong with it. Read some of the other comments in this thread. Talk to women who have been subjected to inappropriate attention from would-be suitors. Read the oft-cited The Gift of Fear, or this noteworthy thread. What you did when given a clear and unambiguous rejection from a girl was, you transformed it in your head into a more palatable message and proceeded to investigate her life in order to justify and/or play-out the alternate reality that you had envisioned. This is not just "thinking." These are actions, and they are firmly within "creepy guy" territory. They are not things a rejected Internet suitor should do. They are not okay.
You're probably not a bad person. I don't know you, obviously, but I seriously doubt you would have come to AskMetaFilter and posted this question if you were a bad person. I think you are, in all likelihood, a good person. It appears that's what you're trying to be. And you should be proud about asking for help, because many people need it but don't ask. (All of us, at one point or another.) Do not feel shamed. But do feel corrected.
posted by red clover at 7:36 PM on January 19, 2012 [13 favorites]
I agree he should walk away. I just don't think he's Creepy McCreeperson for doing what he's done up to this point.
posted by jayder at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jayder at 7:37 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I honestly don't want to shame the OP, but part of value in hearing how many people think this is creepy, justly or unjustly, is that it gives him a better idea of the odds that this lady would find it to be creepy.
posted by cairdeas at 7:39 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by cairdeas at 7:39 PM on January 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also don't think he should treat her brush off like it's an order of protection. If she hosts meet ups and they are industry related, no harm in attending them.
posted by jayder at 7:41 PM on January 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by jayder at 7:41 PM on January 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just want to share one more anecdote, OP.
When I was in my early 20s I started talking to a guy from a dating website. Realized after talking to him for a bit that I didn't want to go out with him, ended the conversation politely. He protested, I again tried to end it politely.
Then I put another ad on a dating website with a picture that was just of my eyes. This guy replied to my ad with the line, "I would recognize those eyes anywhere." And questions about why I didn't want to go out with him when I obviously was looking for people to go out with.
Yes, I posted that second ad on a public website where anyone had the right to reply to it. His reply was still insanely creepy to me, that if I said no in one avenue then he would follow me to another avenue and act like because he had found me in another avenue, the lines were open again.
Now your situation is not as stalkerish as that one, but still. I think what you need to know is not all women would find this creepy but lots would.
posted by cairdeas at 7:49 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
When I was in my early 20s I started talking to a guy from a dating website. Realized after talking to him for a bit that I didn't want to go out with him, ended the conversation politely. He protested, I again tried to end it politely.
Then I put another ad on a dating website with a picture that was just of my eyes. This guy replied to my ad with the line, "I would recognize those eyes anywhere." And questions about why I didn't want to go out with him when I obviously was looking for people to go out with.
Yes, I posted that second ad on a public website where anyone had the right to reply to it. His reply was still insanely creepy to me, that if I said no in one avenue then he would follow me to another avenue and act like because he had found me in another avenue, the lines were open again.
Now your situation is not as stalkerish as that one, but still. I think what you need to know is not all women would find this creepy but lots would.
posted by cairdeas at 7:49 PM on January 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
What jayder said. We've all been tempted in situations like this, and the powerful emotions can mess with our judgement, plus, you start urgently needing to know why something you so desperately want to do would be in the class "creepy".
The fact that you didn't just go ahead with this, but woke up, paused, and went online for a Creep-U-Check so as not to do anything rash, means that by definition you are not being creepy. Because, creepy is as creepy does.
posted by tel3path at 12:55 AM on January 20, 2012
The fact that you didn't just go ahead with this, but woke up, paused, and went online for a Creep-U-Check so as not to do anything rash, means that by definition you are not being creepy. Because, creepy is as creepy does.
posted by tel3path at 12:55 AM on January 20, 2012
I have sort of been the girl in this scenario, when a guy that I had made obvious I was not interested in started in showing up at places/activities where he knew I would be. It definitely creeped me out and made me feel stalked and a bit unsafe. There were some circumstances there that made it worse than your situation, but the feeling that the activities that gave me pleasure were now associated with being quasi-stalked by a guy I was not interested was very unpleasant. I'd urge you not to do this and to let any meetings happen organically.
As a woman I have been stalked multiple times, and any whiff of that sort of behavior is very upsetting to me and can throw me really off kilter. You don't know this girl's history so to me it seems far better to err on the side of caution.
Yeah, you're not in creepy territory yet as long as your internet-checking is just between you and your computer, and good on you for getting a sanity check. But I'd urge you not to take this any farther barring some unsolicited encouragement from the lady in question.
posted by Arethusa at 4:07 AM on January 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
As a woman I have been stalked multiple times, and any whiff of that sort of behavior is very upsetting to me and can throw me really off kilter. You don't know this girl's history so to me it seems far better to err on the side of caution.
Yeah, you're not in creepy territory yet as long as your internet-checking is just between you and your computer, and good on you for getting a sanity check. But I'd urge you not to take this any farther barring some unsolicited encouragement from the lady in question.
posted by Arethusa at 4:07 AM on January 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
Honestly? A couple of emails on a dating site? Five months on, I probably wouldn't even remember a guy like this, much less be freaked out to see him at a business meet-up. If it's any consolation, you probably don't occupy even the tiniest fraction of space in her mind at all. Don't beat yourself up too much, just let it go and focus on someone who's into you.
posted by aquafortis at 9:51 AM on January 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by aquafortis at 9:51 AM on January 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:04 PM on January 19, 2012 [19 favorites]