How do I make my parents feel ok about me changing my surname [I'm a man]?
January 16, 2012 7:23 PM Subscribe
I have an "unfortunate" surname that I'm looking to change now that I'm getting married. My parents are not very happy that I'm getting rid of their name! How can I smooth things over with them?
My birth surname is word that is a description of homosexuality. Not a fun thing to grow up with!
My parents told me I could change it when I was younger, but I kept it. It's hard at that age to tell your parents you don't want their name.
I'm 27 now and the surname has a lot less impact on my life, however I've recently become engaged and I'm planning to officially change my name in preparation for marriage. I've been using my middle name as my surname for many years for everything but official documents. At work most people know my real surname, but use my middle name as they know it's my preference. I introduce myself to people with my middle name. I won't have any problems with the switch professionally or with my friends.
My fiancée would take my birth surname, or my middle name if I change and has left the decision to me. We've talked about it and neither of us want to take her surname or use a hyphenated one.
However my parents seem to have had a change of heart. I didn't broach the subject very well with them (I blurted it out not long after I'd decided myself when it came up in conversation). They're justifiably annoyed that I didn't talk to them before I decided. However they seem stunned all round. They seemed to think that my changing my name professionally was just a way of dealing with it and expected me to keep my name now that I'm older. My dad grew up with the word meaning something else and to him, he thinks it's temporary and the word will lose its meaning. My mum was even worse and broke down crying saying she felt it was a rejection of family and wished she'd had another son to pass on the name! My dad has no brothers, so my change will 'end the line'.
Needless to say it's been a bit rough, I have pretty good relations with my parents and have been very shocked by their reaction. It hasn't changed my opinion, though. The name drew some deep emotional scars growing up. On an irrational level I do resent them letting me keep the name through my childhood. I don't think they realised how much if affected me (although I have talked it through with them this week) and back then I was too young to make the hard decision myself. I just can't do the same thing to my fiancée or my potential children. The thought of sending out wedding invites with my birth surname fills me with dread.
I know it's my life, my choice. I'm finally ready to unload the burden the name gave me. Each interaction with it adds up to a huge emotional cost that I don't want for my future family. They want me to at least wait until I have kids, but I feel that now is the right time.
How can I communicate this to my parents? How do I make them feel ok about it?
My birth surname is word that is a description of homosexuality. Not a fun thing to grow up with!
My parents told me I could change it when I was younger, but I kept it. It's hard at that age to tell your parents you don't want their name.
I'm 27 now and the surname has a lot less impact on my life, however I've recently become engaged and I'm planning to officially change my name in preparation for marriage. I've been using my middle name as my surname for many years for everything but official documents. At work most people know my real surname, but use my middle name as they know it's my preference. I introduce myself to people with my middle name. I won't have any problems with the switch professionally or with my friends.
My fiancée would take my birth surname, or my middle name if I change and has left the decision to me. We've talked about it and neither of us want to take her surname or use a hyphenated one.
However my parents seem to have had a change of heart. I didn't broach the subject very well with them (I blurted it out not long after I'd decided myself when it came up in conversation). They're justifiably annoyed that I didn't talk to them before I decided. However they seem stunned all round. They seemed to think that my changing my name professionally was just a way of dealing with it and expected me to keep my name now that I'm older. My dad grew up with the word meaning something else and to him, he thinks it's temporary and the word will lose its meaning. My mum was even worse and broke down crying saying she felt it was a rejection of family and wished she'd had another son to pass on the name! My dad has no brothers, so my change will 'end the line'.
Needless to say it's been a bit rough, I have pretty good relations with my parents and have been very shocked by their reaction. It hasn't changed my opinion, though. The name drew some deep emotional scars growing up. On an irrational level I do resent them letting me keep the name through my childhood. I don't think they realised how much if affected me (although I have talked it through with them this week) and back then I was too young to make the hard decision myself. I just can't do the same thing to my fiancée or my potential children. The thought of sending out wedding invites with my birth surname fills me with dread.
I know it's my life, my choice. I'm finally ready to unload the burden the name gave me. Each interaction with it adds up to a huge emotional cost that I don't want for my future family. They want me to at least wait until I have kids, but I feel that now is the right time.
How can I communicate this to my parents? How do I make them feel ok about it?
"They want me to at least wait until I have kids, but I feel that now is the right time."
It seems presumptuous of your folks to assume you and your fiancee will have, or even want, kids, but that's neither here nor there. They don't get a vote on this name change, and you're just making yourself sweat by worrying about them "being ok about it." Your mom's reaction is bizarre, considering it's not even her name.
Change that thang! Full speed ahead!
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:35 PM on January 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
It seems presumptuous of your folks to assume you and your fiancee will have, or even want, kids, but that's neither here nor there. They don't get a vote on this name change, and you're just making yourself sweat by worrying about them "being ok about it." Your mom's reaction is bizarre, considering it's not even her name.
Change that thang! Full speed ahead!
posted by BostonTerrier at 7:35 PM on January 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
You can't make them feel okay about it. You can and should continue to stand your ground, firmly and respectfully, but it sounds to me like the offer to change it when you were younger was probably empty and that it will take them some time to process your decision - if they really didn't realise how deeply it bothered you, then this might have been shocking to them beyond the whole "pass the name down" thing. And yes, they do need to be reminded that this decision is not a rejection of them, the family (and it was super odd to me that your mom reacted that way but my grandmother is very traditional/weird about names too).
I agree with you that the time to do it is before you marry - by the time you have kids/if you have them, it'll just be another reason/excuse to not do it and it will only be harder to get back to this point.
posted by sm1tten at 7:38 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with you that the time to do it is before you marry - by the time you have kids/if you have them, it'll just be another reason/excuse to not do it and it will only be harder to get back to this point.
posted by sm1tten at 7:38 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
right before you get married is a great time to change your name! don't make your soon to be wife change it to your current surname and then to your new surname. changing names is a pain in the ass. if you waited to change yours, she'll have to do all that twice. surely your parents like her enough to not make her do that.
if i'm reading correctly, you're changing your last name to your middle name? maybe point out to your parents that you're not forsaking the family, you're in fact choosing to use a name they gave you, not one that was just passed down, but one that was specifically chosen.
posted by nadawi at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
if i'm reading correctly, you're changing your last name to your middle name? maybe point out to your parents that you're not forsaking the family, you're in fact choosing to use a name they gave you, not one that was just passed down, but one that was specifically chosen.
posted by nadawi at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
You can't make them feel okay about it. You can help yourself feel less bad (or good!) about how they feel about it. I think the key here is to recognize things that can explain away their negative reactions: this may, for instance, have been something they thought was "resolved" and they're just shocked now (people also tend to react less well to change and surprises as they get older, BTW.)
I also suggest letting time be a factor - don't keep bringing it up, but also don't change course. It's obvious this is what you want to do. It's a done deal, as far as you're concerned, and the less you let it come up, the less of an issue it'll be. "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with this, Mom and Dad, and I'll always love you, but the decision has been made."
(Bear in mind that wedding invitations often have the names of the parents on them. If you don't want that word anywhere on the invites, be thinking of how you want to address this.)
posted by SMPA at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I also suggest letting time be a factor - don't keep bringing it up, but also don't change course. It's obvious this is what you want to do. It's a done deal, as far as you're concerned, and the less you let it come up, the less of an issue it'll be. "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with this, Mom and Dad, and I'll always love you, but the decision has been made."
(Bear in mind that wedding invitations often have the names of the parents on them. If you don't want that word anywhere on the invites, be thinking of how you want to address this.)
posted by SMPA at 7:39 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Part of getting married is leaving your parents household (and control) and creating a new household with your spouse.
Your parents will have to deal with this in their own way. Reassure them that you love them and you want to have a relationship with them and then leave it at that.
You made a healthy decision with your soon to be wife. Stick with it. You have a new household now to honor.
posted by myselfasme at 7:40 PM on January 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
Your parents will have to deal with this in their own way. Reassure them that you love them and you want to have a relationship with them and then leave it at that.
You made a healthy decision with your soon to be wife. Stick with it. You have a new household now to honor.
posted by myselfasme at 7:40 PM on January 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
This is great practice for putting your new baby family ahead of your family of origin. Calmly and politely tell them, "I'm sorry you feel that way." each and every time it comes up. Eventually, they will get used to it--but there's not much you can do to speed it along, besides being firm in your decision and polite in your discussions of it.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh - one thing that you may want to consider, that could potentially reduce conflict: take on your mother's surname, or your father's mother's surname.
If you and your fiancee are mostly just not interested in her surname because of not liking that particular surname (or because you want to be sort of traditional, in the US sense of the concept,) this is a legitimate possibility. I've often considered changing my name to my grandfather's "old country" surname, for instance, particularly if I, e.g., adopted a child alone (I will not inflict my hyphenation on an innocent child.)
Anyway, my relatives have mostly thought this a charming and "brings honor to our ancestors" kind of idea, and it could give your parents a bit of a relief, especially if your middle name isn't particularly ethnic and your original surname is.
posted by SMPA at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you and your fiancee are mostly just not interested in her surname because of not liking that particular surname (or because you want to be sort of traditional, in the US sense of the concept,) this is a legitimate possibility. I've often considered changing my name to my grandfather's "old country" surname, for instance, particularly if I, e.g., adopted a child alone (I will not inflict my hyphenation on an innocent child.)
Anyway, my relatives have mostly thought this a charming and "brings honor to our ancestors" kind of idea, and it could give your parents a bit of a relief, especially if your middle name isn't particularly ethnic and your original surname is.
posted by SMPA at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Make it your middle name.
posted by anniecat at 7:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 7:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I agree with what everyone else already mentioned, but I wanted to point out that your parents most likely wanted you to keep your last name because of history, tradition, family ties, and bridging the gap between generations and families of procreation (or any other type of family) and families of orientation.
Your parents need to accept that this is your decision, especially when this might affect other generations (if you choose to have kids) and even not, this last name has affected you and isn't something that you like to have attached to your name for personal reasons.
Let your parents know that you are doing this to mark a transition in your life, that this isn't a reflection of them but that you dislike having that word attached to your name because of whatever reasons (don't sugarcoat it but don't be too blunt).
Let them also know that you plan on carrying family traditions (regardless of whether or not you have kids) and bridging the gap between generations and families because where you came from matters just as much as the life that you and your soon to be wife are going to create for yourselves.
posted by livinglearning at 7:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your parents need to accept that this is your decision, especially when this might affect other generations (if you choose to have kids) and even not, this last name has affected you and isn't something that you like to have attached to your name for personal reasons.
Let your parents know that you are doing this to mark a transition in your life, that this isn't a reflection of them but that you dislike having that word attached to your name because of whatever reasons (don't sugarcoat it but don't be too blunt).
Let them also know that you plan on carrying family traditions (regardless of whether or not you have kids) and bridging the gap between generations and families because where you came from matters just as much as the life that you and your soon to be wife are going to create for yourselves.
posted by livinglearning at 7:52 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
This: I don't think they realised how much if affected me (although I have talked it through with them this week) and back then I was too young to make the hard decision myself. I just can't do the same thing to my fiancée or my potential children.
This doesn't sound like a selfish decision you are making...The time is right to make the change now.
posted by Mr.Me at 8:01 PM on January 16, 2012
This doesn't sound like a selfish decision you are making...The time is right to make the change now.
posted by Mr.Me at 8:01 PM on January 16, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks for the feedback all, it makes me feel better about the decision.
I think I will also make it clear to my parents that I will tell potential children that they are free to change the name back if they feel they have lost a part of their ancestry at some point in the future. As long as the name is opt-in I don't mind and I think this is a decent compromise for not being able to predict the future of how words change meanings.
SMPA: unfortunately neither my mother's surname, nor my father's mother's surname are ones I want to change to. My middle name is actually my father's first name, so there is at least some continuity there.
posted by zemaj at 8:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think I will also make it clear to my parents that I will tell potential children that they are free to change the name back if they feel they have lost a part of their ancestry at some point in the future. As long as the name is opt-in I don't mind and I think this is a decent compromise for not being able to predict the future of how words change meanings.
SMPA: unfortunately neither my mother's surname, nor my father's mother's surname are ones I want to change to. My middle name is actually my father's first name, so there is at least some continuity there.
posted by zemaj at 8:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hey, we just did this, sort of! When my husband (also the "end of the line") and I got married, neither of us felt okay with asking the other person to upend their surname for someone else, but we also didn't like the idea of not having a shared surname to pass on to our kids. We opted for a neutral last name that used some letters from both of our old surnames.
Because I'm a woman, my parents didn't give a damn about this newfangled decision, but boy oh boy did my husband's family get upset. My mother-in-law was particularly upset, which strikes me as weird because she only adopted this name when she got married herself! Anyway, my husband let his mom air out all of her complaints (it's not a "real" name, he's the last of the male XNames, she feels like he's eschewing his heritage, if I'm so ready to give up my last name then why don't I just take XName?, etc etc). He listened for a long, long time over the course of several phone conversations.
Then he pointed out that we were both doing what she had done many years ago when she decided to change her last name to his father's. He pointed out that all last names are fake, inasmuch as they're only signifiers of family ties as opposed to actual familial bonds. He said that he would always be her son, and that our children would be genetically and emotionally tied to their bloodlines. She eventually saw that her son had thought long and hard about giving up his surname and he wasn't going to change his mind, so she backed down. I don't think she's 100% okay with the decision yet, but we've only been married a few months. By the time grandkids are running around, she'll be fine.
Right now, your parents likely feel short changed. Giving up a child to marriage is a bittersweet milestone for any couple, but the added displeasure of knowing that you're relinquishing your surname, this most basic tie to them and to future generations of XNames, will make this break feel especially deep. It's probably really hard for them to hear about the emotional damage that your surname has caused you over the years, because it's something they saddled on you. So let them vent about how it hurts their feelings, and be understanding.
Then, if I were you, I'd calmly something like, "I understand that you're upset, and please know that I'm not doing this to hurt you, or to divide our family. You'll always be my mom and dad. My future kids will know you as Grandma and Grandpa. Someone will get your nose, or your middle name. But I'm simply not taking this last name any further. If you want let this be a huge sticking point during a time when I need your help planning a wedding and figuring out a life with my new wife, then so be it. But I'd really prefer it if we could move past this and celebrate this time in my life."
posted by zoomorphic at 8:19 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Because I'm a woman, my parents didn't give a damn about this newfangled decision, but boy oh boy did my husband's family get upset. My mother-in-law was particularly upset, which strikes me as weird because she only adopted this name when she got married herself! Anyway, my husband let his mom air out all of her complaints (it's not a "real" name, he's the last of the male XNames, she feels like he's eschewing his heritage, if I'm so ready to give up my last name then why don't I just take XName?, etc etc). He listened for a long, long time over the course of several phone conversations.
Then he pointed out that we were both doing what she had done many years ago when she decided to change her last name to his father's. He pointed out that all last names are fake, inasmuch as they're only signifiers of family ties as opposed to actual familial bonds. He said that he would always be her son, and that our children would be genetically and emotionally tied to their bloodlines. She eventually saw that her son had thought long and hard about giving up his surname and he wasn't going to change his mind, so she backed down. I don't think she's 100% okay with the decision yet, but we've only been married a few months. By the time grandkids are running around, she'll be fine.
Right now, your parents likely feel short changed. Giving up a child to marriage is a bittersweet milestone for any couple, but the added displeasure of knowing that you're relinquishing your surname, this most basic tie to them and to future generations of XNames, will make this break feel especially deep. It's probably really hard for them to hear about the emotional damage that your surname has caused you over the years, because it's something they saddled on you. So let them vent about how it hurts their feelings, and be understanding.
Then, if I were you, I'd calmly something like, "I understand that you're upset, and please know that I'm not doing this to hurt you, or to divide our family. You'll always be my mom and dad. My future kids will know you as Grandma and Grandpa. Someone will get your nose, or your middle name. But I'm simply not taking this last name any further. If you want let this be a huge sticking point during a time when I need your help planning a wedding and figuring out a life with my new wife, then so be it. But I'd really prefer it if we could move past this and celebrate this time in my life."
posted by zoomorphic at 8:19 PM on January 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Is there a chance the family name was changed from something a generation or two back? Maybe there is a nice, hearty european name to go back to? (That your great grand kids will change, just to spite you.)
posted by gjc at 8:27 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by gjc at 8:27 PM on January 16, 2012
I did something similar with my name for similar reasons. It took the family a while to get over it, but they did. It might help to point out the genealogy behind your name change. For example, you can point out that you are taking your father's first name. Depending on your cultural background, this might even be traditional. Even if it is not, future family historians will be able to look at the name and see the relevance of the change in name. Perhaps you could take some sort of steps to have this documented somewhere, so that the meaning would not be lost and also so that the history of your family will be captured too. For example, you could publish an online family history. You could even maybe issue a private run of Lulu books that capture that history and the name change, if, at some point, sensitivities are less. Or you could invest in family photos to show lineage - maybe something creative where you are all holding photos of past family members and so on. I'm sure that, if you think creatively, you could find a way to help your family honour its history while respecting the fact that some of us end up with embarassing names. Very embarassing and traumatic names that may have held less meaning for previous generations.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:58 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:58 PM on January 16, 2012
Your follow-up suggestion is great. I was going to suggest that you do something that will give them confidence that you will communicate the information down the generations: e.g., create a binder with a nice leather cover with a family tree and other information on your genealogy. They probably just don't want past generations to be forgotten, so memorialize them and create links in other ways.
posted by slidell at 9:04 PM on January 16, 2012
posted by slidell at 9:04 PM on January 16, 2012
My mum was even worse and broke down crying saying she felt it was a rejection of family and wished she'd had another son to pass on the name! My dad has no brothers, so my change will 'end the line'.
We are not our names. They don't truly mean anything, it's just a handy word.
Names are passed down through the generations despite variants in spelling and pronunciation. Names were transformed completely at Ellis Island with no choice given to the family. Names were changed in fear of prejudice, or just for convenience. Name changes were the least of the fractures that a lot of families endured, and yet the family kept ticking along. Good gods, I can imagine the scolding that my great-grandmothers would give to the idea that changing a name "ends the line."
Stage names are still not uncommon, and they often get passed down -- John Stewart's wife took his last name of Stewart, not his birth name of Leibowitz. James Brolin's son is Josh Brolin, not Josh Bruderlin. And come on, women usually change their names when they marry (as I assume your mom did) without it being taken as a rejection of their family.
Reassure your parents that you're not ashamed of your heritage. And then see if you can gently steer them towards a little reality-check.
posted by desuetude at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2012
We are not our names. They don't truly mean anything, it's just a handy word.
Names are passed down through the generations despite variants in spelling and pronunciation. Names were transformed completely at Ellis Island with no choice given to the family. Names were changed in fear of prejudice, or just for convenience. Name changes were the least of the fractures that a lot of families endured, and yet the family kept ticking along. Good gods, I can imagine the scolding that my great-grandmothers would give to the idea that changing a name "ends the line."
Stage names are still not uncommon, and they often get passed down -- John Stewart's wife took his last name of Stewart, not his birth name of Leibowitz. James Brolin's son is Josh Brolin, not Josh Bruderlin. And come on, women usually change their names when they marry (as I assume your mom did) without it being taken as a rejection of their family.
Reassure your parents that you're not ashamed of your heritage. And then see if you can gently steer them towards a little reality-check.
posted by desuetude at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2012
I have a similar surname. I am also the last of my line, by choice. My wife didn't take my surname and I didn't take hers. We toyed with making up a new one but couldn't, in the end, be bothered.
My parents had no input into any of these decisions at all. To my thinking, this is simply none of their business. They stopped having a say in such matters after I grew up and left home, long ago.
posted by ead at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
My parents had no input into any of these decisions at all. To my thinking, this is simply none of their business. They stopped having a say in such matters after I grew up and left home, long ago.
posted by ead at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
A few family names are tied to a strong old lineage, some die out with lack of heirs, but when immigrating to North America, a lot of people's names were simply changed. Perhaps exploring this with your own family name would help lessen the importance of carrying the name forward.
Spelling was a pretty common accidental change or shortening of names - my ex's family went from Gustafson to Gusta, and now people think they're spanish . Some were to avoid further religious persecution, like my family - they were dutch mennonite, and their last name was Yokel (like the local yokels)... they changed it to Siemens, aka. eastern european version of Smith.
posted by lizbunny at 9:10 PM on January 16, 2012
Spelling was a pretty common accidental change or shortening of names - my ex's family went from Gustafson to Gusta, and now people think they're spanish . Some were to avoid further religious persecution, like my family - they were dutch mennonite, and their last name was Yokel (like the local yokels)... they changed it to Siemens, aka. eastern european version of Smith.
posted by lizbunny at 9:10 PM on January 16, 2012
There's nothing to feel guilty about here. Just because you don't feel like carrying on the long, noble tradition of all the mighty Faggots (for example) that came before you does not mean that you don't value your family or your history. If your soon-to-be wife really wants your last name regardless of what it is then you should definitely do this before you get married. So, that's two things.
The third thing, your parents. Frankly, if you feel they've said their piece then I wouldn't talk to them about it anymore. They really never have to be convinced of the rightness of this move or give it their blessing. But you need to do what's right for your life. This is great practice for drawing a line in the sand. Change your name. Next time it comes up, just say, "oh, we talked about this. I changed it to Franklin (for example)." If there is wailing and gnashing of teeth, let them cry and then offer them a big hug and tell them you love them and it'll be okay and you'll see them next month for supper.
posted by amanda at 9:11 PM on January 16, 2012
The third thing, your parents. Frankly, if you feel they've said their piece then I wouldn't talk to them about it anymore. They really never have to be convinced of the rightness of this move or give it their blessing. But you need to do what's right for your life. This is great practice for drawing a line in the sand. Change your name. Next time it comes up, just say, "oh, we talked about this. I changed it to Franklin (for example)." If there is wailing and gnashing of teeth, let them cry and then offer them a big hug and tell them you love them and it'll be okay and you'll see them next month for supper.
posted by amanda at 9:11 PM on January 16, 2012
At a certain point you have to say "This isn't about how much I love you. If you want to make it about that, there isn't anything I can do about that."
posted by DarlingBri at 10:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:14 PM on January 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I had a similar issue as well about names that was deeply linked to family history on my father's side. It's caused me a lot of irritation and trouble over the years, especially with banking.
Anyway, my parents wanted me to pass on the tradition to my sons. With our eldest son I made a compromise, which still made them somewhat sad, and things were a little awkward.
Fast-forward ten years, and they have forgotten all about it (and all about this little piece of family legacy, too!). So, I'm actually more annoyed with myself about the compromise, and wish I had named our eldest whatever we liked.
So, just do it. I don't know how you can make things right with your folks, though. But do it, because time heals all wounds.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:58 PM on January 16, 2012
Anyway, my parents wanted me to pass on the tradition to my sons. With our eldest son I made a compromise, which still made them somewhat sad, and things were a little awkward.
Fast-forward ten years, and they have forgotten all about it (and all about this little piece of family legacy, too!). So, I'm actually more annoyed with myself about the compromise, and wish I had named our eldest whatever we liked.
So, just do it. I don't know how you can make things right with your folks, though. But do it, because time heals all wounds.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:58 PM on January 16, 2012
My husband and I have been where you are. I didn't like my surname or his surname. I had been teased about my surname since birth and I knew I wouldn't keep it when I got married. But I really didn't like my husbands surname either and it kept on getting butchered by everyone who ever tried to pronounce or spell it. We ran into problems with identification some times as despite careful spelling on applications tons of companies got it wrong which made a hassle for us when we were trying to validate our identification or apply for certain things as you have to show proof of residence and on our residence bills the name was always spelled wrong. To make matters worse both my husband and I have names that could be suited for either sex so no one ever knew who was Mr and who was Mrs. Anyway, we decided to come up with a surname and we both changed names. We thought about a few different ones and decided on a name that was somewhat similar to a shorter version of his surname (there was NO way of shortening my surname and no way it could be improved). Most people were pretty good with the decision though admittedly my husbands father and some others on his side of the family struggled. This did seem like a double standard as girls are expected to take on names of others but this is less acceptable for men. As the years went by it became a non issue. The important thing was that we stayed together in a strong and happy relationship. My husband's other two siblings have since gone through yucky divorces so our name change became very minor in the overall scheme of things.
We never have problems with bills or ID and our name that we chose is not very common so we don't get lost in a crowd. No one even bats an eyelid about it now. Going through the process of name change at the time that you get married is easy and no big deal - we went and saw a lawyer and the lawyer sorted out all the name change documents for us - didn't even cost us much though I can't recall the fee off the top of my head. We've been living with our changed surname for 13 years now and most people don't even know that the surname I have is not my husbands name.
posted by YukonQuirm at 3:44 AM on January 17, 2012
We never have problems with bills or ID and our name that we chose is not very common so we don't get lost in a crowd. No one even bats an eyelid about it now. Going through the process of name change at the time that you get married is easy and no big deal - we went and saw a lawyer and the lawyer sorted out all the name change documents for us - didn't even cost us much though I can't recall the fee off the top of my head. We've been living with our changed surname for 13 years now and most people don't even know that the surname I have is not my husbands name.
posted by YukonQuirm at 3:44 AM on January 17, 2012
Would it be more palatable if you took your fiancée's name? Not that I think you should be shooting for more palatable, you should be doing whatever you and your fiancée have decided is best, but it might make it (in the eyes of your parents) into less of a rejection of your own name and more a celebration of your marriage. How would they have dealt with a daughter, if she wanted to change her name? This should be no different.
I think it's time to forcefully uncouple the idea of surnames denoting the strength of family connections. You won't share a surname with your parents? Doesn't make you any less their son, much like your wife will still be her parents' daughter if she takes your name. The gendered acceptance of this phenomenon is still a little strange to me, but culturally I come from a place where no one changes their name and therefore no one has a problem with mixed-name families.
posted by lydhre at 4:52 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think it's time to forcefully uncouple the idea of surnames denoting the strength of family connections. You won't share a surname with your parents? Doesn't make you any less their son, much like your wife will still be her parents' daughter if she takes your name. The gendered acceptance of this phenomenon is still a little strange to me, but culturally I come from a place where no one changes their name and therefore no one has a problem with mixed-name families.
posted by lydhre at 4:52 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
My wife legally dropped her surname and took her middle name as her new surname. I then took this new surname as my married name. True, we're both women, so our families are used to unconventionality anyways, but honestly, they had no input in the matter. We made the decision on our own, took the necessary steps, and informed them when it was all done. They dealt with it as they did, and no one has a had a problem in the intervening years.
You and your fiancee are becoming each other's primary family (if you're not already). You make decisions for yourselves. You can be gentle with your family, but be firm. This is something that you two have decided, for the best of your family.
posted by arcticwoman at 8:13 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
You and your fiancee are becoming each other's primary family (if you're not already). You make decisions for yourselves. You can be gentle with your family, but be firm. This is something that you two have decided, for the best of your family.
posted by arcticwoman at 8:13 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think I will also make it clear to my parents that I will tell potential children that they are free to change the name back
This seems to me like a tacit agreement that people's parents have a right to interfere in their choice of surname, which doesn't seem like the best argumentative strategy in this case.
Just like you, your children will choose to keep the surname they were born with, or to change it, and it isn't really your decision to make. Yes, your children might change their surnames to the one you were born with rather than the one they were born with, but holding that out as a consolation prize to your parents just muddies the water, in my opinion.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:12 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
This seems to me like a tacit agreement that people's parents have a right to interfere in their choice of surname, which doesn't seem like the best argumentative strategy in this case.
Just like you, your children will choose to keep the surname they were born with, or to change it, and it isn't really your decision to make. Yes, your children might change their surnames to the one you were born with rather than the one they were born with, but holding that out as a consolation prize to your parents just muddies the water, in my opinion.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:12 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I agree with the prevailing wisdom in the thread. Go on with your choice, be firm but respectful to your parents, this will blow over. They may be finding your changing circumstances with your impending nuptials (and, by relation, their changing circumstances) frightening and overwhelming. Be as warm and loving as you can be in this (for them) uncertain time, and know that this will pass.
John Stewart's wife took his last name of Stewart, not his birth name of Leibowitz Sorry, but that's Jon Stewart...
posted by arnicae at 5:35 PM on January 17, 2012
John Stewart's wife took his last name of Stewart, not his birth name of Leibowitz Sorry, but that's Jon Stewart...
posted by arnicae at 5:35 PM on January 17, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:31 PM on January 16, 2012