Casual relationship and NYE
December 21, 2011 7:03 AM Subscribe
I haven't been invited to his New Year's Eve party. Now what?
The guy I've been dating for just over a month co-owns a small business that's throwing a New Year's Eve party. It's been advertised through several city publications. He sent me the link to the party's website so I could see what he's been working on and showed me promotional materials. But he hasn't actually asked me to come, nor has he even asked what my plans are. I'd like to go, but am not sure how to approach the subject. This is a paid, public event that would require me to purchase a ticket. While I don't think it will sell out anytime soon, I'd prefer to know what I'm doing that night sooner than later. Thoughts?
FWIW, I would not be showing up alone and plan on having at least one girl friend in tow.
The guy I've been dating for just over a month co-owns a small business that's throwing a New Year's Eve party. It's been advertised through several city publications. He sent me the link to the party's website so I could see what he's been working on and showed me promotional materials. But he hasn't actually asked me to come, nor has he even asked what my plans are. I'd like to go, but am not sure how to approach the subject. This is a paid, public event that would require me to purchase a ticket. While I don't think it will sell out anytime soon, I'd prefer to know what I'm doing that night sooner than later. Thoughts?
FWIW, I would not be showing up alone and plan on having at least one girl friend in tow.
Is it possible that he knows that he is going to be "working" at this party (either technically working, like passing out drinks and fixing the sounds system, or more theoretically working, as in constantly available for and attentive to big clients) and doesn't want you to feel ignored? If the topic comes up again, mention that it sounds like fun and that a girlfriend of yours would LOVE to go...
posted by Rock Steady at 7:10 AM on December 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 7:10 AM on December 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
He probably sees it as work, not pleasure. I think he was trying to tell you that he cannot make plans because he has to work. He should tell you that you should come comped but he will be running around all night.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:13 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:13 AM on December 21, 2011
...nor has he even asked what my plans are.
Just take the initiative and ask him. Or just tell him that you and a girlfriend are planning to show up to this thing.
Although, keep in mind what Rock Steady says above re: it being an important networking night for him and he's not asking you because he thinks it might be dull/that you may get in the way/be bored if you're not an Industry Person.
posted by griphus at 7:14 AM on December 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just take the initiative and ask him. Or just tell him that you and a girlfriend are planning to show up to this thing.
Although, keep in mind what Rock Steady says above re: it being an important networking night for him and he's not asking you because he thinks it might be dull/that you may get in the way/be bored if you're not an Industry Person.
posted by griphus at 7:14 AM on December 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
It's been about a dozen "dates", sleepovers, etc.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011
"This is probably a dumb question, but are you going to put me on the guest list for that NYE party?"
If he says no, he's kind of a dick and you should dtmfa. If he's not a dick, I expect him to say something like "Oh man, I'm sorry-- of course, that's why i told you about it"
posted by empath at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011 [33 favorites]
If he says no, he's kind of a dick and you should dtmfa. If he's not a dick, I expect him to say something like "Oh man, I'm sorry-- of course, that's why i told you about it"
posted by empath at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011 [33 favorites]
I'm awkward and I don't ever assume I'm invited unless someone actually extends an invitation to me.
If you're interested in going then ask him, "should I purchase a ticket for myself and perhaps one for Ginger? Looks like a wonderful event and I am anxious to attend!". I don't know how you speak, but you get the idea.
posted by Yellow at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're interested in going then ask him, "should I purchase a ticket for myself and perhaps one for Ginger? Looks like a wonderful event and I am anxious to attend!". I don't know how you speak, but you get the idea.
posted by Yellow at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
This isn't his nye party, this os a commercial event. You always have the option to become his customer, and I doubt he would refuse to sell you tickets.
posted by tel3path at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by tel3path at 7:16 AM on December 21, 2011
This isn't his nye party, this os a commercial event. You always have the option to become his customer, and I doubt he would refuse to sell you tickets.
Oh come on. I've been involved in promoting for big NYE parties at clubs, etc, and you usually comp your friends and you ALWAYS comp your girlfriend. If you're not comping your GF, you're comping someone you want to have sex with.
posted by empath at 7:19 AM on December 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
Oh come on. I've been involved in promoting for big NYE parties at clubs, etc, and you usually comp your friends and you ALWAYS comp your girlfriend. If you're not comping your GF, you're comping someone you want to have sex with.
posted by empath at 7:19 AM on December 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
This is an odd situation. From your description, it does sound like it is a "work event", and it seems like you know that's the case as you bring up having a friend with you for that evening. Has he talked about what he is going to be doing while there? Is the party for a particular scene that you both are in to? He may think that you would rather not go, or that you have other plans. With all the caveats, you need to just tell him that you would like to go, AND bring a friend so that he doesn't worry that you'll be staying with him the entire night when he is trying to work.
posted by kellyblah at 7:22 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by kellyblah at 7:22 AM on December 21, 2011
Well, he's a guy, so he probably thinks it's simply a given that you are coming, so why does he need to formally ask you? :)
So, here's a good chance to practice your communication skills with him, and ask him about it. Right now!
posted by TinWhistle at 7:22 AM on December 21, 2011
So, here's a good chance to practice your communication skills with him, and ask him about it. Right now!
posted by TinWhistle at 7:22 AM on December 21, 2011
If you've only been dating for a month, my guess would be that he already asked someone else to go with him when the event planning started months ago.
posted by Jairus at 7:29 AM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Jairus at 7:29 AM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just ask him "The party looks great. So should I plan to come, or do you want to celebrate the New Year later on somewhere different?"
I do a lot of events for work, and I think of them as work. I actually forget sometimes that others perceive them as recreational fun. My SO will sometimes hear me whining about event planning at home and say "That sounds fun!" at which point I realize oh yeah, for other people that aren't writing contracts and promotional text, negotiating with caterers, fighting with the maintenance crew about the floor plan, and dealing with critique from co-workers, yes it is fun, and that's why we're doing it. But because I know I can't do what I want that evening and that I have to be at this "fun" event, I just don't think of it as part of my social life.
So it's really likely that's how he's looking at it. I think if he didn't want you to know about it he wouldn't have sent the link. So at least he's not giving you the silent brush-off about it. You know where he's going to be. So just say "I'm trying to figure out New Year's and the party looks great, should I plan to join you here or do something on my own?" The option to celebrate together later on may be really welcome to him, because when you have to work a holiday the time afterward is really the joyful, restful time. New Year's Day is actually a great time to have a late, lazy brunch or an open house party in the afternoon like 3-6 or a quiet dinner somewhere. It's usually totally not crowded in restaurants and is quietly romantic.
posted by Miko at 7:35 AM on December 21, 2011 [15 favorites]
I do a lot of events for work, and I think of them as work. I actually forget sometimes that others perceive them as recreational fun. My SO will sometimes hear me whining about event planning at home and say "That sounds fun!" at which point I realize oh yeah, for other people that aren't writing contracts and promotional text, negotiating with caterers, fighting with the maintenance crew about the floor plan, and dealing with critique from co-workers, yes it is fun, and that's why we're doing it. But because I know I can't do what I want that evening and that I have to be at this "fun" event, I just don't think of it as part of my social life.
So it's really likely that's how he's looking at it. I think if he didn't want you to know about it he wouldn't have sent the link. So at least he's not giving you the silent brush-off about it. You know where he's going to be. So just say "I'm trying to figure out New Year's and the party looks great, should I plan to join you here or do something on my own?" The option to celebrate together later on may be really welcome to him, because when you have to work a holiday the time afterward is really the joyful, restful time. New Year's Day is actually a great time to have a late, lazy brunch or an open house party in the afternoon like 3-6 or a quiet dinner somewhere. It's usually totally not crowded in restaurants and is quietly romantic.
posted by Miko at 7:35 AM on December 21, 2011 [15 favorites]
Why don't you ask him?
posted by John Cohen at 7:40 AM on December 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 7:40 AM on December 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Nthing asking him. As a guy I agree with spicynuts that he may have meant his previous emails as an invitation, so just ask him to clarify.
posted by Aizkolari at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by Aizkolari at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2011
I'd prefer to know what I'm doing that night sooner than later.
So decide what you are doing! It's odd for you to phrase this as something you have no control over, and are just a passive player waiting for someone else to decide your NYE plans. You have two choices -- either buy a ticket and let him know, or ask him directly if he wants to spend NYE with you.
posted by modernnomad at 8:33 AM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
So decide what you are doing! It's odd for you to phrase this as something you have no control over, and are just a passive player waiting for someone else to decide your NYE plans. You have two choices -- either buy a ticket and let him know, or ask him directly if he wants to spend NYE with you.
posted by modernnomad at 8:33 AM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
To have all your bases covered you could:
1. Sketch out rough plans for the thing you'd like to do the most with your friends, w/o guy, but don't commit
2. Say to guy, hey, is the whatever gala he's doing, that's a work thing, right? So you'll be busy?
a. If he says yes, blech, but you have your own fabulous plans and your dignity
b. If he says no and the link was an invite, oh he's sorry, he's an idiot, then you tell him you will consider canceling your fabulous plans
posted by angrycat at 9:08 AM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. Sketch out rough plans for the thing you'd like to do the most with your friends, w/o guy, but don't commit
2. Say to guy, hey, is the whatever gala he's doing, that's a work thing, right? So you'll be busy?
a. If he says yes, blech, but you have your own fabulous plans and your dignity
b. If he says no and the link was an invite, oh he's sorry, he's an idiot, then you tell him you will consider canceling your fabulous plans
posted by angrycat at 9:08 AM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I want to second Miko's approach. Just be casual but direct: what's up with the party? If it turns out that it's more work-related than a fun time, then make a plan with your girlfriend to go out and have an actual good time. Catch up with him the next day instead.
posted by aabbbiee at 9:12 AM on December 21, 2011
posted by aabbbiee at 9:12 AM on December 21, 2011
You are intimate enough to have sex with him? But not enough to ask him if you should come to a big party he's throwing?
Don't make this into a bigger deal than it is. Ask him whether you're invited or whether you should make other plans.
posted by hermitosis at 10:01 AM on December 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
Don't make this into a bigger deal than it is. Ask him whether you're invited or whether you should make other plans.
posted by hermitosis at 10:01 AM on December 21, 2011 [11 favorites]
A lot of people seem to be assuming that him sending you the link was essentially him inviting you to the party. I would be very cautious with this interpretation!
From his perspective, this may also have been him DISinviting you to the party, and explaining why he wasn't taking you out on NYE. "Sorry we can't go out! I'm working! See? It's very important, I can't skip out on it."
He may have already comped someone else who's expecting to play the part of the girlfriend. He may be crushing hard on someone who's planning to be there, and hoping to maneuver his way into a midnight kiss. Or maybe - all together now - He's Just Not That Into You.
I think empath has the best answer. It leaves him room to explain what he's thinking, and to proffer his own counter-offer if he wants to.
posted by ErikaB at 11:58 AM on December 21, 2011
From his perspective, this may also have been him DISinviting you to the party, and explaining why he wasn't taking you out on NYE. "Sorry we can't go out! I'm working! See? It's very important, I can't skip out on it."
He may have already comped someone else who's expecting to play the part of the girlfriend. He may be crushing hard on someone who's planning to be there, and hoping to maneuver his way into a midnight kiss. Or maybe - all together now - He's Just Not That Into You.
I think empath has the best answer. It leaves him room to explain what he's thinking, and to proffer his own counter-offer if he wants to.
posted by ErikaB at 11:58 AM on December 21, 2011
Ask him about it- "Your NYE event looks fun- should I go, or make other plans with my friends?"
posted by emd3737 at 2:25 PM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by emd3737 at 2:25 PM on December 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
My friend in high school always had a super bowl party. Our junior year, he never invited me. I knew he was having the party, but since he didn't invite me, I did my own thing. The next day he said "How come you didn't come to my party yesterday?" He was actually slightly offended that I missed it.
I assumed I was only invited if he told me personally. He assumed I knew (as his friend) that I was invited.
We both felt stupid.
posted by tacodave at 3:01 PM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I assumed I was only invited if he told me personally. He assumed I knew (as his friend) that I was invited.
We both felt stupid.
posted by tacodave at 3:01 PM on December 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Now what?
You ask him whether his plans include you.
(and FWIW, I don't know the nature of your dozen dates and sleepovers but if you're just casually dating, I wouldn't expect to automatically be included in the others plans... thus, the asking.)
posted by sm1tten at 4:28 PM on December 21, 2011
You ask him whether his plans include you.
(and FWIW, I don't know the nature of your dozen dates and sleepovers but if you're just casually dating, I wouldn't expect to automatically be included in the others plans... thus, the asking.)
posted by sm1tten at 4:28 PM on December 21, 2011
Ask him. Duh?
posted by oceanjesse at 9:12 PM on December 21, 2011
posted by oceanjesse at 9:12 PM on December 21, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
2) When you say 'just over a month', exactly how many dates are we talking about? Because if it's 3, I wouldn't think it's a given you would get an invite. Which means either he's an insensitive douche for sending you a link to a party he's not inviting you to, OR...refer back to 1.
posted by spicynuts at 7:07 AM on December 21, 2011