How to Take it Slow
December 16, 2011 9:42 AM Subscribe
This question is twofold but relates to one goal: I want to approach new romantic relationships differently than I have in the past, which I think means more slowly. How to best do this?
In the past, as soon as I feel a spark or connection with a potential romantic partner, a part of me (mind? heart? body?) kind of decides that this is my person, as in, I stop really being open to other possibilities before the said person and I are even committed (sometimes before we've even slept together.) The problem I see in this is that I have not always chosen partners with whom I'm as compatible as I'd like to be. I'm at a point now where I'm ready for committed long term partnership if a strong enough connection is there. Recently, I went on a few promising dates with someone. We just kissed. I feel excited but also like I really have no idea yet how compatible we are (of course, right? Only a few dates!)
So, now for the questions:
Should I continue to pursue other dating options while I'm in this early stage with New Person? (I believe that being sexual with someone calls for open disclosure about this sort of thing, but not beforehand.) Because of my tendency to tie myself in (which sometimes leads to what feels like trapping myself in a not great relationship) too quickly, I don't really want to go out with other people. But I wonder if it's a smarter way to go since it will give me more perspective on dating New Person and stop me from jumping in too fast.
Part Two: Sex. How long to wait before I get in bed with someone new? Sex is blinding (at least for me) and I don't want to be blinded to other things, i.e. compatibility. I know there are no rules on this. I just want opinions, anecdotes, etc. Thanks :)
In the past, as soon as I feel a spark or connection with a potential romantic partner, a part of me (mind? heart? body?) kind of decides that this is my person, as in, I stop really being open to other possibilities before the said person and I are even committed (sometimes before we've even slept together.) The problem I see in this is that I have not always chosen partners with whom I'm as compatible as I'd like to be. I'm at a point now where I'm ready for committed long term partnership if a strong enough connection is there. Recently, I went on a few promising dates with someone. We just kissed. I feel excited but also like I really have no idea yet how compatible we are (of course, right? Only a few dates!)
So, now for the questions:
Should I continue to pursue other dating options while I'm in this early stage with New Person? (I believe that being sexual with someone calls for open disclosure about this sort of thing, but not beforehand.) Because of my tendency to tie myself in (which sometimes leads to what feels like trapping myself in a not great relationship) too quickly, I don't really want to go out with other people. But I wonder if it's a smarter way to go since it will give me more perspective on dating New Person and stop me from jumping in too fast.
Part Two: Sex. How long to wait before I get in bed with someone new? Sex is blinding (at least for me) and I don't want to be blinded to other things, i.e. compatibility. I know there are no rules on this. I just want opinions, anecdotes, etc. Thanks :)
Best answer: You don't need to date other people, or wait for a predetermined amount of time before you get in bed. You do need to keep what YOU want and need in your mind, instead of letting the dizziness of the moment / cultural expectations / flattery of being desired confuse you about what you feel:
1) Do I like this person because he likes ME and I am caught up in the excitement of this connection? Or do I like him because I like him?
2) Do I badly want to sleep with him because he wants to sleep with me and I am caught up in the excitement of this possibility? Or do I want to sleep with him?
Please assume gender pronoun neutrality in this answer.
posted by sestaaak at 10:08 AM on December 16, 2011 [8 favorites]
1) Do I like this person because he likes ME and I am caught up in the excitement of this connection? Or do I like him because I like him?
2) Do I badly want to sleep with him because he wants to sleep with me and I am caught up in the excitement of this possibility? Or do I want to sleep with him?
Please assume gender pronoun neutrality in this answer.
posted by sestaaak at 10:08 AM on December 16, 2011 [8 favorites]
Best answer: "Should I continue to pursue other dating options while I'm in this early stage with New Person? Because of my tendency to tie myself in too quickly, I don't really want to go out with other people. But I wonder if it's a smarter way to go since it will give me more perspective on dating New Person and stop me from jumping in too fast."
Hrm. Well, I'm polyamorous, and perhaps not the person to answer... but should you continue to pursue other dating options when you really don't want to go out with other people?
There's your answer right there, I suspect. It's not a no, necessarily, if you do meet someone else you want to go out with... but it isn't a forced yes.
If you are going to force yourself to do something, try to make sure it's the kind of things that are important to you that you're likely to put somewhat to the side if you were to get very seriously wrapped up with this other person. See your friends. Keep going to regular gatherings. Keep taking those classes, the hikes on weekends, etc. Keep meeting new people, albeit in a non-sexual manner. Maybe you will find someone you want to go out with or maybe you won't, but you shouldn't force it.
"How long to wait before I get in bed with someone new? Sex is blinding (at least for me) and I don't want to be blinded to other things, i.e. compatibility."
Do you want to have sex with them? Or do you want a serious relationship with them? Do you want a new relationship... or are you happy where you are, while desirous of only some elements commonly seen in one, such as the cuddling, intimacy, etc.?
The thing any poly person would tell you here is that everything in relationships is negotiable. You are allowed to define relationships any way you want.
Frankly, I'm not afraid to have sex with others who understand this, and I'm not scared of relationships, so long as we're both doing the things we like to do together. The options are always there. Keeping yours as open as you wish, and doing exactly what you want isn't either slutty or fickle. It's simply honest to yourself.
posted by markkraft at 10:11 AM on December 16, 2011
Hrm. Well, I'm polyamorous, and perhaps not the person to answer... but should you continue to pursue other dating options when you really don't want to go out with other people?
There's your answer right there, I suspect. It's not a no, necessarily, if you do meet someone else you want to go out with... but it isn't a forced yes.
If you are going to force yourself to do something, try to make sure it's the kind of things that are important to you that you're likely to put somewhat to the side if you were to get very seriously wrapped up with this other person. See your friends. Keep going to regular gatherings. Keep taking those classes, the hikes on weekends, etc. Keep meeting new people, albeit in a non-sexual manner. Maybe you will find someone you want to go out with or maybe you won't, but you shouldn't force it.
"How long to wait before I get in bed with someone new? Sex is blinding (at least for me) and I don't want to be blinded to other things, i.e. compatibility."
Do you want to have sex with them? Or do you want a serious relationship with them? Do you want a new relationship... or are you happy where you are, while desirous of only some elements commonly seen in one, such as the cuddling, intimacy, etc.?
The thing any poly person would tell you here is that everything in relationships is negotiable. You are allowed to define relationships any way you want.
Frankly, I'm not afraid to have sex with others who understand this, and I'm not scared of relationships, so long as we're both doing the things we like to do together. The options are always there. Keeping yours as open as you wish, and doing exactly what you want isn't either slutty or fickle. It's simply honest to yourself.
posted by markkraft at 10:11 AM on December 16, 2011
When I was single, I really preferred to date one person at a time. I felt a lot of societal pressure to be dating lots of people, and I tried it for a while, but I didn't like it. It's okay just to date one person at a time, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I felt the same way you do about how it seems logical to date lots of people at once until you are very sure, but turns out my mind/heart/body just wanted one thing at a time, and there's nothing wrong with that approach.
posted by pupstocks at 10:24 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by pupstocks at 10:24 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
Sex is blinding (at least for me) and I don't want to be blinded to other things, i.e. compatibility.
I think you should back off until you see more clearly. People who make their decisions about a person based on the fact of having had sex with that person can easily end up in a bad place. A couple of my favorite and the most beloved people in my life have been seriously damaged by the naive fiction that "I am a good and loving person therefore anyone I would sleep with has good and loving qualities that I am responding to in a good and loving way."
It is amazing that you've already figured out that you are blinded by sex. What should you do next? I dunno. You could try making sure you don't get into any situations where you can be blindsided and perhaps spend a lot of time thinking about how stupid and base and biological sex can be. Maybe when you are out and about you can study people and think about how that person who looks dull and dumpy to you may well be having awesome sex with a caring, committed partner while another person who looks sharp may be trapped in a horrible cycle of bad drunken hook-ups. Sex isn't magic or constant - it's a lot of things and depends on context.
I was never blinded by sex so I'm not sure how to help you see the light - but it is wonderful that you are self-aware.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:11 AM on December 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think you should back off until you see more clearly. People who make their decisions about a person based on the fact of having had sex with that person can easily end up in a bad place. A couple of my favorite and the most beloved people in my life have been seriously damaged by the naive fiction that "I am a good and loving person therefore anyone I would sleep with has good and loving qualities that I am responding to in a good and loving way."
It is amazing that you've already figured out that you are blinded by sex. What should you do next? I dunno. You could try making sure you don't get into any situations where you can be blindsided and perhaps spend a lot of time thinking about how stupid and base and biological sex can be. Maybe when you are out and about you can study people and think about how that person who looks dull and dumpy to you may well be having awesome sex with a caring, committed partner while another person who looks sharp may be trapped in a horrible cycle of bad drunken hook-ups. Sex isn't magic or constant - it's a lot of things and depends on context.
I was never blinded by sex so I'm not sure how to help you see the light - but it is wonderful that you are self-aware.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:11 AM on December 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've always had this problem and I think the book Attached has really helped me understand why I do this and what I should do about it. I've definitely gotten attached to people do quickly that I overlook dealbreakers and exclude potentially better relationships. Lately I've been doing that the book says and using their tips to not get attached too quickly and it is hard for me, but it's been worth it and it has already saved me from diving into two potential relationships, where I was having fun dating and just blithely ignoring obvious long-term incompatibilities.
posted by melissam at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by melissam at 11:41 AM on December 16, 2011 [3 favorites]
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Introducing a different person into the equation will not necessarily give you more clarity in terms of the one you're already dating. You just have to pay attention to the person already in front of you.
posted by devymetal at 9:58 AM on December 16, 2011 [1 favorite]