How do I break up with someone if I have no real conflict with her?
December 9, 2011 9:02 AM Subscribe
I've been dating a woman for almost a year now and I've decided it would be best for us to stop. But there are no notable "problems" in our relationship, so I don't know how to go about doing it.
She loves me and I think that she is happy with the relationship, at least by her own account. For my part, the relationship doesn't give me what I need. For the first few months I didn't worry about this, for the middle six months I tried to stay open to it and see if things got better for me, and at this point, I just know that I can't see her in my future.
The reasons are fairly simple:
* Dispositionally, I think we're well matched as friends but not as partners.
* When I'm sad or having a family problem, or something of the sort, she has a really difficult time engaging with it, and I don't feel supported. Often times those sort of concerns are met with silence or subject-changing.
* I feel terrible saying this, but I think she's either somewhat shallow or just really shut off from her own feelings.
* She's wound a bit tight and keeps most people at a distance, which doesn't facilitate the sort of social life that I want for myself personally.
These are all things that could've led to conflict in the past, but I think we are both somewhat conflict averse, and we've avoided that. So I don't know how to even broach the subject that it's not working for me . . . my experience has always been that actual conflicts are the way into a conversation about whether to continue a relationship. The only thing even close to that was a short conversation when she was upset that I didn't want to move in with her.
With our own relative calm and good rapport, I feel like just breaking up with her would seem like a non-sequitir, confusing and maybe a bit unfair.
At the same time I know what would be most unfair would be to continue the relationship simply because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's 33 years old and I'm sure she'd prefer to move on if she knew how I feel.
Please give me some advice on how to start this conversation in a way that makes sense. Thank you.
She loves me and I think that she is happy with the relationship, at least by her own account. For my part, the relationship doesn't give me what I need. For the first few months I didn't worry about this, for the middle six months I tried to stay open to it and see if things got better for me, and at this point, I just know that I can't see her in my future.
The reasons are fairly simple:
* Dispositionally, I think we're well matched as friends but not as partners.
* When I'm sad or having a family problem, or something of the sort, she has a really difficult time engaging with it, and I don't feel supported. Often times those sort of concerns are met with silence or subject-changing.
* I feel terrible saying this, but I think she's either somewhat shallow or just really shut off from her own feelings.
* She's wound a bit tight and keeps most people at a distance, which doesn't facilitate the sort of social life that I want for myself personally.
These are all things that could've led to conflict in the past, but I think we are both somewhat conflict averse, and we've avoided that. So I don't know how to even broach the subject that it's not working for me . . . my experience has always been that actual conflicts are the way into a conversation about whether to continue a relationship. The only thing even close to that was a short conversation when she was upset that I didn't want to move in with her.
With our own relative calm and good rapport, I feel like just breaking up with her would seem like a non-sequitir, confusing and maybe a bit unfair.
At the same time I know what would be most unfair would be to continue the relationship simply because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's 33 years old and I'm sure she'd prefer to move on if she knew how I feel.
Please give me some advice on how to start this conversation in a way that makes sense. Thank you.
Litnerd found the link faster than I. That's how I would proceed.
posted by pointystick at 9:09 AM on December 9, 2011
posted by pointystick at 9:09 AM on December 9, 2011
With our own relative calm and good rapport, I feel like just breaking up with her would seem like a non-sequitir, confusing and maybe a bit unfair.
It would be, since it sounds like you never tried to talk to her about these problems. For someone who values being in touch with feelings, you need to be able to talk to relationship partners about these types of things. Not everyone shows support and connection in the same way.
posted by unannihilated at 9:39 AM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
It would be, since it sounds like you never tried to talk to her about these problems. For someone who values being in touch with feelings, you need to be able to talk to relationship partners about these types of things. Not everyone shows support and connection in the same way.
posted by unannihilated at 9:39 AM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
I know what would be most unfair would be to continue the relationship simply because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's 33 years old and I'm sure she'd prefer to move on if she knew how I feel
This. I think you can just say, "I'm not feeling the depth of connection I thought I would be at this point in our relationship, and I think it's unfair to both of us to continue it.".
It's going to suck, but you are doing the right thing by ending it. No one wants to be with a partner that is ambivalent about them, and I suspect that if you're both conflict averse she might even find it a relief that you did the hard part by broaching the subject. Good luck.
posted by stellaluna at 9:45 AM on December 9, 2011 [13 favorites]
This. I think you can just say, "I'm not feeling the depth of connection I thought I would be at this point in our relationship, and I think it's unfair to both of us to continue it.".
It's going to suck, but you are doing the right thing by ending it. No one wants to be with a partner that is ambivalent about them, and I suspect that if you're both conflict averse she might even find it a relief that you did the hard part by broaching the subject. Good luck.
posted by stellaluna at 9:45 AM on December 9, 2011 [13 favorites]
If you want to break up with her, then by all means do so using Miko's advice.
However, I would like to say somethig similar to what unannihilated said just above. There will always be problems in any relationship, and if you want to make things work long-term it's a good idea try to address them rather than just letting things build up or waiting to see if they go away on their own.
You say this woman would rather be free to seek someone else if she knew how you felt. But is that the only alternative to continuing on as things are? Maybe she'd like try to work things out with you if she knew how you felt rather than throw away a relationship with someone she loves. I know I'd rather do that than be suddenly discarded because of problems I didn't even know existed.
Not trying to tell you what to do here, of course. If you don't love this woman, if she just doesn't do it for you, then yes, break up with her. But if you do love her and there's a lot of good things between you, it might be worth trying to work things out. All relationships take work and at least some hard conversations, so what you're looking for is not one that is perfect, but one that seems worth the maintenance.
posted by orange swan at 9:58 AM on December 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
However, I would like to say somethig similar to what unannihilated said just above. There will always be problems in any relationship, and if you want to make things work long-term it's a good idea try to address them rather than just letting things build up or waiting to see if they go away on their own.
You say this woman would rather be free to seek someone else if she knew how you felt. But is that the only alternative to continuing on as things are? Maybe she'd like try to work things out with you if she knew how you felt rather than throw away a relationship with someone she loves. I know I'd rather do that than be suddenly discarded because of problems I didn't even know existed.
Not trying to tell you what to do here, of course. If you don't love this woman, if she just doesn't do it for you, then yes, break up with her. But if you do love her and there's a lot of good things between you, it might be worth trying to work things out. All relationships take work and at least some hard conversations, so what you're looking for is not one that is perfect, but one that seems worth the maintenance.
posted by orange swan at 9:58 AM on December 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
I also popped in to direct you to Miko's previous post on this general topic.
To be clear, while you should of course customize the speech for your situation, you should follow that framework and don't list all the problems you put in your post here. While you have every right to feel that she is shallow, socially isolated, and unsupportive, don't tell her these things when you break up. If you feel you need "closure" or to get those things off your chest or something, go out to the bar with some friends after. But be nice and try to stay positive (as much as possible) during the actual breakup.
posted by rkent at 9:59 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
To be clear, while you should of course customize the speech for your situation, you should follow that framework and don't list all the problems you put in your post here. While you have every right to feel that she is shallow, socially isolated, and unsupportive, don't tell her these things when you break up. If you feel you need "closure" or to get those things off your chest or something, go out to the bar with some friends after. But be nice and try to stay positive (as much as possible) during the actual breakup.
posted by rkent at 9:59 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Wow. That's kind of spooky. Based on personal experience, yes, Miko's general conversational outline is probably the best way to proceed.
Just don't think that's going to make it easy.
posted by Naberius at 10:03 AM on December 9, 2011
Just don't think that's going to make it easy.
posted by Naberius at 10:03 AM on December 9, 2011
But there are no notable "problems" in our relationship, so I don't know how to go about doing it.
Hey, but then you went on to list a bunch of notable problems. To summarize -- you don't feel supported with your emotions or problems that come up in your life, you feel she is shut off from her feelings, you feel she keeps people at a distance which doesn't help your social life. Those are absolutely problems and they are totally notable.
And then you say:
For the first few months I didn't worry about this, for the middle six months I tried to stay open to it and see if things got better for me, and at this point, I just know that I can't see her in my future.
Okay -- first you didn't worry about the problems, then you just tried to stay open and see if things got better. But you don't mention really laying them out on the table and working together to try to find good solutions to them?
So it sounds like the issue here is not that there are no notable problems. It sounds like the issue is that you never mentioned the problems. It sounds like there has to be conflict already -- a fight, an argument, anger -- before you are comfortable talking about problems. No, it doesn't have to be like that at all. Talking about problems doesn't have to mean fighting. Many conflict-averse people are able to discuss problems in a really conflict-free way. And if you are afraid of the reaction of the OTHER person, you can work on getting more comfortable with the possibility of that.
This relationship aside, I really think you should work on this. I worry that you have set this thing up for yourself where everything has to be perfect with someone or you will have to break up with them. Because you aren't comfortable bringing issues up that you're unhappy about. What will happen then if everything is perfect with someone and you get married and build a whole life together, and THEN a problem comes up?
That's not to say I think you need to try to work things out with THIS woman if you just don't want to though. I'm just trying to say there's an option here in between staying completely quiet on these things and just breaking up over them.
With our own relative calm and good rapport, I feel like just breaking up with her would seem like a non-sequitir, confusing and maybe a bit unfair.
Then maybe let her know how you feel, first? I would at least start with the first item you mentioned, how you don't feel emotionally supported in your negative emotions and problems in your life. Because that's about you and your own feelings. It's not that I don't think the others are legit, but I think it would be better, if you do end up bringing them up, to reframe them in a way that's about how you feel, rather than what's defective about her, and make them more concrete if you can; e.g., rather than saying she seems shallow and closed off from her feelings, you could say, "It seems we never mutually share our feelings, and when I'm the only person sharing, I feel _____."
posted by cairdeas at 10:17 AM on December 9, 2011 [12 favorites]
Hey, but then you went on to list a bunch of notable problems. To summarize -- you don't feel supported with your emotions or problems that come up in your life, you feel she is shut off from her feelings, you feel she keeps people at a distance which doesn't help your social life. Those are absolutely problems and they are totally notable.
And then you say:
For the first few months I didn't worry about this, for the middle six months I tried to stay open to it and see if things got better for me, and at this point, I just know that I can't see her in my future.
Okay -- first you didn't worry about the problems, then you just tried to stay open and see if things got better. But you don't mention really laying them out on the table and working together to try to find good solutions to them?
So it sounds like the issue here is not that there are no notable problems. It sounds like the issue is that you never mentioned the problems. It sounds like there has to be conflict already -- a fight, an argument, anger -- before you are comfortable talking about problems. No, it doesn't have to be like that at all. Talking about problems doesn't have to mean fighting. Many conflict-averse people are able to discuss problems in a really conflict-free way. And if you are afraid of the reaction of the OTHER person, you can work on getting more comfortable with the possibility of that.
This relationship aside, I really think you should work on this. I worry that you have set this thing up for yourself where everything has to be perfect with someone or you will have to break up with them. Because you aren't comfortable bringing issues up that you're unhappy about. What will happen then if everything is perfect with someone and you get married and build a whole life together, and THEN a problem comes up?
That's not to say I think you need to try to work things out with THIS woman if you just don't want to though. I'm just trying to say there's an option here in between staying completely quiet on these things and just breaking up over them.
With our own relative calm and good rapport, I feel like just breaking up with her would seem like a non-sequitir, confusing and maybe a bit unfair.
Then maybe let her know how you feel, first? I would at least start with the first item you mentioned, how you don't feel emotionally supported in your negative emotions and problems in your life. Because that's about you and your own feelings. It's not that I don't think the others are legit, but I think it would be better, if you do end up bringing them up, to reframe them in a way that's about how you feel, rather than what's defective about her, and make them more concrete if you can; e.g., rather than saying she seems shallow and closed off from her feelings, you could say, "It seems we never mutually share our feelings, and when I'm the only person sharing, I feel _____."
posted by cairdeas at 10:17 AM on December 9, 2011 [12 favorites]
I'm just going to chime in with some moral support - you're not the only one to have ever gone through it. They suck, you struggle with the decision for months, but in the end - it's best for both of you. You'll still think about her for a few months, occasionally every few years she'll pop back into memory but As my brother said when I went through (and am going through) the same thing; in the end you're fitting a square peg into a round hole. It sorta awkwardly fits but never fully does, sometimes you overlook it, making due with it and sometimes you gotta fix it.
posted by lpcxa0 at 10:18 AM on December 9, 2011
posted by lpcxa0 at 10:18 AM on December 9, 2011
I disagree with all the people above who are saying that you should tell her about the specific problems and try to work on them. The list you give seems to trend heavily towards inherent aspects of personality (vs. specific behaviors that are amenable to being worked on), and I think it's a bit cruel to tell her she needs to change her personality. I mean, she could pick up specific behaviors that you're looking for when you talk about your problems, but I can almost guarantee it will be extremely hard for her to really hit the authentic reaction you're looking for and would probably just frustrate you both. Much kinder to just say, "At this point I thought I'd be feeling a deeper connection than I am, and despite the fact we don't have any real problems I can point to, I think it's time for me to end this." It probably will feel out-of-nowhere to her, confusing and quite unfair but it's still the right thing to do.
Someone on metafilter once said it was a kindness to let the person you break up with be really angry at you, and to not try to "fix" it so that they would still like you and be your friend. I think that's what you need to keep in mind here: yes, she's going to be sad; yes, she may be angry and confused; yes, you still need to do it anyway.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:36 AM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Someone on metafilter once said it was a kindness to let the person you break up with be really angry at you, and to not try to "fix" it so that they would still like you and be your friend. I think that's what you need to keep in mind here: yes, she's going to be sad; yes, she may be angry and confused; yes, you still need to do it anyway.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:36 AM on December 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
At this point I thought I'd be feeling a deeper connection than I am
This is perfect. You questions gives the impression that for you, at least emotionally, this has already ended.
Whatever conversation follows the breakup, just stick to the point that it's not working for you. The things you see as problems are problems for you. Nothing you mention sounds wrong to me and it would not be helpful for anyone if the "problems" are discussed.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:13 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is perfect. You questions gives the impression that for you, at least emotionally, this has already ended.
Whatever conversation follows the breakup, just stick to the point that it's not working for you. The things you see as problems are problems for you. Nothing you mention sounds wrong to me and it would not be helpful for anyone if the "problems" are discussed.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:13 AM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does she know what you need to feel supported and connected? Asking her to make an effort to give you those things (and of course, to tell you what *she* needs) is not asking her to change her personality.
If you are talking about your problems by ranting about them, her quiet and changing the subject might be about a discomfort with fear or intense emotions, but perhaps not out of a lack of interest in supporting you. Does she react differently to email / conversation about issues?
posted by bunderful at 11:22 AM on December 9, 2011
If you are talking about your problems by ranting about them, her quiet and changing the subject might be about a discomfort with fear or intense emotions, but perhaps not out of a lack of interest in supporting you. Does she react differently to email / conversation about issues?
posted by bunderful at 11:22 AM on December 9, 2011
I also think the qualities you listed as " character flaws" sound deeply ingrained in her personality and would come off as a personal attack were you to bring any of them up.
Another vote for, "At this point I thought I would be feeling a deeper connection than I am."
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on December 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another vote for, "At this point I thought I would be feeling a deeper connection than I am."
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on December 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm torn.
On the one hand, if you just ain't feeling it, there's nothing you can do, and letting her know is best.
But on the other hand -- I've been her, where a wonderful relationship was ripped out from under me because he also wasn't feeling it -- but also because he "didn't feel supported." And that felt TOTALLY unfair, to me, because I just thought, "well, hell, why didn't you try TELLING me that at some point during the past year so I could have had a chance to WORK ON THAT?"
Ultimately, I came to realize that he couldn't have done that anyway becuase he was REALLY conflict-averse, and ultimately that fact alone would have been a problem. But the fact that he didn't want to give me a chance to work on that and possibly make him happier, even if just for a little while, was what really broke my heart about that breakup -- it felt like he didn't have enough faith in me to even think I COULD try.
So: I would either be very, very sure about your reasons for this breakup -- SPECIFICALLY -- and be very, very sure that there isn't maybe some way to give her a chance to work on them even just for a little while and see what happens; or, I would go with Miko's advice.
But good God, if there's something she's not doing that you want, try TELLING her that first before giving up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on December 9, 2011 [23 favorites]
On the one hand, if you just ain't feeling it, there's nothing you can do, and letting her know is best.
But on the other hand -- I've been her, where a wonderful relationship was ripped out from under me because he also wasn't feeling it -- but also because he "didn't feel supported." And that felt TOTALLY unfair, to me, because I just thought, "well, hell, why didn't you try TELLING me that at some point during the past year so I could have had a chance to WORK ON THAT?"
Ultimately, I came to realize that he couldn't have done that anyway becuase he was REALLY conflict-averse, and ultimately that fact alone would have been a problem. But the fact that he didn't want to give me a chance to work on that and possibly make him happier, even if just for a little while, was what really broke my heart about that breakup -- it felt like he didn't have enough faith in me to even think I COULD try.
So: I would either be very, very sure about your reasons for this breakup -- SPECIFICALLY -- and be very, very sure that there isn't maybe some way to give her a chance to work on them even just for a little while and see what happens; or, I would go with Miko's advice.
But good God, if there's something she's not doing that you want, try TELLING her that first before giving up.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:41 AM on December 9, 2011 [23 favorites]
You don't need to justify breaking up with her. It's not "unfair", because it's your life too.
That said, it doesn't sound like you've ever actually tried to work on this relationship. Consider if your concerns were say, 75% addressed, would the relationship would be satifying for you? But if you want out, then that's okay.
posted by spaltavian at 11:52 AM on December 9, 2011
That said, it doesn't sound like you've ever actually tried to work on this relationship. Consider if your concerns were say, 75% addressed, would the relationship would be satifying for you? But if you want out, then that's okay.
posted by spaltavian at 11:52 AM on December 9, 2011
I would say break up, but please learn from both of your serious mistake here: it sounds like you never talked about your issues and gave yourselves an opportunity to address them. Don't do this in your next relationship.
It may be true that you are just not compatible, but how could you know if you don't discuss it and work on it. Your relationship problems seem quite minor to me if you had begun to discuss and work on them at four months, but you've let it go on way too long. It will hurt her, and that is not your fault or a reason not to break up, but the blindsiding part of the break up could have been totally avoided if you had discussed the problems you saw in your relationship.
posted by boobjob at 1:39 PM on December 9, 2011
It may be true that you are just not compatible, but how could you know if you don't discuss it and work on it. Your relationship problems seem quite minor to me if you had begun to discuss and work on them at four months, but you've let it go on way too long. It will hurt her, and that is not your fault or a reason not to break up, but the blindsiding part of the break up could have been totally avoided if you had discussed the problems you saw in your relationship.
posted by boobjob at 1:39 PM on December 9, 2011
I was very recently on the receiving end of something vaguely similar. I don't think her reasons were the same as yours (more about her, and less about the relationship) but the result was the same. It's pretty awful to be told that the relationship you've been loving, the one without any issues, is ending.
I wanted to know why, and I wanted to argue and plead my case and try to find a way to talk her out of it. I wanted to know why she hadn't said anything at all before if this had been on her mind. I wanted to know if any of the good times had been false - if not, then why end it? If so, then that's pretty despicable.
Ideally, you'd have mentioned at some point that you have a few issues with how it's going, but that's far easier to say than to do. If you're quite convinced that there's nothing she can do, then you need to accept that you'll be doing her a world of hurt in the short term. The best you can do it just tell her your reasons, and be honest about where you're coming from.
And please don't try to couch it in terms of 'you deserve someone who's better for you'. That may be true, but it's absolutely unhelpful to hear.
posted by twirlypen at 1:52 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I wanted to know why, and I wanted to argue and plead my case and try to find a way to talk her out of it. I wanted to know why she hadn't said anything at all before if this had been on her mind. I wanted to know if any of the good times had been false - if not, then why end it? If so, then that's pretty despicable.
Ideally, you'd have mentioned at some point that you have a few issues with how it's going, but that's far easier to say than to do. If you're quite convinced that there's nothing she can do, then you need to accept that you'll be doing her a world of hurt in the short term. The best you can do it just tell her your reasons, and be honest about where you're coming from.
And please don't try to couch it in terms of 'you deserve someone who's better for you'. That may be true, but it's absolutely unhelpful to hear.
posted by twirlypen at 1:52 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've also been on the receiving end of such a dump that came entirely out of the blue, where he unloaded a list of grievances on me he'd never mentioned before because he was too conflict adverse. It was the most gut wrenching breakup I've ever experienced and even sent me into therapy for a few months. After almost two years I still shudder a bit when I think about it.
If you are absolutely determined to break up with her, you're going to have to relinquish some pride and basically admit you've been an ass.
Here's what I'd do:
1) Start by saying you've been cowardly and haven't mentioned these doubts you've been having for months about your incompatibility because you're afraid of conflict. You realize this is going to come as a shock to her. That said don't overdo the self-flagellating at the start by saying you feel like a bastard because that sounds like you're selfishly wrapped up in your own feelings of guilt. After a bit of this get straight to the point rather than hemming and hawing and saying "I feel awful doing this" (she won't care) and leaving her hanging in suspense.
2) Frame the incompatibility problems as ones that are more about inherent personality differences rather than issues that can be fixed. Even if this isn't entirely true, it will be better for her sanity to make her believe this. Don't say she's shallow. Say that you're a very emotional person by nature and you deal with emotions by talking them out whereas she is less of an emotional talker. This difference in your emotional makeup has made you feel as if there's a wall between the two of you that has prevented the development of a deeper connection. If she asks for specifics I wouldn't bring up the not feeling supported but just say that your interactions never reached the level of emotional depth you craved. In other words say that there weren't any specific events but rather the lack of something...and you think it's because you guys are too differently wired to really relate. Emphasize that it's an incompatibility between the two of you rather than any a problem of hers.
3) At this point I'd quiet down and let her call you out (justifiably so) for not bringing up any of this stuff.
4) Agree with her that you've been lame and that you have issues. I would tell her what you told us, about how for the first few months you were still giving the connection a chance to develop but then it stalled after a certain point and you didn't have the guts to raise it as an issue. You kept hoping something would change.
5) If she tries to say "let's try to work it out" or "give me a chance to work on these problems" say that the incompatibilities run too deep in that they're simply personality differences.
What to avoid:
1) Don't say "you're an amazing person but..." (always sounds insincere and condescending). It is OK to say you've felt torn because you do have strong feelings for her and there are many levels in which you connect but this incompatibility has just prevented you from the relationship reaching a deeper level of closeness.
2) Don't mention anything about her future relationships like "I'm sure you'd get on fabulously with another person..." (it'll make her cringe to think that you're so emotionally checked out that you're already OK imagining her with someone else)
3) Don't offer friendship or say you work better as friends (will make her feel like an asexual buddy)
4) Don't ask "Do you hate me?" or say "I know you're going to hate me..." (selfish, and you shouldn't be concerned with your own feelings at this point)
5) Don't try to comfort her much unless she seems to really want it. Any comfort you give her will mostly likely feel cold and condescending on the receiving end.
posted by timsneezed at 3:27 PM on December 9, 2011 [15 favorites]
If you are absolutely determined to break up with her, you're going to have to relinquish some pride and basically admit you've been an ass.
Here's what I'd do:
1) Start by saying you've been cowardly and haven't mentioned these doubts you've been having for months about your incompatibility because you're afraid of conflict. You realize this is going to come as a shock to her. That said don't overdo the self-flagellating at the start by saying you feel like a bastard because that sounds like you're selfishly wrapped up in your own feelings of guilt. After a bit of this get straight to the point rather than hemming and hawing and saying "I feel awful doing this" (she won't care) and leaving her hanging in suspense.
2) Frame the incompatibility problems as ones that are more about inherent personality differences rather than issues that can be fixed. Even if this isn't entirely true, it will be better for her sanity to make her believe this. Don't say she's shallow. Say that you're a very emotional person by nature and you deal with emotions by talking them out whereas she is less of an emotional talker. This difference in your emotional makeup has made you feel as if there's a wall between the two of you that has prevented the development of a deeper connection. If she asks for specifics I wouldn't bring up the not feeling supported but just say that your interactions never reached the level of emotional depth you craved. In other words say that there weren't any specific events but rather the lack of something...and you think it's because you guys are too differently wired to really relate. Emphasize that it's an incompatibility between the two of you rather than any a problem of hers.
3) At this point I'd quiet down and let her call you out (justifiably so) for not bringing up any of this stuff.
4) Agree with her that you've been lame and that you have issues. I would tell her what you told us, about how for the first few months you were still giving the connection a chance to develop but then it stalled after a certain point and you didn't have the guts to raise it as an issue. You kept hoping something would change.
5) If she tries to say "let's try to work it out" or "give me a chance to work on these problems" say that the incompatibilities run too deep in that they're simply personality differences.
What to avoid:
1) Don't say "you're an amazing person but..." (always sounds insincere and condescending). It is OK to say you've felt torn because you do have strong feelings for her and there are many levels in which you connect but this incompatibility has just prevented you from the relationship reaching a deeper level of closeness.
2) Don't mention anything about her future relationships like "I'm sure you'd get on fabulously with another person..." (it'll make her cringe to think that you're so emotionally checked out that you're already OK imagining her with someone else)
3) Don't offer friendship or say you work better as friends (will make her feel like an asexual buddy)
4) Don't ask "Do you hate me?" or say "I know you're going to hate me..." (selfish, and you shouldn't be concerned with your own feelings at this point)
5) Don't try to comfort her much unless she seems to really want it. Any comfort you give her will mostly likely feel cold and condescending on the receiving end.
posted by timsneezed at 3:27 PM on December 9, 2011 [15 favorites]
Damn.
I feel like mailing that comment from timsneezed to my ex because jeez, that would have been SO MUCH BETTER than how he did handle it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:37 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I feel like mailing that comment from timsneezed to my ex because jeez, that would have been SO MUCH BETTER than how he did handle it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:37 PM on December 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
So much good advice here. You sound a lot like someone I know with similar issues, so I apologize if this sounds a little harsh:
TimSneezed, I think, has it best. You have been cowardly and need to own up to your own failures here. You weren't honest with what you needed. You continued the relationship too long. You never gave her a chance to respond to your needs, because she never knew what they were. You are about to blindside someone who trusts you.
The strangest part of what you wrote, to me, was: "For the first few months I didn't worry about this [lack of compatibility]" Which sounds like you knew right away you were not compatible with this woman, and yet continued to date her — which might signal a larger problem for you...? Why did you get involved in the first place? Do you have problems being alone? Were you rebounding out of another relationship? Were you bored? Were you just looking for a fun, light unserious fling but didn't say that? Why date someone you know from the start isn't a good fit?
If you're conflict averse and yet crave emotional connection, it sounds like you're looking for depth without being willing to do the work to earn that depth. To act honorably, you should have done this work much longer ago in this relationship, or perhaps even not entered into it.
Breaking up with someone with no warning is both cruel and selfish, but it sounds like the die is already cast in this case. For the least amount of damage to her heart and future relationships, follow TimSneezed's advice to the letter. And if the conversation goes badly, and you don't speak afterwards, say everything proper that Tim suggests in a letter — even if she doesn't seem to want to hear from you. You carry the responsibility here, you need to close the communication loop gently, lovingly and with great respect for what you took from her.
And I don't really know if this is your situation at all -- but if most of what you're bringing into relationships is this kind of Bad News, then maybe you should take a break for awhile and learn how to be by yourself before you jump into something you don't really want.
posted by amoeba at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
TimSneezed, I think, has it best. You have been cowardly and need to own up to your own failures here. You weren't honest with what you needed. You continued the relationship too long. You never gave her a chance to respond to your needs, because she never knew what they were. You are about to blindside someone who trusts you.
The strangest part of what you wrote, to me, was: "For the first few months I didn't worry about this [lack of compatibility]" Which sounds like you knew right away you were not compatible with this woman, and yet continued to date her — which might signal a larger problem for you...? Why did you get involved in the first place? Do you have problems being alone? Were you rebounding out of another relationship? Were you bored? Were you just looking for a fun, light unserious fling but didn't say that? Why date someone you know from the start isn't a good fit?
If you're conflict averse and yet crave emotional connection, it sounds like you're looking for depth without being willing to do the work to earn that depth. To act honorably, you should have done this work much longer ago in this relationship, or perhaps even not entered into it.
Breaking up with someone with no warning is both cruel and selfish, but it sounds like the die is already cast in this case. For the least amount of damage to her heart and future relationships, follow TimSneezed's advice to the letter. And if the conversation goes badly, and you don't speak afterwards, say everything proper that Tim suggests in a letter — even if she doesn't seem to want to hear from you. You carry the responsibility here, you need to close the communication loop gently, lovingly and with great respect for what you took from her.
And I don't really know if this is your situation at all -- but if most of what you're bringing into relationships is this kind of Bad News, then maybe you should take a break for awhile and learn how to be by yourself before you jump into something you don't really want.
posted by amoeba at 2:42 PM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, for moving forward (and advice from the flip side, from the discussion of how "Not To Mess Relationships Up") there are these great instructions on how not to be a coward in relationships from Nattie. Worth reviewing.
posted by amoeba at 7:31 PM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by amoeba at 7:31 PM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
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And of course, take a look at Miko's advice for how to start/lead this conversation.
posted by litnerd at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2011 [9 favorites]