help me to not implode
November 29, 2011 3:29 PM Subscribe
How do I not lose my shit to claustrophobia and insomnia on this ridiculous tour that I'm on?
So the gist is this, I agreed to go on a tour with a band, was told that travel was provided in an 18 passenger van, and that lodging would be provided. As a professional I assumed that I would have my own hotel room, as is the usual in the industry.
Found out the day we left that it's actually a 15 passenger van with the last row removed, so there are 11 seats, and there are 10 people in the van (people sitting 3 to a bench seat), and we are driving 2500 miles in 9 days, two of those days are 700 mile + days.
Add insult to injury, I've been suffering terrible insomnia lately, and I tend to be a bit of a curmudgeon who likes a lot of personal space. My roommate is a great guy...but he's a person...in my room...which would otherwise be my only respite from these other 9 people. They are GREAT people, don't get me wrong, but I had never met any of them before yesterday, so I don't even have a baseline level of comfort with them.
I'm trying to stay positive, and I realize that some of this was my own fault for not asking more questions. Everyone is in the same boat on this one, so I didn't want to be a dick, rock the boat, ask for my own room, etc.
My question to fellow introverts: How do you deal with situations like this?
I feel like I'm on the edge of a near-permanent panic attack right now.
I have books to read in the van, and have in-ear-monitors that block out most of the outside sound (though they can't quite block out a snoring roommate).
What sorts of mental tricks do you play with yourself?
TL;DR snowflake details:
I'm going to be working/traveling with these people for most of my waking hours.
Leaving this gig is not possible: #1 I don't want to be that douche who leaves people in the lurch, #2 I REAAAALLY need the money.
I thought about getting my own cheap hotel room in each city...but that would eat up nearly half of the money I'm making on this gig.
I thought about renting a car and driving myself with another passenger, thus freeing up two seats in the van but: #1 - I agreed to drive the van at times, and #2 - money money money money
So the gist is this, I agreed to go on a tour with a band, was told that travel was provided in an 18 passenger van, and that lodging would be provided. As a professional I assumed that I would have my own hotel room, as is the usual in the industry.
Found out the day we left that it's actually a 15 passenger van with the last row removed, so there are 11 seats, and there are 10 people in the van (people sitting 3 to a bench seat), and we are driving 2500 miles in 9 days, two of those days are 700 mile + days.
Add insult to injury, I've been suffering terrible insomnia lately, and I tend to be a bit of a curmudgeon who likes a lot of personal space. My roommate is a great guy...but he's a person...in my room...which would otherwise be my only respite from these other 9 people. They are GREAT people, don't get me wrong, but I had never met any of them before yesterday, so I don't even have a baseline level of comfort with them.
I'm trying to stay positive, and I realize that some of this was my own fault for not asking more questions. Everyone is in the same boat on this one, so I didn't want to be a dick, rock the boat, ask for my own room, etc.
My question to fellow introverts: How do you deal with situations like this?
I feel like I'm on the edge of a near-permanent panic attack right now.
I have books to read in the van, and have in-ear-monitors that block out most of the outside sound (though they can't quite block out a snoring roommate).
What sorts of mental tricks do you play with yourself?
TL;DR snowflake details:
I'm going to be working/traveling with these people for most of my waking hours.
Leaving this gig is not possible: #1 I don't want to be that douche who leaves people in the lurch, #2 I REAAAALLY need the money.
I thought about getting my own cheap hotel room in each city...but that would eat up nearly half of the money I'm making on this gig.
I thought about renting a car and driving myself with another passenger, thus freeing up two seats in the van but: #1 - I agreed to drive the van at times, and #2 - money money money money
I've always found that spending extra time in the bathroom to be calming when I need to get away from people on trips. Take a long bath or an extra long shower--unless there's an emergency, people won't bother you then.
posted by millions of peaches at 3:37 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by millions of peaches at 3:37 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: That sounds pretty intensely unpleasant, you have my sympathies.
All I can think of is, if you happen to like driving and find it fairly isolating, you could maybe volunteer for a little extra driving duty, since presumably folks are taking turns? Driving is at least a reasonable excuse to opt out of conversations and socializing, if nothing else.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 3:37 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
All I can think of is, if you happen to like driving and find it fairly isolating, you could maybe volunteer for a little extra driving duty, since presumably folks are taking turns? Driving is at least a reasonable excuse to opt out of conversations and socializing, if nothing else.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 3:37 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Second driving. That would freak me out, and I would offer to drive the entire time just to get a space where no one's touching me. Yikes. Good luck my friend.
posted by nevercalm at 3:39 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by nevercalm at 3:39 PM on November 29, 2011
get your own room for just one or two nights. if anyone asks, just say you need some downtime by yourself or you start feeling sick
posted by gt2 at 3:40 PM on November 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 3:40 PM on November 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
How about renting your room just, say, every third night of the tour? Your sanity is worth more than money. Try Priceline for last-minute deals -- it's pretty amazing the discounts you can get.
Do you have DVDs to watch as well as books? I find that mixing up the media helps the time go by. Crossword puzzles and such also work, since they occupy my brain in a different sort of way than reading.
posted by yarly at 3:40 PM on November 29, 2011
Do you have DVDs to watch as well as books? I find that mixing up the media helps the time go by. Crossword puzzles and such also work, since they occupy my brain in a different sort of way than reading.
posted by yarly at 3:40 PM on November 29, 2011
The next time you stop at a drugstore, buy a cheap small fan (the cheaper the better -- those are the noisiest ones) and run it in close to you in your room at night to help you fall and stay asleep.
Tell yourself that you can have one or two nights on your own in a cheap hotel somewhere along the trip, and pick a night when you can have the most hours in it. That way you're only splurging once, but at least you'll have a chance to catch up on some sleep and sanity.
Ask around if there's another snorer in the group, and maybe you can swap roommates to put the two noisemakers together.
And take as many meals alone as you can.
Best of luck.
posted by argonauta at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2011
Tell yourself that you can have one or two nights on your own in a cheap hotel somewhere along the trip, and pick a night when you can have the most hours in it. That way you're only splurging once, but at least you'll have a chance to catch up on some sleep and sanity.
Ask around if there's another snorer in the group, and maybe you can swap roommates to put the two noisemakers together.
And take as many meals alone as you can.
Best of luck.
posted by argonauta at 3:41 PM on November 29, 2011
If (and I guess it's a big if) you're staying at large enough hotels, scope out quiet lobby spaces and/or unused bathrooms. When I'm traveling for work I try to combat some of the same problems of being stuck with the same folks for 14-16 hour days on end by eating separately, going to bed slightly earlier, and getting up slightly earlier to have some downtime in the mornings, but my schedule doesn't always allow it, and it sounds like yours may not, either.
posted by deludingmyself at 3:44 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 3:44 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Ugh, that sounds terrible. N'thing the suggestion that you try and get your own room now and then -- doesn't have to be all the time, just when you really feel like you're desperate for it.
And concentrate on the fact that this too shall pass -- there WILL come a day when the tour is over, and that day is closer with every single moment.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:58 PM on November 29, 2011
And concentrate on the fact that this too shall pass -- there WILL come a day when the tour is over, and that day is closer with every single moment.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:58 PM on November 29, 2011
All of the advice is good, and I just wanted to say to keep in mind that this is only temporary. I know when I'm stressed with too much work and too many hours with the same coworkers, it seems like the end of the world because I need to get some alone time NOW NOW NOW or else I will lose my shit... but really, if I just stop and think that this is temporary, and not the worst thing in the world to have to go through, and at least I am in this with good people... and if I know the definite date of when this will all be over, I calm down and I am able to breathe and not stress about it as much.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 4:10 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 4:10 PM on November 29, 2011
Best answer: Well, that sounds like hell to me. Like I would actually sentence my worst enemy to an eternity of living through that, as punishment for all their wrongdoing. Because ugh.
The lobby is going to be deserted early in the morning, unless you're in a hotel with business travelers in which case it will be deserted in the mid-morning instead. Whenever it is deserted, go there. 99 times out of 100, your fellow travelers do not want to talk to you, especially in mid-market chain hotels. You can ask the desk clerk to turn the volume off on the TV.
A face mask from a drug store is surprisingly helpful for making yourself feel like you're alone. While you're reading a book you're still getting a lot of visual input from the other humans in your space. Having painkillers, antacids, and something to cool yourself down with readily available is also really nice when you're stressed. Make sure you're as physically comfortable as possible, just in general terms - progressive relaxation exercises may help (and you can do them in bed without a roommate noticing.)
Treat yourself to random nice things. Like, ask for an extra pillow from the folks at the front desk. Get dessert at dinner. Take a long shower. Buy a new album on MP3 to listen to in the car. Anything that says "luxury," "comfort," or "reward" to you. Do this at least once per day - twice on the 700 mile days.
Encourage people to go out drinking while you stay behind in your room. "People" should include your roommate, obviously (this helped me a lot in college.)
Urge frequent breaks at rest stops. Tell them you're recovering from a bladder infection if you need to give a reason. Then tell them you have restless leg syndrome so you have an excuse to walk around the rest stop for a while. (My sisters and I do this to stay not-evil on road trips - that 5 minutes not in each others' space is tremendously helpful. Stretching and jumping up and down and spending a while criticizing the snack selection and perusing random tourist trap brochures is mandatory for us, but I suppose you can skip it if you think you'll feel silly.)
Depending on where your road trip takes you and how much down time you have (I'm guessing your 700 mile days are starting at 6am, but that may be because I know too many "if you're not on the road by 6:30 you're going to have to skip lunch to catch up" achievement-oriented car trippers,) you may be able to visit libraries into at least the early evening hours - or alternatively, if you're on a slacker road trip, between 9 and 11. Barnes & Nobles are a little bit more crowded, but they're open later and have Starbucks.
This is your chance to visit every random crummy monument, every random college campus, and every peaceful Main Street you come across. Tell them it's for a photography project and you need to commune with your muse. Or just, you know, walk off in that general direction.
Heck, you can get quite a bit of solitude walking from the hotel to the nearest restaurant. The exercise should be slow-paced enough to only help with the insomnia.
Last: odds are, out of 9 people, at least one (probably two or three) are also introverted. Figure out who else wants peace and quiet and hang out with them. In fact, if you can get everyone to agree to make the back row the "quiet zone" in the van, so much the better. This has worked for me even with teenage boys on long church road trips, so I have a feeling it'll work with your band (in part because even extraverts need down time, just not nearly so much.)
posted by SMPA at 4:12 PM on November 29, 2011
The lobby is going to be deserted early in the morning, unless you're in a hotel with business travelers in which case it will be deserted in the mid-morning instead. Whenever it is deserted, go there. 99 times out of 100, your fellow travelers do not want to talk to you, especially in mid-market chain hotels. You can ask the desk clerk to turn the volume off on the TV.
A face mask from a drug store is surprisingly helpful for making yourself feel like you're alone. While you're reading a book you're still getting a lot of visual input from the other humans in your space. Having painkillers, antacids, and something to cool yourself down with readily available is also really nice when you're stressed. Make sure you're as physically comfortable as possible, just in general terms - progressive relaxation exercises may help (and you can do them in bed without a roommate noticing.)
Treat yourself to random nice things. Like, ask for an extra pillow from the folks at the front desk. Get dessert at dinner. Take a long shower. Buy a new album on MP3 to listen to in the car. Anything that says "luxury," "comfort," or "reward" to you. Do this at least once per day - twice on the 700 mile days.
Encourage people to go out drinking while you stay behind in your room. "People" should include your roommate, obviously (this helped me a lot in college.)
Urge frequent breaks at rest stops. Tell them you're recovering from a bladder infection if you need to give a reason. Then tell them you have restless leg syndrome so you have an excuse to walk around the rest stop for a while. (My sisters and I do this to stay not-evil on road trips - that 5 minutes not in each others' space is tremendously helpful. Stretching and jumping up and down and spending a while criticizing the snack selection and perusing random tourist trap brochures is mandatory for us, but I suppose you can skip it if you think you'll feel silly.)
Depending on where your road trip takes you and how much down time you have (I'm guessing your 700 mile days are starting at 6am, but that may be because I know too many "if you're not on the road by 6:30 you're going to have to skip lunch to catch up" achievement-oriented car trippers,) you may be able to visit libraries into at least the early evening hours - or alternatively, if you're on a slacker road trip, between 9 and 11. Barnes & Nobles are a little bit more crowded, but they're open later and have Starbucks.
This is your chance to visit every random crummy monument, every random college campus, and every peaceful Main Street you come across. Tell them it's for a photography project and you need to commune with your muse. Or just, you know, walk off in that general direction.
Heck, you can get quite a bit of solitude walking from the hotel to the nearest restaurant. The exercise should be slow-paced enough to only help with the insomnia.
Last: odds are, out of 9 people, at least one (probably two or three) are also introverted. Figure out who else wants peace and quiet and hang out with them. In fact, if you can get everyone to agree to make the back row the "quiet zone" in the van, so much the better. This has worked for me even with teenage boys on long church road trips, so I have a feeling it'll work with your band (in part because even extraverts need down time, just not nearly so much.)
posted by SMPA at 4:12 PM on November 29, 2011
Best answer: When you are feeling irritated by everything close around you, be aware that by focusing on the irritation you are exacerbating it. When you find yourself becoming irritated, take your mind away into a happy place (alone, all alone). Meditation: it can be done anywhere, anytime even in the loudest most nosiest of places.
posted by Kerasia at 4:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Kerasia at 4:24 PM on November 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
Seconding a room of your own once or twice, a mask and earplugs when you're with roommie, long showers, going to your room earlier than your roommie when possible, taking a walk and sitting in a park or coffee shop/cafe when possible. Also, when you feel overwhelmed remember the tour is not going to last.
posted by shoesietart at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by shoesietart at 5:12 PM on November 29, 2011
not going to last forever.
posted by shoesietart at 5:17 PM on November 29, 2011
posted by shoesietart at 5:17 PM on November 29, 2011
Sounds like the big deal to me would be having 3 to a bench.. even in the big Ford that's fuckin' tight. After 9 hours of that crap, having a bed to stretch out on is going to be a MAJOR blessing.
I see that you're an introvert, but man, having been stuck in situations like that I think the best defense is participation. Bring a deck of cards and play spades or something. Bring a camera and be a chronicler. Devise ways to make the trip memorable...jokey fucked up Animal House/Jack Ass kinda stuff. Of course, you'll want to keep it mild enough to not cause a major catastrophe.
This is going to be a kind of freaky situ, so to survive you're gonna have to be a little freaky. It's totally doable BTW! Just try to make it fun and adventurous. If we had any WWII era MeFites they'd surely let you know how to have fun and make time pass when stuck in a tin can. Good luck and have fun!
(Don't forget supplies like beef jerky. Gotta have supplies!)
posted by snsranch at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2011
I see that you're an introvert, but man, having been stuck in situations like that I think the best defense is participation. Bring a deck of cards and play spades or something. Bring a camera and be a chronicler. Devise ways to make the trip memorable...jokey fucked up Animal House/Jack Ass kinda stuff. Of course, you'll want to keep it mild enough to not cause a major catastrophe.
This is going to be a kind of freaky situ, so to survive you're gonna have to be a little freaky. It's totally doable BTW! Just try to make it fun and adventurous. If we had any WWII era MeFites they'd surely let you know how to have fun and make time pass when stuck in a tin can. Good luck and have fun!
(Don't forget supplies like beef jerky. Gotta have supplies!)
posted by snsranch at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2011
Best answer: Things that help me:
- Bring a laptop with you, loaded with TV shows and films. Watching media while traveling is much more absorbing than reading, ime.
- Bring huge over-the-ear headphones for while on the road to block out ALL noise.
- If you have a data plan you can use to tether your phone (or any kind of mobile data plan), do it. Surfing the internet is super relaxing and destimulating for me.
- nthing the suggestion to plan on renting your own room for a few nights on the trip. Every third night might be enough.
- nthing having at least one "treat" per day: new music, dessert, a long walk, stopping somewhere interesting
- Suggest a lot of rest breaks while on the road, and get away from anyone.
- Bring some Xanax, etc. to calm you down if you have a real panic attack.
- When you get back, celebrate by spending a day alone, in bed, with no one bothering you!
posted by 3491again at 6:34 PM on November 29, 2011
- Bring a laptop with you, loaded with TV shows and films. Watching media while traveling is much more absorbing than reading, ime.
- Bring huge over-the-ear headphones for while on the road to block out ALL noise.
- If you have a data plan you can use to tether your phone (or any kind of mobile data plan), do it. Surfing the internet is super relaxing and destimulating for me.
- nthing the suggestion to plan on renting your own room for a few nights on the trip. Every third night might be enough.
- nthing having at least one "treat" per day: new music, dessert, a long walk, stopping somewhere interesting
- Suggest a lot of rest breaks while on the road, and get away from anyone.
- Bring some Xanax, etc. to calm you down if you have a real panic attack.
- When you get back, celebrate by spending a day alone, in bed, with no one bothering you!
posted by 3491again at 6:34 PM on November 29, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your replies and support. All good ideas (except for me xanax isn't an option due to past tendencies around the drug...).
I do have some sleeping pills (seroquel), but they knock me out for about 10-11 hours, and this insomnia has been so amazingly bad even they don't work all the time (even compounded with Benedryl AND melatonin). I popped one about 20 minutes ago and I plan on being astoundingly groggy for the first couple of hours tomorrow, but that might be a godsend compared to soul-crushing anxiety.
I think that the points about driving more are probably one of the best things I can do. I hadn't thought about it, but driving has always been sort of cathartic to me.
The roommate and I chatted about this, and we are going to try to do every other night separated and split the cost of the extra room.
Sometimes it really helps to have other people explain the things that are pretty obvious when you think about it with a clear head...thank you metafilter.
I'm now going to go breathe and meditate while listening to Boards of Canada.
posted by aloiv2 at 7:59 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
I do have some sleeping pills (seroquel), but they knock me out for about 10-11 hours, and this insomnia has been so amazingly bad even they don't work all the time (even compounded with Benedryl AND melatonin). I popped one about 20 minutes ago and I plan on being astoundingly groggy for the first couple of hours tomorrow, but that might be a godsend compared to soul-crushing anxiety.
I think that the points about driving more are probably one of the best things I can do. I hadn't thought about it, but driving has always been sort of cathartic to me.
The roommate and I chatted about this, and we are going to try to do every other night separated and split the cost of the extra room.
Sometimes it really helps to have other people explain the things that are pretty obvious when you think about it with a clear head...thank you metafilter.
I'm now going to go breathe and meditate while listening to Boards of Canada.
posted by aloiv2 at 7:59 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
When you have to sit in with everyone else I'd suggest wearing sunglasses. I find in crowds that that layer of tinted plastic between me and everyone else really helps me feel like I am in my own personal bubble and helps stop the panic attacks. Try to get to know everyone as fast as possible and make jokes about the closeness etc this will help make them feel less like strangers too. Good conversation can help the traveling pass more quickly too.
Maybe try and go for a little walk by yourself once you get to the new hotel in the evenings, stretch your legs and get some alone time, also walking can help with insomnia. If its too late to do that maybe hit the gym or the pool if your hotels have them. Just 15 minutes on a walking machine zoning out with some nice music can be very calming. I hate exercise and gyms in general but find this a great help when traveling to relax me.
It sounds like you have a great roommate which will help too.
posted by wwax at 9:53 AM on November 30, 2011
Maybe try and go for a little walk by yourself once you get to the new hotel in the evenings, stretch your legs and get some alone time, also walking can help with insomnia. If its too late to do that maybe hit the gym or the pool if your hotels have them. Just 15 minutes on a walking machine zoning out with some nice music can be very calming. I hate exercise and gyms in general but find this a great help when traveling to relax me.
It sounds like you have a great roommate which will help too.
posted by wwax at 9:53 AM on November 30, 2011
Oh, God, I have been in this exact situation. It's tough.
First thing that comes to mind is, do you have friends with guest rooms in any of the cities you'll be passing through? If you can arrange to visit someone at their home for a night and meet back up with your group the next day, it will be such a respite. Sure, you'll have to be around your friend for a bit, but I find one on one to be much less taxing than a large group, and they'll likely understand that you're worn out from the tour and need some time and space to yourself.
If you have down time but people want to socialize, I enjoyed watching movies in the theater. It's dark, and you can't talk. Best if you go to the slowest, quietest movie you can find.
Seconding long baths/showers and laying off the stimulants. Hot herbal tea helps me a lot, though. Basically any of the usual things you do to relax, do them extra.
Good luck, and have as much fun as possible.
posted by zadermatermorts at 10:57 AM on November 30, 2011
First thing that comes to mind is, do you have friends with guest rooms in any of the cities you'll be passing through? If you can arrange to visit someone at their home for a night and meet back up with your group the next day, it will be such a respite. Sure, you'll have to be around your friend for a bit, but I find one on one to be much less taxing than a large group, and they'll likely understand that you're worn out from the tour and need some time and space to yourself.
If you have down time but people want to socialize, I enjoyed watching movies in the theater. It's dark, and you can't talk. Best if you go to the slowest, quietest movie you can find.
Seconding long baths/showers and laying off the stimulants. Hot herbal tea helps me a lot, though. Basically any of the usual things you do to relax, do them extra.
Good luck, and have as much fun as possible.
posted by zadermatermorts at 10:57 AM on November 30, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Breathe. Just. Breathe.
Can you get away, at all, for a walk or fifteen minutes of sitting in the lotus position (you don't have to meditate) or whatever? Also, how about a short course of sleeping pills?
posted by cyndigo at 3:32 PM on November 29, 2011