I am losing everyone
November 16, 2011 11:29 PM Subscribe
TLDR: How can I keep from going off the deep end in light of repeated stressors over a compressed period of time?
Prior to this year, I'd never lost a friend or loved one to death. I am 35.
My elderly father died in March after a sudden illness which kept him on the edge of death for 2 weeks and our hearts on the line as we wondered if he would pull through or not. It was very dramatic, especially so because our relationship was very rocky and dysfunctional and I had to make life and death decisions on his behalf. I pulled away from God in anger for awhile but eventually and predictably recovered after going through the grief process.
Right about the time I was feeling a little like my old self in September my beloved golden retriever of 15 years that hubby and I got when we were first married and so is a part of nearly every married memory we have died in September after a sudden illness (although she was old and we knew she would die within the next year or so likely). Losing her was a bit like losing part of myself and while it took me much less time to 'bounce back' from her death i'm still a bit teary about missing her.
Then last week a classmate died unexpectedly (she's 35 also). I wasn't very close to her but given the death of my father and Jenna this third death stung as well on if nothing else, a philosophical omg can she really be dead, sort of plane.
Then today my older sister, whom I was close to died suddenly in a car accident. I'm pretty much still in shock. And i'm tired. I'm really tired of going through these horrible feelings of anger and sadness and disbelief which I know are all part of the process and I'm feeling like I just want to escape the reality somehow. It's been too much over too soon. But I generally love life other than this death crap and I have no plans or even ideas or desires to commit suicide. I'm sort of a wimp anyway and even if I ever got that depressed I don't think I could do something like that. Anyway I've never done drugs of any kind and don't really see myself escaping that way either- I know what they do to your brain and I don't want that. But the pressure is building and I feel like I am about to crack. I literally wanted to get in the car tonight and just leave everyone and everything behind and drive to Kentucky. Why Kentucky? No idea. I just wanted to escape.
Please recommend some coping strategies that will help me keep back from going off the deep end or escaping reality?
Prior to this year, I'd never lost a friend or loved one to death. I am 35.
My elderly father died in March after a sudden illness which kept him on the edge of death for 2 weeks and our hearts on the line as we wondered if he would pull through or not. It was very dramatic, especially so because our relationship was very rocky and dysfunctional and I had to make life and death decisions on his behalf. I pulled away from God in anger for awhile but eventually and predictably recovered after going through the grief process.
Right about the time I was feeling a little like my old self in September my beloved golden retriever of 15 years that hubby and I got when we were first married and so is a part of nearly every married memory we have died in September after a sudden illness (although she was old and we knew she would die within the next year or so likely). Losing her was a bit like losing part of myself and while it took me much less time to 'bounce back' from her death i'm still a bit teary about missing her.
Then last week a classmate died unexpectedly (she's 35 also). I wasn't very close to her but given the death of my father and Jenna this third death stung as well on if nothing else, a philosophical omg can she really be dead, sort of plane.
Then today my older sister, whom I was close to died suddenly in a car accident. I'm pretty much still in shock. And i'm tired. I'm really tired of going through these horrible feelings of anger and sadness and disbelief which I know are all part of the process and I'm feeling like I just want to escape the reality somehow. It's been too much over too soon. But I generally love life other than this death crap and I have no plans or even ideas or desires to commit suicide. I'm sort of a wimp anyway and even if I ever got that depressed I don't think I could do something like that. Anyway I've never done drugs of any kind and don't really see myself escaping that way either- I know what they do to your brain and I don't want that. But the pressure is building and I feel like I am about to crack. I literally wanted to get in the car tonight and just leave everyone and everything behind and drive to Kentucky. Why Kentucky? No idea. I just wanted to escape.
Please recommend some coping strategies that will help me keep back from going off the deep end or escaping reality?
Also, I'm terribly terribly sorry for your losses. Most particularly your beloved sister, but all of them really. Have some cyber hugs, but seek out some real ones. Calm your overflowing head and have a hug.
posted by taff at 12:24 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by taff at 12:24 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am so, so sorry. I'm not sure what to say except that you're in my thoughts right now, and that you can and will get through this. Try to get regular sleep and meals, so that your body is in the best possible place to support you on a mental and emotional level. Take care of and have compassion for yourself during this time. If that's too difficult, don't be afraid to reach out for help. There's no shame in it.
posted by delight at 1:09 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by delight at 1:09 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
My advice is to go to Kentucky.
Don't go tonight; you're too tired and much too upset to drive right now, and it would be nice to let your friends and family know where you went, so they don't worry. And take your husband, so you have someone to split the driving with; traveling is more fun with a friend, anyway. So tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever you feel like leaving, call in sick to work, pack some sandwiches for the ride, and just get in the car and go. Spend a couple days by the Red River Gorge; take long walks; watch the birds head south. Keep your cell phone off -- whatever anybody wants to call you about can wait a day or two.
Then come home. The rest of the world will still be here (for better or worse), but hopefully you will feel like some of the pressure is off. Escaping for a little while isn't bad. It can be a useful way to decompress and pull your brain back into one piece. You just have to make sure you come back.
posted by Commander Rachek at 1:38 AM on November 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
Don't go tonight; you're too tired and much too upset to drive right now, and it would be nice to let your friends and family know where you went, so they don't worry. And take your husband, so you have someone to split the driving with; traveling is more fun with a friend, anyway. So tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever you feel like leaving, call in sick to work, pack some sandwiches for the ride, and just get in the car and go. Spend a couple days by the Red River Gorge; take long walks; watch the birds head south. Keep your cell phone off -- whatever anybody wants to call you about can wait a day or two.
Then come home. The rest of the world will still be here (for better or worse), but hopefully you will feel like some of the pressure is off. Escaping for a little while isn't bad. It can be a useful way to decompress and pull your brain back into one piece. You just have to make sure you come back.
posted by Commander Rachek at 1:38 AM on November 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
You're right that this is a lot of trauma to experience in a really short period of time. You should really consider seeing a psychologist for this. All this stuff together in a short period of time can cause PTSD I think you should really seek professional assistance. Going to Kentucky might be a good idea if it was just one of those deaths, but this was a bit more then that.
posted by delmoi at 1:44 AM on November 17, 2011
posted by delmoi at 1:44 AM on November 17, 2011
Yes, yes--regular sleep, regular rest. Gather your friends and family close. Mourning is a very real physiological condition. There's a reason religions and cultures have specific practices for situations like you're experiencing, and why we feel untethered without them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength.
posted by vecchio at 2:09 AM on November 17, 2011
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish you strength.
posted by vecchio at 2:09 AM on November 17, 2011
A shrink would be a place to start. They can give you exactly what you asked for here- tools that you can put into service to cope. Call in the morning. Make an emergency appointment. Depending on where you practice your religion- your church might be able to recommend one that is particularly helpful for you personally (though a good shrink is a good shrink whatever.)
This is way too much to deal with on your own. Get your husband and let him know you're about to go over the edge. Get him to update your friends as to where you are at and how they can help.
I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:14 AM on November 17, 2011
This is way too much to deal with on your own. Get your husband and let him know you're about to go over the edge. Get him to update your friends as to where you are at and how they can help.
I am so sorry for your loss.
posted by Blisterlips at 2:14 AM on November 17, 2011
This kind of grief is horrendous, but the accumulation of rapid losses you are talking about would bring anyone to their knees. I think you need to accept that your pain is so very valid, and get some professional grief support. This is too much too close together to deal with.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 AM on November 17, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 2:28 AM on November 17, 2011
Oh God, poor you. Find a family member or a close friend and tell them to come to you.
Right now, you don't have to do anything. Try to sleep. The world will wait for you when you wake up. You probably don't want to eat, but have some tea or something else soothing.
In the longer run, after the immediacies of all this are over, consider seeing a therapist to help you with some grief counselling.
I am very, very sorry.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:37 AM on November 17, 2011
Right now, you don't have to do anything. Try to sleep. The world will wait for you when you wake up. You probably don't want to eat, but have some tea or something else soothing.
In the longer run, after the immediacies of all this are over, consider seeing a therapist to help you with some grief counselling.
I am very, very sorry.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:37 AM on November 17, 2011
I'm so, so sorry about your sister. And about the other deaths.
And I nth the suggestion to see a therapist. I'd recommend sooner rather than later. I had a whole lot of stressors pile up on me at once a few years ago (including family deaths) and I basically wasn't able to dig my way out of it alone. I tried valiantly for a couple of years, but things got harder and harder instead of easier, and I found myself obsessing over the things that had happened, and also getting sad and angry, and entertaining thoughts of fleeing my job, house, town, etc, for no rational reason. Well after I thought I was "over" the immediate problems.
Long story short, therapy helped me carry on until some antidepressants started working, and the drugs put my brain back into neutral so I could have the psychological space to work through the trauma I had suffered the previous years. I suspect that if I had enlisted professional help at the time instead of trying to struggle through alone, I could have recovered quicker, maybe without pharmaceuticals, and I could have not lost two years to a slow slide into depression.
Short answer: take care of yourself, and that means enlisting other people to take care of you too.
posted by lollusc at 3:13 AM on November 17, 2011
And I nth the suggestion to see a therapist. I'd recommend sooner rather than later. I had a whole lot of stressors pile up on me at once a few years ago (including family deaths) and I basically wasn't able to dig my way out of it alone. I tried valiantly for a couple of years, but things got harder and harder instead of easier, and I found myself obsessing over the things that had happened, and also getting sad and angry, and entertaining thoughts of fleeing my job, house, town, etc, for no rational reason. Well after I thought I was "over" the immediate problems.
Long story short, therapy helped me carry on until some antidepressants started working, and the drugs put my brain back into neutral so I could have the psychological space to work through the trauma I had suffered the previous years. I suspect that if I had enlisted professional help at the time instead of trying to struggle through alone, I could have recovered quicker, maybe without pharmaceuticals, and I could have not lost two years to a slow slide into depression.
Short answer: take care of yourself, and that means enlisting other people to take care of you too.
posted by lollusc at 3:13 AM on November 17, 2011
I am so sorry, what an absolutely awful series of things to happen.
I think you're doing something right just by asking the question, because you have people all over the world to tell you that we care that this has happened. You're not alone. Feel free to memail me.
Yes to therapy, yes to leaning on your husband. What about your friends - can you call them and ask them to come and see you? Hell, maybe one of them would even take you to Kentucky or wherever you want to go.
Bottom line, don't hesitate to call in help.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you're doing something right just by asking the question, because you have people all over the world to tell you that we care that this has happened. You're not alone. Feel free to memail me.
Yes to therapy, yes to leaning on your husband. What about your friends - can you call them and ask them to come and see you? Hell, maybe one of them would even take you to Kentucky or wherever you want to go.
Bottom line, don't hesitate to call in help.
posted by tel3path at 3:32 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh God, I'm so sorry for your losses. That's a terrible amount of stuff to go through so suddenly and in so short a time. I think it's an entirely understandable response to want to just go escape, because right now, the situation you're in completely sucks.
I have a couple of suggestions - Give yourself permission to go to pieces. Try to keep your shit together enough to get the basic survival necessities handled, but anything that can be ignored - feel free to ignore it. Try to sleep. Some days, you may not want to do anything but stare at the walls or watch bad tv while curled up in a blanket drinking hot cocoa. If you work and you've got paid time off, you may want to try and use a bunch of it up. Most employers are understanding about someone who's been through this kind of trauma - you'll probably be off your game on the best of days for a while, and that's entirely expected. Lean on your husband.
Personally, I find potentially obsessive distractions incredibly helpful to give my thinking brain something to do while my emotional side is slowly churning through the process of contextualizing that kind of heavy hit. Things like video games that are good at hooking me into distraction. Some people find it useful to do things that help other people in times like this, too.
If you can arrange to drive to Kentucky, you should totally do it if you want. And, yeah, therapy is good stuff, as is talking to friends and finding emotional connections with people around you. If you're religious, see if your place of worship has someone who helps counsel people who've been through things like this - if you find solace in your religion, it might help. If you have friends who have sociable pets, maybe visit them and get quality animal time.
It sucks, but you will eventually survive this - my experience with grief is that you don't get *over* it, but you do get *through* it, if that makes sense. Hang in there, and try to be nice to yourself.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:46 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have a couple of suggestions - Give yourself permission to go to pieces. Try to keep your shit together enough to get the basic survival necessities handled, but anything that can be ignored - feel free to ignore it. Try to sleep. Some days, you may not want to do anything but stare at the walls or watch bad tv while curled up in a blanket drinking hot cocoa. If you work and you've got paid time off, you may want to try and use a bunch of it up. Most employers are understanding about someone who's been through this kind of trauma - you'll probably be off your game on the best of days for a while, and that's entirely expected. Lean on your husband.
Personally, I find potentially obsessive distractions incredibly helpful to give my thinking brain something to do while my emotional side is slowly churning through the process of contextualizing that kind of heavy hit. Things like video games that are good at hooking me into distraction. Some people find it useful to do things that help other people in times like this, too.
If you can arrange to drive to Kentucky, you should totally do it if you want. And, yeah, therapy is good stuff, as is talking to friends and finding emotional connections with people around you. If you're religious, see if your place of worship has someone who helps counsel people who've been through things like this - if you find solace in your religion, it might help. If you have friends who have sociable pets, maybe visit them and get quality animal time.
It sucks, but you will eventually survive this - my experience with grief is that you don't get *over* it, but you do get *through* it, if that makes sense. Hang in there, and try to be nice to yourself.
posted by rmd1023 at 4:46 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've lost a sibling in a solo car accident as an adult and the 24 hours before and after can be replayed in my mind in excruciating detail, and it often does.
I'll be blunt. You are in shock right now. You need to be in a safe place within easy reach of people you trust and love. But you also need a way and space to process what's happened. In my experience, the other deaths you mentioned are coming forward because you're seeking an anchor, other experiences to draw on and you've become more fragile as a result.
Therapy is an option in the future. The next several days are going to be very difficult for you and the rest of your family. No way to avoid it. Damn, I wish there was an easy way to process this shit. Take that drive. Go through important personal rituals. Hug everything. Again, in my experience, those truly close to you will intuit your emotional state and seek to guide you. It's part of being human.
I so regret others have to have these experiences. Know that my thoughts are with you even though we've never met.
posted by michswiss at 5:12 AM on November 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'll be blunt. You are in shock right now. You need to be in a safe place within easy reach of people you trust and love. But you also need a way and space to process what's happened. In my experience, the other deaths you mentioned are coming forward because you're seeking an anchor, other experiences to draw on and you've become more fragile as a result.
Therapy is an option in the future. The next several days are going to be very difficult for you and the rest of your family. No way to avoid it. Damn, I wish there was an easy way to process this shit. Take that drive. Go through important personal rituals. Hug everything. Again, in my experience, those truly close to you will intuit your emotional state and seek to guide you. It's part of being human.
I so regret others have to have these experiences. Know that my thoughts are with you even though we've never met.
posted by michswiss at 5:12 AM on November 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm so terribly sorry for the loss and grief you're going through. As a few others mentioned, it would probably benefit you and your husband to get away from everything for a few days and take a long drive to a relaxing place. Maybe take a long weekend? Also, clearly communicate to your husband what your feelings and needs are right now, so he knows how he can support you.
When I was going through a terrible loss, this is the best advice I received: Take it one month at a time. Get through the first month, and you'll feel a little different. Not necessarily better, but different. Get through the next month; you'll feel a little more different. Get through the next month ... and so on. Eventually the sharpness of the pain will recede, and it won't be constantly in the front of your mind. But you have to realize and accept that it will take a very long time to heal from this sort of loss, and in the meantime you just get through the best you can.
Be gentle with yourself, and take care.
posted by phoenix_rising at 7:44 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
When I was going through a terrible loss, this is the best advice I received: Take it one month at a time. Get through the first month, and you'll feel a little different. Not necessarily better, but different. Get through the next month; you'll feel a little more different. Get through the next month ... and so on. Eventually the sharpness of the pain will recede, and it won't be constantly in the front of your mind. But you have to realize and accept that it will take a very long time to heal from this sort of loss, and in the meantime you just get through the best you can.
Be gentle with yourself, and take care.
posted by phoenix_rising at 7:44 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I did not go to Kentucky (Kentucky??? Why Kentucky?? I was in shock...) but we are already scheduled for a leisure trip to Turkey on Tuesday (we travel frequently) and we are keeping the plans.
Not to threadsit, but thank you - every one of you- I still feel like I am drowning but just reading your kind words helps. I'm going to go distract myself awhile with netflix and then sleep (since I'm too wimpy to escape reality with drugs).
I'm going to drop in on my pastor to talk to him tomorrow too- see if he's got something up his sleeve regarding coping strategies.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 8:14 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not to threadsit, but thank you - every one of you- I still feel like I am drowning but just reading your kind words helps. I'm going to go distract myself awhile with netflix and then sleep (since I'm too wimpy to escape reality with drugs).
I'm going to drop in on my pastor to talk to him tomorrow too- see if he's got something up his sleeve regarding coping strategies.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 8:14 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is it possible to bring a person, not even your husband to Kentucky. While I strongly believe you need to escape and want to be alone to decompress/sort through, I would also say that being 100% alone isn't a good idea. If you can bring someone who would understand the normal reactions/behaviors of wanting to be alone, then not wanting to be alone, possibly flaking out on them...that's what you would need.
If it's your husband, that's great. But I know for me, it would be a friend over my husband just because sometimes having a significant other/partner is just too intense for them and you to handle. Sometimes/often we treat our friends better than our partner and vise versa.
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I wish your heart peace.
posted by stormpooper at 10:12 AM on November 17, 2011
If it's your husband, that's great. But I know for me, it would be a friend over my husband just because sometimes having a significant other/partner is just too intense for them and you to handle. Sometimes/often we treat our friends better than our partner and vise versa.
I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I wish your heart peace.
posted by stormpooper at 10:12 AM on November 17, 2011
I'm so sorry for your losses. That is an awful lot to go through.
Absolutely let yourself go to pieces. If there's a particular time of day you notice yourself on-edge more than other times, try and "schedule" that time and plan around it. This will make that a safe space, both temporally and physically, because you'll be honoring yourself and you'll have the knowledge that no matter how much you break down while in it, there's a before and an after. This is part of how I got through some very bad times too – plus as others have said, sleep, eating well (three meals a day, even if they're small/you don't have much appetite), and drinking plenty of water (esp. as opposed to even fruit juice, not just alcohol).
Why Kentucky?
I think you should explore this symbolically (bear with me) – what does Kentucky bring to mind for you, spontaneously? I could give my own associations, because I was such a gosh-dang horse fan as a kid, but they mostly revolve around rolling hills, blue grass (always wanted to see what that looked like IRL), and dashing thoroughbreds grazing on it. What emotions do your imagery bring up? Those will be the key. (For instance, for me there's a sense of natural peace, that calm you get when breathing fresh air in the outdoors, and so forth.) Is there a way you could find those associations in your current life? A nearby park or forest, that sort of thing. Since it came to you so spontaneously and immediately, it's likely because it relates deeply to something you need that could help you find a little footing during this wrenching time.
posted by fraula at 12:04 PM on November 17, 2011
Absolutely let yourself go to pieces. If there's a particular time of day you notice yourself on-edge more than other times, try and "schedule" that time and plan around it. This will make that a safe space, both temporally and physically, because you'll be honoring yourself and you'll have the knowledge that no matter how much you break down while in it, there's a before and an after. This is part of how I got through some very bad times too – plus as others have said, sleep, eating well (three meals a day, even if they're small/you don't have much appetite), and drinking plenty of water (esp. as opposed to even fruit juice, not just alcohol).
Why Kentucky?
I think you should explore this symbolically (bear with me) – what does Kentucky bring to mind for you, spontaneously? I could give my own associations, because I was such a gosh-dang horse fan as a kid, but they mostly revolve around rolling hills, blue grass (always wanted to see what that looked like IRL), and dashing thoroughbreds grazing on it. What emotions do your imagery bring up? Those will be the key. (For instance, for me there's a sense of natural peace, that calm you get when breathing fresh air in the outdoors, and so forth.) Is there a way you could find those associations in your current life? A nearby park or forest, that sort of thing. Since it came to you so spontaneously and immediately, it's likely because it relates deeply to something you need that could help you find a little footing during this wrenching time.
posted by fraula at 12:04 PM on November 17, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by taff at 12:22 AM on November 17, 2011 [1 favorite]