I'll pass on that role in the Days of Wine and Roses, thanks ever so
November 6, 2011 4:43 AM Subscribe
My mother is an alcoholic. It has become painfully evident that I need to set clear boundaries with her. How do I do this without hurting my siblings?
Background: Both my parents are alcoholics. My father has been an alcoholic for as far back as I can remember. My mother is an enabler. She drinks because my father drinks. My mother is also on several medications in which alcohol is contraindicated and I suspect that the combination of alcohol plus prescription medications is causing her to blackout. This is creating problems.
Over the years I have developed coping mechanisms to deal with this. I try not to talk to either of them after 7pm. I don't visit them often, because they make me so uncomfortable. I don't drink more than a glass of wine in front of them. I don't serve them alcohol when they visit my home. I never leave Toddler theBRKP with them unsupervised. I do a lot of my communication with them via email. I've even gone as far as to tell my spouse that he cannot give my father a (really cool) draft beer glass as a Christmas gift. Yes, I am aware that these are activities of an individual who is operating on some level of denial.
Over the past several years my mother has claimed that 1) I have not told her information which I thought I had passed on to her and 2) She has told me things that I do not remember hearing from her. Because Toddler theBRKP keeps me busy, and (until very recently) my brain has been mush from a lack of sleep, I gave my mother the benefit of the doubt that the problem was me. This has lead to some highly unpleasant conversations with my mother, all of which share the theme that I am the asshole.
This past Saturday my parents were supposed to come to visit us for a few hours. This visit was set up via a phone call earlier this week. A phone call in which it was evident that my mother was not sober. When the hour of their arrival passed, I called them to see where they were. My mother claimed no knowledge of this pre-arranged visit, saying "You didn't respond to the email". I replied that I we had a phone conversation earlier in the week. Long silence, then she asked if we were available for dinner (we were not). No acknowledgment that she had forgotten, no apology. In fact, I am certain that if I attempted to address the incident, she would flat out claim that I was lying about the phone call.
I am all at once heartbroken, relieved to discover that I am not the asshole after all and absolutely furious that I have allowed my mother to effectively gaslight me for the past several years. And I am at a total loss as to what to do about it. Mr. theBRKP thinks that I need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with my parents, in which I clearly spell out how I will respond to their behavior going forward, consequences of such conversation be damned. I actually agree with him that it is time to have this conversation. I don't believe I am capable of doing so in a rational, reasonable manner.
To make matters worse, we are scheduled to see my entire family this weekend at my brother's to celebrate an early Thanksgiving. I can not have this conversation with them then, as some of my brother's in-laws will also be at dinner and I refuse to be the girl who drags outsiders into this drama. I can not skip this dinner. My brother is a reservist on his third deployment in ten years and will not have leave at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Short term, how do I cope with this weekend?
Long term, how do I address this issue with my parents without creating more drama and hurting my brothers?
Background: Both my parents are alcoholics. My father has been an alcoholic for as far back as I can remember. My mother is an enabler. She drinks because my father drinks. My mother is also on several medications in which alcohol is contraindicated and I suspect that the combination of alcohol plus prescription medications is causing her to blackout. This is creating problems.
Over the years I have developed coping mechanisms to deal with this. I try not to talk to either of them after 7pm. I don't visit them often, because they make me so uncomfortable. I don't drink more than a glass of wine in front of them. I don't serve them alcohol when they visit my home. I never leave Toddler theBRKP with them unsupervised. I do a lot of my communication with them via email. I've even gone as far as to tell my spouse that he cannot give my father a (really cool) draft beer glass as a Christmas gift. Yes, I am aware that these are activities of an individual who is operating on some level of denial.
Over the past several years my mother has claimed that 1) I have not told her information which I thought I had passed on to her and 2) She has told me things that I do not remember hearing from her. Because Toddler theBRKP keeps me busy, and (until very recently) my brain has been mush from a lack of sleep, I gave my mother the benefit of the doubt that the problem was me. This has lead to some highly unpleasant conversations with my mother, all of which share the theme that I am the asshole.
This past Saturday my parents were supposed to come to visit us for a few hours. This visit was set up via a phone call earlier this week. A phone call in which it was evident that my mother was not sober. When the hour of their arrival passed, I called them to see where they were. My mother claimed no knowledge of this pre-arranged visit, saying "You didn't respond to the email". I replied that I we had a phone conversation earlier in the week. Long silence, then she asked if we were available for dinner (we were not). No acknowledgment that she had forgotten, no apology. In fact, I am certain that if I attempted to address the incident, she would flat out claim that I was lying about the phone call.
I am all at once heartbroken, relieved to discover that I am not the asshole after all and absolutely furious that I have allowed my mother to effectively gaslight me for the past several years. And I am at a total loss as to what to do about it. Mr. theBRKP thinks that I need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation with my parents, in which I clearly spell out how I will respond to their behavior going forward, consequences of such conversation be damned. I actually agree with him that it is time to have this conversation. I don't believe I am capable of doing so in a rational, reasonable manner.
To make matters worse, we are scheduled to see my entire family this weekend at my brother's to celebrate an early Thanksgiving. I can not have this conversation with them then, as some of my brother's in-laws will also be at dinner and I refuse to be the girl who drags outsiders into this drama. I can not skip this dinner. My brother is a reservist on his third deployment in ten years and will not have leave at Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Short term, how do I cope with this weekend?
Long term, how do I address this issue with my parents without creating more drama and hurting my brothers?
My father is an alcoholic- and all this pussyfooting around reminds me pretty strongly of how I dealt with it with my brothers for most of our lives.
There is no one right answer for how to handle all this. It's really going to boil down to what you want- for a relationship with your parents, for your toddler, for your brothers. My brothers and I all have very different approaches. I told my brothers a long time ago that while I love my dad and respect him, his pickled brain makes it impossible for him to understand that what he does can hurt people. That means we follow similar rules to what you have- no calls after 8, stuff like that.
My brothers need to know these things. My Father does not. he really cannot understand that the broken promises and all the other stuff is hurting us. 35+ years of serious drinking is not going to stop because his adult daughter and sons are effin' sick of it (again). What I want from him is what he can give. He loves us. He can tell us how to fix a leaky toilet. He can tell me how he's proud of me and my brothers.
Figure out what you need, what you can get, and what your family needs to know. Sorry that you have to deal with this. I probably would skip talking about it at thanksgiving, but give a call to my brothers beforehand so that they know why I'm a little wonky.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:22 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
There is no one right answer for how to handle all this. It's really going to boil down to what you want- for a relationship with your parents, for your toddler, for your brothers. My brothers and I all have very different approaches. I told my brothers a long time ago that while I love my dad and respect him, his pickled brain makes it impossible for him to understand that what he does can hurt people. That means we follow similar rules to what you have- no calls after 8, stuff like that.
My brothers need to know these things. My Father does not. he really cannot understand that the broken promises and all the other stuff is hurting us. 35+ years of serious drinking is not going to stop because his adult daughter and sons are effin' sick of it (again). What I want from him is what he can give. He loves us. He can tell us how to fix a leaky toilet. He can tell me how he's proud of me and my brothers.
Figure out what you need, what you can get, and what your family needs to know. Sorry that you have to deal with this. I probably would skip talking about it at thanksgiving, but give a call to my brothers beforehand so that they know why I'm a little wonky.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:22 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "She drinks because my father drinks."
No. She drinks because she's an alcoholic.
First, big hug to you.
Second, no, you aren't an asshole. Good for you for already setting some rules about how you interact with your parents. To me, all those things you listed are coping mechanisms, yes, but they're also boundaries. You don't have to spell them out to your parents to make them "clear" - the clarity is only important for your small family unit (you, your husband, Toddler).
Third, start going to Al-Anon. There people in those groups who have lots of experience with having to set boundaries and dealing with alcoholic family members. You don't have to have the "come to Jesus" conversation tomorrow, and you certainly don't have to have it at the early Thanksgiving dinner.
As for this weekend : pleasant face on, deflect-deflect-deflect. Your mom might say "You didn't tell me abc!!!" You: "Really? I thought I had. Anyway, what do you think about xyz?" If people start getting drunk, you can cut the visit short - use any excuse necessary, but keep the drama to a minimum.
Long term : take your time to decide what you want to do. Are you talking about creating drama for underage siblings who live at home, or adults? If it's the latter, they're already well aware of the situation, and they've been enduring mountains of drama for years, same as you. There's a difference between healthy drama and the day to day hellacious drama of living with an alcoholic.
Having said that, I understand what you're going through - my mom is an alcoholic too. I once had a 'come to Jesus" talk with her, and of course after all the crying and a few months of abstinence, she was right back to it. The "talk" is really only good for you, because you have the chance to tell the person how you feel, that you care about them, and that you'd like them to get help. If your husband thinks that the talk will result in some big turnaround - well, let's just say that it's very important that he should also be attending these al-anon meetings with you.
posted by HopperFan at 5:28 AM on November 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
No. She drinks because she's an alcoholic.
First, big hug to you.
Second, no, you aren't an asshole. Good for you for already setting some rules about how you interact with your parents. To me, all those things you listed are coping mechanisms, yes, but they're also boundaries. You don't have to spell them out to your parents to make them "clear" - the clarity is only important for your small family unit (you, your husband, Toddler).
Third, start going to Al-Anon. There people in those groups who have lots of experience with having to set boundaries and dealing with alcoholic family members. You don't have to have the "come to Jesus" conversation tomorrow, and you certainly don't have to have it at the early Thanksgiving dinner.
As for this weekend : pleasant face on, deflect-deflect-deflect. Your mom might say "You didn't tell me abc!!!" You: "Really? I thought I had. Anyway, what do you think about xyz?" If people start getting drunk, you can cut the visit short - use any excuse necessary, but keep the drama to a minimum.
Long term : take your time to decide what you want to do. Are you talking about creating drama for underage siblings who live at home, or adults? If it's the latter, they're already well aware of the situation, and they've been enduring mountains of drama for years, same as you. There's a difference between healthy drama and the day to day hellacious drama of living with an alcoholic.
Having said that, I understand what you're going through - my mom is an alcoholic too. I once had a 'come to Jesus" talk with her, and of course after all the crying and a few months of abstinence, she was right back to it. The "talk" is really only good for you, because you have the chance to tell the person how you feel, that you care about them, and that you'd like them to get help. If your husband thinks that the talk will result in some big turnaround - well, let's just say that it's very important that he should also be attending these al-anon meetings with you.
posted by HopperFan at 5:28 AM on November 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
I'm a sober alcoholic. It pains me to hear stories like this. Not least, because it reminds me of my own behavior in the past. Have you considered a program such as Al-Anon for yourself? They focus on "loving detachment" and the stories you'd hear should you go would most certainly show you that you are certainly not the "asshole", that you are dealing with people suffering from an illness and that nothing is going to do anything about their alcoholism until they absolutely want to change for themselves. On preview also everything HopperFan said. Good luck.
posted by h0p3y at 5:41 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by h0p3y at 5:41 AM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yes - Al-Anon is a good start. There are more options than confrontation.
posted by k8t at 5:53 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by k8t at 5:53 AM on November 6, 2011
Hi. I'm Ms. Moonlight, female, age 29, the daughter of two alcoholics. Father is still struggling, mother stopped years ago.
When I was about 16/17, my mother got out of control. It was summer. I decided to visit Aunt Moonlight. I stayed far beyond my normal time. She came to get me -- drunk, beat up from her boyfriend, irritable and tired.
I told her this: "I am moving in with Aunt Moonlight until you clean yourself up in rehab. If need be, I will change my address and go to Cousin Moonlight's school and stay with Great Aunt Moonlight until you do so. The end."
She made a few half hearted attempts to call me to get me to go back home, then gave up, went to rehab, and stopped entirely.
What I'm saying is that you need to give your parents an ultimatum. "Mom, dad, I know you are alcoholics. You need help. You are unable to remember things and cannot keep promises. I want ToddlerBigRedKittyPurrs to have a relationship with her grandparents, but not as you are now. Until you can clean yourself up, there is no point in us having a relationship or contacting each other."
I didn't attend any groups or anything, but I don't see it as being a bad idea.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 5:55 AM on November 6, 2011
When I was about 16/17, my mother got out of control. It was summer. I decided to visit Aunt Moonlight. I stayed far beyond my normal time. She came to get me -- drunk, beat up from her boyfriend, irritable and tired.
I told her this: "I am moving in with Aunt Moonlight until you clean yourself up in rehab. If need be, I will change my address and go to Cousin Moonlight's school and stay with Great Aunt Moonlight until you do so. The end."
She made a few half hearted attempts to call me to get me to go back home, then gave up, went to rehab, and stopped entirely.
What I'm saying is that you need to give your parents an ultimatum. "Mom, dad, I know you are alcoholics. You need help. You are unable to remember things and cannot keep promises. I want ToddlerBigRedKittyPurrs to have a relationship with her grandparents, but not as you are now. Until you can clean yourself up, there is no point in us having a relationship or contacting each other."
I didn't attend any groups or anything, but I don't see it as being a bad idea.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 5:55 AM on November 6, 2011
So sorry for this.
I will agree with others who suggest a "come to Jesus" type confrontation might not be the best -- you'll be coming to Jesus with a couple of bottles of wine, not your folks right now.
But a clear statement of boundaries (no late calls, visits with my child only at my house, etc.) and sticking to them seems key. Just be prepared for an irritated "you're an asshole" reaction from them. (You're not one.) I don't know how much into detail you need to go here -- it will mostly be for your own sake, regardless. It doesn't sound like the odds of them remembering the conversation are too great anyway. Their "learning" will happen when you do it.
I would avoid confrontations at big family events -- get through the weekend stuff and then lay down the boundaries.
posted by pantarei70 at 6:07 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I will agree with others who suggest a "come to Jesus" type confrontation might not be the best -- you'll be coming to Jesus with a couple of bottles of wine, not your folks right now.
But a clear statement of boundaries (no late calls, visits with my child only at my house, etc.) and sticking to them seems key. Just be prepared for an irritated "you're an asshole" reaction from them. (You're not one.) I don't know how much into detail you need to go here -- it will mostly be for your own sake, regardless. It doesn't sound like the odds of them remembering the conversation are too great anyway. Their "learning" will happen when you do it.
I would avoid confrontations at big family events -- get through the weekend stuff and then lay down the boundaries.
posted by pantarei70 at 6:07 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: First, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, theBRKP. You deserve better.
I want to second all the people saying, don't have the big confrontational conversation with your parents. It probably won't get you what you need, and then it will be difficult for everyone, including you. You can set your boundaries without having a big confrontation.
Of course, that's not how I did it. I didn't have alcoholism in my family, but there was a lot of simmering abuse (mostly emotional) and dysfunction that came to a head a while ago.
After the dust settled I tried, and I tried, and I tried to have the "come to jesus" conversation with my dad. It never worked, because I found what I was trying to do was to make him understand how he was wrong and I was right, that I needed him to validate the boundaries that I was imposing in my anger. He wouldn't do that. He wasn't in a place where he could do that. For eight years (and counting).
The big confrontation is dramatic, and it works in movies and plays sometimes, but I don't think it will get you what you want or need. They aren't going to suddenly realize and change their ways. They aren't going to say they are sorry, at least not without sarcasm and passive-aggression. You can set boundaries quietly, politely, and firmly. There are a lot of resources for this. My therapist loaned me this book which I thought was helpful. It seemed simple, but maybe boundaries are simple.
I also want to address something about your brother. I don't know what your relationship is to him, or whether you've spoken to him about your parents before and how it went. From what you wrote, it seems like you want to shield him from this stuff because he's a reservist and this is his makeshift Thanksgiving / Christmas at home before he ships out. If that is the only reason not to talk to your brother about it, I think you should consider having a calm, private conversation in which you tell him that you're concerned about Mom & Dad's drinking, and here's how you think it is affecting them. It's at least somewhat likely that she's been gaslighting him as well, and this may help him deal with his stuff. It's at least somewhat likely that you will feel some closure and relief just by getting your stuff out into the open. It is also possible that your brother will take your concerns right to your parents. You are the only one who can judge your comfort and trust level with him.
I say this because, when all my parents' stuff hit the fan, I didn't share some of the secrets that I knew with my siblings, and I feel like I should have. Instead, we all bore our own burdens alone. My brother was just shipping out to basic training when this happened, but to this day I feel a little like I was manipulating him by not telling him what was going on.
You are right not to want to drag his in-laws into the drama.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Dealing with this has got to be hard, and I am sorry that you have to go through it. I'm glad you asked for help.
posted by gauche at 7:54 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to second all the people saying, don't have the big confrontational conversation with your parents. It probably won't get you what you need, and then it will be difficult for everyone, including you. You can set your boundaries without having a big confrontation.
Of course, that's not how I did it. I didn't have alcoholism in my family, but there was a lot of simmering abuse (mostly emotional) and dysfunction that came to a head a while ago.
After the dust settled I tried, and I tried, and I tried to have the "come to jesus" conversation with my dad. It never worked, because I found what I was trying to do was to make him understand how he was wrong and I was right, that I needed him to validate the boundaries that I was imposing in my anger. He wouldn't do that. He wasn't in a place where he could do that. For eight years (and counting).
The big confrontation is dramatic, and it works in movies and plays sometimes, but I don't think it will get you what you want or need. They aren't going to suddenly realize and change their ways. They aren't going to say they are sorry, at least not without sarcasm and passive-aggression. You can set boundaries quietly, politely, and firmly. There are a lot of resources for this. My therapist loaned me this book which I thought was helpful. It seemed simple, but maybe boundaries are simple.
I also want to address something about your brother. I don't know what your relationship is to him, or whether you've spoken to him about your parents before and how it went. From what you wrote, it seems like you want to shield him from this stuff because he's a reservist and this is his makeshift Thanksgiving / Christmas at home before he ships out. If that is the only reason not to talk to your brother about it, I think you should consider having a calm, private conversation in which you tell him that you're concerned about Mom & Dad's drinking, and here's how you think it is affecting them. It's at least somewhat likely that she's been gaslighting him as well, and this may help him deal with his stuff. It's at least somewhat likely that you will feel some closure and relief just by getting your stuff out into the open. It is also possible that your brother will take your concerns right to your parents. You are the only one who can judge your comfort and trust level with him.
I say this because, when all my parents' stuff hit the fan, I didn't share some of the secrets that I knew with my siblings, and I feel like I should have. Instead, we all bore our own burdens alone. My brother was just shipping out to basic training when this happened, but to this day I feel a little like I was manipulating him by not telling him what was going on.
You are right not to want to drag his in-laws into the drama.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Dealing with this has got to be hard, and I am sorry that you have to go through it. I'm glad you asked for help.
posted by gauche at 7:54 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am aware that these are activities of an individual who is operating on some level of denial.
This has lead to some highly unpleasant conversations with my mother, all of which share the theme that I am the asshole.
What you will probably come to, as many of us have, is that your story while so painful and personal to you is so sadly typical for people with alcoholic parents. The "I guess I'm the asshole" the trying to set boundaries that get trampled over, the clueless tare when you try to talk about anything of substance, or try to get an apology or even an understanding for apalling behavior. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it.
That said, just keep on keeping on with the boundaries. You owe no one an explanation. There is no point in a "come to jesus" conversation with anyone, it won't help and you'll just feel terrible that you had this "This is deeply hurting me" conversation parent that was basically ignored. Because it will be ignored. Because your drunk parents are the same as everyone else's drunk parents. And addiction means they "care" about their substance abuse more than you. I am sorry.
So, make this weekend into the Last Goddamned Time You Put Up with This Shit, and spend a little bit of time emotionally saying goodbye to the idea of your parents as people who you look up to or even that you have to take care of. Change your mental locks, so to speak. Go to Al-Anon with your husband if he'll go [having support is great, realizing you didn't marry your parents is great, having your own family where you can not repeat bad patterns is great] circle the wagons and decide you're only going to communicate with/interact with your parents on 100% your terms and they can take it or leave it. Watch your siblings for signs of alcohol dependency and try to help them not make the same mistakes as your folks. Be a good friend and sibling to them because you know they're not getting support and decency from your parents. If you want to have an "I am concerned about your health" conversation with your mother, feel free, but don't expect it to change anything.
My alcoholic father died this year after a valiant 50 year substance abuse problem that he never once even indicated he was concerned about and I have real mixed feelings about it. We had what I would consider a good relationship but it was mostly because I had an "I will go this far and no further" relationship with him. No phone calls after 5. Would only visit with him until he started drinking. Would not lie to people and say he was "sick" when he was drunk. Did not treat his drinking problem as my family's secret shame. I feel like you have to be right with yourself and your chosen family about this stuff and make some plans and decisions about how to deal with your parents' addiction from that point. You are not the asshole.
posted by jessamyn at 9:25 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
This has lead to some highly unpleasant conversations with my mother, all of which share the theme that I am the asshole.
What you will probably come to, as many of us have, is that your story while so painful and personal to you is so sadly typical for people with alcoholic parents. The "I guess I'm the asshole" the trying to set boundaries that get trampled over, the clueless tare when you try to talk about anything of substance, or try to get an apology or even an understanding for apalling behavior. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it.
That said, just keep on keeping on with the boundaries. You owe no one an explanation. There is no point in a "come to jesus" conversation with anyone, it won't help and you'll just feel terrible that you had this "This is deeply hurting me" conversation parent that was basically ignored. Because it will be ignored. Because your drunk parents are the same as everyone else's drunk parents. And addiction means they "care" about their substance abuse more than you. I am sorry.
So, make this weekend into the Last Goddamned Time You Put Up with This Shit, and spend a little bit of time emotionally saying goodbye to the idea of your parents as people who you look up to or even that you have to take care of. Change your mental locks, so to speak. Go to Al-Anon with your husband if he'll go [having support is great, realizing you didn't marry your parents is great, having your own family where you can not repeat bad patterns is great] circle the wagons and decide you're only going to communicate with/interact with your parents on 100% your terms and they can take it or leave it. Watch your siblings for signs of alcohol dependency and try to help them not make the same mistakes as your folks. Be a good friend and sibling to them because you know they're not getting support and decency from your parents. If you want to have an "I am concerned about your health" conversation with your mother, feel free, but don't expect it to change anything.
My alcoholic father died this year after a valiant 50 year substance abuse problem that he never once even indicated he was concerned about and I have real mixed feelings about it. We had what I would consider a good relationship but it was mostly because I had an "I will go this far and no further" relationship with him. No phone calls after 5. Would only visit with him until he started drinking. Would not lie to people and say he was "sick" when he was drunk. Did not treat his drinking problem as my family's secret shame. I feel like you have to be right with yourself and your chosen family about this stuff and make some plans and decisions about how to deal with your parents' addiction from that point. You are not the asshole.
posted by jessamyn at 9:25 AM on November 6, 2011 [6 favorites]
You cannot change their behavior. You already know this and are dealing with it really well. It's painful that your parents consistently choose alcohol over you. They have a disease that is a mixture of addiction and choice. I recommend stepping up some of your techniques. Back up any plans with email. Be pro-active; make morning plans instead of evening plans. Stop taking responsibility for their actions.
If you think it might possibly help, tell Mom and Dad that their drinking worries you; it affects their health and their ability to have healthy relationships. That's a conversation that's best held without anger, and maybe with a therapist.
I'm one of a number of siblings. I distanced myself emotionally and geographically from my alcoholic, bi-polar, manipulative mother, and got a lot of flack from several siblings. Over time,we all understood her to be an alcoholic, with mental illness, and a couple of them had angry confrontations with her about her drinking. Those confrontations did not change her behavior. Her behavior changed when several of her children refused to be manipulated or accept alcoholic bad behavior. Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings helped, therapy helped.
Alcohol is not an excuse, but you can tell yourself that Mom and Dad have a disease, and that the disease interferes with ability to be loving parents. It took me years to have a relationship with my Mom, and it wasn't the Mother-Daughter relationship I wanted, but it was healthier than the manipulative, false, hurtful relationship of my teens. It was all she could give, and that's all you can ask.
posted by theora55 at 11:18 AM on November 6, 2011
If you think it might possibly help, tell Mom and Dad that their drinking worries you; it affects their health and their ability to have healthy relationships. That's a conversation that's best held without anger, and maybe with a therapist.
I'm one of a number of siblings. I distanced myself emotionally and geographically from my alcoholic, bi-polar, manipulative mother, and got a lot of flack from several siblings. Over time,we all understood her to be an alcoholic, with mental illness, and a couple of them had angry confrontations with her about her drinking. Those confrontations did not change her behavior. Her behavior changed when several of her children refused to be manipulated or accept alcoholic bad behavior. Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings helped, therapy helped.
Alcohol is not an excuse, but you can tell yourself that Mom and Dad have a disease, and that the disease interferes with ability to be loving parents. It took me years to have a relationship with my Mom, and it wasn't the Mother-Daughter relationship I wanted, but it was healthier than the manipulative, false, hurtful relationship of my teens. It was all she could give, and that's all you can ask.
posted by theora55 at 11:18 AM on November 6, 2011
Al-Anon really, really does help. If you can't get to a meeting in your area, the literature is really good, and although I don't have any experience with them, there are online groups as well.
Confrontations don't help. Arguing and/or trying to reason with them doesn't help. Attempting to control or influence their behavior does not help.
For your immediate issue, the family dinner - go, be nice, be civil, be there for the family members that you want to see. Leave if things get weird or uncomfortable. Do not engage in drama. Bite your tongue if necessary. I've used this strategy and it does work.
I am sorry you are going through this. Best wishes to you.
posted by lawhound at 3:12 PM on November 6, 2011
Confrontations don't help. Arguing and/or trying to reason with them doesn't help. Attempting to control or influence their behavior does not help.
For your immediate issue, the family dinner - go, be nice, be civil, be there for the family members that you want to see. Leave if things get weird or uncomfortable. Do not engage in drama. Bite your tongue if necessary. I've used this strategy and it does work.
I am sorry you are going through this. Best wishes to you.
posted by lawhound at 3:12 PM on November 6, 2011
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posted by elle.jeezy at 5:13 AM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]