Need help roasting my husband on his 40th
October 26, 2011 9:26 AM   Subscribe

Looking for insults and jokes for my husbands 40th birthday party. It is a roast. He is a metrosexual, known for wearing pink. He plays golf and is known to get a little angry if he doesn't play well. He also loves poker and again gets angry if he loses. He thinks he has a big head, not conceited, but a physically big head. He comes across as arrogant but he really isn't if you get to know him. Jokes need to be relatively clean ie pg-13. Thanks

He is a little bit of a hypochondriac and always checks to make sure anything he eats hasn't been tampered with.

He did stand up comedy in college and won contests.

He is a harmless flirt and very charming with the ladies.
posted by Robtri93 to Writing & Language (23 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
is he fair skinned? You could do a "He golfs so much he's nearly the color of his shirts" riff.
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on October 26, 2011


You should probably start here.
posted by saladin at 9:47 AM on October 26, 2011


Step 1: Wear pink. Everything, pink. Bra, underwear, shoes, dress -- as low-cut as you can manage -- earrings, necklace, LIPSTICK YES PINK LIPSTICK, nail polish. Borrow these things from friends if you don't have enough. Lament the fact that you didn't have enough time to arrange to buy him a deck of marked cards for him to play poker, then present him with a manicure set or something in consolation.

But above all, wear pink.
posted by Heretical at 10:00 AM on October 26, 2011


I think the giant head is the best way to go. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that literally all your jokes should pertain to the size of his head.

My friend: tell us more about your husband's head. Is it exceedingly ROUND, like a basketball? Or is it LONG, like a horse-head? Or is it SOME OTHER SHAPE. Tell us, in as much detail as you can, about the dimensions of your beloved's head.
posted by Greg Nog at 10:01 AM on October 26, 2011 [10 favorites]


I'm with Greg Nog, your husband sounds pretty hilarious already but the massive head is a wonderful thing to zero in on. Does it change color when he's upset over missing a putt? Does it then clash with his pink shirt? Is he a big man with a big head or a small man with a big head? Is his giant head bald?
posted by villanelles at dawn at 10:09 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dresses like Ricky Fowler, putts like Benny Hill.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:16 AM on October 26, 2011


Everybody at the roast should wear teeny tiny hats, to better show the enormity of his head.
posted by xingcat at 10:20 AM on October 26, 2011 [14 favorites]


"Now, you don't know him like I do. But my husband is a brave man. In fact, I'd say that his balls are the only thing bigger than his head.

I kid him about his head, but when we were in New York one year for Thanksgivng, they filled him with helium because they thought he was the Barbie balloon.

Well, you can understand the confusion. He loves to wear pink. In fact, he loves wearing it so much that I've just been told pencil erasers will soon be called in his honor."
posted by inturnaround at 10:21 AM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Some Ideas
posted by Oktober at 10:28 AM on October 26, 2011


Get a lot of teeny, tiny PINK hats, I think xingcat meant.
posted by pjaust at 10:33 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


the problem with these amateur roasts is that even if they manage to write something funny people usually botch the delivery. Keep the jokes as simple as possible, in fact just go buy yourself an old corny joke book from the 50's that is filled with golf/poker jokes and deliver them with the the kind of confidence portrayed by Norm MacDonald in this roast appearance.
posted by any major dude at 10:37 AM on October 26, 2011


"Hi, sorry, I just wanted to ask you all to refrain from saying anything about my husband's head. He seems to think it's unusually large, but it's actually a completely normal size. So if we could just declare that area 'off limits'? Just imagine there's three to four hundred feet of police tape stretched around the perimeter of his head, okay?

It's really not a large head at all, and if any of you bothered to take the ten minutes to walk around to the back of it, you'd see that it looks normal-sized from all angles.

My husband's head is COMPLETELY within the range of 'average'. So let's not have any crude jokes about him looking like a Tootsie Pop, or like an office printer/scanner combo set on top of a flagpole, okay? None of this 'his head is the Biggie Smalls to his torso's Tupac', because that's SIMPLY NOT TRUE.

MY HUSBAND'S HEAD IS NOT FREAKISHLY HUGE. It does not look like Georges Méliès would aim a spaceship at his eye, nor does it look like it should conveying Cinderella to the ball with four white horses in front of it. It should not precipitate jokes like, (husband's name) walked into a bar looking a little sad, and the bartender said, 'Why the INSANELY GARGANTUAN head?'

So, if it's okay with everyone, let's have NOTHING revolving around his head, besides whatever small moons or asteroids naturally get drawn into its gravitational well. Okay? Thanks."
posted by Greg Nog at 10:38 AM on October 26, 2011 [37 favorites]


He is a metrosexual, known for wearing pink. He plays golf and is known to get a little angry if he doesn't play well. He also loves poker and again gets angry if he loses. He thinks he has a big head, not conceited, but a physically big head. He comes across as arrogant but he really isn't if you get to know him.

It sounds like you need to make a video montage of every fratboy villain in every movie ever. Or at least joke about that. Ask him if his feelings were hurt when Lane Meyer beat him in the race down the K12. Or when his fraternity lost the Little 500 to that team of Cutters. Basically, point out that it must be really hard living your whole life knowing that the lovable hipster underdog will always eventually get the girl and beat you in the big competition. I mean, Cobra Kai definitely has appeal initially, but when you're the hot-headed, pink-shirt-wearing, arrogant golfer, you're eventually going to figure out that it's Bill Murray's movie, not yours.

(BTW, I don't doubt that he's actually a great person. But it's a roast. If you're roasting a guy who is a big-headed, arrogant, pink shirt wearing man who tends to get pissed off while playing golf and poker, you've got to play the "you're the bad guy from an '80s teen movie" angle.)
posted by The World Famous at 10:51 AM on October 26, 2011 [3 favorites]


Hubby's head is so big, every time he steps into the sunlight there's a solar eclipse.
Hubby's head is so big, his passport picture takes up two pages.
Hubby's head is so big, his shoulders have flying buttresses.
Hubby's head is so big, it's occupying Wall Street even when he's standing in [your city].
Hubby's head is so big, he has to bend down when the International Space Station passes by.
If having a big head were an Olympic event, hubby would be captain of the Dream Team.
Hubby's head is so big, his barbershop appointments last a week.
Hubby's head is so big that that when he went swimming, Spain claimed it for the New World.
Hubby's head is so big, he tripped on 1st Street and bruised his forehead on 7th.
Hubby's head is so big, when he steps in a puddle there's a high tide.
Hubby's head is so big, he fell into the Grand Canyon... and got stuck!
Hubby's head is so big, his ears are in two different zip codes.
Hubby's head is so big, Luke Skywalker attacked its vulnerable exhaust port in his X-wing fighter.
Hubby's head is so big, he wears the Astrodome as a hat.
Hubby's head is so big, he has to dress up as a Blow-Pop for Halloween every year.
Hubby's head is so big, it's protected as a natural habitat for condors.
Hubby's head is so big, someone spray-painted "SAVE FERRIS" on it.
Hubby's head is so big, when he bends over his face gets burnt up on re-entry.
Hubby's head is so big, they grab his feet and drag him through the subway tunnel when they want to clean it.
Hubby's head is so big, he brushes his hair with the Redwood Forest.
Hubby's head is so big, it has rain gutters.
Hubby's head is so big, they had to take his baby picture by satellite.
The good news is that Hubby's head is so big, it's on Congress's list as "Too Big to Fail."
posted by argonauta at 10:55 AM on October 26, 2011 [8 favorites]


I believe you also need to procure a cartoonist's charicature of him. Head like a golf ball, angrily breaking his Big Bertha club over his knee, pink shirt, 5 aces sticking out of his back pocket.
posted by amanda at 11:16 AM on October 26, 2011


"When I met my husband, I knew I'd met the man of my dreams - he's a pink nightmare of a man with a giant head who dresses like a 13-year old Abercrombie model, enough to make anyone wake up terrified in the middle of the night."
posted by glaucon at 11:33 AM on October 26, 2011


Honey, the good news is that at 40 you dress like a 15 year old, so by the time you're 70 you'll look like a 40-year old!
posted by glaucon at 11:35 AM on October 26, 2011


You guys are awesome. I think we have the head thing covered. I want to make fun of his clothes and I thought i could say something like "you can tell by the way he dresses he spends a lot of time in the closet, in fact I wonder if he has spent his whole life there". What do you guys/ladies think?
posted by Robtri93 at 12:56 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


In the words of Eminem's character in 8 Mile: okay folks, enough with the gay jokes.
posted by box at 1:15 PM on October 26, 2011


Yeah I would go with the "pink = girly" light humor, gay jokes can be a bit boorish...
posted by dave99 at 4:51 PM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


Agreed. If you want to go with the vain/obsessed with fashion angle, how about things like:

- Hubby wears so much pink, he's getting a sponsorship from Pepto Bismol.
- When hubby loses at poker, he acts like he's mad because he's so competitive, but really, it's because he knows that money is going to have to come out of his monthly Pink Shirt Budget.
- Hubby is so obsessed with clothes, they've made him an honorary Kardashian.
- Hubby cares so much about his appearance, he thinks that "roughing it" for a weekend away means that he only packs three shoehorns.
- Hubby wears pink so often, last year he dressed up for Halloween as a 10 year-old girl... and no one noticed.
- Hubby is so fastidious about his appearance, he thought that Kate Middleton's wedding gown was "kind of schlubby."
- Like many people, we decided it would be a good idea to be prepared for a natural disaster, so I stocked up on things like flashlights, canned food, an emergency radio and bottled water. I was excited to see that Hubby made an Emergency "Go Bag" for us... until I found out that it only contains antioxidant exfoliating masks, an 800 thread count pillowcase, La Mer undereye cream, [his brand] cologne, SPF-200 lip balm, and a year's supply of GQ.
- The last time we went to the beach, no one noticed when Hubby got a terrible sunburn, because we all just figured he was wearing yet another pink shirt.
- Hubby is such a metrosexual, David Beckham calls HIM for style tips.
- Hubby is so vain, when he needs a new mirror, he buys 10 of them and puts them through boot camp so that he can, as he says, "weed out the weak."
- Hubby wears so much pink that Beyonce said that if her baby is a girl, they're using his closet as her nursery.
- Hubby is so vain, he probably thinks this roast is about him.
posted by argonauta at 6:51 PM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]


Now, there are a lot of jokes that my jusband isn't manly, but the truth is that he wears the pants in our relationship. The thing is, they're always plaid golf pants, and it takes him HOURS to find just the right pink shirt to match with them. And that pink shirt HAS to be a button-down, but that's only so he doesn't stretch out the neck pulling it over his massive head. But once he's dressed, he's quite the charmer. I'm just glad that of the many, many, MAAAAANNNNY women he flirts with, he always comes home to me. Unless, of course, it's poker night.
posted by JMOZ at 4:51 AM on October 27, 2011


I am literally dying over The World Famous's answer, oh my god, please do that.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:58 AM on October 27, 2011


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