What's the best way to survive a stressful social event?

October 6, 2011 1:27 PM

What's the best way to survive a stressful social event?

I will soon attend with my friends a social event for a co-worker's birthday, certain details about the event are outside my control but could led to it being an extremely uncomfortable time for me. Past experiences led me to believe I will not have social support at the event that I could confide in or get support from. So, seeing as how I love my friends and want to be present but will basically be on my own to survive I need some strategies. Here are some options I've thought about:

1. Drink a lot of alcohol: In general this seems like a bad idea for most people, and I don't want to be dependent on others for a ride home, so probably not the one for me.

2. Buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter: I've heard cigarettes can calm you down, and a ready excuse to go outside and cool down for a while seems ideal. I've smoked occasionally before, so I don't think this one night will get me addicted, but my friends know I don't smoke regularly so this will be pretty big tell that the night is getting to me.

3. Leave early: This is my fail-safe backup, but I already don't get out enough with these people.

4. Bottle-up the Stress and then go on a midnight run when I get home: This means I probably won't have a good time and may not be the most fun to be around, also I couldn't drink or eat fatty food.

Oh, and I can't really give many more details. This event could be considered a professional one, and I am loathe to add too much about my professional life on AskMeFi. But to give you an idea of the social situation and expectations think... Class Reunion After a Divorce?...

posted by midmarch snowman to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Don't be afraid to sit by yourself. There is certain to be other people who are either gregarious or shy: both these types are prone to gravitate towards an isolate.
posted by No Robots at 1:33 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Cigarettes actually make me more agitated. I don't understand how anything that makes your blood pressure rise (and doesn't it in most people?) could be calming. I say this as someone trying to quit smoking, SO PLEASE KILL ME NOW. Anyways, my strategy is to get drunk and take a taxi. This isn't that great of an idea, though, you're right. So if you want to be Good, I think you should just go with an open mind as possible, and focus on what is fun about the event rather than what is horrifying and uncomfortable. Just push those unpleasant thoughts right along and focus on what is beautiful. It's work, which is why I prefer getting drunk, but it's up to you.
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:37 PM on October 6, 2011

5. Grin and bear it.
posted by mazola at 1:38 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Coordinate with a friend who won't be at the event and arrange for him/her to call your cell two or three times during the night. It will give you a chance to step outside for five minutes, and it could be fun to have a third party to confide in about how the evening's going.
posted by AngerBoy at 1:39 PM on October 6, 2011 [11 favorites]

I'm hesitatant to recommend alcohol as a social aid, but I will mention two anecdotes...one is from Roger Taylor, the drummer for Queen. He said once that just prior to going onstage to perform live he downs one shot of scotch. No more. He said it's enough to "loosen" him up to relieve any tension he still experienced when first going onstage in front of X thousands of fans. Second is when I foolishly agreed to play the organ for a co-worker's wedding about one week prior to the ceremony (not a big fancy church thing, but still about 60 or so folks in attendance; the person he'd hired cancelled at the last minute, and co-worker knew I played the piano, so he asked me....) I practiced on an organ at a local music store for five days, but I was still very nervous. My Mom gave me a NyQuil cup filled with whiskey wrapped securely in several layers of Saran Wrap. "Drink this right before you go inside the building," she told me. At the time, the idea of drinking straight liquor made me cringe, but she insisted. "Trust me." So I did it, and despite the initial burning in my throat I immediately felt a warm sense of relaxation. I wasn't drunk at all, but that momentary warmth just provided a sudden feeling of relaxing, well-being. YMMV
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:39 PM on October 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Frequent trips to bathroom, drink table (sip sprites or water, you're right that alcohol will not help), or outdoors.

Go for the run before the party.

Bring a patch of fabric that is calming to you, or a scented thing that you can keep in your pocket and sniff. Think of a song that is particularly soothing, maybe even bring it and some headphones to listen to on your trips to the bathroom.

Breathing techniques. Practice them frequently, starting today.
posted by bilabial at 1:41 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

What if you go for a run first AND leave a little early? Works for me. (I can't do the drinking part- burnt bridges ensue.)
posted by small_ruminant at 1:42 PM on October 6, 2011

Just keep in mind that it's not your birthday, the attention is on someone else, and you have no requirement to be "on" or socialize in any way other than the way you want to.
Also, have a non-alcohized drink in your hand at all times, and fill the glass just a little bit, so you can excuse yourself from any uncomfortable situation by leaving to "fill up your drink".
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 1:46 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

If you're not used to drinking heavily on occasion, do not use a stressful social situation as your maiden voyage.
posted by elizardbits at 1:53 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

How about showing up with a little buzz, as opposed to full on drunk? When you start becoming self-conscious it means your buzz is over and it's time to leave.
posted by it's a long way to south america at 1:54 PM on October 6, 2011

I think 3 is your best option if you are really concerned about it. Just plan to make a brief appearance and then excuse yourself by saying you have to make an appearance at another event. People get double-booked all the time. (And of course if you get there and it's actually super fun, you can always just stay longer.)

I wouldn't get hammered, but I do think having one strong drink will help. And then when you can't take it anymore, just be all, "oh, look at the time! I have to go to my cousin's birthday now. Bye!" And leave. No one will think anything of it, since it's not your own party and presumably there will be loads of other people there. If you are really uncomfortable, it's not like this time out with your Friends You Don't Go Out With Enough will be quality time, anyway.

Finally, is this the sort of event where you could show up with a plus one? Most of the birthday parties I attend, people often bring another friend (someone you know from somewhere else) for company -- do you have a friend who you know will be entirely on your side and there for your moral support who you could drag along with you? I have MANY times gone to parties of people I don't know with a friend of mine who does know them and who is freaking out that her Ex is going to be there, and my whole job is basically to be quietly supportive. In other words: bring your own social support with you.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:55 PM on October 6, 2011

Set a reward for yourself. "All I have to do is survive this event, not flame out or make an ass of myself, and I will treat myself to x." When you start feeling overwhelmed, tune in to how much you will enjoy that massage/new outfit/whatever.
posted by workerant at 1:56 PM on October 6, 2011

I've heard cigarettes can calm you down, and a ready excuse to go outside and cool down for a while seems ideal. I've smoked occasionally before

Cigarettes are calming to people who are addicted to nicotine. Ingesting a stimulant isn't usually a good way to calm down.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 2:00 PM on October 6, 2011 [4 favorites]

I strongly advise you not to drink a lot of alcohol at a work-related anything.
posted by mhoye at 2:02 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

I also super-hate going to events like this, for similar reasons!

First off, definitely do NOT get drunk, particularly if this is even borderline professional in nature. I don't know about you, but for me, drunkenness and nervousness combined are a recipe for horrendous cringing embarrassment the next day.

This is my strategy for surviving evenings out in stress-inducing circumstances!

1) If you find yourself chatting with someone, ask them about themselves and their work, try to figure out if you have people or experiences in common, and generally just act like you're interested in what they have to say in a low-key way. I live in NYC, and I can't tell you how many party chats I've had about apartment hunting, cats, and what various people's majors and dormitories were at NYU.

2) If you're too nervous to seek people out, or if the people you're trying to chat with are being jerks, just find a corner to plant yourself in, get yourself a drink and nurse it for a while until you've chilled out a little. It's okay to be quiet. No one will think you're a weirdo. They probably won't even notice! Better to take a time out when you need one then to force yourself to talk to people when you're panicking.

3) If you see people you know and they seem content to chat with you indefinitely, don't force yourself to move on because you feel like you have to "mix." You're probably not the only person at that party who doesn't really enjoy being there. You may very well end up having an hour-long conversation with a friendly acquaintance while you both sit on the couch and eat dip.

Best of luck! IT'LL BE FINE! :)
posted by Narrative Priorities at 2:06 PM on October 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

So what you want to do is make an appearance - there can't be any good reason to be there throughout. Something will come up that afternoon and you'll be delayed. You then will pop in when the proceedings are well under way, wish the birthday child a happy birthday, have a drink or two and a snack and after no more than an hr you go home.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:08 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't get drunk or spend the whole time fiddling with cigarettes. Won't work. Have water or soda so you can have something harmless to sip on if you can't think of anything else to do. The hours might pass more slowly that way, but they won't be as emotionally fraught. Drunk = drama, sober = snooze.

Think of the classiest, smoothest, unruffledest, best-liked, most diplomatic guy or gal you know. It can be someone you know, a celebrity, a fictional character, whoever. Keep that person in mind throughout the evening, and when you feel uncomfortable or upset, think of how that person would act.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:15 PM on October 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

ask your friend to prep you a little on at least a half dozen people who will be at the party that he thinks you might have some interests in common. My wife did this for me at her last work party and it worked out great. She told me that one of her coworker's boyfriends was into micro brews so after being introduced and a little small talk I just asked him why kind of beer was good at the party and we were off to the races. Just seeing his eyes light up when I broached a subject he was passionate about shows how EVERYONE has anxiety about meeting new people and really appreciate it when someone takes the initiative to get to know them.
posted by any major dude at 2:18 PM on October 6, 2011

Best answer: Rather than predetermining that attending the event will guarantee stress, I'd suggest a different tactic--decide that you will enjoy yourself. You and your friends are going to a social occasion, not gunfight at OK corral. You can wish the birthday celebrant the usual wishes, join in a toast or ceremonial eating of cake, and chit-chat with others. If you see the person who distresses you, you can duck into the restroom, re-adjust yourself, and emerge. You might feel some discomfort, but you aren't going to be killed and eaten.
Plans for coping are fine, but rather than anticipate something dreadful--anticipate pleasure.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:44 PM on October 6, 2011 [10 favorites]

Don't drink alcohol at work events - ever.

Don't smoke cigarettes at work events - ever.


Alcohol has been covered. The cigarette thing is that, quite frankly (and I wished I had known this way back when!) cigarette smoke really sticks to you. When you come back inside from a smoke, you smell pretty bad to anyone, but especially non-smokers. It's a bad look, overall. And also, it makes you appear weak because you have to run outside and feed your addiction. I know plenty of smokers who simply would never ever light up in public for these two reasons. Smell and negative perceptions by others. (Yes. I know a lot of secret smokers. Heh.)


I think you've gotten great tips so far. Just don't pick up these two things during this event. They can't perform the function you are aiming for.
posted by jbenben at 3:25 PM on October 6, 2011

I'm going to second the idea that having a drink or two is fine and probably useful here. Is it a healthy approach to socializing? Probably not, but it sure as hell is common. You don't have to get wasted for it to take the edge off a bit. Hopefully, you know your limits with respect to driving.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 3:35 PM on October 6, 2011

Do you have a smartphone? You could fiddle with that, when it gets extra uncomfortable. Maybe even find someone to text a lot with you while you're at that event.
posted by tacit_urn at 4:41 PM on October 6, 2011

I hate events like these also, and have done the arrive late, leave early thing before.

Lots of good advice here. I concur on having a friend call or text you a couple times during the event, can even out anxious moments.

Another thing that's really helped me to remember is that * a lot * of people don't like such functions and are eager to blend in. Look for the other people who are looking bored and not talking while standing in a circle, or sitting by themselves. They will often be grateful to be engaged.

Since it sounds like there is the additional tension of seeing someone with whom there is some kind of history, I would advise playing it classy. When I've run into people with whom there is awkwardness or even bitterness, it really never hurts to be polite and chatty, even if you both know you'd rather be anywhere else. Excusing yourself to get food, say hello to someone else, etc. is always a nice way to disentangle if it's dragging on too long.
posted by iadacanavon at 7:39 PM on October 6, 2011

Someone I knew co-hosted a significant social event, and he was a perfect model of wit, charm, poise and casual debonaire relaxation.

When I chatted with him a day later, he said that his heart was filled with confusion, rage and turmoil, while he smiled politely and said innocuous nice things to various people.

I found what he said to be very useful to me since then.

A social situation is a social construct, and I myself find it helpful to compartmentalize my personal mental complexities, and try to project back what the group is comfortable with. If it gets too complicated, then I say goodbye and leave.
posted by ovvl at 8:15 PM on October 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Parties for the introvert, deconstructed:
1. Have a couple drinks - if it's a work party, switch to fizzy water after that
2. Whenever you have to talk to someone either
a. Make innocuous small talk if it's a brief encounter: "I'm so glad it stopped raining!" - I grew up in the midwest and I have a wealth of stupid comments like this to make at the drop of a hat.
b. If you're sitting next to someone waiting for dinner, ask them about themselves: "Do you have kids? Oh cool, how many? Do they like Pixar movies?" or "Do you have a Steve Jobs anecdote?" (if yes, go on... if no, they either love Windows or aren't computer people at all... discuss...) or "Where do you work?" or "What's the worst job you've ever had?" or "How long have you worked for COMPANY?" Basically, anything that makes the other person talk - people will talk about themselves endlessly if you give them the chance. If they don't, they may be more comfortable talking about people close to them - if they seem close-mouthed about themselves ask them about their spouse or their kids or their siblings.
3. If there is any artwork or something unique about the venue, feel free to gaze upon it meditatively from time to time. Look intrigued/gleeful/fascinated when you return to the crowd but don't expect anyone to share your feelings.
4. Frequent bathroom breaks, whenever you need some "me time" whether that is perusing Facebook, reading AskMe, emailing or texting, or actual bathroom functions.
4a. If someone you don't particularly want to talk to approaches you, listen to what they have to say, respond in brief and then say, "Excuse me, I was just on my way to the bathroom..."
5. Have a mantra - something you can tell yourself to keep your confidence. Mine is "I have EVERY RIGHT to be here." Adjust to your own parameters.
posted by bendy at 8:48 PM on October 6, 2011 [6 favorites]

I don't understand how you love your friends, but won't have social support. That said....

I concur on having a friend call or text you a couple times during the event, can even out anxious moments.

FWIW, I advise against this. I used to do it all the time, but eventually I realized that although it felt fun while I was doing it, it really just made me more alienated -- by the time I went back to the party, I was unable to engage sincerely with anyone. I was an angry punk kid though, so YMMV.

What works for me today is empathy. I just tell myself that everyone feels awkward at parties (even though I know it's not actually true), and that we all need to do the clumsy dumb work of "so what do YOU do" and "that is so interesting," until we hit our stride and find something we can talk about it easily. In other words, we are in fact on the same team of wanting it to succeed and be fun.

An extrovert once was telling me about a dinner she'd hosted, which she said she had overweighted with introverts. "I hate introverts," she said "because all they think about is themselves. I'm like, 'nobody is looking at you. For Christ's sake, do your share of the work and ask someone a goddamn question.'" I found that revelatory and useful.
posted by Susan PG at 1:04 AM on October 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I just reread this, and I realize you may not even be an introvert. Your question actually sounds like this is one specific social event that is stressful for a particular reason. I think it's funny that so many of us promptly offered general party survival tips for introverts :-)
posted by Susan PG at 1:07 AM on October 7, 2011

Response by poster:

I just reread this, and I realize you may not even be an introvert. Your question actually sounds like this is one specific social event that is stressful for a particular reason. I think it's funny that so many of us promptly offered general party survival tips for introverts :-)

Thanks everyone! To re-cap the situation, indeed, I am not an introvert, actually I usually look forward to events like this. The specific problem I was having was that this social event involved some people with whom I've had a dramatic/abusive history with, and due to some group/work/social politics I couldn't expect any support from people I otherwise trust. Not least to mention, it wasn't my birthday! I didn't want to let events that happened only to me affect the night of other people who organized the night. Sorry for the lack of clarity in the question, but really, thanks SO much for the responses.

For those of you who might stumble upon this AskMeFi in the future when seeking advice on how to deal with a dinner with an inconsiderate ex-spouse, or an abusive boss, or a Glenn Beck quoting client, here's what I did:

1: I went for a run before hand, it probably lowered my blood pressure and depleted my reserve of catecholamines (stress hormones), thanks Bilabial!

2: I told three friends not going to the party to call me, I actually only got two-three calls, but they helped a lot. One friend even stopped by the bar hosting the event. That friend got high fives all around. Thanks Angerboy!

3: I told myself it was going to be fine. This helped carry me through the first half of the night, until the drama/abuse I had come to expect reared its head again near the end, but not being as worried about it helped a lot. Thanks Ideefixe!

4: I excused myself for cigarettes three times. A couple friends called me on it but it wasn't a big deal, they knew it was probably going to be a hard night. Cigarettes do calm me down, even though I probably haven't smoked a pack in my entire life. I guess it was the ritual or the break, or just the way they work for me. The bad news is, this is the year freaking EVERYONE decided to quit smoking, so the patio was a little lonely.

Anyways, my first AskMeFi post was success! Hooray!
posted by midmarch snowman at 9:41 PM on October 9, 2011 [3 favorites]