Tips needed for being a good, regular houseguest.

October 4, 2011 3:26 PM

I'm seeking some tips on how to build and maintain a good relationship with my partner's mom while he lives in her home. Googling "boyfriend lives with mom" nets some really gnarly results, so I turn to you, Askmefi!

So, my partner moved back in with his mom for financial reasons: he's working but needs to save money for graduate school. I live in a nearby city that is very easy to get to/from, and we plan to take turns visiting one another each weekend, or roughly equally divide the weekends each month. I have a roommate, so every weekend at my place would be unfair to her.

I like my partner's mom. She's kind and generous, and I think she did a great job raising my SO and his siblings, who are all really warm and wonderful people. She and I have a few fundamental things in common, such as our professions, and I enjoy her company.

She and my SO get along well, and have a strong relationship. They've been talking about and planning this for several months, so it's not sudden*. However, I'm worried that this new living arrangement (planned for one year) will strain my budding connection with his mom , who I'd only met once or twice before the move. I feel like, in the natural order of things, I would probably see her for the occasional meal, or movie or family thing with my SO. But now, she's forced to share her living space with me for longish periods of time (two or three days), in a two-bedroom condo. I want her to remain comfortable in her own home, and perhaps not even mind my visits at all.

Without knowing her personally, in her shoes what would you appreciate from me and/or my SO this year to mitigate this regularly scheduled intrusion and exit this situation on the best of terms? Here are some of my own ideas:

1) Don't help myself to food
2) Buy and cook dinner sometimes
3) Help with the cleaning
4) Don't come in too late (we're social, but not big partiers)
5) Offer to run errands sometimes

Is there anything I'm missing? Fwiw, I do check in regularly with my SO to make sure his mom is comfortable with this arrangement, and he says she's fine and it's no problem and not to worry. I want to believe him, but I feel a little cautious and unable to relax when I'm there, as if I'm going to be judged/seem annoying for sleeping in, or hanging out in the living room, etc.

I know it seems as if I'm over-thinking this, but this is an alien situation for me: not only am I in my early 30's (as is my partner), but I haven't dated anyone who lived with a parent since just after college graduation. I want to be gracious and mature about this whole situation, while also feeling like it's okay to relax a little in my SO's new home. Impossible request?

Thanks in advance for your suggestions!



*My partner and I have been dating happily for a couple years, but we don't plan on getting a place together until we're engaged, so that's not a viable option right now. And despite my current neurosis he is happy to live with his mom, who has always welcomed study-abroad boarders and enjoys living with others.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Be extra considerate, and make sure to do things her way. I mean - if she has a certain way she likes the dishwasher loaded, do it that way. If she has a favorite drink or snack, never eat the last of it ;) Treat her pets well, follow her guidance on that as well. Maybe get in the habit of asking if there's anything you can pick up on your way to the condo. If you're going to do laundry there, check out what kind of soap she uses and buy a back up bottle. Wipe your hair from the sink and tub --really, just leave everything the way you found it. You're in that grey area between roommate and guest, so it's hard; don't work yourself up to nerves and unhappiness, but she'll surely notice and appreciate your thoughtfulness. If there are chores that you see are hard for her (especially if the snow in winter becomes an issue) enlist the boyfriend and do a bit extra; clear her car, sweep the walk, make sure there's ice melt by the door, that kind of thing.
posted by lemniskate at 3:40 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am an introvert so this advice might be horrible...really just depends on what she is like: Try not to constantly occupy the shared living space. For example, if you are reading a book, do it in the bedroom instead of the living room. This way, she won't feel the need to be entertaining if she doesn't want to be.
posted by murrey at 3:46 PM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Instead of staying there can you occasionally splurge on a weekend away in the country, go camping or stay in a cheap motel? Staying in a hotel in his city would be weird, and his mother might be offended. Exploring new places with a partner can be a good bonding experience.
posted by mareli at 4:17 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

2nding for not constantly occupying the shared living space.
posted by notned at 4:21 PM on October 4, 2011

Depending on what the mom is like, helping with the cooking and cleaning might be seen as muscling in on her turf. Or it might be gratefully appreciated. So definitely check first. You also may just need to not be there sometimes, and I'd let her know at the outset—"if there's anything I can do to be a better guest, or if you just need for me to be somewhere else sometimes, please say so."
posted by adamrice at 4:23 PM on October 4, 2011 [5 favorites]

I dated a guy who refused to move out of his parents house, and convinced me to move in... even though he owned a house in the next town... Luckily I loved his parents (when I left him, I was more sad about leaving his mother and his dog, lol).

I went out of my way to help out around the house, do dishes, spend time with the dogs, get the bf to go do stuff out of the house so that we weren't constantly under foot, did both of our laundry so she wouldn't even feel like she needed to do his, occasionally picked up a bottle of captain morgan for his dad, etc...

I'm a poor cook, but in addition to doing dishes would occasionally offer to help if they could give instructions on what they needed... so I did a lot of boiling water and chopping things, lol. When they went out of town I would volunteer to take care of the house and pets, and give the house a thorough clean and vacuum before they got home. When they bred their dog, I spent a lot of my spare time caring for her (to the point that her last couple of weeks and the day she finally had the pups she was constantly under my feet wanting belly rubs and attention.. she even let me into the closet where she decided to give birth, accepting pettings and praise for what a good girl she was being and even let me handle the puppies which was both awesome for me and apparently extremely surprising to them as with the other 2 litters she hadn't let anyone near for the first week or so).


Apparently his ex's before me were all lazy and expected to be waited on... so just the fact that I went out of my way to help out made them happy to have around.

Honestly if you're already comfortable and on good terms with the mom, why not sit down and ask her what kinds of things you can do beyond just helping out around the house when you're there?
posted by myShanon at 4:34 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you mentioned it, I missed it, but did she invite you to come for the weekends, or did your SO? Might be helpful for us to know how that happened.
posted by HuronBob at 4:36 PM on October 4, 2011

1) Don't help myself to food

See, this really depends on her. If it were my mom, she would not be happy until you were rifling through the pantry without encouragement. That's how she would know you were relaxed. My mom doesn't feel like she's a good hostess unless you can let your hair down around her.

She would also wonder if she had offended you if you were reading your book in the bedroom instead of hanging out with her in the shared space.

You're going to have to follow her cues on this. Given that she "has always welcomed study-abroad boarders and enjoys living with others," she's probably cool with interruptions and sharing space.

Have you sussed out whether she's Ask or Guess yet? (You sound like a Guess person. My mom's an Ask, and she would be mystified by you tiptoeing around her until you're sure of the rules.)
posted by heatherann at 4:51 PM on October 4, 2011 [8 favorites]

No loud sex. It's his mom in the next room.
posted by Houstonian at 5:02 PM on October 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think your ideas are great, but if I were in your shoes, I would feel much better actually having a conversation with her about these questions/issues. It's likely that she may not be entirely forthcoming with you at the outset (since she barely knows you), but she will probably be duly impressed with your maturity and consideration. (You will learn more through interactions in the coming year.)

My mom instilled in me the value of graciousness in written form (i.e. thank you letters, etc.), and along those lines, maybe you could open the door for this conversation by sending her a card in advance of your next visit (or leaving her one at the end of this one). You could say something to the effect of "I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon. I would love to talk to you about how I can be respectful of your living space, but also a helpful and contributing person to your household when I am visiting." That way she has some time to prepare for a conversation if there are, indeed, things she wants to share with you.

Good luck!
posted by Betty's Table at 5:47 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]

Do some housework for her, if she is working she will appreciate it and pick up after yourself.
posted by pakora1 at 6:37 PM on October 4, 2011

Always bring a small gift upon arrival - flowers, baked goods, specialty items - things that can be easily shared.
posted by jbenben at 6:58 PM on October 4, 2011 [2 favorites]

I always appreciate it when my son's friends are actually interested in having a conversation with me. So my advice is to spend some time (not lots, just a little) connecting with her as an interesting person in her own right.
posted by metahawk at 9:14 PM on October 4, 2011

I agree with others who say you should talk to her about this.

Doesn't need to be one big "How can I be a good houseguest?" conversation. But at least check in with her on specific points. So like instead of "Surprise! I cooked dinner!" you can be like "Hey, I'd like to cook y'all dinner tomorrow. Would that be okay? Did you have other plans? Will it bother you if I'm in the kitchen?"

Also, you're gonna need to have good communication with your boyfriend here. If some sort of conflict does come up, he'll probably be the first to know. You want to make sure he feels comfortable coming out and telling you, like, "Hey, XYZ seems to bug my mom" instead of trying to keep a lid on it to make you feel welcome.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:28 AM on October 5, 2011 [1 favorite]