I baptize you in the name of Wittgenstein, eschaton and continental hermeneutics.
September 30, 2011 9:50 AM Subscribe
We can't actually make it to a baptism tomorrow... and I'm sure this will rankle the family. What kind of meaningful gift can we give them?
Several months ago, our best man (A.) asked us to be godparents to his son, now 2.5 years old. We didn't hear much about it until last month or so, when he told us that, oops, the godparents had to be Catholic. But they still hoped we would come.
Now his wife texted and wanted to know if we were coming tomorrow, and both of us had completely forgotten about it. The ceremony is several hours away, and my husband has tons of homework. She said it wasn't a big deal, but A. can get a bit sensitive, especially because my husband moved away, they never see each other, etc. etc. We could try to get down there, but it probably won't work.
What can we give them that says, "We support you, even though we can't be there"? More for the parents than the kid, and a little more meaningful than a picture frame. And obviously, we'll give them a lovely, heartfelt and handwritten card.
The parents (A. especially) are actually the last couple I'd expect to be practicing Catholics. A. is super-ultra-intellectual and just finished a PhD in philosophy. (He gave what people described as "the only best man speech I've ever heard that quoted Wittgenstein.") His wife is kind of glam and modern, but very down-to-earth, and she loves hosting things/doing family stuff. So they appreciate things that are unique and out of the mainstream.
...Help?
Several months ago, our best man (A.) asked us to be godparents to his son, now 2.5 years old. We didn't hear much about it until last month or so, when he told us that, oops, the godparents had to be Catholic. But they still hoped we would come.
Now his wife texted and wanted to know if we were coming tomorrow, and both of us had completely forgotten about it. The ceremony is several hours away, and my husband has tons of homework. She said it wasn't a big deal, but A. can get a bit sensitive, especially because my husband moved away, they never see each other, etc. etc. We could try to get down there, but it probably won't work.
What can we give them that says, "We support you, even though we can't be there"? More for the parents than the kid, and a little more meaningful than a picture frame. And obviously, we'll give them a lovely, heartfelt and handwritten card.
The parents (A. especially) are actually the last couple I'd expect to be practicing Catholics. A. is super-ultra-intellectual and just finished a PhD in philosophy. (He gave what people described as "the only best man speech I've ever heard that quoted Wittgenstein.") His wife is kind of glam and modern, but very down-to-earth, and she loves hosting things/doing family stuff. So they appreciate things that are unique and out of the mainstream.
...Help?
I think you really need to suck it up and go to this one. It's a big deal for Catholics, and they initially wanted y'all to be godparents. "Oops, we forgot" is no good here. You don't have to stay the whole weekend, and perhaps you can drive while your husband does homework?
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:56 AM on September 30, 2011 [23 favorites]
posted by runningwithscissors at 9:56 AM on September 30, 2011 [23 favorites]
We could try to get down there, but it probably won't work.
Try.
Being asked to be a godparent is a pretty big deal. Even though you're not Catholic and couldn't be one, it was a pretty big thing for them to ask of you.
So even if you can't make it, make every attempt to do it. Their friendship means more than homework and inconvenience, right...and forgetting about it was completely your fault. Suck it up and make every good faith attempt to get there.
posted by inturnaround at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
Try.
Being asked to be a godparent is a pretty big deal. Even though you're not Catholic and couldn't be one, it was a pretty big thing for them to ask of you.
So even if you can't make it, make every attempt to do it. Their friendship means more than homework and inconvenience, right...and forgetting about it was completely your fault. Suck it up and make every good faith attempt to get there.
posted by inturnaround at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2011 [5 favorites]
I recently had two friends in different parts of the country have a kid, and I bought both of them the same thing; a silver spoon. Googling around, I found this. It's not too expensive, but it's a nice gesture.
posted by Gilbert at 10:01 AM on September 30, 2011
posted by Gilbert at 10:01 AM on September 30, 2011
I think you really need to suck it up and go to this one. It's a big deal for Catholics, and they initially wanted y'all to be godparents. "Oops, we forgot" is no good here.
I totally agree.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:01 AM on September 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
I totally agree.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:01 AM on September 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay; we're working on attending, but should probably still bring a gift.
posted by Madamina at 10:07 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Madamina at 10:07 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you need to recognize that this is "I made a huge mistake and failed to write down a major life event for a very good friend in my calendar, and now we're kinda busy and don't feel like going," very much not a "we can't go," and make reparations accordingly. I would say finding a weekend on your calendar that you're free, and making plans to go to their town on that weekend for the sole purpose of hanging out with them and spending time with their baby would be OK (I'd call them to make the plans today, not after the baptism), but a gift and a card is pretty inadequate here.
posted by brainmouse at 10:07 AM on September 30, 2011
posted by brainmouse at 10:07 AM on September 30, 2011
A silver (plated is okay if it's well-made) baby cup, monogrammed with baby's initials, in Very Fancy Script. A baby cup can be used later to hold toothpicks or small stuff. A cup monogrammed with Baby Name and/or date can only be used by Baby. A cup with script initials can be used by anybody, so Baby's sibling can swipe it if Baby doesn't want it. I'm quite happy to have my Dad's.
Or, begin Baby's library with a few wonderful hardcover books and/or cds. Pick up or make some bookplates to personalize them.
posted by theora55 at 10:09 AM on September 30, 2011
Or, begin Baby's library with a few wonderful hardcover books and/or cds. Pick up or make some bookplates to personalize them.
posted by theora55 at 10:09 AM on September 30, 2011
Response by poster: In our defense, the "I forgot" wasn't so much an "I forgot" as a "we have exactly zero information about this event, consisting of two mentions over the past year, and no idea of where or when it is taking place."
But yes, I agree, we need to go if at all possible.
posted by Madamina at 10:13 AM on September 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
But yes, I agree, we need to go if at all possible.
posted by Madamina at 10:13 AM on September 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
"we have exactly zero information about this event, consisting of two mentions over the past year, and no idea of where or when it is taking place."
When did you become aware of when this would be taking place? Because your update makes it sound like you were told the "when" for the first time today, which makes the situation sort of different.
posted by endless_forms at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2011
When did you become aware of when this would be taking place? Because your update makes it sound like you were told the "when" for the first time today, which makes the situation sort of different.
posted by endless_forms at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2011
If you don't mind supporting their religion, a baptism rosary or the medal of a saint might be a nice gift -- these are small, but the parents can keep them for when the child is older.
For saint's medals, St. Anthony is the patron of children, and if the child shares a saint's name, that might also be a good choice.
posted by gauche at 10:28 AM on September 30, 2011
For saint's medals, St. Anthony is the patron of children, and if the child shares a saint's name, that might also be a good choice.
posted by gauche at 10:28 AM on September 30, 2011
It is kind of weird that you hadn't been appraised about WHERE this was until the day before. Maybe they don't know that you didn't hear where it was until just now?
That said: I was going to suggest some kind of a saint's medal as well, one that references the child's name in some way (as in, a St. Christopher medal if his name is "Christopher" or whatever; I wouldn't sweat too much what particular thing that saint is the patron of, because the whole "ooh it's the name" thing is going to be more the point of a baptism). Since it's a boy -- I wonder if there's a way to put a medal on a little tie tack or something?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:32 AM on September 30, 2011
That said: I was going to suggest some kind of a saint's medal as well, one that references the child's name in some way (as in, a St. Christopher medal if his name is "Christopher" or whatever; I wouldn't sweat too much what particular thing that saint is the patron of, because the whole "ooh it's the name" thing is going to be more the point of a baptism). Since it's a boy -- I wonder if there's a way to put a medal on a little tie tack or something?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:32 AM on September 30, 2011
Response by poster: We knew it was on October 1, and I had it in my head, but the last time they'd said anything about it was probably about a month ago -- I'd asked what was up with the godparent thing, since I hadn't heard anything in a while, and they said, "Oh, they have to be Catholic, so I guess you don't have to do anything."
This morning I got a text from the wife asking if we were coming, so she'd know how many people to cook brunch for, and I thought, "Huh?" We've been in light but frequent contact (Facebook, etc.) since our wedding last month, and it hasn't come up once.
In no way do I want to put them down, especially since "Oh, gee, I kind of didn't talk to so-and-so" was pretty much the name of the game during my own ceremony planning over the last several months. But given the amount of contact we've had about this, even given the prior godparent consideration (I think we were chosen because we were one of the few relatively stable couples they knew who didn't have Issues), it wasn't looming large on my radar.
posted by Madamina at 10:34 AM on September 30, 2011
This morning I got a text from the wife asking if we were coming, so she'd know how many people to cook brunch for, and I thought, "Huh?" We've been in light but frequent contact (Facebook, etc.) since our wedding last month, and it hasn't come up once.
In no way do I want to put them down, especially since "Oh, gee, I kind of didn't talk to so-and-so" was pretty much the name of the game during my own ceremony planning over the last several months. But given the amount of contact we've had about this, even given the prior godparent consideration (I think we were chosen because we were one of the few relatively stable couples they knew who didn't have Issues), it wasn't looming large on my radar.
posted by Madamina at 10:34 AM on September 30, 2011
I pretty much disagree with everyone. They facts that they waited 2.5 years to get their child baptized (Catholic canon suggests baptism within the first weeks of life), that they weren't aware the Godparents in a Catholic ceremony needed to be Catholic (because in that ceremony the Godparents agree to promote the child's upbringing in the Catholic faith) and that you didn't really particularly identify them as Catholic until this came up suggests that they are basically family tradition Catholics, and it's reasonably likely they are doing this primarily for one or both of their families. Some of the judgment of you here is plain ridiculous, if it were that important to them they should have sent a formal invitation. They told you it wasn't a big deal, and didn't bring it up until the last minute. I don't think it is that big of a thing if you don't go. Make it up to them by planning to get together some time soon.
If you're going it is as something supportive of your husband's relationship with his friend which is great, nothing wrong with that. I think any nice gift will do, though I would say leave the religious gifts to the religious relatives, and also that baptism gifts particularly from outside family are neither typical nor necessary.
posted by nanojath at 10:35 AM on September 30, 2011 [19 favorites]
If you're going it is as something supportive of your husband's relationship with his friend which is great, nothing wrong with that. I think any nice gift will do, though I would say leave the religious gifts to the religious relatives, and also that baptism gifts particularly from outside family are neither typical nor necessary.
posted by nanojath at 10:35 AM on September 30, 2011 [19 favorites]
Whoops. It's St. Nicholas of Myra* who is the patron of children. I don't know how I got that mixed up.
* Yep, it's that St. Nicholas.
posted by gauche at 10:39 AM on September 30, 2011
* Yep, it's that St. Nicholas.
posted by gauche at 10:39 AM on September 30, 2011
I'm kinda in the camp that thinks if it was such a big deal that you attend they would have made more of an effort to keep you updated as to the time and place.
How badly will it fuck up your husband's academic work if he gets absolutely ZERO homework done this weekend. Absolutely possible that things go totally pants and not a book gets cracked due to stuff. How bad a situation will that put him in?
Shit does actually up and happen in life, and sometimes you can't actually make the event you'd otherwise like to. I think nanojath is on to something just upthread re: gifts.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:43 AM on September 30, 2011
How badly will it fuck up your husband's academic work if he gets absolutely ZERO homework done this weekend. Absolutely possible that things go totally pants and not a book gets cracked due to stuff. How bad a situation will that put him in?
Shit does actually up and happen in life, and sometimes you can't actually make the event you'd otherwise like to. I think nanojath is on to something just upthread re: gifts.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:43 AM on September 30, 2011
The parents (A. especially) are actually the last couple I'd expect to be practicing Catholics. A. is super-ultra-intellectual and just finished a PhD in philosophy. (He gave what people described as "the only best man speech I've ever heard that quoted Wittgenstein.")
Actually, this would not be that shocking. Dominican priest Fergus Kerr, for instance, is British academic and one of the most respected contemporary English-language theologians. Probably his most famous book is Theology After Wittgenstein. G.E.M. Anscombe edited (with Rush Rhees) and translated Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations and was quite famously a devout Catholic. Her husband, Peter Geach, is to some degree the founder of the school of Analytical Thomism.
On the other hand, nanojath is correct that they may not be that devout if they waited 2.5 years to have their son baptized.
Baptism gifts are pretty hard, because so many of them are just SUPER tacky and so many of them are useless. In many Catholic cultures, it's appropriate to just give cash.
Ludwig is "Louis", so you could go with a medal of his patron as a nod to the philosopher. You'd probably have to explain the meaning, so judge this idea based on how well you or your husband could pull it off. This kind of thing should be available from your local Catholic church goods store if you live in a big enough metro area.
posted by Jahaza at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Actually, this would not be that shocking. Dominican priest Fergus Kerr, for instance, is British academic and one of the most respected contemporary English-language theologians. Probably his most famous book is Theology After Wittgenstein. G.E.M. Anscombe edited (with Rush Rhees) and translated Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations and was quite famously a devout Catholic. Her husband, Peter Geach, is to some degree the founder of the school of Analytical Thomism.
On the other hand, nanojath is correct that they may not be that devout if they waited 2.5 years to have their son baptized.
Baptism gifts are pretty hard, because so many of them are just SUPER tacky and so many of them are useless. In many Catholic cultures, it's appropriate to just give cash.
Ludwig is "Louis", so you could go with a medal of his patron as a nod to the philosopher. You'd probably have to explain the meaning, so judge this idea based on how well you or your husband could pull it off. This kind of thing should be available from your local Catholic church goods store if you live in a big enough metro area.
posted by Jahaza at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
From the perspective of an antique dealer and jeweller who worked in a store that sold such gifts; and from someone who has seen this all from the experience of people who are letting go of such things and the families who appreciate the thought from their friends yet who will discreetly try to return some of these things, please don't get baby cups, silver spoons, rattles and the like. And perhaps leave the religious gifts for religious people to give, especially if it's not your thing.
Those will come from people closer to the family than you are. Engraving them makes them non-returnable when they receive several for this occasion. People don't usually use them very much, and they sit in drawers and become clutter and are only sentimental due to the event and the accumulation of time, not use, after a point. And people will inherit their parents' and relatives' things; and quite honestly, you're buying something for a future adult to consider special and that's just bizarre (even though I've participated in that when it was my job).
Further back in the day (the day being well over a hundred years ago - these sorts of gift really took off during the Victorian era) these gifts were given partly as a mark of wealth due to the Industrial Revolution (and mass-produced silver plate items rather than hand-forged sterling items from silversmiths) and the emerging middle class, but also because they'd be used, daily, and not just as decorative tokens. In the comfortable families children were precious and welcome and people had more of them back then (was the average 5, I think?) and their births were celebrated and baptisms and christenings happened for a variety of reasons, but um...well, children died at a rate of something like three in ten before their first birthday. So, many of them didn't go on to have a lifetime accumulation of tchotchkes. You don't have to perpetuate that in this day and age. (Please note: This is vague information grasped from amongst the tumbleweeds in that part of my brain, and I don't have time to go and look it all up - apologies for any misinformation. I used to be smart.)
If you're giving a trinket anyway, please don't give one with babyish decoration - do think about its use over a lifetime if it's designed to be kept.
I always think money is great and traditional for a savings account or education fund, and if you're not going, send the parents flowers the day after with a lovely note along with it. I agree with the idea of giving some beautiful books of quality to be enjoyed over a lifetime. My daughter has her grandfather's 1929 edition of Bambi, and we love it and give it pride of place on a shelf and re-read it yearly. Our niece received from her mother an original illustration from a children's book that she's since had signed by the author and illustrator (the Paper Bag Princess), and it's very dear to her even at 19 years old now. If you know of something that would be special and suitable, go for it.
As an antique dealer, I used to suggest to our clients neutral, classic items such as a simple, small sterling picture frame that can be used for a lifetime, not just for a baby's room. I also used to suggest small sliver or beautiful wooden trinket boxes, for keeping things like a lock of hair from the first haircut and such and they look nice on a desk or nightstand as an adult. Music boxes of the non-tacky kind are also kind of nice, but choose something classic (though, giving one with Little Red Corvette would be kind of awesome).
I, personally, have given a neat little item intended (and instructed) to be employed, not saved "for good" - sterling silver food pushers - because they're durable and genuinely useful (when the child is self-feeding, this is for pushing the food onto the fork or spoon to learn to eat neatly, until their dexterity is better). These things all tend to hold their value, apart from sentiment.
I hope it all goes well for you.
posted by peagood at 11:07 AM on September 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
Those will come from people closer to the family than you are. Engraving them makes them non-returnable when they receive several for this occasion. People don't usually use them very much, and they sit in drawers and become clutter and are only sentimental due to the event and the accumulation of time, not use, after a point. And people will inherit their parents' and relatives' things; and quite honestly, you're buying something for a future adult to consider special and that's just bizarre (even though I've participated in that when it was my job).
Further back in the day (the day being well over a hundred years ago - these sorts of gift really took off during the Victorian era) these gifts were given partly as a mark of wealth due to the Industrial Revolution (and mass-produced silver plate items rather than hand-forged sterling items from silversmiths) and the emerging middle class, but also because they'd be used, daily, and not just as decorative tokens. In the comfortable families children were precious and welcome and people had more of them back then (was the average 5, I think?) and their births were celebrated and baptisms and christenings happened for a variety of reasons, but um...well, children died at a rate of something like three in ten before their first birthday. So, many of them didn't go on to have a lifetime accumulation of tchotchkes. You don't have to perpetuate that in this day and age. (Please note: This is vague information grasped from amongst the tumbleweeds in that part of my brain, and I don't have time to go and look it all up - apologies for any misinformation. I used to be smart.)
If you're giving a trinket anyway, please don't give one with babyish decoration - do think about its use over a lifetime if it's designed to be kept.
I always think money is great and traditional for a savings account or education fund, and if you're not going, send the parents flowers the day after with a lovely note along with it. I agree with the idea of giving some beautiful books of quality to be enjoyed over a lifetime. My daughter has her grandfather's 1929 edition of Bambi, and we love it and give it pride of place on a shelf and re-read it yearly. Our niece received from her mother an original illustration from a children's book that she's since had signed by the author and illustrator (the Paper Bag Princess), and it's very dear to her even at 19 years old now. If you know of something that would be special and suitable, go for it.
As an antique dealer, I used to suggest to our clients neutral, classic items such as a simple, small sterling picture frame that can be used for a lifetime, not just for a baby's room. I also used to suggest small sliver or beautiful wooden trinket boxes, for keeping things like a lock of hair from the first haircut and such and they look nice on a desk or nightstand as an adult. Music boxes of the non-tacky kind are also kind of nice, but choose something classic (though, giving one with Little Red Corvette would be kind of awesome).
I, personally, have given a neat little item intended (and instructed) to be employed, not saved "for good" - sterling silver food pushers - because they're durable and genuinely useful (when the child is self-feeding, this is for pushing the food onto the fork or spoon to learn to eat neatly, until their dexterity is better). These things all tend to hold their value, apart from sentiment.
I hope it all goes well for you.
posted by peagood at 11:07 AM on September 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
Fair advice on abstaining from overly-religious things, peagood, but it still strikes me that a saint's medal could also be enjoyed from the "it's the same name" angle, and as a Baptism has an element of a Naming Ceremony as well as a spiritual ceremony, it could be appreciated on that level as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:12 AM on September 30, 2011
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:12 AM on September 30, 2011
Yes, you should go unless you're scheduled for surgery. Baptism is up there with birth and death for your friends.
There's overly passive or forgetful stuff happening on both sides that makes me feel like maybe everyone feels bad that about the retracted godparent request, or maybe the parents are overwhelmed ... standard operating procedure is not "hey, this event is in a month" and then, the night before "are you coming?" It's "hey, this event is in a month, are you coming?" Then you say "yes" and they send you more info as a matter of protocol (and a reminder), and definitely check up a week before if they haven't gotten an RSVP.
posted by zippy at 11:12 AM on September 30, 2011
There's overly passive or forgetful stuff happening on both sides that makes me feel like maybe everyone feels bad that about the retracted godparent request, or maybe the parents are overwhelmed ... standard operating procedure is not "hey, this event is in a month" and then, the night before "are you coming?" It's "hey, this event is in a month, are you coming?" Then you say "yes" and they send you more info as a matter of protocol (and a reminder), and definitely check up a week before if they haven't gotten an RSVP.
posted by zippy at 11:12 AM on September 30, 2011
As a Catholic, I agree with Nanojanth. This seriously sounds like they're just doing this to make their parents happy or something, and probably just want to get it over with. I'd make an effort to go, but if you can't, I'm sure it wouldn't be the end of the world.
posted by empath at 11:33 AM on September 30, 2011
posted by empath at 11:33 AM on September 30, 2011
Forget the religious component of it. If they're not actively practicing Catholics, this is more of a cultural tradition than anything. It's about bringing together and identifying the important adults in their child's life. It's saying: we know you, love you, will keep an eye on you as you grow up. Rituals exist even outside of religious territory and though this may be Catholic in name, it is very Real in their mind.
Also, it's not exactly impossible that having a kid makes parents want to go back to church. At 2.5 he's taking in the world, learning how to read social situations, decide on his own actions, and learn how to be a good community member. Tons of people see this, freak out at their perceived inability to do this monumental task alone, and take their kid to get baptized. They may go to church for a while, they might even try to find another church ("Unitarian Universalists are atheists with kids.") All of that is about searching for some kind of guidance and some kind of semblance of committed extended community.
If you knew it was on October first, you could have dropped a note about it or called them for details. Yes, they were wrong to not send some kind of formal invitation (even an email) with the specifics, but they might have felt badly about the Catholic-requirement mix-up, and could sense that you weren't really into it. People can get all hurt if they perceive you to be against (or ambivalent) something that is starting to become important to them.
Anyway, this could be an incorrect reading of the situation, but I have extremely non-religious friends who have gotten married in a church setting and have baptized their children. It has less to do with the Catholic baby Jesus who is Our Father and more about cultural traditions, family rituals, and trying to create community in this busy, disperse, individualist modern world.
They will know you made the long trip and extra effort and be doubly as grateful to see their friends wanting to continue their relationship into this new stage.
As for a gift, what about explaining that you want to cultivate a relationship with their child even if you're not recognized as religious godparents. That it's the connection you want to build. And you'd like to promise* to do one special event with that child each year. It might be a dance performance, it might be a walk on the beach followed by a picnic, it might be the planetarium, it might just be a fancy lunch somewhere, or a day at a farm. Just the child and you, once a year, as long as the child allows it to happen. And then make good on your promise. Organize it ahead of time and think about the relationship you'll build with this amazing little person! I **guarantee** the child will remember those outings for the rest of his life.
Good for you for trying to get there! It will mean a great deal.
posted by barnone at 11:46 AM on September 30, 2011
Also, it's not exactly impossible that having a kid makes parents want to go back to church. At 2.5 he's taking in the world, learning how to read social situations, decide on his own actions, and learn how to be a good community member. Tons of people see this, freak out at their perceived inability to do this monumental task alone, and take their kid to get baptized. They may go to church for a while, they might even try to find another church ("Unitarian Universalists are atheists with kids.") All of that is about searching for some kind of guidance and some kind of semblance of committed extended community.
If you knew it was on October first, you could have dropped a note about it or called them for details. Yes, they were wrong to not send some kind of formal invitation (even an email) with the specifics, but they might have felt badly about the Catholic-requirement mix-up, and could sense that you weren't really into it. People can get all hurt if they perceive you to be against (or ambivalent) something that is starting to become important to them.
Anyway, this could be an incorrect reading of the situation, but I have extremely non-religious friends who have gotten married in a church setting and have baptized their children. It has less to do with the Catholic baby Jesus who is Our Father and more about cultural traditions, family rituals, and trying to create community in this busy, disperse, individualist modern world.
They will know you made the long trip and extra effort and be doubly as grateful to see their friends wanting to continue their relationship into this new stage.
As for a gift, what about explaining that you want to cultivate a relationship with their child even if you're not recognized as religious godparents. That it's the connection you want to build. And you'd like to promise* to do one special event with that child each year. It might be a dance performance, it might be a walk on the beach followed by a picnic, it might be the planetarium, it might just be a fancy lunch somewhere, or a day at a farm. Just the child and you, once a year, as long as the child allows it to happen. And then make good on your promise. Organize it ahead of time and think about the relationship you'll build with this amazing little person! I **guarantee** the child will remember those outings for the rest of his life.
Good for you for trying to get there! It will mean a great deal.
posted by barnone at 11:46 AM on September 30, 2011
I don't see any judgment in this thread, just people saying "wait, maybe you should think this through a bit more and do whatever you can to make it." Obviously, if they retracted their godparent invitation based on religion, this stuff matters to them. Obviously, since you and your husband were their first choice of godparents, you are very important to them. And I'm skeptical that *any* homework is important enough to get in the way of attending this event. Plus, compromises can always be made ... You can go to the event and your husband can duck out after the ceremony to go study in a quiet place. You can attend only the ceremony and not the reception. Etc. It just makes sense to do what it takes to attend this, under the circumstances.
posted by jayder at 11:58 AM on September 30, 2011
posted by jayder at 11:58 AM on September 30, 2011
Quick question ---- are you sure the baptism is tomorrow? As someone who grew up Catholic and attended probably over a dozen baptisms, including my son's, I have never heard of a Catholic baptism occuring on a Saturday. Not to say it isn't possible, but it's really weird to me --- and talking to other Catholics, former and current, I can't say as I have ever heard of a Saturday baptism, either.
I mean, I'm sure the parents are right, and you probably have the right date, but it certainly pings my out-of-the-ordinary-radar, which is to say, that there could be an extra day...though again, I'm sure you're right. Just thought it was worth double checking, however.
As for a gift, I appreciate everything Toddler Zizzle was given. A check for the child's savings account is always thoughtful --- I know, corny and not sentimental, but I like those a lot.
posted by zizzle at 11:59 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
I mean, I'm sure the parents are right, and you probably have the right date, but it certainly pings my out-of-the-ordinary-radar, which is to say, that there could be an extra day...though again, I'm sure you're right. Just thought it was worth double checking, however.
As for a gift, I appreciate everything Toddler Zizzle was given. A check for the child's savings account is always thoughtful --- I know, corny and not sentimental, but I like those a lot.
posted by zizzle at 11:59 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Baptism is up there with birth and death for your friends.
Well, okay, baptism is up there with birth and death for many people, a group which (I would guess) almost certainly includes at least two of this child's grandparents, but may or may not include your friends.
Obviously, if they retracted their godparent invitation based on religion, this stuff matters to them. or at least, it matters to the priest and the church, who have lots of rules about these things. Rules which your friends were unaware of until recently.
You know your friends, and we do not.
Texting is horrible communication for nuance, so if I were you I'd call and say "Hey, we got your text" and they say "yeah, so are you coming?" and you say "well... we'd like to. I know you said the date when we talked last month but I totally forgot to write it down, so we haven't made any plans... I feel terrible that I didn't put it on the calendar, but you know how it goes, we were talking about [whatever else fun you talked about last month]. So anyway, [husband]'s in the middle of a big homework project, but we don't actually have anything scheduled..."
This is when they say something that indicates to you whether or not it is truly important it is to them that you drop everything and get in the car.
In the meantime, you need a gift.
Baptism gifts are in general about symbolism, not personal relationships (except for family history "this is his grandfather's baby book") or practicality. Symbolic gifts like a silver cup or spoon no-one will ever eat with, a decorative shelf-sitting item (brass baby shoes, picture frame), a piece of jewelry (baby ring, saint's medal). If those symbols mean nothing to you, either pick one that might mean something to them, or fish around for something else entirely. Personally, I think you should give them a blank slate. And maybe a check for the college fund.
posted by aimedwander at 12:12 PM on September 30, 2011
Well, okay, baptism is up there with birth and death for many people, a group which (I would guess) almost certainly includes at least two of this child's grandparents, but may or may not include your friends.
Obviously, if they retracted their godparent invitation based on religion, this stuff matters to them. or at least, it matters to the priest and the church, who have lots of rules about these things. Rules which your friends were unaware of until recently.
You know your friends, and we do not.
Texting is horrible communication for nuance, so if I were you I'd call and say "Hey, we got your text" and they say "yeah, so are you coming?" and you say "well... we'd like to. I know you said the date when we talked last month but I totally forgot to write it down, so we haven't made any plans... I feel terrible that I didn't put it on the calendar, but you know how it goes, we were talking about [whatever else fun you talked about last month]. So anyway, [husband]'s in the middle of a big homework project, but we don't actually have anything scheduled..."
This is when they say something that indicates to you whether or not it is truly important it is to them that you drop everything and get in the car.
In the meantime, you need a gift.
Baptism gifts are in general about symbolism, not personal relationships (except for family history "this is his grandfather's baby book") or practicality. Symbolic gifts like a silver cup or spoon no-one will ever eat with, a decorative shelf-sitting item (brass baby shoes, picture frame), a piece of jewelry (baby ring, saint's medal). If those symbols mean nothing to you, either pick one that might mean something to them, or fish around for something else entirely. Personally, I think you should give them a blank slate. And maybe a check for the college fund.
posted by aimedwander at 12:12 PM on September 30, 2011
I was raised Catholic and won't be able to attend my niece and nephews baptisms tomorrow (yes, they do have them on Saturdays). I sent them some books:
Lift The Flap Bible (a board book-- geared towardpreschoolers)
My Little Picture Bible (still a children's book but with stories)
Prayer for a Child (a Caldecott winner. Sweet and old-fashioned. A single children's prayer, not especially Catholic, but mentions Jesus) See it here.
I went to the bookstore to pick them out and they are all sweet, without scary illustrations or stories, very simple books. I figure it's a simple introduction into Bible stories without getting too heavy and can be enjoyed for a few years (even my 7 year old who is not being raised religious wanted to keep them).
posted by hellochula at 12:16 PM on September 30, 2011
Lift The Flap Bible (a board book-- geared towardpreschoolers)
My Little Picture Bible (still a children's book but with stories)
Prayer for a Child (a Caldecott winner. Sweet and old-fashioned. A single children's prayer, not especially Catholic, but mentions Jesus) See it here.
I went to the bookstore to pick them out and they are all sweet, without scary illustrations or stories, very simple books. I figure it's a simple introduction into Bible stories without getting too heavy and can be enjoyed for a few years (even my 7 year old who is not being raised religious wanted to keep them).
posted by hellochula at 12:16 PM on September 30, 2011
At first I was going to say "that's like forgetting somebody's wedding."
Now it seems as though they haven't actually invited you but simply expected you to turn up. Or perhaps don't want you to attend and are obfuscating.
Thing is, being invited to be godparents and being invite to the baptism are two things. Just because they retracted one invitation doesn't mean they retracted the other, and if you've known for a fact that it's tomorrow but hadn't received an invitation then you should have followed up with them.
If they never sent any invitations out at all, though, rather than your invitation getting lost in the mail, then that's such poor planning on their part that I'd declare it a draw.
posted by tel3path at 1:21 PM on September 30, 2011
Now it seems as though they haven't actually invited you but simply expected you to turn up. Or perhaps don't want you to attend and are obfuscating.
Thing is, being invited to be godparents and being invite to the baptism are two things. Just because they retracted one invitation doesn't mean they retracted the other, and if you've known for a fact that it's tomorrow but hadn't received an invitation then you should have followed up with them.
If they never sent any invitations out at all, though, rather than your invitation getting lost in the mail, then that's such poor planning on their part that I'd declare it a draw.
posted by tel3path at 1:21 PM on September 30, 2011
Count me as another vote for try to be there; as for a gift, if the kid was still an infant I might for a silver baby cup or one of those silver rattles, suitably engraved of course. But since the kid's two-and-a half years old, how about a nice book of little-kid-oriented Bible stories, maybe with a kid's rosary?
(It's kinda curious that they've waited this long to do the baptism; any idea why? Like did one of the parents have to formally convert first? I'm also wondering about that godparents-gotta-be-Catholic thing: I'm Presbyterian, and I'm godmother to a Catholic niece.)
posted by easily confused at 2:15 PM on September 30, 2011
(It's kinda curious that they've waited this long to do the baptism; any idea why? Like did one of the parents have to formally convert first? I'm also wondering about that godparents-gotta-be-Catholic thing: I'm Presbyterian, and I'm godmother to a Catholic niece.)
posted by easily confused at 2:15 PM on September 30, 2011
Gift: one of these , depending on his precise academic preferences. And go, if you possibly can, since they were very present and involved with your recent big event and you're certainly an important part of their lives, even if the communication wasn't so well organized this month.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:45 PM on September 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:45 PM on September 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Given they are academic types and presumably won't be averse to reading a thick book; buy them a nice Catechism as well.
Get yourselves a copy and compete on knowing more about Catholicism... even if you are not Catholics, you can still be extremely knowledgable godparents ;)
posted by KMH at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2011
Get yourselves a copy and compete on knowing more about Catholicism... even if you are not Catholics, you can still be extremely knowledgable godparents ;)
posted by KMH at 8:40 AM on October 7, 2011
I'm also wondering about that godparents-gotta-be-Catholic thing: I'm Presbyterian, and I'm godmother to a Catholic niece.)
easily confused, the rule is in the Code of Canon Law and, like many rules in the Church and in life in general, is followed with varying degrees of exactitude. I've bolded the relevant part :
easily confused, the rule is in the Code of Canon Law and, like many rules in the Church and in life in general, is followed with varying degrees of exactitude. I've bolded the relevant part :
CHAPTER IV.posted by Jahaza at 9:10 AM on October 7, 2011
SPONSORS
Can. 872 Insofar as possible, a person to be baptized is to be given a sponsor who assists an adult in Christian initiation or together with the parents presents an infant for baptism. A sponsor also helps the baptized person to lead a Christian life in keeping with baptism and to fulfill faithfully the obligations inherent in it.
Can. 873 There is to be only one male sponsor or one female sponsor or one of each.
Can. 874 §1. To be permitted to take on the function of sponsor a person must:
1/ be designated by the one to be baptized, by the parents or the person who takes their place, or in their absence by the pastor or minister and have the aptitude and intention of fulfilling this function;
2/ have completed the sixteenth year of age, unless the diocesan bishop has established another age, or the pastor or minister has granted an exception for a just cause;
3/ be a Catholic who has been confirmed and has already received the most holy sacrament of the Eucharist and who leads a life of faith in keeping with the function to be taken on;
4/ not be bound by any canonical penalty legitimately imposed or declared;
5/ not be the father or mother of the one to be baptized.
§2. A baptized person who belongs to a non-Catholic ecclesial community is not to participate except together with a Catholic sponsor and then only as a witness of the baptism.
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- You guys are important to us
- We wish we could be there, but we just can't
- Thank you for thinking of us first to be godparents, and we understand why you had to make the change you did
- We want to be part of your son's life going forward
- Our friendship has been a big part of our life
Etc.
Ultimately, true friends are the people who understand that life is not always perfect, changes in plans happen, etc.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:56 AM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]