A couple of sex questions.
September 25, 2011 4:01 PM Subscribe
How do I get over the notion I need to have perfect sex, and how do I incorporate new ideas into what we do?
I'm 27, been married for just over 2 years, been together for about 5. My wife is my age. I've had a few sexual partners before I met her, as has she. We're both sex positive individuals, enjoy sex, and communicate well about sexual matters.
I've run into a few issues that deal with my own crazy. My wife's sex drive has been down a bit in the past year, but it's on the way back up, and I'm enjoying the new vigor. Part of my problem, though, is that I'm hung up on the idea that I need to have excellent, perfect, mindblowing sex every time. This sort of makes me hesitate in initiating, especially because when her sex drive was down, I got used to asking less frequently.
The first question: how do I get over this notion that I need to have perfect sex? Now that we're having more sex, I know that we can have good to great sex, but I still get hung up on the idea that every time we have sex I need to bring my A+ game, be fit, well rested, and be ready to go for hours.
With the increase in her sex drive, we've been talking about trying out new things. These range from light bondage, some more toys, roleplaying, different positions, and different locations. We've also had some light conversations about another couple we're both kind of keen on. In bed, though, I'm the one that generally has to bring in the new ideas. If I want to try something new, it's my job to do it or request it. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to get caught in the same patterns we always have - mainly because we know it works. I can go in with great ideas, but it ends up going to groping-fingering-light oral-sex-she cums-I cum.
It's fun and definitely enjoyable, but I always feel awkward trying to bring in the new ideas. She's always keen, but it always just seems to fall back into that rut for whatever reason. How do I add these new things in so that they don't feel awkward?
Summary questions: How do I get over the notion that I need to have perfect sex every time (so that I'm up for more sex), and how do I incorporate new ideas and techniques without feeling awkward?
I'm 27, been married for just over 2 years, been together for about 5. My wife is my age. I've had a few sexual partners before I met her, as has she. We're both sex positive individuals, enjoy sex, and communicate well about sexual matters.
I've run into a few issues that deal with my own crazy. My wife's sex drive has been down a bit in the past year, but it's on the way back up, and I'm enjoying the new vigor. Part of my problem, though, is that I'm hung up on the idea that I need to have excellent, perfect, mindblowing sex every time. This sort of makes me hesitate in initiating, especially because when her sex drive was down, I got used to asking less frequently.
The first question: how do I get over this notion that I need to have perfect sex? Now that we're having more sex, I know that we can have good to great sex, but I still get hung up on the idea that every time we have sex I need to bring my A+ game, be fit, well rested, and be ready to go for hours.
With the increase in her sex drive, we've been talking about trying out new things. These range from light bondage, some more toys, roleplaying, different positions, and different locations. We've also had some light conversations about another couple we're both kind of keen on. In bed, though, I'm the one that generally has to bring in the new ideas. If I want to try something new, it's my job to do it or request it. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to get caught in the same patterns we always have - mainly because we know it works. I can go in with great ideas, but it ends up going to groping-fingering-light oral-sex-she cums-I cum.
It's fun and definitely enjoyable, but I always feel awkward trying to bring in the new ideas. She's always keen, but it always just seems to fall back into that rut for whatever reason. How do I add these new things in so that they don't feel awkward?
Summary questions: How do I get over the notion that I need to have perfect sex every time (so that I'm up for more sex), and how do I incorporate new ideas and techniques without feeling awkward?
Yeah what AMSB says. Say, one would be in a declining partnership, but wouldn't want to cheat, although things are bad. That's no sex for years in a stretch. Enjoy what you've got, it is more than awesome already.
posted by Namlit at 4:19 PM on September 25, 2011
posted by Namlit at 4:19 PM on September 25, 2011
Perfect sex is a lot like perfect improvised music. By its very nature it's guaranteed not to happen every time. You're not doing anything wrong. Relax.
posted by flabdablet at 4:22 PM on September 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 4:22 PM on September 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
I notice that I start to get perfectionistic about sex if we're not doing it very often. For us if sex happens less than once a week, I start to feel like it's gotta be great every time or why bother... who wants their only shot for a week or more to be meh? If it's crap it's really kind of a letdown when you know you're not going to get to go again for a week or so.
YMMV on the once-a-week threshold. We're not particularly highly-sexed. I'm sure for younger and/or hornier couples it would be a different timetable.
On the other hand if you do it alot, it doesn't seem like such a big deal if it's not perfect every time because maybe (the 2nd time/tomorrow/the day after tomorrow will make up for it.)
This book kind of clued me into that. When they went to a daily schedule it seemed like their sex life improved overall, even though every single time wasn't "amazing." It was also interesting to see the relaxed way they experimented with new stuff. Reading about what sounded like a normal, happy sex life was kind of reassuring to me that we didn't have to be crazy-experimental all the time in order to keep up with what I imagined other sexually happy couples were doing.
Also, there is some author out there that recommends what she calls "maintenance sex" which is basically quickies that keep you connected and satisfy the physical urges in between your longer, more impressive sessions. Quickies can be an awesome way to keep things hot if both parties agree there is no expectation for anything more elaborate. You just do what you know works for both of you and get on with your day, and save the acrobatics, kink & experimentation for when you have time.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:26 PM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
YMMV on the once-a-week threshold. We're not particularly highly-sexed. I'm sure for younger and/or hornier couples it would be a different timetable.
On the other hand if you do it alot, it doesn't seem like such a big deal if it's not perfect every time because maybe (the 2nd time/tomorrow/the day after tomorrow will make up for it.)
This book kind of clued me into that. When they went to a daily schedule it seemed like their sex life improved overall, even though every single time wasn't "amazing." It was also interesting to see the relaxed way they experimented with new stuff. Reading about what sounded like a normal, happy sex life was kind of reassuring to me that we didn't have to be crazy-experimental all the time in order to keep up with what I imagined other sexually happy couples were doing.
Also, there is some author out there that recommends what she calls "maintenance sex" which is basically quickies that keep you connected and satisfy the physical urges in between your longer, more impressive sessions. Quickies can be an awesome way to keep things hot if both parties agree there is no expectation for anything more elaborate. You just do what you know works for both of you and get on with your day, and save the acrobatics, kink & experimentation for when you have time.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:26 PM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Your idea of "perfect sex" sounds... exhausting, frankly. So much effort is too much pressure.
Not every meal you eat is going to be worthy of a five-star restaurant - in fact, very few will be, and that's great, because if more of your meals were like that, you'd get jaded.
Most of your meals are everyday food, and they're satisfying as they are - delicious, even. Some days you crave a fast-food taco or a simple sandwich, and they're perfect for that moment.
posted by flex at 4:31 PM on September 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
Not every meal you eat is going to be worthy of a five-star restaurant - in fact, very few will be, and that's great, because if more of your meals were like that, you'd get jaded.
Most of your meals are everyday food, and they're satisfying as they are - delicious, even. Some days you crave a fast-food taco or a simple sandwich, and they're perfect for that moment.
posted by flex at 4:31 PM on September 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
The longer you know someone, the more you will laugh at the idea of "perfect" anything.
I hear a lot of insecurity in your question. You two sound like you are both a little insecure and you prop each other up, pleasuring each other in the default ways to keep things agreeable because you're not willing to take risks around/in front of each other.
Exploring means risking failure. Sometimes you will feel stupid. Sometimes she will feel stupid. Sometimes you'll both just crack up laughing at what you just tried, and then you will probably just placate each other with the usual routine as a vote of confidence for next time. Sometimes there will be (unintentional) pain or discomfort until you get it right. You may lose your erection at an awkward time because you are focusing on some new unusual thing. All of these eventualities are TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE. Break the ice beforehand by reviewing all of these options out loud, giving permission to yourselves and each other to have imperfect sex.
Once you've broken in a new idea, you can start to get more creative about setting a mood, creating a "perfect" scenario that will delight both of you. But if you don't pay your dues as an explorer, you'll never get there.
I'm the one that generally has to bring in the new ideas. If I want to try something new, it's my job to do it or request it.
I sense a little frustration or resentment here. Obviously it would be easier if someone else would just break the ice for you. But work with what you've got -- and what you've got is someone who gets psyched about the same things you do, once you give a little nudge. Do you know how many guys would kill to be in that position?
posted by hermitosis at 5:32 PM on September 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
I hear a lot of insecurity in your question. You two sound like you are both a little insecure and you prop each other up, pleasuring each other in the default ways to keep things agreeable because you're not willing to take risks around/in front of each other.
Exploring means risking failure. Sometimes you will feel stupid. Sometimes she will feel stupid. Sometimes you'll both just crack up laughing at what you just tried, and then you will probably just placate each other with the usual routine as a vote of confidence for next time. Sometimes there will be (unintentional) pain or discomfort until you get it right. You may lose your erection at an awkward time because you are focusing on some new unusual thing. All of these eventualities are TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE. Break the ice beforehand by reviewing all of these options out loud, giving permission to yourselves and each other to have imperfect sex.
Once you've broken in a new idea, you can start to get more creative about setting a mood, creating a "perfect" scenario that will delight both of you. But if you don't pay your dues as an explorer, you'll never get there.
I'm the one that generally has to bring in the new ideas. If I want to try something new, it's my job to do it or request it.
I sense a little frustration or resentment here. Obviously it would be easier if someone else would just break the ice for you. But work with what you've got -- and what you've got is someone who gets psyched about the same things you do, once you give a little nudge. Do you know how many guys would kill to be in that position?
posted by hermitosis at 5:32 PM on September 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Incidentally I know a few married couples who go to counseling regularly -- not because there's anything wrong, but because it provides a regular opportunity for them to discuss their relationship and stay honest about what's really happening. Talking together with a therapist about sex may sound totally awkward and embarrassing, but again if you are looking to break the ice and turn fantasies into realities, then this may be a big help.
posted by hermitosis at 5:34 PM on September 25, 2011
posted by hermitosis at 5:34 PM on September 25, 2011
This sounds similar to me and my boyfriend. We're still working our way through it, but something that's been good for ME is us having lots of UNsex - I mean, doing lots other things that could be considered presex, almost-sex or just not very perfect sex.
On the other hand if you do it alot, it doesn't seem like such a big deal if it's not perfect every time because maybe (the 2nd time/tomorrow/the day after tomorrow will make up for it.
It sounds like the same thing as what Serene Empress Dork mentioned - if we're doing sexy fondling etc every day that doesn't always lead to sex (intercourse) we both feel desireable and hot, and when it does turn into sex it doesn't seem like such a huge mountain to climb and as a result its usually pretty good.
When we were just not doing it as much, it was becoming a Really Big Deal to my boyfriend if it was less than amazing.
OH! I just read what hermitosis wrote - that's what I'm working towards!!! So reassuring to read:)
posted by Locochona at 5:45 PM on September 25, 2011
On the other hand if you do it alot, it doesn't seem like such a big deal if it's not perfect every time because maybe (the 2nd time/tomorrow/the day after tomorrow will make up for it.
It sounds like the same thing as what Serene Empress Dork mentioned - if we're doing sexy fondling etc every day that doesn't always lead to sex (intercourse) we both feel desireable and hot, and when it does turn into sex it doesn't seem like such a huge mountain to climb and as a result its usually pretty good.
When we were just not doing it as much, it was becoming a Really Big Deal to my boyfriend if it was less than amazing.
OH! I just read what hermitosis wrote - that's what I'm working towards!!! So reassuring to read:)
posted by Locochona at 5:45 PM on September 25, 2011
The idea of perfect sex, to me, seems to carry with it the assumption that sex is just for one thing, whatever that thing is. I find that in long comfortable relationships sex can serve a lot of different purposes from "oooh I can't keep my hands off of you" to "I need some intimate partner time to soothe my worried mind" to "woke up horny, roll over please" and so there are different perfect sexual experiences depending on what you're really after. Now, if you're finding that you're meeting each other frequently with different goals [i.e. you're looking for some acrobatic wear-you-out sex and she's looking for some touch-n-snuggle] that's more of a compatibility issue than one that is rooted in your own perfectionism, but one that's going to have some communication happening to untanlge.
Just picking apart your words and applying my own filter, it sounds like maybe when her sex drive was down, that was a little ... not what you wanted and now that it's coming back you maybe have the fidgets, or are maybe a little concerned that it's not all back in some way. You seem to want some sort of acknowledgment of your great ideas and your ideas of percet sex are a little wrapped up in the idea of novelty over other things that sex is or could be for. So possibly opening up the idea of what sex is for so that sometimes what you do together is serving other relationship purposes other than just the "go for hours: stuff. Which is not to say that this shouldn't be part of it and if you've found that this sort of experience is lacking with the two of you, that is something that's totally okay to bring up as your own personal desires.
And about the awkward. I've found that the more open I am to talking about what I really want and what I like and don't like and the more that just the act of communicating is something that's earnestly appreciated by my partner, the easier it is to open up and talk about this sort of thing. You may want to look at the sort of reception you're getting for the ideas that you bring to the table and see if there's a way your parner is responding that may be causing you to feel that way.
posted by jessamyn at 6:04 PM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just picking apart your words and applying my own filter, it sounds like maybe when her sex drive was down, that was a little ... not what you wanted and now that it's coming back you maybe have the fidgets, or are maybe a little concerned that it's not all back in some way. You seem to want some sort of acknowledgment of your great ideas and your ideas of percet sex are a little wrapped up in the idea of novelty over other things that sex is or could be for. So possibly opening up the idea of what sex is for so that sometimes what you do together is serving other relationship purposes other than just the "go for hours: stuff. Which is not to say that this shouldn't be part of it and if you've found that this sort of experience is lacking with the two of you, that is something that's totally okay to bring up as your own personal desires.
And about the awkward. I've found that the more open I am to talking about what I really want and what I like and don't like and the more that just the act of communicating is something that's earnestly appreciated by my partner, the easier it is to open up and talk about this sort of thing. You may want to look at the sort of reception you're getting for the ideas that you bring to the table and see if there's a way your parner is responding that may be causing you to feel that way.
posted by jessamyn at 6:04 PM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Variety is much better than hours of the perfect sameness. Have some quickies, on the bed and the carpet and at random times. Sometimes you get home from work after a long day and the last thing you feel like is perfect marathon sex, but you'd love a back rub and 10 minutes of bliss. Perfect is the enemy of good (and often).
posted by meepmeow at 6:05 PM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by meepmeow at 6:05 PM on September 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
A lot of this has been covered already, but i think reading my answer to a previous question about 'keeping from being roommates in a LTR' might be helpful.
Also, as to the light bondage/toys/couple (well, the first two at least), it's great to talk about it, and its probably pretty arousing and leads to hotter sex, but there is fun to be had in actually committing yourself to doing that stuff. Go toy shopping on the internet (I recommend anything Lelo or JimmyJane put out, srsly), and make it a point to spend a weekend playing with them. Do NOT set it up like 'okay we have these toys and now we are going to have an amazing series of sexual encounters and orgasms and its going to be the best thing ever'. This is exploration time, its' more about 'hey, what does this one do? what does it do when i put it on my penis, what does it do when its on your clit', etc
This stuff is supposed to be fun, and messy, and silly, and its not going to be what you think its going to be hardly ever.
As i said in the previous question, one of the awesome things about being in a LTR is having someone to experiment or try things out that have only lived in your head. Sometimes it won't work at all, and sometimes it'll be awesome, and usually it'll be at least fun enough that you'll do it again cause what the hell.
Enjoy!
posted by softlord at 7:10 PM on September 25, 2011
Also, as to the light bondage/toys/couple (well, the first two at least), it's great to talk about it, and its probably pretty arousing and leads to hotter sex, but there is fun to be had in actually committing yourself to doing that stuff. Go toy shopping on the internet (I recommend anything Lelo or JimmyJane put out, srsly), and make it a point to spend a weekend playing with them. Do NOT set it up like 'okay we have these toys and now we are going to have an amazing series of sexual encounters and orgasms and its going to be the best thing ever'. This is exploration time, its' more about 'hey, what does this one do? what does it do when i put it on my penis, what does it do when its on your clit', etc
This stuff is supposed to be fun, and messy, and silly, and its not going to be what you think its going to be hardly ever.
As i said in the previous question, one of the awesome things about being in a LTR is having someone to experiment or try things out that have only lived in your head. Sometimes it won't work at all, and sometimes it'll be awesome, and usually it'll be at least fun enough that you'll do it again cause what the hell.
Enjoy!
posted by softlord at 7:10 PM on September 25, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice, everyone. The bit about diminishing frequency and worrying about perfection definitely speaks true to my thoughts.
We do plenty of non-sexual touching; we're generally pretty Hands Across America, so to speak.
We do have some light bondage stuff and toys, but it generally just gets laid to the side for whatever reason. I think I'm so caught up in making sure we do what works that I forget taking opportunities to do things that might not work. Guess I gotta make the nudge and go for more imperfect sex.
I sense a little frustration or resentment here.
Maybe a little. It's awesome that she's gung-ho for basically anything I offer up, and I know how lucky I am. I feel a little guilty sometimes that she's more or less content, and I'm the one that's always pushing for more/different. Like, if she doesn't feel the need to push out on her own, I shouldn't need to push out on my own. That speaks to a fundamental difference in personalities between us in many aspects, though- she's generally content with what she has in life, and I'm always wanting new and different things. She's always more than happen to come along with me on new experiences, but I'm generally the catalyst.
posted by A Special Kind of Weird at 7:20 PM on September 25, 2011
We do plenty of non-sexual touching; we're generally pretty Hands Across America, so to speak.
We do have some light bondage stuff and toys, but it generally just gets laid to the side for whatever reason. I think I'm so caught up in making sure we do what works that I forget taking opportunities to do things that might not work. Guess I gotta make the nudge and go for more imperfect sex.
I sense a little frustration or resentment here.
Maybe a little. It's awesome that she's gung-ho for basically anything I offer up, and I know how lucky I am. I feel a little guilty sometimes that she's more or less content, and I'm the one that's always pushing for more/different. Like, if she doesn't feel the need to push out on her own, I shouldn't need to push out on my own. That speaks to a fundamental difference in personalities between us in many aspects, though- she's generally content with what she has in life, and I'm always wanting new and different things. She's always more than happen to come along with me on new experiences, but I'm generally the catalyst.
posted by A Special Kind of Weird at 7:20 PM on September 25, 2011
I think you feel put upon by your partner to be the one to take all of the responsibility for sex, hence the anxiety about making it "perfect" and the comments you have about having to be the one who initiates anything new.
you need to talk to her. are there some things you specifically want to try? then bring those up w/ her in a non-sex time and explain if/how you would want her to take responsibility for those things. if she's not willing to bring "it", at least some times, and generally leaves you less than satisfied, then there's something wrong.
Or, maybe she's really willing and a bit submissive, and you don't know if you have the freedom to initiate what you want (if you're into being in the dominant role). Maybe she's totally willing to do what you want, but she enjoys that you are the one to initiate it. Are you OK with that? Maybe with the freedom to know that X, Y, Z is on the table, unless explicitly stated otherwise, you'll be able to enjoy yourselves more.
Also seconding that it doesn't have to be perfect every time. Maybe save one night a week to go all out for it, and other times are just good enough. I'll eat Mac'n'Cheese and frozen pizzas on the week days, but I'll make myself a dinner from scratch on the weekends. It's the same idea for sex.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:23 PM on September 25, 2011
you need to talk to her. are there some things you specifically want to try? then bring those up w/ her in a non-sex time and explain if/how you would want her to take responsibility for those things. if she's not willing to bring "it", at least some times, and generally leaves you less than satisfied, then there's something wrong.
Or, maybe she's really willing and a bit submissive, and you don't know if you have the freedom to initiate what you want (if you're into being in the dominant role). Maybe she's totally willing to do what you want, but she enjoys that you are the one to initiate it. Are you OK with that? Maybe with the freedom to know that X, Y, Z is on the table, unless explicitly stated otherwise, you'll be able to enjoy yourselves more.
Also seconding that it doesn't have to be perfect every time. Maybe save one night a week to go all out for it, and other times are just good enough. I'll eat Mac'n'Cheese and frozen pizzas on the week days, but I'll make myself a dinner from scratch on the weekends. It's the same idea for sex.
posted by cupcake1337 at 9:23 PM on September 25, 2011
"I feel a little guilty sometimes that she's more or less content, and I'm the one that's always pushing for more/different. Like, if she doesn't feel the need to push out on her own, I shouldn't need to push out on my own. That speaks to a fundamental difference in personalities between us in many aspects, though- she's generally content with what she has in life, and I'm always wanting new and different things. She's always more than happen to come along with me on new experiences, but I'm generally the catalyst."
Maybe by exploring in this realm you can encourage her to share her own fantasies and interests? It's possible that the "content with what she has" can also be partly masking a "not comfortable asking for what she wants".
posted by softlord at 4:49 PM on September 26, 2011
Maybe by exploring in this realm you can encourage her to share her own fantasies and interests? It's possible that the "content with what she has" can also be partly masking a "not comfortable asking for what she wants".
posted by softlord at 4:49 PM on September 26, 2011
How do I get over the notion that I need to have perfect sex every time (so that I'm up for more sex)?
I think you need to have some non-perfect sex, and find out that 1) hey, it's ok and 2) she will still be up for having it again.
To have the non-perfect sex, try scheduling it. Schedule a rushed nooner with her, where you know you won't have time for everything, but just enough time for PIV and GBTW. Schedule a date and try to do it in the car, where it's cramped and the steering wheel is in jambed your thigh. Screw in the shower, where one of you is warm under the water and the other is shivering and cold. Try these out, and realize that it's really bad sex, but it's still pretty good sex, and provides some good intimacy and connection. Because then when you are in bed having the perfect sex, and something not-perfect happens, you can remind each other that at least she isn't tit-fucking the gear shift as she is trying to get off with you.
posted by I am the Walrus at 12:18 PM on September 28, 2011
I think you need to have some non-perfect sex, and find out that 1) hey, it's ok and 2) she will still be up for having it again.
To have the non-perfect sex, try scheduling it. Schedule a rushed nooner with her, where you know you won't have time for everything, but just enough time for PIV and GBTW. Schedule a date and try to do it in the car, where it's cramped and the steering wheel is in jambed your thigh. Screw in the shower, where one of you is warm under the water and the other is shivering and cold. Try these out, and realize that it's really bad sex, but it's still pretty good sex, and provides some good intimacy and connection. Because then when you are in bed having the perfect sex, and something not-perfect happens, you can remind each other that at least she isn't tit-fucking the gear shift as she is trying to get off with you.
posted by I am the Walrus at 12:18 PM on September 28, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
To answer the first summary question - Be glad that you're having (partner) sex instead of (solo) sex. Relax :-)
To answer the second - you love her, you two communicate well about sex, so there should be no need for anyone to feel awkward.
posted by AMSBoethius at 4:10 PM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]