How can I keep my boyfriend and I from becoming "just roommates" now that we live together....and how can I stop obsessively worrying about our sex life?
September 1, 2011 11:23 AM Subscribe
How can I keep my boyfriend and I from becoming "just roommates" now that we live together? And how can I stop obsessively worrying about our sex life?
posted by KarenKaren to Human Relations (19 answers total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I had a great sex life before we moved in together. Now a few months in to cohabitation things are less hot than they were before. While there are definitely some other factors at play here (work stress, etc) I think part of this may due to us becoming too comfortable and familiar to each other and the other part of this is probably due to my obsessive worrying about this.
We've been together about a year and a half and moved in after about a year and we are both in our 30's, btw. Unmarried, no kids.
I guess I have a few questions.
1) Is it possible to re-heat a relationship? I would really like to believe it is. But I have heard lots of when-it-starts-to-get-less-hot that's-it-it's-over stories....I would really, really love to hear some stories about the opposite -- about couples who felt things needing a little livening up and then were actually successful at livening them. The internet seems to be full of advice about this stuff but most of the advice seems silly and obvious (stuff like "buy a new sex toy and get some lingerie" are all well and good, but this doesn't really seem like a long term solution).
Also (and actually this may be the bigger issue here):
I'm worried I have doomed myself by worrying about this so much -- in past relationships I have lost interest sexually at around the 1 year mark. But in most of these relationships the relationship was mostly over by this point. (The only time the interest came back was after a guy and I broke up...then we messed around for a while as exes which was way better than anything that had ever happened during our actual relationship. I can only assume this is because it was "forbidden" ). And so all along in my current relationship I've been sort of like obsessing over the fact that this (the slowing down of sex stuff) might happen. This is the best relationship I've ever been and this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and so from early on I think I put extra pressure on all of it like "oh no what if something goes wrong at some point?!". Even when things were completely fantastic sexually I would sometimes obsessively google "how to keep the spark alive" like, to prepare for the future. So I guess my other question is:
2) How do I stop obsessing and worrying about this? Because the worrying is, I think, another big part of the problem. Worrying does not put a person (or at least me) in the right frame of mind of sex! But it's a self-perpetuating cycle -- the more I worry, the less I'm interested in it. And the less I'm interested, the more I worry. (Like, sometimes when we're kissing I'm like "do I want to have sex now?" "what about now?" and just asking that question sort of ruins it). I am, it is worth mentioning, an anxious person and a really big worrier in general. But maybe that's obvious.
By the way, just so no one thinks I'm being totally unrealistic here --
I do know that as a relationship deepens the initial sizzle might fade a bit and it is replaced by other even better things (like a deeper more meaningful relationship). I definitely love my boyfriend more than ever (romantically! not just platonically). I'm not expecting to be swinging from the chandelier every night or something.
I have brought this issue up with my boyfriend a couple times -- his main concern here is just that I'm worrying about it, but doesn't want me to be worried. He thinks anything that's going on is just a phase and we'll get past it. He is super open to discussing whatever and doing anything I want him to do but he seems to be more easily turned-on than I am so this is less of an issue for him. In a certain way I feel like further discussing it (at least in the way we've discussed it so far) will make things worse, not better.
What do you think mefi? Any thoughts or suggestions would be really, really appreciated.