my nine year old is afraid of growing up
September 12, 2011 4:21 PM Subscribe
I look for advice and book recommendations on how to help my 9 yr old daughter feel more comfortable growing up and face the new challenges.
On my daughter's 9 yr birthday, she cried. Because she's feeling a little bit scared. Specifically, she feels that the teenage years are years when kids go crazy. When they have to deal with a lot of things including relationship. Since she's getting closer to those years, that really scares her. Right now, she tries to do well in school, she shows perfectionist tendencies and can get angry or overwhelmed. She thinks about a lot of things like dating, marriage, divorce, friendship. I don't know if I can just share how I feel about those things from adult perspective. I think maybe this will make things worse. What are some books deal with issue? Shall I try to talk more about teenage years to her now or just ignore this worry and focus on her life now, make her life now better?
On my daughter's 9 yr birthday, she cried. Because she's feeling a little bit scared. Specifically, she feels that the teenage years are years when kids go crazy. When they have to deal with a lot of things including relationship. Since she's getting closer to those years, that really scares her. Right now, she tries to do well in school, she shows perfectionist tendencies and can get angry or overwhelmed. She thinks about a lot of things like dating, marriage, divorce, friendship. I don't know if I can just share how I feel about those things from adult perspective. I think maybe this will make things worse. What are some books deal with issue? Shall I try to talk more about teenage years to her now or just ignore this worry and focus on her life now, make her life now better?
I just had a conversation with my almost-9-year-old about how the Harry Potter and Little House books have a lot in common in terms of presenting the difficulties of growing up and figuring out how life works--she initiated the conversation about parallels between the two series, in fact, and it was really an amazing talk.
Perhaps you and your daughter could use literature as a jumping point for these discussions--so many books for kids this age, and older, deal with the disaffection of adolescence and the fear of dealing with grownup problems. Have a little private book club!
posted by padraigin at 4:30 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Perhaps you and your daughter could use literature as a jumping point for these discussions--so many books for kids this age, and older, deal with the disaffection of adolescence and the fear of dealing with grownup problems. Have a little private book club!
posted by padraigin at 4:30 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Our Bodies, Ourselves (or something like it) might help her demystify some of the physical changes that make kids "go crazy" as teenagers.
posted by argonauta at 4:37 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by argonauta at 4:37 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Promise her that she can always feel safe talking to you about any problem she has without fear that you'll go and blab it to everyone. And for chrissakes hold up your end of the bargain. I told my mom I had a crush on a boy in my class when I was seven, and she told his mom, and his mom told him, and then he told everyone at school, and it was horrible and embarrassing. I told my mom, and she was totally unapologetic about it. That--honestly--was the last time I ever told my mom anything personal again. I'm an adult now, and I'm still uncomfortable telling her things about my (serious, long-term, healthy grown-up relationship) boyfriend because of that incident. As silly as it sounds.
Knowing that she has a parent she can confide in without fear of reproach or breaking of trust is SO important. Keep reminding her of that. Share stories about your life when you were her age, and give her your personal thoughts (even if it's from an adult perspective) on questions she asks you. Those things will help, even if you may feel like they won't.
posted by phunniemee at 4:53 PM on September 12, 2011 [18 favorites]
Knowing that she has a parent she can confide in without fear of reproach or breaking of trust is SO important. Keep reminding her of that. Share stories about your life when you were her age, and give her your personal thoughts (even if it's from an adult perspective) on questions she asks you. Those things will help, even if you may feel like they won't.
posted by phunniemee at 4:53 PM on September 12, 2011 [18 favorites]
I definitely recommend some of the older YA novels - if she's a bit of a nerd, The Great Brain will probably amuse her a lot and it deals with this kind of trepidation in a very constructive way. I also like the Jane Austen novels for the "OMGosh Relationships Ack!" thing. I also got a lot out of the Babysitter's Club books as a deeply sheltered young girl; my friends who were a bit more "worldly" seemed to enjoy the Sweet Valley High stuff more. I also liked books like "Dicey's Song" and "Sport," but you have to be pretty aware of where her comfort level is when you dive into the newer YA literature.
I would be cautious with "Our Bodies, Ourselves" at this age, coming from a parent, especially if she is at all sheltered. I was horrified beyond description by it and it took a lot (lot lot) longer for me to become comfortable with my body and sexuality and stuff because of that early horror.
You might also consider reading her some of these relationship/coping with life/etc. AskMes - I'm thinking more about glossing over the question details and reading out loud the helpful advice that comes from difficult-but-manageable experiences. Like, Miko's advice on breaking up with someone. The idea that this stuff can be confusing and it's OK to go asking for help even as a grown-up can be a very powerful comfort as a kid. It can look a lot like there's a mysterious and terrifying process you have to go through from Innocent Child to Totally Together Adult, especially if you've been watching too much of the wrong kind of TV show.
And therapy will help, but only if she's really willing/interested and it doesn't come across as a "you must do this because you are messed up" thing.
posted by SMPA at 4:55 PM on September 12, 2011
I would be cautious with "Our Bodies, Ourselves" at this age, coming from a parent, especially if she is at all sheltered. I was horrified beyond description by it and it took a lot (lot lot) longer for me to become comfortable with my body and sexuality and stuff because of that early horror.
You might also consider reading her some of these relationship/coping with life/etc. AskMes - I'm thinking more about glossing over the question details and reading out loud the helpful advice that comes from difficult-but-manageable experiences. Like, Miko's advice on breaking up with someone. The idea that this stuff can be confusing and it's OK to go asking for help even as a grown-up can be a very powerful comfort as a kid. It can look a lot like there's a mysterious and terrifying process you have to go through from Innocent Child to Totally Together Adult, especially if you've been watching too much of the wrong kind of TV show.
And therapy will help, but only if she's really willing/interested and it doesn't come across as a "you must do this because you are messed up" thing.
posted by SMPA at 4:55 PM on September 12, 2011
For the details of body changes and the new hygiene responsibilities of growing up, a nine year old might be more comfortable with The Care And Keeping Of You than with OB, OS. Care and Keeping doesn't touch on sexuality at all, though, but does hit a bit on the weird things hormones will do to you as you go through puberty. There's a companion volume called The Feelings Book that I also think is pretty valuable.
But I think consuming media together and then talking about it is really useful. Then it's not about You And Your Fear, it's about Kid In Book/On Show and the kid's fear, and it's easier for everyone, not just kids, to talk about tricky topics when they're ostensibly about someone else's experience.
posted by padraigin at 5:01 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
But I think consuming media together and then talking about it is really useful. Then it's not about You And Your Fear, it's about Kid In Book/On Show and the kid's fear, and it's easier for everyone, not just kids, to talk about tricky topics when they're ostensibly about someone else's experience.
posted by padraigin at 5:01 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some ideas that initially come to mind:
*A good CBT therapist that can introduce some basic tools...not saying she needs therapy, but learning some tools might help. For example, perhaps mindfulness meditation might help to focus on the present, and reduce anxiety towards the future.
*In terms of sex, dating and relationship the program Our Whole Lives (OWL) seems to get positive responses.
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 5:07 PM on September 12, 2011
*A good CBT therapist that can introduce some basic tools...not saying she needs therapy, but learning some tools might help. For example, perhaps mindfulness meditation might help to focus on the present, and reduce anxiety towards the future.
*In terms of sex, dating and relationship the program Our Whole Lives (OWL) seems to get positive responses.
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 5:07 PM on September 12, 2011
I cannot agree with phunniemee hard enough! I would favorite her comment 1000 times if I could.
It's VITAL that you make it clear that your daughter can trust you to talk to you about anything. She needs to know without doubt that you'll never make fun of her concerns and never blab her confidences about. She needs to be able to trust you to keep a secret, because nothing sucks more than knowing you can't trust your Mom.
I've been raising boys for the past 20 years, and they're a different critter entirely. But I remember what growing up was like for me - I'm not so old as to have forgotten just yet - and I found a lot of solace in Judy Blume's books. Those went so far in showing me that I was not, in fact, "going crazy", and that I was not alone.
Your daughter might find My Body, Myself for Girls to be helpful, as well. It's written in kid friendly, non-scary language, and is meant for girls your daughter's age.
posted by MissySedai at 5:13 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's VITAL that you make it clear that your daughter can trust you to talk to you about anything. She needs to know without doubt that you'll never make fun of her concerns and never blab her confidences about. She needs to be able to trust you to keep a secret, because nothing sucks more than knowing you can't trust your Mom.
I've been raising boys for the past 20 years, and they're a different critter entirely. But I remember what growing up was like for me - I'm not so old as to have forgotten just yet - and I found a lot of solace in Judy Blume's books. Those went so far in showing me that I was not, in fact, "going crazy", and that I was not alone.
Your daughter might find My Body, Myself for Girls to be helpful, as well. It's written in kid friendly, non-scary language, and is meant for girls your daughter's age.
posted by MissySedai at 5:13 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Books are really useful tools. But some can be too darn serious, or clinical or don't speak the right language to young teens.
The Rough Guide to Girl Stuff by prolific cartoonist and author Kaz Cooke is a thick fantastic book packed with accurate and relevant information, flavored with feminist perspective and generously sprinkled with humor.
The website of the book has a contents page, sample of chapters and teachers notes which you may find useful.
Cooke's Hermoine predated Rowling's! /fan
posted by the fish at 5:31 PM on September 12, 2011
The Rough Guide to Girl Stuff by prolific cartoonist and author Kaz Cooke is a thick fantastic book packed with accurate and relevant information, flavored with feminist perspective and generously sprinkled with humor.
The website of the book has a contents page, sample of chapters and teachers notes which you may find useful.
Cooke's Hermoine predated Rowling's! /fan
posted by the fish at 5:31 PM on September 12, 2011
she feels that the teenage years are years when kids go crazy. When they have to deal with a lot of things including relationship
I think one of the best things you can do, if at all possible, is provide her with people in her life who model healthy relationships and stability. I personally think self-help type books and counselors are of limited value because kids frequently receive that as just another person telling them what to do. However, they are remarkably good at learning by example. Are there any friends or family members who fit the bill who you can facilitate her spending time with? If not, does she show any interest in novels/TV shows/movies where the characters have healthy relationships?
Aside, although it may not help assuage her fears, you can help them from coming to pass by raising her to be the kind of self-assured and well-rounded person who can bounce back from a breakup or repel drama. Seize day-to-day opportunities to foster independence; encourage her to act with integrity and to expect it from others; and when things don't go as she'd like them to, help her keep some perspective.
It's a tall order, but no one said this parenting thing is easy.
posted by AV at 5:33 PM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think one of the best things you can do, if at all possible, is provide her with people in her life who model healthy relationships and stability. I personally think self-help type books and counselors are of limited value because kids frequently receive that as just another person telling them what to do. However, they are remarkably good at learning by example. Are there any friends or family members who fit the bill who you can facilitate her spending time with? If not, does she show any interest in novels/TV shows/movies where the characters have healthy relationships?
Aside, although it may not help assuage her fears, you can help them from coming to pass by raising her to be the kind of self-assured and well-rounded person who can bounce back from a breakup or repel drama. Seize day-to-day opportunities to foster independence; encourage her to act with integrity and to expect it from others; and when things don't go as she'd like them to, help her keep some perspective.
It's a tall order, but no one said this parenting thing is easy.
posted by AV at 5:33 PM on September 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
See if there are some mother-daughter book clubs in your area or start one. Your daughter is the perfect age for that. The YA books the clubs read are deep, meaningful, and memorable. You'll both have a beautiful experience.
posted by Elsie at 5:48 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 5:48 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret is a classic. The characters are about 12, but times were different then, and what they're talking about (having your first menstrual period, for instance, or wearing a bra) is about what nine-year-olds talk about now. The presentation is very modest and Margaret herself is often nervous about it all.
Oh, I very much agree with phunniemee. I don't suppose my mother told my secrets to other people, BUT she just in general did not take my worries seriously. For example, nine or ten years old is about right to "like" a boy in school in a romantic way, even if she never tells him about it. The feelings they have at age nine are not adult, but they're real! It hurts, say, if he doesn't want to talk at lunchtime.
Another thing: don't be offended or upset if your daughter sometimes prefers to talk about these things with another adult that you know and trust--maybe a friend's mother or even a teacher. I am 34 years old, just returned from a visit home, and my mother is still mad that I went over to visit some old friends whose mom used to talk to me about these things. Good grief!
It sounds like you're off to a good start--taking her concerns seriously.
posted by skbw at 6:00 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, I very much agree with phunniemee. I don't suppose my mother told my secrets to other people, BUT she just in general did not take my worries seriously. For example, nine or ten years old is about right to "like" a boy in school in a romantic way, even if she never tells him about it. The feelings they have at age nine are not adult, but they're real! It hurts, say, if he doesn't want to talk at lunchtime.
Another thing: don't be offended or upset if your daughter sometimes prefers to talk about these things with another adult that you know and trust--maybe a friend's mother or even a teacher. I am 34 years old, just returned from a visit home, and my mother is still mad that I went over to visit some old friends whose mom used to talk to me about these things. Good grief!
It sounds like you're off to a good start--taking her concerns seriously.
posted by skbw at 6:00 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Harriet the Spy
Anastasia Krupnik
Anastasia Again
posted by skbw at 6:05 PM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Anastasia Krupnik
Anastasia Again
posted by skbw at 6:05 PM on September 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
When I was a kid I really liked some of the old-fashioned books with young female characters who were in their teens but very responsible and resourceful. Little Women, the Little House Books, Anne of Green Gables, etc.
Also, everything by Cynthia Voigt.
posted by bunderful at 6:12 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, everything by Cynthia Voigt.
posted by bunderful at 6:12 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does she have any older teenage girls she sees regularly and can use as role models/emulate.?I think it's really valuable for young people to have someone who's NOT an authority figure, but that they can turn to.
For me, that was often my eldest sister who is nine years older than me. Obviously, she was way older and had experienced almost any given trauma I was going through at any given time, but she was a lot closer to those things than my parents etc, and also didn't we didn't have the authority baggage etc you can have with parents. I know some people who got this kind of figure from friendly younger uncles/aunties/cousins etc.
In short, is there a teenage girl she likes? Ask said teenager if they can hang out together (unsupervised) now and then.
posted by smoke at 6:49 PM on September 12, 2011
For me, that was often my eldest sister who is nine years older than me. Obviously, she was way older and had experienced almost any given trauma I was going through at any given time, but she was a lot closer to those things than my parents etc, and also didn't we didn't have the authority baggage etc you can have with parents. I know some people who got this kind of figure from friendly younger uncles/aunties/cousins etc.
In short, is there a teenage girl she likes? Ask said teenager if they can hang out together (unsupervised) now and then.
posted by smoke at 6:49 PM on September 12, 2011
I really liked Caddie Woodlawn, not least because she doesn't end up married at the end. That ruined so many books for me! (Including the Anne of Green Gables series, Little Women, and even Little House on the Prairie, though since I took those as diaries, I didn't mind that one so much.)
The Our Bodies, Our Selves sorts of books, I'd leave in a book shelf for her to discover on her own. She can read it in private and bring up questions as she wants.
A friend of mine sent her ~14 year old (?) to a program through her Unitarian Church. Parents had to attend their own segment. Parts were co-ed and parts were segregated by sex. They said it was very helpful for everyone, including the parents. They are really not religious, and aren't into purity rings-I think they're generally pro-sex- or any of that religious BS. Basically, if these folks said they like it, I trust it enough to recommend it to any parent of teenagers, no matter how lefty.
posted by small_ruminant at 6:51 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
The Our Bodies, Our Selves sorts of books, I'd leave in a book shelf for her to discover on her own. She can read it in private and bring up questions as she wants.
A friend of mine sent her ~14 year old (?) to a program through her Unitarian Church. Parents had to attend their own segment. Parts were co-ed and parts were segregated by sex. They said it was very helpful for everyone, including the parents. They are really not religious, and aren't into purity rings-I think they're generally pro-sex- or any of that religious BS. Basically, if these folks said they like it, I trust it enough to recommend it to any parent of teenagers, no matter how lefty.
posted by small_ruminant at 6:51 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You know what else I would tell her? That she doesn't have to date until/unless she feels like it. Even if she likes someone and feels too afraid to date, that's OK (I started having romantic feelings around 12, and was too scared to kiss anyone until I was 16 -- this was fine at the time, and I absolutely think, in retrospect, it was the best thing for me). Or if she doesn't like anyone, even if all her friends do. Or if she likes a girl. She is free to try makeup or not, carry a purse or not, date or not. And that any or all of that is perfectly reasonable and perfectly normal and TOTALLY OK.
I just think that she should know that she gets to make choices about a lot of these things. It sounds like she's afraid that dating and relationships and divorce (!) are things that just happen to you when you start growing up (and I do remember it feeling that way sometimes), but she should know that she has agency in her life, and that she can take "growing up" as slowly as she needs to.
posted by emumimic at 7:18 PM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
I just think that she should know that she gets to make choices about a lot of these things. It sounds like she's afraid that dating and relationships and divorce (!) are things that just happen to you when you start growing up (and I do remember it feeling that way sometimes), but she should know that she has agency in her life, and that she can take "growing up" as slowly as she needs to.
posted by emumimic at 7:18 PM on September 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
Buffy--the episodes with Dawn. Watch them together. In fact, all of the stuff suggested above-- do it together. Impress upon her how cool and powerful it is to be a grown up woman. You're her best role model.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:41 PM on September 12, 2011
posted by Ideefixe at 7:41 PM on September 12, 2011
I can't say enough good things about New Moon Girls, both the magazine and the online community. It's a safe, well-moderated space for girls aged 8-12ish. She could interact with girls her age and also with a lot of older girls who are navigating the changes she's worried about.
posted by atropos at 7:46 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by atropos at 7:46 PM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ok so I'm not a parent but I think what would have worked for me if I had anxiety is a reminder that there are things that seem weird or hard or scary at a certain age but are not those things at a different age. I mean, she's in 3rd or 4th grade, right? Think about how hard it would have been for her to do all the stuff she does now when she was 4! She feels comfortable making tons of more complicated decisions and doesn't even think about it!
It will work the same way as she gets older, and you will always be there to listen and talk about anything, but you trust her to be able to make those decisions when she's older and she can trust herself too.
posted by mckenney at 7:48 PM on September 12, 2011
It will work the same way as she gets older, and you will always be there to listen and talk about anything, but you trust her to be able to make those decisions when she's older and she can trust herself too.
posted by mckenney at 7:48 PM on September 12, 2011
I saw this right when it posted and I have been waiting FOREVER to get home to a computer with a keyboard so I could answer. Because I was scared too at that age. Yes, always be there for her to talk. Yes, keep her secrets. The thing I MOST wanted to come and say is:
"She thinks about a lot of things like dating, marriage, divorce, friendship. I don't know if I can just share how I feel about those things from adult perspective."
PLEEEEEEEEEEASE share these things with her. Not in a "Sit down and have a Big Talk" kind of way, but in an ongoing basis as it comes up ... when you're talking about situations, when you're watching a TV show, whatever. I sometimes acted like I was blowing my mom off when she talked to me about what good friends did or didn't do, or what a good marriage was like, but OH I WAS LISTENING, and what she had to say was SO formative in how I grew into an adult woman. It was, without question, the most important guidance I had on becoming an adult. (Now, my mother's a thoughtful person and a good person, but I assume because you're asking that you are to. I suppose it'd be less helpful if one's mother was a bad person.) I remember other adults, especially women, sometimes telling me their serious thoughts on adult relationships or other adult concerns. I'm 33 and I remember those conversations, especially when I was in the 9-14 range, SO VIVIDLY, because having an adult say something serious to me about what it meant to be married, or have sex, or be a good friend, made SO much impact on me. I didn't always know quite how they fitted at the time, but seriously, at 33, some of those are STILL coming back to me and helping me think about myself as an adult. Really key is that it was the "sanitized for children" answer (though sometimes the "carefully phrased for children" answer) but clearly a thoughtful adult talking to me out of the depths of their own experience and long thought on the issue.
I seriously treasure those conversations, in the most literal way.
Other thoughts:
Let her know she can use you as an excuse and you'll back her up as the "mean mom" if she feels uncomfortable. "Well, I WANT to come to your co-ed sleepover, but my mom won't let me." It's a bit of a relief for a child who's more reserved than their peers, or a later-bloomer, but still learning to assert themselves confidently in the face of peer pressure, to know they can count on a parent to play the heavy *when the child wants a heavy.* I don't think I used this out more than twice, but my mom did tell me she would back me up in that way and it made me feel more sure-footed about saying no on my own.
Books:
Anne of Green Gables and Little Women were very important for me in learning to grow up and think about who I am. I still read them probably yearly. (Anne of Green Gables, in particular, is (one of) the first "coming of age" novels with a female protagonist ... and the marrying and all doesn't happen until much later on in the series.)
Tamora Pierce's books feature strong female adolescent heroines dealing with a lot of your daughter's questions in a fantasy setting. Also I love them. :) There are a couple of threads about her on the blue.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:42 PM on September 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
"She thinks about a lot of things like dating, marriage, divorce, friendship. I don't know if I can just share how I feel about those things from adult perspective."
PLEEEEEEEEEEASE share these things with her. Not in a "Sit down and have a Big Talk" kind of way, but in an ongoing basis as it comes up ... when you're talking about situations, when you're watching a TV show, whatever. I sometimes acted like I was blowing my mom off when she talked to me about what good friends did or didn't do, or what a good marriage was like, but OH I WAS LISTENING, and what she had to say was SO formative in how I grew into an adult woman. It was, without question, the most important guidance I had on becoming an adult. (Now, my mother's a thoughtful person and a good person, but I assume because you're asking that you are to. I suppose it'd be less helpful if one's mother was a bad person.) I remember other adults, especially women, sometimes telling me their serious thoughts on adult relationships or other adult concerns. I'm 33 and I remember those conversations, especially when I was in the 9-14 range, SO VIVIDLY, because having an adult say something serious to me about what it meant to be married, or have sex, or be a good friend, made SO much impact on me. I didn't always know quite how they fitted at the time, but seriously, at 33, some of those are STILL coming back to me and helping me think about myself as an adult. Really key is that it was the "sanitized for children" answer (though sometimes the "carefully phrased for children" answer) but clearly a thoughtful adult talking to me out of the depths of their own experience and long thought on the issue.
I seriously treasure those conversations, in the most literal way.
Other thoughts:
Let her know she can use you as an excuse and you'll back her up as the "mean mom" if she feels uncomfortable. "Well, I WANT to come to your co-ed sleepover, but my mom won't let me." It's a bit of a relief for a child who's more reserved than their peers, or a later-bloomer, but still learning to assert themselves confidently in the face of peer pressure, to know they can count on a parent to play the heavy *when the child wants a heavy.* I don't think I used this out more than twice, but my mom did tell me she would back me up in that way and it made me feel more sure-footed about saying no on my own.
Books:
Anne of Green Gables and Little Women were very important for me in learning to grow up and think about who I am. I still read them probably yearly. (Anne of Green Gables, in particular, is (one of) the first "coming of age" novels with a female protagonist ... and the marrying and all doesn't happen until much later on in the series.)
Tamora Pierce's books feature strong female adolescent heroines dealing with a lot of your daughter's questions in a fantasy setting. Also I love them. :) There are a couple of threads about her on the blue.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:42 PM on September 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
"Really key is that it was the "sanitized for children" answer"
WASN'T. WASN'T the sanitized for children answer! GRAAAARRRR!
(mods, you can fix that if you want.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:48 PM on September 12, 2011
WASN'T. WASN'T the sanitized for children answer! GRAAAARRRR!
(mods, you can fix that if you want.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:48 PM on September 12, 2011
I was surprised how often I brought up some relationship issue with my daughter and she would say "I know. I saw it on Seventh Heaven" Another thing you could watch together.
Also, the teen years are intense but not all teens "go crazy". If she has older cousins or family friends that can be examples of going through the teen years well that is a bonus. Assure her that she will go through it in her own style - and that her way of growing up will be what she needs to do. While she may be often feel uncertain, that's normal and you trust that she will figure out how for herself what she needs to do (and of course, that you will always be there to talk things out.)
posted by metahawk at 9:09 PM on September 12, 2011
Also, the teen years are intense but not all teens "go crazy". If she has older cousins or family friends that can be examples of going through the teen years well that is a bonus. Assure her that she will go through it in her own style - and that her way of growing up will be what she needs to do. While she may be often feel uncertain, that's normal and you trust that she will figure out how for herself what she needs to do (and of course, that you will always be there to talk things out.)
posted by metahawk at 9:09 PM on September 12, 2011
Other tween Judy Blume:
Blubber, Otherwise Known As Sheila the Great, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Superfudge, Fudge-a-mania, Double Fudge, Just as Long as We're Together, Here's to You Rachel Robinson (this one has a perfectionist protagonist with a Caliban sibling),Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself, Iggie's House
Tween Norma Klein (get these from the library):
Mom, the Wolf Man and Me (1972)
Confessions of an Only Child (1974)
Taking Sides (1974)
What It's All about (1975)
Tomboy (1978)
A Honey of a Chimp (1980)
Robbie and the Leap Year Blues (1981)
Bizou (1983)
The Cheerleader (1985)
Snapshots (1986)
Now That I Know (1988)
Paula Danziger's Matthew books:
Everyone Else's Parents Said Yes (1989)
Make Like a Tree and Leave (1990)
Earth to Matthew (1991)
Not for a Billion Gazillion Dollars (1992)
posted by brujita at 9:38 PM on September 12, 2011
Blubber, Otherwise Known As Sheila the Great, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Superfudge, Fudge-a-mania, Double Fudge, Just as Long as We're Together, Here's to You Rachel Robinson (this one has a perfectionist protagonist with a Caliban sibling),Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself, Iggie's House
Tween Norma Klein (get these from the library):
Mom, the Wolf Man and Me (1972)
Confessions of an Only Child (1974)
Taking Sides (1974)
What It's All about (1975)
Tomboy (1978)
A Honey of a Chimp (1980)
Robbie and the Leap Year Blues (1981)
Bizou (1983)
The Cheerleader (1985)
Snapshots (1986)
Now That I Know (1988)
Paula Danziger's Matthew books:
Everyone Else's Parents Said Yes (1989)
Make Like a Tree and Leave (1990)
Earth to Matthew (1991)
Not for a Billion Gazillion Dollars (1992)
posted by brujita at 9:38 PM on September 12, 2011
Also, give her A Tree Grows in Brooklyn when she's twelve.
posted by brujita at 9:39 PM on September 12, 2011
posted by brujita at 9:39 PM on September 12, 2011
Books:
Emily of New Moon - L.M. Montgomery. I liked them better than Anne of Green Gables. Also, if she likes L.M. Montgomery, Jane of Lantern Hill is also great.
The Wee Free Men - Terry Pratchett. Tiffany Aching is a fantastic 9-year old heroine. Maybe the most fantastic ever.
The Hero and the Crown and The Blue Sword - Robin McKinley. Maybe more of a 12/13 year-old book (I can't remember when I first read them) but still good for the how-do-you-learn-how-to-live-in-your-own-weird-skin question with two fabulous heroines.
The Dark is Rising - Susan Cooper. It's got a boy as the hero, but he's a real boy and not a caricature, and it's both a re-telling of the Arthurian legends and a story about finding your own way.
The Sword in the Stone - T.H.White. The rest of the Once and Future King
is more adult, but that one's pitched at kids. Another male hero, but in this version of the Arthurian legend, Arthur is another boy who feels awkward in his own skin.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie. Maybe not good for a nine year-old, but good for a year or two down the road. Alexie writes both very frankly and very beautifully.
posted by colfax at 9:48 PM on September 12, 2011
Emily of New Moon - L.M. Montgomery. I liked them better than Anne of Green Gables. Also, if she likes L.M. Montgomery, Jane of Lantern Hill is also great.
The Wee Free Men - Terry Pratchett. Tiffany Aching is a fantastic 9-year old heroine. Maybe the most fantastic ever.
The Hero and the Crown and The Blue Sword - Robin McKinley. Maybe more of a 12/13 year-old book (I can't remember when I first read them) but still good for the how-do-you-learn-how-to-live-in-your-own-weird-skin question with two fabulous heroines.
The Dark is Rising - Susan Cooper. It's got a boy as the hero, but he's a real boy and not a caricature, and it's both a re-telling of the Arthurian legends and a story about finding your own way.
The Sword in the Stone - T.H.White. The rest of the Once and Future King
is more adult, but that one's pitched at kids. Another male hero, but in this version of the Arthurian legend, Arthur is another boy who feels awkward in his own skin.
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie. Maybe not good for a nine year-old, but good for a year or two down the road. Alexie writes both very frankly and very beautifully.
posted by colfax at 9:48 PM on September 12, 2011
More books -- my book club did a series where we all picked the book that meant the most to us or was the most influential on us when we were "in school." You could ask friends -- or people your daughter admires (older cousins, aunts, etc.) -- for suggestions. Some of ours were:
A Seperate Peace by John Knowles
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Forever by Judy Blume
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Dollhouse by Ibsen
It was also very interesting to hear people say WHY it was their most influential book. Reasons varied a lot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:18 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
A Seperate Peace by John Knowles
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Forever by Judy Blume
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Dollhouse by Ibsen
It was also very interesting to hear people say WHY it was their most influential book. Reasons varied a lot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:18 PM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
This grandma's advice would be to show her your own confident self, able to handle whatever comes along with quiet strength and stability, maintaining a good humor and loads of warmth for those you care about and strangers also. Let her see that you don't buckle under when someone tries to tear you down or make difficulties for you, that you smile and continue forward without losing a step. Keep her next to you and let her see an example of what you'd want for her in yourself.
Don't fret - you're obviously doing fine.
All teens are going to be weepy and wacko from time to time - just help her refocus after she cries it out.
posted by aryma at 11:26 PM on September 12, 2011
Don't fret - you're obviously doing fine.
All teens are going to be weepy and wacko from time to time - just help her refocus after she cries it out.
posted by aryma at 11:26 PM on September 12, 2011
From someone who actually screamed obscenities and pelted my mother with the 'welcome to puberty' gift box contents*, please ensure she has access to something else as well. That there are books about being a teenager that aren't all angst and dramatic and about being a teenager. that there are non-puberty things happening. If she is comfortable enough to tell you this now, ask her what she wants, what she thinks might help. And let her be a bit immature sometimes, let her embrace the kiddish and juvenile.
*and now I've thought of that again, I have to go apologize to her. Again. Christ that is an upsetting memory - I can remember my very vicious anger about the whole puberty process and how devastated and betrayed I felt that she didn't seem to care. And now it's overlain with guilt because she did exactly what so many stupid recommendations suggest, it just backfired horribly because I was so terribly scared and not at all ready for even the suggestion. So she did care. And I feel like a dick.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:36 AM on September 13, 2011
*and now I've thought of that again, I have to go apologize to her. Again. Christ that is an upsetting memory - I can remember my very vicious anger about the whole puberty process and how devastated and betrayed I felt that she didn't seem to care. And now it's overlain with guilt because she did exactly what so many stupid recommendations suggest, it just backfired horribly because I was so terribly scared and not at all ready for even the suggestion. So she did care. And I feel like a dick.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:36 AM on September 13, 2011
I don't have a specific book recommendations for a 9-year-old girl other than to say you should find some books that deal with growing up issues from a male perspective as well. The opposite sex always seem so mysterious, particularly once you hit Middle School/ High School. I remember thinking how girls had it so easy growing up (my young male mind). Now that I'm older and wiser, I think I would have benefited knowing that girls stressed about growing up too.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:17 AM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by teg4rvn at 11:17 AM on September 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Deenie is an often-overlooked Judy Blume. But watch out: some of these books have explicit sex in them, or at the very least, stuff SHE may not be ready to read about. Forever comes to mind, for sure.
In Deenie, Deenie, the main character, masturbates (but it might be good to know that other people do it without hearing about it from MOM or reading a whole article on it).
posted by skbw at 8:56 PM on September 13, 2011
In Deenie, Deenie, the main character, masturbates (but it might be good to know that other people do it without hearing about it from MOM or reading a whole article on it).
posted by skbw at 8:56 PM on September 13, 2011
Girl With the Silver Eyes! Another classic. The grandmother dies, though; very sad.
posted by skbw at 8:57 PM on September 13, 2011
posted by skbw at 8:57 PM on September 13, 2011
Girl With the Silver Eyes! Another classic.
I completely forgot about this one. I'll have to reread it.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:59 PM on September 14, 2011
I completely forgot about this one. I'll have to reread it.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:59 PM on September 14, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 4:25 PM on September 12, 2011