I don't want to be the egg basket here

September 12, 2011 7:06 AM

Follow-through on a promise I didn't make? I told a senior work colleague that I might be available to help with a project that will be starting soon. (Emphasis on the "might"!) Now that the time is approaching, I've found that it will be extremely difficult for me to work on said project for a variety of reasons.

At the very least it will be impossible for me to start within the first 2 weeks (of a project that is only intended to last 2 months, with a non-changeable start date). I got in touch with said colleague via email explaining that it would be impossible for me to start for at least 2 weeks, and that I didn't know when I might be able to start after that. I was hoping this would alert her that she needed to find alternative support. Instead, she wrote me back saying she was glad I'd be there soon since (1) the project is even bigger than expected, and (2) there's no one else who can help her with it. In short, she's put all her eggs in one basket, and that's me.

I don't want to let this colleague down - I have a good relationship with her and respect her a great deal, though I'm annoyed that she took my "might" to mean "definitely will". But at the same time, it is physically impossible for me to be there for the first 2-3 weeks, and possibly more - I don't have direct control over how long it will take. I guess I should have been more explicit when I wrote her the first time, and I know I have to take responsibility for being unclear. My question is, is there any way I can communicate to her that she really, really needs to find someone else to do (at least part of) this project, and that she shouldn't count on me, without coming across as either patronizing or a complete flake? I don't know anyone else who would be able to do what she needs (the skill set is pretty specific) or else I would already have volunteered them to replace me. Do I have any other options here? Or do I just have to suck it up for not following through on something that I never promised in the first place?

posted by SymphonyNumberNine to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Where is your boss in all of this? What does he/she want you to do?
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:09 AM on September 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

You didn't reproduce your email to her here, and it sounds like you may have waffled with her. There's nothing fancy required. Write her back and apologize for being vague, and tell her point blank that you will not be available for the project. The closer you get to just communicating the facts to her without attempting to put any kind of spin on it, the better.
posted by facetious at 7:11 AM on September 12, 2011

If you have a manager who decides your priorities, this would be a good thing to discuss with them. If they say your current work takes priority then that's a perfect reason to say you can't help your colleague.

If you're a bit more self-managing, then I'd respond asap and say that she mustn't count on you being there - that's going to be far more helpful than just flaking out when you get to the point when she needs the help. Just because she needs help, doesn't make it your problem to help her. If you want to soften it a bit, can you offer help by phone/email/etc on a best efforts basis?
posted by crocomancer at 7:12 AM on September 12, 2011

Why can't you work on it? it's a little late to tell her you're not at all available. If you can't replace yourself, you might want to strategize on how you can assist her with this--otherwise, you do risk making things hard for her and thus, you're the bad colleague. Can you get your supervisor involved?
posted by Ideefixe at 7:19 AM on September 12, 2011

"Dear Co-worker,

I'm sorry that this will come as a surprise, but I'm afraid that I will not be able to help you at all with your project. My plate is unfortunately full at the moment, especially with me being physically away for the next few weeks. If I can help at a later time, I'll be more than happy to assist, but right now I'm afraid it looks like that's not possible for now.

Sincerely,
SymphonyNumberNine"

Then if you can help, you can help, but she won't rely on it.
posted by inturnaround at 7:27 AM on September 12, 2011

I got in touch with said colleague via email explaining that it would be impossible for me to start for at least 2 weeks, and that I didn't know when I might be able to start after that. I was hoping this would alert her that she needed to find alternative support. Instead, she wrote me back saying she was glad I'd be there soon since (1) the project is even bigger than expected, and (2) there's no one else who can help her with it. In short, she's put all her eggs in one basket, and that's me.

However, you DID send her the second "you know what, now I'm not sure I can do this" email.

I'd simply send a third email in response: "Just wanted to clarify that my situation has changed, and I am less available to help than I thought I'd be. I realize I said I may be available earlier, but that's since changed, and I alerted you about that on [date]. I would be happy to help when this other project concludes, but since I don't know when that would be, I'm afraid I won't be able to do as much as I'd hoped. Have you found someone else yet that I could coordinate with when I do have my schedule more settled?"

You know -- acknowledge you said you could earlier, but point out that you DID tell her different as soon as you knew, and that there's nothing YOU can do about that right now.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on September 12, 2011

Response by poster: Thanks for the responses so far. Just to clarify, the work involved would be done essentially as a contractor, so getting management involved isn't relevant. The reasons I can't start the project immediately have to do with syncing a visa change with the hiring process - the visa issue has taken much longer to resolve than I expected and I cannot start work again until it is finished.
posted by SymphonyNumberNine at 7:38 AM on September 12, 2011

I"d mention the Visa thing being the problem in an email, too. That kind of reinforces the message that "this could take a lot longer than you thought and you may want to find someone else" and "this isn't me being a flake, this is a Government Thing".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:41 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've been in this situation in the past, and the best way to approach it is to 1) make it clear that you're sorry, you really wanted to help out if possible, but there's no way you can. No iffy words that leave room for reinterpretation. And 2) solve her new problem (not having someone) by recommending someone (or ideally more than one possible someone) to take your place.

You said you don't know anyone who has the skill set that she needs, but you may still know different people who collectively can do all of the things she's looking for. The sooner you can help her out of her predicament, the more gracefully you can exit - the truth is, if you were already concerned that this might not work out earlier on in the process, you probably should have told her far sooner so that she could have made other plans. Leaving her in the lurch while blaming her for counting on you - when you were the one who didn't inform her that your "might" should have been interpreted "probably won't" - is sort of uncool.
posted by Mchelly at 7:56 AM on September 12, 2011

Ideefixe: "Why can't you work on it? it's a little late to tell her you're not at all available. If you can't replace yourself, you might want to strategize on how you can assist her with this--otherwise, you do risk making things hard for her and thus, you're the bad colleague. Can you get your supervisor involved"

I don't think this is relevant. Saying you might be available is not the same thing as saying that you are available. It's the colleague's fault for assuming that the OP would be helping.
posted by theichibun at 8:01 AM on September 12, 2011

You're not responsible for her misinterpretations (assuming you communicated as clearly to her as you have to us). Its not your fault that when you said you might be able to help, she heard that you will be able to help and its not your fault that when you followed up to say you wont be able to help for at least 2 weeks she took that to mean you'd be able to help soon.

Email her back and be very clear that she should try to find a replacement for you as you have a visa problem that you do not know when it will be cleared up but it will be at least 2 weeks. If she still doesn't get it, there's nothing you can do. If your visa gets sorted out in time to help then do so but you're not obligated to just because she turned your maybe into definate
posted by missmagenta at 9:09 AM on September 12, 2011

If you don't want to do this, you'll leave her with a much better impression if you tell her right away (as in, today) so that she can find someone else ASAP.
posted by hermitosis at 9:18 AM on September 12, 2011

Another vote for followup in a straightforward way, letting her know that while you hoped you could help from the get-go, you know for certain that you can't help in the short term, and as you can't control the Visa process it is quite possible you may end up unable to assist at all. Encourage her to seek alternative assistance immediately, as placing all her plans on the unknown schedule of your ability to resume work would be extremely risky and therefore foolish.

I think it is within reason to also note that you are sorry you aren't able to help at this point, but that you were being specific when you said you "might" be able to help, and she would do well next time to seek out a firm commitment before placing such importance on the help of a colleague -- but depending on your relationship with her, this might not be appropriate.
posted by davejay at 10:08 AM on September 12, 2011

Thanks for the update--I think that changes everything, and that you should tell her right away. (This is the sort of information that makes a big difference in the answers you get, I think.)
posted by Ideefixe at 11:59 AM on September 12, 2011