Am I terrified of commitments? Or is this not a good fit? Or both?
October 17, 2013 2:18 PM Subscribe
I am queer woman in my late 20s. I have never been in a functional relationship in my life (details in the extended version), and no long term relationships.
I recently started seeing a woman, and I find her very attractive and things are going quite well and she digs me a lot and all that. Part of me wants to keep doing this and have a relationship with her. The other part of me, though, is freaking out and is focusing on the one or two little thing that she does that I am not particularly fond of. Part of me really badly wants to keep seeing this amazing woman; the other part of me just wants to run away and live my awesome single life.
At this point, I've lost sight as to whether this is about me being scared, or about her being not a good fit. Any suggestions on what to do/ what to read/ who to talk to, would be great. I want to keep dating her, I just don't know how to stop the part of my head that's screaming "break up with her and run!"
posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I have had one two-year "situation" with a girl, where, in the end, she declares that she's not gay and we have to stop. It was heart breaking.
I have been on a lot of first dates and second dates, and some time third or fourth dates (where we have made out but no sex yet), with most women and a few men. Every time things go well, though, I get the strong urge that I am experiencing now, where I feel completely stifled and scared and I start dreading seeing them. Then I put an end of the incipient thing I started. I've only really had crushes on people who are straight or are in a committed relationship.
This current girl is the first where my adoration of her outweighs the urge to run away from this stifling feeling. But I am still getting that feeling! The girl also does this one thing that I don't really like, and it's not a dealbreaker yet, but I couldn't stop focusing on it, and I know if I keep obsessing over this one personality flaw it WILL become a deal breaker.
I don't want to pull my usual sabotaging move, but I don't know how to stop my brain from freaking out. Is this something I should see a therapist about? My friends don't know what to say either. Am I afraid of commitments? What is going on, why do I feel this way?